Week One: Le Napoleon Brigade VS The Transfoamers

Le Napoleon Brigade : Golden Age Wonder Woman (Hippolyta) and Evil-Lyn

The Transfoamers: James Hetfield (W/Red Lightsaber), Lars Ulrich(W/Halberd), Kirk Hammett (W/Atlas), Jason Newsted (W/Heat Axe), and Zam Wessel

Setting, somewhere around 3am in Josh Houslander’s apartment.

“EXXXXXXXXXIT LIGHT……ENNNNNNTER NIGHT!!!”

“Stop, STOP…Lars goddamit we have been playing this song for 20 years, can’t you keep the beat on it by now .”

Lead singer, James Hetfield, now frustrated from practicing the same song for the last 3 ½ hours shouts gruffly at his long time drummer.

“Shut up James, you aren’t any better than the rest of us, I know how to play the flipping song, and you don’t have to stop every other verse to call me out.” Ulrich quips back

“Boys, boys enough”, former Bassist Jason Newstead, interjects, “ I really do appreciated you boys asking me to come back and play with you here in my home state, I know I never mentioned this before, but it was your constant bickering that caused me to leave this band in the first place.”

Now Enraged, Tired, and frustrated Hetfield slams his guitar to the ground, and rushes toward Newstead, looking to choke him out with the microphone cord, and is just about to reach him, when longtime lead guitarist Kirk Hammett steps in between the two, and exclaims, “Maybe we should call it an evening boys”

“No we are Fu#*!ng Metallica, and we are gonna get this Fu#*!ng song perfect” , Hetfield shoots back. “This is Detroit, Rock City, and this is the 20year anniversary of Enter Sandman, and that Housesitter kid was nice enough to lend us his apartment while he and his kids went down to ‘The National Waffle, Pancakes, and Star Wars Convention’ in Tupelo Mississippi, for the weekend, so we are going to perfect this effing song.

All of a sudden there is a knock at the door. All four boys spring up and head to the door, thinking it could only be the cops at this hour in the morning, and they don’t need any more headaches than the day has already been. Hetfield reaches the door first, swings it open and says, “Sorry oficerrrr Hello!”. On the other side of the door is a stunningly tall ebony haired woman.

“Could you and your boys keep it down, my associate and I traveled a very long way to get here today, and have a lot of work to do, tomorrow and would appreciate if you allowed us to get some sleep.

“Groupies James, Groupies, invite them in, “a little fun” is exactly what I need right now” quips one of the band members behind Hetfield, he doesn’t turn around to identify who it is.

“Boy’s we are only going to ask nicely one more time, and then you will not like the outcome after that.”

“Are you threatening us lady, it’s been a long day for us as well, and now would not be the time to stand there and Idly threaten us. It is not our bands M.O to strike women, but I cannot be held accountable for my actions, with the mood I’m in now.”

For the time being cooler heads prevail and both parties disperse back to their adjoining apartment buildings.

Once safely inside their apartment, Evil-Lyn shoots a stern look in the direction of her associate and quips, “We could have silenced them….FOR GOOD.”

“We must not reveal ourselves to these mortals. That is not what we have been tasked to do”. Hippolyta replies.

“As, you wish, I will then bid you a good night and retire to my room”. Evil-Lyn states as she walks down the hall, however she has other thoughts on her mind. From the time the band next door began practicing that filth, she had been plotting on silencing them forever.

Evil-Lyn sneaks out the bedroom window and walks next door to observe what the band is up to. She notices that they have picked their instruments back up. She also notices a roadie is adjusting the amplifiers, so she feels this is the perfect time to make her move. She raises her wand un unleashes a sonic wave the blows out the picture window she is peering through, and sends all four members of the band, and their roadie flying through the air and crashing through the wall that separates their practice space in the living room, from the kitchen. As the dust settles, the boys realize that with only a couple of scrapes and cuts, they are all still alive. Evil-Lyn steps through the opening where the window used to be and prepares her next move, fully unaware that the band, knowing Detroit’s rough reputation, had packed a few party favors for personal protection. The band emerges from the rubble, four strong, brandishing the weapons they had stored in the kitchen, and ready for battle. Newsted strikes first as he raises his Heat Axe at the sorceress and unleashes a fire ball. The sorceress is easily able block this, and returns with a conjured blast of ice, that freezes Newsted in his tracks.

As the fighting rages on, the roadie emerges from the rubble, and sneaks out the front door, however this is no ordinary roadie. This is the shape shifter Zam Wessell, hired by Metallica to offer personal protection for the band, because again this is Detroit, and you can never be too safe. Zam had observed the earlier confrontation at the front door, and observed the strength and beauty that was Hippolyta, and knew if she became involved in this fight; the boys in the band were in trouble. Zam, grabs a large piece of the blown out window, takes the form of Evil-Lyn and runs next door.

“Hurry...Hippolyta please help. That band is crazy. The kicked out my window and dragged me from my bed, however I was able to summon just enough magic to break free and get to you. We must put these rabid dogs down for good.”

Reluctantly Hippolyta agrees something must now be done. She steps outside and begins to walk next door, to assess just what must be done to rectify this situation. Zam pulls out the concealed shard from the wreckage next door and stabs violently at the massive Amazonian queen. The shard merely glances off the Queen’s girdle, and Hippolyta wheels around in stunned confusion, raises the staff she had grabbed from her appointment, and strikes Zam down on the spot. She then runs into the apartment to find the true from of her companion locked in what is currently a 3 on 1 battle. As she runs in to join the battle, her staff clangs against the now frozen Jason Newstead, and he is shattered into pieces. She takes her place next to Evil-Lyn, and the true battle is now on.

Kirk Hammet is next to act. He grabs his atlas and rushes at Evil-Lyn. While James and Lars decide they are going to play a game of one-uppsmanship against the Amazonian queen. Kirk swings at the sorceress and shatters the crystal ball that she is holding in her hand. He then swings again, and knocks the wand from the Sorceress’ hand. The force of the blow also knocks the sorceress to the ground. He raises his axe and begins to deliver the death blow. As fate would have it, the sorceress wand came to rest only inches from her on the ground, and she is able to conjure one last beam of energy. Almost simultaneously, the sorceresses head, and the guitarist lifeless body fall to the ground.

Lars steps in front of James holding two drumsticks in his hands.

“I see what you are trying to do hear” quips the Hippolyta, “I heard you drumming earlier; it was indeed brutal enough to kill a person”

Enraged, Ulrich fastens the two drumsticks together to form the magical lance “Halbert” and attacks the Amazonian Queen with a series of brutal blows. Some she is able to fend off with her staff, but more than a couple land. The Amazonian Queen is staggered, yet not defeated.

“Step Back Ulrich, and let me show you how a real man does it”, Hetfield states as he pushes his drummer behind him.

Hetfield fires up his lightsaber, and he two exchanges a series of furious blows with Hippolyta, with the same result. He is able to stager the woman, but now take her down.

Perplexed, the two remaining members of Metallica retreat to the bathroom of the apartment.

“NO, absolutely not, that goes against everything I built this band on, I will not do it” Hetfield screams at Ulrich.

“C’Mon James, woman go crazy for that power ballad s*#t. Kirk and Jason are dead, its only you and I, no one will ever know you sang the song but me”

“No I refuse to do it, I just won’t”

“James, we have had our disagreements today, and I know you don’t value my opinion, but this is a matter of life or death.”

“Fine, but if you tell anyone, you won’t have to worry about Life or Death, cuz I will kill you.”

The two immerge from the bathroom; James grabs his guitar and the microphone from the rubble and begins to sing:

“They say Every Rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawwwn. Just like every cowboy Sings a sad, sad song. Eve-ry rose has its thorn.”

The sappy power ballad seems to be working, the Amazonian queen seems to be entranced in the grasps of sh**ty music seduction. Lars seizes this opportunity to again rush the queen. He strikes her violently with his lance. The blow knocks the queen backwards and she crashes over a couch. Ulrich is sure he has impaled her and finished her off. So he is stunned when she arises from behind the couch. The queen thrusts hers staff forward, it enters Ulrich’s notoriously big mouth, and exits out the back of his skull, finishing him for good.

What the queen did not realize, is that while the blow from the drummer did not kill her, it did knock off the magical girdle that had kept her safe/alive throughout the course of the match. But while she did not realize this, Hetfield did, and while the queen was finishing off Ulrich, Hetfield had strategically moved behind her, and ignited the Red Lightsaber.

The queen now steps on the throat of the fallen drummer, and slowly removes her staff from his head.

“I can’t believe that because of you, I had to compromise everything I’ve ever done in my entire career”, she hears from behind her. The queen begins to wheel around quickly when it happens. Things quickly go dark, the queen can see her body standing from across the room, and her brain stays active just long enough to see it fall to the floor.

THE TRANSFOAMERS ARE VICTORIOUS.

Week One: The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs The Right Wing

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is X-23 and Salacious B. Crumb.

The Right Wing is Black Lantern She-Hulk, Nick Houslander w/Blue Lightsaber, and Bear w/Green Lightsaber.


“Joan Jett?? Hells yeah!” exclaims Nick Houslander as he finishes off his coffee as The Right Wing enters Josh’s Apartment. Bear immediately sees Salacious B. Crumb perched up on top of one of the speakers in the corner. “Be’s bine Bick!” shouts Bear as he lunges at the cackling creature. They both crash to the floor, Bear quickly ignites his lightsaber and drives it through Salacious several times (possibly a few too many). “Damn dude, calm down,” Nick says to his long time partner. But before Bear can respond to Nick, they are both kicked to the ground by X-23. She then turns her attention to the real threat, which is Black Lantern She-Hulk. The zombified female version of The Hulk squares off against the female clone of Wolverine (appropriate, huh?) in a battle the causes severe damage to the living area of Josh’s Apartment. Nick and Bear have retreated to outside and are looking through the door wall. Nick looks at bear and says, “So…. Think Josh will get his security deposit back? Hahahaha.” Black Lantern She-Hulk grabs a hold of X-23 and launches her through the wall in-between the living room and the kitchen. X-23 crashes through and knocks over the refrigerator. B.L. She-Hulk then flies in and goes to finish off her opponent, but X-23 flip kicks her way back on to her feet, and in doing so slices off B.L. She-Hulk’s right arm with her foot claw. X-23 then lunges at her and slashes her way through B.L. She-Hulk’s chest until there is nothing but a mass of rotting flesh on the floor of the kitchen.

X-23 then calmly walks back into the living room sets the record player back up and drops the needle back down on the vinyl. She then looks at Nick and Bear who are outside the sliding door. X-23, with claws still extended, motions with her finger for the two of them to come back inside. “Awww, this is going to suck Bear,” Nick laments to his old chum. Bear nods his head and is the first one to rush in towards X-23. Nick is quick to follow, both of them have their lightsabers drawn, but X-23 is just too quick for them. She spin kicks Nick and slashes him across his chest. Lucky for him, it’s not a mortal wound, which is most likely due to his thick chest mane. As he regains his footing, he looks up to see Bear being ripped in half by X-23. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Nick shouts (A lot like Obi Wan did when he saw Qui Gon get killed by Darth Maul). Nick in a blinded rage rushes X-23, but she back flips over him and drives her claws right through his neck. Nick drops to the ground and the last thing he hears is Joan Jett’s voice singing “Ah, now I don't hardly know her, But I think I could love her, Crimson and clover.”

THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS!!

The Tijuana Taco Benderz Vs. George Washington's Slaves

George Washington's Slaves are Doppleganger and Gizmo

The Tijuana Taco Benderz are Mammoth and Jinx


Damn Gizmo is cute. I mean seriously, I know that I am supposed to be totally unbiased as a watcher, but I am not sure if there has ever been a human child as cute as that friggin magwai. I know that fan-boy dorks (like me) like to act like they think that The Gremlins movie is cool because of some retro horror aspect; but lets be honest. That movie is cool because even the most hardened A-Hole on the planet can’t help but have their heart melt when Gizmo says “Bright-light, Bright-light” in that friggin movie... Don’t deny it people, I mean seriously who do you think you’re bulls&*^in? But back to the story. The fact that I am totally obsessed with the cuteness of Gizmo doesn’t change the fact, that this match starts with Mammoth punting the little Magwai right into the AT-ST painting above Josh’s vintage T.V. Which destroys both the painting and the life of Gizmo.

**At this point, we shall forego the week that Josh spends crying over this double loss and just continue with the events of the fight.

Mammoth and Doppleganger become locked in an intense and violent battle. They break everything that they come in to contact with and turn Josh’s apartment into an absolute disaster (Josh is going to come home and think that he is married again). Mammoth may actually have the upper hand in the strength department, but he is definitely lacking in terms of speed and fighting ability when put up against Doppleganger. Jinx is attempting to make a move to help out her teammate but she, in essence does little more than follow the fight into Alex’s room as the 2 brutes turn every room in Josh’s place into a complete disaster. Mammoth gets pushed down, but pops back up as quick as he can. The HIVE Academy Graduate attempts to defend himself, but Doppleganger uses his two top arms to grab the arms of Mammoth and break them in place while he is simultaneously gut-punching the genetically enhanced teenager. With Mammoth’s arms broken and lung’s compressed he makes virtually no effort to stop the evil Spider-Man Clone from using his multi-armed frame to crack his neck. As Jinx’s teammate falls the HIVE FIVE Leader jumps into action. She attempts to attack Doppleganger but the four-armed individual’s spider-sense tingles before she can land her attack. Doppleganger ducks out of the way of his smaller attacker and punches her on to the top of Josh’s dresser. The dazed Jinx shakes off this brutal attack just in time to see that the sword set that Doppleganger had thrown her into had become airborne. Jinx smiles as Doppleganger runs in for the attack and sees the sword set’s Wakisachi fly through the air and land blade first in the back of Doppelganger’s neck. It sure is good to be lucky.
THE TIJUANA TACO BENDERZ ARE VICTORIOUS!!

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches

The Horseman of Apokolips are Josh Houslander: Jedi Knight (w/ a blue lantern ring), Laya Houslander: Jedi Youngling, Alexander Houslander: Jedi Youngling, Chris Artrip (w/ Mandalorian Armor & a green lightsaber), Julie Artrip (w/ a green lightsaber & a Star Wand), Fry Guy #1 & 2, & INTRODUCING Ella Artrip (w/ a blue lightsaber).

Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches are Darth Talon.


Fry Guy #1 & 2 are discussing the surreal aspects of their lives as they find themselves in a situation that they never thought they would be lucky enough to embrace. "Damn Broccoli Face (that's Fry Guy #2) I can't believe that the two of us just got signed to one year contract with The Horsemen of Apokolips, and then immediately got the start against The Backyardigans. They are two of the best teams in the league”. “Recognize Celery mouth (that’s Fry Guy #1 (they sure have ironic names don’t they (Heh))). The 2 McDonalds spokes-things are especially happy, since they had heard all the rumors going around about The Commissioner tightening his grip on the league and doing away with most of the “useless” characters left over on the waiver wires. And after a solid year of twiddling their thumbs on the waiver wires themselves, both Celery Mouth and Broccoli Face are certain that they would have been a part of The Commissioner’s “House Cleaning”. But now instead, only moments before the “mass character vanquishing” took place they find themselves with a spot on The Horsemen of Apokolips themselves, a guaranteed spot within the league, and in the home of the “MIGHTY” Commissioner himself... Like they said, surreal. The 2 Fry Guys are about to nervously introduce themselves to their teammates, the hardened members of the Horsemen Squad that make up the rest of their team when they all of the sudden find it impossible to breath. Darth Talon, force chokes the life out of the two Fry Guys before anyone else even notices that she is present within the small apartment. The Jedi and Myrmidon senses of the rest of The Horsemen Squad are working overtime as the Sith Lord creeps through the darkened apartment. “Be mindful of your surroundings” a nervous Josh says to his family members, as they form a circle with their backs to each other in the center of the living room. “It’s quiet” Julie says. “Yeah, to quiet” Laya quips to her Godmother. Laya speaks softly: “I sense an evil that I have not felt, since“... “Before Darkseid died” Alex says, to finish his sister’s sentence. “I think I see her” Chris says in regards to Vader’s Apprentice. “Your eyes can deceive you father... Don’t trust them”. Ella says to her Dad; but before her Myrmidon father even has the ability to be proud of his daughter’s calm demeanor, Ella gets force pushed into the vintage speakers in the corner of Josh’s apartment. In the vicinity of the front door, a red lightsaber is ignited, which is followed promptly by the ignition of three blue ones and three green ones. Chris jumps into action at the sight of his daughter being attacked and uses both his jetpack and Josh’s loveseat as a springboard to attack Lord Talon. “No Uncle Chris ... WAIT”! Laya screams, knowing that her squad has a much better chance against the powerful Dark Side Combatant, if they work together. Fizz leads with his lightsaber, but Darth Talon quickly uses her own saber to cut it in half. Despite the loss of his Jedi weapon, Chris doesn’t hesitate at all in continuing his attack; he uses his suit’s built in flamethrowers to light up the darkened apartment (I think Josh might have “forgotten” to pay the electric bill again). Lord Talon uses her force powers to protect herself from the fire, but the attack does leave her taken aback. In the meantime, “Z” pulls out Josh’s old Katana and 10mm Glock to continue his attack. Chris attacks fiercely, sending sparks flying throughout the entrance hallway, but Darth Talon is simply to fast for him. She ducks under his “conventional weapon” attacks and then sneaks both her body and her lightsaber behind him to send it straight through both Fizzle’s suit and heart. Artifact’s actions are in no way in vain as the rest of his squad was given plenty of time to both get Ella to safety and to reestablish their position. “Hang back, everyone. We take her together”. Josh says to attempt to inject some Jedi Patience into the situation; but Ella isn’t about to let this Red-skinned tentacle-headed chick get away with killing her dad. Ella begins to grow anxious, but Julie yells to her daughter to stay back. Darth Talon, in a surprising move, runs from The Horsemen Squad, and takes position in Alex’s Room. With her back to Josh’s dresser. The Horsemen slowly move to the back room of the apartment, when it becomes fairly obvious to Josh that Julie has no intention of being patient or of going easy on the dumb alien broad that just took out her husband. “Don’t rush in on your own sister” Josh says to Julie, and finishes with: “remember we have our kids to protect”. Julie looks at her brother and says: “You are acting like we are about to jump into Lake Huron... Now quit being a pussy. If you don’t want me to rush in by myself, then I suggest you come with me”. Josh doesn’t answer. He simply smiles at his little sister, right before they both rush in towards Darth Talon. Ella and Alex begin to follow, but Laya tells them to “hold back until they need us”. Her brother and cousin listen without thinking twice. Josh and Julie clash with a ferocity that would definitely make Julie’s captain (Achilles) proud. Josh, has always used the Form 4 technique of lightsaber fighting; but now that he can fly (do to his blue lantern ring) it makes his Form 4 (aerial jump-fighting) even more effective. Julie fights fiercely, with her Star Wand located in her right hand, and her lightsaber held upside down in her left hand to widen her attack span. Josh and Julie don’t attack as two fighters, but as one fighting unit. Lord Talon delivers a kick to the stomach of Josh that sends him flying onto Alex’s bed. Josh recuperates and begins to head back toward the fight, but in the meantime Julie is warding off Talon’s attacks. Darth Talon speaks to her opponent: “Your anger makes you powerful. Our lightsabers are tied up with each other. Use your Star Wand and strike me down... Only your hatred for me can allow you to win this fight”. Julie, who is not a Jedi, but a Myrmidon freely takes the advice from the Sith Lord and uses her Star Wand to blast Darth Talon back onto the corner wall by Josh’s bed. Darth Talon, does manage to destroy Julie’s lightsaber with a quick flick of her wrist before the star blast sends her airborne. Lord Talon takes less than a second to recuperate from this attack, and then uses the bed as a vantage point to attack the Jedi Knight and his sister. Laya, Alex, and Ella still hold back and wait for the best time to join the fight, without getting in the way of their parents. As the fight begins anew, a blaze of Blue energy, yellow colored star blasts and clashing lightsabers fill the air. Josh and Julie fight well, using all of the talents that they have been taught by some of the best possible teachers; but it doesn’t change the fact, that Darth Talon is the most skilled warrior in the room. Julie takes a step back and starts unloading star blasts at The Sith Lord, but Lord Talon blocks them with her lightsaber ( a skill, that she was never very adept at until a former Jedi took over her training). Julie keeps her busy, but eventually her star wand runs out of power, leaving it as only a melee device. Darth Talon rushes at The Myrmidon, but Julie is unable to defend against her attacks, she catches a red lightsaber blade beneath her ribs. Josh rushes in to attack, but doesn’t get there in time to save his sister. The Jedi and Sith become locked in an intense lightsaber battle. Josh focuses the power of his blue ring into his inner force power; but the blue ring, without the benefit of a green ring in the vicinity, is not a very powerful attack weapon. Josh pushes Lord Talon into the corner by his own dresser, but Darth Talon throws down a spin move that ends with the removal of Josh’s head. Before Josh’s head hits the ground and Darth Talon is able to recuperate, an angered but focused Laya yells “NOW”. Which sends all three of the young warriors into attack mode. Darth Talon underestimates the 3 Younglings, but while Alex is parrying her initial attack, Laya force pushes Ella on to the top of Josh’s old dresser. Ella quickly jumps down and makes an attack toward Darth Talon. The attack against The Sith Lord proves to not be fatal, but it does slice Talon’s red lightsaber in half. Darth Talon, for the first time in the course of this match is scared as she is left weaponless against her attackers; but the powerful Sith Lord throws down a room clearing, Sith Lightning laced force push that sends all three of the young attackers off in different directions. Laya and Ella are both pushed back out into the hallway, but Alex is left alone in the room with Darth Talon. The Sith Lord uses the force to pick up both Josh’s blue lightsaber out of his dead hand and to take the katana off of Josh’s dresser. The Sith Lord, just simply doesn’t look right holding a blue lightsaber, with her crimson red skin and evil eyes as she walks toward the Youngling. Darth Talon is trying her hardest to use intimidation against the young warriors, but Alex looks at her and says: “I shall never fear my father’s swords”. Alex is fully prepared to do his best against Darth Talon all on his own when the his two teammates rush back into the room. It is not certain where Laya disappeared to, but Ella came in with Josh’s old Tanfoglio .25 ACP blazing. She then dropped the small pistol and armed herself with her lightsaber in one hand and Josh’s old Tanto in the other (these are the weapons that were passed to her when Josh died, they are not to be confused with the identical, yet different versions that are sitting on the dresser she is running towards). Alex and Ella parry the lightsaber attacks of Darth Talon as the arrogant Sith Lord says: “What is it that makes you think you can defeat me? I respect your drive and even your abilities, but love for your dead parents isn’t going to win you this fight. I am curious, young warriors what is that you think gives you the upper hand over me”? Alex and Ella don’t say a word as they do their best to defend against her melee attacks. Darth Talon continues with her rigorous questioning: “Do you believe that your lightsaber skills will win you this fight, your anger at the death of your parents and teammates, your barely attained Jedi skills??? Well, answer me children... WHAT?!?” Darth Talon finishes her rant as she is about to bring her 2 weapons down on the heads of both Alex and Ella. At that moment a flinching Ella and Alex see a blue lightsaber tip come through the chest of Darth Talon and they hear Laya look down at the dying Sith Lord and say “How about Home Field Advantage”.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!

week 1- Built Ford Tough vs Michael Vickz Bad News Kennelz of Lurve

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is: Jade w/ green and blue power rings, and Dexter the dog.

Built Ford Tough is: Jeff Houslander w/ red ring, Despotellis, and Good Luck Bear.


As the match is set to begin, Jade and Dexter enter the home of Josh Houslander through the front door, ready to compete. On the other side, Good Luck Bear charges at Jade through the glass door, running as fast as his chubby little legs will carry him, luckily for him (and establishing a pattern for the rest of the match), Jade creates a giant green hand and swats the Care Bear a little too roughly, sending him careening into Josh's bookcase. Dazing the little fellow.

As Good Luck Bear, or GLB as he will now be referred to, struggles to get to his feet, he pulls himself up by grasping one of Josh's various "Dune" books. Suddenly there's a flash of light from the stomach of the cigarette smoking Teletubby and a portal opens up right in front of GLB. His curiosity piqued, he enters the portal and disappears leaving the elder Houslander seemingly alone in his son's apartment to fend to himself.

"Son of a b%@h" seethes Houslander "I gotta do every f*%@ing thing myself" and vomits his bruning red plasma at Jade and Dexter.

The Kennelz dodge the blast, when suddenly Dexter gets very ills and vomits all over Josh's carpet. The dog isn't looking so great, so I hereby invoke one of my five "Watcher life savers" and transport Dexter back home safe and sound.

"Ok, Mr Houslander. It's one on one. Bring it on, old man." Jade confidently tells the hatred fueled Houser.

"Is it? You sure, you stupid green wh*#e?" Jeff fires back "You better be careful, you might catch what the fleabag mutt got."

"Oh, the Despotellis virus? That sentient flu bug that has a Sinestro Corps ring? Yeah, I knew he was here as soon as Dexter started looking sick so I used my blue ring to drain his ring and then used the Starheart to create the proper antibodies to counteract him. He's gone now, and since your little green friend went who knows where, it's just you and me. It's antibodies are still coursing through my veins, making sure I totally eradicate the infection, so I'll just use my rings to beat you." Jade says expositionally.

"M**%$her. F*#@k!" screams Jeff and launches another plasma burst at the smarty pants.

"Now, now Mr Houslander. A man your age shouldn't get so upset. Here, let me help you get the rage under control." Jade then creates a green force bubble that envelopes Josh's dad and as he prepares to swear and puke more red energy Jade uses her blue ring to heal Jeff's burning hatred and pries the ring off of his finger.

"There now, Mr Houslander." coos Jade. "All better, now run along on your merry way."

"Run? Why the f*%$k would I run?" questions the perplexed Jeff

"Well, it's a retreat week. And since Dexter was spared, I figured I'd return the favor and let you live. Seems kinda classless to kill a guy's father in his apartment while he's not here."

"EXCEPT IT'S NOT A RETREAT WEEK YOU DUMB B!$*H!" says a voice behind Jade.

"Wha?" she claims and turns to see Good Luck Bear standing in front of her, holding the head of a Manhunter robot. "Good Luck Bear? But I thought you died in that flash by the bookcase"

"Ha. No, you stupid slut. Lucky for me, I found the entrance to the FFL armory, where Josh keeps all the prizes and spare parts for the league. Who would have thought that teletubby actually had a use, and isn't just a funny decoration?" GLB cockily replies. "Now, since you took my buddies ring, how about I take one of yours?" and GLB uses the Manhunter robot head to quickly drain Jade's green ring.

"Ha ha ha. You dumb, green furry bastard" Jade replies. "I'll just use my blue ring to recharge the green one."

"Except, without a functioning green ring around the blue one is useless." the bear replies

"You're bluffing" says Jade

"Maybe" GLB relies calmly " "but you might want to turn around and see what Mr Houslander has for you."

"What?" Jade says and the last thing she sees is Josh's dad swinging one of Josh's swords at her head.

"Well Jeff, we make quite a pair" says GLB.

"Whatever you creepy little a$$h*/#" replies Jeff as he grabs picks up his red ring and starts to head home. "Just clean up that f*#king dog puke before Josh gets home. I just stepped in that s#*t. Get going, or I'll put my boot so far up your a$$ that people will think you're one of my slippers."

"Yes sir, you're welcome for winning us the match by the way" GLB responds despondently.

"What the f*$k did you say??!!"

"Nothing, nothing. Cleaning up the puke now, sir"

"Good."


Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: All dead/ spared.

Built Ford Tough: Jeff Houslander and Good Luck Bear survive


BUILT FORD TOUGH IS VICTORIOUS!!

Season 4, Week 1 Match: TEAM vs. Alice's Wonder Team

“P-p-p-p-please! Me, scared? Don't be ridiculous!”
-Roger Rabbit

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, Week 1 Match located at Josh’s Apartment. They are as follows:

TEAM- Yarael Poof and Black Lantern Pete Sosa

Alice’s Wonder Team- War Machine and Roger Rabbit

Let the battle begin. . .

Black Lantern Pete Sosa stands before Roger Rabbit in Josh’s bedroom. It is the most action the bedroom has seen in ages. Sosa’s dead, but piercing eyes stare with contempt at the leporidae.

BL Sosa: Do you know who I am?

Roger Rabbit: A dead, but strappingly handsome man, if I say so myself.

BL Sosa: Do you know where I’ve been?

Roger Rabbit: Not really; it’s because I would’ve tried your office. Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know! But the liquor store guy... he knew.

BL Sosa ponders the day when he was alive and imbibing the alcoholic beverages of his choice. He quickly shakes his memories away. He is a black lantern. A harbinger of death. He slowly walks toward Roger, but stops when Roger holds up his hand, signaling Sosa to wait. Roger pulls out a cane from his pocket and it transforms into a bouquet of flowers. Before he is able to begin another trick, Sosa is upon him.

Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-p-p-please!!!!!

BL Sosa rips through Roger Rabbit’s chest and in his bloodied hand brings forth the bunny’s heart.

BL Sosa: Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.

In the living room, Yarael Poof ignites his lightsaber. War Machine’s retractable shoulder guns come to life and blaze a death storm across the room. The walls (and more importantly, Josh’s “Dune” novel collection) are shredded apart. The Quermia Jedi Master deflects the projectiles and closes in on Rhodey. As Poof is directly in front of War Machine, Rhodes uses his gauntlet flamethrower. Poof screams as his body burns. Poof’s last act of defiance shows when he grips his lightsaber and forces it through War Machine’s face plate and skull. A singed and mortally wounded Poof lies next to the killed War Machine.

The destruction caused by the armored warrior leaves the entire apartment in disarray. BL Sosa is seen walking from the bathroom, shirt torn and his body glistening due to the water spray from the destroyed shower pipes. His rippling muscles exude wonderment for this Watcher to behold. He kneels down before the Jedi Master.

Poof: You have done well BL Sosa. You have done well. You are the last today.

BL Sosa: It is because although I am a black lantern, I still have tiger blood running through my veins.

Poof: Your strength. . . .

BL Sosa: Comes from no drugs. The only Drugs BL Sosa takes are BL Sosa and no one can take them or it will melt their face and blow their mind!

Poof: Your. . . .

BL Sosa: WINNING!

Poof dies in BL Sosa’s arms.

Alice’s Wonder Team- All dead.

TEAM- Black Lantern Pete Sosa survives.

TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!

Season 4, Week 1 Match: Team Sleeping Pussy vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends

“The Toecutter - he knows who I am. I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy! I'm hotter than a rollin' dice. Step right up, germ, and watch the kid lay down the rubber road, ride to freedom!”
-Nightrider

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, Week 1 Match located at Josh’s Apartment. They are as follows:

Team Sleeping Pussy- Nightrider, Toecutter, Bubba Zanetti, Johnny the Boy, Mudguts and Cundalini.

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends- Inigo Montoya (w/ a blue lightsaber), Fezzik and Vizzini.

Let the battle begin. . .

The Mad Max gang stands shoulder to shoulder in Josh’s living room. Montoya, followed by Fezzik and Vizzini, emerge from the bedroom. Montoya stands before his brothers-in-arms and ignites his blue lightsaber.

Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Although you didn’t kill my father, prepare to die!

Montoya rushes at Mudguts and disembowels the man with one quick slash. Mudguts looks down to see his intestines dripping from his stomach to the floor. Mudguts crumples to the ground.

Vizzini and Fezzik confront Zanetti and Johnny the Boy. Zanetti and Johnny run to the kitchen and smash two chairs found standing in the corner. The two slowly move from the kitchen with a chair leg in each hand. Vizzini pulls a knife from his belt. Before he is able to use it, his arm is struck by Zanetti. Vizzini drops the knife. Johnny the Boy barrels into Vizzini. Johnny, in a mad rage, repeatedly pummels Vizinni’s skull with both chair legs. While his friend is being pummeled, Fezzik reaches Zanetti and picks him up by his throat with one hand. A snap is heard and Fezzik throws Zanetti to the floor like a ragdoll. After the death of Zanetti, Johnny the Boy rises and trips over Vizzini’s body, which is lying next to him.

Johnny the Boy: Don't do this to me, please! Aw, Sweet Jesus! I was sick! Don't bring this on me, please!

Fezzik lifts Johnny the Boy and performs a double under-hook suplex. He then takes the four chair legs and smashes them through Johnny the Boy’s head.

Meanwhile across the room, Montoya manages to cut the hand off of Cundalini. Cundalini looks at the cauterized stump and grimaces. Toecutter walks in front of Cundalini and motions to his fallen brethren.

Toecutter: That there is Cundalini... and Cundalini wants his hand back!

Montoya rushes at Toecutter, but before he reaches him, he is jumped by Nightrider. Nightrider is in a piggyback position, clawing at Montoya’s face. Montoya attempts to knock Nightrider off his back by smashing into walls, while also swinging his lightsaber wildly around.

Nightrider: I am the Nightrider! I'm a fuel injected suicide machine! I am the rocker; I am the roller; I am the out-of-controller!

Montoya finally succumbs to exhaustion and crashes to the floor. Nightrider, Cundalini and Toecutter focus on Fezzik since Montoya is currently out of the mix. The three overpower the giant. Toecutter uses the chords from Josh’s Xbox to strangle Fezzik, while Nightrider and Cundalini rush to the kitchen and grab Houslander’s kitchenware for the final kill. The two men hurry back and stab Fezzik with the knives from Josh’s kitchen, while Toecutter holds Fezzik’s neck in place with the wiring. Fezzik is killed. As Cundalini and Nightrider rise, Cundalini looks down and sees a blue blade protruding from his chest. He falls. Nightrider and Toecutter both stand and face Montoya, wielding his blade.

Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed Fezzik and Vizzini. Prepare to die.

Toecutter and Nightrider are slashed in two.

Montoya sits down and looks at Josh’s “dollies,” which remain unharmed on the television set.

Team Sleeping Pussy: All dead.

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends: Inigo Montoya survives.

GRIFFIN’S HIGH MAINTENANCE DOPE FIENDS IS VICTORIOUS!!!

week 1- Hannah and the Prez's Touring Battalion vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Josh's Apartment:

Pop-Superstar Hannah "TV didn't ruin me dad. You did." Montana and President Barak Obama's "Best of Both World's Touring Battalion of Commandos is: Leon:The Professional, Lady Gaga, Black Lantern Dozer #1, and baby Ewok #5

Xavier's Annihilation Squad is : Jeanie w/ Devil Lance, Major Nelson w/ Demon Rod, and Black Lantern Josh Houslander.

The Touring Commandos huddle out side of Josh's Apartment, discussing strategy.

"Ok, we all know the plan, oui?" says Leon. We get in. Get What we need and get out before anyone knows we were here. I have check with our owner and Josh is out doing a podcast on Groudy.com since it is Thursday around 6:45. That shall give us ample time to achieve our goals."

"Can't read my pokerface" says Lady Gaga.

"I'll tear their hearts out of their chests and build another delicious Doozer tower to lure those fraggles to their deaths" growls BLack Lanterns Doozer #1

"Eeep, eep." say Baby Ewok #5, showing that the Watcher has a very base idea of what all these players are all about.

"Ok, in we go." directs Leon. "Hold on. I see something. It looks like Houslander is home early. Merde. Now we cannot steal the notebooks and write in that we are all unkillable deathmachines when in ze apartment. Merde. Zat was such a good idea. I make ze change in ze book, since if eet is in zee book eet ees true and valid for zee match." I should mention that as Leon gets more upset, his professionalism wavers and his hilarious french accent becomes more pronounced.

"Alejandro!" says Gaga. "Just dance!" she then point to Jeanie and Major Nelson talking to Houslander.

"You need to speak in more zan broken lyrics, cherie." replies Leon "But I see zem. Ewok bebe, geeev me ze speciul lan-cher I make for zis occasion".

"Chub chub." replies the Ewok gleefully, and hands the french assassin a heavy duty slingshot.

Leon picks up the black lanten Dozer and as he loads him, tells the lovable, deadly scamp "Reemebur, missuer Doz-air. Like zee old say-eeng goes. Women and child-ren first." Leon then fires the Dozer at Jeanie, where he lands and promptly breaks her neck before she can do her little head bob, magic action. He then tears her heart out of her chest in front of a screaming Major Nelson.

Nelson shakily aims his Demon Rod at the horrifiying mini Muppet when he hears a voice say "Gaga, ooh lala." and turns to see a horrifying creature running at him telling him she wants his "Love, love, love I want your love."

It is the Gaga.

Nelson seals his fate as he looks upon the alleged hermaphrodite, giving the Dozer time to crawl up his leg and tear his heart out.

"Bein. Bein" says Leon. "Eet looks like we did not need my strategy after all. Ah, 'Ouslander. Sorry for zee deception. All ees fair in ze FFL, no?" laughs Leon, glowing after such an easy slaughter "Cigarette, 'Ouslander?"

"Sure", replies Josh "Have the little Ewok bring it to me, give him something to do"

"Ah, oui oui Ouslander. You know, today ees heez birsday. Well my leetle friend, maybe we go to zee Chuck E Cheese and celebrate your birsday and zee win." Leon hands the birthday boy the cigarettes where he gleefully toddles over to Josh, exicted at the prosper of pizza, games, and a giant rat.

"Ey. Moment 'Ouslander. That reeng on your feen-air. Ees eet not supposed to be blue?"

"Oh yeah, look at that. I put on the wrong ring. That just tears me APART!" screams Josh as he picks up the baby ewok and tears him in half right infront of the stunned Commandos revealing himself to not be the beloved FFL Commish, but instead the Black Lantern version of said person.

"HOLY F%^K!!" screams Gaga "RUN!!" and she spins to run but forgets she's wearing a stupid outfit and falls on top of Leon knocking both of them off their feet.

"I got thi..."the black lantern Dozer started to say, but Josh quickly throws the head of the baby ewok at him, covering him in blood and knocking him down for a bit.

"Old on, old on. Keel ze freak first!!!" Cries Leon, who not very professionally pushes Gaga at the bloodthirsty Houslander.

"I am sick and tired of....HURK." Gaga attempts to speak in the form of her song "Telephone" but her service is disconnected as her heart is torn out of her chest.

"Oh, no. No nonononono." whimpers Leon as a blood spattered, demonic looking Josh sadistically walks toward him smiling.

"Good bye Leon, can't say I'd recommend your services to my friends." and Josh finishes off The Professional.

"Anyone left?" questions the Black Lantern Houslander

"Yeah. Me." says the black lantern Dozer "Lets finish this." and he begins to run at his opponent

"Just a second. Let me mark something down" replies the Commish and pulls out a notebook.

the Dozer is making pretty good time but as he reaches his destination, he falls and his ring flies off his finger. The Dozer gets up, and says "Wwwwait, What the. I...I'm not a black lantern anymore? I'm a regular Dozer?"

"That's right short stuff, says right here in the official FFL rule book. If a black lantern fights infront of the office of the FFL commissioner and gets splashed with the blood of a teammate on said teammates birthday, his life shall be returned to him." sneers the Black Lantern Josh

"This...this is.. I heard you were corrupt but this....you're a MONSTER!!!"

"Yeah. And you're finished." replies the black lantern as he slowly walks up to the newly alive Dozer, his eyes full of unspeakable horror.

What happens next is too vile for words, the night air is shattered by the tiny screams of a Dozer as he gets slaughtered.



The Touring Battalion of Commandos: All dead.

Xavier's Annihilation Squad: Black Lantern Josh Houslander survives.

XAVIER'S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTIORIOUS!!

Pre-Season Match - Better Than All of You vs Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets
Count Dooku, Hammer Bros #11 and Ewok Baby #1 & #2

Better than All of You!
Super Sonic & Zombie Predator #2

Listen to find out who is victorious!



or click this link

Pre Season Battle: Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Logical Genocide

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are Xio Jade, Junkeon #17 and Black Lantern Al Dogg.

Logical Genocide is Predator #48, Mungo w/a Demon Rod and Hector w/ a Devil Lance.



The Danger Room is activated to Training Program #409-SX-02…. The Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California. “Yo, Mungo, I think weez at da 83rd Acdemys Awardz!” exclaims Hector. “Huh, dat’s werd Hekter,” Mungo responds. The orchestra begins to play as the stage opens up with James Franco and Anne Hathaway walking out. But before they can begin their most likely terribly scripted monologue, the Franco/Hathaway robots are destroyed by Junkeon #17 who squeals onto the stage in his motorcycle form. He quickly transforms and shouts “And the winner is….Cadillac Cats! Yes, act now, destroy the cats, eliminate even the toughest stains!” Junkeon #17 blasts Mungo away before he can even raise his Demon Rod to use it. “Yo bro! Dat ain’t cool!” Hector yells back as he jumps over the front row, behind holograms of Halle Berry and Jeremy Renner. The Junkeon then is blasted in the back by something high above the giant Oscar statue that’s on stage. “Ackk!” yelps the transformer. “Now to present the award for Best Actor in Supporting Role… Xio Jade!”
The evil female Sith leaps out of the Orchestra Pit and ignites her lightsaber. She instantly raises her hand and Force pushes the giant Oscar statue down. This causes their mystery opponent to reveal himself. Predator #48 turns off his cloaking device and engages the Sith in battle. Being the cunning hunter that he is, Predator #48 is well aware that his weapons cannot defend against a lightsaber, so he keeps a fair amount of distance between himself and his opponent. He fires several blasts from his shoulder rocket, but Xio Jade blocks them with her lightsaber. She then uses the Force to crush the shoulder mounted weapon. “Accepting the award on behalf of Heath Ledger is Junkeon #17,” exclaims the transformer as he tries to attack the Predator. But Predator #48 throws one of his glaive and decapitates the Junkeon. The transformer’s headless body crumples to the ground and falls off the stage into the “audience.” “Daaammnn Dogg! Way to go, bro!” exclaims Hector.
Hector then is levitated out from behind the row of seats in a glow of black energy. “Yo, what gives?!” shouts the Jersey born Cadillac Cat. “Back the f#@k up, Black Lantern Al Dogg is in da house!!!” exclaims Black Lantern Al Dogg. “You know after dying sixteen times now, the power that be, FINALLY gave me something that will do me some good.” Hector tries to hit his foe with his Devil Lance, but the cursed weapon has no effect on the zombified super powered being. The man so nice they’ve had to bury him, well you get the point, uses his new found Black Lantern powers to rip the heart right out of Hector and consume its energy. Xio Jade manages to get in close to the Predator and slices his side with her lightsaber. The Predator then retreats back behind the stage where robots of E! News correspondents Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic are currently waiting. They attempt to get a comment from the Predator, but much like I’m sure most of the actual award winners from that night would like to do, he guts both of them with his giant retractable claws. Black Lantern Al Dogg then uses his Black Lantern powers to blast through the stage backdrop and flies ahead of Xio Jade after Predator #48. He finds the Predator bleeding out all over the table of envelopes and Oscars. His gauntlet begins to beep as its self destruct counts down. “Oh no you don’t motherf#*&er! Your heart is mine!” yells Black Lantern Al Dogg as he tears open the chest of Predator #48 and consumes his heart. He then grabs Xio Jade and flies out of the Danger Room before the Predator’s nuclear weapon goes off.

GRIFFIN’S HIGH MAINTENCE DOPE FIENDS AND DESTROYERS ARE VICTORIOUS!!

UDATED: Pre Season Battle: The Transfoamers vs Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make A New Family

The Transfoamers are Arthur Bishop, CIA officer Bryan Mills, and John Cena.

Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family are Monarch, Ramona Flowers (w/Star Sapphire Ring), Nichol Valdez and Smurf #7.



Ramona Flowers lead Nichol Valdez and Smurf #7 into the Danger Room as it morphs and transforms around them. They soon see the glitz and glamour that is the Las Vegas Strip as the Danger Room takes shape. “YES! Vegas!” yells Nichol. “Really? I didn’t know that you wanted to go to Vegas that badly,” asks Ramona. “Hey it’s not Michigan, so I’m happy,” Nichol responds. “But how are we going to ever find our opponents?” And with that statement, The Transfoamers make themselves known. Bryan Mills shoots Smurf #7 dead as John Cena picks up Nichol Valdez and body slams her. He then waves his hand is his own face and yells “You can’t see me!” Ramona flies into the air, courtesy of her Star Sapphire ring, and takes a shot at the pro wrestler. Cena, however, blocks the energy blast with his championship belt (What? It HAS to do more than just spin… right?...RIGHT?). Nichol recovers from the body slam and smacks John Cena over the back of the head with a satchel filled with $80,000 in Bellagio chips that she found lying next to her. This allows Ramona to incinerate “the Champ” with her power ring.
“Wow, well that was interesting,” Nichol says. But before Ramona could respond to her teammate, Bryan Mills begins shooting at the two girls. They duck for cover inside the Planet Hollywood Casino. “Where the hell is Monarch?!?! He’s supposed to be our leader. Ok, whatever, we’ve got to get a game plan together here Nichol,” says Ramona. But when she turns to her teammate, she is no where to be found. “Nichol?? She then looks on the ground to find Nichol with a Ace of Spades sticking out of her throat.
Bryan Mills then leaps off of the Mezzanine and tackles Ramona onto one of the craps tables. Chips go flying everywhere as the two battle it out. Ramona kicks Bryan off of her and takes cover over in a row of slot machines. She sees the CIA agent coming back after her, so she takes aim with her Star Sapphire ring and….nothing. Shocked, Ramona Flowers looks at her hand and sees that she is missing her ring. She then looks up and sees that Mills is holding it. Ramona then hears a creaking and is crushed to death by a Sea Monkeys Slot Machine. Arthur Bishop steps out from behind the row of slot machines and smirks at the defeated Ramona.
“What was that?” asks Mills. “That’s all you do? Just tip over a slot machine?” “It got the job done, didn’t it?” replies Arthur Bishop. There is then a massive energy blast that rips apart the entire poker table area of Planet Hollywood as Monarch appears. In typical Horsemen fashion (he was recently traded to the Super Kitties in the much talked about trade with the Horsemen of Apokolips) Monarch had taken his time in arriving to the battle, due to his absolute arrogance and belief that The Transfoamers were simply weren’t worth his time. Both Mills and Bishop rush towards their foe, but Monach raises a hand in almost utter distaste and vaporizes them in an instant.

LAYANDER’S SUPER ORANGE KITTIES AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER TO MAKE A NEW FAMILY IS VICTORIOUS!!!

The Abomitrons Vs The Horsemen of Apokolips

The Abomitrons are
Immell #10 (w/ a blue lightsaber): Jedi Fire , Immell #11 (w/ a red lightsaber): Raven Knight , Immell #14: Tammell , Immell #16: Death Hammer , Immell #18 (w/ a Zapper): Dr. Ray Wookie , Immell #19 Zombie Bullock

The Horsemen of Apokolips are
Dazzler KISS: Gene Simmons with a Red Lightsaber, Ace Frehley with the Heat Axe (from Shining Force), Paul Stanley with the Atlas Axe (from Shining Force), Peter Criss with the Halberd (from Shining Force)


The two teams are beamed into the danger room which is set to Tiger Stadium, Detroit, Mi 1996.

Kiss is on stage along with dazzler. And the Abomitrons end up back stage in the dressing room.

Jedi fire: So we cant go out there and attack them head on or the fans will rip us apart, and Dazzler is going to be super strong with all this music. So anybody got a plan?

Raven Knight: Jedi Fire, Tammell and Death Hammer you three set up behind the P.A system for an ambush. Dr. Ray Wookie you get there attention and lure them back here, it shouldn’t be that hard you smell like 10 Jamaicans slap boxing in a elevator. And you look like goat vomit.

Jedi Fire: Well he smells like goat vomit more then he looks it.

What The Fuuuuuuh, rip, spssshh, gurgal.

“everyone turns around with weapons drawn, to zombie bullock having consumed Tammell’s face and now working her way to the brains from the eye socket.”

Raven Knight: Come on Death Hammer you were supposed to be watching her! Dude now we don’t have them out numbered! Get her back on her leash!

Suddenly the room lights up with blinding beautiful light.

Dazzler: Quick start playing your music it will make me stronger.

Dazzler creates a defining dome of sound around the Immells they begin to bleed from every orifice and when I say every orifice I mean every last one. What would seem to be like one last desperate act Jedi fire launches a barrage of star bolts ,which in a stroke of dumb blind luck she manages to knock out the 32 bit holographic projector.

Danger room: system failure, Switching to default setting.

Dazzler moves in for the kill when suddenly the floor beneath her gives way and she falls into a blender like pit and is turned into mutant juice.

Raven knight : Its on now ladies.

Ace Frehley shoots a fireball from his guitar at Dr. Ray Wookie completely burning all hair from his body . While stunned by the 3rd degree burns covering him, Peter Criss lops off the front of Dr. Ray wookie’s face. As Ace and Peter high five, zombie bullock approaches from behind and takes a huge bite out of Ace Frehleys back, He turns to defend himself only to have the front of his neck violently torn out and the dirty hands of zombie Bullock reaching through the cavity of his neck in a attempt to gain access to his brains. Peter Criss acts fast and destroy the brains of both zombie Bullock and Ace frehley.

Gene Simmons: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Paul Stanly : its ok gene, ace is in a better place now.

Gene Simmons: I don’t care about that, the life insurance policy I had on him does not cover zombie attacks.

Peter Criss severed head falls to the ground blood spewing from where the head once was. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley race to face raven knight who has silently teleported in behind Peter Criss. it’s a two on one melee. But raven knight is clearly the better swords man. He easily disarms Paul Stanley but Star child freezes raven knight in his tracks giving gene the opportunity to dismember him.

Paul Stanley: OH NO! They’ve killed him.

Gene Simmons: Don’t worry about it my insurance covers light sabers.

Jedi Fire approaches and engages the two in combat. With a hard round house kick to the face Paul Stanley is out cold. Enraged she turns her attention to Gene and starts to powerfully slash at Gene with the light saber. Simmons being weaken by doing a full two hour set in full make up and after suffering from the loss of such a great investment in ace Frehley’s life insurance. He falls to one knee.

Jedi Fire: how does it feel to know that I am about to violate you with every inch of this saber.

Gene replies with a burst of flames from his mouth. Jedi fire screams in agony as her face melts off, and with one quick snap the demon puts her out of her misery.
ABOMITRONS ALL DEAD.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are VICTORIOUS!

Pre-Season: The Backyardigans vs The Untouchables

The Backyardigans are:
Dark Phoenix, and the formidable Rescue Rangers- Chip and Dale.

The Untouchables Are:
Woody the Sheriff
Buzz Lightyear
Tow Mater
The Burger King
The Care Cousins: Brave Heart Lion, Bright Heart Raccoon, Cozy Heart Penguin, Gentle Heart Lamb, Lotsa Heart Elephant, Loyal Heart Dog, Noble Heart Horse, Playful Heart Monkey, Proud Heart Cat, Swift Heart Rabbit and Treat Heart Pig.

"The Horror... The Horror!
Oh god... so much blood.. so much..."

The pool of blood at Woody's feet continued to spread. Far more blood than Woody felt should even be contained within the tiny bodies of his companions. Woody was covered in it, from his pull string to his clicking plastic boots...

"Woody, old friend... you're alive! I don't know how you managed to survive but you did! HA!!! HAHA! That's great!" said Buzz.

"Ok Woody, buddy, pal... come on, it'll do no one any good just standing here, lets go..." he continued.

"Ok Buzz... but promise me that we won't forget about them, they were so brave... they didn't even flinch.."

Buzz was confused at this moment, He assumed everyone had scattered when the Dark Phoenix arrived... in the heat of battle the Untouchables had managed to dismember the chipmunks with relative ease based on sheer numbers alone, Chip and Dale were now chunks... strewn across the danger room floor. Buzz had run off in an attempt to hijack the Danger Room controls to give them a fighting chance against whatever else the Backyardigans had brought to the fight and on his way he saw the phoenix descend on the group.

"What do you mean they didn't flinch? I heard their screams... I heard them begging for mercy... I heard Tow Mater crying asking "the great mechanic in the sky" for help..."

"Yes Buzz... but help wouldn't come... she pulled him apart and then she wouldn't let them move... while she made me do things... unspeakable things... to the Care Cousins.." Woody said quietly.

"You?! she made You do what?" Buzz stopped in his tracks..

Slowly woody turned towards Buzz, a small ball-peen hammer that had been blown off Tow Mater in his hand.. It may as well have been a giant mallet in his tiny cloth hands...

"heh... She made me do this" woody said in a voice not his own...
Buzz suddenly found himself unable to move... "Woody no.. common pal, I know you're in there... fight her!"

"Oh your little cowboy friend is fighting me Mr. Lightyear.." She said using Woody's voice twisted by her power "but it's not going to do any good. For I am the Dark Phoenix, arguably the most powerful telekinetic force you will ever encounter in your short little life..."

It was then that Woody Began his dark work, screaming for mercy inside his own brain, incapable of stopping the hammer as it rose and fell smashing his friend into shards of plastic and sparking electronics...

"Too infinity.. and beeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyuuuh..." the built in voicebox slowed to an inhuman drone as the last bit of life left the space mans eyes...

"Well then..." said Phoenix... "I'm sorry that I made you do that to your friend.. but do you have any idea how boring it would have been for me to just kill you one by one?"

"Oh no.. no... don't speak." she continued "there's really no point, we're through here... there's just one last loose end."
And with that she crushed the toy cowboy's head, and used Woody's string as a garrote to strangle the helpless burger king.

The Untouchables: All Dead.
Despite the loss of Chip and Dale The Backyardigans are victorious!

George Washington’s Slaves Vs Xavier’s Annihilation squad

George Washington’s Slaves are Starship trooper #1, Starship trooper#2 ,metroid #18

Xavier’s Annihilation squad is B.A. Baracus, Bonk, Ninja Gaiden, Rouge the Bat

The two team’s are beamed into the danger room. Starship trooper#1 and #2 both bolt for a tactical position as soon as there feet touch the ground, Metroid #18 slowly begins to follow them.

Mean while on the other side of the room, B.A. Baracus is woozy from the trip, he assumes its from the drugs.

B.A: Awww man wear the hell am I now, witch one of ya’ll drugged me. Was it you baby? Let me out a here baby, I ain’t got time for this jibber jabber!

Ninja Gaiden: He’s wifh me. Reave him arone, or I kell you!

Rouge the Bat: yea, he’s with me two.

Ninja gaiden: Shut it b#*%h!

EXCUSE ME CAN I HAVE EVERYONES ATTENTION UP HERE AT THE CONTROL ROOM..

Its Griffin Poteracki of Griffin’s high maintenance dope fiends and destroyers.

Hey guys how’s it going , I just wanted to talk to you all about something before we start the match. Now I know that I promised we would have color commentators for this match , and I know that I took up a collection from most of the players in the league to do so. But here’s the thing. I was surfing my way down town on the back of my head coach black lantern Al dog , and we were suddenly flagged down by a young black man, this young black man informed use that he had a plethora of moderately priced narcotics, and with one look at each other Al and I knew this was a sign from a higher power. So we spent all the money on crack and heroin. Sorry well get ya back next time. Now lets get this match going.

The Danger room suddenly springs to life with a swarm of robots and pit falls.

The 2 troopers are quickly surrounded, but easily mow down the advancing robots. It is not so easy however to locate their primary targets. Suddenly they spot something closing in.

Starship trooper # 2: What the F#*K is that!
Starship trooper #1: It’s some kind of flying brain bug. Shoot it!

Metroid # 18 is killed by friendly fire.

Starship trooper #1: Col. Jenkins would cry like a little b***h if he found out we blew the brains out of a brand new brain bug.

Starship trooper #2: I know he’s turned into such a fa***t

OUT OF NO WHERE
Rouge the Bat Swoops down with ninja gaiden on her back, the two charge at the troopers. Ninja gaiden deflects the bullets of the trooper with ease, He begins to run up the wall then leaps back to the floor, now back to the wall, now he’s right on top of Starship trooper #2, with one strike he cuts the trooper in half hotdog style. Starship trooper# 1 uses the fate of his friend to narrowly escape the ninjas clutches by hitching a ride on a passing missile. Ninja gaiden turns to see that his teammate was not as lucky as him, she took trooper#1’s full clip to the face.

Ninja gaiden regroups with what is left of his team, B.A is battling a robot and Bonk is lifeless on the floor. Ninja gaiden cuts the robots head off.

Ninja gaiden: wut happin to mi frend?

B.A: He just ran at the sucker, jumped up in da air and came down head first! Why would he do that, his heads already to big for his frail little body.

Ninja gaiden: It was good death.

While they were distracted a team of robot x-men have surrounded the two heroes. Starship Trooper #1 has taken up position atop a platform. Realizing he doesn’t have enough ammunition to kill his primary and new secondary targets, he decides to use his nuke.

Elsewhere in the building Professor Xavier Also realizes that starship trooper #1 is gana use his nuke. The professor races down the hallway plowing right over Shadowcat and Storm, he even knocks jubilee down the stairs possibly killing her. He finally reaches cerebro just before the trooper launches the nuke, and with its help he completely implodes his brain.

Shadowcat: Hey man what the hell was that all about?

Professor Xavier: Oh sorry, I rented out the Danger room to the FFL and one of those starship pricks was going to set of a nuke. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to rebuild this F*%KIN place. I don’t get any state funding for you little freaks, that s%*t comes out of my pocket.

George Washington’s Slaves : ALL DEAD

Xavier’s Annihilation squad: B.A. Baracus and Ninja Gaiden survive.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES WIN BY DQ

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos

Former Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & "Guess Who Brought Peace to Egypt Now" President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds Touring Battalion of Commandos is Batzarro, David Hasslehoff, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, Lady GaGa, Joan Jett, & Adam & Kate Hernandez.

The Syracuse Valley is (Movie) Megaton & Boomerang Bros. #2.


**Note from the watcher: If you aren’t going to read Boomerang Bros. #2’s dialogue with an over-exaggerated Australian accent than don’t even bother reading the match (Snoogans).

“G’day mate, I didn’t know I’d be battlin dese blokes with you out ere today. I mean chrikey, I got up, had some Brekkie and thought I was just gonna have me a run of the mill bog standard kinda day, I had no idea I’d be Binglin these buggers with one of the top players on the whole Valley. I figured since it’s Pre-Season an all I’d be Blueing with some bloody bludger who’d had a few to many Fosters at the boozer last night if you get what I’m sayin Mate”. Says Boomerang Bros #2 to his teammate Megatron. Megatron replies with: “Shut up flesh sack”. The Boomerang Bros. continues with: “Ahhh, not much for talkin while the match is goin I see. Well, I reckon I’ll follow your lead then mate, just know that me and me rang got your back when the Hoons show up. I must say Meggie, you don’t mind if I call ya Meggie do ya“... (No answer from Megatron). “You don’t even look the least bit scared, in fact ya look down right anxious. Me on the other hand, my clacker is as puckered as a joey’s freckle. By the by, how do ya reckon that we are walkin down the street of Boardwalk from Monopoly? I mean the blokes back at the base told me that we were gonna be nuttin out in a place called The Danger Room. Well I’ll be straight with you when I say that thimble over there doesn’t look mighty dangerous to me”.................. Uproarious laughter ensues from the mouth of Boomerang Bros. #2 and as much silence as is possibly made by an enormous creature made of Cybertronian Metal is made by Megatron. The Boomerang Bros. laughs a little bit more.

2 hours later.

Boomerang Bros #2 speaks: “Ha ha ha. Sorry to carry on like that Meggie, but that piece of piss tickled me old fella if ya know what I mean”. “I must say though Meggie, that even though this place doesn’t seem to dangerous, I can’t imagine that when The Commandos show up that that isn’t going to be to grouse. They’re the NL Champions, and I’m not sayin that we don’t have a fair go at em, but this could be rough”. Megatron speaks: “Just do what needs to be done when the time comes and shut up”. “Sorry Meggie, I’m not implyin that I’m gonna have a liquid laugh when the hoons, I mean Commandos show up, I’m just sayin that I reckon that they shant be a group of lollies when they do come around”. It is at this exact moment that The Commandos come running out of The Free Parking Section where they have been waiting all along and mount their “full-frontal attack“. The Commandos may have been quite decimated by last year’s play-off run, and this may not be their A-Team; but they are still proud NL Champions and have the utmost confidence as they rush the team that has up until this point still never made the play-offs. When this squad was first assembled, they instantly went in to talks about forming a band. Nietzsche was going to be the producer and song-writer, and was going to market the German crowds along with Hasslehoff, who was going to play rhythm guitar and sing (but only when they were in Germany). Lady GaGa was going to be the lead singer, with Joan on guitar and singing back-up. Adam and Kate, with their world-renowned skills of bass and drums from Atrium and The Used 2 Beez were of course backing up the power-driven sound that Joan was dreaming up. The band had great potential, for a couple of minutes, but Joan soon got sick of Friedrich’s whiny bulls**t and told him that she didn’t give a f%^k how deep his Existentialism was and that she could write music without his limpy, syphilis filled a&^”. At first Joan was cool with Lady GaGa being the lead singer, but after Lady GaGa instantly put on a leather jacket, died her hair & painted her fingernails jet black to steal Joan’s look, like she did to her old dead friend before she became a pop crap sensation who is “so original” Joan got pissed and kicked her out of the band. Adam and Kate stayed loyal to Joan, which led Kate to warn Lady GaGa that “if she didn’t like being kicked out of the band than she is really gonna hate being kicked in the box”. Joan Jett than saw Hoff play the guitar for 35 milla-seconds before she kicked him out of the band as well for being the worst musician of all time. Joan proclaimed that “I don’t care how much the Germans like that tool, I’d rather play with Adolf Hitler than have him back me up on guitar”. Adam added: “yeah, get out of out band you drunk fascist f#$k, and by the way: BAYWATCH SUCKED” Kate chimed in with “you suck poop dildos Hoff”. Joan Jett and her new 3 piece band (Known as Joan Jett and The Atrium Beez) then plugged in their instruments and broke into a kick-a** version of “I’m Gonna Run Away” in honor of their former Band mates. Batzarro clapped as loud as he could and exclaimed that he was their “smallest fan”. While this song is being played in the background The Valley and The Commandos finally become aware of each others presence and the battle begins. DAVID HASSLEHOFF ATTACKS!! And by attacks, I mean that he mistakes Megatron for the world’s largest toilet and tries to vomit on him. Megatron then steps on Hasslehoff with his hatred for organic beings growing ever-more. Joan breaks into a guitar solo and yells to Batzarro that he needs to make his move against the enemy. Batzarro sort of listens to the squad’s unofficial leader, but instead of attacking Megatron and his rang-wielding side-kick he goes into detective mode. After an hour or 2 of detective work he discovers that Friedrich Nietzsche is a philosopher. Megatron then vaporizes Batzarro with his lasers. Nietzsche begins to pen a manuscript about the perspectivism of each individual on the battlefield and how the impossibility of facts relates to each of their respective personalities in regards to their existential human existence and their individual emotional state. He writes the intro to his own book when Megatron walks over to the philologist and brings him right in front of his giant metal mouth. Megatron looks at Nietzsche and states that: “I have read your work flesh sack, and I assure you: God is not dead... You are looking at him”. Megatron then squeezes Nietzsche into mush. Lady GaGa begins to sneak up behind Megatron and gets her sinewy vocal cords ready to sing “Poker face” when Boomerang Bros. #2 jumps into action. The Boomerang Bros. recognizes the fact that he has regrettably annoyed the hell out of his teammate Megaton and that if the great Decepticon leader were at this exact moment to hear “Poker face” sung live by GaGa herself that it would be more than likely that he would be irritated to death. Boomerang Bros #2 throws his rang at GaGa’s head to deliver a fatal blow, which in essence saves the life of his mate Meggie. Megatron sees this act of quick-thinking and bravery by his teammate, but is unable to move quick enough to save him from being jacked in the back of the head by Joan Jett’s guitar. “I love myself for hating you” Joan says as the bloodied Boomerang Bros. falls to the ground with a head wound that is sure to prove mortal. “I’ve been bloody Larrikened by a Sheila”! The Boomerang Bros. exclaims! Joan wipes the blood from her guitar and jumps back on the makeshift stage back on the outskirts of Baltic and Mediterranean. Adam and Kate start jamming to “Riding with James Dean” as Joan belts out the lyrics but Megatron transforms into a Cybertronian Jet and pulls a strafing run which wipes out the rock trio with a “Back Lash” of “Bad Reputation”. Megatron then lands next to The Boomerang Bros. who ended up being a valiant addition to his team this day. “Will you live fleshling”? Megatron asks in his robotic amplified voice. The Boomerang Bros. responds with “I’d like to skite that she will be apples mate, but I’m afraid this show pony is Rubbish. Just tell me one thing though... (gurgle)... I saved you right? I mean, we’re mates (gurgle) ain’t we”? Megatron kneels next to the Boomerang Bros. who’s ears work for one more second to hear the great conqueror of Cybertron say: “Yeah, we’re mates”
THE SYRACUSE VALLEY IS VICTORIOUS!

TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

TEAM is Jedi Councilman #1, Roy "Mr. Awesome" Shildt, & Bruce Lee.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Cyclops & Kahn.


The Danger Room is set to look like Missile Command, which bodes well for Mr. Awesome and his squad; but before the match can truly start Roy gets "screwed" once again by the powers that be. Cyclops, after having been the leader of The X-Men for so many years, knows every code there is to know when it comes to The Danger Room. Cyclops easily changes the setting of The Danger Room to the most basic setting that Prof. X used to have him run when he was a young student at the school. It is a grassland setting that Cyclops knows so well that he could do it blindfolded and that greatly benefits his own long-range, non-melee powers. Kahn and Bruce Lee enter into a pitched battle that would make Becks poop himself as if he were in one of his own matches but it is cut short when Mr. Awesome uses his heightened brain power and superior sperm count to toss his ukulele directly into the head of Kahn. This gives Bruce Lee the upper hand for a moment, but the superior human being of Kahn is able to overcome the ukulele interruption and deliver a perfectly placed kill blow to the neck of Lee. Kahn is weary from his battle with Bruce Lee, which is why he is taken off guard by Shildt. Roy skewers Kahn through the heart with An American Flag Pole to kill the genetically enhanced tyrant. Mr. Awesome then pauses for a moment and picks up his cell phone to get Guinness and Playgirl on a conference call to ask for a ten page spread of himself, nude over Kahn’s dead body; but before he can work out the logistics he is fried by Cyclops’ optic blasts. Cyclops has seemingly popped out of nowhere as he is hiding behind trees and bushes before they even fully appear and then getting away before they dematerialize before the eyes of the rest of the people in the match, who unlike him do not have the simulated room committed to memory. The Jedi Councilman has been doing his best to get a jump on Cyclops; but despite his heightened Jedi senses and reflexes, Cyclops is still able to stay one step ahead. Cyclops parks himself behind a large rock for cover and begins shooting at The Jedi Master. The Jedi Councilman manages to dodge out of the way of the attacks, and then uses the force to pick up the enormous boulder and throw it out of the way, relieving Cyclops of his cover and exposing him to a full-frontal melee attack. Cyclops takes a few shots at the Jedi, but The Master easily blocks the optic blasts with his lightsaber. Both competitors stop and prepare to square off when Cyclops decides to aim and open up his visor to its full capacity against the Jedi. The distinguished member of the Jedi High Council decides not to attempt to evade the wide-ranging blast and to block it with his lightsaber. This mistake proved to be his last as the immense mutant power rips through both the lightsaber and force-barrier of the Jedi to completely melt him in place.
TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!

Preseason: Built Ford Tough vs Oblivio

Built Ford Tough is Indiana Jones w/Green Lantern Ring, Sirius Black

Oblivio is Chucky w/ Yellow Lantern Ring and Red Lightsaber, Tiffany (Bride of Chucky) w/ Star Sapphire Ring.

Danger Room is set to: "It's A Small World" ride

BFT enters the Danger Room and right away notices the odd choice of setting. "What is this? Some kind of joke?" questioned Indy "Why would someone stage a fight here?"

"Well, obviously this is some type of test of our focus.If you can actually keep your focus while having that obnoxious song constantly drilled into your head surrounded by those creepy looking children you should be able to handle just about anything thrown at you this season." replied Black. "Now hush, I sense a bit of dark magic in the area. Here's take this. It's a small magic powder that should protect you from curses."

"What's in it?"

"A few things mystic items, some snake venom, so-"

"SNAKES? I HATE SNAKES! KEEP THE SH** TO YOURSELF." Indy screams as the glow of his ring slightly flickers due to the fear that has entered his heart.

"Fine, muggle, fine. Keep your voice down. I'm going to investigate the area. I'll howl if I spot them" Sirius then changes into his dog form, gets into one of the ride's boat and leaves as Indy very shakily flies off into the heart of the ride looking for Oblivio.


Little does Dr Jones realize his outburst will have grave, GRAVE ramifications for him.


Meanwhile, the members of Oblivio huddle together and have their own quick team meeting.

"I tella ya what Tiff. I need to get the f%*k outta hear before I lose my g*d@&&& mind. THis f%**ing song is killing my. I need to kill someone. Now!" says Chucky.

"Quiet Chuck. If we can just stand still, maybe we can take our opponents by surprise and end this quick."

"Blend in?? Are you high doll?? We're both glowing like f**king Christmas trees in here!!!! I'm going to..." Chucky then hears Indy's earlier outburst and gets a sadistic smile across his face "Heh. don't like snakes, huh? That's good to know. Be right back, doll. I'm gonna go ease my nerves by getting me an easy kill."

"Ok honey, have fun."

Tiffany takes off in the other direction, ignoring the constant chorus of "It's a small world after all. It's a small. Small. World. It's a world of laughter.." when suddenly her ring alerts her to a loss of love in the area. She looks beneath her, and sees a boat go past but doesn't see that Sirius is laying underneath the bench in his dog form. He spots the glowing pink form of Tiffany and as he passes underneath her, he changes back into a man, pulls his wand and yells "STUPIFY" firing a bolt at Tiffany's back and sends her crashing into the water.

As Sirius jumps out of the boat to check on his fallen foe, let us check on what the intrepid Professor Jones is up to.

Indy has landed on one of the areas where the cherub faced children sing to tourists about a world of hope, and is looking around for any sign of opposition when he hears a faint fshOOM behind him. He turn around just in time to see Chucky leaping at him, trying to stab him with his lightsaber. Luckily for Indy, his mind works quickly enough to form a suit of green energy mid evil armor, saving him from getting stabbed. As Chucky lands in a heap, Indy remarks "Hey, you know what? That thing of yours looks..familiar. I think I dug something like that up once a long time ago but never knew what it did."

"It's a lightsaber, idiot. And I'm gonna use it to chop off your f**king HEAD" screams Chucky as he leaps to his feet and charges the adventuring archeologist.

"No. I don't think so." replies Indy and calmly has his ring create a green lightsaber to ward off Chucky.

Remember Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith? The part where Yoda and the Emperor have that lightsaber battle? Well, that's pretty much what happens here, but without all the Force throwing of senate seats. It's pretty cool.

Anyway, the skirmish eventually ends up with Indy kicking Chuck into the water, causing his lightsaber to flicker out for a second. Indy goes in after his, but is unable to find the murderous doll due to all the boats passing by. He then hears Sirius yells something out, and goes off to see what his team mate is up to.

"I gotta do something about that ring." thinks Chucky "Ah. I got it." and the evil Oblivio member flies off to find his victim.

Indy finds Sirius as he's searching through the murky water, trying to find the stunned Tiffany "What are you doing man?" says Indy "Just kill the damn thing and help me finish off the demonic midget I've got after me"

"I need to find the body so I can know exactly what form of dark magic we're dealing with." replies Black calmly "It should be stunned for a while, since it's not pure sorcerer magic but a sort of enchantment clumsily used by a muggle. Keep your head about you and give me time to investigate properly."

Suddenly, a gigantic yellow serpent explodes out of the water in front of them.

"SNAKE!!!!" screams Indy who leaps out of the water and fires a bolt of energy at the construct, too fearful to really use his ring properly.

"Indy, NO!" yells Black but it's too late. Dr Jones' hastily fired blast misses the snake, but hits a hanging power cord, sending it crashing into the water where it electrocutes both Tiffany and Sirius Black.

"Calling Dr Jones!!! Heh hahahaha HA!" cries out Chucky as he swoops out of the sky and is finally able to cut the head off of Indiana Jones as he scurries to get away from the yellow energy created snake.

"Well, that takes care of that." says Chucky "Too bad about Tiff, but I can finally get the f**k outta this obnoxious place. Sucks that that g*****n song is stuck in my head now." As Chucky exists the Danger Room, he begins to sadistically sing "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears.."


Built Ford Tough: All dead,

Oblivio: Chucky survives


OBLIVIO IS VICTORIOUS

The Tijuana Taco Benders vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

“In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.”
-Jay

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Pre-Season Match located in the Danger Room. They are as follows:

The Tijuana Taco Benders- Deadpool Corps: Lady Deadpool, Headpool, Dogpool and Kidpool.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies- Etrigan the Demon and Jay and Silent Bob with Suzanne.

The Danger Room spews forth a number of projectiles and obstacles for the teams to contend with while they also attempt to focus on their enemies.

Headpool rolls over to Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: What the hell is this piece of $h%t? A f@&kin’ head? A f@&kin’ head?

Silent Bob shrugs his shoulders.

Jay: You know Bob, I was the f@&kin’ kickball champion in fourth grade! Let’s see what I can do with this!

Headpool: Listen you stoned piece of garbage. . .

Headpool is not allowed to finish his statement before Bob rips him from the ground and rolls him across the floor. Jay kicks the bodiless-head and it flies across the room. Suzanne cheers as Headpool is impaled on a stake jutting from the floor. The stake keeps the head in place as he screams at the trio.

Headpool: You think this stake is going to keep me from you?!?! No way! I’m coming to get you all. . . once I get off this stake that is!

Headpool rotates his head around and slowly begins to rise up the stake. As Headpool is about to fall off, a large object smashes into the jutting pole and crushes the head.

Jay: One for Jay and Silent Bob! (looks at Suzanne) Oh. . . and for you too!

Dogpool rushes at the three.

Jay: Oh Sh%t! That dog is wearing a costume! Just like those little f@&kin’ Beverly Hills Chihuahuas!

Dogpool leaps at Suzanne and rips her throat out. Suzanne attempts to say something, but only bloody gurgling is heard. Dogpool then focuses on Jay, who accidentally trips and falls to the ground. As Dogpool is about to land on Jay, a spear, shot from the wall, hits Dogpool and pins the fierce beast to the wall located across the room. Dogpool’s guts dribble to the floor below.

Jay (gets up): You know what Bob!?!?

Bob motions the number two on his finger.

Jay: That’s right motherf@&cker! Two for Jay and Silent Bob!!!

Kidpool jumps over to the two burnouts. He wields his lightsabers back and forth in a frenzied display.

Jay: Oh $h%t! That kid’s got mad skills!

Kidpool rushes at Jay and is picked up by Etrigan before he reaches the long-haired stoner.

Etrigan:

Little Boy Red,
Go wield your sabers;
Nothing to me,
I’m doing Jay and Bob a favor.

Going to rip you apart,
Going to make you cry;
Not long on this Earth,
Because now you’re going to die!

Etrigan crushes Kidpool’s arms and the youth drops the sabers. Etrigan then rips the young boy’s head off and chucks it on top of another pole, which juts from the ground.

Jay: Damn! You’re so. . . demonized!

Etrigan wanders off, looking for his next prey.

Lady Deadpool comes upon Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: Me likee your costume! You’re so sweet, I’m thinking that you’re worthy of me (obscene motions follow) beating my meat!

Lady Deadpool does not allow his pornographic moves to continue. She uses her swords to slice Jay in three pieces. She then focuses on Silent Bob- who is no longer silent.

Silent Bob: You know, just because my friend objectified you in the way he did, does not mean that my fate should be the same as his. Remember, I may be a dude that cannot fly on an airplane due to absolutely discriminatory practices, but that does not mean that I am any less of a person.

Lady Deadpool: You are to me.

Silent Bob meets the same fate as his friend, only he is cut in two, not in three, like Jay.
Etrigan walks up behind Lady Deadpool.

Etrigan:
A beauty you are,
To any man’s eye;
But I am a demon,
Who wishes to see you fry.

Etrigan projects flames of mystical hellfire which fries Lady Deadpool.

Etrigan:
I am the final Murderfly,
For I truly represent;
But now I am tired,
I’m just so spent.

Etrigan walks through the opening of the Danger Room to the outside world.


The Tijuana Taco Benders- All Dead.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies- Etrigan the Demon survives.

BROCK SAMPSON’S FIGHTING MURDERFLIES IS VICTORIOUS!!!

Le'Napoleon Brigade vs. The Right Wing

“Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.”
-Osmosis Jones


I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Pre-Season Match located in the Danger Room. They are as follows:

Le’Napoleon Brigade: Hynn, Steve Wiebe, Andrew Laidlaw and Phil Day.

The Right Wing: (Black Lantern) She-Hulk and Osmosis Jones.

Steve Wiebe, Andrew Laidlaw and Phil Day are huddled together in the middle of the Danger Room. The three gaming champions strategize on how to conquer their current plight. The three figure that since they have demolished the evils faced in a video game, they will be more than a match for any form of danger confronted in reality.

Wiebe: Nothing to be afraid of guys! It’s just like jumping over the barrels to get to the monkey!

The three break away from one another and focus on the task at hand.

A panel in the floor opens and flaming, wooden barrels burst forth. Wiebe sees the barrels rolling toward him and smiles. Like his avatar Mario, Wiebe begins to jump over the oncoming hurdles. The last barrel rolls past his feet. Wiebe lands with the utmost grace.

Wiebe: I AM THE KING OF KONG!

As Wiebe screams his moniker, Osmosis Jones jumps into the gamer’s mouth. Although a leukocyte, Jones has turned to “evil” ways because of BL She-Hulk’s presence. Jones quickly travels down Wiebe’s gullet and into his nether regions.

Jones: You may be the King of Kong, but now I’m the King of your Dong!

Jones uses his lymphatic abilities and causes Wiebe to urinate himself. Wiebe’s pants blotch and a stream of urine dribbles down his leg into a pool beneath his feet. Wiebe begins to pout, but his embarrassment is short lived as a black energy construct (in the form of a large mallet) crushes him.

BL She Hulk: How ironic!

BL She-Hulk then uses her ring’s powers to pick up Andrew Laidlaw and throw him across the room. Laidlaw crashes into the ceiling and falls to the top of a pillar which juts from the room’s ground. The pillar begins to rise toward the ceiling. Laidlaw is sure to be crushed. As he is about to be smashed, he looks at his Galaga brother-in-arms, Phil Day. Day knows what he must do. Day climbs up the mini towers leading to the top pillar and jumps to Laidlaw. Laidlaw finally shrugs off the brunt of the previous BL blow and looks at Day. They smile and wrap themselves in each other’s arms. Their hold looks oddly familiar.

Day: Just like the double-ship move in Galaga.

The two jump from tower to tower down from their initial location and land safely on the ground. As they smile longingly at one another, a black energy tendril rushes at them. It is blocked by a blue-energy construct projected by Hynn.

Hynn: Let me handle this!
In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars—

BL She-Hulk does not allow Hynn to finish his mantra-“For hope burns bright!” The power of the black lantern ring, as well as the strength of She-Hulk is too much for Hynn. Hynn is ripped apart.

On the ground, Osmosis Jones, who has been relieved from Wiebe’s body, enters into Day.

Day hears a cackling echo in his brain. It is Jones.

Jones: -m skt n. . . m skt mn. . . I’m skt man. . . I’M THE SKAT MAN!

Jones rips through Day’s digestive system and Day begins to soil himself. Day’s diarrhea refuses to stop. Day becomes instantly weakened as his body becomes dehydrated from the loss of so much fluid in so short a time. Laidlaw attempts to assist his teammate, but his face contorts at the nauseating smell. Laidlaw then begins to vomit.

Jones is dispelled from Day and looks at the sight of Day soiling himself and Laidlaw vomiting over himself.

Jones: This is just. . . so wrong. . . but it feels. . . so right! Take it away BL!

BL swoops in. The two weakened Brigade members look up to see a smile creep upon BL She-Hulk’s face.

BL She-Hulk: Goodbye gentlemen.

BL She-Hulk rips out the hearts of both Day and Laidlaw, who die in their own vomit and feces, but alas, in each other’s arms.

Le’Napoleon Brigade: All dead.

The Right Wing- (Black Lantern) She-Hulk and Osmosis Jones live.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!

PreSeason: Alice's Wonder Team vs Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

Alice's Wonder Team is:
Afterlife Alice Abernathy, Goblins #6-8

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is:
Green Lantern #1, Samurai #15

The Danger Room is set to: Feudal Japan.

Goblins 6 and 8 trail behind Alice Abernathy and Goblin #7 as they all travel the countryside, searching for the members of the Kennelz.


Goblin 6: Hey, is it me or are all odd numbered Goblins suck ups? Look at mr "high and mighty" up there kissing up to miss Afterlife there. Thinks she's all great since she's got a proper name. Makes me sick.

Goblin 8: Dude, chill out. It's no big deal. Get on point.

G6: Yeah, yeah. I know. Just kinda bugs me, seeing such blatant apple polishing. I don't see what the big deal is. She's not even wearing what she wore in the movie. Where's the blue dress and the white rabbit?

G8: Wait, what? I don't think that's her. That's the Alice who went to Wonderland. I think she's the singer who sings "Feed my Frankenstien" and "I'm 18"

G6: That makes no sense. Why send a singer into battle? That's stupid. That'd be like sending those humans who wrote that song about me to fight.

G8: There's a song about you?

G6: Duh. Yeah. Far East Movement. You know. "Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now I’m feelin so fly " Dude, they wrote that about me.

G8: Flerg off. You're full of...

Suddenly, both goblins fall to the ground holding their heads as a voices screams inside their skulls

Alice: IDIOTS. Shut. Up and get serious. This isn't a game. Pay attention to what's going on.

G 6-8: Sorry.

G8: Way to go, merzelspitz. Now the maid from the Brady Bunch is all upset and thinks we're lame.

G6: Ok, first off. Why would a maid go fight? Think about it. Second. You guys are all just haterz who don't have songs about you and are trying to bring me down, which is really sad. Third. I think these Alice cracks are played out now, time to represent. I'm on point. I'm deadly. I wish those Lurve kidz would show up. I'd be all like "Yo. What's up? You wanna go? Don't start what you can't fini..."


"WONDER TEAM!!!" Samurai 15's voice booms out "We ask you this only once. Surrender to us and avoid the inevitable bloodshed that is to follow"

G6: Oh. HELL. NO. You done lost your mind fool. We got you outnumbered 2 to 1, plus I'm ready to throw down now that you done scuffed my pumas.

G8: Pumas? You're not wearing shoes.

G6: It's an expression. Deal with it later, holmes. It's on now. I'm bout to carve up this fooooool and feast upon the marrow in his bones.

G8: I've still never heard that Puma expression before.

Both Goblins continue to argue as up ahead, Goblin 7 shows that not all Goblins are ridiculous morons that can be used for silly dialogue and begins to battle Samurai 15 as Alice stands back to watch.

Goblin 7 is promptly killed.

Samurai 15 stands over G7's corpse and begins to wipe the blood off his sword when suddenly his mind starts reeling. "You have killed an inferior. You may as well have slaughtered a defenseless child. You have no honor."

"What have I done?" thinks the noble Japanese Warrior? "My blade is stained forever stained with a needless kill. My honor is tainted." "Yes" repeats the voice "You know what you must do."
"Hai" says the proud warrior as he turns his blade upon himself and commits suicide, not realizing that he has committed no sin, but has fallen victim to the telepathy of Afterlife Alice.

Alice: Well, that's half the team. Now for the other half.

Alice begins to telepathically search for Green Lantern #1, the lone survivor of the Kennelz.

"Got you Lurver boy." smirks Alice as she attempts to invade the noble emerald warriors mind as she did his fallen comrade. What Alice didn't anticipate the will power and mental focus it takes to wield the mighty green light of Oan technology and the lantern shakes off her mental attempt.

"My turn" says the lone Vicker and wills himself into a giant robobattle construct which he uses to vaporize Alice as she charges him.


Meanwhile, Goblins 6 and 8 have witnessed this entire exchange from the safety of behind some trees, both taking cover as soon as they hear the crackle of green energy and smelt the familiar ozone scent of willpower being weaponized.

"Oh man. We're so flerged. Like, totally flerged. That waitress from the tv was our only shot. Game over man, game over." cried Goblin numer 8, showing that the ALice cracks are not entirely "played out".

Goblin 6 straightens up. Gets a gleam in his eye, and deftly proclaims "Homie, it ain't over. It's just bout to get boutie boutie, and rowdy rowdy. Check this." The cocky, ghetto Goblin saunters into the open and yells "Yo! Kermit the flashlight!How bout you come on down here and try throwing hands mano e mano with a thug straight outta Moordoor?" The Goblin smirks as he sees the Lantern lands in front of him, his robobattlesuit dissipating as he approaches. The crafty Goblin begins to pull a small dagger out from behind his back, smirking, as he approaches his foe.

"Yo. You 'bout to see how we do it in my hood. Playa. Yeah, Jolly Green. I'm gonna turn you red in a second." he claims as while lunging forward to stab the lantern in the eye.

Almost instantly, a glowing green wall appears between the point of the knife and the mighty Green Lantern, causing the Goblin to break his knife and his face.

As the Goblin lay in a pool of his own blood, the willpowered warrior steps over him and nonchalantly drops a big green safe on him. Killing that jive talking sucka.

"Is there any left to challenge me??!!! " booms the mighty voice of the Lantern. His answer comes in the form of a very distinct smell. The lantern recognizes the odor of Goblin urine, and sees a small stream of it heading uphill being left behind by the surprisingly fast Goblin #7 who is desperately trying to save his own skin.

"Too easy" sighs the Lanterns as a sniper rife begins to form in his hand "Later you, scudder. Seems a shame cause I was amused by you and your buddy's banter".

The Lantern pulls the trigger and the term "he who lives to run away, lives to fight another day" is shown to be false as the Goblins head disappears in flash of bright green light.


Alice's Wonder Team: All dead.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Green Lantern #1 survives.


Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are victorious!!!

Watcher Email Addresses

Please send your teams this year directly to the watcher writing your match. There will be a link to this post over on the right in the Helpful Links section. Also, the Links section has been updated with a link to the Season 4 schedule. Use this throughout the year to check the terrain and point values for each given week and quit bugging your commish. Good luck to all... except Ed.

-Fizz

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Josh - joshhouslander [at] gmail [dot] com
Ryan - ryanpoteracki [at] gmail [dot] com
Bryan - bandtbeckerman [at] wideopenwest [dot] com
Chris S. - tragichero182 [at] yahoo [dot] com
Griffin - griffin.poteracki [at] gmail [dot] com
Nick - nickhouslander [at] yahoo [dot] com

B3: READY TO DEFEND A CHAMPIONSHIP!!!