Built (Bill) Ford Tough vs. Better Than All of You

"An incandescent organ of life, visibly vibrating with the pulses of billions."
―Supreme Chancellor Signet Mezzileen

I look at the teams to do battle on Coruscant during this Week 3 Match. They are as follows:

Built (Bill) Ford Tough: Han Solo and Chewbacca in Air Wolf, Jack Ryan, Harrison Ford and Scout Troopers #1 and 2 in the EM-50, U.S. Agent on a Speeder Bike, Jeff Houslander, Barry Sanders and The Mars Detective Agency: Keith Mars, Veronica Mars and Weevil in Jeff's Dodge Ram 3500, Wilt on a Scooter, Steve McQueen on a Crotch Rocket, Power Man, Iron, Fist and Grimace in a Mail Jeep, Fantastic Max, FX and AB in a Go-Cart, Scout Troopers #3-5 on Speeder Bikes, Scout Trooper #6, Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Dr. Owen Cooper, Toshiko Santo, Ianto Jones, The Deadly Viper Assassin Squad: Bill, Bud, O Ren Ishii, Vernita Green and Elle Driver, The Flaming Carrot, Darkwing Duck, Cookies, Nom Anor, Mandalorians #6-9, Ewok #75 and Treasure Troll #26.

Better Than All of You: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) and Astro-Droid #17 (RVD-1) in an X-Wing, Thanos, David Dunn, Gwar: Oderus Urungus (w/ red lightsaber), Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death (w/ green lightsaber), Beefcake the Mighty (w/ blue lightsaber), Jizmack Da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini, Sabu (in Mandalorian Armor), Rob Van Dam, Loki and Bartleby in a Mail Jeep, Gray Hulk, Abomination, Iron Spider Man, Anti-Venom, Red Lantern #1, Yellow Lantern #1, Jedi Councilman #1 and Hulk Hogan.

In the sky above Coruscant, Air Wolf races by the X-Wing controlled by Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) and Astro-Droid #17 (RVD-1). Air Wolf appears to be far outmatched by the rebel fighter. Nonetheless, what the copter lacks in weaponry is more than made up for by the skills of the pilot flying it.

Han Solo (looking at Chewbacca): Never tell me the odds!

Although Jordan is a fighter-pilot flying a space vehicle, he is still no match for the flight skills and sheer determination of the Corellian smuggler and his Wookiee co-pilot. The Falcon actually manages to shoot the X-Wing down. RVD-1 explodes with the X-Wing; Jordan launches out of the cockpit and escapes.

Steve McQueen rides his crotch rocket through Coruscant’s Monument Plaza. McQueen spots Rob Van Dam and draws his pistol. He fires at Van Dam, but is unable to hit the wrestler while avoiding the stone monoliths that litter the battlefield. Van Dam jumps on top of a statue and rips McQueen off from his bike. The two tumble to the ground and the crotch rocket explodes as it hits a statue. The two clear their heads. McQueen is the first to react; he pulls a knife out of his sock and throws it at VanDam. The knife strikes Van Dam between the eyes; Van Dam dies. Sabu sees his wrestling brother die. Sabu takes revenge and uses his newly-adorned Mandalorian armor. He launches a rocket at McQueen. The explosion throws McQueen into one of the monoliths. Nom Anor peeks from behind the marble and slices McQueen’s throat. Anor covertly fades into the shadows, once again. Mandalorians #6-9 fly to the scene and are disgusted to see this faux-Mandalorian adorning their armor. They quickly decide that Sabu is not fit to wear their gear. Mandalorians #6-9 decimate Sabu.

Scout Trooper #6 walks the Plaza. He kicks a piece of litter across the Plaza, somewhat disappointed that he was not allowed to ride one of the speeder bikes. He is met by Hulk Hogan. Hogan sees Scout Trooper #6 and rips off his shirt. Before Scout Trooper #6 can draw his weapon, Hogan is upon him. Hogan uses the monument next to the Trooper as a turnbuckle and commits a Body Avalanche. The Scout Trooper is stunned. As Scout Trooper #6 rises, Hogan uses a flying clothesline to break Scout Trooper #6’s neck. Scout Troopers #3-5 race their Speeder Bikes to meet Hogan. They each shoot a grappling hook from the speeders at Hogan’s arms and legs. Hogan is splayed out, his arms together and each leg attached to a different bike. The three Scout Troopers go their own way and the grappling lines rip Hogan apart. Cocky at their easy defeat of Hogan, the three Scout Troopers focus on more formidable prey: Gray Hulk, Abomination and Iron Spiderman. This was a mistake. The battle is short lived as Gray Hulk kills Scout Trooper #3 and destroys his bike; Abomination kills Scout Trooper #4 and destroys his bike and Iron Spiderman kills Scout Trooper #5 and destroys his bike.

Fantastic Max, FX and AB ride in a Go-Cart around the Plaza; they crash into David Dunn. Dunn shakes off the crash, which has destroyed the Go-Cart and left Fantastic Max, FX and AB sprawled across the stoned-floor. Dunn manages to kill all three characters; the floor is littered with blood and doll parts. As Dunn moves from the carnage, Wilt sees his chance and with his scooter, crashes into Dunn. Dunn falls into a water fountain. U.S. Agent on a speeder bike pulls up. Knowing that Dunn’s weakness is water, he uses all of his strength to hold Dunn’s head down under the fountain’s fluid. Dunn drowns. Wilt and U.S. Agent high-five and rush back to the match at hand. Wilt’s victory is short lived as Anti-Venom trips Wilt on his scooter. Anti-Venom is upon Wilt in seconds and engulfs the character with its mass. Wilt suffocates and dies. U.S. Agent sees his comrade being killed by Anti-Venom and rushes back. U.S. Agent fights Anti-Venom and slices him in half with his shield. With Brock dead, the symbiote flows into the cracks of the battlefield, having lost its host.

The Deadly Viper Assassin Squad: Bill, Bud, O Ren Ishii, Vernita Green and Elle Driver take on Gwar: Oderus Urungus (w/ red lightsaber), Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death (w/ green lightsaber), Beefcake the Mighty (w/ blue lightsaber), Jizmack Da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini. The first to fall in the battle is Vernita Green. It is ironic that she is killed by the green lightsaber wielded by Balsac the Jaws of Death. Elle Driver’s fighting skills are superior to that of Beefcake the Mighty. Nonetheless, she eventually succumbs to the blue lightsaber of BTM. Bud manages to kill Flattus Maximus, but is sliced in half by the red lightsaber of Oderus Urungus. The rest of the Viper Squad has better luck with the un-lightsaber-armed Gwar-mates. O Ren Ishii breaks the neck of Slymenstra Hymen and Bill kills Sleazy P. Martini. O Ren Ishii and Bill join forces and skewer the Sexecutioner and Jizmack Da Gusha with their blades. As Oderus Urungus, Balsac the Jaws of Death and Beefcake the Mighty face the Viper Squad duo, they smile; light sabers will definitely slice through the steel blades of O Ren Ishii and Bill. As they close in on the Vipers, the trio is smashed into by Jack Ryan, Harrison Ford and Scout Troopers #1 and 2 in the EM-50. Although Oderus Urungus and Balsac the Jaws of Death are able to avoid being run over, Beefcake the Mighty is not so lucky. Beefcake is crushed underneath the EM-50’s wheels. As the GWAR duo rise, they are met head on by Houslander’s 3500 and the Mail Jeep. After Oderus is struck, out from the Houslander 3500 are Jeff Houslander, Barry Sanders and The Mars Detective Agency: Keith Mars, Veronica Mars and Weevil. The teammates repeatedly stomp on and pummel Oderus who never rises again. Balsac the Jaws of Death is devastated by the combined skills of Power Man and Iron Fist. Grimace giggles on the sideline of the fracas, watching his teammates kill the remaining Gwar member.

Not to be outdone by the car demolition in front of them, Loki and Bartleby ram Houslander’s Ram 3500 with their Mail Jeep.

Houslander: MY TRUCK!!!!

Jeff Houslander becomes enraged and storms over to meet Loki and Bartleby. The Dogma angels cannot believe the gall of the mortal Houslander. The angels are about to kill Houslander when they are swarmed by the Ford Tough team. Loki and Bartleby are not only facing off against Houslander, but Barry Sanders, The Mars Detective Agency, Jack Ryan, Harrison Ford, Scout Troopers #1 and 2, Power Man, Iron Fist and Grimace. Loki lashes out and kills Scout Troopers #1 and #2, and the entire Mars Detective Agency. Before he can unleash his power again Grimace jumps on Loki and pins him down with his tremendous weight. While Loki struggles against the immense purple blob, O Ren Ishii and Bill slice of Loki’s wings with their katanas. Power Man and Iron Fist join the fray and beat Loki to a pulp. Loki dies. Bartleby sees his angel brethren die and lashes out. Bartleby kills Barry Sanders and Jack Ryan. The super-trio of Gray Hulk, Abomination and Iron Spider Man join forces and kill Bartleby.

Jedi Councilman #1 sees what transpired with the GWAR crew. GWAR’s use of their awarded light sabers was embarrassing; the Councilman will show what a true force-wielder with a lightsaber can do. The Jedi Councilman meets O Ren Ishii and Bill and slices through both.

Han Solo and Chewbacca spot Jedi Councilman #1 and fire all of Air Wolf’s weapons. Although the Councilman deflects a majority of the bullets, the weaponry eventually rips Jedi Councilman #1 apart. The Better Than lanterns come together and Hal Jordan, Red Lantern #1 and Yellow Lantern #1 pummel the military chopper. Air Wolf is beyond repair and is going down. Han Solo and Chewbacca look at each other and their imminent death. They look into each other’s eyes and hold hands.

Solo: You were a good friend, fur ball!

Chewbacca: Grrrooouugh!!!!

Solo and Chewbacca die with their ship. The Lanterns then focus on Mandalorians #6-9. The Mandalorians’ lasers and rockets repeatedly fire at the Lanterns, who use the powers of their rings to deflect same. Each then focuses on a different Mandalorian. Mandalorians #6 and #7 are killed by Jordan. Mandalorian #8 is killed by Yellow Lantern #1. Mandalorian #9 is killed by Red Lantern #1.

The Flaming Carrot, Darkwing Duck, Cookies, Ewok #75 and Treasure Troll #26 focus on the melee taking place around them. Thanos comes upon the scene.

Thanos: This is a joke. . .

Thanos utilizes his energy and matter manipulation to destroy all of the “not-the-strongest” characters listed above- The Flaming Carrot, Darkwing Duck, Cookies, Ewok #75 and Treasure Troll #26. Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Dr. Owen Cooper, Toshiko Santo and Ianto Jones focus on the extra-terrestrial being. The Torchwood crew uses their advanced scientific skills and weapons on Thanos. Although Thanos at first repels the assault, he eventually succumbs and is destroyed. Their victory is short-lived as Gray Hulk and Abomination rip through the team. Dr. Owen Cooper, Toshiko Santo and Ianto Jones are killed.

U.S. Agent pulls up on his Speeder Bike next to Jeff Houslander, Harrison Ford, Power Man, Iron Fist, Grimace, Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper and Nom Anor.

U.S. Agent: We need to leave, or die!

Nom Anor: This shows weakness! A warrior must die in battle!

U.S. Agent: Suit yourself.

Nom Anor rushes away from his teammates and at Iron Spiderman. With a pulse ray burst, Nom Anor dies.

U.S. Agent: One more down. . . We cannot afford any more. Everyone-to the EM-50!

Houslander: I don’t like to run!

Harkness: Neither do I, but live another day!

Cooper: Get to the EM-50!!!

The remaining Built (Bill) Ford Tough team jumps into the EM-50, followed by the U.S. Agent on his speeder bike and together they ride away.

Built (Bill) Ford Tough: U.S. Agent, Jeff Houslander, Harrison Ford, Power Man, Iron Fist, Grimace, Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper survive-but retreat.

Better Than All Of You: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) Gray Hulk, Abomination, Iron Spiderman, Red Lantern #1 and Yellow Lantern #1 survive.

BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU IS VICTORIOUS!!!!