ROYAL RUMBLE

The floor of Madison Square Garden has been specially outfitted to handle today’s match. In middle of the arena there is an enlarged wrestling ring, which is surrounded by a moat of liquid hot magma. The first combatant is about to be teleported to the ring. Over the loud speaker erupts the famous Roger Daltrey scream from “We Won’t Get Fooled Again” as Aloysius Snuffleupagus from the Untouchables, teleports to the middle of the ring. Then free agent Harley Race enters as #2. The bell rings and Harley charges at the mammoth-muppet and tries to land a high knee strike into Snuffy’s side. This barely staggers the Untouchables member. Snuffy whips his trunk around Race’s side and flips him over the top rope and into the lava, eliminating him. Snuffy is not in the ring alone for very long as #3 teleports in, which is Alice’s Wonder Team’s Kimbo Slice. He attacks Snuffy quickly, laying several hard blows to his head. Snuffleupagus knocks Kimbo away and starts knocking him around the ring with his trunk. A loud growl is then heard from behind them, as The Beast from Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches enters at #4. He leaps onto Snuffy’s back clawing at him viciously. This allows Kimbo to get back on his feet. They start double-teaming the mammoth from Sesame Street. The Beast bites Snuffy in the back of neck, which causes him to let out a massive scream of pain. He flays his trunk around wildly, finally knocking The Beast off of him. The fifth entrant is about to be teleported to the ring. Kimbo Slice’s partner, Tyler Durden enters the Royal Rumble, which does not bode well for Snuffleupagus. The three members from the Bryan Beckerman Division triple team Snuffy. The Beast leaps back on top of Snuffy and continues to slash at Snuffy’s back. Tyler and Kimbo try to wear out Snuffy by hitting him in the head and knees. Snuffy in a last ditch effort, start whipping his trunk around knocking both Kimbo and Tyler off of their feet. He grabs The Beast with his trunk and tries to throw him out, but The Beast grabs a hold of the ring ropes and slips back in. Snuffy picks up Kimbo Slice and starts to beat Tyler Durden with him. He then launches Kimbo out of the ring and into the lava. #6 then enters the ring, Navy Sailor #10 from Team Fred. This Navy Sailor was the one who Brainiac had been experimenting on in the locker room. He immediately attacks the weakened Snuffy. Along with The Beast he attempts to pick Snuffy up and toss him out. They get the mammoth up but couldn’t get him out. Navy Sailor #10 then turns his attention to Tyler Durden. He leaps at Tyler and bites his jugular, killing him. He then tosses Tyler’s body out of the ring, eliminating him. The Abomitrons member, Sgt. Mike Shinsky, now enters the Royal Rumble at #7. He pulls out his side arm and shoots Navy Sailor #10 in the chest, killing him. However Snuffy is the one who is credited with the elimination, when he tosses Navy Sailor #10’s body out into the lava. Snuffy crumples in the corner with exhaustion and pain as Shinsky tangles with The Beast. This match up isn’t contested for very long, as The Beast viciously slashes open the Sergeant’s midsection and eliminates him into the lava. The Beast takes a moment himself to regain some strength as both he and Snuffy await #8. A few moments later Sayid Jarrah from George Washington’s Slaves is teleported into the ring. The former Iraqi Republican Guard bargains with The Beast to work over Snuffleupagus, who at this point has lost a lot of blood. Sayid climbs up on to Snuffy’s back and grabs his trunk and begins to choke him with it. The Beast slashes again at Big Bird’s best friend. As they attack him #9 is teleported to the ring. Ron Popeil from Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies enters. He is equipped with two brand new gadgets. The first is what causes Snuffy’s ultimate demise, which is the Ronco Disposable Mini Teleporter. Ron fires the RDMT at Snuffy with makes him disappear and then reappear right over the lava, killing Snuffleupagus. His other gadget is the Ronco Never-Move Boots. Ron turns them on and secures himself to the ring apron. Sayid and The Beast are trading blows, with Sayid on the short end of the stick. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets member, Usagi Yojimbo, enters at #10. He makes an impact quickly, as he slices Sayid in half with is samurai sword and eliminates both halves. He then runs through The Beast with his sword. The Beast falls to his knees and bleeds out. Unfortunately, Usagi isn’t quite strong enough to pick him up and eliminate him. He turns his attention to Ron Popeil but is interrupted by combatant #11, Team Fred’s Griffin. He swoops in and picks the samurai rabbit up and flies high up into the rafters. Griffin claws at Usagi’s armor as they fly in the air. Usagi is able to flip over and land on Griffin’s back and steers him towards the ring, where Ron Popeil is standing firmly. Just then combatant #12 is teleported to the ring, which greatly ups the power level in this battle. Unfortunately, this power is wielded by utter incompetence. G’Nort of Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderfiles enters the ring and immediately encases all three of the other combatants in green energy cages. He then uses his power ring to patch up the barely breathing Beast. All any of this does is waste time as #13 is about to enter. The Right Wing’s Jedi Padawan #1, Gary, is teleported down. He sees this ridiculousness happening, but before he attacks he takes a final drag from his cigarette and guzzles the last bit of his Diet 7-Up. Gary then lets out a sigh of what seems to almost be from boredom. He nonchalantly walks toward G’Nort and pulls out a big milk bone out of his tunic. Gary waves it at G’Nort and tosses it over the ropes. G’Nort races after it and jumps over the top rope, but just before he lands in the lava he fires up his power ring and flies up into the air with the milk bone. Gary finally decides to take action, and not a moment too soon, since #14 is teleported to the ring. U.S.A.F. Colonel Guy Gardner lands in the middle of the ring, thick mustache and all. “God Damn it! Guy Gardner?! Another freakin’ Green Lantern?? I thought there were point restrictions on this match?” cries out Gary. Col. Gardner lays a mean right cross right across the 14-year-old’s jaw. “Wrong Guy Gardner, you little punk,” replies the Colonel. Gardner turns to attack the other combatants. He is then greeted with a lightsaber in his back. Gary then uses the Force to lift Gardner’s body out of the ring and into the lava. By this time, combatant #15 enters the ring. Legion of Doom’s Randy Couture jumps at the chance to finish off The Beast. He leaps on to his chest and start leveling him with vicious forearms, knocking him unconscious. Randy then calls fellow Nick Houslander Division member, Gary, to help him eliminate The Beast. With most likely some help from the Force, they manage to eliminate The Beast finally. Usagi Yojimbo, Griffin, and Ron Popeil are all still trapped inside green energy cages, as G’Nort flies around eating his milk bone. All of a sudden a loud “Wooooooooooo” echoes throughout Madison Square Garden as Better Than All of You member Ric Flair enters at #16. Gary looks around and decides this would be a great time to take a smoke break. He crouches down over in corner and uses his lightsaber to light a cigarette. “Whoa, The Natural vs. The Nature Boy. Cool,” comments Gary. Ric Flair instantly throws Randy over into a corner and lands to loud and wicked chops to Couture’s chest. G’Nort finishes his milk bone and decides to come back to the ring. He lifts all but one of the energy cages. Being as loyal as he is, G’Nort keeps the energy cage around his teammate Ron Popeil, for added protection. Combatant #17 is now teleported to the ring. Lion-O from the Horsemen of Apokolips enters and stares down Usagi Yojimbo. The two swordsmen clash right in the middle of the ring with animalistic rage. As they battle, Flair and Couture continue to fight as well. Gary is forced to flick his cigarette into the lava before he was finished with it, because Griffin is flying full force right at him. Gary leaps in the air and does a back flip over Griffin, slicing one of his wings off with his lightsaber. This causes Griffin to spin out of control and crashes into the lava. Gary, Ric Flair, Randy Couture, Usagi Yojimbo, Lion-O and G’Nort are all jolted off of their feet due to the mighty thud that combatant #18 makes as he is teleported to the ring. “Ah crap. Freakin’ Jabba the Hutt. How the hell are we suppose to eliminate that pile of goo?” exclaims Gary. George Washington’s Slaves member Jabba the Hutt bellows “Da beesga coo palyeeya pityee bo tenya go kaka juju hoopa.” Gary moves towards the gangster but then receives a forearm right to the mouth. “Coona tee-tocky malia, Couture?” asks Jabba. “Sorry Jabba, I was busy with Flair. But it will be a pleasure to protect you, as long as the money is worth it,” replies the UFC fighter. This alliance is extremely short lived, as Ric Flair suplexes Randy over the ropes and into the lava. “Woooooooo!” shouts Flair as he struts across the ring. Lion-O and Usagi are still engaged is a major sword duel as G’Nort guards Ron Popeil from any attack. TEAM’s Eject enters as #19 and is excited to finally be in some sort of sports atmosphere. The transformer is Force pushed into the turnbuckle by Gary. Lion-O and Usagi’s match-up finally reaches its apex as Lion-O blocks a kill blow from Usagi with his Claw Shield. He then uses it to fire his grappling lines to launch himself into the air so he has a clean shot at Usagi Yojimbo. Lion-O blasts Usagi over the ropes and into the lava with energy bolts from the Sword of Omens. He then lands back into the ring only to be blasted out of it by Eject. B.A. Baracus, combatant #20, enters the ring, but sadly exits it almost just as quickly. Gary Force pushes him right out of the ring. “I pitty da foo’ who can’t stay in the Rumble for more than two seconds,” quips Jedi Padawan #1. Gary than fires up a cigarette and makes a spin move, plunging his lightsaber into Jabba the Hutt. Ric Flair then chop blocks Gary’s knees and slaps the figure four leg lock onto the Padawan. The entire ring begins to quake as combatant #21 enters the ring. Syracuse Valley’s Rumble is pounding the ring apron with his pistons but is dropkicked by Eject. Gary while writhing in pain from the figure four leg lock uses the Force to grab his lightsaber, which is lying by Jabba’s body. He then cuts off Ric Flair’s head. “Does this make me The Man?” asks Gary to Flair’s decapitated body. He then tosses it out of the ring. Rumble sweeps Eject’s legs and jumps on top of him. Rumble uses his pistons to pound a hole right through Eject’s chest, and then eliminates him. He then picks Jabba’s body up and launches it into the lava. “There’s a reason they call this the Royal RUMBLE!” exclaims the Decepticon. Rumble then stares down Gary and G’Nort who are both in front of a protected Ron Popeil. Combatant #22 is teleported between the other fighters. Built Ford Tough’s namesake, Harrison Ford, enters the match. “SWEET! Harrison freakin’ Ford!” exclaims Gary. Harrison responds to this by walking over to Gary and smashing a bottle of Jack Daniels over the Padawan’s head and tossing him out into the lava, eliminating him. Meanwhile, Rumble has jumped on top of Ron Popeil’s protective green energy cage and starts pounding away at it. “So what second rate Wookie are you supposed to be?” Ford asks G’Nort. But before G’Nort can answer, #23 is teleported to the ring. It happens to be one of President-Elect Obama’s personal bodyguards, Tarfful. The Wookie Chieftain punches G’Nort right in the mouth and shoots him in the head with his massive long-gun. Tarfful picks up G’Nort’s body and tosses it into the lava. He then looks a Harrison Ford with what seems to be slight puzzlement. Since G’Nort has been eliminated, Popeil’s green energy cage that was protecting him vanishes. Tarfful is tackled by Rumble and they start to fight. Harrison Ford kicks Ron in the stomach and tries to eliminate him but cannot lift him due to the Ronco Never-Move Boots. Combatant #24, Andre the Giant from Le’ Napoleon’s Brigade, is teleported to the ring. He slaps Ford out of the way and tries to pick up Popeil, but he cannot either. So instead, Andre helps out Tarfful with his attack on Rumble. Andre wraps Rumble up in a bear hug and actually starts to crush his Cybertronian chest. The Decepticon head butts Andre, which causes the giant to release his hold. He then shoots Andre in the chest with his gun, and eliminates him. Just then, #25 enters the fray. It’s the Bad Newz Kennelz’s Ookla the Mok, and he attacks Tarfful with great rage and aggression. He claws at the Wookie and just as he is about to come down with a slash across the neck, Harrison Ford knocks Ookla off of Tarfful. Harrison offers his hand to Tarfful, open accepts the help. The Commandos member now owes life debt to the Built Ford Tough member. They team up and attack Ookla as #26 teleports in. Rumble’s teammate Frenzy comes in and they start wreaking havoc. They smash into the fight between Tarfful, Ookla and Ford. Fur goes flying into the air as Tarfful and Ookla are sent flying over the ropes and into the lava. Combatant #27 isn’t teleported into the ring; instead, Horsemen member Bugs Bunny burrows up through the ring, near one of the turnbuckles. “Ehhh, What’s up Doc? Nice boots,” Bugs says to Ron Popeil. Rumble and Frenzy start firing their lasers at the new entrant, but he jumps and dodges all of their blasts. Le’ Napoleon’s Brigade’s other entrant, Sonny Corleone, enters as #28. He leaps at Ron Popeil, and starts beating the living crap out of him. Sonny doesn’t even try to eliminate him. He’s just irritated that this salesman has been in the ring since #9. Ron’s feet are still firmly planted, but he’s fallen down as Sonny continues to kick and punch him. Bugs Bunny races over and rabbit kicks Sonny over the ropes and out of the ring. “I’m the rabbit of the hour, the rabbit with the power, too sweet to be sour. The women's pet, the men's regret. What you see is what you get. And what you don't see is better yet,” Bugs arrogantly says after knocking out the hotheaded Italian. “Hey that’s MY LINE!” entrant #29 angrily says as he clotheslines Bugs Bunny out of the ring. “Superstar” Billy Graham doesn’t last long in the ring either. Ron Popeil uses his Pocket Fisherman to snare Superstar’s neck and yanks him across the ring, flipping him into the lava. Rumble and Frenzy corner Harrison Ford into the ring, but both are blindsided by Rewind, combatant #30. This allows Ford to get out of the way. Rewind puts up a good fight, but is just simple out numbered. Rewind is blasted to pieces by the Decepticons and his remains are tossed into the lava. Bruno Sammartino is teleported to the ring as #31. “The Living Legend” is never one to back down from a fight and runs right up to Frenzy and rocks him right off of his feet with a running knee lift. He is then knocked away by Rumble. Peter Clemenza from the Brotherhood enters the Royal Rumble at #32. The portly Italian starts shooting at Rumble and Frenzy. His bullets don’t affect them as much as their laser blast do to him. Clemenza is blasted right out of the ring and into the lava. Harrison Ford’s teammate Wilt enters at #33 to give him, Bruno, and Ron some help against the Syracuse Valley Decepticons. He’s not much help with only one arm and a messed up eye. His lanky legs do allow him to move around quickly. Chow Yun Fat is teleported in as #34 and sweeps Wilt’s legs out from underneath him. He then karate chops Harrison Ford in the throat. Ron Popeil tries to use his Pocket Fisherman again but Chow sees it coming and ducks out of the way. Rumble and Frenzy start pounding the ring apron again, knocking everyone (except Ron, of course) off of their feet. Combatant #35 enters the ring, and starts cleaning house. The Untouchables member Maul increases his size and knocks Bruno Sammartino out of the ring. He grabs Wilt and uses him as a baseball bat to knock Chow Yun Fat up into the rafters, who then falls into the lava. Rumble and Frenzy both blast him with their lasers, which bring Maul to his knees as #36 enters. Thundarr the Barbarian enters and attacks the Decepticons in vengeance for Ookla’s death. He cuts Frenzy’s right leg off with his Sun Sword. He then decapitates Frenzy. He then uses his strength to eliminate the Transformer. Maul finally discards Wilt’s limp body into the lava. Maul turns his attention to Rumble, who at this point is a little smaller than Maul. The Untouchable member grabs a hold of Rumble piston arms before he can start pounding the ground, and literally rips them from his body. Maul then kicks Rumble out and into the lava. Combatant #37 is teleported into the ring and attacks wildly. Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches member, Warg #1, smells Ron Popeil’s blood and races toward him. But Thundarr leaps on to it’s back and rides him towards the ropes. He gets the Warg to jump over the ropes and at the last second, Thundarr leaps off back into the ring, letting Warg #1 fall into the lava. “I am a Real American, Fight for the rights of every man” is heard over the loudspeakers as #38 enters the ring. “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan is teleported in and delivers a big boot to Thundarr the Barbarian and launches him out of the ring. Hogan then goes and attempts to body slam Ron Popeil out of the ring. But this is a hard feat with the Never-Move Boots. Ron lets out an awful scream as Hogan rips Popeil up off of the apron and body slams him into the lava. Hogan turns around to see that Popeil’s legs from knee down are still attached to the ring with the Never-Move Boots. Maul slams his fist into the ring apron and rips the part where Ron’s boots are still stuck to and uses it to knock Hulk Hogan out of the ring. The Abomitrons member, Death Adder, is teleported to the ring at #39. Death Adder uses to magic to zap Maul down to normal size and clotheslines him out of the ring. At this point the final combatant is teleported in to the Royal Rumble. It’s Nick Houslander from The Right Wing. Just as he is teleported in, he witnesses Death Adder kill Harrison Ford and launch him into the lava. “Nooooooooooooo!!!” screams Nick, as he watches Ford disintegrate in the hot magma. “Ok Death Adder, I’ve beaten you a million time in the game. This won’t be any different,” says Nick. He pulls out his double barrel shotgun and blasts Death Adder square in the chest. This brings Death Adder to one knee, but does not stop him for long. The 7’11” 900 lbs. keeps coming at him, and shows Nick meaning of the word “Abomitron” and continues to destroy everything in his path. He knocks Nick around the ring from pillar to post. “The Big House” tries desperately to form some sort of offensive, but is just simply outmatched. Death Adder kicks him hard into the turnbuckles and then picks him up over his head and eliminates Nick to win the Royal Rumble. As Nick perishes in the lava, a giant scroll comes down from the rafters pointing out that he received a B- for this match.

THE ABOMITRONS ARE VICTORIOUS!

The Abomitrons win Blackbird-1 (X-Men’s Jet) for winning the Royal Rumble.

The Right Wing wins the Millennium Chowder (Josh’s Daytona Pacifica) for being the last person eliminated.

The Untouchables win General Grievous’s Wheel Bike for eliminating the most characters. (Eight: Harley Race, Kimbo Slice, Navy Sailor #10, Bruno Sammartino, Chow Yun Fat, Wilt, Rumble & Hulk Hogan.)