2026 NL Round 1 Playoffs

Cowboy Killers: John Stewart, Superman (FINAL DEATH), Martian Manhunter (FINAL DEATH), Starro, Cornelius Fudge, Hungarian Horntail, Chinese Fireball, Swedish Short-Snout, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger w/ Star Sapphire, Bellatrix Lestrange, Professor McGonagall, Ultron, Wiccan, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Vulcan, Darwin, Mephisto, Surtur, Namor, Triton, Dorma, Namorita, Kyle Houslander Dunadan Ranger w/ the Omnitrix, Commander Ahsoka Tano, Darth Malgus w/ Red Lantern Ring, Cal Kestis, Sanworm #9A (FINAL DEATH)

Brock Sampson’s Murderflies: Naruto (FINAL DEATH), Ghazan, Amon, Pakku, Avatar Roku, The Vindicators (Vance Maximus, Crocubot, Million Ants, Alan Rails, Supernova, Noob-Noob), The Flash, Aquaman, Black Hand, Johnny Quick, Paul Muad’Dib, Alia Atreides, Alastar Moody, Gandalf the White, Peregrin “Pippen” Took, Adam Warlock, Colossus, Thor, Iron Man, Black Widow, Jean Grey, Iceman, Cyclops, Beast, Archangel, Loki, Trinity, Blastoise, Wartortle, Wigglytuff, Empoleon, Zygarde, Kirby, Scorpion

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The playoff planet, often portrayed with generic settings, holds a great history to many victors over the years. The landscape is notorious for hosting postseason titans, as well as in season week 5 rivalry matches. However, this playoff planet is a little different… it’s from dimension 676767, and one could describe it more as a puzzle piece planet, because that’s mudafuking Hogwarts right there…

Hogwarts Castle

“Good work, Noob-Noob” Professor McGonagall remarks as she passes by Noob-Noob sweeping up the Great Hall like the goodest janitor boy he is. 

Alan Rails walks up not long after, “Noob-Noob, why didn’t you attack her? She’s on the other team!”

"Because she appreciated me,” Noob-Noob responds, “better than any of you Vindicators ever treat me.” Noob-Noob proceeds to snap his broom in half and impale the ‘train summoner’ (whatever type of power that is).

Bellatrix Lestrange, who was already eating in the Great Hall, cares not for Noob-Noob’s newfound opposition for the Vindicators and casts Avada Kedavra against the janitor. Million Ants (no literally, he’s a man made up of a million ants) comes into the great hall next, and she casts another Avada Kedavra. On one hand, the killing curse worked… on the other hand, it killed just one of the million ants and Million Ants is essentially unfazed by the attack. They move quickly towards the dark wizard and disappear inside of her, only for moments later the million ants eat away the inside of her body and kill her from within. Cornelius Fudge witnessed the whole debacle from the throne of the Great Hall and is delusional in thinking Million Ants died with Belltrix. Unfortunately for him, Million Ants survives and returns to human shape leading to Fudge bellowing out, “He’s back!”

As Million Ants approaches Fudge, McGonagall steps in with Confringo to ignite Million Ants and is able to burn up all million ants including the queen ant at its center. Although, that somehow took a heavy psychological toll on Fudge as he is now rocking like a baby in the corner repeating, “He’s back, he’s back, he’s back, he’s back…”

Crocubot ends Fudge’s misery with some heat vision as he enters the Great Hall with the remaining Vindicators and Alastar Moody. McGonagall sees Moody is part of the opposition and starts nagging in bro’s ear about needing to be better yada yada and then WHAM, Supernova used telekinesis to smash the revered professor between two tables. “NOOOO!!” screams out Harry Potter, feeling deep sadness for the loss of someone he held very dear to his heart.

Hermione Granger, also grief stricken, feels an overwhelming surge of energy from within. Initially confused why this death is bringing her so much power, but she soon realizes it’s the love Harry and herself feel for McGonagall that powers up her Star Sapphire. She channels it into a blast strong enough to send the remaining Vindicators to their death. Harry looks up at Moody with a tear in his eye and casts Crucio, a spell that Moody himself taught Harry. It wasn’t long before Alastar begs for his own death.

Harry and Hermione remain in the Great Hall waiting to hear a call for reinforcements by their fellow Cowboy Killers. To relieve their stress, they light Pall Mall Light 100s (RIP grandma Gass).

Northern Water Temple (Agna Qel’a)

Like I said, this is an abnormal playoff planet… but we shall watch nonetheless.

“Good work, Iceman.” Aquaman notes as Iceman is building up the ice infrastructure of the Northern Water Temple. The exterior wall is built tall and thick enough that no boat would be able to enter this base before meeting their demise. Fortunately for the Cowboy Killers, their water team is able to enter from great depths of the water and breaks down a portion of the ice wall without being detected.

In the Great White Plaza, the courtyard outside the Spirit Oasis, Pakku and Amon spar as they await an attack. Blood bending is obviously prohibited for Amon in this practice session, but that matters not since Amon is a dawg and Pakku is an old sexist fart. Namorita must’ve been able to sense this because she flies out of the ice caverns and spears her fist through the back of Pakku’s torso.

Although, Pakku is able to squeak out in his last breath, “Blood… bend…”

A terrifying smile overcomes Amon’s face, thankfully hidden by his mask. He lifts his hands, and that’s enough as he is able to bend Namorita’s part-Atlantean and part-mutant blood. With great excitement Amon freezes her blood and shatters her. Before Namor, Triton, and Dorma can move in on Amon, he turns and bends their blood to hold them in place. He starts some BS monologue about who cares what, but naturally it gives Namor enough time to use his aquatic telepathy to persuade Tui and La (the moon and ocean spirits) to flail out of their pond. This immediately releases the Cowboy Killers from being blood bended, as water bending is now gone with the death of the moon and ocean spirits.

“Uhhh, let's talk abo–” the words are cut off as Neptune’s Trident sinks into the neck of Noatak (Amon), revered leader of the Equalists.

One thing Amon did right was signal the alarm during his monologue, so at least it wasn’t a total waste. Aquaman, Roku, Iceman, and various Pokemon arrive at the scene as Namor is removing the blood from his trident. Blastoise, Wartortle, and Empoleon are instantly entranced at the beauty of Lady Dorma. If you’re not familiar with Lady Dorma’s appearance, imagine what Frank’s dream girl might be (but missing tattoos) and you’re probably pretty close.

“Come, creatures.” (pause) Lady Dorma commands the three Pokemon. Thinking they’re in for something good, they approach, but to their dismay Lady Dorma smokes those fools. Iceman responds by turning Lady Dorma into an icicle. This wouldn’t necessarily harm her, but the fire blast from Roku shattering her into pieces definitely finished the job. 

Aquaman, wanting to do things his own way, tells Roku and Iceman to step aside and solos out Namor calling him, “False King. I rule the ocean, not you!”

While normally Aquaman probably would punish Namor in a 1v1, Triton don’t give a rat’s ass about ‘soloing’ and is right at Namor's side. They start hitting Aquaman with the combo-wombos weakening him until finally Iceman has seen enough and sends an ice shard into Namor’s back right before he stabs Aquaman with Neptune’s Trident. This puts him off balance for a second giving Aquaman the time to send the Trident of Neptune (wow Marvel vs DC, so creative to just rearrange the same words to make them ‘different’) through Namor’s chest. Aquaman stands to celebrate his ‘victory’ only for Triton to pick up Neptune’s Trident and return the favor to Aquaman.

Roku, unable to water bend, resorts to airbending a sphere around Triton and drying out his body until he asphyxiates and perishes. The Avatar and Iceman will now rest until Brock Sampson makes the call. They contemplate smoking cigarettes… if they only had some.

MF DOOM (I mean Dune)

Now I don’t actually mean Dune like the planet Arrakis, this is Sleeping Bear Dunes (GOAT spot btw).

“Familiar… but not the same.” Paul Muad’Dib whispers to his sister Alia as he runs his hands through the sands of Empire, Michigan.

“It means another world to conquer.” Alia chirps with notable excitement.

“I’ve had enough of my holy war, I’m only here to payout a favor I owe to Brock Sampson” Paul insists.

“What could Brock Sampson have possibly done for you that would constitute you owing him a favor?” Ghazan butts in.

“Not now, the enemy is close.” Muad’Dib ends the conversation.

“I know you’re there… on the other side of that dune. Come forth, I wish to see my prey before killing them” Surtur’s voice echoes across the dunes. “I am the conqueror of these lands, and you shall not take them from me today.”

“I literally just said I don’t want to conquer here.” Paul says as he comes into sight of the fire demon. “Is this bozo deaf or stupid?” Paul whispers over his shoulder to Alia.

Now in view, Surtur sits on a throne atop the tallest dune with two dragons, the Hungarian Horntail and Chinese Fireball, circling overhead and a sandworm circling the dunes. Refer to the below image generated by our friendly neighborhood AI…

“Ummm, boss… how are we supposed to take on that?” Ghazan quivers to Paul.

Zygarde isn’t as intimidated as he should be, because he slithers head on towards the sandworm only to be swallowed in about 0.5 seconds. The sandworm turns towards the remaining Murderflies, but Paul simply closes his eyes, “NO!” he commands and the sandworm turns away back towards Surtur.

Surtur confused, “How did you do that?? They listen to me!” He turns his attention to the dragons and commands them forward.

The Horntail strikes first, whipping his tail towards the group. It narrowly misses the Atriedes siblings, but strikes down Scorpion. The Fireball makes for the second attack but Ghazan bends the sand so that he grabs the tail when it slams down. Ghazan manages to hold down the dragon in place long enough for Paul and Alia to traverse the body of the dragon and deliver a crysknife to the throat. 

The Hungarian Horntail makes another strike, this time using its fire breath to scorch Alia before she could evade. Ghazan bends more sand, but this time balls it up and transforms it into a fiery lava that he hurtles towards the Horntail. He connects his strike, but only mildly injures the great beast.

Paul notices the sandworm approaching again, and focuses his efforts to turn away Shai Halud. Distracted by the great sandworm, he isn’t able to evade another dragon attack and the Hungarian Horntail swoops in grabbing Muad’Dib in its mouth, chewing him in half. Ghazan condenses a patch of sand into a sharp object that he is able to send through the underside of the Horntail, this time able to take it down. While successfully taking down two dragons, Ghazan does not survive his encounter with the sandworm as the ground beneath him rumbles and collapses into the mouth of Shai Halud.

Surtur commends the sandworm, “Good boy.” as the two of them hold reign over Sleeping Bear. Surtur proceeds to pull out and light the largest Camel cigarette I have ever seen.

Gargantua

Yup, that’s the black hole from Interstellar. Turns out this playoff planet is in its orbit.

“I… feel power… more than I ever have…” Superman remarks in confusion.

“It’s Gargantua, a supermassive black hole emitting yellow and blue spectrum radiation. It’s the blue that is giving you extra charge.” comments Martian Manhunter. “Still, be careful, these enemies carry quite a punch.”

Superman tests his new levels of power and flies straight to the man of steel armor and sends a punch through his chest. “I suppose my steel is stronger than his,” Superman scoffs.

Naruto is in his highest power form, too, Bayron Mode (whatever that is, hopefully the anime peeps understand that), “We’re not going to be able to take him down, focus on the others… QUICKLY!”

Black Hand takes on the fellow ring bearer, John Stewart. While John Stewart is tactical and disciplined, Black Hand cares not for even defending himself and focuses solely on draining the life from Stewart. Before the green lantern can mount a lethal attack, William Hand is successful in draining his life force, and the green lantern leaves Stewart’s dead hand darting across the universe to its next successor.

Simultaneously, Adam Warlock is brawling with Vulcan. However, they seem to hit a standoff as each of Vulcan’s energy blasts appear to charge up Warlock, and Adam’s energy blasts seem to have no effect on Vulcan. Seeing that Adam Warlock is absorbing Vulcan’s blasts, Vulcan holds back no more and decides to juice up the MCU man-baby more than he can handle until Warlock implodes from the energy. Naruto comes to Adam’s aid, however late, and is able to drain Gabriel Summers’ life force down until Thor sends a punch hard enough to send shivers down my spine.

Black Hand regroups with the duo, and takes the large Starro head on. The three Murderflies appear to inflict zero damage on the creature's tough exterior. Naruto, however, maximizing efficiency and speed realizes the soft nature of Starro’s eyeball, “THE EYE!! GO FOR THE EYE!”

You don’t have to tell Black Hand twice as he darts straight ahead. Right before he reaches his mark, Starro smacks the shite out of Black Hand so hard that his ring cracks in half, and the undead herald dies. Thor trails close behind, dodges the attack and finds his mark with Mjolnir and lightning putting the great creature to rest.

Superman has supercharged in the radiation of Gargantua long enough to a power level he has not experienced before. Unfortunately for the two remaining space Murderflies, they stand no chance. Clark heat visions the pair and one punches each of them to their respective afterlifes.

The Justice League duo, Clark Kent and J’onn J’onzz, bathe in Gargantua’s rays smoking Marlboro Reds until their presence is called upon.

Endor

That’s right, this playoff planet also has Endor for its moon.

Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, takes charge of the Cowboy Killers atop the Swedish Short-Snout. “Stay put. I’m going to scout ahead above the tree line.” Kyle commands Commander Ahsoka Tano (GOAT), Darth Malgus, and Cal Kestis.

Archangel makes a similar remark to his fellow comrades Gandalf the White, Pippen, Black Widow, Beast, and Johnny Quick.

Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, quickly crosses paths with Archangel in the sky and an epic battle between mutant and veteran dragon riding (pause) Ranger ensues. Archangel starts sending razor sharp wing blades toward the Swedish Short-Snout and its rider. They dodge and weave effectively while also sending fire breath back towards the mutant, but Archangel is too quick for the large beast.

It’s an epic dog fight until the speed and agility of Archangel outlasts Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, and his ride atop the Swedish Short-Snout. The wing blades of Archangel find its home in the belly of a great green giant of a dragon. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, appears to be falling to his death alongside the Swedish Short-Snout, but a twist and a smack of his watch and he turns into Alien X. The species Celestialsapien is where the powers of Alien X come from, and it provides Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, with more than enough power to stop his fall and create a mini black hole that engulfs Archangel.

Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, returns below the tree line to his fellow teammates only to see that neither Cowboy Killers nor the Murderflies listened to their respective scouts. Both teams advanced on each other and had a full on battle. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, looks around and sees all are slain except Gandalf the White who looks rather tired. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, knows what he must do, but the Kyle Houslander in him is fighting with the Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as Alien X, part of him because he loves Gandalf… but ultimately, Alien X takes over, finishes the job, and transforms back into Kyle Houslander form.

I might’ve even seen a tear shed from Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix, as he sits alone on the moon of Endor. He lights a Newport to try and make him feel better. Would’ve been Marlboro Red but he doesn’t feel he deserves it after what he just did to his beloved Gandalf.

Central City

Where else would this playoff planet want to finish off this match, but in the GOATed CW version of Central City (CW is only good with the Flash and the Arrow, the rest is steaming hot excrement).

Mawwage is what bwings us together toda- uhh I mean, battle… battle is what brings us to this final set where the remaining members of each team have gathered. Naturally, the Flash is zooming around the city going faster than any other character in existence, which provides us with the opportunity to see from his point of view multiple fights happen within seconds of each other all around the city. So in Flash style, we’ll speedrun this:

• Looking up, we see Superman bathing in the sky, soaking up Gargantua’s radiation.

• Traversing the large city buildings, Sandworm #9A is chasing down Wigglytuff and Kirby. I fear neither are going to escape Shai Halud.

• Wiccan, Mephisto, and Martian Manhunter stand opposite of Jean Grey and Loki in what must be an epic battle of the minds. For us, however, it's 4 dudes and a chick fent leaning in the street… let’s just come back to this one.

• On the other hand, Ghost Rider and Trinity aren’t even fighting. Instead it’s possibly the coolest biker duo in history cruising around Central City. Trinity is really putting the leather in Trash Pandas.

• Moving on, there is an epic 3v3 going on between metal men (Ultron v Colossus), an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object (Cyclops v Darwin), and hot v cold (Surtur v Iceman). While Colossus gets his shit stepped in, it’s made up for by his teammates who find out Darwin isn’t that immovable after all and Surtur turning into an icicle (don’t come at me for Iceman beating Surtur, Iceman goated omega level mutant).

• Traveling down the interstate, we can see Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix offering himself to Avatar Roku. Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix finds himself unable to strike down another hero of his, for he feels great remorse for his actions against Gandalf. Avatar Roku simply grants his wish and earth bends a rock through the heart of Kyle Houslander son of Kurt Houslander, Dunadan Ranger, descendant of Numenor, accepted by both Grey Company in the North and Rangers of Ithilien in the South, possessor of the Omnitrix. Harry James Potter and Hermione Jean Granger, again, let this loss fuel the Star Sapphire ring in her possession. This time however, it’s Avatar Roku we’re talking about and the Avatar state aint no joke (I think I double negatived there) and Ro absolutely smokes those two fools before their magic could do any harm.

Okay, I can’t keep up with the Flash anymore, that boi too quick for me. Focusing back onto the fights in real time… that’s weird… Wiccan and Mephisto have fallen to the ground with apparent neck injuries, alongside Ghost Rider who was pushed offline into crashing himself and Trinity into the side of Sandworm #9. I’m not too sure what caused these quick deaths, but looking at Martian Manhunter a flash of red flies by him dealing no harm for J’onn was phasing. It’s obvious now that the Flash is the one wreaking havoc across Central City. J’onn is struggling to fight off Jean Grey and Loki in his mind while also phasing out of reach of the Flash. On top of that, he calls to the mind of Clark Kent to join the fight.

Meanwhile, Avatar Roku and Iceman try to take out Shai Halud. Knowing it thrives in the desert heat, Iceman just starts peppering #9A with ice blasts while Avatar Roku keeps water bending at the great beast. Fortunately for them, they have the right abilities to take down a sandworm. Ultron moves to counter attack against the duo…

Superman’s eyes open, staring at the beauty of Gargantua, feeling fueled beyond necessary. He starts shooting laser beams from his eyes down onto the city, attempting to target the spread out Murderflies. Cyclops tries sending beams back towards the kryptonian, but in this state, Kent’s heat vision overpowers Cyclops to the point of melting his brain. Jean Grey senses her main piece (whom she cheats on numerous times) perish and J’onn J’onzz takes advantage of her faltering by focusing heavily on Loki and forcing his mind to take his own life. However, Jean Grey releases her sadness into a concussive blast big enough to take down two city blocks. Whoever was about to win the fight between Ultron v Roku and Iceman will never know because all three of them just disintegrated.

“ENOUGH!” an echoing boom of a voice sounds from Superman in the skies, followed by  SWOOSH and Superman now stands behind Jean Grey. Seconds later, her body crumbles to the ground as Clark had separated her in half with unbelievable speed if you weren’t the Flash. However, the Flash did see what happened and realizes this guy needs to be taken down STAT. Barry Allen starts punching Superman in every direction, faster than Kent can keep up with. It seems to be annoying Superman more than inflicting real damage. Nonetheless, Superman can’t seem to catch the fastest man alive.

“J’onn… run…” Superman squeaks out in distress to his long time friend.

“What do you mean, Clark?” J’onn responds confused.

“RUN!!” Clark screams to the Martian Manhunter. A third time J’onn J’onzz did not need, as he flies away as quickly as possible, returning to space.

Flash is still peppering Superman from all sides, Clark unable to catch him… tries no longer. It appears the blue-shift hazard and chaotic accretion disks of Gargantua has overloaded the Kryptonian’s body and is undergoing cellular degradation. Clark tries releasing the energy overload, but instead it implodes his body creating a nuclear bomb sized explosion in the heart of Central City. Flash is fast enough to outrun such an explosion… but when he was standing only feet away from Superman, there was not enough time to get away…

J’onn J’onzz floats in the sky above, smoking a Lucky Strike, trying to relieve the pain of a ‘victory’ that contained so much loss…

American League First Round: The Underhills Vs. Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips

 The Underhills are Bizarro Superman, Matrix (Supergirl), Neo (w/ 2 blue lightsabers), Parasite, Mogo, Larfleeze, Atrocitus, Jessica Cruz, Arwen Evenstar (w/ Starman & Blue Lantern Ring), Spider-Man (w/ a green lantern ring), Miguel O' Hara (w/ green lantern ring), (Legends) Leia Organa-Solo (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring), Punisher (w/ red lantern ring & purple lightsaber), Microchip, Percy Jackson (w/ green lantern ring), Aule (w/ green lantern ring), Green Lantern #4A, Excalibur:  Captain Britain, Meggan, Shadowcat, Phoenix Nightcrawler, Lockheed, Widget, & Kylun, Omega Supreme, The Episode IV Death Star, Rooster in a B-Wing, Hangman in a TIE Bomber, Starkiller in a T-16 Skyhopper, Bossk & Greef Karga in a Twin Pod Bespin Cloud Car, Revan Reborn, Darth Talon, & Sith Maruader #1-5.

Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips are Black Lantern Supergirl (w/ The Infinity Gauntlet, Power & Time Stones), Vampire Darkseid, Orion, Kalibak, Desaad, Lashina (w/ Red lantern ring), Black Lantern Shazam, Vampire Juggernaut, He-Man & Battle Cat, Black Lantern Ganondorf, Optimus Prime w/ Roller & Combat Deck, Obi Wan Kenobi, Saint Walker, Dante, Diddy Kong (w/ Maula Pistol), Neo Cymek #1-7, Vito Corleone (w/ blue lantern ring), Michael Corleone (w/ green lantern ring), Usagi Yojimbo (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring), Poseidon, QWSP, The Episode VI Death Star, Erasmus, Lucas (w/ awesome cloak, ring, & crown), Ness, Paula, Poo, & Jeff (in The Hulk Buster Ironman Suit), Fall Guys #1-10, USS Defiant under the command of Captain Sisko w/ USS Defiant Officers #1-3, USS Defiant Crew #1-3, Lt. Commander Data, & Quark, Qira, L3-37, Snoopy, & Woodstock in The Millennium Falcon, Cade Skywalker in a Stealth X-Wing, Rebel Pilot #3 in Cubs Fan Han's TIE Slicer, Rio & Kamek (w/ PS-5 Controller) in an Avenger's Quinjet, & Red Robin (w/ 2 ninja swords) on a JLA Super Cycle.

                                                                   PROLOGUE

They both had the same plan.

Two teams.  Same plan.  That's what makes this so messy.  

Mutually assured destruction.  That's what we used to call it in the 1980s.  Ronald Reagan was right about that.  This match proves his point.  Again:  That's what makes this so messy.

They both thought they could get it done before the other squad.  They were both successful.  Not so much in the Ronnie Reagan definition this time though, more like the Don Trump sort of success.   

That's why we reset it.  That's why us Watchers couldn't let them kill over a billion people again, like The Underhills did in Week 5 against The Madhouse.  That's why we couldn't let these two teams just blow up the whole Playoff Planet again.  The rules have been slightly changed.  Although both teams had the plan to get their entire squad off planet and then blow up The Playoff Planet, these two Death Star wielding teams have both been warned that the destruction of The Playoff Planet will result in their immediate disqualification.  In order for either of these squads to win the day, they must have boots on the ground on The Playoff Planet itself.  This may prove difficult as both teams have completely removed themselves from the planet, thinking it would soon explode; which is why the vast majority of this match will take place in space.  That's what makes this so messy.

Keep in mind that there is no Outer Space here to speak of.  The Fantasy Fantasy Playoffs exist in a closed system, blocked off from anything else.  So, the space they have to work with is relatively small when it comes to what is typically recognized as "The vastness of "Space"".  That also means that the two Death Stars and everyone else involved in this match are relatively close to each other.  That's what makes this so messy.  

The smaller Death Star is being commanded by Excalibur, Leia, Frank Castle, Microchip, Percy Jackson, Arwen, Revan, & Lord Talon.  The larger Death Star is being commanded by The Earthbound Crew, Poseidon, Qwsp, Master Kenobi, Usagi, Erasmus, The Corleone's, & Diddy Kong.  Both Death Stars are warming up.  Everyone else is out there free floating and looking for a fight.  That's what makes this so messy.

Pretty boring beginning; but the action is about to commence.  I realize it is a bit oxymoronic to describe "space" as close quarters; but there are some real heavy hitters out there.  

Now let's get this started:

Wasting no time jumping into action, Vampire Darkseid pulls a Parasite on Parasite and physically drains his essence, powers, abilities, and lifeforce as a real vampire from the energy vampire.  Darkseid's henchman fly through the cosmos into battle next but do not fair quite as well as their Ruler.  Atrocitus out powers the red energy abilities of Lashina with a one shot, and then teams up with his frenemy Larfleeze to take out Desaad.  Kalibak enjoys a pitched battle with the blue lightsaber wielding Neo; but despite his superior physical strength comes up short against the Chosen One who, with some extra added superhuman oomph uses the kyber crystal aided sabers to relieve the big Apokoliptian of his head.  Orion, on the other hand makes his estranged vampire Dad proud by proving that girl green lanterns are overrated.  He blasts Jessica Cruz to pieces without even slowing down his astro-force harness.  Black Lantern Supergirl engages in a brutal battle with the equally strong Bizarro, while Black Lantern Ganondorf, who has taken quickly to his new black lantern ring hits Miguel O' Hara, who still hasn't really mastered what his green ring is about with a wicked blast of magical energy to vaporize him into the nothingness of space.  While the now enraged, Gauntlet wielding BL Supergirl finishes off Bizarro with a back and forth flurry of punches and heat vision, Aule teams up with two other green ring wielders, Spider-Man and GL #4A to take out all ten Fall Guys with no casualties.  

Mogo was deserving of so much more than a one shot death for his nine death appearance.  But this match simply has two many heavy hitters to show them all the love they so deserve.  But as the Episode VI Death Star warms up it takes aim at the single most powerful being in this match.  One problem with being an all powerful, living planet, fueled by a massive amount of green lantern energy is that you are a very easy target to hit.  The full blast from the Death Star takes out Mogo just like it was designed to do.  Now, what many people do not realize or understand, something that even many Star Wars nerds do not realize is how much larger the second death star was in comparison to the original.  Almost three times the size of the original with not only more power; but many more options for destruction as well.  With that being said, that also does not mean that the first Death Star, the very Death Star that destroyed the entire planet of Alderaan is not powerful enough to destroy the secnd Death Star.  This is exactly what went down as the larger Death Star was recharging after exposing its location after destroying Mogo.  A sense of overwhelming doom from The Force came to Kenobi after Mogo was destroyed, Erasmus predicted this through an intense mathematical, computer algorithm, and QWSP foresaw it through the 5th Dimension; but all these warnings were not enough to get everyone off of the imploding Death Star in time.  Only Kenobi and Jeff in his HBIMS were fast enough to escape in a physical fashion.  Kenobi through the only used escape pod, and Jeff through the air lock, given that he had a means to survive and navigate space.  QWSP managed to teleport Poseidon, the ring bearing Corleones and Usagi, as well as  himself out successfully.  He attempted to bring Poo along as well; but he did not have a spacesuit causing him to fall victim to the oxygen-devoid environment.  The rest of The Death Star 2 Crew:  Lucas, Ness, Paula, Erasmus, and the ship's Gunner Diddy Kong all fell victim to the destruction.  

Two explosions like my fabled Watcher eyes have never witnessed.  But there is more destruction yet to come.  

Dante, in a fast, yet also heavily armored with heavy firepower Cymek body has a versatile methodology for attack; but he cannot seem to keep up with the ever transforming Omega Supreme who keeps switching back and forth between his rocket and robot modes.  Omega hits the Titan Cymek with a massive plasma blast from his hand mounted cannon.  Both squad's sets of fighter pilots and craft hold back from moving into attack speed as the dust clears from the first round of destruction; but Indigo One does attempt to make a telepathic attack on Leia from outside the Death Star to appeal to her darkest tendencies; but Leia foresees the evil afoot and quickly removes her Indigo Ring, throws it into the air and slices it in half with her lightsaber, saying:  "Not today Dark Side".  While this is going on, the undead maniac duo of BL Shazam and Vamp Juggs make extrememly short work of the five Sith Marauders.  More of a pitched battle takes place between Matrix Supergirl and He-Man.  He-Man has her when it comes to strength and with the Power of Greyskull he has no problem surviving space; but he is having some trouble with maneuverability.  Matrix gets a hold of Battle Cat by the neck and with a massive show of strength, breaks the neck of the empowered Cringer to send Prince Adam's Mount to The Graveyard; but the bloodlusted He-Man quickly returns the favor when he snatches Matrix out of the airless space and rips her in two.  

There are certainly some skilled pilots and well put together craft for The Underhills, but they are a bit outgunned by The vehicles of The Horsemen led by Sisko in their flagship The USS Defiant (but we should not forget that The Underhills still have a Death Star).  Rooster banks left in his B-Wing in an attempt to separate the convoy surrounding The Defiant; but The Horsemen are well trained and are reluctant to take the bait.  The Falcon, who picked up Usagi free floating out in space and placed him in the ventral gunner spot and who is now being piloted by Red Robin who parked his JLA Cycle in the cargo hold considering that Qira doesn't know how to fly as stated clearly in the one movie she is in stays close to the flagship (L3 do be a great co-pilot though).  Kenobi and Jeff both caught a ride as well and are helping out in The Quinjet.  They hang back as well as Sisko instructs them via com to allow The Neo-Cymeks to do the heavy lifting and be the first wave.  The first two Neo-Cymeks are being ridden by Optimus Prime like a pair of Roller Skates while he berates the incoming craft with shots from his blaster rifle.  #3 & #4 are carrying Combat Deck creating, quite a well armed attack vessel, and Roller who is somehow hanging on with his wheels.  Hangman joins Rooster as his Wingman and manages to get behind Neo-Cymek's #4-7 to take them out with a combination of advanced concussion missiles and proton torpedos (bye bye Roller (R.I.P.)).  Starkiller then manages to not only blow Combat Deck to pieces with a perfectly aimed shot at Neo-Cymek #3, but also blasts both of the Neo-Cymek's out from underneath the feet of Prime.  But, once Optimus rights himself, he is able to take aim and bullseye Starkiller's T-16 before he could loop back around.  My boy Chuck, AKA: Rebel Pilot #3 takes advantage of his ship's superior mobility and blasts Bossk and Greef to bits; but Hangman gets behind The Tie Slicer and gets some Underhill revenge.  Rooster and Hangman then engage The Falcon and The Quinjet but are not able to take out the two larger ships.  Their smaller craft take too much damage and eventually succumb to lasers fired by Snoopy and Woodtock in the front Gun and a wildly autistic firing style of Kamek controlled by PS-5 technology.  

While Poseidon is leading a first wave attack on The Death Star, Vampire Darkseid has teamed with his Apokolis brethren and BL Supergirl to take on Larfleeze and Atrocitus who are being led by The Chosen One himself, Neo.  BL Shazam and Vamp Juggs on the other hand are off on their own acting exactly like one would think an unsupervised, undead child/Retard Duo would be expected to act.  As immature and moronic as the two of them are, they still have taken to the space setting and their new power enhancements better than Spider-Man has to his green lantern ring.  This is evidenced by how easily they squash said Spider.  Atrocitus brings some momentum back towards The Underhills as he shows that brains and brawn are better than just brawn as he happily rages out on Kalibak, coating his bludgeoned body with red plasma vomit.  Atrocitus then once again teams with Larfleeze to stop Orion in his tracks ripping off not just his Astro Force Harness; but his limbs as well.  Vampire Darkseid is once again displeased to see citizens of Apokolips killed; but more than anything his own son.  Darkseid, bares his teeth and bites deeply into the neck of Larfleeze decapitating him and then crushing the spine of Atrocitus with a wicked back-breaker.  Neo moves in against Darkseid next and a pitched battle ensues.  Neo leaps inside the body of Darkseid and begins to break him apart slowly on a molecular level.  Neo reemerges out of Darkseid's body and delivers both lightsabers into his exposed heart to finish him off; but right before Darkseid dies he releases Omega Beams from his eyes that jut out in every direction, reconverge with each other and begin coming back at Neo in full force.  Neo, pulls the pair of lightsabers from Darkseid's falling husk and then does the impossible.  He uses his lightsabers to block The Omega Beams and then actually not only stops the beams in their tracks but actually dissipates the attack and absorbs the power.  Neo is alotted no time though to enjoy a feat that was thought to be impossible as Supergirl flies in fast to get in on the action.  They spar evenly for quite a while, until Supergirl falls back to prepare a full frontal assault.  Neo, once again takes on a defensive posture with his lightsabers drawn; but this time, even he can not hold back or absorb a Kryptonian level blow from a black lantern fueled, power stone, Infinity Gauntlet smash.  He-Man has caught a ride on Saint Walker's blue energy aura as they confront Aule.  Aule and Saint Walker engage in an elegant form of mental and energy combat that leaves Saint Walker on the losing end of the spectrum of power.  So, instead of attempting that type of battle again, He-Man just punched Aule's head off the old fashioned way.  Gannon runs in to GL #4A and makes short work of the Corps member with his Black Lantern Ring.  As previously mentioned Poseidon is leading the first wave attack on The Death Star, but that is even more difficult than it sounds.  For, Omega Supreme has transformed and set up his entire space station format in a defensive form on top of The Death Star.  The massive Autobot stands ready for anyone or anything that will threaten the integrity of his squad's home base.  Poseidon quickly finds that his first wave of soldiers is not enough.  Poseidon, QWSP, Michael, and Vito move in pretty swiftly; but are no match for Omega.  The Corleones are a brilliant and devious bunch; but despite their green and blue lantern auras protecting them in space, they are very much out of their element.  Space just isn't their scene as they are both swatted out of the vastness like flies by Supreme.  QWSP doesn't fair much better as he is coated by laser plasma.  Poseidon retreats back a little ways to regroup with the others before they try to step to Omega Supreme again.        

As all of the remaining Horsemen regroup and begin their assault on The Death Star and its guardian Omega Supreme, a conversation amongst the Underhills command crew begins inside of the battle station.  Princess Leia speaks to her fellow Underhills saying:  "I know that most of us are not exactly outer space fighters; but we are going to need to get out there and help defend this station.  Omega Supreme is tough; but he can't hold off The Horsemen forever.  He is going to need our help.  For those of us who can pilot a ship, there are some short range TIE Fighters aboard that we can move out in.  They aren't easy to fly, so be careful.  In my opinion, the members of Excalibur should stay here and operate The Death Star, while the rest of us get out there in spacesuits if necessary and take the fight to The Horsemen".  

Captain Britain chimes in saying:  "We don't all need to stay.  I can definitely help out out there and we would be crazy to leave Rachel inside".  Kitty should stay here with a few other people".  

The room begins to stir and it seems like a disagreement is about to take place, when Frank Castle speaks up loud enought o be heard:  "If we leave Microchip inside with Kitty Pryde, along with Widget, he can hack into the computer and the other two are smart enough to run the defenses and keep The Death Star going as a skeleton crew, while the rest of us go out and fight.  Now let's stop wasting time and make it happen".  

"All Horseman, this is Captain Sisko.  Focus all firepower on Omega Supreme; and"........

"WAIT"!!  Interupts Rio from The Quinjet.  "We got company!!  It isn't just Omega Supreme anymore".

"Scatter the forces Horsemen!!  Bogies EVERYWHERE"!!  Sisko says changing the orders.

Arwen, no space suit necessary due to the blue lantern aura from her ring protecting her pulls Hadafang from its sheath and then promptly bites off more than she can chew from the unstoppable Juggernaut who does not slow his roll at all as he crushes the elf; but before she goes down, she is aware of the problem a few of her fellow teammates have just run into.  She flings her Starman buddy to Punisher who catches it and goes invincible for a short time.  Optimus Prime, who had just ran over top of Kylun is shocked to get a barrage of red lantern fueled bullets and bazooka blasts from The Punisher, who then finishes off the Autobot leader by running right through him before his star power runs out (I think he even turned into a turte shell).  Percy Jackson is squaring off against Poseidon in what looks like an underwater battle as they move fluidly through space.  In fact it looks a lot like a fake NASA video made for boomers where they are actually underwater but pretending like the astroNOTS are actually in space.  Percy in a space suit has definitely got some moves; but he can't quite hang with the King of the Sea whose ancient god makeup does not require any sort of suit.  Poseidon sends Percy flying with a kick to the chest and then quickly catches back up to him and delivers a trident into his chest.  Revan and Darth Talon, both in short range TIE Fighters square off in a dogfight with The Milennium Falcon and The Quinjet.  Neither of the Force Wielding TIE Pilots are successful; but it is unsure if they survived the experience as they both hit their pod Eject buttons.  Jeff, bravely uses his Hulk Buster Ironman Suit to carry out the original plan and he gets some good hits in on Omega Supreme; but Omega uses his size to overpower the earthbound character and crush the suit beyond its usefullness.  Black Lantern Supergirl clips the side of Leia's TIE Fighter causing her to Eject as well.  Good thing she can survive in space and fly around as evidenced in The Last Jedi (just kidding, we aren't ghey here; she is in a space suit).  Phoenix, Meggan, and Lockheed team up on BL Shazam.  The fires of the Phoenix Force and the cosmic breath of Lockheed are enough to take out Captain Marvel; but the godlike powers of Meggan are destroyed by Shazam before the Excalibur members take him out.  Nightcrawler, flying the last remaining TIE Fighter, unleashes a fury of lasers on He-Man; but The Eternian flings his axe at the ship to destroy it.  Nightcrawler "BAMFS" out of the ship and attempts an attack on He-Man from behind; but He-Man uses the sword of Power to quickly relieve the mutant of his head.  Captain Britain takes flight and begins doing battle with Ganondorf.  The battle seems quite pitched at first; but Britain using his powers of Arthurian mysticism are not quite enough to take out the black lantern until Revan and Darth Talon show up to lend a hand with both sides of the force and some lightsaber work to end Ganon for good.  Omega Supreme is beginning to slow down.  Jeff in the HBIMS managed to do a little damage; but the real damage has come from a full frontal assault by The USS Defiant.  Quark pours them drinks, while Data gives the Autobot "everything she has got".  The damage is permanent; but Omega isn't done fighting yet, as he transforms into tank mode and blasts The Defiant into pieces with three well aimed blasts.  

Kenobi hates flying and is tired of riding shotgun in The Quinjet.  He puts his spacesuit back on and hands the co-pilot reigns back to Kamek.  Kenobi leaps into action with his blue lightsaber drawn and moves towards both Revan Reborn and Darth Talon.  This may seem like a tough scenario for the Jedi Master; but as it turns out Sith Lords are his speCIAlty.  He uses his Force mastery to quickly take out Darth Talon, not even realizing that she was the apprentice of the first Sith Lord he had killed and then uses his superior Form 3 technique to take out Revan as well.  The Millennium Falcon and The Quinjet converge on The Death Star Guardian Omega Supreme to see if their firepower can take out the massive Transformer that so many have failed to do thus far in this match.  The two ships take heavy damage from Omega but while working together they begin to see him falter.  Red Robin finally ejects his own JLA Cycle, loaded with weaponry out of the cargo hold and into the chest of Omega which serves as the final blow to Supreme.  The Falcon and the Quinjet, heavily damaged from their battle attempt to regroup; but both ships are taken out by The Death Star's Turbo Lasers.  The Punisher is tough as nails, even without his red lantern ring and massive arsenal; but it isn't enough to stop The Unstoppable Juggernaut.  Leia finds herself outgunned when both Supergirl and Poseidon approach her.  Organa-Solo, despite her mastery of The Force and her brilliance in battle strategy is not powerful enough to survive the confrontation; but she does manage to slice Poseidon in half at the waste and make sure the two halves stay detached with a Force Push into space.  Rachel Summers blasts He-Man with a potent dose of Phoenix Force.  When the smoke clears, He-Man realizes that he is being hit with a barrage of punches from Captain Britain that could knock down a skyscraper.  He-Man grabs his Sword of Power and unleashes a firestorm of magical energy on Capt. Britain to finish him off, while he simultaneously grabs Lockheed by the throat and breaks his neck.  But the bruised and battered He-Man, a champion of the day does finally succumb to another cosmic blast from the new age Marvel Girl.  

Cade Skywalker, a man who has been relatively silent this match is drawn to an action that no person has ever told him to do.  A voice through the force immitating muscle memory has told him to fly down a specific trench of the space station just like his Great Great Grandfather had done in a very similar ship.  The Force Ghost of Luke Skywalker speaks to him and tells him exactly when to fire his proton torpedos.  But it is a little messier this time.....  Yes.  The Death Star does explode; but under the command of Kitty Pryde, it had already unleashed every counter-measure that The Empire had built in.  A move that the arrogant Grand Moff Tarken was unwilling to do.  Cade pulls up after he makes his shot; but the countermeasures and explosions take out not only Kenobi and Juggernaut on the surface; but also Rachel Summers, whose death causes a rupturing of The Phoenix Force which takes out Cade's Stealth X-Wing as well.  

Back on The Play-Off Planet the citizens have frighteningly watched the massive explosions from space as this battle has raged on.  Beyond scared; but thankful that for once this battle did not ravage their planet with death and destruction.  In Town square they watch a few moments after an explosion that dwarfed the battle signs they had been wathing for the past few days as a single figure descends from the Heavens.  A red and blue boot from a solitary figure touches down on the street; and this bloody contest finally comes to an end.  

Week 9 Consortium: 1992 Space Movie vs Ghey Neighbors from Outer Drive

Ghey Neighbors: Bolin, Mako, and Pabu 

1992 Space Movie: Homelander and Alec:  The Cutest Tard ever from Shriners.

Week 9 - Underhills vs Dolla 49 McRib

The Underhills are: Iroh, Chief Priest Hedley Tuek, Foghorn Leghorn

Dolla 49 McRib is: Amazo w/ Space Stone

Amazo kicks in the door to Josh and Alex's crib and sees the Underhills waiting for him. They have been waiting all week so they've already watched all the VHS tapes and Hedley Tuek is sitting by the door and has read through half of the books on his shelves. Foghorn Leghorn is on his fifth bag of pistachios and has puked in the bathroom 3 times this week. 

Iroh wastes no time throwing a whirlwind of fire around Amazo so fierce he cannot break through before his android circuitry begins to malfunction and he shuts down. Hedley Tuek was unfortunately also engulfed by friendly flame before he could retreat from the front foyer. 

Iroh and Foghorn make it out the back door as the house goes up in flames. As he pats out the charring feathers on his hind, Foghorn sings quips, "I ain't seen a man flame up that fast since Lilith Fair '99"

Scar & Bob's TP & D vs. The Sigmaz

 

Scar & Bob’s TP & D is: Thor

The Sigmaz are: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Various Glocks, and five members of The Huzz

A distinct crack of thunder pounds the door of The Houslander Hood Home; ostentatious, but cordial. The door swings open, revealing a sunny and cloudless sky. Thor enters the living room. He eyes the stillness of the arena with a casual cautiousness, uncertain where his foe may be found. He regards the various nerd media and begins to reminisce on a particular decade:

“Ah, the years of nineteen and eighty. ‘Twas a strange time for Midgard indeed. Wars waged violently, and those waged passively through threat of mutual destruction. Discotheques booming with the sound of electric symphony, lit up in the very colors of the bifrost. Large hair and boots on small maidens. I remember it fondly, though the mystical snows from the land of Colombia do cloud my memory.”

As he browses, he comes across a set of familiar green faces mounted on the wall, each in a differently colored eyemask.

“Hark, the adolescent turtle ninjas! What jovial facemasks are these! Their valiant battles with The Shredder are stuff of true legend. Perhaps not as valiant as MY exploits, especially since they are four and I am but one very powerful God… but nonetheless, they were a force to be reckoned with. I wonder, how much hath Lord Houslander paid for such lifelike memorabilia? The scales are downright… Hm?”

It’s then that four green hands holding pistols come busting through the drywall in unison, the Turtles’ faces still frozen in cartoonish grins. Thor barely reacts in time to dodge the salvo of bullets that tear through the living room. The Turtles walk the remainder of their stocky frames through the wall to face Thor.

                “The 80’s were radical, dude, gnarly and tubular!” barks Mikey.

                “But you’re not a true 80’s kid” adds Donatello.

                “You were just an old man then, and you’re an even older man now” quips Raphael.

    “And we’re not gonna lose to a dusty old myth!” declares Leo, and the four leap into battle.

The ninja turtles pull their usual weapons, jumping from furniture and bouncing off walls as they begin their 4v1 melee against the startled Asgardian. Though he is caught off guard, he skillfully deflects each of them as they bound toward him.

“Jest not with me, upstart reptiles! My many years have not slowed me in the slightest – nay, they have brought experience and strength the likes of which are yet unknown to you!”

With confidence of purpose, Thor punctuates this point with a swift uppercut of Mjolnir into the jaw of the descending Donatello. The TMNT machinist is bloodlessly decapitated as his brain stem unplugs from his spinal column, and his body ragdolls into the corner of the room.

                “Oh my god, they killed Donny!” cries Michelangelo.

                “You bastard!” snarls Raphael.

                Leonardo gives a circling “round-up” hand signal, ordering: “Now, Mikey, do it!”

As Raph and Leo continue holding Thor off, Michelangelo dives out of the fray and runs through the kitchen to the bathroom door. The moment he opens it, five fine Huzzies come pouring out over each other, scrambling for footing. Thor brings the hammer down upon another victim, crushing Raphael this time.

“What trickery is this, mutants?! To bring mortal women into the- wait, I know these women!”

Without delay the Huzz is upon Thor, each one a woman he had bedded and left behind in his cocaine-crazed dance hall days. “Where did you go, baby?” “Why’d you never pay child support?” “Where’s the $16k you owe Slick Jimmy for our little party in Cabo?” Newly awash with true terror, Thor begins to club these clubbers from his past. With his guard broken, he feels two Glock barrels press against either underside of his occipital lobe, and the lights go out.

TEAM Vs. Grayson, Jack, & Ben's Goobers

 TEAM is Josh Houslander:  Swordmaster of Ginaz, Alex Houslander:  Indigo Lantern, Alex Houslander (w/ Super Scope 6), Maria Ianni, Yakub, Mark Constantagious, Dapper Man, & Jump City Police Officer #3.

Grayson, Jack, & Ben's Goobers are:  Hyperion.

 On the border between Redford and Detroit, lies the historical district known as Old Redford.  Entering the urban area and exiting the suburbs.  One small step into the city, one giant leap into the hood.  There sits Salem street, where a fun little get together is taking place.  Napoli pizza is slapping, VHS Tapes are playing, the landscape is eloquently adorned with vintage collectibles, not-so leather bound books, and music on myriad formats......  The Turbo Grafx-16 still works just as well as that first time it played Keith Courage back in 1992, but Air Zonk is on the menu today.   Two different Alexes exist in this scenario, so the dishes in the sink are brimming to insane proportions, but Nikki must have been here recently because the rest of the place is clean and  decently presentable aside from the clutter of 17 notebooks and about a dozen unshelved books and comics that Josh isn't quite done with yet.  

  The Swordmaster of Ginaz is enjoying deep conversation and a Spice Beer like they traditionally have drank for centuries (actually just a Keystone Light with a habanero floating in it).  After inviting in both Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses over the past week to discuss theology, Josh thought it was only fair to invite in Yakub to share the thoughts stored in his extra large head and discuss the true history of the African American People (I call them African Americans, I'm not sure what you call them (it certainly isn't what Dapper Man is saying ever since he crossed Inkster in his BMW (which isn't as cool as the vintage one in the backyard here))).  Maria is pretty grossed out as she is now subjected to twice as many burps and farts from Alex and Alex.  The Statist Cop in the room just transferred from Jump City where they frequently have to arrest Meta-Humans and Super Villains to Detroit where he now feels terribly under qualified; which is why he is hanging out at the edge of the city hiding from the deep hood.  Mark Constantagious won't sit down, he is instead pacing the floor and working the room.  Mark is an all around bro and is gladly sharing his time with everyone in the house.  As each conversation ends and the next one begins you can hear echos around the room from the previous conversation.  "Mark Constantagious SAVES us, SAVES us Money, SAVES us MONEY, TIME, AND Hassle" after he hollas at chu.  Everything is going great, and the whole house is enjoying the day and each others company.  Until Hyperion, just bursts through the door, breaking it right off the hinges.  What a Jerk.  The landlord is gonna be pissed.  

"Who invited dis Crackah" yells Yakub.  

But as described in the above paragraph, the room is brimming with some seriously bad dudes, so they waste no time, jumping into action.  Hyperion strikes first, using his atomic vision heat beams that are totally not ripping off Superman and focuses the energy directly at the massive cranium of Yakub, blowing brilliant brain matter all over the room.  Gross.  What a mess.  Nikki is gonna be pissed (Dapper Man not so much).  Indigo Lantern Alex takes flight a few feet off the ground to position himself over the piano and hit Hyperion with a full blast of Indigo energy.  Unrelenting in his defense of the house, Indigo Alex fully drains not only his own energy but the full power of the Ring, creating the weakest possible version of the Eternal and filling Hyperion with a toxic empathy (basically, he turned him in a Democrat).  Still very physically strong after the attack, Hyperion punches the weakened Indigo Alex blasting him back to South Redford.  Josh nods to Alex and Maria who run to the basement, knowing exactly what they are supposed to do.  They go on a search of one of the most coveted pieces of their family's retro gaming collection.  The Jump City Cop ends up getting used as a blunt force object against Dapper Man; but the Ginaz trained Josh and Mark Constantagious, both consummate professionals are aware of their surroundings and leap into action against Hyperion, knowing they have to buy some time for Alex and Maria to complete their mission.  Josh's form 4 double sword variant is flawless and Mark Constantagious runs to the living room dresser to arm himself with a Katana blade in one hand and a bag full of pennies in the other.  Josh and Mark Constantagious, two Detroit area legends, may be two men; but they move and attack as a single unit.  They know that Hyperion may be physically stronger, but their fighting prowess is far beyond that of the Superman knock off.  If only one of the hits from Hyperion lands on the duo, it is game over; so they simply make sure that hit doesn't land.  Hyperion is riddled with stabs, slices, and penny slaps chipping away at the meta-human attempting to take him down with a death by a thousand cuts.  The duo of Josh and Mark Constantagious are moving in unison absent of mistakes and vacant of any flaw save one:  They may be just too bro-ey, Bro (if there is such a thing).  Even with an excellence of execution that would impress Curt Hennig himself, Josh has the foresight to realize that their skirmish is simply a diversion.  As he hears Alex and Maria running back up the stairs to rejoin the fight, he hopes that the sacrifice that must be made to save their home can be made by him and him alone and that his homeboy Mark Constantagious can perhaps live to fight another day along with his son and perhaps future daughter in law.  Josh throws his swords into the air and reaches behind him to pull out two Glocks that he fluidly tosses to Mark Constagious, who catches them simultaneously.  Josh then grabs the two Ginaz forged swords out of mid-air and delivers a vicious pair of slices to the throat of Hyperion, cutting him deeply.  Opening himself up for the sacrifice play, Josh is grabbed out of the air by Hyperion as he screams in pain from the wounds inflicted on him and brings Josh down for a back breaker that shatters the spine of the Ginaz Swordmaster.  Mark Constangious screams "NOOOOOOOOO" as he sees his Bestie go down and opens fire with flawless aim towards the wound just inflicted by Josh.  More Eternal blood fills the room; but still cannot take down Hyperion.  Alex and Maria appear out of the kitchen with the item they successfully retrieved from the basement.  The furious Hyperion grabs the wooden chair by the bookshelf that Josh needs to stand on to reach the top shelf of books and DVDs.  He breaks off a wooden stake from the chair and throws it in the direction of Alex.  Destined to be a definite kill shot into the chest of Alex, Mark Constantagious leaps in front of the wooden shard taking the hit for the son of his BFF and fulfilling his ultimate goal for Alex and Maria.  He dies successful, knowing that he saved them from the hassle of death.  Honored by the sacrifice of the great Mark Constantagious, the young couple combine not only their saved money, time, and hassle, but their bravery and resolve as Maria yells:  "AIM FOR THE NECK"!!  Alex, now playing not just with power; but Super Power raises The Super Scope Six, takes aim at the weakened area in the neck of Hyperion, and blows his head clean off.  

The Doctor's Madhouse Vs. Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips

 The Doctor's Madhouse is: The Silver Surfer.

Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips is:  The Deadly Viper Assassin Squad:  Beatrix Kiddo, Bill, Budd, O-Ren Ishii, Vernita Green, & Elle Driver, Autobot Cassette #3, Red Wizard #1, Black Widow #5 (w/ Rito Bow), Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #10, & Fall Guy #2 (w/ a magic wand).  

Week 9 Democracy: Josh and Alex's New Crib in Da Hood: The Cowboy Killaz Vs. The Sigmas

 The Cowboy Killaz are:  John Stewart & Cal Kestis.

The Sigmas are:  The Peaky FOCKEN Blinders:  Thomas Shelby, Arthur Shelby, John Shelby, Finn Shelby, Polly Shelby, & Ada Shelby, and riding in The Pimp Mobile:  Vincent Vega (Driver), Marcellus Wallace (riding shotgun), & Dante & Randall (backseat).  

Gayneighbors from Outer Drive Vs. The Sigmas

 

Gayneighbors from Outer Drive are The Watchmen:  The Comedian, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre (w/ purple lightsaber), Ozymandias & Rorschach (w/ orange lightsaber), Unalaq, Desna, Eska, The Noid, Freddy Kruger, Gobo, Mokey, Red, Wembley, Boober, Uncle Traveling Matt, Mick Foley, Dark Side Marauder #1-5, Refrigerator Perry, Santa's Little Helper, Junkeon #10, & Storm Trooper #6-7.

The Sigmas are Dante & Randall in The Millennium Chowder, Vincent Vega, Marcellus Wallace, MLK Jr., Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Benito Mussolini, Aristotle, Fred Stathers (w/ a Ray Gun), Linda from Copper Door, Nikki Royse, Mystique, Roboto, Snout Spout, Whiplash, Bene Gesserit #1-7, & Blaster w/ Rewind, Eject, Grandslam, Raindance, Nightstalker, Playback, Ramhorn, Steel jaw, Dile, Zaur, Graphy, Noise, Rosanna, Stripes, & Blackcat.  

7:15 PM

Welcome to Redford, MI and the famous Sandy's by the Beech.  The year is 1999 and the world is still free (at least it feels like it (the illusion is still strong before the turn of the Millennium)).  It is the Monday night after hunting season, pitchers of Bud Light are like a nickel or something, every other shot is free, the smell of Marlboro is in the air, mixing with the smell of Sandy's Delight, backroom cigars are about to happen, and Kurt Houslander:  The King of Sandy's himself has assembled an elite group of De-Generates including Tom, his nephew Josh, the young bachelor Chris Artrip, Eddie Zacharski, and Larry Reamer.  One of the first meetings of the Ill Council will take place this night.  Sandy's is packed (why wouldn't it be??  It's a Monday night in the 90s).  Kurt and his crew are just some chill guys; so they sit in the back area leaving the front part of the bar for the Riff Raff.  The look of Sandy's is mostly unchanged as it will remain for decades to come; but they do instantly notice a new bright red juke box in the back corner that looks pretty sweet.  

7:45 PM

Some Gay, meat suit wearing neighbors show up early for dinner, which is good because there is about a half hour wait to get inside.  Uncle Traveling Matt had been to Sandy's before in his past travels and since he and his homies were in town he convinced them that they had to try it.  They all pile into the vestibule shoulder to shoulder to wait for tables or seats at the bar after Colleen tells them that she isn't pushing tables together for the whole squad and that they would just have to deal with it.  I mean:  Who do they think they are, Houslanders??  Junkeon #10 isn't allowed inside; No........  Not because they don't serve his kind here, he is just too big to get in the door.  He transforms into his motorcycle form and waits in the parking lot with the other cool looking cars and trucks (no SUVs, the world doesn't suck yet).  Santa's Little Helper is denied access as well by Dar who laughs at them when they try to pull some emotional support animal crap.  It's the 90s, nobody effing cares about your emotions or your support.  Santa's Little Helper makes his way 3/4 of a mile east of there into Detroit and joins a wild pack of dogs.  From there he is quickly killed by a street gang; probably the Square Boyz or The Latin Counts (unlike Zach, I have no problem killing off dogs in my matches, even in the intro).  Like I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, these are a happy group of fellows, just here for a good time (for you youngsters reading this, it was the last century, and gay still meant happy back then in the olden times).  Uncle Traveling Matt recognizes someone he knows at the very first table by the ATM (yes, they had ATMs in the 90s); and they save it for him as they are leaving.  He sits down front and center with Gobo, Mokey, Red, Wembley, Boober, and The Noid.  They are a fun group and fit right in with Sandy's eclectic crowd.  Refrigerator Perry and Mick Foley grab the first two seats at the bar.  Freddy Kruger snatches up a bar stool by the back door, along with Unalaq, Desna, & Eska.  The Watchmen walk in last and take the very back table in the front room.  Rorschach hasn't showered since Nineteen-80-EVER, but his rank smell seems to go unnoticed through the thick cloud of smoke.  This makes Silk Spectre and Ozymandias happy considering that they have to share a table with him and they are both hungry.  The Comedian has a fresh cigar going and is loving life as he lean back in his chair and admires all the Redford talent, with their famous busty figures on display (it's weird, but true.  Just something in the water in Redford (trust me, it's science)).  The five Dark Side Marauders are outside in the parking lot ripping death sticks, because they don't realize that Michigan hasn't become a Statist Hellhole quite yet and that they are allowed to smoke inside.  Storm Trooper #6 & 7 (6767676767 ha ha) look around for a seat but a couple of off duty Redford Cops see them and decide that they don't like some other pigs hanging out in their bar trying to steal their proverbial Kool Aid.  The cops take the Troopers out back for an old fashioned shooting contest.  The Storm Troopers miss.  RPD doesn't.  

8:15 PM

The Sigmas show up late and aren't in great moods.  Maybe you could say they are looking for a fight, maybe you could say they aren't.  You see, up to this point; no team in Fantasy Fantasy history has ever gone winless for an entire season and The Sigmas are not happy about potentially being the first.  They all filter into the bar with chips on their shoulders and try to find some seats wherever they can.  Nikki Royse has just celebrated her 21st birthday and instantly finds someone willing to give up their seat at the bar for her (like she always does).  She then convinces the guy sitting next to her to stand up, so her friend Linda from The Copper Door can sit  (Linda, I don't think should even be born yet to be honest, but we won't get into that time vortex now).  Nikki lights up a cowboy killer, and instructs the bar keep that she wants to order 2 Budweisers, two lemon drops, the Mexican Basket, A half pound burger extra rare, a chicken sandwich, and whatever Linda wants.  Fred Stathers wanders into the back and sees one of his favorite Youngens Larry and some other familiar faces.  He plops down and drinks every Miller Genuine Draft that Sandy had ordered for the month of November in exactly sixty minutes and zero seconds before he decides to go out on the prowl and chase some girls.  He leaves them with this bit of wisdom saying:  "The problem with going to Sandy's by the Beech, is that you can't leave the place without getting laid".  Dante and Randall are still chilling in the parking lot in the cherry 88' Dodge Daytona Pacifica with the T-Tops off.  The car, commonly referred to as The Millinnium Chowder was just gifted to them by Josh Houslander last week after they tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers in a Star Wars themed Wedding at The Unitarian Church.  Rumor has it that Randall is the butch, and Dante is the b****.  At least that is what I heard.  Mystique is someone in this bar, I am just not sure who.  Vincent Vega is cool, but his rizz has nothing on the two brothas he is hanging out with, walking up and down the front center aisle.  The three dudes are showing some serious swagger as Vincent follows the lead of Marcellus Wallace and Martin Luther KIng Jr. In his designer suit.  Marty looks at Marcellus and says:  "Damn Mr. Wallace, Ima tell you what.  I'm gonna do you a solid and let you have the second finest Redford white chick in here after I take my pick of the litter.  There may even be some scraps left fror you Vince".  Marcellus Wallace brings Marty in for the half man hug as he is allowed his retort of:  "My N****".  Snout Spout, Whiplash, and Roboto are in the mood to throw down and they take a seat near the back next to The Watchmen and a big pickle tub full of foreshadowing.  At the table near the entrance to the backroom, sits Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Benito Mussolini, & Aristotle.  I was convinced that I was about to overhear some fantastic bit of philosophical conversation taking place here; but instead they are mostly just discussing how they can't believe how many coloreds have been allowed in this establishment (it's like five).  The Seven Bene Gesserits never made it inside, and instead got in a tussle with the Dark Side Marauders.  I never saw any of them again.  I don't know exactly how the fight went down because I am enjoyig my Schooner on Texas Toast with Bacon (and why do I have to keep reminding you that you don't have to go outside to smoke).  

9:45 PM

Dante and Randall are mostly arguing over who is going to go spit some game at that Nikki chick on their team.  Randall is pretty sure she wants him, especially since she say their sweet Daytona and said that whoever drives that car must be the coolest dude of all time.  Maybe some day she will find him.  But, The Clerks then realize that Junkeon #10 is more than just a motorcycle and challenge him to a race.  One might think that the space age Cybertronian technology built into the transformer would blow the doors off of this poor man's sports car from the 80s, but you obviously do not understand the turbo charged Mopar power of the 88' Daytona.  If you have any doubt of the intense speed that could be harassed by The Millinnium Chowder than you should probably listen to the song "Turbo Charged" by Nico Blue.  And then try not to kill yourself.  The race heads west on Five Mile towards Bates in Livonia, when Junkeon #10, already severely behind crashes into The Golden Lantern Restaraunt, changing the timeline making into become Sam's Place several years earlier.  Dante and Randall disappear into Livonia and are never heard from again.  It is rumored that they were surrounded by dozens of insanely hot chicks and smothered to death by them.  This was a common problem for dudes who drove the Millinnium Chowder.  

10:45 PM

Josh is too broke for anything other than beer, so Kurt gives him some money and says:  "Play something good on the Juke box Fag".  So Josh does as instructed.  Josh and Ed then walk over to the fancy new, shiny, red Jukebox; but just as their first Nine Inch Nails Song begins to play, they realize that it is not an ordinary Juke Box; but actually the Autobot Blaster, who then ejects Rewind, Eject, Grandslam & Raindance (who merge to form Slamdance), Nightstalker, Playback, Ramhorn, Steeljaw, Dile, Zaur, Graphy, Noise, Rosanna, Stripes, & Blackcat.

10:50 PM

All Hell has broken loose.

10:51 PM

Josh and Ed return to the table.  Chris and Tom are mildly annoyed by the ruckus.  Kurt and Larry order another round of Rattle Snakes.  

10:52  PM

Colleen quickly brings the shots, and empties the ash trays with the help of Dar and assures the guys that this round is "On Sandy".  She then calls us stupid for not ordering two more pitchers a minute ago.  She was right.  They were thirsty.

10:53 PM

Kurt and the crew quench their thirst and quit bing parched for the time being.

11:00  PM

The bar is being torn apart by the two rival gangs.  Must be The Square Boyz and The D-KingZ again is what most of the regular patrons think.  

11:30 PM

As Blaster's Cassettes rush into the front room to join the brawl already in progress, they see that The Comedian, Ozymandias, Rorschach, and NIte Owl have already been killed; but that didn't stop The Watchmen from taking some dudes down with them.  Silk Spectre wasn't in the fight for some reason.  She was last seen eyeing Fred Stathers' Ray Gun and I guess they left together.  Roboto, Snout Spout, and Whiplash went down as well.  Freddy Kruger is still standing for now; but his powers are diminished here.  Because Sandy's don't sleep MY DAWGS.  RECOGNIZE.  The Avatar dudes see their fellow Neighbors going down and start putting on a clinic all over Blaster's Cassettes.  Blaster himself has been destroyed by a well placed hammer blast from The Noid.  No more Nine Inch Nails.  The Fraggles are Butt Housed; but having the time of their life.  Can't say they are much help in the fight though.  They just start arguing with Thomas Jefferson's table about baseball even though nobody involved has ever watched a sport.  Mick Foley body slams his own teammate William "Refrigerator" Perry as a dare from Benito Mussolini who is slamming red wine like it is white wine; but as it turns out The Fridge was actually Mystique so it worked out.  The real Fridge got shivved by the duo of Wallace and King for eyeing their chick-a-dees.  The Sigmas then try to put together a last ditch effort to destroy their enemies and not go winless this season and do finally take out Unalaq, Desna, & Eska after almost every Cassette and the rest of the squad are taken out in a long drawn out bar fight for the ages.  

                

1:45 AM

Kurt and the boys decide it is time to leave because they are nice guys and they don't want to stay until the last minute.  They know Colleen and Dar want to close the place up and get home.  It's called being a gentleman D-Bags.  As Josh stumbles out first, Kurt and Larry catch him checking out this hot skinny blonde chick cashing out at the bar.  Larry calls him a fag and says:  "Aren't you engaged or something"??  Kurt then makes reference to "Josh's tongue" and "her bung".  Chris and Ed can barely walk but they are talking about Doom and Duke NuKem.  Tom is laughing at all of them.  Larry seems totally fine and asks the Fraggles on the way out if he can give them a ride home.  They need it.  

1:50 AM

Chris asks the crew:  "That was kind of a crazy night at Sandy's wasn't it"??  Kurt replies:  "Meh, not really.  See ya next Monday Fags".  Everyone nods in agreement.  

1:59 AM

The bar is almost empty and the place is being cleaned up, when a very sober smallish, chick Autobot walks up the bar after having taken part in the battle royal that just concluded.  "Did I miss last call??  How about a wine cooler"??  Colleen rolls her eyes as she looks back at the clock and says:  "Fine....  Just one and your out of here".