Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos vs. Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies

“WATERWORLD is the environmentalist most popular apocalyptic view of the future.”
-Steve Rhodes

I look at the teams to do battle in Waterworld during this Week 5 Match. They are as follows:

The Commandos: Dave Bowman- The Starchild, Numnius, Dex-Starr, Karu-sil, Fatality, Taa, Rodimus Prime, Mary Marvel, Black Adam, Parallax, Vorian Atreides in a MiG, Capt. Steven Hiller in a MiG, Lazarus Long in a MiG, Lyra and Pantalamon in the Intention Craft, Buffy, Angel, Willow and Dumbledore in a Swift Boat, Zombie Cloverfield Monster, Zombie Darkseid, Red Dragons #1-6, Black Dragon #15, Harry Potter, Yurich Byrninson, Dr. Fate, Seraffina Pekkala and her Daemon, Gungans #1-12, and in a Sub-marine is Dr. Doom, Ginny Weasely and The Colonial Marines: Sgt. Apone, Corporal Hicks, Lt. Gorman, Bishop 341-BL, Corporal Dietrich, PFC Hudson, PFC Spunkmeyer, PFC Vasquez, Pvt. Drake, Pvt. Frost, Pvt. Wierzbowski, Corporal Ferro and Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley.

The Murderflies are: The Maxx and Julie Winters, Doc Brown, Lorne Michaels, Speedy Gonzalez, Brak, Dobby, Brain Damaged Beowulf, Sarah Palin, Jay and Silent Bob with Suzanne, Forge, Bob-Agent of Hydra, Agent X, Hellboy, Etrigan the Demon, Lobo, Guy Gardner and G’Nort, Booster Gold, Kyle Rayner OL, Ted Nugent, Greedo, Dorf, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, Batgirl (babs), The Planeteers: Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, Ma-Ti, and Suchi the monkey; The Power Rangers: Jason, Zack, Billy, Trini and Kimberly, Mecha Godzilla, Caramon and Raistlin Majere, The Powerpuff Girls-Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, The Technobots-Scattershot, Lightspeed, Strafe, Nosecone, Afterburner (Computron), Ron Popeil, Shazam, Starro, Grimlock, King Leonidas, Dark Claw, The Wu-Tang Clan, Lobo the Duck, Capt. Caveman, Moon Knight, Great Lakes Avengers-Mr Immortal, Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha, Flatman, Quick Draw McGraw, The Blair Witch, Squirrels #1-15, Dynomutt the Dog Wonder, Ernie Harwell, Denver the Last Dinosaur.

Let the Battle begin. . .

The Murderflies stand on the water city’s platform. To spurn their teammates on, the Wu-Tang Clan gives a “shout out” war cry:

The game of chess, is like a swordfight,You must think first, before you move;Toad style is immensely strong, and immune to nearly any weapon,When it's properly used, it's almost invincible!

The Murderflies are revved up at the Clan’s war cry and intensely await the Commandos.

As the Commandos prepare to commence their attack, before the match truly begins, Dave Bowman- The Starchild looks over at Numnius.

Bowman: I just don’t like the way you look today.

A bewildered Numnius cannot react in time. Bowman unleashes his full cosmic fury upon Numnius and, once again, destroys his own teammate. Bowman floats over the water and watches the match unfold. [Note to owner: If the Commandos are going to succeed in the playoffs this year, the ownership is going to have to settle the continuing differences between these two characters.]

The MiGs fly together as a squadron over the floating city. Vorian Atreides, Captain Steve Hiller, and Lazarus Long are at the controls of the jets. The three focus on the most heinous characters on the Murderflies team- Squirrels #1-15. The Squirrels sense their upcoming destruction and begin to scatter. They are not quick enough, as the MiGs unleash their air-to-surface missiles upon the bushy tailed rodents. Squirrels #1-15 are incinerated. Squirrel Girl is heard to let out an agonizing moan, sensing their deaths. In response to the Squirrels’ annihilation, the Murderflies attack the MiGs. Dynomutt the Dog Wonder becomes a robot projectile and crashes through the MiG flown by Atreides. The MiG and Vorian Atreides are blown to smithereens. The MiG flown by Steve Hiller is attacked by Hawkman and Hawkgirl. Hawkman uses his mace to crush the MiG’s canopy while Hawkgirl uses her spear to pin Steve Hiller to the seat. The MiG crashes in the waters below, with a dead Hiller impaled to his seat. Lazarus Long’s MiG is met by the Powerpuff Girls. Their combined powers force the MiG into the waters below and both it and its rider, Lazarus Long, explode on impact.

The submarine of the Commandos carries Dr. Doom, Ginny Weasely and The Colonial Marines: Sgt. Apone, Corporal Hicks, Lt. Gorman, Bishop 341-BL, Corporal Dietrich, PFC Hudson, PFC Spunkmeyer, PFC Vasquez, Pvt. Drake, Pvt. Frost, Pvt. Wierzbowski, Corporal Ferro and Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley. The submarine rises and docks at the floating city. Before the Colonial Marines storm the site, Sgt. Apone can be heard addressing his Marines.

Apone: All right, sweethearts, you're a team and there's nothin' to worry about. We come here, and we gonna conquer, and we gonna kick some, is that understood? That's what we gonna do, sweethearts, we are going to go and get some. All right, people, on the ready line!

The Marines erupt from the submarine. They are met by Quick Draw McGraw, Bob-Agent of Hydra, Denver the Last Dinosaur and Speedy Gonzalez. Although McGraw is a superior marksman, he is no match for the combined firepower of the Marines. McGraw goes down in a blaze of glory. Bob-Agent of Hydra accidentally loses control of his bladder. As he begins to run away, he trips over his urine soaked pants and is shot dead by PFC Vasquez and Pvt. Drake. Meanwhile, PFC Hudson and Pvt. Frost riddle Denver the Last Dinosaur’s body with hundreds of bullets. Speedy Gonzalez races away and the Marines follow him. As the Marines round the corner of the building which the mouse ran, they see Sarah Palin standing in front of Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne and Lorne Michaels. Palin looks to her comrades.

Palin: Only dead fish go with the flow!!!

With her creative (and true-life) comment, Palin leads the charge of her teammates at the Marines. They are shredded by the Marines’ weapons. Sgt. Apone notices Speedy around another corner. The mouse smiles and rushes away. As the Marines turn the corner, they are met by Hellboy, Etrigan the Demon, Agent X, Julie Winter, the Maxx, Lobo and Lobo the Duck. Although Julie Winters is killed, an onslaught ensues as the Murderflies rip through Sgt. Apone, Lt. Gorman, Corporal Dietrich, PFC Spunkmeyer, Pvt. Frost, Pvt. Wierzbowski and Corporal Ferro. The remaining Marines skirt away and hole up behind a large tower; Corporal Hicks, Bishop 341-BL, PFC Hudson, PFC Vasquez, Pvt. Drake and Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley survive.

Hudson: That's it man, game over man, game over! What the f&@k are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?

Ripley: Stow it Hudson, we need to think!

Before they can think, Pvt. Drake’s head explodes as a precisely aimed bullet by Agent X hits him. Bishop 341-BL is grabbed by Lobo, The Maxx and Lobo the Duck, who rip him apart.

Hudson: Oh dear Lord Jesus, this ain't happening, man... This can't be happening, man! This isn't happening!

The remaining marines focus on the remaining Murderflies. At the end of the melee, all of the Marines, being Corporal Hicks, PFC Hudson, PFC Vasquez and Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley are killed. For the Murderflies, Lobo the Duck and Agent X are killed.

Across the flotilla, Captain Caveman flies at the Zombie Cloverfield Monster.

Captain Caveman: Captain Caaaaaavvveeeemaaaaan!!!!

Zombie Cloverfield Monster crushes Captain Caveman in its maw and bats the caveman’s body across the sky.

One can hear Harwell across the way: That one is looonnnggg gone!

Zombie Cloverfield Monster is then met by Mecha Godzilla. The two behemoths battle one another. Mecha Godzilla rips Cloverfield Monster’s arms off and crushes its skull. Zombie Cloverfield Monster’s body drifts away. Red Dragons #1-6 with Black Dragon #15 fly to Mecha Godzilla. Mecha Godzilla is damaged by the Black Dragon’s acid breath, but still manages to kill Red Dragons #2, 4-6. Black Dragon #15 and Red Dragons #1 and 3 re-group and come at Mecha Godzilla again. Before they reach Mecha Godzilla, Computron comes over and destroys the remaining Dragons- Black #15 and Red #1 and 3.

Buffy, Angel, Willow and Dumbledore in a Swift Boat crash into the flotilla and are met by Harry Potter. Angel pushes Buffy away as an arrow strikes through his heart. The arrow was shot by ace-archer Ted Nugent. Angel saves his true love, but he has paid the ultimate price. Willow places a holding spell on Nugent so that the Motor City Madman cannot move. Buffy walks up to him and shoves the same arrow through his eye; Ted Nugent dies. Ginny Weasely has run from the docked submarine to join Harry Potter, in his battle. The Blair Witch has moved to the fray. The combined skill of Willow, Dumbledore, Ginny Weasely and Harry Potter dispel the Blair Witch. As Ginny smiles at Harry, Dobby and Brak rush from behind crates that are stacked nearby. The duo reaches Ginny and snaps her neck. Harry Potter and Dumbledore respond by frying them where they stand.

Lyra and Pantalamon are flying above the waters in the Intention Craft. Its advanced weaponry focus on The Powerpuff Girls-Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup and Dynomutt the Dog Wonder, who has joined the super-powered five year olds. Although the Powerpuff Girls and Dynomutt were victorious in their battle with the MiGs, they are no so lucky against the Intention Craft. The craft destroys them and their charred bodies hit the water with loud splashes.

The teams from the Murderflies decide to come together. The Planeteers: Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, Ma-Ti and Suchi the monkey and Power Rangers: Jason, Zack, Billy, Trini and Kimberly face off against Zombie Darkseid, Black Adam and Dr. Fate. The battle is short lived as the Commandoes rip through the faux-powered heroes.

Seeing the carnage around them, the Wu-Tang Clan decides to rev up their team again with a song. Ernie Harwell, Ron Popeil and Dorf stand near the Clan and anticipate the song’s verses and the impact on their team.

Wu-Tang Killa Beez, we on a swarm!Wu-Tang Killa Beez, we on a swarm!Wu-Tang Killa Beez, we on a swarm!Wu-Tang Killa Beez, we on a swarm!

Harwell, Popeil and Dorf look at one another- somewhat disappointed at the verses so far. Before the Clan can commence with their next song, they see Dr. Doom approach.

Dr. Doom (in an uncharacteristic poetic-versed song):

Method Man, U-God and RZA,
Here comes Doom and it’s time to play;
GZA, Raekwon and Masta Killa,
Your bodies gonna be crisp and your guts are gonna spilla;
Ghostface Killah, ODB and Inspectah Deck
I’m gonna rip your heads right off your neck!

Dr. Doom smiles underneath his helmet and fries the rap group. Dorf, Popeil and Harwell close their eyes and anticipate their fate. The last thoughts of Dorf are of his winning putt on the 18th hole of the Masters. The last thoughts of Popeil are of his perfect rotisserie ham last Easter. The last thoughts of Harwell are of his winning call for the Detroit Tigers in the ’68 World Series. They are fried along with their rapping brethren.

Gungans #1-12 jump on the barge and are met by Moon Knight, Doc Brown, Greedo and the Great Lakes Avengers-Mr Immortal, Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha and Flatman. After the somewhat minor skirmish transpires, all Gungans #1-12 are dead, as are Doc Brown, Greedo, Squirrel Girl and Big Bertha.

In the air, the Lanterns of the Commandos- Dex-Starr, Karu-sil, Fatality and Taa come together. They face Guy Gardner and G’Nort, along with Kyle Rayner OL. The brilliance of projectiles and constructs creates a rainbow colored effect in the sky. Karu-Sil and Fatality manage to kill G’Nort. Kyle Rayner OL manages to kill Taa. Guy Gardner is pounced upon by Dex-Starr. The alien cat rips the Green Lantern’ face. As Gardner tries to clear the blood drifting into his eyes, he is killed by Karu-Sil and Fatality. In response, Kyle Rayner OL destroys Dex-Starr. Karu-sil and Fatality are joined by Black Adam, Parallax and Mary Marvel. Booster Gold, Shazam, Hawkman and Hawkgirl join Kyle Rayner OL. After a pitched battle, Karu-sil, Booster Gold, Hawkgirl and Fatality are dead. The remaining participants fly off to re-group.

Caramon and Rastlin Majere meet Seraffina Pekkala and her Daemon. The snow goose daemon rushes at Caramon Majere. The Dragonlance warrior slices the goose in half. The Witch Queen Pekkala lashes out in vengeance and kills Caramon. Raistlin, in response to his brother’s death, uses his wizard powers to strike at Pekkala. Although Pekkala and Majere are somewhat evenly matched, Pekkala does not notice Speedy Gonzalez standing behind her. Pekkala trips over the mouse. Raistlin uses this to his advantage and casts a spell that freezes Pekkala. Speedy runs around and on top of the frozen combatant at such speed that she begins to vibrate with such intensity that she shatters apart. Speedy rushes off again, having caused the destruction of yet another Commando. The remaining magic users of the Commandos- Willow, Dumbledore and Potter arrive at the scene. They destroy Raistlin Majere, but at the price of Willow’s life.

Lyra and Pantalamon in the Intention Craft focus on Computron. The Craft’s weapons rip apart Computron’s components. In the Technobots’ destruction, only Scattershot, and Strafe remain; Lightspeed, Nosecone and Afterburner are destroyed. The space craft modes of the Transformers attack the Intention Craft. The combined firepower of the Transformers actually damage the ship. The ship has to land on the platform. As they are about to lift off again, they are met by Grimlock, Mecha-Godzilla and Brain-Damaged Beowulf. The Intention Craft destroys Brain-Damaged Beowulf, but is set upon by the mechanical dinosaur-like duo of Grimlock and Mecha-Godzilla. The Intention Craft is ripped apart by the robots. Lyra and Pantalamon escape, but are then jumped by King Leonidas and Dark Claw. Lyra and Pantalamon are killed.

King Leonidas is attacked by Buffy. The Greek King succumbs to the vampire slayer as she uses a metal rod to jam through his torso. Buffy then focuses on Batgirl (babs). The girl-fight is spectacular as the spray of water lashes against their costume and shirt. From the display, it is a bit cold outside for the women. Buffy eventually gains the upper hand over Batgirl and kills her. She is tired, but looking for another fight. She faces Etrigan the Demon, Lobo and Dark Claw. She is brutally killed, unable to inflict any harm upon her foes due to their regenerative, healing-factors.

Although it knows that the act it commits will ultimately be its downfall, the alien knows that it is worth it. Starro flies at an incredible speed and actually attaches itself to Dave Bowman- the Starchild. Starro uses its mind control ability to take control of Bowman and destroy Yurich Byrninson; Byrninson is engulfed in flames and explodes. Bowman begins to fight the mind control of Starro. Bowman is able to briefly escape Starro’s effects and uses his powers to destroy two of his real team’s more formidable opponents- Mecha Godzilla and Grimlock. Before Bowman can do further damage to Starro’s team, a last ditch effort proves fruitful as Bowman destroys himself, along with Starro, at Starro’s direction.

Strafe and Scattershot focus on the flying Commandos- Mary Marvel, Black Adam, Parallax, and Dr. Fate. At the end of the fight, both Transformer space ships are destroyed, as is Dr. Fate and Mary Marvel. Black Adam and Parallax fly from the melee and are met by Shazam. Black Adam and Shazam face one another and good reigns over evil as Shazam kills Black Adam. Shazam’s victory is short lived as Parallax rips through Shazam and destroys him.

Rodimus Prime, in robot mode, focuses on his enemy. He fires his weapons and kills both Moon Knight and Flatman. Forge uses his mutant ability to create a weapon of the debris lying around on the flotilla. He uses this against Prime and manages to cripple the Transformer. Kyle Rayner OL then flies upon the scene and with his lantern construct, destroys Prime.

Dumbledore and Harry Potter use their wizardry to take away the healing/immortality factors of Lobo, Darkclaw and Mr. Immortal. Dr. Doom and Zombie Darkseid use this to their advantage and rip them apart with their inherent weaponry. The four stand together against the remaining Murderflies, as Parallax flies above.

Parallax focuses on Rayner. Parallax takes over Rayner’s body and together, they become Kyle Rayner-Parallax. Rayner-Parallax destroys his teammates the Maxx and Forge. Etrigan the Demon uses his hellfire to engulf Rayner-Parallax. Parallax leaves Rayner, who has been killed by Etrigan’s fire. Zombie Darkseid and Dr. Doom take care of Hellboy and Etrigan. In a last ditch effort, Hawkman flies behind Potter and kills him wit his mace. In response, Dumbledore kills Hawkman.

Speedy is the lone Murderfly left; he faces incredible odds. He will not die without words to his enemies.

Speedy: Hola penes. Sé que estoy muerto, pero es un ramo de a$$holes. Viva la Murderflies!!!!

Speedy is incinerated by Zombie Darkseid.

Commandos: Parallax, Dr. Doom, Zombie Darkseid and Dumbledore survive.

Murderflies: All dead.

POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S "BEST OF BOTH WORLDS" TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOES IS VICTORIOUS!!!