The Right Wing vs. The Syracuse Valley

“Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the drug store, but that’s just peanuts to space.”
-Douglas Adams

I look at the teams to do battle in the Rischey Mays during this Week 4 Match. They are as follows:

The Right Wing: Silver Surfer, Zeus, The Incredible Hulk, Batwoman in a Tie Bomber, Droid Fighter Ships #1-4, Gold Dragons #1-3, Red Sonja and The Pantheon: Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Cassiopeia, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Paris, Prometheus, Ulysses I and Ulysses II in Gen. Grievous' Ship, Darth Malak and Miss Martian in a Snow Speeder, Superwoman, Prometheus, Jool Nooret, Blue Lantern #2, and Lyra.

The Syracuse Valley: Bucky O'Hare, Deadeye Duck, Bruiser, Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny and AFC Blinkie in The Righteous Indignation, Young Anakin Skywalker (w/ a blue lightsaber) and Kister in Ody Mandrell's Podracer, Star Fox (w/ Darth Maul's lightsaber) in an Arwing, James McLeod in an Arwing, Peppy Hare in an Arwing, Darth Techno in an Arwing, Jedi Guardian #3, Jedi Padawan #37 and Leebo in a Y-Wing Bomber, Dash Rendar in a Tie Bomber, (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, Soundblaster with Zombie Rumble, (movie) Frenzy (w/ a Red Lightsaber), (movie) Ravage, Zombie Laserbeak, Overkill, Slugfest, Squawk Talk, Beast Box, Fast Forward, (movie) Wheely, Decepticon Spy Bug, Decepticons #1-2, Scooter, Go-Bots #1-3, (movie) Jazz, Rayden and Kid Thunder, Knuckles (w/ a red lightsaber), Shadow the Hedgehog, Robocop, Critters #1-12, Crasher, Billy Mays, Autobots #6-9, Kree Soldiers #1-18, Xenomorphs #94-95, Little Goombas #6-7 and Treasure Troll (un-identified due to the failure of Commissioner).

Let the battle begin. . .

In space, Gold Dragons #1-3 are unable to use their fire breath due to the lack of oxygen. Star Fox notices the apparent flaw of the Dragons and signals his squad to attack. Star Fox, James McLeod and Peppy Hare fire at the metallic-colored beasts. Gold Dragons #1-3 are riddled with lasers and die. Droid Fighter Ships #1-4 fly to the action and meet the Arwing squad. Before the Droid Fighter Ships can take advantage of their slightly better maneuverability, they are met by Megatron, Starscream and Decepticons #1 and #2. The Decepticons destroy all Droid Fighters Ships #1-4 is a matter of minutes.

Red Sonja and The Pantheon: Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Cassiopeia, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Paris, Prometheus, Ulysses I, & Ulysses II are focused on the space battle occurring outside of their ship. While the entire crew is on the bridge, they do not hear the Billy Mays’ blow torch used by the space-suited spokesman. Mays cuts through a section of the airlock, which does not decompress, or activate any alert signals, because of Billy Mays’ stealth scanner. Along with Billy Mays, Shadow the Hedgehog, Robocop, Decepticon Spybug, Xenomorphs #94-95, Little Goombas #6-7 and unidentified Treasure Troll enter Grievous’ ship undetected. The Decepticon Spybug skittles toward the ship’s bridge and sees the Pantheon, focused on the bridge’s view screen. The Spybug reports back to its team. The Valley team follows the Spybug to the command center. Little do the Valleyites know, The Pantheon are now lying in wait. Delphi and Andromeda sensed the presence of the intruders earlier and told their fellow members to feign ignorance to their presence. Atlanta has his energy bow drawn and two energy arrows skewer Little Goombas #6-7. Perseus uses his energy spear to skewer Shadow the Hedgehog. Hector uses his energy flail to rip apart unidentified Treasure Troll. Jason has weapons in each hand, but is unable to deflect the bullets of Robocop; Jason is killed. Both Ulysses I and Ulysses II have their swords and shields drawn. The two manage to kill Xenomorphs #94-95. After Robocop kills Jason, he focuses on Paris. Paris’ body is shredded by the staccato fire of Robocop’s futuristic guns. Agamemnon sees both Paris and Jason down. He uses a specialized disrupter created by the technologically advanced group to destroy Robocop. He grabs the Decepticon Bug before it can skitter away and screams in it.

Agamemnon: Mays!!! Where are you Mays!!! You have made me lose two of my own!! You shall pay.

Agamemnon crushes the Decepticon Spybug.

Meanwhile, Mays is seen in a near-comatose state, lying on the floor of the medical/supply compartment of the ship. It turns out that Mays did not follow his teammates to the command center, but instead stayed behind, searching for “substances.” Mays located the drugs he was looking for and took them. He sings to himself “All the Single Ladies” with a smile on his face.

Although clearly not a space-faring ship, Anakin Skywalker and Kister zoom through space in Ody Mandrell's Podracer. They are chased by Darth Malak and Miss Martian in a Snow Speeder, which like its prey, is not a true space-faring ship. Nonetheless, Malak triggers the Snow Speeder’s grappling hooks at the podracer. The hook encircles the podracer’s fuel injected cells and the vehicle shoots out of control.

Anakin: This is tense. . . .

Kister: Ani. I know you can get us out of this. I’m your biggest fan!

Batwoman (hearing Kister over the designated comm. channel): Support this!

Batwoman fires the laser cannons of her Tie Bomber and takes out the podracer. Anakin jettisons out; Kister is not so lucky. Anakin sees a large form floating his way. He looks down and pulls out his lightsaber. Before Young Anakin Skywalker is able to ignite the blue blade, Lyra comes upon the slave boy and crushes his skull. Go-Bots #1-3 come to the skirmish. Lyra uses all of her immense strength to defeat Go-Bot #1. She is utterly exhausted as Go-Bots #2-3 surround her. Go-Bots #2-3 pummel Lyra; she is about to lose consciousness when an enraged Hulk and Blue Lantern #2 save her. The Incredible Hulk destroys Go-Bot #2 while Blue Lantern #2 uses his ring to create a solid projection that smashes Go-Bot #3.

Batwoman has left the podracer duel area and decides to face off against Dash Rendar in his Tie Bomber. The two pilots are closely matched and it appears that neither will obtain the upper hand over the other. Batwoman actually manages to maneuver her Bomber behind Rendar’s ship. As she is about to fire her weapons, Darth Techno storms into the duel in his Arwing and fires his weapons. Batwoman and her Tie Bomber are blown to bits.

Bucky O'Hare, Deadeye Duck, Bruiser, Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny and AFC Blinkie fly in The Righteous Indignation. They feel their ship shudder as it is held in place by Superwoman. Superwoman then punches a hole in the ship. As the air is escaping from the Righteous Indignation, the Toad Wars team rush to slip on their spacesuits. As the team members evacuate the vehicle, Silver Surfer comes upon the scene and uses his cosmic powers to blow each of them apart. The entire Righteous Indignation ship follows its crew to their graves as it implodes.

Darth Malak and Miss Martian remain in their Snow Speeder as they are surrounded by Kree Soldiers #1-18 (all with artificial life-breathing devices). The Kree swarm over the ship. The Snow Speeder is eventually destroyed and Malak and Miss Martian escape. Malak in a flight suit uses his lightsaber and kills Kree #2, 8 and 18. Miss Martian uses her optic force blasts to kill Kree #5, 7, 11 and 13. The remaining Kree eventually gain the upper hand over the two due to sheer numbers alone. As Malak and Miss Martian are surrounded, they are joined by teammates Zeus and Prometheus. Together, the God and Titan destroy the remaining Kree, with the assistance of both Malak and Martian.

All Arwings fly together since they are a formidable fighting squad. Star Fox, James McLeod, Peppy Hare and Darth Techno in their Arwings race to the next battle site. They focus on Blue Lantern #2, who is currently flying alone. Although Blue Lantern #2 manages to defend himself with regard to some of the salvos, he is not able to escape the constant laser barrage. Blue Lantern #2 is killed. Silver Surfer has had enough of the Arwing squadron. The Surfer flies at the Arwings and releases the full force of his power cosmic, destroying all of the vehicles. Star Fox and Darth Techno manage to jettison out of their ships; McLeod and Hare or not so lucky and are killed with their ships.

Darth Techno and Star Fox escape from the melee and float to Grievous’ ship. The duo locate the spot previously opened by Mays and enter the ship. As they pass the medical section of the ship, they spot Billy Mays.

Mays: Hey, I’ve signaled the other with the Billy Mays’ Communicator. They should be here any minute. . . Want something to tide you over until they come?

Techno and Fox refuse the “battle favors” that Mays offers them. They wait and see Decepticons #1 and #2 transformed into aerial vehicles, coming their way. The Decepticons transport Rayden and Kid Thunder, Knuckles and Critters #1-12 to Grievous’ ship. The new Valley team storms the ship’s command center. Red Sonja, who did not battle in the first melee, is immediately attacked by Critters #1-12. Although she manages to stab Critters #3, 5 and 8 to death, the remaining monsters rip her apart and eat her alive. Sensing his team is facing a more enigmatic foe this time around, Zeus decides to transports Darth Malak, Miss Martian, Prometheus and Jool Nooret to the ship. The legendary sword master Nooret, along with Prometheus, manage to destroy the remaining Critters. Knuckles enters the fray and with his lightsaber slashes through Ulysses I. Ulysses II avenges his Pantheon brother. Ulysses II slices Knuckles’ hand off that was holding the lightsaber. As Knuckles reaches for the saber with his other hand, he is stabbed and killed by Ulysses II. Rayden and Kid Thunder combine their Mortal Kombat abilities to kill the Pantheon’s Prometheus. The real Prometheus takes vengeance on the murderers of his namesake and kills both Kid Thunder and Rayden. Star Fox manages to skirt behind Delphi and uses the twin-bladed saber of Darth Maul to kill the Pantheon member. Darth Techno sees his lightsabered brethren victorious in his skirmish and one-ups him by killing both Cassiopeia and Achilles. Darth Malak comes before the two lightsaber-wielding opponents and enters a battle ready stance. The lightsaber duel is furious between the combatants, but in the end, Malak bests both Darth Techno and Star Fox.

The Valleyites determine that the only way to win this battle is to destroy Grievous’ ship. Billy Mays hears his teammates squawking at one another, makes sure his pressure suit is sealed with Billy Mays’ adhesive tape and flies out of the ship toward the Snow Speeder which is now unmanned.

Jedi Guardian #3, Jedi Padawan #37 and Leebo in their Y-Wing Bomber along with Dash Rendar in his Tie Bomber barrage the ship with their proton torpedoes and bombs. The ship explodes and in the explosion, die Atlanta and Andromeda. Members of both sides are floating in pressure suits amongst the flotillas of wreckage. Superwoman tightens her body into a projectile that rips through both ships. Rendar is killed with his Tie Bomber, while Leebo and Jedi Padawan #37 die in the Y-Wing’s explosion. The remaining Pantheon members- Agamemnon, Ajax, Hector, and Ulysses II locate Jedi Guardian #3. A fight ensues. Although the Jedi Guardian #3 manages to kill Agamemnon and Ulysses II, he eventually succumbs to the combined forces of Ajax, Hector and Darth Malak, who joins the fray. Autobots #6-9 see Ajax, Hector and Malak. It is only a matter of time before Autobots #6-9 destroy both Hector and Ajax. Darth Malak manages to take out Autobot #7 with his force lightning and lightsaber skills. Malak is wearied, but faces the remaining Autobots. The Titan Prometheus and Zeus come to the aid of Malak and destroy the remaining Autobots #6, 8 and 9.

A somewhat bloodied Darth Malak joins Jool Nooret in a battle against Decepticons #1-2. Although Decepticon #1 is damaged, the giant robots are too much for the sword masters. Darth Malak and Jool Nooret are killed. Superwoman, along with Hulk and Lyra come to face the Decepticons. After a pitched battle, Superwoman destroys Decepticon #2 and #1 is destroyed by the father-daughter combo of Hulk and Lyra.

The remaining robots come together to make their stand. Scooter and Crasher, along with (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, Soundblaster with Zombie Rumble, (movie) Frenzy (w/ a Red Lightsaber), (movie) Ravage, Zombie Laserbeak, Overkill, Slugfest, Squawk Talk, Beast Box and Fast Forward and (movie) Wheely float in various stages of transforming in a debris field which was once Grievous’ ship. The robots scan the debris and see a battle-ready Silver Surfer, Zeus, Hulk, Miss Martian, Superwoman, Prometheus and Lyra. The final battle between the combatants takes place in a rapid-fire, fevered pitch. One after another bodies fly and robot parts are destroyed. Squawk Talk and Beast Box are devastated by Miss Martian. Soundblaster with Zombie Rumble are defeated by the Hulk. Ravage is destroyed by Lyra. Miss Martian is killed by Starscream, who is then decimated by Superwoman. For killing his major domo, Megatron kills Superwoman in vengeance. Slugfest is killed by Prometheus. As Prometheus turns, he sees Laserbeak. The Transformer’s form reminds him of his prior fate - his regenerating liver being eaten for eternity by an eagle. Overkill, Frenzy, Jazz, and Laserbeak take advantage of Prometheus’ ponderings and kill him. Zeus uses all of his godlike powers to destroy Fast Forward, Jazz and Scooter. Crasher and Wheely are taken out by the Hulk; Lyra destroys Zombie Laserbeak. As Lyra turns to smile at her victory and bask in same with her father, she is killed by Megatron and Frenzy. Hulk is blinded by fury and destroys both Overkill and Frenzy. He is wounded by Frenzy’s lightsaber and succumbs to the malicious Megatron. Zeus and Silver Surfer combine their god and cosmic powers together to destroy Megatron.

Zeus and Silver Surfer look for the remaining member of the opposing side who was last seen in the Snow Speeder. As they approach the Speeder, they slowly see that it is simply drifting. They look into the cockpit and discover Billy Mays, spittle around his mouth and his eyes wide open. Mays has suffered from a heart attack – at the fury of the battle – nothing to do with the amount of drugs ingested.

The Right Wing: Silver Surfer and Zeus survive.

The Syracuse Valley: All dead.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!