Week Four: George Washington's Slaves vs P.M.S.

George Washington Slaves are Agen Kolar, Ajax Major, Amazo, Ben Skywalker, Cade Skywalker, Cassandra Nova, Colossus, Corbin Dallas, Cosmos, Dare The Terminator, Inspector Gadget, Loki, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Mr. Miracle, Santa Claus, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Rudolph, Sarumon, Super-Soldier, T-1000, Windcharger, B'dg, Zillius Zox, Air Bud, and Jek Tono Porkins & R5-D4 in a X-Wing.

P.M.S. is Tug Speedman, Kirk Lazarus, Darwin, Predator #47, Xenomorph #51, River Tam, Balrog #2, The Peach, Assassin X, Major Maxim, Natalie Kassle, Nateri, Sam Whitwhicky, Pixie, Typhoid Mary, Terra, The Guild of Drundel Dorks: Dr. Boom Boom Pow, Evette, Groudious Maximus, Arjhan Darkscale, & Bagwa.

“Oh crap! It’s Santa Claus! We’re f*@%ed!!” yells Sam Whitwicky. “Dude, relax. It’s just Saint Nicholas. He’s cool,” replies Tug Speedman. “No, don’t you get it. Santa is actually a result of a virgin birth by Satan. So yeah, he’s like the antichrist. Christmas was actually known as the “Day of Slaying” and Santa would massacre tons of people all over the world. But then an angel beat Santa in a curling match and sentenced Santa to deliver presents on Christmas for 1,000 years. But those 1,000 years are up now, and now… wait… does he have a freakin’ lightsaber?!?” says Sam. “Oh that’s nonsense,” replies Tug. Santa Claus, along with his best bud Corbin Dallas, fly in and lops Tug Speedman’s head clean off with his lightsaber. “Sam, my boy, you’ve been very naughty spreading those lies about me,” says Santa. “Yeah, no one talks trash about my friend Saint Nick and gets away with it,” adds Corbin. He then pulls his gun out and blows a hole right through Sam’s chest. Super Soldier and Amazo then goes on an absolute tear and lands on the asteroid that the Guild of Drundel Dorks have set up camp on. They rip through all five of them as if they were origami. Dr. Boom Boom Pow is the only one who is even able to react to the attack, but it’s only to say, “this chicken’s jackin’ my style!” Terra then uses her powers to control several asteroids that are floating in space and directs them at the Slaves. Porkins tries to evade the oncoming asteroids but gets his X-Wing smashed in between them. Dare the Terminator attempts to sneak up on River Tam, but she is more than ready for this battle. The two fierce women duel on a small asteroid as the rest of the match wages on. Cassandra Nova quickly takes over the mind of Kirk Lazarus, who she then forces to turn his gun on The Peach and shoots him in the back. She then makes him turn the gun on himself and forces him to pull the trigger. River Tam and Dare the Terminator are deeply engaged in their duel, but River is able to overtake her opponent and breaks her neck with her legs. Cosmos is flying…well through the cosmos, with Agen Kolar, Ajax Major, Ben Skywalker, Cade Skywalker, Inspector Gadget, Air Bud, and Mr. & Mrs. Smith aboard. Cosmos flies over and drops them all off on a nearby asteroid. They are then immediately attacked by Major Maxim, Typhoid Mary, Natalie Kassle and Assassin X. Major Maxim unloads his massive gun at his opponents (Yep a gun in space. Are we really going to have that conversation??) and aerates Inspector Gadget, Air Bud and Mr. Smith. Colossus rushes (get it?) the Nazi Ubermensch. Major Maxim starts firing at the Russian mutant, but the bullets are just bouncing off of his metal skin. Colossus then crushes the huge gun and rips the much needed hoses out of Major Maxim’s back. He then brings his two mighty fists down on Maxim’s head for the killing blow. Natalie Kassle is able to get an upper hand on Mrs. Smith and delivers a knife right up under Mrs. Smith’s jaw. Predator #47 leaps off of a jutting rock and drives his spear up into the back of Agen Kolar, before the Jedi could react. (Pretty quick, huh?) Xenomorph #51 then mauls Ajax Major, who is able to stab the alien with his sword, but the acid blood sprays Ajax, badly wounding him. The Xenomorph then viciously rips the flesh off of Ajax. Ben and Cade Skywalker tried to get to Ajax to aid him, but they were too late. But they are able to avenge their fallen compatriot and with a simultaneous lightsaber swipe, they kill the Xenomorph. The two Skywalkers then turn their attention to Assassin X and Typhoid Mary. Cade attacks Assassin X, who even though is a skill combatant, is no match for a Jedi. Typhoid Mary uses her telekinetic powers however to distract Ben as he is trying to attack. She telekinetically throws pieces of the asteroid at Ben, but he is able to deflect them with his lightsaber. She then makes Ben Skywalker spontaneously combusts. The Jedi is engulfed in flames, burning him alive. Cade sees this and goes ballistic. He flips over the flames, extinguishing them with a Force push and then drives his lightsaber deep into Typhoid Mary’s abdomen. But he was too late to save Ben, who has died from the fire. Balrog #2 then stomps his way towards the team of T-1000 and Windcharger. The Autobot uses his magnetic powers (Bet you didn’t know that Windcharger has magnetic abilities? Well now you know.) to turn T-1000 into hundreds of sharp flying metal spikes which fly right into the Balrog before it can attack. T-1000 then melts and reassembles himself into his normal Robert Patrick form. Santa Claus and Corbin Dallas then fly over and with a sniper-accurate shot; Rudolph kills Predator #47 with a red laser blast from his nose. (Yeah, it can shoot lasers. Didn’t you know that??) In an odd team up, B’dg and Zillius Zox work together to kill Nateri and Darwin. Terra, Natalie Kassle, Pixie, and River Tam then form together to make a last stand against the horde of Slaves that are surrounding them. Terra uses her power to crush Cosmos with several asteroids. Pixie then makes the ultimate sacrifice and uses her powers to teleport not only herself, but Mr. Miracle, Super-Soldier and T-1000 to the middle of the nearest sun. But it’s still not enough, as the Slaves are too much for the remaining girls to handle.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!