Scar & Bob's TP & D vs. The Sigmaz

 

Scar & Bob’s TP & D is: Thor

The Sigmaz are: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Various Glocks, and five members of The Huzz

A distinct crack of thunder pounds the door of The Houslander Hood Home; ostentatious, but cordial. The door swings open, revealing a sunny and cloudless sky. Thor enters the living room. He eyes the stillness of the arena with a casual cautiousness, uncertain where his foe may be found. He regards the various nerd media and begins to reminisce on a particular decade:

“Ah, the years of nineteen and eighty. ‘Twas a strange time for Midgard indeed. Wars waged violently, and those waged passively through threat of mutual destruction. Discotheques booming with the sound of electric symphony, lit up in the very colors of the bifrost. Large hair and boots on small maidens. I remember it fondly, though the mystical snows from the land of Colombia do cloud my memory.”

As he browses, he comes across a set of familiar green faces mounted on the wall, each in a differently colored eyemask.

“Hark, the adolescent turtle ninjas! What jovial facemasks are these! Their valiant battles with The Shredder are stuff of true legend. Perhaps not as valiant as MY exploits, especially since they are four and I am but one very powerful God… but nonetheless, they were a force to be reckoned with. I wonder, how much hath Lord Houslander paid for such lifelike memorabilia? The scales are downright… Hm?”

It’s then that four green hands holding pistols come busting through the drywall in unison, the Turtles’ faces still frozen in cartoonish grins. Thor barely reacts in time to dodge the salvo of bullets that tear through the living room. The Turtles walk the remainder of their stocky frames through the wall to face Thor.

                “The 80’s were radical, dude, gnarly and tubular!” barks Mikey.

                “But you’re not a true 80’s kid” adds Donatello.

                “You were just an old man then, and you’re an even older man now” quips Raphael.

    “And we’re not gonna lose to a dusty old myth!” declares Leo, and the four leap into battle.

The ninja turtles pull their usual weapons, jumping from furniture and bouncing off walls as they begin their 4v1 melee against the startled Asgardian. Though he is caught off guard, he skillfully deflects each of them as they bound toward him.

“Jest not with me, upstart reptiles! My many years have not slowed me in the slightest – nay, they have brought experience and strength the likes of which are yet unknown to you!”

With confidence of purpose, Thor punctuates this point with a swift uppercut of Mjolnir into the jaw of the descending Donatello. The TMNT machinist is bloodlessly decapitated as his brain stem unplugs from his spinal column, and his body ragdolls into the corner of the room.

                “Oh my god, they killed Donny!” cries Michelangelo.

                “You bastard!” snarls Raphael.

                Leonardo gives a circling “round-up” hand signal, ordering: “Now, Mikey, do it!”

As Raph and Leo continue holding Thor off, Michelangelo dives out of the fray and runs through the kitchen to the bathroom door. The moment he opens it, five fine Huzzies come pouring out over each other, scrambling for footing. Thor brings the hammer down upon another victim, crushing Raphael this time.

“What trickery is this, mutants?! To bring mortal women into the- wait, I know these women!”

Without delay the Huzz is upon Thor, each one a woman he had bedded and left behind in his cocaine-crazed dance hall days. “Where did you go, baby?” “Why’d you never pay child support?” “Where’s the $16k you owe Slick Jimmy for our little party in Cabo?” Newly awash with true terror, Thor begins to club these clubbers from his past. With his guard broken, he feels two Glock barrels press against either underside of his occipital lobe, and the lights go out.

TEAM Vs. Grayson, Jack, & Ben's Goobers

 TEAM is Josh Houslander:  Swordmaster of Ginaz, Alex Houslander:  Indigo Lantern, Alex Houslander (w/ Super Scope 6), Maria Ianni, Yakub, Mark Constantagious, Dapper Man, & Jump City Police Officer #3.

Grayson, Jack, & Ben's Goobers are:  Hyperion.

 On the border between Redford and Detroit, lies the historical district known as Old Redford.  Entering the urban area and exiting the suburbs.  One small step into the city, one giant leap into the hood.  There sits Salem street, where a fun little get together is taking place.  Napoli pizza is slapping, VHS Tapes are playing, the landscape is eloquently adorned with vintage collectibles, not-so leather bound books, and music on myriad formats......  The Turbo Grafx-16 still works just as well as that first time it played Keith Courage back in 1992, but Air Zonk is on the menu today.   Two different Alexes exist in this scenario, so the dishes in the sink are brimming to insane proportions, but Nikki must have been here recently because the rest of the place is clean and  decently presentable aside from the clutter of 17 notebooks and about a dozen unshelved books and comics that Josh isn't quite done with yet.  

  The Swordmaster of Ginaz is enjoying deep conversation and a Spice Beer like they traditionally have drank for centuries (actually just a Keystone Light with a habanero floating in it).  After inviting in both Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses over the past week to discuss theology, Josh thought it was only fair to invite in Yakub to share the thoughts stored in his extra large head and discuss the true history of the African American People (I call them African Americans, I'm not sure what you call them (it certainly isn't what Dapper Man is saying ever since he crossed Inkster in his BMW (which isn't as cool as the vintage one in the backyard here))).  Maria is pretty grossed out as she is now subjected to twice as many burps and farts from Alex and Alex.  The Statist Cop in the room just transferred from Jump City where they frequently have to arrest Meta-Humans and Super Villains to Detroit where he now feels terribly under qualified; which is why he is hanging out at the edge of the city hiding from the deep hood.  Mark Constantagious won't sit down, he is instead pacing the floor and working the room.  Mark is an all around bro and is gladly sharing his time with everyone in the house.  As each conversation ends and the next one begins you can hear echos around the room from the previous conversation.  "Mark Constantagious SAVES us, SAVES us Money, SAVES us MONEY, TIME, AND Hassle" after he hollas at chu.  Everything is going great, and the whole house is enjoying the day and each others company.  Until Hyperion, just bursts through the door, breaking it right off the hinges.  What a Jerk.  The landlord is gonna be pissed.  

"Who invited dis Crackah" yells Yakub.  

But as described in the above paragraph, the room is brimming with some seriously bad dudes, so they waste no time, jumping into action.  Hyperion strikes first, using his atomic vision heat beams that are totally not ripping off Superman and focuses the energy directly at the massive cranium of Yakub, blowing brilliant brain matter all over the room.  Gross.  What a mess.  Nikki is gonna be pissed (Dapper Man not so much).  Indigo Lantern Alex takes flight a few feet off the ground to position himself over the piano and hit Hyperion with a full blast of Indigo energy.  Unrelenting in his defense of the house, Indigo Alex fully drains not only his own energy but the full power of the Ring, creating the weakest possible version of the Eternal and filling Hyperion with a toxic empathy (basically, he turned him in a Democrat).  Still very physically strong after the attack, Hyperion punches the weakened Indigo Alex blasting him back to South Redford.  Josh nods to Alex and Maria who run to the basement, knowing exactly what they are supposed to do.  They go on a search of one of the most coveted pieces of their family's retro gaming collection.  The Jump City Cop ends up getting used as a blunt force object against Dapper Man; but the Ginaz trained Josh and Mark Constantagious, both consummate professionals are aware of their surroundings and leap into action against Hyperion, knowing they have to buy some time for Alex and Maria to complete their mission.  Josh's form 4 double sword variant is flawless and Mark Constantagious runs to the living room dresser to arm himself with a Katana blade in one hand and a bag full of pennies in the other.  Josh and Mark Constantagious, two Detroit area legends, may be two men; but they move and attack as a single unit.  They know that Hyperion may be physically stronger, but their fighting prowess is far beyond that of the Superman knock off.  If only one of the hits from Hyperion lands on the duo, it is game over; so they simply make sure that hit doesn't land.  Hyperion is riddled with stabs, slices, and penny slaps chipping away at the meta-human attempting to take him down with a death by a thousand cuts.  The duo of Josh and Mark Constantagious are moving in unison absent of mistakes and vacant of any flaw save one:  They may be just too bro-ey, Bro (if there is such a thing).  Even with an excellence of execution that would impress Curt Hennig himself, Josh has the foresight to realize that their skirmish is simply a diversion.  As he hears Alex and Maria running back up the stairs to rejoin the fight, he hopes that the sacrifice that must be made to save their home can be made by him and him alone and that his homeboy Mark Constantagious can perhaps live to fight another day along with his son and perhaps future daughter in law.  Josh throws his swords into the air and reaches behind him to pull out two Glocks that he fluidly tosses to Mark Constagious, who catches them simultaneously.  Josh then grabs the two Ginaz forged swords out of mid-air and delivers a vicious pair of slices to the throat of Hyperion, cutting him deeply.  Opening himself up for the sacrifice play, Josh is grabbed out of the air by Hyperion as he screams in pain from the wounds inflicted on him and brings Josh down for a back breaker that shatters the spine of the Ginaz Swordmaster.  Mark Constangious screams "NOOOOOOOOO" as he sees his Bestie go down and opens fire with flawless aim towards the wound just inflicted by Josh.  More Eternal blood fills the room; but still cannot take down Hyperion.  Alex and Maria appear out of the kitchen with the item they successfully retrieved from the basement.  The furious Hyperion grabs the wooden chair by the bookshelf that Josh needs to stand on to reach the top shelf of books and DVDs.  He breaks off a wooden stake from the chair and throws it in the direction of Alex.  Destined to be a definite kill shot into the chest of Alex, Mark Constantagious leaps in front of the wooden shard taking the hit for the son of his BFF and fulfilling his ultimate goal for Alex and Maria.  He dies successful, knowing that he saved them from the hassle of death.  Honored by the sacrifice of the great Mark Constantagious, the young couple combine not only their saved money, time, and hassle, but their bravery and resolve as Maria yells:  "AIM FOR THE NECK"!!  Alex, now playing not just with power; but Super Power raises The Super Scope Six, takes aim at the weakened area in the neck of Hyperion, and blows his head clean off.  

The Doctor's Madhouse Vs. Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips

 The Doctor's Madhouse is: The Silver Surfer.

Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips is:  The Deadly Viper Assassin Squad:  Beatrix Kiddo, Bill, Budd, O-Ren Ishii, Vernita Green, & Elle Driver, Autobot Cassette #3, Red Wizard #1, Black Widow #5 (w/ Rito Bow), Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #10, & Fall Guy #2 (w/ a magic wand).  

Week 9 Democracy: Josh and Alex's New Crib in Da Hood: The Cowboy Killaz Vs. The Sigmas

 The Cowboy Killaz are:  John Stewart & Cal Kestis.

The Sigmas are:  The Peaky FOCKEN Blinders:  Thomas Shelby, Arthur Shelby, John Shelby, Finn Shelby, Polly Shelby, & Ada Shelby, and riding in The Pimp Mobile:  Vincent Vega (Driver), Marcellus Wallace (riding shotgun), & Dante & Randall (backseat).  

Gayneighbors from Outer Drive Vs. The Sigmas

 

Gayneighbors from Outer Drive are The Watchmen:  The Comedian, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre (w/ purple lightsaber), Ozymandias & Rorschach (w/ orange lightsaber), Unalaq, Desna, Eska, The Noid, Freddy Kruger, Gobo, Mokey, Red, Wembley, Boober, Uncle Traveling Matt, Mick Foley, Dark Side Marauder #1-5, Refrigerator Perry, Santa's Little Helper, Junkeon #10, & Storm Trooper #6-7.

The Sigmas are Dante & Randall in The Millennium Chowder, Vincent Vega, Marcellus Wallace, MLK Jr., Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Benito Mussolini, Aristotle, Fred Stathers (w/ a Ray Gun), Linda from Copper Door, Nikki Royse, Mystique, Roboto, Snout Spout, Whiplash, Bene Gesserit #1-7, & Blaster w/ Rewind, Eject, Grandslam, Raindance, Nightstalker, Playback, Ramhorn, Steel jaw, Dile, Zaur, Graphy, Noise, Rosanna, Stripes, & Blackcat.  

7:15 PM

Welcome to Redford, MI and the famous Sandy's by the Beech.  The year is 1999 and the world is still free (at least it feels like it (the illusion is still strong before the turn of the Millennium)).  It is the Monday night after hunting season, pitchers of Bud Light are like a nickel or something, every other shot is free, the smell of Marlboro is in the air, mixing with the smell of Sandy's Delight, backroom cigars are about to happen, and Kurt Houslander:  The King of Sandy's himself has assembled an elite group of De-Generates including Tom, his nephew Josh, the young bachelor Chris Artrip, Eddie Zacharski, and Larry Reamer.  One of the first meetings of the Ill Council will take place this night.  Sandy's is packed (why wouldn't it be??  It's a Monday night in the 90s).  Kurt and his crew are just some chill guys; so they sit in the back area leaving the front part of the bar for the Riff Raff.  The look of Sandy's is mostly unchanged as it will remain for decades to come; but they do instantly notice a new bright red juke box in the back corner that looks pretty sweet.  

7:45 PM

Some Gay, meat suit wearing neighbors show up early for dinner, which is good because there is about a half hour wait to get inside.  Uncle Traveling Matt had been to Sandy's before in his past travels and since he and his homies were in town he convinced them that they had to try it.  They all pile into the vestibule shoulder to shoulder to wait for tables or seats at the bar after Colleen tells them that she isn't pushing tables together for the whole squad and that they would just have to deal with it.  I mean:  Who do they think they are, Houslanders??  Junkeon #10 isn't allowed inside; No........  Not because they don't serve his kind here, he is just too big to get in the door.  He transforms into his motorcycle form and waits in the parking lot with the other cool looking cars and trucks (no SUVs, the world doesn't suck yet).  Santa's Little Helper is denied access as well by Dar who laughs at them when they try to pull some emotional support animal crap.  It's the 90s, nobody effing cares about your emotions or your support.  Santa's Little Helper makes his way 3/4 of a mile east of there into Detroit and joins a wild pack of dogs.  From there he is quickly killed by a street gang; probably the Square Boyz or The Latin Counts (unlike Zach, I have no problem killing off dogs in my matches, even in the intro).  Like I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, these are a happy group of fellows, just here for a good time (for you youngsters reading this, it was the last century, and gay still meant happy back then in the olden times).  Uncle Traveling Matt recognizes someone he knows at the very first table by the ATM (yes, they had ATMs in the 90s); and they save it for him as they are leaving.  He sits down front and center with Gobo, Mokey, Red, Wembley, Boober, and The Noid.  They are a fun group and fit right in with Sandy's eclectic crowd.  Refrigerator Perry and Mick Foley grab the first two seats at the bar.  Freddy Kruger snatches up a bar stool by the back door, along with Unalaq, Desna, & Eska.  The Watchmen walk in last and take the very back table in the front room.  Rorschach hasn't showered since Nineteen-80-EVER, but his rank smell seems to go unnoticed through the thick cloud of smoke.  This makes Silk Spectre and Ozymandias happy considering that they have to share a table with him and they are both hungry.  The Comedian has a fresh cigar going and is loving life as he lean back in his chair and admires all the Redford talent, with their famous busty figures on display (it's weird, but true.  Just something in the water in Redford (trust me, it's science)).  The five Dark Side Marauders are outside in the parking lot ripping death sticks, because they don't realize that Michigan hasn't become a Statist Hellhole quite yet and that they are allowed to smoke inside.  Storm Trooper #6 & 7 (6767676767 ha ha) look around for a seat but a couple of off duty Redford Cops see them and decide that they don't like some other pigs hanging out in their bar trying to steal their proverbial Kool Aid.  The cops take the Troopers out back for an old fashioned shooting contest.  The Storm Troopers miss.  RPD doesn't.  

8:15 PM

The Sigmas show up late and aren't in great moods.  Maybe you could say they are looking for a fight, maybe you could say they aren't.  You see, up to this point; no team in Fantasy Fantasy history has ever gone winless for an entire season and The Sigmas are not happy about potentially being the first.  They all filter into the bar with chips on their shoulders and try to find some seats wherever they can.  Nikki Royse has just celebrated her 21st birthday and instantly finds someone willing to give up their seat at the bar for her (like she always does).  She then convinces the guy sitting next to her to stand up, so her friend Linda from The Copper Door can sit  (Linda, I don't think should even be born yet to be honest, but we won't get into that time vortex now).  Nikki lights up a cowboy killer, and instructs the bar keep that she wants to order 2 Budweisers, two lemon drops, the Mexican Basket, A half pound burger extra rare, a chicken sandwich, and whatever Linda wants.  Fred Stathers wanders into the back and sees one of his favorite Youngens Larry and some other familiar faces.  He plops down and drinks every Miller Genuine Draft that Sandy had ordered for the month of November in exactly sixty minutes and zero seconds before he decides to go out on the prowl and chase some girls.  He leaves them with this bit of wisdom saying:  "The problem with going to Sandy's by the Beech, is that you can't leave the place without getting laid".  Dante and Randall are still chilling in the parking lot in the cherry 88' Dodge Daytona Pacifica with the T-Tops off.  The car, commonly referred to as The Millinnium Chowder was just gifted to them by Josh Houslander last week after they tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers in a Star Wars themed Wedding at The Unitarian Church.  Rumor has it that Randall is the butch, and Dante is the b****.  At least that is what I heard.  Mystique is someone in this bar, I am just not sure who.  Vincent Vega is cool, but his rizz has nothing on the two brothas he is hanging out with, walking up and down the front center aisle.  The three dudes are showing some serious swagger as Vincent follows the lead of Marcellus Wallace and Martin Luther KIng Jr. In his designer suit.  Marty looks at Marcellus and says:  "Damn Mr. Wallace, Ima tell you what.  I'm gonna do you a solid and let you have the second finest Redford white chick in here after I take my pick of the litter.  There may even be some scraps left fror you Vince".  Marcellus Wallace brings Marty in for the half man hug as he is allowed his retort of:  "My N****".  Snout Spout, Whiplash, and Roboto are in the mood to throw down and they take a seat near the back next to The Watchmen and a big pickle tub full of foreshadowing.  At the table near the entrance to the backroom, sits Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Benito Mussolini, & Aristotle.  I was convinced that I was about to overhear some fantastic bit of philosophical conversation taking place here; but instead they are mostly just discussing how they can't believe how many coloreds have been allowed in this establishment (it's like five).  The Seven Bene Gesserits never made it inside, and instead got in a tussle with the Dark Side Marauders.  I never saw any of them again.  I don't know exactly how the fight went down because I am enjoyig my Schooner on Texas Toast with Bacon (and why do I have to keep reminding you that you don't have to go outside to smoke).  

9:45 PM

Dante and Randall are mostly arguing over who is going to go spit some game at that Nikki chick on their team.  Randall is pretty sure she wants him, especially since she say their sweet Daytona and said that whoever drives that car must be the coolest dude of all time.  Maybe some day she will find him.  But, The Clerks then realize that Junkeon #10 is more than just a motorcycle and challenge him to a race.  One might think that the space age Cybertronian technology built into the transformer would blow the doors off of this poor man's sports car from the 80s, but you obviously do not understand the turbo charged Mopar power of the 88' Daytona.  If you have any doubt of the intense speed that could be harassed by The Millinnium Chowder than you should probably listen to the song "Turbo Charged" by Nico Blue.  And then try not to kill yourself.  The race heads west on Five Mile towards Bates in Livonia, when Junkeon #10, already severely behind crashes into The Golden Lantern Restaraunt, changing the timeline making into become Sam's Place several years earlier.  Dante and Randall disappear into Livonia and are never heard from again.  It is rumored that they were surrounded by dozens of insanely hot chicks and smothered to death by them.  This was a common problem for dudes who drove the Millinnium Chowder.  

10:45 PM

Josh is too broke for anything other than beer, so Kurt gives him some money and says:  "Play something good on the Juke box Fag".  So Josh does as instructed.  Josh and Ed then walk over to the fancy new, shiny, red Jukebox; but just as their first Nine Inch Nails Song begins to play, they realize that it is not an ordinary Juke Box; but actually the Autobot Blaster, who then ejects Rewind, Eject, Grandslam & Raindance (who merge to form Slamdance), Nightstalker, Playback, Ramhorn, Steeljaw, Dile, Zaur, Graphy, Noise, Rosanna, Stripes, & Blackcat.

10:50 PM

All Hell has broken loose.

10:51 PM

Josh and Ed return to the table.  Chris and Tom are mildly annoyed by the ruckus.  Kurt and Larry order another round of Rattle Snakes.  

10:52  PM

Colleen quickly brings the shots, and empties the ash trays with the help of Dar and assures the guys that this round is "On Sandy".  She then calls us stupid for not ordering two more pitchers a minute ago.  She was right.  They were thirsty.

10:53 PM

Kurt and the crew quench their thirst and quit bing parched for the time being.

11:00  PM

The bar is being torn apart by the two rival gangs.  Must be The Square Boyz and The D-KingZ again is what most of the regular patrons think.  

11:30 PM

As Blaster's Cassettes rush into the front room to join the brawl already in progress, they see that The Comedian, Ozymandias, Rorschach, and NIte Owl have already been killed; but that didn't stop The Watchmen from taking some dudes down with them.  Silk Spectre wasn't in the fight for some reason.  She was last seen eyeing Fred Stathers' Ray Gun and I guess they left together.  Roboto, Snout Spout, and Whiplash went down as well.  Freddy Kruger is still standing for now; but his powers are diminished here.  Because Sandy's don't sleep MY DAWGS.  RECOGNIZE.  The Avatar dudes see their fellow Neighbors going down and start putting on a clinic all over Blaster's Cassettes.  Blaster himself has been destroyed by a well placed hammer blast from The Noid.  No more Nine Inch Nails.  The Fraggles are Butt Housed; but having the time of their life.  Can't say they are much help in the fight though.  They just start arguing with Thomas Jefferson's table about baseball even though nobody involved has ever watched a sport.  Mick Foley body slams his own teammate William "Refrigerator" Perry as a dare from Benito Mussolini who is slamming red wine like it is white wine; but as it turns out The Fridge was actually Mystique so it worked out.  The real Fridge got shivved by the duo of Wallace and King for eyeing their chick-a-dees.  The Sigmas then try to put together a last ditch effort to destroy their enemies and not go winless this season and do finally take out Unalaq, Desna, & Eska after almost every Cassette and the rest of the squad are taken out in a long drawn out bar fight for the ages.  

                

1:45 AM

Kurt and the boys decide it is time to leave because they are nice guys and they don't want to stay until the last minute.  They know Colleen and Dar want to close the place up and get home.  It's called being a gentleman D-Bags.  As Josh stumbles out first, Kurt and Larry catch him checking out this hot skinny blonde chick cashing out at the bar.  Larry calls him a fag and says:  "Aren't you engaged or something"??  Kurt then makes reference to "Josh's tongue" and "her bung".  Chris and Ed can barely walk but they are talking about Doom and Duke NuKem.  Tom is laughing at all of them.  Larry seems totally fine and asks the Fraggles on the way out if he can give them a ride home.  They need it.  

1:50 AM

Chris asks the crew:  "That was kind of a crazy night at Sandy's wasn't it"??  Kurt replies:  "Meh, not really.  See ya next Monday Fags".  Everyone nods in agreement.  

1:59 AM

The bar is almost empty and the place is being cleaned up, when a very sober smallish, chick Autobot walks up the bar after having taken part in the battle royal that just concluded.  "Did I miss last call??  How about a wine cooler"??  Colleen rolls her eyes as she looks back at the clock and says:  "Fine....  Just one and your out of here".   

Week 8: The Doctor's Madhouse vs. Dolla 49 McRib (Sandy's by the Beech)

Doctor's Mad House: Frank “Wendeezys” Metivier w/ Endless Zyn & Pack of Four Loko, Kurt Houslander w/ Power Glove, Chris Artrip: Fremen Warrior, Invincible Crew (Invincible, Atom Eve, Dupli-Kate, Robot, Rex Splode, Allen the Alien), Hancock, Black Noir, Gabby Kinney, Predator #4-7

Dolla 49 McRib: Picollo, Brolly, Ultraman, Wonderwoman, Mandarin 

Sandy’s by the Beech had seen a lot, at least one raccoon in a Lions jersey but nothing like this.

The neon beer signs flickered like they were trying to clock out early. A lone bartender slowly backed away as the door blew open with a gust of dramatic, totally unnecessary wind.

Dolla 49 McRib entered like they were late to a universe-ending convention.

Piccolo ducked under the doorway, scowling. Broly cracked his knuckles, already vibrating with rage. Ultraman stood rigid and glowing like a malfunctioning streetlamp. Wonder Woman surveyed the room with warrior focus. The Mandarin casually rotated his rings like he was about to ruin someone’s Yelp rating forever.

At the bar, Doctor’s Madhouse was mid argument about whether Four Loko counted as a “strategic resource.”

Frank “Wendeezys” Metivier didn’t even turn around. He just cracked open another can.

“Hey Kurt, you feel that?”

Kurt Houslander flexed his Power Glove. It whirred like an overworked microwave.

“Yeah. The Boss is playin.”

Chris Artrip fully in Fremen warrior mode slowly turned, sand somehow falling off him despite being in suburban Michigan.

Robot scanned the room.

“Hostile entities detected.”

Rex Splode stood up immediately.

“Cool, I’m gonna throw stuff.”

Broly roared and charged.

He slipped on a mozzarella stick.

The entire bar paused.

Broly hit the ground so hard the jukebox switched to Cotton Eye Joe.

Before he could stand up, Dupli-Kate created 30 copies of herself, all pointing and laughing. One handed him a napkin. Another put a tiny paper hat on his head.

Broly stood up, furious.

Rex Splode threw the hat.

It exploded.

Broly flew backward through three tables and into the dartboard

Piccolo stretched his arm across the room dramatically and accidentally clotheslined Ultraman.

Ultraman, already glowing, slammed into a neon sign. The sign flickered, overloaded, and blasted him with about 40 years of dive-bar electrical debt.

He didn’t explode. He just… powered down like a sad appliance.

Piccolo blinked.

“…That seems medically concerning.”

Before he could react, Chris Artrip appeared behind him and whispered “Desert power.”

Piccolo turned and walked directly into a ceiling fan that had no business being that low.

The fan snapped, flew off, ricocheted around the room, hit Piccolo three times, and embedded him in a stack of bar stools 

He slid down slowly. Cooked

Wonder Woman leapt forward, lasso spinning.

Hancock yawned.

She threw the lasso

Dupli-Kate multiplied again, and suddenly the lasso snagged fifteen different Kates.

They all pulled in different directions.

Wonder Woman spun like a Beyblade, smashed into the pool table, launched a cue ball across the room

which bounced off Robot’s shoulder, hit the wall, ricocheted into a plaque

which startled Wonder Woman just enough that she tripped over Allen the Alien’s foot.

Allen looked down.

“Oh. Sorry.”

She faceplanted into the bar. The bar, having had enough, collapsed like it was unionizing mid-fight.

End of Wonder Woman.

The Mandarin raised his rings dramatically.

“Witness true power”

Frank threw a Four Loko.

Not even hard. Just… casually.

The can clipped one ring.

The ring fired.

Into another ring.

Which misfired into the ceiling fan remains.

Which dropped directly onto the Mandarin’s head like a metal frisbee.

He staggered.

Rex Splode tossed a bar stool.

It exploded.

Mandarin vanished in a cloud of smoke, glitter, and at least one regret.

Broly stood up again.

He was done slipping.

He powered up, aura shaking the entire building.

“FINALLY,” he roared

and immediately got dogpiled by four Predators who had been invisible the entire time and just decided now was their moment.

Laser sights danced across the room like disco lights.

Broly tried to swing

but Atom Eve casually redirected the floor beneath him into a soft, glowing ramp.

He slipped again.

This time he slid across the entire bar, out the door, and into a parked car that exploded for no reason whatsoever.

The Predators nodded approvingly.

Ultraman flickered back on for half a second.

Robot looked over.

“Still active.”

Rex Splode threw a peanut.

It exploded.

Ultraman shut off permanently.

Silence.

The jukebox switched tracks again.

Free Bird.

Frank took a sip of Four Loko.

“Alright. Who’s paying for damages?”

Sandy slowly emerged from behind a tipped over fridge.

“…you guys saved my life.”

Hancock shrugged.

“Put it on his tab,” he said, pointing at Broly, who was still half stuck in a car outside.

Allen the Alien leaned on the bar wreckage.

“Fun night.”

Dupli-Kate (one of many) raised a glass.

Chris Artrip nodded solemnly.

“The spice… was chaos.”

Kurt flexed the Power Glove again.

“Still works.”

Robot scanned the scene one last time.

“All hostiles neutralized.”

Frank cracked another can.

“Yeah. And nobody died on our side.”

A beat.

From outside, a car alarm weakly chirped.

Everyone ignored it.

Sandy’s by the Beech returned to normal… which, somehow, was still just as chaotic as what just happened.

Week 8: Cowboy Killers vs Brock Sampson's Murderflies

 The Cowboy Killers are Azazel, Kyle Houslander Dunadan Ranger w/ The Omnitrix, T-X, Firefly, Blackbolt, Hope Summers, Jason Bourne w/Death Note, 2 Degens

Brock Sampson’s Murderflies are Ghazan, Black Lantern Air Bender, The Flash, Adam Warlock, Colossus, Asgardian #1, Bill Cosby, Sue from the Copper Door, Aidan Hutchinson (w/ Daisho), Sherrone Moore (w/ Butter Knife), Colleen from Sandys, Ponyo, Sosuke, Guardian #1&#2 

Oh, Sandys by the Beech, where do I even begin? What was once a haven for great service and unlimited pickles has now turned into a bar of bitchy service and lesser food. But an atmosphere so immaculate that the houslanders and so many others just can’t stay away. And that is where our match takes place, except this time we’re exempt from shitty service and limited pickles because we’ve rented out the place for this occasion. As I get out of Chris and Julie's minivan and walk up to the bar, I get the same wave of magical nostalgia that I typically would get when attending a pre-movie meal, a birthday party, or a preceding Thanksgiving dinner, and I just know this is about to be a great time. 

Swinging open the door, I sit myself next to the ATM and take in the crowd of full tables and occupied bar seats. The Guardians are showing off their bartending skills while Ponyo and Sosuke are running out food to the Cowboy Killers. Brock Sampson’s Murderflies have been drinking since 3 PM, and it would appear Flash is the only team member in sight that isn’t at least a bit tipsy. 

“Boyyousurcinputownsumburssbarry”! Says Collosus

“Yeah, dude… I told you that” Barry Replies and the entire bar erupts in laughter as Barry shakes his head

I’ve never seen Sandys in such a compact setting with the back room being closed for the evening… I can foresee this getting messy quickly. 

Jason Bourne gets up to go take a fat poo and accidentally bumps Colossus’s chair. 

“TheHELLyoubumpinintoBOY” colossus yells without even turning around. 

“You, PUNK,” Jason replies. 

You can feel the atmosphere deflate and everybody's heads turn down in disappointment, letting out an internal sigh of “here we go.” 

Collosus jumps out of his barstool and picks Bourne up by the neck, taking this from a 0 to a 100 in one second as his drunken self repeatedly bashes his fist into Bourne's demolished skull. 

The degens yell from across the room and hurl their beer glasses at Colossus, “Yo what the heck bro that was Jason Bourne!”

Azazel appears on Colossus's shoulder; Colossus grabs ahold of his tail, but immediately loses his grip as Azazel teleports back and forth between the ceiling, the floor, and the bar. Colossus finally delivers a fatal jab to the chest of the immortal being and sends him through the side of the building, begging for more from the Cowboy Killers. 

Hope Summers puts down her chicken tender and has had enough of the bully Colossus as she focuses every ounce of her power from the phoenix force to melt him into a large pile of molten liquid, leaving a large hole in the ground where he stands. 

Oh crap… Colleens here. She’s about to be a massive bitch. Colleen reaches behind the bar and grabs hold of two cracked beer glasses and is about to go ham on these annoying customers with no regard to who’s on whose side. First, she walks up to Kyle and kills him with three sharp stabs to the stomach because she hates the houslanders now and needed to get them out of the way, first things first. Then she does the same to the degens who were hitting the penjamin in the back and just enjoying the show. Sue from the copper door lines up side by side with her food service teammate, but Colleen sticks the broken glass in her left hand right into her neck, leaving her in a pile of blood. Honestly, no idea why she did that. Maybe she wanted to lessen the competition? Or maybe she’s just retarded. Either way, she was really getting on Black Bolt's nerves, so he disintegrated her and finally put her out of her misery. RIP legend. 

T-X is ready to do some work on the puny humans of the murderflies. She approaches the 2021 Big Ten Champions with authority and is surprised by Aiden Hutchinson’s tenacity. Hutch throws a few jabs and immediately shatters his fists, so he resorts to a few wide kicks to the terminator’s figure that are also of no use. T-X crumbles hutch with a flying kick of her own and is face-to-face with the former Michigan coach. He’s so terrified that he just breaks down crying and swallows his butter knife. Not the most efficient way to kill himself, but it eventually got the job done. 

Adam Warlock and Hope Summers are going bar for bar, everything she throws at him, Adam sends right back at her with equal force. The Flash chimes in by running a tight circle around the two and keeping them both off balance in an attempt to keep Sandys in one piece. What was once a dim, calm setting is now lit up with manipulated energy and chaos. Black Bolt joins the party and sends precise sonic screams at Flash, trying to catch him off guard, but to no avail. The Phoenix Force and Adam Warlock's quantum energy are building, and just as Black Bolt was about to hit The Flash, all three of them collide, setting off a chain reaction that just blew the lid off of this place. Firefly ignites his thrusters and shoots out of the bar, hovering towards the traffic lights at Beech and 5 Mile. 

Ghazan tried to protect Ponyo and Sosuke as well as the Asgardian and Bill Cosby, but they were left in the same pile of ash and goo that terminated Black Bolt, Hope, Adam, and T-X in the explosion. 

Firefly watches from a few hundred yards away as several police cars swarm the area and rush the scene. Landing on the ground, preparing to report back to headquarters of a victory, he’s interrupted by his neck being broken with a snap by the fastest man alive.

TEAM Vs. The Underhills

 TEAM is Kyle Houslander, Zachary Houslander (w/ aluminum baseball bat), Zachary Houslander:  Arc Trooper, Laya Houslander (w/ Nodachi & Rito Bow), Alex Houslander (w/ Super Scope 6), Alex Houslander:  Indigo Lantern, Maria Ianni, Scarlet Houslander (w/ crysknife), Grayson Houslander (w/ Maula Pistol), Chris Artrip (w/ Inquisitor Lightsaber), Julie Artrip, Ella Artrip (w/ Courtney Love's Gun), Jack Artrip (in a Tanooki Suit), Ben Artrip (w/ ninja stars), Sinestro, Tom Bombadill, The Channel 4 News Team:  Ron Burgundy, Champ, Brick, Brian, Veronica, & Baxter, Yakub, & Chattari #8-9.

The Underhills are Neo (w/ 2 blue lightsabers), X-24, Bizarro Superman, Kyle Rayner, Foghorn Leghorn, & Xenomorphs #9-13.

Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Grayson, Jack, & Ben's Goobers

 Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips are Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi, He-Man & Battle Cat, Ra's Al Ghul (w/ 2 white lightsabers), Talia Al Ghul, Red Robin (w/ 2 Ninja Swords), King Leonidas, Usagi Yojimbo (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring), Michael Corleone (w/ green lantern ring), Don Vito Corleone (w/ Blue lantern ring), Eric Cartman (in The Hulk Buster Iroman Suit), & Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #10

Grayson, Jack, & Ben's Goobers are Superboy, Sub-Zero, Vegeta, Winter Soldier, Black Knight, Django, Joe Louis (w/ green lantern ring), Gruffi Gummi, & Alvin the Chipmunk. 

Week 8 Democracy: Sigmaz vs 1992 Space Movie

1992 Space Movie Week 8 Squad: Krillin (w/ Dwarf Ring #5), Quick Kick, Carnage (w/ The Ring of Volthoom), Vampire X-23, Psylock, Homelander, Chuck Norris, Wallabe #7-10

Sigmaz: Death, Bacchus and Pan, Brightburn, Hellboy, 7th Sister and ID9

Week 7 - TEAM vs Doctor's Madhouse

TEAM is: Godzilla, Zachary Houslander (w/Aluminum Baseball Bat), Zachary Houslander: Arc Trooper, The Sando Aqua Monster, Moby Dick, Vah Ruta, Gizmo, Jack Lalane, Tarrlok, Sinestro, Renegade #5, Enchantress, Avengers Quinjet containing: Queen Elizabeth, Laurence Fishburne, Henry Ford, Rutherford B. Hayes

Doctor’s Madhouse is: Powergirl, Ocean Master, Aqualad, Ulmo, The Deep, Swamp Thing, Kit Fisto, Serpent of Slytherin, Seaworm #2A-3A (both final death), Blue Toad and Yellow Toad, Sharkticon #1-5, Allicon #6-7

“It’s over. You’ve lost!” 

Powergirl can hear two pairs of footsteps approaching as she desperately tries to catch her breath on the cold sandy shores of The Black Lake. Her hands make fists into the damp dirt as she lifts herself to her knees to look around. Scattered along the shore are the littered corpses of both teams. Former presidents and beasts of the sea. Godzilla lay lifeless a couple hundred yards away still clutching Ocean Master in its fist. The two seem to have bested each other in combat. Floating in the lake are chunks of the hull from the crashed Quinjet. Jack Lalane floats nearby, clearly he died from exhaustion doing too many laps around the lake. 

The footsteps get closer. Her eyes try to focus. She sees a pair of large boots and another much smaller man dragging a baseball bat beside him. Her focus is briefly distracted when she catches a glimpse of his dumpy. The large boots are stepping on several gremlin babies which clearly spawned when Gizmo hit the water. They pop like grapes. 

She’s taking deeper breaths now as she gets an accurate assessment of the situation in front of her. The duo is in front of her now and Zach raises her chin up to meet his gaze with his bat. 

“I said, ‘It’s over’. You’re all that’s left, and my boy Sinestro here is going to finish you off.”

“Not quite!” she manages to get out as she uses the last of her energy to catch Sinestro off guard with a freeze breath. This lasts for but a couple seconds before Zach hits her with the bat. The breath freezes Sinestro long enough to get grabbed by the Serpent of Slytherin who is very familiar in these waters outside Hogwart’s. He raises the DC villain high in the air and smashes it down on the ground shattering him into a thousand pieces. 

Zach is then grabbed by the rising Powergirl and thrown in the middle of the lake where Seaworm #2A was waiting, mouth open.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. David Byrne's Meat Suits

 Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies is Amon, Pakku, Avatar Roku, Crocubot, Aquaman, dam Warlock, Ice Man, Blastoise, War Turtle, Empoleon, Sosuke, & Dr. Robotnik on a Jet Ski.

David Byrne's Meat Suits are Deadpool, Tri, Vampire Phibian, Zombie Phibian, Black Lantern Seaworm, Seaworm #1A, Vampire Seaworm, Boss Nass, Kosa-Yin Hadu, Captain Tarpals, The Jar Jar Head Marines: Capt., Lt., 2nd Lt., Sgt., Corporal, Lance Corporal, Private First Class, Private #1-3, Pirate Goro Majima, Slippy Toad, Gungan Soldiers #1-10, Jat Jar Binks, The Watchmen:  The Comedian, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre (w/ Purple lightsaber), Ozymandias, & Rorschach (w/ Orange Lightsaber), Unalaq, Desna, & Eska, The Noid, Freddy Kruger, Gobo, Red, Wembley, Mokey, Boober, Uncle Traveling Matt, Mick Foley, Dark Side Marauder #1-5, Refrigerator Perry, & Junkeon #10.