George Washington's Slaves vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

“It's been a fun year, but everyone wants to have a good playoff run and that be the ending point for the season. We hope we're going to go far."

-Vaclav Varada

I look to the teams which will do battle at the Playoff Planet in this First Week of the Playoffs. They are as follows:

The Slaves: Amazo, Darth Plagues (w/ a red lantern ring), King Kong, Martian Manhunter, Mr. Miracle, Optimus Prime, Sandworms #14 and 15, Spongebob Squarepants, Super Soldier, Ultra Man, Yoda (w/ a green lantern ring) and B'dg.

The Murderflies: Doc Brown, Speedy Gonzalez, Jay and Silent Bob w/ Suzanne, Agent X, Darkclaw, Etrigan the Demon, Lobo, Guy Gardner (w/ a green lantern ring, a red lantern ring and The Planeteer Fire ring), G'Nort, Booster Gold, Beatrix Kiddo, Kyle Raynor, Sandworm #1, Mystery Inc: Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby, Mecha Godzilla, Ron Popeil, Teddy Roosevelt in The Punisher's Van, Vincent (from Collateral), Michael Weston and Fiona Glenanne, Dynomutt the Wonder Dog, Captain Caveman, Ernie Harwell (w/ a blue lantern ring) and Squirrel #1.

Let the battle begin. . .

Forest Region

Speedy Gonzalez: As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by Towani last week- you. . . me. . . .

Gonzalez’s face turns ashen as he looks up and sees a giant, hairy foot looming above the two rodents. Gonzalez races out of the way; Squirrel #1 is not so lucky. Squirrel #1 is squished by King Kong’s foot.

Gonzalez: OH, COME ON!!!!

City Region

Scooby’s laughter can be heard as a cloud of smoke wafts out of a small building. Mystery Inc: Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby, as well as Jay and Silent Bob with Suzanne emerge out of the haze.

Jay (shouting to the Slaves): All you m*therf@$#ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna f@$# your mothers while you watch and cry like little b*%@hes. Once we get to the next round of the playoffs and find those other FFL f@$#s, we're gonna make 'em eat our s&*t, then s&*t out our s&*t, then eat their s&*t which is made up of our s&*t that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you m*therf@$#s are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Silent Bob nods his head in agreement and sees Mr. Miracle arriving at the scene. He fades into the shadows and silently creeps away.

Mr. Miracle: My superhuman strength, agility, stamina, coordination, immunity and reflexes are more than enough to defeat all you mere humans. So-

Before Mr. Miracle is able to finish his sentence he is struck in the back of his head by Silent Bob.

Desert Region

The battle of the Sandworms takes place. The immense Dune monsters rip into one another. At the end of the conflict all Sandworms, being #1, #14 and #15 are destroyed.

City Region

Ernie Harwell uses his blue lantern ring to float just above Ron Popeil. Yoda uses his green lantern ring to meet the two elderly icons.

Yoda: Respect for you I have, though die you both must.

Yoda flies at Popeil. Popeil has created a cortosis shield which he pulls from his Popeil-pack. As Yoda slashes down at the huckster, his lightsaber shorts out. Yoda looks down in disgust and uses the Force to shove Popeil into a dumpster. As Popeil raises his head, Yoda uses the Force to pin Popeil underneath the lid. As Yoda is ready to deal the death blow, he is met by a blue projectile which throws Yoda across the street. Popeil escapes his fate- temporarily.

Harwell: The little green guy just got batted past the man from Saskatoon!

Yoda begins to shake off his grogginess. Harwell and Popeil rush at Yoda. As Harwell and Popeil are about to strike the Jedi Master, Yoda reaches for his lightsaber through the Force. The lightsaber flies to Yoda and he grips the blade as the duo are upon him. In one fell swoop, Harwell and Popeil are both skewered, mortally wounded.

Yoda: Mr. Harwell and Mr. Popeil, missed you shall be. Lost have we icons in any world.

With these words, Yoda uses his ring to fly off.

Water Region

Spongebob Squarepants waits in the water. Captain Caveman flies at the sea sponge and bashes Spongebob’s head in with his club. Squarepants’ head begins to reform (since he is just a sponge).

Spongebob: What resiliency do I show!!!! Hang out with Yoda too much do I!!!

As Spongebob reforms, Dynomutt the Dog Wonder swoops out of the sky. Dynomutt rips Spongebob to shreds. Dynomutt and Captain Caveman, their mission complete, fly away.

City Region

Mr. Miracle wakes up and sees an embarrassing scene. He has been captured by “high” morons. Being that he is a master of escapism, he stealthily removes the ropes which bind his hands. Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby, as well as Jay and Silent Bob with Suzanne are unaware of the situation.

Jay (to Mr. Miracle): Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my a$$hole with the other, but don't stick your finger in. Then I want to pinky you while Silent Bob watches and f@#%in' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your #%s for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my d&*k so it looks like a bullfrog.

Mr. Miracle: You sick f@#%!

Mr. Miracle shows all around that he has broken from his bonds. The entire “weeded” clan is in shock and does not react in time before Miracle uses his powers to destroy the entire Mystery Inc, Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne. As Mr. Miracle turns from the carnage, he is met by Beatrix Kiddo.

Beatrix Kiddo: Escape this!

Kiddo comes at Mr. Miracle and uses the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Mr. Miracle walks five steps and dies.

Plains Region

In the grassy wastelands, two behemoths battle one another. Ultra Man fights Mecha Godzilla. Although Ultra Man uses his fighting skills, he is no match for the combined electrical beams, optic cannons and flamethrower of Mecha Godzilla. Mecha kills Ultra and flies away to his next battle- a battle against a dreaded nemesis.

City Region

Doc Brown: I have used the plutonium of my flux capacitor and created a mini-missile which can be used to destroy the great Optimus Prime. One of you is going to have to fire a perfect mark just above (he whispers the rest to the Murderflies in an attempt to hide the true wielder of the devastating device).

The marksmen are ready for the task. The cocky Vincent from Collateral rushes at Optimus Prime. Before he reaches his mark, he is met by the Super Soldier. The Super Soldier deflects the blaring weapons of Vincent with his shield and uses his heat-ray vision to burn Vincent’s hand that holds the gun. Darth Plagues arrives at the scene and finishes the job by slicing Vincent in half. Plagues then senses a disturbance in the force and reacts in just enough time to avoid Teddy Roosevelt from creaming him in the Punisher Van. Plagues lands on the top of the Van. The Van begins to electronically react, but not in time as Plagues’ blade burns through the Van’s top and reaches Roosevelt’s heart. The Van careens out of control, hits a building and explodes due to all the weaponry contained in same. Plagues rolls safely away.

Forest Region

King Kong searches for the Mexican mouse. He senses movement from above and sees Darkclaw, Etrigan the Demon and Lobo. King Kong’s innate and animalistic traits are unleashed in a fury. He manages to grab both Darkclaw and Etrigan the Demon. Kong repeatedly smashes their bodies together like rag dolls. Kong pummels the bodies of both against the rocks and trees of the forest until they are nothing more than bloody pulps.

Lobo: Nice monkey. . .

Kong uses a log to bat Lobo across the forest.

As Kong beats his chest in triumph, Mecha Godzilla flies to the scene and lands next to the great ape. A battle of titans ensues. As Kong reaches for Mecha, Mecha uses his flamethrower mouth to singe Kong’s face. Kong screams in agony and Mecha pounces upon the ape, using his lightning wrist blade and missile claws to further devastate Kong’s body. In a deathblow, Mecha launches plasma grenades down Kong’s throat. They explode, taking Kong’s head with them.

Lobo reaches Mecha Godzilla, who also waits for Speedy Gonzalez. The three fly off.

City Region

Michael Weston and Fiona Glenanne as well as Agent X rush at Optimus Prime. The two fire their weapons at the designated area to no avail. They look one another and then back at Doc Brown. Doc Brown is baffled and then notices that he failed to give the special weapon to any of the assassins; he had it in his pocket the entire skirmish.

Doc Brown: Oh drat!!!

Weston, Glenanne and Agent X (in unison): Oh s$%t!

Air above City Region

Martian Manhunter and B’dg are in a pitched battle against Guy Gardner (w/ a green lantern ring, a red lantern ring and The Planeteer Fire ring), G'Nort, Booster Gold, Kyle Raynor, Dynomutt the Wonder Dog and Captain Caveman. Martian Manhunter immediately focuses on the weak links of the Murderflies and uses his powers to take out both Dynomutt the Wonder Dog and Captain Caveman. Meanwhile, the squirrel-like B’dg manages to deflect the power blasts of Booster Gold back at him. Booster Gold, in effect, kills himself. Guy Gardner, G’Nort and Kyle Raynor use their combined lantern powers to destroy B’dg. In response, Martian Manhunter kills G’Nort. Manhunter is then taken out by the lantern duo of Guy Gardner and Kyle Raynor. Amazo finally enters the fray and duplicates the abilities of the original Justice League members, as well as the powers of the green lantern, red lantern and Planeteer ring. Amazo takes out both Guy Gardner and Kyle Raynor.

Final Battle-City Region

Optimus Prime moves quickly and kills Agent X, Michael Weston and Fiona Glenanne.

Prime: Slaves!!! Doc Brown has something that will destroy me forever-I need your assistance!!!

As Prime is about to kill Doc Brown, Mecha Godzilla with Lobo and Speedy Gonzalez arrive at the scene. Mecha Godzilla blasts Prime and the Transformer falls to his knees. Doc Brown knows he has to act now. He runs toward Lobo and trips. As he begins to fall he is met by Yoda’s blade. Brown crumples to the floor and before the weapon can be obtained by the Slaves, Speedy Gonzalez grabs it and rushes away. Speedy races past all of the Slaves and up to the chest plate of Prime.

Speedy Gonzalez: VIVA EL MURDERFLIES!!!

He takes the weapon into Prime. Gonzalez activates the mini-missile and Optimus Prime is destroyed in a brilliant explosion; Gonzalez is incinerated with the giant robot.

The remaining combatants stand in awe as they realize the implications of Optimus Prime’s death at the hands of Speedy Gonzalez. Gonzalez’s act provides newfound energy to the remaining Murderflies.

Beatrix Kiddo faces Darth Plagues and her katana, unfortunately, is sliced apart, as is she. Yoda then joins Plagues in their dispatching of Lobo. Mecha Godzilla reacts to being the only Murderfly left. It uses all of its weaponry upon Plagues and Yoda; both Jedi and Sith are killed.

Both Amazo and Super Soldier face Mecha Godzilla. Super Soldier manages to use his shield to deflect a majority of Mecha’s weaponry back at the robotic beast. Due to the immense battery which Mecha has taken over the match, Mecha’s mechanical powers ebb. With the mega powers of Amazo currently on display, Mecha is taken out by both he and Super Soldier.

Slaves: Amazo and Super Soldier survive.

Murderflies: All dead.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!