Fantasy Fantasy League

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Message from the Commissioner

Much like last year, we will be doing a segment called "What's Going on in the Locker Room". This will be helpful to both the existing teams as well as the expansion teams. This is where the expansion teams can learn who is and who is not protected for the expansion draft. The 18 existing teams will have the oportunity to protect 70 characters, your list of 70 is due by November 1st so this segment can begin. Any early entries will be appreciated. If there are any questions please feel free to contact me by whichever means of media you prefer. Thanks.

-Josh

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Who's Watching the Watchers?!?

2009 All Star Game

American League: Hannibal Lecter (Head Coach), Supergirl, Superman, General Zod, Hancock, Doomsday, Dark Phoenix, Phoenix: Rachel Summers, Jean Grey, Onslaught, Luke Skywalker: Grand Jedi Master, Anakin Skywalker, Mace Windu, Thor, Beta Ray Bill, Batman, Red Hulk, Wolverine, Iron Man, Set, Deadpool.

National League: George Washington (Head Coach), Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi, Silver Surfer, Green Lantern: Hal Jordan, Wonder Woman, Power Girl, Ursa, Movie Megatron, Movie Starscream, Omega Supreme, Optimus Prime (Write-In), Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Hulk, Black Adam, Ron Popeil, Gandalf The White, Parallax, X-23, Loki, Im Ho Tep.

Watcher’s note: To fully experience this All Star Game, it is highly recommended that you listen to John Williams score from Jurassic Park while reading. Now on with the battle.

A dense fog is slowly rolling away from Isla Nublar, which is 120 miles off the coast of Costa Rica, as the National League All Stars are teleported onto the island. Head Coach George Washington has Optimus Prime lift him up in his massive robotic hand so that he may address his troops. “For far too long, we have been on the losing end in this ongoing battle against the villainous American League,” begins General Washington. “Today we have the opportunity to show the A.L. that their tyrannical rule over the F.F.L. is coming to an end. As I look out over you, I see one of the finest collections of fighters this league has bore witness to. And more importantly, I see individuals from all different teams, some teammates, others bitter rivals. I even see mortal enemies as well as close allies standing here. But you all come to this island today for one reason, and one reason only. To secure a victory for the Nation League! The American League is arrogant and is incapable of working together to achieve a common goal. Let’s use this to our advantage, and show them that we are not to be treated lightly. N.L. for life!” Washington’s speech is met with overwhelming applause. However, it is cut short by a big flash of light off in the distance, which could only have been caused by the teleportation of the American League All Stars. The treetops shake violently as, what at first glance appears to just be a small herd of Brachiosaurs heads popping out of them. But on closer inspection, they are actually the seven heads of Set. “Bowman, it’s time we show the A.L. just what the N.L. is made of,” General Washington says calmly. The Starchild then instantly disappears, only to reappear directly over Set. He then uses his vast cosmic powers to teleport the Serpent God to edge of the universe, The Source Wall. There he traps Set in it for all eternity.
Back on Isla Nublar, and just prior to this All Star Game, American League Head Coach Hannibal Lecter gave only one order to his team, “Win or I will eat you.” Lecter, however, isn’t the only one on this island thinking about dinner. A Tyrannosaurs Rex bursts out from the trees behind the A.L. All Stars and chomps down, eating Deadpool in one bite. Supergirl and Superman both quickly take the dinosaur out with their heat vision. The team then head towards their N.L. opponents. A few moments later, the side of the dead T-Rex then bursts open and a slimy Deadpool walks out from inside the stomach. “Did I just get eaten by a T-Rex?! How cool is that?!” exclaims Deadpool. He then looks around and notices that no one is there. He lets out a sigh and begins to race towards the fight. George Washington sees the oncoming attack from the American League and shouts orders to his team, “Magic team move forward. I want lightsabers at full charge.” The foliage rustles as the American League approaches. Wolverine is the first to enter the battle and leaps right at Gandalf The White, Im Ho Tep and Loki. Im Ho Tep instantly turns himself into sand and engulfs Wolverine, violently spinning the mutant in the air, literally shredding the flesh right off of his Adamantium skeleton. Im Ho Tep reconfigures himself as the metal skeleton crashes and clanks onto the ground. Iron Man then flies in and uses his repulsor rays to blast the NL back. Head Coach Washington the calls for his own inventor, Ron Popeil to attack Tony Stark. General Popeil takes off to the skies in his own super-powered robot suit. “What are you supposed to be?” asks Iron Man. “Well I’m glad you asked. What you are looking at right here is the never before released, one of a kind, prototype of the new conjoined effort by Ronco and Apple; the iRon Man suit,” says Popeil. “But wait! There’s more! You don’t need to have an electromagnet stuck into your chest to use it. Now how much would you pay for something like this?” But before Popeil can continue his pitch, Iron Man punches him in the helmet, sending him sailing back in the air. “Damn, that punch wrecked my MP3 player,” Popeil grumbles to himself. “Well let’s see how Stark likes this!” iRon Man then hits Iron Man with a sonic blast from his Mr. Microphone inspired audio weapons. He flies straight at Iron Man and lands several punches to the Abomitrons All Star. Then out from Popeil’s left hand pops a hollow spike, which he jams into Iron Man’s helmet. “Here’s another great function of the iRon Man suit, the Inside-the-Shell-Head Brain Scrambler. And to finish you off, how about I add in, free of charge, the Electric Body Dehydrator,” says Ron as he takes his right hand and places it right over Tony Stark’s chest piece. “It’s… going… to… take… a lot… more… to… finish… me… off,” says Iron Man. “J.A.R.V.I.S…. initialize Omega… Theta… Omega…6…0…3.” And with that command, Tony Stark’s Iron Man suit completely explodes and vaporizes both himself and Ron Popeil in the process.
Deadpool finally sees someone from the American League. “Hey, wait a second, you didn’t make this All Star Game?!” says Deadpool. “Sure I did. The fans voted me in,” replies Brandon Inge. “Dude, I know I’m not all there in the head, but I’m pretty sure that was the baseball All Star Game,” Deadpool says to Inge. “Ooooh. Crap,” says Brandon. And just as he realizes his mistake a group of Velociraptor attacks both Inge and Deadpool. Brandon tries his best to beat the Raptors away with his baseball bat, but ultimately has his stomach slashed open by the vicious carnivores. Deadpool is able to shoot and kill the Raptors but they do inflict quite a bit of damage to him. “Geez, this just, cough, isn’t my day,” Deadpool says to himself as he drops to his knees, allowing his healing factor to fix his wounds.
Back in the battle, Doomsday smashes his way through the trees and tackles Hulk off a cliff. The two behemoths pummel each other with such rage and power that it causes shockwaves with each blow. Doomsday grabs a Stegosaurs by the tail and spins it around his head whipping it at Hulk, knocking him through several large trees. Hulk in turn kills two Triceratops and rips their heads off, so he can use them as gauntlets. Hulk starts bashing Doomsday with his Triceratops-skull covered fists so hard that the horns on one of them penetrate Doomsday’s chest. Doomsday then kicks Hulk back and rips the Triceratops head out of his chest. He once again charges Hulk, but this time Hulk’s Right Wing teammate and Regular Season MVP, Silver Surfer blast him in the face. The two Right Wing members attack Doomsday with great intensity that are able to finally silence and defeat the monstrous beast. Movie Megatron and Movie Starscream fly high above the dinosaur-infested island, doing strafing runs at the American League squad. Movie Starscream unloads multiple missiles towards them, but they unexpectedly change coarse and blow apart him instead. His falling carcass then is crumpled into a ball and slams into Movie Megatron sending him crashing to the ground as well. Once Movie Megatron regains his footing, he finds himself staring his aggressor right in the face, Onslaught. Movie Megatron unleashes everything ounce of energy and power he as upon Onslaught, but the mighty mutant is too powerful for the Transformer. Onslaught rips Movie Megatron apart and flings the pieces towards the National League. Hal Jordan quickly puts up a green energy shield, saving his team from the shrapnel, which was once their teammate. The team of Loki, Gandalf the White and Dave Bowman, who has just returned from the Source Wall, all engage Onslaught. Loki and Gandalf both attack Onslaught with various forms of magical spells, which seem to be starting to wear down the mutant. However, they are disrupted by a heard of stampeding Hadrosaurus, which gives Onslaught an opportunity to attack. He uses his magnetic abilities to twist the long horns protruding off of Loki’s helmet, impaling the trickster god with them. It’s at this point that The Starchild has seen enough and sacrifices himself as he destroys Onslaught with his cosmic abilities.
A.L. Head Coach Hannibal Lecter then orders the incredible team of Superman, Supergirl, General Zod and Hancock into the fray. The four powerhouses fly into battle, led by Superman, who is flanked by Supergirl and General Zod. Hancock flies slightly back from the three Kryptonians, due the fact that he thinks they are all arrogant and stuck up. Except for Supergirl, he thinks she hot, just sort of bitchy. Hal Jordan, Power Girl, Ursa, and Black Adam meet them in the air. Just as they all clash in combat, Head Coach Lecter shouts “Jean, Rachel, NOW!” With this order, both Dark Phoenix and Rachel Summers fly up to the ongoing battle and unleash the Phoenix Force on all eight combatants, incinerating all of them. The entire battlefield stands motionless from shock, after witnessing all of these powerful beings killed in one fell swoop. “Surfer, destroy them we must. Help you I will,” says Yoda as he jumps onto the front of Silver Surfer’s surfboard. They take off heading right for Dark Phoenix. Omega Supreme blast up into the air, providing some much needed cover fire for his teammates as Silver Surfer fires a concentrated blast straight at the cosmic being. She is able to withstand the blast and fires back a blast of cosmic energy of her own. Yoda is able to deflect it with the Force as they are within striking distance. Yoda leaps from the surfboard, ignites his lightsaber and plunges it deep into Dark Phoenix’s chest. The cosmic fire emitting from Dark Phoenix singes Yoda’s cloak as he leaps back off of her and onto Silver Surfer’s board. Silver Surfer then spins around and hits Rachel with a blast of cosmic energy that blows a hole right through her stomach. Thor and Beta Ray Bill together then attack the largest member of the National League squad, Omega Supreme, who is taken by surprise, since his focus was on aiding Yoda and Silver Surfer. Thor and Beta Ray Bill call down several strong lightning bolts that arc right at the enormous Autobot. “Attack, ineffective,” bellows Omega. He then takes aim and fires his plasma blaster arm, which knocks Beta Ray Bill from the sky. Thor then swoops in and lands on the Transformer’s shoulder. He then takes a might swing with Mjolnir and smashes the protective shield on Omega Supreme’s helmet. Omega retaliates by flipping his rear laser cannon over his head and blasting Thor point blank with it. Unhappy with the job the Thor’s are doing, Head Coach Lecter sends Red Hulk in to aid them. The three American Leaguers then attack Omega Supreme from several angles and eventually bring him to his knees. Thor delivers the final blow to the valiant and massive Autobot by driving Mjolnir into the base of Omega Supreme’s head.
Meanwhile, Deadpool is still trying to join the battle. He can see all the smoke and destruction and it’s killing him that he’s not in the thick of it. “This sucks! I should be right there kicking butt for the National League. No wait, the American League. Oh who cares, I should just be kicking butt!” Deadpool exclaims to anyone that is listening. Which is no one. “And now here I am by myself, ah, talking to myself. That’s, that’s chaos. Ah ha ha ahh.” A Dilophosaurs then confronts him. “Wait a second. I’ve seen Jurassic Park. You’re the dinosaur that spits purple goop at people right before…” The dinosaur interrupts Deadpool and spits its venom right at his face. “Yep, I knew it.” The Dilophosaurs leaps at Deadpool, who pulls out his gun and blows away the dinosaur. “Man this stuff really stings the eyes,” Deadpool says to himself. He then just takes his mask off, which has most of the venom stuck to it.
Back in the actual battle, Batman is squaring off against Obi Wan Kenobi. Batman is trying to keep his distance from Obi’s lightsaber by leaping between the trees and launching several batarangs at the Jedi Master. Obi Wan then Force pushes Batman, knocking him into the leg of a Brachiosaurs. Batman in turn, begins to run up the tail of the mighty beast, with Obi Wan close behind. The ever-resourceful Batman then pulls a new weapon he’s been working on in the locker room this season, a batsaber. He ignites the purple-bladed batsaber as the two combatants clash high upon the back of the passing by Brachiosaurs. Obi Wan is impressed by Batman’s skills, no only with hand-to-hand combat, but with his batsaber. Batman ducks a quick swipe from Obi Wan’s lightsaber, which slices the ears off of Batman’s cowl. Batman then lunges at the Jedi Master and tackles him down onto the dinosaur’s back. Obi Wan kicks the Dark Knight off of him, but Batman fires his grappling hook up into the air, which wraps around the snout of the dinosaur. Batman swings through the air towards Obi Wan, who patiently awaits the attack. Batman ignites his batsaber and tries to cut down the Jedi Master. But Obi Wan is prepared for this and he dropkicks Batman down and ends this confrontation by driving his lightsaber into the bat logo upon Bruce’s chest. Red Hulk charges straight towards Gandalf the White, who begins to fire several bolts of magic at the behemoth. Unfortunately, this is a futile attempt, Rulk powers through it and stomps the White Wizard into the ground. He then pick up Gandalf’s staff and breaks it in two. “Rulk killed Hulk’s teammate! Hulk now kill Rulk!” yells Hulk as he uppercuts Rulk high up into the sky. As Rulk falls back down to the island, he grabs a hold of a Pterosaur and climbs up on it, using it to fly straight at Hulk. But, all of a sudden, Rulk sees a tiny green blur zipping right at him. Hulk has launched Yoda into the air and directly at Rulk. The Jedi Master plunges his lightsaber deep between Rulk’s eyes and kills the arrogant red monster. “Little green man help Hulk,” says Hulk in thanks to Yoda who uses the Pterosaur to land safely back down. “Friend of Surfer you are. Friend of mine now you are as well,” replies Yoda.
Deadpool finally reaches the battle, only to be instantly attacked by X-23, who is relentless. He shoots her several times, but she keeps coming right at him, slices his gun in half. X-23 then kicks Deadpool in the chest with her foot blade and knocks him into a giant pile of Triceratops droppings. “Man, I’m really going to have to remember to wash my hands before I eat anything,” Deadpool says to himself. He then jumps out of the droppings, pulls his kitana blades out and slashes X-23 several times. She then gets in close and takes his right hand clean off with her claws. “You’re, ah, tenacious,” Deadpool says to X-23. “You have no idea,” she replies as she then cuts the Merc with a Mouth’s head off. As his head rolls on the ground, Deadpool says right before he dies, “Great, I think this means I’m extinct.”
The trio of Luke Skywalker, Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu all leap into action and attack the N.L.’ers. Luke and Anakin use the Force to leap up onto Silver Surfer’s board and double team the cosmic being. Though Silver Surfer is extremely powerful in his own right, he just cannot stand up to these two-gifted Jedi’s. He falls to a double blow from their lightsabers. Luke and Anakin then leap back down and use an Apatosaurs as a slide to glide safely back down into battle. (Kind of like what Batman and Robin do when they are fighting Mr. Freeze in the museum in “Batman and Robin.” Remember? No? Oh, sorry then.) Mace Windu, however, finds himself being attacked by Wonder Woman. Her sword, which was forged by Hephaestus, clashes with Master Windu’s lightsaber, sending sparks sailing into the air. They continue to battle with great intensity, neither giving an inch. Mace is finally able to knock Diana’s sword out of her hand and kicks her to the ground. He attempts to finish her off with a powerful swing of his lightsaber, but she blocks it with her bracelets. Wonder Woman then uppercuts Mace hard, sending him flying back in the air. She then flings the golden lasso of truth at him, but Mace does something and shocks Diana, he slices it in half. She then flies hard head first at the Jedi Master and quickly breaks his arm, which causes him to drop his lightsaber. Wonder Woman then takes what’s left of the lasso and strangles the life out of Mace. Anakin and Luke then find themselves surrounded by X-23, Im Ho Tep and Parallax. Anakin is the first to act and rushes Im Ho Tep, due to the fact that the Mummy beat him during the Regular Season. The enraged Jedi slices Im Ho Tep right down the middle with his lightsaber, which prevents Im Ho Tep from turning into sand due to the fact that the lightsaber melted the sand into glass. Luke then squares off against X-23. She is quick on her feet, but Luke’s experience is enough to defeat the mutant. He then feels a great deal of pain. Luke looks down, only to find his father’s lightsaber sticking out of his chest. As Anakin pulls his lightsaber out of his son’s back, Luke drops to his knees. “Father, why?” ask Luke. Anakin leans in close to Luke’s ear and replies “Not father… Parallax. The fear and power coursing through this body is unbelievable.” Luke dies at Anakin/Parallax’s feet.
Hulk has found himself being double-teamed by Thor and Beta Ray Bill, who have both recovered from their battle with Omega Supreme. The Thors work together seamlessly and attack Hulk with a melee of lightning and hammer blows. Dr. Banner is unable to withstand this constant and unrelenting attack, and finally succumbs to their power, but not before he is able to crush Beta Ray Bill’s neck, taking him down with him. Hannibal Lecter finally has seen enough and sneak attacks General Washington. He bites down hard on Washington’s neck and tears some flesh from the first President. Washington is bleeding badly from this wound, but refuses to give up. He pulls out his sword and stabs Lecter in the side. Hannibal pulls out a scalpel and drives it into Washington’s heart, finally killing the National League Head Coach. But then Head Coach Lecter hears chirping around him. He finds himself surround by several dozen Compys. The chicken sized dinosaurs attack him and eat the American League Head Coach, in an act of slight irony. Jean Grey tries to use her telepathy powers to free Anakin Skywalker from Parallax’s hold on him, but she is taken out by Wonder Woman’s sword. Thor now finds himself as the last member of the American League, since Anakin is most likely lost to Parallax. The God of Thunder has no intention on losing this battle for his new league. Thor flies into action and targets Wonder Woman first. Thor smashes Wonder Woman hard across the face with Mjolnir, crushing her jaw. He then swings it down to finish her off.
Optimus Prime now looks over the battlefield and sees that Parallax has taken over Anakin’s body. “Master Yoda, this is not right. Parallax needs to be stopped,” says Optimus. “Agree with you I do. American League does he act like,” replies Yoda. Optimus Prime then transforms and rolls out towards Parallax, who is reveling in the power from Anakin. “Parallax, release that Jedi!” screams Optimus as he transforms back into his robot form. Parallax comes out of Anakin’s body and flies right at the Autobot leader. Optimus grabs the fear entity and yells “Give me your face!” as he rips Parallax’s head off. Thor then quickly flies down and scoops Anakin up before anyone can attack him. “It is now just the two of us brave Jedi,” Thor says to Anakin. “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s finish this team!” replies an eager Anakin. “Aye,” Thor responds. They both land right in front of Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi and Optimus Prime. Thor raises his hammer high into the air and launches down a massive lightning bolt right at the two Jedi Masters, but in an act of pure heroism, Optimus Prime dives in front of them, taking the lightning bolt right through the chest, extinguishing his spark. The four final All Star clash. Thor squares off against Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin attacks Yoda. Obi Wan makes some incredible moves, being much quicker than Thor. Thor brings his hammer down hard, but Obi Wan blocks it with his lightsaber. Anakin furiously attacks Yoda, who calmly flips, spins and jumps out of the way of every swing of Anakin’s lightsaber. Yoda finally back flips over a lunging Anakin and relieves him of his head. He then turns to aide Obi Wan against Thor, but is a moment too late. Thor launches down another lightning bolt, which Obi Wan absorbs with his lightsaber, but this was just a distraction from the real attack, which was a well placed uppercut with Mjolnir right to Obi Wan’s jaw, killing him on impact. Yoda regretfully leaps onto Thor’s back and drives his lightsaber into the back of the thunder god’s neck, killing his one time teammate.

THE NATIONAL LEAGUE IS VICTORIOUS!

Friday, July 31, 2009

The American League Logo

Eat this NL.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The National League has a new Logo.

Enjoy it National Leaguers.

Sub-human American Leaguers are also welcome to bask in the glow that is the NL's new logo.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Final Season 2 B3 Press Conference

Vader:

After further discussion with the owner, on behalf of the B3 Team, I have been instructed to address the other owners in this great league.

First, we stand by the Commisioner's decision to limit his actions to only the suspension of Nickatu. The remaining issues have been decided by his eminence and we believe that for the good of the entire league, we must move on. Thus, we will not be requesting a vote of "no confidence." With that said, we wish to point out to all those who have read Nickatu's diatribe that the whimpy drivel spewed forth in his statement to the league justifies our allegations that he, I mean his human-self character Nick Houslander, would have never treated Belle like he did - he is too much of a wuss, I mean a "gentleman" to do so.

Second, it has come to our attention that one of our members continues to suffer from a substance abuse problem. His image was previously captured on an entertainment magazine's cover, although we at B3 deny the remaining characters depicted on said cover ,and continue to argue that the photograph was doctored by a jealous FFL member. [You know who you are Horatio Caine]. After looking at the matches and commentary throughout the year, it is evident that Pablo is in need of our help. We have recently learned that a doctor has been on private retainer, without the knowledge of either the owner, or any member of this team. Pablo's rash, vitriolic hyperbole spewed most recently toward Artifact, a fellow FFL team owner, is unacceptable and was the breaking point. Thus, Pablo has decided for the benefit of all involved to publicly apologize to Artifact and voluntarily seek help at an institution. We hope to see him ready and sober for next season.

Finally, we are shocked at the comments of a fellow AL comrade whom we once recognized as a friend commenting on another Watcher's frailty during his peyote-inspired hallucinations. Shame on you! You should understand that the only reason why you won this year is because our B3 team had to face The Lightbulb Thief's team before we had a chance to face you.

With all of the above said, we remain humbly indebted to this league for allowing us to voice our opinion's without having to face retribution. . .

-Vader

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

BBQ Message

Hi everybody, I am assuming that by Aug. 1st all of the bad blood will be cleared over this Consolation Match Controversy. Bryan was wondering if anybody else would be bringing anything to the BBQ. Bryan will be supplying the meat (all 3 inches of it) so if there is something else that people would like to bring just give him or I a call. I hope to see you all then.

-Josh the Commish.

Press Release by Nickatu

Dear members of the Fantasy Fantasy League,

I would like to help try and clear the air about the allegations brought up against me and the punishment that stemmed from it. The suit brought against me by Lord Vader was shocking to say the least. The fact that he thinks I fudged that match is completely ridiculous. It is also very hurtful to think that someone would question my moral fiber to the extent of saying I would cheat on a match. This allegation touches the very core of what makes this league so great but also so very vulnerable at the same time. If the integrity of this league or one of its watchers were to be compromised, I am afraid that it would no longer be able to function. Which is why I would like to say once and for all that I did not do anything wrong in that match. Sure, I was writing a character that had similar characteristics to me, but it was not me that was in the match. What you read is exactly what I saw in that match. It was a brutal match to watch and I was just as shocked on the outcome as everyone else was. Past that though, nothing else out of the ordinary happened.

As for the punishment of not being able to write, that is an understandable outcome for something as troubling as these allegations were against me. I understand that the commish must take his time reviewing this matter and if me not writing for a while helps calm this situation down, then I will gladly sit this one out for the better of the league.

I hope this will once and for all clear the air about the sour grapes, uh, I mean the allegations that were brought upon me last week by the Backyardigans. I hope that this has not tainted every ones opinion of me and I truly hope that the relationship between the league and its Watchers has not been harmed by this situation. Thank you all for listening and I will see you in 2010.

-Nickatu

Friday, July 17, 2009

Response from the Comissioner

It seems as though Watcher D (commonly referred to as Nickatu) is being accused of passing on some of the incalculable cosmic power possessed by all Watchers to the human member of The Right Wing known as Nick Houslander. I have done much research on this human and have come to the conclusion that Vader & The B-3 squad are correct about some things but not others. About Nick not being tough or cool in any way shape or form, I must side with the Backyardigans. But the idea that Nick would do something right in the presence of a woman is completely ridiculous. As for assessing Nick Houslander with a death, I would not go against what the cosmos have decided in this epic match, nor will I punish The Right Wing, as they have been a perfect example of class since the very beginning of The FFL. As for removing deaths from Belle or any of the Backyardigans, let me think about that for a second................ How about YEAH RIGHT! Personally I can't wait until those ra-tards are rotting away on the Graveyard, so the entire idea of removing deaths from them is ridiculous. With that being said Nickatu will be suspended from all match writing idefinitely (but not to last longer than 6 months). I apologize for the controversy, but not even the all powerful comissioner can Watch the Watchers.
Sincerely

-Josh the Commish

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Week 3: Consolation Match - B3 v Right Wing: Formal Charges Filed

Vader: Please be advised that after further discussion with my owner, we believe it necessary to file a Formal Complaint against Watcher Nickatu and The Right Wing. The charges to be filed are as follows:

1. Breach of Contract: Nickatu clearly breached his contract with the League because of his abhorrent "watching" of the relevant match. Due to this breach, as well as the charges filed below, we are requesting the Commissioner suspend him from further "watching" functions (except for the Bar-B-Q) until January 1, 2010.

2. Breach of Fiduciary Duty: As a Watcher, Nickatu is to be an unbiased observer of the matches presented to him. It is clear from the match's outcome that the results were unscrupulously erroneous, as well as Nick's persona being immensely fabricated. Thus, Nickatu acted as a conduit for his "human" self and not in the best interests of the match, and more importantly, the league. Shame on him!!!

3. Fraud and/or Misrepresenation: Nick is a p#$$y, pure and simple. He is not a shotgun toting weapon of mass destruction that he was represented to be in the match by Nickatu. Further, Nick would not treat Belle as he did- a piece of a$$ as hot as that- - no way. She would have his tiny genitalia wrapped around her finger.

4. Civil Conspiracy: It is clear that a conspiracy has taken place in the FFL; the parties being The Right Wing, Nick Houslander and Nickatu. As such, we will be requesting punitive damages (Nick suffering an additional death - which would have occurred had the match been written properly) and exemplary damages (the deaths of Pablo and Belle not being counted- lives restored). Given the grievous nature of the transaction which has occurred, it is only fair.

On behalf of B3, we are requesting a formal written response from the Commissioner to address all of the above points of conern.

Thank you.

-Vader

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Universe Bowl II MVP: Supergirl

Team: Horsemen of Apokolips

2009 Playoffs MVP: Optimus Prime

Team: George Washington's Slaves

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos Vs. TEAM

The Commandos are Dora, Backpack, Boots, The Map, & Ahmed Best.

TEAM is Mike Sroka.

Mike Sroka (the last time I'm going to use his real name) isn't supposed to be at the battle setting until 6:00 A.M. but he wakes up at 4:00 just to get out their early and get ready. Tim knows that he has the home field advantage and that if he is ever going to get off of TEAM's practice squad and back on the regular "270" than he is going to have to kick some Commando butt today. Dora shows up with her squad at about 5:45 so Paul says "It figures that you guys would send 3 people to try and beat me". Backpack says to Map: "check it out Map, I don't think this guy is counting Ahmed or Boots". Wah Wah WAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh is the sound that magically comes out of the sky after this knee-slapping comment. As the match begins Steve jumps into the ditch and gets covered in sludge and disgustingness (I know that that is a word cause it took me 2 minutes to make it up). Bry looks up at Ahmed Best and says: "What's wrong Murenthall, you scared to Simm your Mimm"? Ahmed Best than jumps into the rotting leaf infested ditch as well, but Tim rushes at him with his hockey stick and starts saying the following as he is beating Ahmed Best to death (read this part as fast as you can, to get the full effect): "OOOOhhhhhh the bend, Explosive Power! Oh yeah, who's like Tim, I'm like Tim, with the Bryan Murrimm. Tim Tim Tim Simm, Simmellthay, put the puck in the net Paul. I'm gonna win this match like Bryan Muratch. I wanna vent-vent........... vent a drip edge with Tim. What you wanna do? Tim, Paul, Steve, & The Murr are like Crim, Crawl, Creve, & Crurr. Oh you wanna fight, like Ty Domey, I'm like Probert, more like Tim mixed with Probert in a lab like Timmell and Simmellthay and Crimmellcray, with The Bryan MurrAAAy. What? You look like you've never been beaten to death with a Hockey stick before, skating around with the Bryan Murore. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul". Ahmed Best is now completely dead while Steve is ready to kick the crap of Dora. Dora tries to formulate a plan with Boots and the gang, but before she can, Paul pulls a stick that he rigged up with a tarp covered in leaves underneath Dora and the crew which pulls them all into the ditch. Steve says: "OOOOOhhhhhhhh! You suck Timmette! I run this like Bettman! I'm like Illitch in the lab with Steve and Timmell". Dora says: "What the hell is he talking about Boots"? Boots looks at the camera and says: "What was your favorite nonsense word that our opponent said so far"?................................................(wait for it)...................."me too". Bry says in reply: "you're in my ditch now get ready to face the awesome". Map pops out of Backpack and says: "This guy is as crazy as Bryan Murray, when he traded Tim Cheveldae". Boots looks at Dora and says: "Oh crap Dora, it's spreading already". Dora says: snap out of it Map, just find us a way out of this ditch and we'll go back to the base away from all this free-styling Tim & Paulin". Map says: "What are you talking about? Are you trying to say that that was not the most tragic and trying time of your life. Tim was the greatest goalie in NHL history". Map is then saved from himself as Tim rips right thru him with his hockey stick to kill him. Paul then does the same thing to Backpack. This pulls Dora down further into the muck, where she lies on her back, inadvertantly drowning Back Pack. Steve then tries to kill Boots, but Dora jumps back up and does a flying drop kick which breaks Bry's Hockey stick in half. "I guess our grudge is still on"Tim says as he rushes at Dora weaponless. Paul then grabs an aluminum bat that he hid in the ditch earlier that morning and begins swinging it, but Dora reaches in to the now dead Backpack and pulls out Lazarus Long's Vibroblade, which she keeps for herself and his dart gun which she throws to Boots. "Lets get serious about this Boots" Dora says to her Monkey sidekick. Boots jumps on to Steve's head, but Bry pulls him off like Bryan Muroth. "I'm a Simmin my hay and I'm a gonna go home and eat my best friend a Bryan MurrAAy". Tim says in a whimsical and musical tone as he stomps on Boots with his boots until Boots is nothing but a boot mark. Paul then moves to attack Dora. Steve has rage and momentum on his side; but luckily for Dora, it is in these intense moments that the training kicks in. Dora actually goes under the disgusting water and uses her small frame to swim underneath him (just like she did when she was escaping out of her home country). She attempts to uses her futuristic vibroblade but Steve knocks it out of her hand (like Bryan Murand) breaking her middle 3 fingers in the process. Dora is now weaponless as she tries to escape to the other side of the ditch, but Bry has her just where he wants her. Tim rushes at Dora with his aluminum bat at the ready when all of the sudden, the insanely humongous muscle on Paul's leg explodes, exposing him for only a brief second, which is all Dora needs to Explore her way out of this piece of crap match. She sneaks up behind the CMS victim and cracks his neck with her bare hands. "Simm that Mimm. Crimmellthay". Dora says as she walks away from the cold, damp battlefield.
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S "BEST OF BOTH WORLDS" TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS IS VICTORIOUS!

THE UNIVERSE BOWL: George Washington's Slaves Vs. The Horsemen of Apokolips

George Washington’s Slaves are Wedge Antilles & Adm. Ackbar in The Shuttle Tyderium, Trinity in the Bat-Copter, Capt. Kirk in a Tie Fighter, Jason Bourne in a Ferrari F-40, Corbin Dallas & Santa Claus in a Snow Speeder, Agen Kolar, Neo, Amazo, Loki, Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen #7, Arisia, Yoda, Yoshi, Augustus Cole, Damon Baird, Dominic Santiago, & Marcus Fenix, Ben Skywalker, Bronze Dragon #20, Cade Skywalker, Cassandra Nova, Colossus, Connor McLeod, Cthulu, Jedi Master #1, Dare the Terminator, Darth Plaguis, Duncan Idaho Ghola #7, Inspector Gadget, Jimmy Neutron, Ki Adi Mundi, King Kong, Martian Manhunter, Optimus Prime, Sandworm #15, Shaak Ti, Super Soldier, & T-1000.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Supergirl, Superboy Prime, Sinestro, The Stunticons: Motor Master, Drag Strip, Dead End, Breakdown, & Wild Rider, Starscream, Sunstorm, Mara Jade in a F-22, Luke Skywalker Grand Jedi Master & R6-03 in a Y-Wing, Saeese Tiin in a Tie Bomber, Plo Koon & Josh Houslander in a Snow Speeder, Stitch in the Blue Falcon, Cable & Charlton Heston in a Stealth Bomber, Havok, The Sentry, Juggernaut, Daken, Phoenix, Venom II, Captain Marvel II, Exitar the Exterminator, The One Above All, Pinhead, Lucius Malfoy, Sheanna, Seaworm #7, Achilles w/ his Myrmidons: Deadly little Miho, Deathstroke, Sabertooth, Taskmaster, & Chris & Julie Artrip (Heston’s in the Stealth).

From High above The Play-Off Planet where I prepare to witness this cataclysmic event I can already feel the tension that these 2 teams, who have proven themselves to be the best in their respective leagues, are emitting. Many fighters on both sides of the battle suited up in preparation today knowing that this would most likely be there very last battle, but everyone of them are prepared to give their all, for their team. As Josh Houslander climbs into the back of Plo Koon’s Rebel Snow Speeder, the Jedi Master asks him how he is feeling. Josh responds with: “Some days I feel like I could take on the whole National League myself”. “I know the feeling” Master Koon responds. Wedge & Ackbar on the other hand are already high above the battlefield as they lead the entire Slave air squadron from the cockpit of the stolen Imperial Shuttle Tyderium codenamed Slave-2 (Slave 1 was taken). Trinity responds over the comlink with “Slave-3 standing by”. Capt. Kirk: “Slave………4…………Standing……by” Corbin Dallas: “Slave-5 standing by”. Jimmy Neutron & Inspector Gadget, from their self constructed heavily armed craft: “Slave-6 standing by”. And even Jason Bourne from the city streets down below in his Ferrari F-40 says: “Slave-7 standing by". Wedge feels great, now that he is back in the cockpit of a ship, as he is still in a state of disbelief after what he saw Yoda do up close to win the League Finals against the Commandos. The Slaves ships stay close and prepare for their air offensive, while The Horsemen ships are a little bit more scattered, as they all have orders to back up different team members. Darkseid laid out part of a battle plan for The Universe Bowl before he died, but it can only be followed so closely without his leadership in the field; which means that Head Coach Hannibal Lectur’s plans will have to be followed more closely, with less mid-match audibles than The Horsemen are used to. Despite their reputation, as the most aggressive team in both leagues, The Horsemen are taken slightly off guard as The Slaves rush in first, as one solid wave. Gen Washington, who made himself famous with his guerilla war tactics, knows that Coach Lectur has read a few books about him, so in an attempt to take The Horsemen off guard he sends his men in first. In the locker room before the battle Coach Washington told his Slaves that if they were going to defeat The Horsemen, it was going to have to be a battle of divide and conquer. He knew casualties could be high with this kind of battle plan, but he then finished his speech off with: “Then again casualties seem to be high, no matter who The Horsemen fight against”. Jason Bourne is racing around the city streets in his Ferrari when he begins being chased by Stitch in the Blue Falcon. Stitch has the speed advantage with his car but as Bourne zips up and down the city roads Stitch is unable to get the F-Zero Grand Prix racer up to its potential speeds. Stitch actually feels great going into this battle, now that he has his leg back, which was shot off by TEAM’s own Seraph during The American League finals. Stitch’s leg is of course back because for the first time in FFL history The Horsemen front office actually decided to Euthanize the alien so they could have him back at his full potential for the Universe Bowl. Jason Bourne, who is in full contact with Wedge & Slave Squadron, jerks his vehicle to the left and rockets down an alley as fast as he can. Bourne then breaks off the passenger side door handle and jams it onto the top of the gas peddle as he aims the car for a building about a half of a mile away. With the car now out in the open Stitch instantly starts to gain on the Ferrari and blasts his futuristic car up to about 400 miles an hour. Bourne then climbs out the window of the car while Jimmy Neutron flies his little bubble ship down above them. Inspector Gadget yells “Go-Go Gadget arms as he sends them down to grab Bourne before the car crashes into the building. Stitch screams something not even remotely sounding like English as The Blue Falcon hits the back of the Ferrari and sends it airborne. Stitch is then killed as The Blue Falcon crashes into the side of another building about a mile away. Yoda, was a little bit disappointed that Gen Washington benched Kybuck; but despite this feeling, he seems to be enjoying riding atop Yoshi just as well. Yoda & Yoshi, race in toward their opponents with a full team of Jedi running behind them. Agen Kolar, Ben & Cade Skywalker, Ki Adi Mundi, Shaak Ti, and Jedi Master #1, along with Ginaz Swordmaster #7 & Duncan Idaho rush toward the evil trio of Pinhead, Lucius Malfoy, & Captain Marvel II (not really sure how Captain Marvel got lumped into “the evil trio”, but I guess sometimes, it is just the company you keep). The Jedi & Ginaz swordmasters work so quickly and as such a great unit, that it is hard to tell that they are actually all independent minded individuals. Duncan Idaho uses his broad sword to take out Malfoy before he can get a single spell off, while Noh Varr takes flight in an attempt to gain an advantage over the 2 Skywalkers. Pinhead mentally swings his chains around to attack the Jedi but they are to fast to catch. Capt. Marvel manages to unload an amazing amount of energy to blast at Ben Skywalker, who attempts to block it with his lightsaber. The Jedi weapon is just simply not thick enough to handle that much energy as Marvel blasts Ben apart. Varr then flies over to attack Cade in the same way, but by the time Marvel moves to attack him Cade has already force leaped into the air and removed Marvel’s head with his lightsaber. Pinhead manipulates his chains to gain a hold over Agen Kolar. It does not take long for the Jedi Master to become overcome with the evil that is within them as he is violently ripped apart by the Cenobite’s power. Although it was not done on purpose, Kolar completely takes one for the team as his struggle took more of the Hellraiser’s power and attention than he is letting on. While Kolar is being killed, the Yoda led Jedis use their lightsabers to finish off Pinhead. When one is gifted with amazing cosmic powers such as myself and my watcher brethren, the world is opened up to amazing new visions, such as the battle I was privileged to witness between Cthulu and the head Celestial The One Above All. From my perspective the amount of wisdom, power, and courage (I don’t know if courage was really the right word, but I didn’t want to pass up a chance to make a Zelda Tri-force reference) that was expelled between these 2 creatures in what you may refer to as a single earth second was amazingly astounding to behold, but to witness it with the untrained eye, it merely looked like these 2 enormous creatures simply moved towards each other and disappeared. Which is basically what happened as The Old One & The One Above All were wiped from this plain of existence to make room for new forms of power and wisdom to grow (or something like that). Sheanna waltzes into the desert area of the Play-Off Planet, knowing what awaits her. As she purposely walks with a distinct rhythm in her feet, Sandworm #15 is drawn to her vibrations. The mighty worm rears up and reaches an amazing standing height, but then just stands there as if he is an audience of 1 to her perfectly performed show. Sheanna has complete control of the Sandworm, who has an indescribable connection to her. The 2 beings just stand there in silence, with a mutual admiration for each other when, the part of the plan that Sheanna is unaware of begins to transpire. With the worm in a semi-vulnerable spot, Darkseid very last plan and order are played out. Both Saeese Tiin in The Tie Bomber & Cable & Chuck in the Stealth Bomber release a plethora of heavy weapons fire, both into the mouth and toward the exposed underbelly of Shai Halud. Had Sheanna known that this was the plan, she may have not been so anxious to go have her meeting with the worm, but as their front office always says: “Every Horseman has a role”. Sheanna is a bit disgusted with the backhanded way that the worm was destroyed, but she knew as well as anybody that if this battle was going to be won that the Slaves worm or worms were going to have to be destroyed. Sheanna wanders the desert, now reeking of the cinnamon smell of mélange that is so pungent coming directly off of the worm. The spice-addicted King Kong is drawn to this aroma which is why he picks up Sheanna as if she is the most delectable smelling snack on the planet, which judging by the look on his face, when he bit her head. He just might have been right. Saeese Tiin and Cable both bank left to head back toward the city, but they don’t notice Delta Squad perched on top of one of the lower skyscrapers in the city area. Fenix orders his men to deploy some land to air missiles to take out the 2 bombers but Master Tiin takes evasive action to avoid the attack. Cable on the other hand is not quick enough to save his ship, but he and Charlie do manage to eject in time. Saeese Tiin is an incredible pilot, but once The Delta Squad continues firing on him he is unable to avoid their close range shots. He too is then forced to eject from the ship before it explodes (more like force leap out of the cockpit). Once down on the ground, the former bomber pilots reunite with each other. Saeese Tiin leads Cable and Charles (he hates it when Cable calls him that) quickly up the stairs of the building where he knows that Delta Squad is hold up before the can take out any more of The Horsemen’s aircraft. Before they open the door to the roof, all 3 Horsemen know that Delta Squad knows that they are coming and are prepared for them (Tiin because he has the force, Cable because he is a mind reader, & of course Heston because he is awesome). Master Tiin uses the force to knock down the door while they take cover on the stairs. Immediately as the door opens Delta Squad opens fire into the stairwell. Cable leads the 3 of them in a standard formation against the squad that not only has better positioning over them, but has them outnumbered as well. Cable uses his futuristic rifle to take out Damon Baird, but The Cole Train puts a bullet between the mutant’s eyes to return the favor. Saeese Tiin ignites his lightsaber and quickly takes out both Augustus Cole and Dominic Santiago, while Chaz throws down a spin move that most men half his age couldn’t pull off and then recovers in time to put 3 rounds from his M-16 into the Delta Squad leader. Saeese Tiin and Chuck Heston both agree that it was down right gnarly working together, but they then decide that it would be best if they split up, so Tiin can regroup with his Jedi Brethren and that Chizzle Hestizzle can go find The Myrmidons. Motor Master and the Stunticons are tearing up the city streets at high speeds when the Optimus Prime look-alike (Motor Master) decides that it is time to merge to form Menasor. Menasor is looking very menacing as Trinity comes flying in, in the Bat-Copter. She takes evasive action as Menasor tries to shoot her down with his Cybertronian lasers when she returns fire from the Bat-Copter. Trinity quickly finds out that the Bat-Copter’s weapons are no match for The Decepticon Gestalt, so she tries out a different course of action. Trinity loops back around Menasor and then jumps out of the vehicle, rolling onto the cement unharmed. The unmanned (sorry unwomanned) Bat-Copter crashes into Menasor and not only breaks the gestalt apart, but also kills both Drag Strip and Dead End in the process. The tiny human does an amazing job evading the attacks of the 3 remaining Stunticons when lucky for her, Optimus Prime shows up to lend a hand. Trinity runs up the side of Breakdown and punches right thru the back oh his neck. She then drops a few Bat-bomb destablilizers down the hole to disable his spark. Motor Master transforms into his truck form and so does Optimus who begins driving right at him. Wild Rider transforms as well into his Ferrari form but Trinity jumps onto the back of him. Motor Master, who is obsessed with destroying Optimus so he can be King of the Road continues the game of chicken which neither of them plan to swerve from. The 2 of them collide head on, but of course it is Motor Master who gets the worst of the collision. As they transform back into robot form Motor Master is pretty banged up while Optimus is basically fine. Trinity climbs inside of Wild Rider and starts ripping out wires to disable the Stunticon which she is successful doing (it is a good thing that she downloaded a program for Decepticon hot-wiring this morning). She then takes control of Wild Rider and crashes him into the head of the slumped over Motor Master, while she jumps out of yet another moving vehicle just in the nick of time. Optimus nods to Trinity as he transforms and rolls out, not knowing that that will be the last time he sees her. Just as Trinity begins to think that she has earned a rest Havok pops out from behind the Decepticon wreckage that were once his teammates and blows her apart. Cassandra Nova attempts to take over the mind of Venom II but before she can do any damage, Rachel Summers breaks apart the mental link, releasing some of the Phoenix force into the mind of Cassandra Nova, which is more than enough to kill her. Mara Jade is having too much trouble keeping up with Starscream and Sunstorm so she breaks off and begins dog-fighting with Corbin Dallas and Santa Claus in Their Snow Speeder. A slightly nervous Santa says: “Ho Ho Ho Corbin, I’m not used to being the co-pilot when we’re in these battles”. Corbin responds with “Hey Santa, I’m on it. Don’t worry, when it comes to flying I’m a very good boy”. They both chuckle at this absolutely hilarious remark (you know, just like all of you readers are right now). Corbin tries to get in behind Mara Jade, but despite having the less maneuverable vehicle, Mara’s piloting skills are superb. She doubles back and then releases 2 missiles which actually just barely nick the Snow Speeder. Corbin is able to crash land the damaged craft in the snow, so they can get out into the cold weather just in time (don’t worry, they’re dressed for it). Colossus tries to stand his ground as Juggernaut runs toward him with Daken close behind to back him up. Juggernaut knocks Colossus to the ground and then tramples over him, but Colossus gets right back up. Colossus picks up a huge random piece of steel, like he always manages to find and hits Juggernaut with it, but it does not seem to have that much effect on him. Daken attacks Colossus from behind, more as a distraction than anything else, so Juggernaut can once again run over Colossus, but this time he stomps on him with all of his might. This fierce attack effects Colossus so severely that it knocks him to the ground in a state of near unconsciousness which causes him to revert back to his human form. Once he is not protected by his organic metal covering Daken is able to use his claws to quickly finish him off. Amazo uses the powers of Juggernaut to easily mow over Venom and kill him, but Exitar grabs a hold of the Android and rips him apart with ease. Exitar then begins moving in toward The Slaves as if it is time for him to single-handedly end this battle when Neo pops out below him and simply raises his right hand into the air. Neo begins to shake uncontrollably but before he falls over from exhaustion, Exitar’s lifeless metal body causes a small tremor as it hits the ground with a thud of scrap metal. Martian Manhunter leads the Motley Crew of T-1000 & Loki into the water, to try and defeat the Sea Worm. Loki creates a large school of fish to distract the Sea Worm and to get it to open its massive mouth. T-1000 then jumps inside of the mouth of the worm and begins to line its stomach with liquid metal. Loki then casts some crazy spell while Martian Manhunter uses his eye beams to attack the worm from a distance. It is hard to tell which one of these attacks were the most successful, or if it was a combination of all 3, but either way the Sea Worm is killed in the process, unfortunately for the Slaves, T-1000 never resurfaced either. Darth Plaguis (hand chosen by George Washington for this job, after last week’s killing of Dave Bowman) is riding on top of Bronze Dragon #20, while he leads Jason Bourne, Connor McLeod, Dare the Terminator, & Duncan Idaho against The Myrmidons. While in the air Supergirl, Superboy, Sinestro, & The Sentry are looking for trouble. Supergirl, never asked for this role but after last week’s death of Darkseid, she is being looked at as the team’s unofficial field general. Superboy busts thru Jimmy Neutron & Inspector Gadget’s ship, killing Inspector Gadget. Neutron’s flying abilities are curtailed, but he does manage to glide to safety. The Sentry does battle with Super Soldier, high above the battlefield, while Supergirl flies in a little lower to attack Loki. Loki should have had an upper hand on Supergirl with all of his magical abilities, but it is hard to use magic when a Kryptonian is bashing in your skull. The Sentry and Super Soldier are wailing on each other with an amazing amount of ferocity when Super Soldier throws his shield at The Sentry. The Sentry dodges the throw and then with amazing speed rushes in and delivers an uppercut to the Superman/Capt. America mix that snaps his vertebrate in 2. Arisia catches Super Soldier’s shield with a large green hand created by her ring and then throws it at The Sentry once again. This time the green energy coated shield does hit The Sentry and send him for a loop. She then uses the power of her green lantern ring to push the shield into The Sentry, actually breaking into his durable skin. Arisia then unleashes the power of her ring into the battle wounded Sentry to finish him off. Arisia then hears another attacker flying up behind her, and without even looking turns and releases more concentrated green energy out of her ring then she ever has before. Arisia shoots with enough power to level just about anyone in the FFL, but unfortunately for her the man behind her was the one she couldn’t hurt. Sinestro, in his yellow suit, coated with yellow energy is unharmed by Arisia’s attacks. Sinestro then takes way to much pleasure, in being the first to take out a green lantern for good. Capt. Kirk is able to take out Plo Koon and Josh in their Snow Speeder, but much like Corbin and Santa Josh and his Jedi pal are able to crash land and get away with minimal injuries. Capt. Kirk is now on a roll as he does the same to Mara Jade. He blasts Mara’s F-22 out of the sky forcing her to parachute into the snow covered artic area of the planet. Once on the ground Mara Jade once again meets up with Corbin Dallas and Santa. Mara Jade force pushes Santa and then uses her blaster rifle to smoke Corbin Dallas like it ain’t no thing. Mara Jade then turns to Santa to light him up like a Christmas Tree as well, but she forgets that she is dealing with the expert. Santa ignites his green bladed lightsaber and stabs Mara Jade in the neck before she can get another shot off (WHAT? You mean you guys don’t remember from last year’s “What went on in the locker room" segment, that Santa was put on the Jedi Council. I mean come on that was a year ago, of course he has his own lightsaber by now). Capt. Kirk goes to engage his next victim but he is no match for Luke in The Y-Wing who blows up Kirk. Kirk is unable to eject out of the cheap Imperial designed ship. Supergirl, Superboy, & Sinestro fly over to take out The Slaves’ big man King Kong, but they are met in the air by Neo. Neo may be extremely worn out from his unusual take out of Exitar but the chosen one still manages to avenge his buddy Arisia and blast right thru Sinestro. Neo goes in for the kill against Superboy next, but before he can, Supergirl grabs a hold of the former member of TEAM and gladly rips off the head of the player who has caused her team so much grief over his 2 year career, which resulted in 2 Universe Bowl appearance (along with Trinity & King Kong). Cade Skywalker, in his mastery of both the light and dark sides of the force has no problem joining Darth Plaguis’ attack on The Myrmidons along with Jimmy Neutron. But on the Myrmidon side Plo Koon and Josh, in his black hospital scrub ninja gear show up to lend a hand to their fellow Horsemen. Martian Manhunter reminds Daken that he sucks by crushing his non-admantium skeleton with his bare hands, but Phoenix shows John Jonnz a new meaning of fire as she unleashes the Phoenix force on him to kill the Martian. Sunstorm lands on the ground and transforms into his robot form to do battle but he is instantly attacked. There is nothing common about the way that Jedi Master #1 & Ginaz Swordmaster #7 rush the much larger Decepticon. The Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster has fought many battle mechs similar to this in the past and new exactly where to hit the Decepticon to do the most possible damage. Jedi Master #1 then put the final touches in when he ran his lightsaber down the entire front of Sunstorm to destroy his spark. Wedge and Ackbar are being chased by Starscream and despite Wedge’s amazing piloting skills (and a little bit of luck), Starscream has still not managed to land any laser blasts on the ship that have gotten thru the ship’s shields. Wedge actually pulls a trick he was going to do when he originally stole The Shuttle Tyderium by beginning the landing cycle to fool Starscream. This actually works as Starscream begins to slow down to break into his robot form and finish them off on the ground. Wedge, while the wings are still being raised up on The Imperial Shuttle, switches all the power from the deflector shields and engines into the lasers so he can blast Starscream and stun him as much as possible. Wedge then quickly reverts back into fly mode, giving Adm. Ackbar just enough time to target Starscream with their proton torpedoes and finish him off. Wedge and Ackbar are feeling pretty good about themselves and their flying ability after taking out the top Decepticon Seeker, but they don’t realize how much trouble they are in until Luke Skywalker and R6-03 come flying in, in their Y-Wing. The Shuttle Tyderium is a much more armored and equipped ship than a little Y-Wing but Luke uses the ships maneuverability and the fact that it still is equipped with several advanced missiles to start doing quite a bit of harm to the last remaining ship in the Slave Squadron. There are very few pilots in the entire galaxy that can even compete with Wedge’s skills, and even less who could say that they are better; but even Wedge (and regrettably Ackbar) would probably admit that Luke Skywalker is one of them. Luke manages to single-handedly take out Shuttle Tyderium in such a speedy fashion, that Wedge and Ackbar barely have enough time to get to the escape pods. Luke is now flying the only ship left in the Universe Bowl, but that does not last long either, as Jimmy Neutron rigs up an Ion Cannon that is barely bigger than a sawed off Shot Gun that is powerful enough to take out Luke’s Y-Wing with little difficulty. Luke has no idea what is going on as he ejects, but poor R6 doesn’t have a chance. Supergirl and Superboy team up on King Kong and take him out pretty quick with a couple of building leveling punches to the neck. Jimmy Neutron pushes a couple of buttons on his Ion Cannon to switch the function but he must have been slippin, to not have known that Chris Artrip had his Niener, otherwise he would have known that he was straight trippin. Fizz then tatters Jimmy’s T-shirt before he caps Neutron in his oversized dome. The remaining 34 combatants (yes it is 17 each) are now packed ridiculously close together on the grassy area of the Play-Off Planet (it is the only area you can go that isn’t totally covered with blood and oil). Luke and Plo Koon ignite their lightsabers and take out both Ginaz Swordsmen #7 & Duncan Idaho with little difficulty. …………..Hey everybody do you remember The Amalgam Universe when they combined Deathstroke and Daredevil and made that dude named Death Devil………….. No, you don’t. Nobody does because it didn’t happen, instead they made a chick named Dare the Terminator who later got killed in The Universe Bowl by A Wakisachi wielding Josh Houslander in Black Hospital Scrubs (recognize). You know, right before Yoda rushed at him and had Yoshi swallow Josh whole. Which prompted Plo Koon to force push Yoshi out from underneath Yoda (he knew he couldn’t force push Yoda). Chris and Julie then rushed Yoshi to avenge Josh, but on the way Santa pulls out a Glock 36 from his sack and yells “Hey Fizz! This was gonna be your Christmas present. “How about I give it to you early”. Santa then unloads all 7 rounds of it into Chris. Heston doesn’t mean to step on his fellow Myrmidon’s toes by avenging her husband for her, but Heston pulls out his Colt .45 and puts a bullet in Santa’s forehead. Charlton, in a very unHeston-like moment then grabs his crotch and yells “That was for Z, you Fat B**&^**d”. Julie is now officially pissed at seeing the death of her husband and brother within minutes of each other which is why she picks up Chris’ sawed off shot gun and opts to not pull the trigger, but to beat Yoshi over the head with it repeatedly. I am pretty sure that by the time she cocked it and unloaded the bullets into Yoshi that he was already dead, but I guess it is better to be safe than sorry. Optimus Prime steps on Julie on the way to his real battle with Juggernaut. They say that Juggernaut cannot be stopped but to me it looked like Optimus Prime was the one that didn’t stop when they hit head on and the Autobot leader kept going. The other thing that made me think this was untrue was that after the collision Juggernaut was dead. Taskmaster is able to duplicate every move that Jason Bourne does to him which begins to become frustrating for Bourne. Bourne would have maybe been able to keep up with Taskmaster’s abilities to instantly take over an opponent’s fighting style, but in the end it was Taskmaster’s superior hand to hand weaponry that did Bourne in, as Taskmaster used his long sword to stab into Bourne’s heart. Shaak Ti quickly avenges her fellow N.L. Final survivor by taking off Taskmaster’s head, while Ki Adi Mundi is right behind her. Jedi Master #1 joins the fight against the Myrmidons but Deathstroke is able to put him away with his ninja sword. Heston is back to his old self again as he sees Wedge and Ackbar trying to shoot Saeese Tiin. Master Tiin is able to deflect the shots with his lightsaber, but before matters get worse Heston takes them both out with his 1911 .45 ACP. Connor McLeod attacks Heston, just assuming that he is an immortal like him. Heston does not have any melee weapons on him but he picks up Josh’s Wakisachi. Heston fights well against Connor, but this style of fighting is not his expertise. Connor McLeod is able to kill Heston by removing his head with his katana. Sabertooth jumps in quickly to avenge his favorite Myrmidon by using his razor sharp claws to cut off McLeod’s head. Luke jumps onto the back of Bronze Dragon #20 and begins lightsaber dueling with Darth Plaguis. Luke is able to kill Lord Plaguis with a quick thrust to his chest and then he pulls the lightsaber out of Plaguis and in one swift motion drives it into the back of The Bronze Dragon’s neck. Ki Adi Mundi & Shaak Ti rush in alongside one another, like they have done so many times in the past. Ki Adi takes out both Deathstroke & Sabertooth as if they were no better fighters than your average battle droid, but Deadly Little Miho comes in with such speed that even Master Mundi’s Jedi reflexes are not fast enough to block the swing of her sword. Achilles rushes in to take out Shaak Ti to finish the duo off. Cade Skywalker squares off against both Saeese Tiin and Plo Koon. The 2 Jedi Masters are confident that if they work together they can take out this mysterious force wielder but they soon find out that they are wrong as Cade Skywalker moves with incredible swiftness to take out them both. Cade Begins to move towards Achilles but before he can Superboy lands on Cade driving him deep into the ground with his feet to kill the force warrior. Luke stands up to lead the charge when Optimus looks over at Yoda and says: “I may not be able to light our darkest hour with the matrix after last week, but we can still make this happen”. Optimus then transforms into his truck form and crashes head on into Luke. The powerful Jedi was about to put up a force barrier but was taken off guard and killed by the Autobot. Optimus then transforms in mid-air and targets Achilles while still in the sky to take out both of The Horsemen’s #1 draft picks within a matter of seconds. It is actually Havok, who puts a stop to Prime’s amazing show by blasting the Transformer with the full force of his plasma blasts. Phoenix begins to unleash the Phoenix force to help out Havok, but Yoda quells the power of the Phoenix before it is released with his force powers, and then finishes off Rachel Summers in her weakened state, but can’t save Prime from Havok in time. Yoda force leaps into the air and lands on Superboy’s back. Superboy struggles to get the little Jedi Master off of him, but it is no use. Yoda is able to relax a spot of Superboy’s temple thru the force and then quickly slide his lightsaber in as if he were just a normal person. Yoda lands on the ground ready to fight, but once he lands he sees something rather strange. He sees Havok shooting his own teammate Supergirl with his plasma blasts. It is not until a couple seconds later that Yoda realizes that Havok’s sun-like powers are actually strengthening the Kryptonian. Yoda stands at the ready with his lightsaber drawn, as the fueled up Supergirl rushes at him. Miho runs behind Supergirl to back her up, with Havok at the ready as well; but they are not needed as Supergirl keeps Yoda’s lightsaber busy with her Heat Vision and then finishes the Jedi Master off with a double handed fist to the top of his head.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Week 3 Consolation Matches Match #7: The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Le' Napoleon's Brigade

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is Bill Kelley.

Le’ Napoleon’s Brigade is Ron Meyer.

Disclaimer: I think this is F’n bulls#*!. It’s the end of June and I’m teleported back to the middle of February to watch a Consolation Match. Granted as a Watcher, I do not feel the cold or the warmth of the sun, but still, February sucks.

As Bill Kelley pulls up to Mike Sroka’s house, he notices that Ron Meyer is hacking away at the foundation of the house’s porch with a pickaxe and has made a nice sized hole in it. “What do you think you are doing? The battle is to be fought over here in the ditch,” exclaims Bill. “Oh I know, I’m just preparing your final resting place for you, since I’m am going to kill you in a matter of moments,” replies Ron. He then charges towards Bill, who is fully equipped with his tool belt and swings the pickaxe right towards Bill’s head, but misses. Bill then hits Ron right between the shoulder blades with his hammer, sending Ron to his knees in the icy ditch. He then reaches into his tool belt, pulls out his straight blade and slices both of Ron’s Achilles tendons. Ron lets out a horrendous scream, only to be quickly silenced by a swift kick to the head by Bill. Ron Meyer crumples over onto his back in the cold icy ditch as Bill stands above him. Bill stomps on Ron’s throat, crushing his trachea. Blood spurts out from Ron’s mouth. Bill the calmly walks over to his truck and pulls out a tear-off tool. He then proceeds to violently bash Ron Meyer’s head in with it, until there is little left but brain matter, dirt and ice chunks. Bill drags Ron Meyer’s body over to the porch and shoves it into the hold that Ron had made earlier. “Al Dogg sends his regards,” Bill says as he lights a victory cigarette.

THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS!

Week 3 Consolation Matches Match #6: The Syracuse Valley vs. The Untouchables

The Syracuse Valley is Rob Bartlett

The Untouchables are Big Bird.

Before the match starts Rob has a brilliant idea. He talks to Big Bird about it and after several minutes of convincing, Big Bird agreed to go along with it. The thing that Rob had come up with was having this be a best two out of three bout. He had seen Josh and Mike play enough fighting games to know that the fairest way to settle a fight was in a best two out of three match.

Both Rob and Big Bird walked down into the muddy ditch and got ready for the fight. Rob had grabbed a wrench out of his dad’s garage, which angered Big Bird a great deal.

“ What the hell Rob, you get a weapon?” Big Bird said to the arrogant 19-year old.

“ It’s called home field advantage Big B@&^%. Why don’t you try and come and grab it from me.” Just then the ice below Big Bird started to crack. Big Bird then realized that he was too heavy to be on this ice and quickly moved towards Rob. Rob was in a good position to hit the bird in the gut, but instead of hitting him the bird tripped and fell on top of him. Rob tried to get out from under the bird but was unable to break free.

The bird at first thought about how he was going to get up. That was until he realized that as long as he was on top of Rob, Rob was going to be stuck in this freezing cold water. Rob tried for a good half hour to break free from his very large opponent, but was never able to. Rob then with his last breath before he died said, “ Well at least I still have another round to get you back with”.

Big Bird then looked at Rob and said, “ You sure about that?” Rob then thought to himself about the Bird’s last remark and began to realize that his idea, though fair, was probably not going to happen.

The Bird waited another twenty minutes before getting up out of the ditch. Even then though, he decided to go back into the ditch and break the 19-year olds neck just for good measure.

Mike, who had watched all of these matches from the comfort of his home, got out of the house for this one. Mike saw the Bird break his neighbors neck and decided to confront him about this.

“ What the hell did you do that for?” Mike asked the large yellow-feathered creature.

“ Well, I figured that I would kill him twice just in case his stupid Mortal Kombat idea of two out of three came true.”

“ Even if that were the case, you can’t kill someone twice. You would have still had to kill him again even if you would have been given another chance.”
Big Bird then looked once more at the dead body lying in the ditch and said, “ Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter now regardless of what happened. Why are you out here right now anyways?”

“ Oh I don’t know, maybe because you just killed my next door neighbor in my ditch. Seriously dude, this entire day has been pretty awful. Then to end the day, you have to go and kill Rob. I just was hoping it would have ended differently. Well, at least it’s over with” Mike said to the Big Bird.

“ Well, I’m done Mike, but your not.”

“ What do you mean? I thought this was the last match.” Mike said with a look of worry on his face.

“ Well, I guess you will have to wait and see like the rest of us. Anyways, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

“ What do you mean, who else is coming here?” A panicking Mike said.

Big Bird started to walk away, but as he walked away he left Mike with this. “ I won’t tell you who’s coming, but you may want to start getting used to watching people you work with die”.

Mike looked at the back of Big Bird with a feeling of horror and thought to himself that he should have listened to the warning that his buddy Tim had given him. He also thought to himself that he could never watch Sesame Street in the same light ever again.

The Untouchables are Victorious!

Week 3 Consolation Matches Match #5: Built Ford Tough vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

Built Ford Tough is Harrison Ford

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are Ron Popeil and Aunt May

Ron Popeil knew how cold it was going to be during this match. He also knew that he was going to be with an elderly woman. In preparation for the match he thought about creating a suit of some sort to keep her warm. In thinking about how much time a suit like this would take to create, he instead just decided to hit up Burlington Coat Factory and get her a really warm jacket. Ron naturally had a few tricks up his sleeve for this match. By tricks up his sleeve I mean he brought a blowtorch with him.

Harrison Ford on the other hand lives in Montana. He is used to the tough winters, so this match will be nothing for him. As Harrison enters the ditch he is disappointed to find out it is more or less a swimming pool of the nastiest s#%@ you have ever seen.

“ What the hell did you do to this thing Ron? Harrison says to the crazy inventor.

“ I decided to use my blow torch on the ditch and melt all of the snow and ice. I’m beginning to think it was a bad idea though.”

“ Yeah, you think. How the hell are we going to fight in this? I mean, look at Aunt May. She looks like she is dying of hypothermia.”

Ron looks back at Aunt May and says, “ Yeah, I think she is already dead, so it’s not really that big of a deal anymore.”

“ I am not dead Ron, I’m just really cold” Aunt May says to Mr. Popeil.

“ Oh, I sorry Aunt May. I just assumed you were dead.”

“ Why, I survived the last match with you. Plus, I wouldn’t be doing that bad if it weren’t for your stupid flamethrower. This jacket you bought me was doing its job until you had to go and try to “fix” the situation.” Aunt May says this to Ron in an almost scolding type of manner.

“ Just wait a second, I am going to test out my world dehydrator.”

“ Your what? Do not turn that thing on. You are going to kill us all” Harrison says to the inventor.

“ Don’t worry about it Harry. O.k., just wait one second while it warm’s up.” Ron is getting his machine ready when Harrison decides to take matters into his own hands. Harrison takes out his Indiana Jones whip, which he naturally always has on his side and knocks over the machine. This angers the inventor to the point in which he actually begins to run over to the aging movie star.

Meanwhile, the machine that Ron was trying to turn on falls into the water. Harrison gets ready for his encounter with the inventor when all of sudden the water in the ditch starts to go down. They both stand there and watch as Ron’s world dehydrator soaks up all of the water in the ditch.

“ See Harry, I told you it would work just fine.”

“ Don’t call me Harry.” Harrison says to Ron Popeil.

They are both still staring at the now dry ground when Harrison notices that Ron and Aunt May’s noses are bleeding. He then touches his own nose and notices the same thing is happening to him. He looks one more at the machine on the ground and knocks Ron right on top of it.

“ What the hell did you do that for?” Popeil says to Ford.

“ Your machine is sucking up all of the moisture in the area pal. If you don’t turn it off soon it is going to suck up all of the moisture in our bodies.” (A bit of a stretch I know)

“ Well, I didn’t really have time to develop an off switch. I guess I could just bash it with a stick until it dies” Ron says to both Harrison and Aunt May.

“ Well that’s sort of funny, because I was just thinking of doing the same to you”.

“ You wouldn’t Mr. Ford” Aunt May said.

“ No Aunt May, I really would.” Harrison Ford then proceeded to beat Ron Popeil with a large stick until he was lying on the ground. He did eventually stop hitting him with a stick and instead got down to the ground and snapped the inventor’s neck. Harrison then got back up and walked towards Aunt May, who was now choking due to the lack of moisture in the air.

“ It’s up to you Aunt May, how do you want to die? I can just wait for this machine to kill you or I can do you myself.”

“ How about we wait it out and see who dies first, I think that’s a fair enough way to figure this out.” Aunt May says this hoping Harrison will go for it.

“ Well, we could do that I suppose. Though I think I’d rather do this instead.” Harrison then knocks the old woman to the ground and strangles her to death with his whip. After the old woman has gasped her last breathe, Harrison puts his whip back on his side. He then climbs out of the ditch and tries to get as far away from the dehydration machine as possible. He then looks down at his whip and says to himself, “ George is right, I really am Indiana Jones.”

Built Ford Tough is Victorious!

Week 3 Consolation Matches Match #4: Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyaatches vs. The Right Wing

Beckerman’s Backyardigan’s Beeyaatches are Belle & Pablo.

The Right Wing is Nick Houslander

It is a cold and blustery February day as both teams reluctantly take to the slushy ditch in front of Michael Sroka’s house.

“ This is f#@*ing bulls@#* Belle, I could be back at the base hanging in the sandbox, but instead I have to be here. I know I’m a penguin and all, but this cold weather can suck my c#%&!” A very animated (get it) Pablo says to Belle.

“ I understand that Pablo, but we still have to at least try to win this match for Lord Vader. He told us that the force would guide us to victory” Belle says, trying to calm the blue penguin down.

“ Oh screw Lord Vader. Plus, that ancient religion of his hasn’t brought us out of the first round of the playoffs yet, so don’t tell me about how the force will guide us to victory.” Pablo finishes his second rant when he sees someone coming towards them. That someone is Nick Houslander, with shotgun in tow. Nick takes a step down into the muck and begins to load his weapon.

Pablo looks over at Belle and says, “ What the f*#$, he gets a weapon? Hey Belle flash him some skin and distract him while I try and gnaw off his legs.”

Belle looks at Pablo with a look of disgust. “ First off, I would never degrade myself by exposing my body to someone for any sort of advantage. Second, it’s like 15 degrees out. We shall figure something else out.”

“ Oh right, you’ll bang a seven foot tall beast but you won’t flash someone to win a match.” Pablo then looks back at Nick and says, “ Hey Nick you gun toting faggot, why don’t you get rid of the gun and fight me like a man?”

Nick then looks back at Pablo, cocks his gun and says, “ Because then I couldn’t do this”. Nick then unloads a shotgun shell directly in the face of Pablo, sending brain matter all over the dress of Belle.

Belle stands there with a look of shock on her face. “ Mr. Houslander, I am appalled by your actions. I am deeply disappointed in your actions. I thought you were a better person then that.”

“ I don’t know why you thought that” Nick says to the beautiful Disney character.

“ Killing a blue penguin is one thing, I still don’t think you have it in you to shoot a lady” Belle says with hope in her voice.

Nick looks back at Belle and says,“ Shoot a woman, I don’t think I could do that. Beat a woman, well that’s something I’ve been waiting my entire life for. Plus, I know I can make it out in this mud pit longer than you.”

“ What makes you so certain about this?”

“ You weren’t there for the winter of 99’, after that this is nothing.” Nick then walks over to Belle and hits her in the gut with a right hook and kicks out her feet from under her. Belle, who is now soaking wet in gross icy muck, tries to get up but Nick stands on her back and holds her head down into the shallow water. Belle kicks and gasps for air but after a couple of minutes she stops fighting. Nick waits another ten minutes or so, just for good measure. He doesn’t want this dumb b*#%$ to pull a fast one on him.

Nick then gets out of the ditch and looks back at what he has done. He at first begins to feel bad about what he has done, but then he remembers, what’s the point of feeling bad about something that made him feel so good. Nick continues walking up to the house with grin on his face, knowing that he ended his team’s season on a high note. Well, not morally speaking, but you know what I mean.

The Right Wing is Victorious!

Week 3 Consolation Matches Match #3: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is Justin “ The Golden Boy” Oblak.

Team Sleeping Pussy is “ Stormin” Norman Rockwell.

Justin takes his first step into the mucky mess of the ditch and looks angry as his feet are instantly soaked. Norman Rockwell looks at the ditch and makes no attempt to walk into it.

“ Come on pussy, scarred of a little water” Justin says.

“ F you Justin, you know this week is garbage. Why are we fighting in the dead of winter when it is so nice outside”?

“ Yeah whatever Norm, why don’t you just sit in your little gay corner and paint a picture about it.” Justin says laughing.

“ I would have, but I was too busy drawing a picture of you biting a pillow while Brandon Inge had his way with you. You know, your usual Thursday night.” Rockwell says to the now angry Justin.

“ Oh that’s it Crockwell, your dead.” Justin gets out of the ditch and tackles the painter to the ground. The two wrestle on the sidewalk in front of the ditch for a while, but soon enough, Justin has gained the advantage and is dragging his opponent into the ditch. As the two combatants finally enter the muddy ditch, Norm manages to gain the upper hand on Oblak and takes him down to the ground.

The two men are now soaking wet in nasty ass muddy water.

“ How do you like it in the gutter Norm”

“ I love it you arrogant little faggot. Now learn to respect your elders” as he says this Norman picks up a huge stick that he broke out of the ice and bashes it over the head of the Golden Boy. Justin, who is now bleeding falls back into the muddy ditch. He lies there for mere seconds before he notices a large rock under the ice. He tries to break the ice from around the rock but before he is able to do so, he sees Norman coming at him once more with the stick.

Justin quickly sweeps Norm’s legs out from under him, dropping the painter to the ground. He then kicks Rockwell directly in the face. Justin then continues his attempt to get the rock out of the ice. He does manage to get a bit of the ice out from around the rock but is unable to get it completely loose.

Justin then feels a terrible pain on the back his head and falls to the icy ground. As he is staring into the icy muck he notices that the icy water around where he is lying is now turning a bright red. He first thinks to himself that he can’t believe that his opponent has brought his paint with him. He thinks this for only a second though, as Norman’s next move puts an end to the Golden Boy’s streak as the painter shove’s his stick through the back of Justin’s neck. As Justin lies there dead in a pool of his own icy blood, Norman Rockwell thinks to himself that he could get used to this fighting.

Norman stares at the bloody scene and knows what his next portrait will be. “ I’m sure Brandon would love this one, maybe they’ll even hang it up in the locker room” Rockwell says this to himself and laugh’s as he walks in toward the house.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Victorious!

Week 3 Consolation Match #2: The Abomitrons vs. Better Than All of You

The Abomitrons are Joe Levine

Better Than All of You is Cobra Viper #1 & Dozer #4.

The second the match starts, Dozer #4 drowns. Cobra Viper #1 should have been more careful as the water was taller than his teammate. Joe sees this and just laugh’s.

“ You guys are still dumber than a box of unsharpened pencils,” Joe says as the Viper looks back at him with a look of total bewilderment.

“ Yeah, you guys never change” as Joe starts to talk the Viper pulls out his gun and starts to shoot at him. Joe quickly gets behind the tree next to the ditch, not that he really needed to find cover, as the Vipers aim is hysterically bad. Joe waits for a couple of minutes before he starts to launch snowballs at the Vipers face. This seems comical at first, but what the Viper didn’t realize is that there were large rocks in the middle of these balls.

The first couple balls miss the Viper, but the forth one hit the Viper directly in the face, making him wobble back a bit. Joe uses this momentary lapse in concentration to his advantage as he jumps past the tree and knocks the gun out of his hand. The Viper hits Joe in the face and knocks him to the ground. Unfortunately for the Viper though, he knocks Joe right next to the gun.

Joe then grabs the gun and shoots the Viper’s knees out. The Viper falls to the ground and begins to cry.

“ Oh my god, are you crying? This is so pathetic dude. You know what, I’m not going kill you with the gun.”

The Viper looks at Joe and says, “ Really?”

Joe looks at the Viper and says, “ No”. Joe shoots the Viper in the head about fifty times just to make sure. He laugh’s the entire time he is shooting him as well, which is actually pretty funny until you realize what he is doing. I mean, it’s still funny, but also just a bit sad. Anyways, Joe throws the gun down into the muddy water and walks on up to the house, hoping that Mike has a beer waiting for him inside.

The Abomitrons are Victorious!

Week 3 Consolation Match #1: Alice's Wonder Team vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Alice’s Wonder Team is Goblin #3

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad is Al Gibson

Al Gibson is used to the harsh winters Washington D.C has to offer, but he is not up to the task today.

“ It’s f@#%ing cold out here man, my nuts are like a couple of ice cubes.” Gibson says to Goblin #3.

“ I know Gibby, this s#$% is not brolic. When I heard we were going to be fighting in the middle of winter I didn’t think it was going to be like this,” the Goblin says.

“ Then what did you think it was going to be like?”

“ I don’t know, I guess I didn’t really think about it too much.”

Gibson looks at the Goblin and says, “ Obviously you didn’t think about it. It’s the winter, what else did you think it was going to be like?”

“ Well, I guess I thought it was going to be a little different than this.”

“ You do know what winter means right?” Al says.

“ Yes, of course I do” the Goblin says.

“ Really, because I honestly don’t think you do. If you did know what winter meant, than you would probably not be surprised by what you saw today.”

“ Whatever Al, kiss my a$$.”

“ You brought it up bro.”

The two of them exchange words for another couple of minutes before Goblin # 3 brings out his spear and shows it to Gibson. Gibson takes this as the beginning of the match and grabs a stick that is lying next to the ditch.

“ You can’t win this match Al. I am used to living in the scum pit of the world. These conditions mean nothing to me.”

“ Oh now you don’t care that it is cold and nasty out.”

“ That’s not what I meant by that,” the Goblin says.

“ Than what did you mean by it?”

“ What I meant is that I was brought up in filth and you are used to your clean federal lifestyle.”

Al looks offended by the Goblin’s remarks. “ Clean, you call what I do clean? I am usually chasing the scum of the universe around so don’t talk to me about clean. If anyone is used to being out in this s@%#, it’s me.”

“ Yeah O.k., whatever Al. I live out in this, not just occasionally running outside chasing people around in it. Plus, D.C is nice for half of the year.”

“ O.k., first off, D.C is never a nice place. Second, just because I don’t live out in this s#$^ like and animal doesn’t make me any less qualified to be out in it.” Gibson says this and the Goblin throws his spear through his stomach. The hit naturally drops Gibson to the ground as blood begins to flow out from the wound.

“ Who’s used to the conditions now Gibson.” Goblin says this to Gibson as he lies on the ground in pain. He sees that Al is trying to reach for something behind him and the Goblin responds to this and says, “ What are you going to do Al, throw that stick at me?”

Al Gibson then grabs the item that he was reaching for and says, “ Actually, I was thinking of shooting you with this gun, if that’s all right with you of course.” Gibson then unloads the entire clip into the chest of the Goblin, sending him flying back into the muddy mess. Gibson just sits back in the icy mess and laughs, as he knows that despite the fact that he is going to die, today, victory was his to enjoy.

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad is Victorious!

Pages

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

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