I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Playoffs
Week 1 Match located at the Playoff Planet.
They are as follows:
Logical Genocide:
Ion, The Spectre, Nekron, The Champion of the Universe, Han Solo: Rogue Jedi in
an A-Wing, Cosmic Spider-Man, Barry Allen with blue lantern ring, Az-Rel and
Nadira, Titan Maximum, Siren with trident and Xebel Soldiers #1-4, Sandworm
#11, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman with flesh rotting disease gun, Red Lantern
#2, Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Goro with yellow lantern ring,
Centerion #1 Harold "Hot Fudge Harry" McTwivent, Chris Seeney with
golem creating gun, green lightsaber, magno-kryptonite and a life model decoy
#1 in Superman's truck.
H.M. & B.O.
Commandos: Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Black Lantern Set, Zombie
Polaris, Leon with Despotellis' yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with green
lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with blue lantern ring, Barriss Offee, Madame
Blanc with yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with red lantern ring, Helena
Markos with red lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #1 with indigo lantern ring,
Suspiria Witch Coven #2, Suspiria Witch Coven #3, Suspiria Witch Coven #4,
Suspiria Witch Coven #5, Norma Cenva with green lantern ring, Maestro,
Heimdall, White Lantern Deadman, Buffy Summers with blue lightsaber, Willow
Rosenberg with Dumbledore's wand, Angel, Xander, Rupert Giles, Surtur, Zombie
Wonder Girl, The Atom, Venus and Serena Williams, Taylor Swift with Sith lanvarok,
Jen Lindley with jetpack and green lightsaber, Worm Becks and Doozer #13.
Let the battle
begin. . .
City Region. . .
The Nubian goddesses shuffle down
the street and stop as they notice Worm Becks (hereinafter “WB”) in the middle
of the street. Venus and Serena Williams
laugh to themselves as WB’s body violently gyrates across the pavement. Their smiles fade when Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman (hereinafter
“BLB2”) flies to the scene.
BLB2: Only one Beckerman can
survive this match you putrid piece of sh#t!!!
BLB2 squeezes the trigger of his
flesh rotting disease gun. WB writhes in
agony as the flesh begins to fall off his body.
WB is heard singing to the Williams’ sisters as his figure melts away.
WB: I wanna f@ck you
like an animal,
I wanna feel you from the inside;
I wanna f@ck you like an animal,
My whole existence is flawed.
The Williams sisters rush away,
having just seen their orgasmic lover disintegrate into dust. BLB2 uses his ring to project black lances at
the tennis pros. The sisters
miraculously deflect a majority of the objects with their rackets. BLB2 draws his weapon again and is about to fire
when Serena, with a well-timed throw, accurately displaces BLB2 of his flesh
rotting disease gun. BLB2 screams in
anger and races at the twins. He tackles
them both at the same time and the three fall to the ground.
BLB2: Not the oreo cookie I had in mind ladies!!!
The female athletes repeatedly pound
BLB2. Nonetheless, the lantern manages
to shred the clothes of his enemy. BLB2
focuses on the ample bosoms of the Williams and sisters and cackles. In an instant (and after a slight feel of
boob), he rips out the hearts of both women.
BLB2: Now that is what I call a Grand Slam!!!
Plains Region. . .
Jen Lindley floats across the sky
with her jetpack. She senses the enemy
and ignites her green lightsaber. She
avoids the fiery rage-vomit spewed by Red Lantern #2 (hereinafter “RL2”).
Lindley: For Dawson
Lindley lashes out with her
lightsaber and manages to strike RL2.
Embarrassed at being bested by a measly girl, RL2 flies at the teenager
and tears her jetpack off. Lindley
crashes to the ground, but a well-placed barrel roll saves her life. Katniss Everdeen comes to Lindley’s aid and
fires a green lantern arrow through the eye of RL2, killing the combatant. The two women fly off together with the
assistance of Everdeen’s green lantern ring.
As the women soar through the
sky, they are struck by a cosmic blast.
The two women fall to the ground and are met by Cosmic Spiderman. The two women ready themselves with defensive
stances, ring and lightsaber ready.
Cosmic Spiderman: Please.
Cosmic Spiderman unleashes his
Captain Universe enhanced abilities upon the young starlets. It is only a matter of seconds before both
Lindley and Everdeen are decimated. Leon
Cosmic Spiderman: Sorry bunky, time to die.
Cosmic Spiderman kills Leon
Desert Region. . .
Norma Cenva stands with Helena
Markos, Madame Blanc and Miss Tanner in a mirage created by the Suspira Witch
Coven (hereinafter “SW”). In the center
of the oasis lies a pitch black cauldron.
Markos: Begin my
fellow witches!
SW1: Worm Becks’ jizz with the Slayer’s hair,
SW2: Maestro’s spit and Unduli’s remnant Nair;
SW3: The skin of Angel with pieces of Lindley’s flab,
SW4: The focus on Set to become even more fab!
SW5: Grow!!!
SW3 and SW5: Grow!!!
SW1, SW2, SW3, SW4, SW5: Grow!!!
Markos, Blanc and Tanner:
Grow.
Set slithers into the area and an
explosion occurs as the spell takes shape.
The serpent, which is of immense size already, becomes a true
behemoth. One of the monster’s seven heads looks down
into the sand and rips Sandworm #11 from the tan powder. The battle between the gigantic creatures is
vicious and the ferocity of the duo causes the ripping and shredding sounds for
all those in the oasis to hear. In the
end, although Set loses two of its heads, the five remaining ones are more than
a match for Sandworm #11.
Barry Allen races through the
sands and uses the speed force’s powers to cause a cyclone that sucks the
oasis’ inhabitants into the funnel. The tornado
spins the women around and they are unable to free themselves from the
torrential winds. Each time one attempts
to escape, Allen uses his lantern ring to push them back. Severely exhausted and discombobulated, Allen
forces the funnel upward and the witches burst forth from the top. Han Solo-Rogue Jedi in his A-Wing flies to
the scene, and one by one, picks the witches off like fish in a barrel. SWs 2
through 5 are blasted into pieces. Before
Solo can kill the remaining witches, SW1, Markos, Blanc, Tanner and Cenva
utilize their combined lantern rings to rip apart the A-Wing. Before its destruction, Solo manages to
jettison from the craft. Unfortunately,
he escapes into the hands of the women ring wielders.
Cenva: You may be good looking,
Markos: And a Rouge Jedi too;
Tanner: But to us women,
Blanc: You are but a large piece
of poo!
The four, including SW1 now, use
their rings to shred Solo apart. Yellow
and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan
Meanwhile on the ground, a plume
of sand explodes next to the Flash as Maestro lands on the sands nearby. Atom hitched a ride on the hulk-like beast’s
shoulder and thus, also arrives at the skirmish. Before the Flash realizes that he needs to
race away, Maestro strikes him with a devastating blow. The blue lantern attempts to rise as Atom
shrinks down to a sub-molecular level and enters into the Flash’s nervous
system. Maestro takes advantage of
Flash’s disorientation due to Atom and crushes Barry Allen’s skull. Unfortunately, Atom was in Flash’s skull at
the time and the decimation of Allen’s brain matter causes Atom to be jarred
also; killing him instantly. Maestro
becomes enraged at the knowledge of killing his own teammate.
Arctic Region. . .
Centerion #1-Hot Fudge Harry
McTwivent (hereinafter “HFHM”) scopes out Doozer #13, who is floating on a
piece of ice. Centerion leaps over
flotillas until he reaches Doozer #13.
In a matter of seconds, HFHM kills Doozer #13. Heimdall is a witness to his “special friend”
being killed. The Asgardian rushes over
to HFHM and uses his enchanted uru to slice Centerion #1 in half.
Goro uses his ring to soar to the
top of the trees where Barriss Offee and Luminara Unduli are waiting for the
Mortal Kombatant. The Marialan Jedi
Knights manage to deflect a majority of the bolts sent by Goro. Eventually though, Goro manages to kill Offee,
but is, in turn, killed by Unduli, whose Senior Jedi General skills are
superior to the brute fighter.
Mountain Region. . .
Champion of the Universe
(hereinafter “COU”) spots Zombie Wonder Girl on a mountainous range. Being a well recognized chauvinist is readily
apparent upon his first words uttered.
COU: The only place you should be, alive or undead
that is, is either sucking or riding my immense c@ck!
Zombie Wonder Girl, although dead, is still disgusted by his
demeanor and punches him. COU shrugs off
the blow.
COU: You are but a
puny dead girl! Wonder this you little
crapling!!!
COU reaches Zombie Wonder Girl
and manages to pin her arms behind her body.
He torks the shoulders and rips her arms off. Wonder Girl does not feel the pain and
attempts to convert COU with a bite to the neck. She fails in her attempt and COU pops her
head off.
COU: Your head was but
a pimple on my a$$.
COU turns around and begins to
walk down the mountain’s path when he is struck by the Kryptonian duo of
Kingdom Come Superman and Earth 2 Superman.
COU is crushed into the stone next to him. As COU falls to the ground, he is repeatedly
pummeled by the Commando pair. COU
dies.
At the foot of the mountain
stands a fully realized Titan Maximum.
The compiled robot waits for the Superman duo to reach it. As Titan Maximum readies itself to do battle,
it feels its pieces being ripped apart.
Titan Maximum looks down and sees Zombie Polaris utilizing all of her
powers to destroy the robotic entity. As
Titan Maximum is about to be destroyed by Polaris, it is simultaneously struck
by the Superman duo. The combination of
Zombie Polaris’ powers with the strength and power of E2S and KCS is too much
and Titan Maximum is destroyed. At the
same time, the strain of the powers necessary to cause any means of destruction
upon Titan Maximum weakens Polaris to where she is unable to avoid the shrapnel
which rips her head from her body.
The Kryptonian Bonnie and Clyde see Surtur, who wields Twilight. The psychokinetic Nadira attempts to use her
powers against Surtur without avail. The
demonic combatant shrugs off Nadira’s Kryptonian power and uses the Sword of
Doom to slice Nadira in half. Az Rel,
enraged at the loss of his ally, uses his pyrokinetic abilities against the
fire demon. The Phantom Zone inhabitant fails
to wound Surtur. Surtur shrugs off his
foe and, once again, uses his sword to slice Az Rel in half. The Kryptonians would have been a match for
many, but on this day, unfortunately for the Squad, not against Surtur.
Aquatic Region. . .
Buffy, Angel, Giles,
Buffy (tears streaming down her
face): I love you!
Angel: I know.
In a quick movement, Angel
thrusts the tip of one of the trident’s heads into his heart, but not before
ripping Siren’s throat out with his fangs.
Siren dies at Angel’s sacrifice, whose ashes become one with the sand
below. Buffy and Willow, dismayed at the
casualties suffered, walk on the beach, hand in hand- no slow motion necessary
at this touching scene which stands on its own.
City Region. . .
Chris Seeney squeals the tires of Superman’s truck as he
cuts the corners of the streets. He
looks for his prey without initial success.
He turns to Life Model Decoy #1 (hereinafter “LMD1”), who looks
strikingly similar to Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern garb (“Double R”). A bromance/man-crush has blossomed between
the two.
Seeney: We need to get
this party started!
LMD1: Agreed Mr. Seeney.
Show me who’s daddy!
Seeney slows down the vehicle to a stop. He jumps out, his golem creating gun and
lightsaber armed in both hands.
Seeney: What do you
see? Double R? Double R!
Seeney hears a gurgling as LMD1 appears to be foaming at
the mouth. Seeney jumps around the
vehicle and notices Taylor Swift armed with a Sith lanvarok. The lanvarok’s weaponry pierced LMD1’s gullet
and LMD1 dies. Seeney instantly reacts
and leaps over the hood of the vehicle in the best possible Dukes of Hazard-TJ
Hooker combo acrobatic roll. He slices
the lanvarok out of Swift’s hands and follows up with cutting her legs
off. Swift screams and attempts to crawl
away.
Seeney: This is “Our
Song” now b@Tch!!!
Seeney smiles as he uses his golem gun to create the beast. The golem shambles over to the cute singer
and sits on Swift’s head, crushing her skull.
The golem then follows its master down the street.
Final Battle
I transport all
remaining combatants to the scene.
Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman
spots Buffy and Willow Rosenberg.
BLB2: I smell Kosher! Sniff!
I smell traife!
BLB2 looks at Buffy, who ignites
her lightsaber in response to his misogynistic comments. BLB2 fires his ring at the female duo. Buffy manages to deflect the objects and Willow
BLB2: Aw f@. . .
BLB2 disintegrates and his gun
falls to the ground. YOLHJ, a singular force to be reckoned with in this match,
rushes at the Slayer and her compatriot.
YOLHJ rips Buffy apart, but Willow Willow Alice
Chris Seeney tweaks his golem gun
and evolutionizes the clay monsters. The lone, remaining Commando ring bearer,
Unduli, is unable to defeat the monsters, which resemble a tougher, Jewish
Golden Army. The Golem Army kills
Luminara Unduli. Heimdall stands before
Seeney, who attempts to strike the Asgardian warrior with his green
lightsaber. Heimdall easily dodges the
blow and skewers Seeney.
Seeney: At least I got my licks in.
Seeney dies at Heimdall’s
feet. Being that Nekron can even kill
the Guardians, he tempts fate by rushing at Heimdall. Heimdall falls to Nekron’s touch.
Final Battle
A silence reigns over the two
remaining combatants. Nekron is the
first to speak.
Nekron: In blackest night. . .
Nekron utilizes his powers to
bring back the dead. The bodies of Ion, The
Spectre, Cosmic Spiderman, Az-Rel, Nadira, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Hal Jordan
White Lantern Deadman: In brightest day. . .
White Lantern Deadman uses his
powers. Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2
Superman, Set (no longer in Black Lantern form due to being revived by a white
lantern), Maestro, Polaris (no longer in Zombie form), Heimdall, Surtur and
Worm Becks are now alive.
White Lantern Deadman and Nekron are
weakened due to the strain necessary to revive their teammates. In a final requiem, the two race toward one
another. The polarized opposites manage
to kill one another, having served their ultimate purposes in the match already.
Immediately BLB2 attempts to kill
his WB nemesis. This time though, Worm Becks dances out of the way of BLB2’s
black projectiles. Before BLB2 can
corner Worm Becks, he is swallowed whole by Set. Set belches out BLB2’s ring and Seeney
immediately has an idea. The Spectre
foretells what his teammate wishes and strikes Seeney down. The Spectre then places BLB2’s ring on
Seeney.
Seeney:
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I’m back
b@Tches!!!
Seeney finishes the job BLB2 set
out to accomplish and destroys Worm Becks.
As Seeney rises higher in the air, his ring begins to slide from his
finger as Polaris strains to use her magnetism powers to dislodge the object
from Seeney’s digit. The ring,
miraculously, begins to slide off.
Seeney: Oh come on!!!!
The ring is ripped from Seeney’s
finger and Seeney disintegrates.
The Kryptonians face one another
as the Phantom Zone gangsters battle E2S and KCS. Although the battle lasts longer than
expected, the Isle of Bokos pair is no match for their superior
combatants. The Supermen manage to kill
both Az-Rel and Nadira.
Ion faces Maestro. The futuristic Hulk manages to shake off most
of the blows, but ultimately loses the battle when Cosmic Spiderman joins the
fray. The combined powers of Ion and Cosmic
Spiderman are too much for Maestro and he is killed.
Hal Jordan
The remaining powerhouses
battle. The Spectre uses his Ring of
Life to enhance his powers to godlike levels.
This comes in handy as he battles Heimdall. Although the Asgardian manages to wound the
Spectre, ultimately Heimdall is defeated.
Surtur and Set enter this fray and rip the Spectre apart. Cosmic Spiderman challenges the Supermen. The Marvel guardian manages to rip apart
Earth 2 Superman, but meets his fate at the hands of Kingdom Come
Superman. Ion and Hal Jordan
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