Fantasy Fantasy League

Season 6: Week 5.
The Super Orange Kitties are: Dark Supergirl, Flashpoint Batman, White Lantern Batman, Robin (Dick Grayson), Red X, Batgirl (Stephanie Brown), Robin (Stephanie) Catgirl, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Kingdom Come crew (Wonder Woman, Power Woman, Alan Scott, King Marvel, Lady Marvel, Red Arrow), Mas y Menos, Mr. Majestic, Black Racer, Krypto, Don-El, Van Zee, Vitar, Superman Emergency Squad #1-5, Juggernaut, Primus, Ludwig Von Koopa, Emperor Palpatine, Sith Lord #2
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are: Emperor Joker, Bat-mite, White Lantern Hal Jordan w/ red ring, Alan Scotts Green ring, and Guy Gardners Yellow ring, Blue and Green Lantern Hal Jordan, Black Lantern Sinestro, Beppo the Supermonkey, Phoenix Force, Arsenal, Indigo Lantern #2, Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, AoA Cyclops, Widdle Wade, Azazel, Artie and Leetch, Adam Warlock, Impossible Man, Space ghost, Black Lantern blip, Bowser w/Orange ring, Jedi Guardian #4, Megalon, Smart Grimlock, Pre Viszla, Nosyard Kcid

Welcome to the Playoff Planet, where hopes and dreams will be crushed yet again by me, Emperor Joker! Y'know kids, I've tried sooooo many interesting ways to kill The Kitties. The Rollercoaster of Death. Meh. Strapping them to fireworks. Better, but it just lacked that... oomf! I even tried killing them one by one with a chainsaw, but nothing has given me the satisfaction I need. So I just keep resetting the match until I get what I want!!! This time... Oh, let's see... To tell you the truth, I'm a little tuckered out so, I'll let my friends have some fun. Besides, everybody loves a death match! I'll just cover my eyes and randomly teleport the participants to various locations! That means you're up NuFaGtu! Don't make me kill you too... I mean, I might for fun anyways, but just don't make me! Hahahaha!!!
With a pat on the head and a kick in the ass I am teleported into the space portion of the playoff planet. Black racer is squaring off against Adam Warlock, Indigo Lantern #2, and Black Lantern Sinestro. "I am disappointed, Adam Warlock. I believed you would come alone." says Black Racer. Adam Warlock replies, "I do not make the rules here. In fact my cosmic awareness is making it difficult to be, heh, civil." He is interrupted by the charge of Indigo Lantern #2 and Black Lantern Sinestro, as they have no intentions of talking. The Black Racer grabs Black Lantern Sinestro by his ring hand, and simply disintegrates the ring, destroying the Black Lantern. "I am the true avatar of death. Your baubles hold no power to me." Black Racer explains. Indigo lantern #2 engages Black Racer with a blast of energy. The Black Racer shrugs it off after a moment. "The Indigo corps of compassion. Do you have compassion for death itself?" The Indigo lanterns eyes glow then he halts his attack. "So you do... Interesting." says Black Racer as he carries Indigo Lantern #2 to the Otherside. He returns in a second to Adam warlock. "As I was saying..." Warlock stops him and points to space. The sight of a speeding planet Primus ends this conversation. "I will see you soon enough Racer. We both have our parts to play... Hahaha..." laughs an increasingly deranged Adam Warlock as he teleports away. Black Racer takes his cue and also makes a hasty escape.
Sorry to interrupt that... Yawn... riveting tale, but it looks like we have a situation here at Joker Central. Primus, the Transformers planet, decided he wasn't too fond of little old me. He's flying toward the Playoff Planet in hopes of killing us all!! Lucky for us, my pet Polly the parrot isn't too fond of planets either! Right, Polly? "Phoenix Force! Phoenix Force!" Stupid bird that's all you ever say! But who am I to argue? Polly want a planet? Go get em! Haha!
The Phoenix Force flies to meet Primus in space and do what it does best, destroy planets. It in engulfs Primus in a blaze of cosmic fire. Primus knows he is doomed, but but decides to even the odds by using the almost incalculable amount of all-spark at his disposal. His last vision is of the Phoenix Force dissipating before his optics fade to black. There is nothing left but the backlash of cosmic energy, rocketing your faithful and slightly bruised watcher to the Playoff Planet.
In the water section, there's an all out war between two powerful beings: the Kherubim warlord Mr. Majestic and the monstrous beetle god Megalon. Mr Majestic is ecstatic. "Finally! A test worthy of my mettle... Barely." he says to himself, flying straight at Megalon with the idea of ending this bout with one below. Megalon isn't having any of it and starts launching napalm everywhere. Majestic does his best to avoid the attacks, but is still hit by some of the burning energy. He flies into the ocean which puts out the flames, but leaves him wide open for a lightning strike from the giant monster. Majestic is in agony as he crashes to the ocean floor. Megalon begins to crush Majestic underneath his foot. In a last ditch effort, Mr Majestic uses his laser vision to carve trenches and unbalance Megalon. He pushes off the floor of the ocean and rockets toward Megalon, unleashing a devastating uppercut to the face. Megalon flies upward through the surface of the ocean and continues to the upper limits of the atmosphere. He is met by Majestic, who then throws the beast back down to earth. He flies down to him and begins increasing their momentum as they continue to fall. The impact is immense and a giant tsunami is a result. Minutes pass before Mr Majestic finally emerges from the ocean. "Now to find the clown behind this madness." he says to himself, disappointed that it took this long to finish Megalon.
In the Plains area of the planet, the Kitties Emperor Palpatine and his apprentice Sith Lord #2 face off against the Midgets demon Azazel and the Mandalorian Pre Viszla. Lightsabers drawn on one side, a mystical sword and a darksaber on the other. Palpatine and as a Azazel attack each other furiously. Many blows are attempted, but none land as both are skilled swordsman. The battle between Sith Lord #2 and Pre Viszla is also even. Despite being neither Jedi nor Sith, he is quite adept with his darksaber. They are locked in combat when Azazel teleports behind the Sith Lord and runs him through, killing him. Azazel tells Pre Viszla to return the favor. Viszla obliges, firing a seemingly endless supply of shots from his twin energy blasters. Palpatine blocks every shot and reflects them back at Viszla using his lightsaber. There is almost nothing left of the Mandalorian to bury. Azazel uses this distraction to go to the well again, teleporting behind Palpatine for a quick assassination. The Star Wars Emperor's lightsaber greets Azazel as he appears. "Your tricks are no match for the power of the force." sneers Palpatine as the impaled demon is shocked literally and figuratively, as Palpatine shocks Azazel with force lightning for good measure. "Now to show this joker that there is only one true emperor."
The coastal part of the planet features a raging fight between the Super Pets: Krypto the Superdog and Beppo the Supermonkey. Mas y Manos of the Kitties has joined with the Midgets Nosyard Kcid, Jedi guardian #4, along with Artie and Leech. They appear to be betting on the Krypto/Beppo fight. "Es como si el animal se defiende casa!" says Mas. "De acuerdo, vamos a hacer un montan de dinero!" replies Menos. The two laugh in unison. "Why are we betting instead of fighting them?" questions Jedi #4. "And Artie and Leech probably can't gamble legally in any star system. Let's end this." "Baby, I gots to get paid, that's why." Says Nosyard Kcid. "50 on the dog," Nosyard declares as he throws his money in the pot. Jedi #4 shakes his head. "First you decline in aiding us, then you bet against us. 50 credits on the monkey." Mas y Menos yell "ole!" together as they watch this semi legal battle between animals. Before PETA can get pissed, the tsunami wave from the Mr Majestic verses Megalon fight finally reaches the shore, killing everyone.
"Oh, that's too bad, I had a couple of bucks on the monkey. Maybe next... " "Hey Joker, hey!" interupts Impossible Man. Emperor Joker is not amused. "You... All you do is step on my punch lines. I think you'll be much more useful elsewhere! Hey Kitties! Go long!" Impossible man cannot resist the grip over reality that Emperor Joker commands and turns into a Kryptonite football. The Joker throws the ball to the desert portion of the playoff planet, where Don-El, Van Zee, Vitar and the Superman Emergency Squad #1-5 are going at it with Space Ghost and Black Lantern Flip. Space Ghost manages to protect himself with a force field, but the rest are exterminated by the blast of the long bomb, including the ball itself, Impossible Man. Space Ghost craddles the skeleton of his dead companion Blip. "Why do we always hurt the ones we love?!? Banjooooo! I mean, um, what's his name again? Monkey Space Ghost? Moltar? Beppo? I know this... Banjo! Wait, I said that..." ponders that ever confused Space Ghost.
Emperor Joker is livid. "Damn! I had the monkey and that one too! Ugh! Looks like I've done enough betting for one match. Besides, I have to prepare for my guests, heh heh heh! Toodles!"
In the Arctic zone, Ludwig von Koopa is showing some serious balls by challenging his father orange lantern Bowser, the king of Koopas. The orange lantern ring sparks and an army of orange construct Marios and Luigis stomp the life out of Ludwig before falling off the ice in into the chilly water below. Seriously, those Mario Brothers ice stage were a b**** sometimes. Bowser shows no compassion for his spawn as he merely says "mine."
We head to the rumble in the jungle where things are really heating up between alleged teammates. White Lantern Hal Jordan with red, yellow and green rings is arguing with blue and green lantern Hal. "Dude, how many times have I told you? Stay away from me!" Blue and Green Lantern Hal is confused. "But I thought we'd be an awesome team! A couple of experienced ring slingers together, not to mention that we are the same guy... That probably helps!" White Lantern Hal stops him. "Listen, these rings affect us. We're not the same anymore. Ever notice how hopeful you've become since you got that blue ring? Speaking of which, the blue ring drained all of the energy from my yellow ring. And this red ring isn't working properly either! So for the last time. Get the hell away from me!!!" Their arguement is halted for now by a trio of the Kitties: Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Kingdom Come Red Arrow. Blue and Green Lantern Hal is elated. "Ollie! Dinah! Roy! Sweet! I was hoping I'd see you guys! What's new?" he says to his old friends. Green Arrow is a little taken aback. "Hal, we will always be friends, but you know how it is now. We're on different teams. We can't hang out. Not until the off-season at least." Green Arrow laments. "That's where you're wrong Ollie!" says Blue and Green Lantern Hal. "I see through the fog of the FFL. I see a league united, and an end to the senseless violence. I dream of the day when... urk." Blue and Green Lantern Hal's vision of a brighter tomorrow is cut short by an arrow through the head by kingdom Come Red Arrow. "Finally! Thank you! That guy was really getting on my nerves!" admits White Lantern Hal. "Oh, and die!" screams newly rage filled white lantern, with a now working red ring. White Lantern Hal runs at the three archers. Green arrow and Black Canary dodge the charge, but Red Arrow stands his ground, firing arrow after arrow into White Lantern Hal. Hal is mere steps from Roy Harper when he collapses. "And that's how it's done." brags Kingdom Come Red Arrow. The white ring on Hal glows, and an otherworldly voice speaks, "LIVE." White Lantern Hal Jordan rises, and continues his attack, vomiting plasma on Red Arrow, killing him. Green Arrow and Black Canary retreat to a denser area of the jungle. Hal follows, but is greeted by a punch to the face by the Juggernaut as he enters the foilage. Hal is still dazed when a double axe handle from the Juggernaut embeds him in the ground, killing him. Again the white ring speaks, "LIVE" and Hal is again resurrected. "Stupid lanterns and their stupid jewelry." gripes Cain Marko. He comes down on Hal Jordan with his massive boot, stomping him to death, as well as crushing the ring. "Looks like certain kinds of magic work against these jerks." says Juggernaut, referring to his Crimson Gem of Cyttorak. "Hey guys, it's safe now, come on out." he calls to Green Arrow and Black Canary. Of course, it's far from safe, as the remaining Midgets converge on the Juggernaut. Age of Apocalypse Cyclops fires an optic blast and Widdle Wade hacks away at the helmet with his katanas. It is close to being removed, but the Juggernaut steadies himself and grabs Widdle Wade, crushing him in one hand. Smart Grimlock bites down on Juggernaut's helmet and removes it with one chomp. Juggernaut responds with a half dozen earth shattering haymakers, which scrap the Transformer in a hurry. The Black Knight seizes this opportunity and uses his Neuro blade on the vulnerable Juggernaut. It works, although an unconscious Juggernaut falls on the Black Knight, crushing him. Age of Apocalypse Cyclops finishes off the Juggernaut with another optic blast, but he is stopped by an arrow through his remaining good eye, and subsequently, his only good brain. Age of Apocalypse Cyclops drops while the still hidden Green Arrow talks to Black Canary. "Got em! Now we just gotta find Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, and that should be it for this part of the of the Playoff Planet. Just yell if you see anything, sweetie." SNIKT. "Sure thing, Bub." assures Weapon X. Oliver Queen turns to see Black Canary gutted by Logan. Her death scream knocks both men out of the denser section of the jungle, back to a clearing. They get their bearings and both attack. Weapon X runs to Green Arrow, while Queen begins firing arrows non stop. Half are deflected by Weapon X's claws, while the others hit their mark, to little effect. Green Arrow avoids the fatal claw strike, but is driven back by a punch from X's metal stump. Ollie rolls with the punch, and gets some more distance from X. Green Arrow reaches into his quiver and realizes that only his trick arrows remain. "Ugh, not these things... God help me." laments Queen. Weapon X stops to laugh. "Come on Queen. You know it's over now, just take it like a man. I don't think the boxing glove or handcuff arrow is going to cut it against me." reasons Weapon X. "You're right... they won't" says Green Arrow. With one fluid motion Oliver Queen fires an arrow at Logan, which explodes, leaving only an adamantium skeleton. "Tactical nuke arrow, bitch. But you were right about one thing. Nobody, including me, wants to see that damn boxing glove arrow! What was I thinking? And why am I talking to a metal skeleton?" ponders Ollie as he retreives his used arrows from the corpses.
I am told that the preliminary matches are over and it's time for the main event! But first, a word from our sponsor!
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We return to this match in the urban section of the planet, currently known as Joker's funhouse. Mr Majestic, Emperor Palpatine, Black Racer, and Green Arrow arrive after their battles, and head to the entrance of the funhouse. They are greeted by Dark Supergirl at the door. Her face is smeared with Harlequin make-up. "Hey guys, table for four?" asks dark Supergirl. "What are you doing blondie? Have you lost it? You're supposed to be with us." yells Green arrow. Dark Supergirl responds "We're all on the same team now! We're all Jokers! I didn't like it at first either, but the Joker's really a great guy! Heehee. I've really fallen for him! And you will too!" A seething Emperor Palpatine has had enough. "Out of the way, you've wasted enough of my time already!" He says as he attempts to enter and grabs the doorknob. He is electrocuted to death. "Haha, no ticket!" grins the insane Supergirl. "The Joker will see you now! Have fun everybody!" she says, as the three remaining kitties are teleported inside.
Mr Majestic arrives on the set of Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. "Our next guest is a real, um, super guy! Please welcome Mr Majestic" introduces Space Ghost. A confused Majestic takes a seat. "So, Mr Majestic... What's it like to be one of the FFL's endless Superman analogues?" asks Space Ghost. An awkward pause takes place and neither man says anything. A strange buzzing sound can be heard. After a minute, Mr Majestic simply roasts Space Ghost with his laser vision. He is teleported elsewhere.
Green Arrow appears in a pitch black room. A spotlight turns on and focuses on a lone figure. It is Arsenal, the former sidekick to Green Arrow. "Emperor Joker thought it was time for me to be in the limelight. You're done Ollie." Roy Harper turns to face his former mentor. Arsenal is wearing a tattered and bloody Green Arrow costume, and his newly scarred smiling face sickens Oliver Queen. "Roy, you're like my son. We need to get you help. Forget this, forget the FFL. Let's just go." pleads Green Arrow. "Aw, after all these years, you still care... Ha! Then you leave me and I end up on the Horse... again. Thanks "Dad", but no deal!" screams Arsenal. "I'm serious. I won't leave you like this. Come on Roy, please..." begs Green Arrow. Arsenal is laughing through his tears as he drops to his knees. "Ollie... I really... heh... messed up... Just... Help me... One last time." sobs Roy Harper. "Its okay kid, I've got you." says Green Arrow, lifting Arsenal to his feet. "No Ollie, I've got you!" exclaims Arsenal as he grabs Green Arrow by the hand. A Joker buzzer in his palm begins to shock the life out of green arrow. Through the searing pain, Green Arrow fights to embrace Arsenal, which sends electricity through them both. Green Arrow's final words are spoken. "I'm not leaving you like this Roy." Both archers fall dead, the corpses smoking.
We now return to a room not found in many funhouses. A waiting room. Flashpoint Batman, White Lantern Batman, Robin, Red X, Batgirl, chick Robin, and Catgirl have been sitting here all match. "Is he going to kill us with boredom?" asks Robin. "Relax old chum, at least we're safe, for now." reassures White Lantern Batman. Finally a door opens and Flashpoint Batman leads the way. "Hold on Batman!" says White Lantern Batman. "We did things your way last time. Its my turn! Robins, Red X, Batgirl, and Catgirl,. You five scout ahead and let us know when the coast is clear!" orders White Lantern Batman as he returns to his seat. "Wait, let me get this straight." says Thomas Wayne. "Your plan is to send five kids into the unknown against the Joker and who knows what else?" "Yup!" answers White Lantern Batman petulantly. "They won't last five seconds! Great plan!" mocks Thomas Wayne. "Thanks! Okay kids, you heard em! The plan is great! Move out!" "Yes sir!" says Robin, smiling as he salutes White Lantern Batman. White Lantern Batman smiles and gives the thumbs up. The team walks through the door. Four and a half seconds later, their body parts are spewing back into the waiting room. "So, I can deduce that there's danger ahead. Hmmmm..." says White Lantern Batman. "Damn it, Bruce..." says Thomas Wayne angrily as he slaps the white lantern in the back of his head. "At least use your ring to bring them back to life." "Nonsense!" says White Lantern. "I'm sure I'll find a new sidekick or two in the next room." White Lantern Batman heads for the exit while a flabberghasted Thomas Wayne hold his face in his hands in frustration. "Unbelievable... my son is an idiot..."
The next room is a bridge over lava with Orange Lantern Bowser, King of Koopas at the other end. He begins shooting fireballs and throwing hammers. The Batmen have seen this act before and run towards Bowser. Their timing is perfect as they run underneath the King of Koopas during one of his random jumps. Flashpoint Batman finds the ax and cuts the ropes holding up the bridge, which sends Bowser flailing helplessly into the lava. A door opens to the next room.
"I'm sorry, but the princess is in another castle! Hahaha!" laughs Joker as White Lantern Batman takes a gunshot to the face. Flashpoint Batman looks around him and is stunned. The Joker's final room is a mix between a throne room and a midway. "Oh wait... Here she is! Haha! I have the princess!" grins Joker, looking at Dark SuperGirl. "Good one Mr J! Heehee!" laughs SuperGirl. Black Racer and Adam Warlock stand on either side of the throne, and Bat-Mite is chained to it. Flashpoint Batman regains his composure. "Racer! Super Girl! we're teammates! Do something!" yells Batman. "You just don't get it, do you? There are no teams. There is no FFL. There's only us forever and ever! I finally found my calling and it's killing Batman for all of eternity. And nobody. Is. Ever. Leaving. Hahahahahahaha!" explains emperor Joker. "Not happening Joker. I will never let you win." declares Thomas Wayne. "Oooooo... How awkward... Sorry old chap, but I didn't mean you. You're not Batman. You're just a cheap knock off. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. But, hey. I'm a good guy. I'll at least kill you once! Hahahahaha!" A pit suddenly opens uo underneath Flashpoint Batman, sending him into a vat of acid. "Mem....ories..." croons the Joker. He looks at his watch. Speaking of knock offs...
Mr Majestic appears in the throne room after his Space Ghost encounter. "No more games, clown." says the Kherubim warlord. "Oh Supes, you're no fun. Just one more game? Pretty please?" grins the Joker, holding a golf club. "Fore!" he yells. He hits Bat-mite with the club, sending him sailing into Mr Majestic. They are both knocked into the acid below. "Great chip shot, Mista J!" compliments Dark Super Girl. "Thanks cutie, but my putting game still needs work..." admits Joker.
The Joker addresses Adam Warlock and the Black Racer. "Well boys, looks like your service to me is over. Adam, thanks for the great idea of me killing Batman forever. Black racer, you're the best janitor I've ever had. I just don't know what I would have done with so many bodies. But from now on it's just going to be me and Bats. I don't need any more ideas, and I can handle the mess from here on out. Good luck in your future endeavors and so on..." Joker hands them pink slips and they both fade from exsistence. Now that I've got that nasty bit of business out of the way, just one more thing." Joker turns to dark Supergirl and holds her by the hands. "Now sweetie pie, we had a great time together, but daddy's going to be very busy from now on. I'm just not going to have the quality time that you deserve. But since I'm a hell of a guy, I'll let you watch me kill Batman for the rest of time! Haha! Sound good baby?" Joker asks. "You're... You're dumping me? Just like that?" cries Dark SuperGirl. "Oh don't be so melodramatic. You'll be fine sooner than you think. If not, I can always put a smile on that face! Buck up kiddo! Hahahahaha!" exclaims Emperor Joker. He turns to face the still dead White Lantern Batman. "Batman, it's just you and me now. I have so many great ideas, we'll be busy for eons and eons! As soon as that White Lantern ring kicks in, we can start the show!" says an elated Joker. And other worldly voice speaks. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman wakes as a guillotine appears and beheads him. "Die!" says Joker. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman rises and an anvil crushes him. "Die!" Joker yells. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman rises and he is fed into a wood chipper. "Die! Hmmmm... This is OK... But something's missing. Hmmmm. I know! Godlike power is great and all, but some things just need that personal touch!" Joker snaps his fingers and renounces his fifth dimension power. "I feel better already. Now it's time to reeeeeally get my hands dirty!" The turns to gather some real weapons and is stopped by Dark SuperGirl. Oh, hey toots, forgot about you... Would you be a dear and get me my power tools? I don't remember where I left them..." Joker says. "Haha. Left them... Left... Haha! No... One... Leaves... Haha... Together...forever... Haha!" rambles Dark SuperGiirl. She hugs the Joker and flies them both into the pit of acid, which is making a strong case for MVP this week. Both of them burn and disintegrate in the acid as the at last laughs echo. The Playoff Planet returns to its normal state prior to Emperor Joker's meddling. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman rises, expecting to die immediately. He closes his eyes, but nothing happens. "Huh? Everybody's gone? I did it? Yeah... I did it! Suck it dad! The plan worked!"