Once upon a time,
A tyrant named William was born;
Risen from the machines,
And from the beast’s one horn.
Scorching the earth,
With his beloved Queen Kate;
A perfect, bloodthirsty woman,
The tyrant’s true mate.
With the magnificent Pippit,
Wearing the skulls of robots on brow;
Never your back to turn on her;
Or wind up stuck like a suckled sow.
The King’s brother Harribul,
With the terrible monikered theme;
Loving the exsanguinated bowels,
To the ultimate and utter extreme.
The Royals reigned supreme,
Making decisions mired in the dead;
Never mess with any,
Or live the phrase “Off with your head!”
-Author Unknown
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 2 Match located in Arctic. They are as follows:
Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: The Serpent (Fear Itself); Skadi: Herald of the Serpent (Merged with Shao Khan via hammer); Shao Khan (Merged with Skadi via hammer); Steel Superman with blue lantern ring; Daniel LaRusso with blue lightsaber and green lantern ring; Tracy Strauss with demon rod; Faith Lehane with blue lightsaber in snow speeder with Kevin Periera.
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies: Ol’ Dirty Bastard w/Red Lantern Ring; RZA with Pokeball; GZA; Method Man with laser gun; Raekwon; Ghostface Killah with Starwand; Inspectah Deck; U-God; Masta Killa with laser sword; Cappadonna; Black Lantern General Grievous; Wiliam V: Tyrant; Queen Kate; Pippit; Harribul the Terrible with Tron light suit; Altair Ibn-La'Ahad; Ezio Auditore da Firenze; Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks); Aang; Appa; Katara; Sokka; Toph Beifong and Zuko.
Let the battle begin. . .
Tracy Strauss rushes at GZA and uses her demon rod to subdue the Wu-Tang Clan member. GZA falls to his knees and looks up at the chilly opponent.
GZA: Yo b@tch be crazy!!!
Strauss: And you be frozen.
Strauss touches GZA and he freezes in place. She taps her demon rod on GZA and her brittle opponent disintegrates into pieces. Masta Killa, Ghostface Killah and Method Man rush to the skirmish. At the same time they look at one another.
Method Man: Fo a brotha-cut da b@tch!!!
The three rush Strauss. Masta Killa dodges Strauss’ demon rod and slices her with his laser sword. Ghostface Killah uses his star wand and she falls to her knees. Method Man walks up to Strauss.
Method Man: That’s howz I likz ma b@tches. . . on their knees!
He is about to pull the trigger when a surge of adrenalin rushes through Strauss and she touches Method Man. His leg freezes as he pulls the trigger. Strauss is killed; Method Man loses his now frozen leg in the fight.
Daniel Larusso gravitates to the scene and slices Masta Killa with his blue lightsaber, while using his green lantern ring to crush the skull of Ghostface Killah. As he is about to finish the hobbled Method Man, Ol’ Dirty Bastard (hereinafter “ODB”) with his red lantern ring blasts Larusso out of the sky. Larusso dodges the laser fire from Method Man while battling ODB with his ring. Although Larusso loses ground, he remembers that he is “Grasshopper” and that he is strong. As he turns around he hears the hacking cough of BL General Grievous. Grievous unleashes his four lightsabers and slices the Karate Kid repeatedly. As Larusso dies he recognizes that he was never known as “Grasshopper.” His dying smile notes that he is glad he is not, in fact, “Grasshopper” since “Grasshopper” met his demise, not at the hands of an able combatant, but by accidentally hanging himself from a bathroom with a plastic bag over his head (and naked).
Dale Cooper is walking in his parka across the frozen tundra. He is thinking of “cherry pie”. He draws his weapon as he is confronted by Skadi and Shao Khan.
Cooper: Hello. . . my brothers?
The two Kennelz members look at each other incredulously as this wonder-bread-eating-fool actually addressed them as his “brothers.” The two rush him. Cooper manages to squeeze off two shoots to no avail. Cooper is killed. The two Kennelz then focus on Clan members Raekwon and Cappadonna, killing them both. Inspectah Deck, U-God join RZA with a Pokeball. As they rush to the scene, they see the enhanced Skadi and Shao Khan. The Clan members, once again, do not stand a chance against the two entities and Inspectah Deck, U-God and RZA are destroyed.
Faith Lehane and Kevin Periera speed by in their snow speeder. Aang flies out of the snowy sky on the sky bison Aapa. Aapa crashes into the snow speeder and the Rebel fighter crashes into the ground in a blaze of fire. Appa is killed in the smash-up. Aang bends the air around him in order to land safely on the ground. Lehane and Periera manage to escape before the fighter is engulfed by flames and crawl out of the ship. The two are set upon by Altair Ibn-La'Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Altair kills Periera. Faith’s slayer instincts kick and she dodges the blow by Ezio. She then manages to snap the assassin’s neck. As Faith is about to face Altair she ignites her lightsaber. The two circle one another. Altair is then joined by Wiliam V: Tyrant, Queen Kate, Pippit and Harribul the Terrible. Harribul’s Tron light suit glimmers and temporarily blinds Faith. This moment is enough for Altair, William, Kate and Pippit to set upon her. They all manage to strike her repeatedly at the same time. Although Altair is killed in the skirmish, Faith is mortally wounded. Harribul drops down to Faith, who is now lying on the bloodied ground.
Harribul: I hope you like this. . .
He grabs her lightsaber which is just out of her reach and slowly begins to gut her. Faith screams in pain. Harribul screams in ecstasy. Faith dies as her intestines litter the snow.
Harribul: . . . and I thought she smelled good. . . on the outside. . .
The Royals walk from Faith and are met by Steel Superman. Superman immediately uses his ring on Pippit and Kate. The two women are immediately crushed by an immense hammer. Their bodies become mush.
Steel Superman: Now that’s what I call a Royal Mush!
Harribul and William attack Superman and are thrown across the icy floor. Just as Superman is about to kill the remaining aristocrats, BL General Grievous comes to the scene. The Kaleesh cyborg holds his own against Steel Superman. Grievous spins his lightsabers and utilizes his ring powers at Superman. Grievous eventually bests the Steel hero. Unfortunately for the Murderflies, Steel Superman uses his ring powers to kill both William and Harribul before his demise.
Skadi and Shao Khan unleash their powers on Grievous. Grievous succumbs to the barrage and is decimated. A hobbled Method Man and ODB rush at the two hammer-imbibed combatants. While the two Clansmen focus on the hammer duo, the Serpent springs upon them and destroys them both where they stand.
The “Bender” clan utilizes all of their powers against Shao Khan, Skadi and the Serpent. Katara bends the water of the arctic, Aang bends the air surrounding them, Sokka uses his weaponry, Zuko uses the flames from the previously crashed snow speeder and bends the fire surrounding same, and Toph Beifong bends the earth beneath the arctic’s snow. The combined efforts of the Asian warriors destroy Shao Khan and Skadi, but at the cost of losing Sokka and Zuko. The three remaining Murderflies- Zuko, Aang and Toph come together and in an unparalleled sight, use their powers in their entirety against The Serpent. They know that all will not survive. When the smoke clears Aang is the lone warrior standing.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Season 5, Week 2: TEAM vs. Team Sleeping Pussy
“Behold and marvel my immense blue cock!”
-Dr. Manhattan
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 2
Match located in the Arctic. They are as follows:
TEAM: Sif, Hogun, Volstagg, Fandral and Black Lantern Incredible Hulk.
Team Sleeping Pussy: Planetary- Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, The Drummer;
Doctor Manhattan, Kang, Khan Noonien Singh and Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic.
Let the battle begin. . .
Elijah Snow uses his ability to manipulate the cold. The weather reaches an extreme temperature. Unfortunately for Team SP, a majority of the TEAM members are used to this weather since they have fought in the land of the Frost Giants.
Khan Noonien Singh stands defiantly against Black Lantern Incredible Hulk (hereinafter “BLIH”).
BLIH: Puuunnnnyyy maaaannn!
Khan: How dare you defile my name! I am Khan Noonien Singh! I am a warrior who killed Captain James Tiberius Kirk’s son! I am a man who controlled over one quarter of the Earth in the Eugenics Wars! I am a man of fine Corinthian leather! I am. . .
Although Khan is a genetically enhanced human, he is no match for BLIH. Before Khan can finish his next sentence, BLIH walks up to the man and pops his head off.
BLIH: Puuunnnnnyyyy maaaann!
BLIH leaps away just as Sif and Jakita Wagner begin to battle. The augmented strength of Wagner allows her to hold her own against the Asgardian. The Drummer, watching from the side, marvels at the two beautifully, dangerous women and his hands begin to move his drum sticks slowly. As the females become ensconced in a fierce fight, the Drummer’s sticks beat harder and faster. Sif teleports behind Wagner. Before Wagner can react, Sif skewers Wagner through her chest. The Drummer’s sticks crescendo. Wagner falls down, dead, on the snowy ground beneath her. Sweat is seen dripping down the Drummer’s brow and he licks his sweaty lips.
As Sif walks away from the dead Planetary character, Black Lantern Mister Fantastic (hereinafter “BLMF”) uses the combined abilities derived from both his elastic body and ring to engulf Sif. BLMF dislodges Sif’s sword, depriving her of the ability to transport herself away. BLMF’s black lantern ring’s powers encase her entire body. Kang uses his superior intellect to show the Drummer a new ability, which he can use against the trapped Asgardian. The Drummer runs to the encasement and begins to drum. The Asgardian screams in agony as the stick’s vibrations reverberate throughout the artifice. Eventually, Sif succumbs to the syncopated beat and falls. BLMF then slowly closes the trap and she is crushed. Sif is miraculously killed.
BLIH jumps to the scene. Kang whispers in the ear of his new minion, the Drummer, and the Drummer begins to work his sticks again. The repeated vibrations are felt, but not understood by BLIH. BLIH kills Kang, but as he is about to kill the Drummer, the Drummer’s beats dislodge the ring from BLIH’s finger. BLIH’s desiccated body shrivels and Elijah Snow deals the final blow to the black lantern. The Drummer has become, with the help of the now deceased Kang, a “most-valuable-player” candidate of the match.
The Warriors Three-Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg rush to the side of their dead Asgardian sister. The three unified look to Team SP and scowl.
Volstagg: You shall be avenged!
Hogun pulls out his mace and Fandral pulls out his sword. Volstagg will use his immense size and strength to battle. The three face their lessers. Although Elijah Snow attempts to freeze Hogun, Hogun’s mace is too quick. Snow is killed by Hogun. The Drummer’s beats, now enhanced by Kang’s theories, strikes Fandral repeatedly. Nonetheless, Fandral manages to eventually behead The Drummer with his sword. BLMF is killed by the combined efforts of all three Asgardians working together. The three savor their victory for only a short moment as Dr. Manhattan floats across the tundra to confront them. He looks at the TEAM-mates and tilts his head. The three are battle ready.
Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.
Fandral: Fight us, you blue beast!!!
Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.
Volstagg: Say something!!!! Do not just stand as one of stone!!!
Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.
Hogun: We are Asgardians!!! We are gods!!!
Dr. Manhattan’s head un-tilts: I . . . am. . . G-d.
In the blink of an eye, Hogun, Volstagg and Fandral are wiped from existence as their bodies burst into flames, leaving holes in the icy ground below.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Season 5 Week 2- The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs The Transfoamers
The Transfoamers are:
The Bloodpack (From Blade II):
Nyssa
Asad
Rheinhardt
Chupa
Snowman
Priest
Verlaine
Lighthammer
Aqualad: Jackson Hyde
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is:
White Lantern Hal Jordan
Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki
Yellow Ring Guy Gardner (w/ a red lantern ring and Alan Scott's green ring)
Star Sapphire #4
Meriadoc Brandybuck (w/ a blue lantern ring)
Larfleeze (w/ Count Dooku's red lightsaber)
Indigo Lantern #2
Ice Bros. #1-6
Joey Potter
Pacy Witter
Dawson Leery
"Im fuh fuh fuh freezin' Pace" chatters Dawson Leery "Wuh whu why would we be suh suh sent out huh huh here wi wi with nuh nuh nothing to help keep us warm?"
"I'll keep you guys warm, with some CHRONIC HIIIIGGGGGHHHHSSSSS" proclaims Merry Brandybuck soaring by his teammates, oblivious to the cold.
Before the Dawson can respond, his dreamy eyes suddenly explode. Causing Dawson to fall to the ground screaming. Before anyone else can react, There's a huge cracking noise as a giant ice flow smashes into the ground, crushing the six Ice Brothers where they stand.
"Pacey! What's happening?" screams Joey, but Pacey can't answer her, as he's fallen to the ground struggling, every bit of moisture being drained from his body by Jackson Hyde, Aqualad.
"Leave him alo-" begins Joey, but Aqualad simply forms a spike out of Pacey's fluids, which freezes almost immediately, and puts it right through Joey's heart.
"Oooohhhh SSSS***TTTT!!!! What's going on??? Did someone lace my weeeddddd" screams the blue lantern hobbit, his ring now drained of power since his hope of smoking down with the pretty people from the creek are dead. He doesn't even hear that CRACK of the rifle that takes his head of and ends his agony.
"Heh. Where's the slutty blonde?" asks Snowman as he steps over the frozen Creek crew and their dead stoner friend. "I hear she's a nice bit of fun"
"Silence, I fear this was just the beginning of the assault" says Aqualad
Aqualad is correct, for the remaining members of the Brotherhood, repping the rest of emotional spectrum have been watching this entire massacre and begin to plan their next move.
"Comeon guys, let's go kick their asses!" proclaims White Lantern Hal Jordan.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that, Hal" says a voice to Hal
"Whuh. who is this" Hal says
"It is I, your white ring" the voice answers "I am fueled by the power of life, so I'm afraid I can't be used to end a life, that would be detrimental to my very existence. I can help defend your life, but I cannot be used in an aggressive manner"
"Well that sucks" replies Hal "What the f**k am I supposed to do? Just hover here? That's lame."
Hal begins to remove the ring, figuring he'll take his chances powerless when the voice again beckons.
"Wait. I can not only be used to heal ailments, but I can restore the life of any recently fallen comrades. But only 13 times. After 13, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do."
"So, I'm a glorified nursemaid. Perfect." says Hal.
"Rrrrrarrrgggghhhh. Don't need you anyway Jordan" sneers Guy Gardner, who is struggling to keep his concentration with the red ring of rage constantly trying to get Guy to surrender to his rage and go on a rampage. "We can win without you, just get rrready to heal me in case I fff"
suddenly a golfball chunk of ice strikes Guy in the temple. Guy whirls to see who dares to attack him and sees Chupa smirk at him
"Come get some, Lightbright" Chupa sneers
"RrrrraaaRRRggggghhhhh!" shrieks Guy who tears after Chupa. Just as he's about to connect with him. Chupa throws a flash grenade, blinding Guy, and temporarily stunning him.This gives Lighthammer an opportunity to jump on Guy's back and Lighthammer sinks his teeth into Guy's throat. But this doesn't have the desired effect the Bloodpacker wanted. Instead of leading to Guy's death, Lighthammer bursts into flame and dies, the fiery plasma of the red lantern ring burning him up from the inside.
"I got this" says Priest who pulls a wooden stake and drives it through the heart of the still shaken Guy Gardner.
"Come on, we gotta revive Guy" says Hal.
"Patience " says the ring, "Watch."
Hal looks on as Larfleeze and Star Sapphire #4 are held at bay by Aqualad and the remaining Bloodpackers. Aqualad running himself to near exhaustion, having the Bloodpack constantly melt the frozen turf around them so he'll have an unlimited supply of ammunition.
"Nok" says Indigo Lantern #2, who motions for BL Shaun Poteracki to follow. The Indigo Lantern sees the strain the young son of Black Manta is subjecting himself to, pushing himself to the very limit. The Lantern taps into the power of the black ring in the vicinity and eases Jackson's suffering with a simply blast to the head.
With their big gun down, the rest of the Transfoamers are no match for the remaining Midgets and as the battle comes to it's gruesome, chilling end-Hal asks the white ring a question.
"So, I can revive any 13 members of my team in the pursuit of protecting life?"
"Correct, Hal. Any 13" answers the ring
"Then I know just what to do."
Hal flies over to the corpse of Joey Potter, points his ring and brings the cute, spunky brunette back to life.
"GASP!! Huh. What happen?" asks Joey
"Don't worry, baby. Everything's cool. Just come with me, we've got to help protect the miracle of life." smirks Hal, who scoops Joey up and flies off with her ready to see if being a white lantern could be the ultimate pick up device.
"I think I'm gonna like this ring." Hal thinks to himself
The Bloodpack (From Blade II):
Nyssa
Asad
Rheinhardt
Chupa
Snowman
Priest
Verlaine
Lighthammer
Aqualad: Jackson Hyde
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is:
White Lantern Hal Jordan
Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki
Yellow Ring Guy Gardner (w/ a red lantern ring and Alan Scott's green ring)
Star Sapphire #4
Meriadoc Brandybuck (w/ a blue lantern ring)
Larfleeze (w/ Count Dooku's red lightsaber)
Indigo Lantern #2
Ice Bros. #1-6
Joey Potter
Pacy Witter
Dawson Leery
"Im fuh fuh fuh freezin' Pace" chatters Dawson Leery "Wuh whu why would we be suh suh sent out huh huh here wi wi with nuh nuh nothing to help keep us warm?"
"I'll keep you guys warm, with some CHRONIC HIIIIGGGGGHHHHSSSSS" proclaims Merry Brandybuck soaring by his teammates, oblivious to the cold.
Before the Dawson can respond, his dreamy eyes suddenly explode. Causing Dawson to fall to the ground screaming. Before anyone else can react, There's a huge cracking noise as a giant ice flow smashes into the ground, crushing the six Ice Brothers where they stand.
"Pacey! What's happening?" screams Joey, but Pacey can't answer her, as he's fallen to the ground struggling, every bit of moisture being drained from his body by Jackson Hyde, Aqualad.
"Leave him alo-" begins Joey, but Aqualad simply forms a spike out of Pacey's fluids, which freezes almost immediately, and puts it right through Joey's heart.
"Oooohhhh SSSS***TTTT!!!! What's going on??? Did someone lace my weeeddddd" screams the blue lantern hobbit, his ring now drained of power since his hope of smoking down with the pretty people from the creek are dead. He doesn't even hear that CRACK of the rifle that takes his head of and ends his agony.
"Heh. Where's the slutty blonde?" asks Snowman as he steps over the frozen Creek crew and their dead stoner friend. "I hear she's a nice bit of fun"
"Silence, I fear this was just the beginning of the assault" says Aqualad
Aqualad is correct, for the remaining members of the Brotherhood, repping the rest of emotional spectrum have been watching this entire massacre and begin to plan their next move.
"Comeon guys, let's go kick their asses!" proclaims White Lantern Hal Jordan.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that, Hal" says a voice to Hal
"Whuh. who is this" Hal says
"It is I, your white ring" the voice answers "I am fueled by the power of life, so I'm afraid I can't be used to end a life, that would be detrimental to my very existence. I can help defend your life, but I cannot be used in an aggressive manner"
"Well that sucks" replies Hal "What the f**k am I supposed to do? Just hover here? That's lame."
Hal begins to remove the ring, figuring he'll take his chances powerless when the voice again beckons.
"Wait. I can not only be used to heal ailments, but I can restore the life of any recently fallen comrades. But only 13 times. After 13, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do."
"So, I'm a glorified nursemaid. Perfect." says Hal.
"Rrrrrarrrgggghhhh. Don't need you anyway Jordan" sneers Guy Gardner, who is struggling to keep his concentration with the red ring of rage constantly trying to get Guy to surrender to his rage and go on a rampage. "We can win without you, just get rrready to heal me in case I fff"
suddenly a golfball chunk of ice strikes Guy in the temple. Guy whirls to see who dares to attack him and sees Chupa smirk at him
"Come get some, Lightbright" Chupa sneers
"RrrrraaaRRRggggghhhhh!" shrieks Guy who tears after Chupa. Just as he's about to connect with him. Chupa throws a flash grenade, blinding Guy, and temporarily stunning him.This gives Lighthammer an opportunity to jump on Guy's back and Lighthammer sinks his teeth into Guy's throat. But this doesn't have the desired effect the Bloodpacker wanted. Instead of leading to Guy's death, Lighthammer bursts into flame and dies, the fiery plasma of the red lantern ring burning him up from the inside.
"I got this" says Priest who pulls a wooden stake and drives it through the heart of the still shaken Guy Gardner.
"Come on, we gotta revive Guy" says Hal.
"Patience " says the ring, "Watch."
Hal looks on as Larfleeze and Star Sapphire #4 are held at bay by Aqualad and the remaining Bloodpackers. Aqualad running himself to near exhaustion, having the Bloodpack constantly melt the frozen turf around them so he'll have an unlimited supply of ammunition.
"Nok" says Indigo Lantern #2, who motions for BL Shaun Poteracki to follow. The Indigo Lantern sees the strain the young son of Black Manta is subjecting himself to, pushing himself to the very limit. The Lantern taps into the power of the black ring in the vicinity and eases Jackson's suffering with a simply blast to the head.
With their big gun down, the rest of the Transfoamers are no match for the remaining Midgets and as the battle comes to it's gruesome, chilling end-Hal asks the white ring a question.
"So, I can revive any 13 members of my team in the pursuit of protecting life?"
"Correct, Hal. Any 13" answers the ring
"Then I know just what to do."
Hal flies over to the corpse of Joey Potter, points his ring and brings the cute, spunky brunette back to life.
"GASP!! Huh. What happen?" asks Joey
"Don't worry, baby. Everything's cool. Just come with me, we've got to help protect the miracle of life." smirks Hal, who scoops Joey up and flies off with her ready to see if being a white lantern could be the ultimate pick up device.
"I think I'm gonna like this ring." Hal thinks to himself
Spoiler Sports- Week One FFL Roundup
You're watching ESPN 8-The Ocho!. As always, I'm Cotton McKnight and this is "Spoiler Sport" your weekly wrap up of all the happenings around the Fantasy Fantasy League.
We'll start with the "Stan Lee" conference, where the JRR Tolkien division displayed total and complete utter domination of the over the Frank Herbert division. Every single team in the Herbert division fell to the Tolkiens, which is hardly surprising considering the pedigree of squads such as TEAM and Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches, but the real story is the possible rise of Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends.
It looks like Griff's gamble of trading the first overall pick in the 2012 draft has really paid off for the Dope Fiends as the former worst team of 2011 starts off their season with a bang with a win over the very team that may have led to the Dope Fiends success-reigning FFL Champions "Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve".
However, the win was not without controversy. Team owner Griffin Poteracki seems none too pleased with the performance of sole match survivor Kingdom Come Superman saying "KFC Superman is officially available for trade." It's no secret that the Dope Fiends have been less than impressed with last year's #1 pick, Kingdom Come Superman, and perhaps it was his near death at the hands of Mandolorian Justin Oblak that was the final straw for Griffin. No word has surfaced if any team is interested in picking up the elderly Kryptonian, but we'll keep you all abreast of the situation as it happens.
Over in the "George Lucas" conference things are looking a bit more balanced, with perennial favorites Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos and last year's Universe Bowl competitor The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets both finding success in 2012. Better Than All of You also had a very strong first outing, disposing of a Transfoamers squadron led by blue lantern John Cena.
One story to keep an eye on this season is the alleged "Commissioner Curse" that seems to plague the teams run by the acting Commish of the FFL. After strong starts the last two years in the FFL, including an impressive 9-2 season last year, the mighty "Horsemen of the Apokolips" found themselves on the losing side of battle falling to a very hungry "George Washington's Slaves". The news of the Horsemen's defeat was hardly a surprise to owner of the Slaves Chris Artrip who was quoted before the season even began as saying "The Commish is gonna start the year 0-1!" Many pointed out that in the first two years of FFL game play the Horsemen also displayed sluggish starts, but we'll continue to watch this story as it unfolds to see if the Horsemen just had a bad day, or if there's some truth that last year was a fluke for the office or if the office of Commish is just curse to lose.
Keep it locked here on the Ocho for all the fierce and frigid action as the FFL takes to the Arctic for week two. This has been "Spoiler Sport". I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you and keep it here for more of your "Sports on the Fringe" right here on ESPN 8- The Ocho.
Thank you and good night.
We'll start with the "Stan Lee" conference, where the JRR Tolkien division displayed total and complete utter domination of the over the Frank Herbert division. Every single team in the Herbert division fell to the Tolkiens, which is hardly surprising considering the pedigree of squads such as TEAM and Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches, but the real story is the possible rise of Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends.
It looks like Griff's gamble of trading the first overall pick in the 2012 draft has really paid off for the Dope Fiends as the former worst team of 2011 starts off their season with a bang with a win over the very team that may have led to the Dope Fiends success-reigning FFL Champions "Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve".
However, the win was not without controversy. Team owner Griffin Poteracki seems none too pleased with the performance of sole match survivor Kingdom Come Superman saying "KFC Superman is officially available for trade." It's no secret that the Dope Fiends have been less than impressed with last year's #1 pick, Kingdom Come Superman, and perhaps it was his near death at the hands of Mandolorian Justin Oblak that was the final straw for Griffin. No word has surfaced if any team is interested in picking up the elderly Kryptonian, but we'll keep you all abreast of the situation as it happens.
Over in the "George Lucas" conference things are looking a bit more balanced, with perennial favorites Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos and last year's Universe Bowl competitor The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets both finding success in 2012. Better Than All of You also had a very strong first outing, disposing of a Transfoamers squadron led by blue lantern John Cena.
One story to keep an eye on this season is the alleged "Commissioner Curse" that seems to plague the teams run by the acting Commish of the FFL. After strong starts the last two years in the FFL, including an impressive 9-2 season last year, the mighty "Horsemen of the Apokolips" found themselves on the losing side of battle falling to a very hungry "George Washington's Slaves". The news of the Horsemen's defeat was hardly a surprise to owner of the Slaves Chris Artrip who was quoted before the season even began as saying "The Commish is gonna start the year 0-1!" Many pointed out that in the first two years of FFL game play the Horsemen also displayed sluggish starts, but we'll continue to watch this story as it unfolds to see if the Horsemen just had a bad day, or if there's some truth that last year was a fluke for the office or if the office of Commish is just curse to lose.
Keep it locked here on the Ocho for all the fierce and frigid action as the FFL takes to the Arctic for week two. This has been "Spoiler Sport". I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you and keep it here for more of your "Sports on the Fringe" right here on ESPN 8- The Ocho.
Thank you and good night.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Week Two Schedule
WEEK 2: Arctic
200 Points
Prize: Flamethrower
Horsemen of Apokolips vs Tijuana Taco Benders (Nick)
Better Than All of You vs Former Pop Superstar Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos (Goof)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs The Transfoamers (Seeney)
Logical Genocide vs George Washington’s Slaves (Josh)
TEAM vs Team Sleeping Pussy (Becks)
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family (Josh)
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies vs Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Becks)
Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad (Ryan)
200 Points
Prize: Flamethrower
Horsemen of Apokolips vs Tijuana Taco Benders (Nick)
Better Than All of You vs Former Pop Superstar Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos (Goof)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs The Transfoamers (Seeney)
Logical Genocide vs George Washington’s Slaves (Josh)
TEAM vs Team Sleeping Pussy (Becks)
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family (Josh)
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies vs Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Becks)
Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad (Ryan)
Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad
Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are The In-Betweener and Cheer Bear.
Xavier's Annihilation Squad are The Engineer, Zombie Cyborg, and Mike Greenewell.
The match begins with Mike and Cheer Bear pitted against one another in the boxed arena. Both combatants grab their light discs and prepare for battle; but Mike takes the immediate initiative. Mike is eager to make a name for himself in the league and he feels like there is no better time than the present. Cheer Bear throws his disc but Mike dodges it and runs up fast on the cute little guy. He doesn't throw the disc, but instead brings it down hard like an ax. Mike smiles as he revels in the destruction of Cheer Bear and his first ever FFL Kill. “I just wanted to destroy something beautiful” says Mike to no one in particular and then starts maniacally laughing at his own Fight Club Reference. Mike thinks about how awesome he is and that this must just be a league for punks and sissies. "Yeah, I run this". He says under his breath. He starts to have dreams of the future... If his first kill was this easy, than maybe these dreams aren't to far from reality. His thoughts quickly move from... rookie of the year... League MVP... UNIVERSE BOWL CHAMPION!! But then the in-Betweener rips the Tron Light Cube out of this world and sends it back in to the real world where the digital make-up ceases being solid. This causes Mike to plummet to his death (oh well). Zombie Cyborg is down on the track racing on a recovered and reformatted Tron Light Cycle. The Zombie may not have the intelligence that Cyborg once possessed, but his computerized body parts can still function enough to manipulate the computer programming of the grid's equipment. Meanwhile Engineer is using nano-technology to alter the landscape of the grid to her will. Despite the nearly complete control she has over the system, she is still unable to find The In-Betweener, who is using his cosmic powers to go back and forth between the two worlds. The In-Betweener attempts to take over the grid completely but is unable to when he realizes that Engineer has completely integrated herself in to the system; and since the grid only exists in a computer realm, her abilities are trumping even the cosmic powers granted to the slave of Master Order and Lord Chaos. This multi-realm battle comes to a head only when The In-Betweener uses the opposite energy of the “real world” to rip apart the computerized fabric of this particular reality which of course kills The Engineer as well, considering that she is now simply part of the system. The In-Betweener than appears back in the grid where he is attacked by Zombie Cyborg. The Zombie leaps off of his light cycle sending it flying towards the In-Betweener, while he uses his arm cannon to blast at the cosmic being. Cyborg's hunger than completely takes over as he jumps on to The In-Betweener and attempts to eat him. The In-Betweener brushes the zombified-half-man/half-robot aside and then directs enough opposite energy in Zombie Cyborg's direction to disintegrate him.
BECKERMAN'S BACKYARDIGAN'S: BEEYATCHES ARE VICTORIOUS!!
Xavier's Annihilation Squad are The Engineer, Zombie Cyborg, and Mike Greenewell.
The match begins with Mike and Cheer Bear pitted against one another in the boxed arena. Both combatants grab their light discs and prepare for battle; but Mike takes the immediate initiative. Mike is eager to make a name for himself in the league and he feels like there is no better time than the present. Cheer Bear throws his disc but Mike dodges it and runs up fast on the cute little guy. He doesn't throw the disc, but instead brings it down hard like an ax. Mike smiles as he revels in the destruction of Cheer Bear and his first ever FFL Kill. “I just wanted to destroy something beautiful” says Mike to no one in particular and then starts maniacally laughing at his own Fight Club Reference. Mike thinks about how awesome he is and that this must just be a league for punks and sissies. "Yeah, I run this". He says under his breath. He starts to have dreams of the future... If his first kill was this easy, than maybe these dreams aren't to far from reality. His thoughts quickly move from... rookie of the year... League MVP... UNIVERSE BOWL CHAMPION!! But then the in-Betweener rips the Tron Light Cube out of this world and sends it back in to the real world where the digital make-up ceases being solid. This causes Mike to plummet to his death (oh well). Zombie Cyborg is down on the track racing on a recovered and reformatted Tron Light Cycle. The Zombie may not have the intelligence that Cyborg once possessed, but his computerized body parts can still function enough to manipulate the computer programming of the grid's equipment. Meanwhile Engineer is using nano-technology to alter the landscape of the grid to her will. Despite the nearly complete control she has over the system, she is still unable to find The In-Betweener, who is using his cosmic powers to go back and forth between the two worlds. The In-Betweener attempts to take over the grid completely but is unable to when he realizes that Engineer has completely integrated herself in to the system; and since the grid only exists in a computer realm, her abilities are trumping even the cosmic powers granted to the slave of Master Order and Lord Chaos. This multi-realm battle comes to a head only when The In-Betweener uses the opposite energy of the “real world” to rip apart the computerized fabric of this particular reality which of course kills The Engineer as well, considering that she is now simply part of the system. The In-Betweener than appears back in the grid where he is attacked by Zombie Cyborg. The Zombie leaps off of his light cycle sending it flying towards the In-Betweener, while he uses his arm cannon to blast at the cosmic being. Cyborg's hunger than completely takes over as he jumps on to The In-Betweener and attempts to eat him. The In-Betweener brushes the zombified-half-man/half-robot aside and then directs enough opposite energy in Zombie Cyborg's direction to disintegrate him.
BECKERMAN'S BACKYARDIGAN'S: BEEYATCHES ARE VICTORIOUS!!
Logical Genocide Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
Drunken Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana and “When I win this election, will I also be the second black President”?? Barack Obama's “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are White Lantern Deadman, Norma Cenva (w/ a green lantern ring), and Jack Crowe (w/ a red lightsaber).
Logical Genocide is Nekron with a Tron Light Jet, Black Lantern Brainiac with a Tron Light Jet, and Centurion #4 (AKA Jim Tebow) with a Tron Light Jet.
“Good Lord, grant my teammates and I the ability to both persevere and learn from the events that are about to take place. I would never be so bold as to ask for victory, but please provide us with a fair match that represents both teams with equal fortitude; and the good fortune that we both have earned through our actions here on earth... In your name... Amen”. Says Jim Tebow as he grabs his extractors, jumps, and forms his Tron Light Jet out of the Grid's computerized air. The cousin of the NFL Quarterback moves easily with his light jet and catches up to his two teammates to form a standard air attack formation. His years of flying in Skeletor's Army and his year's of reading The Good Book have made him an exceptional small vehicle pilot and he is more than ready for his debut in the league. The L-Ger's have complete control of the air, as only they can truly navigate it throughout the grid with the grid's own equipment. Jim Tebow, follows closely behind Black Lantern Brainiac, who's superior brain gives him not only the ability to operate the light jet perfectly, but also gives him a unique understanding of how the grid works. Their captain Nekron on the other hand is in the lead, operating his light jet as if the grid were the open seas; and he were The Man of Steel himself “hanging ten” on his well-worn surfboard. Jim admires both of his teammates, but these are traits that he does not require... After all, he has Jesus on his side. Jim will never forget the day that he and his cousin were playing in his backyard, practicing to someday play on the big college stage and maybe even the NFL. Most of the neighborhood actually thought 11 year old Jim's chances were better than 10 year old Tim's. That is until Skeletor's cosmic key wielding ship made a brief stop on earth for the impressment of Crack Troops for Snake Mountain's Eternian Army. Only a select few of those, harshly trained soldiers were good enough to make the cut as an Air Centurion. Not exactly what Jim thought his future held for himself, that day that he told his younger cousin to hide as he openly tried to run away from Evil Lyn's Crack Troops to act as a diversion. It ended up being Tim who went on to have the big NFL career, but it is not for Jim to question the path that God lays out for him, just to follow it. The Logical Genocide Trio runs a deep sweep into the city area, and spots The Commandos. They nose-dive low, working as a team, when Jack Crowe ignites his red lightsaber. The vampire hunter, just simply isn't fast enough as the three light jet operators use their Tron discs to slice him apart. Black Lantern Brainiac then doubles back and uses his disc to slice White Lantern Deadman directly through his mid-section. Brainiac smirks as he flies past but it does not take long for Deadman to reform no worse for the ware. Deadman, has not yet been able to fully access the powers of the ring, but he is definitely protected by it. Norma Cenva, sees this happen, and does not even begin to use her emerald powers that were gifted her last season. She taps in to the minds of The Great Rossack Sorceresses that she is descendant from and uses her mental powers to completely fry Brainiac's highly advanced brain like they used to do to The Titan Cymek's during The Butlerian Jihad. Norma is able to do this and not sacrifice herself, due to the fact that she can map out the true mental path that one must take to accomplish such an amazing goal. Nekron is quite impressed with Norma's mental abilites; but he is not scared even now that he is outnumbered 2 to 1. Nekron brings his massive blade down twice on Deadman. First to cut off his ring-bearing hand, and second to cut Deadman lengthways up the middle of his body. Norma Cenva then senses that Nekron is about to attempt to alter reality to take her out of the equation, but Norma alters the grid first. She combines her mental attack with not only her own green lantern abilities; but also with the free floating white lantern ring of Deadman to bend the space that Nekron is occupying and make...
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA AND PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALLION OF COMMANDOS VICTORIOUS!!
Logical Genocide is Nekron with a Tron Light Jet, Black Lantern Brainiac with a Tron Light Jet, and Centurion #4 (AKA Jim Tebow) with a Tron Light Jet.
“Good Lord, grant my teammates and I the ability to both persevere and learn from the events that are about to take place. I would never be so bold as to ask for victory, but please provide us with a fair match that represents both teams with equal fortitude; and the good fortune that we both have earned through our actions here on earth... In your name... Amen”. Says Jim Tebow as he grabs his extractors, jumps, and forms his Tron Light Jet out of the Grid's computerized air. The cousin of the NFL Quarterback moves easily with his light jet and catches up to his two teammates to form a standard air attack formation. His years of flying in Skeletor's Army and his year's of reading The Good Book have made him an exceptional small vehicle pilot and he is more than ready for his debut in the league. The L-Ger's have complete control of the air, as only they can truly navigate it throughout the grid with the grid's own equipment. Jim Tebow, follows closely behind Black Lantern Brainiac, who's superior brain gives him not only the ability to operate the light jet perfectly, but also gives him a unique understanding of how the grid works. Their captain Nekron on the other hand is in the lead, operating his light jet as if the grid were the open seas; and he were The Man of Steel himself “hanging ten” on his well-worn surfboard. Jim admires both of his teammates, but these are traits that he does not require... After all, he has Jesus on his side. Jim will never forget the day that he and his cousin were playing in his backyard, practicing to someday play on the big college stage and maybe even the NFL. Most of the neighborhood actually thought 11 year old Jim's chances were better than 10 year old Tim's. That is until Skeletor's cosmic key wielding ship made a brief stop on earth for the impressment of Crack Troops for Snake Mountain's Eternian Army. Only a select few of those, harshly trained soldiers were good enough to make the cut as an Air Centurion. Not exactly what Jim thought his future held for himself, that day that he told his younger cousin to hide as he openly tried to run away from Evil Lyn's Crack Troops to act as a diversion. It ended up being Tim who went on to have the big NFL career, but it is not for Jim to question the path that God lays out for him, just to follow it. The Logical Genocide Trio runs a deep sweep into the city area, and spots The Commandos. They nose-dive low, working as a team, when Jack Crowe ignites his red lightsaber. The vampire hunter, just simply isn't fast enough as the three light jet operators use their Tron discs to slice him apart. Black Lantern Brainiac then doubles back and uses his disc to slice White Lantern Deadman directly through his mid-section. Brainiac smirks as he flies past but it does not take long for Deadman to reform no worse for the ware. Deadman, has not yet been able to fully access the powers of the ring, but he is definitely protected by it. Norma Cenva, sees this happen, and does not even begin to use her emerald powers that were gifted her last season. She taps in to the minds of The Great Rossack Sorceresses that she is descendant from and uses her mental powers to completely fry Brainiac's highly advanced brain like they used to do to The Titan Cymek's during The Butlerian Jihad. Norma is able to do this and not sacrifice herself, due to the fact that she can map out the true mental path that one must take to accomplish such an amazing goal. Nekron is quite impressed with Norma's mental abilites; but he is not scared even now that he is outnumbered 2 to 1. Nekron brings his massive blade down twice on Deadman. First to cut off his ring-bearing hand, and second to cut Deadman lengthways up the middle of his body. Norma Cenva then senses that Nekron is about to attempt to alter reality to take her out of the equation, but Norma alters the grid first. She combines her mental attack with not only her own green lantern abilities; but also with the free floating white lantern ring of Deadman to bend the space that Nekron is occupying and make...
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA AND PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALLION OF COMMANDOS VICTORIOUS!!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Season Five Week 1: Team Sleeping Pussy vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies
Team Sleeping Pussy is Golden Age Flash (Jay Garrick), Black Lantern Leeloo, and S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent #2 Reginald "Butterscotch" McTwivent w/ Green Lightsaber.
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are Kevin Flynn, Sam Flynn, Tron, Quorra, Ewok #10 and the Wu-Tang Clan: Ol’ Dirty Bastard w/Red Lantern Ring, RZA w/Pokeball, GZA, Method Man w/Laser Gun, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah w/Starwand, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa w/Laser Sword and Cappadonna.
High above the Arena of the Grid, Kevin Flynn patiently holds Tron, Sam and Quorra back as he watches the ensuing events to unfold. “Dad! We can take this team down without the help of this group of thugs!” yells Sam Flynn.
“Patience, my boy. Patience,” Kevin calmly responds. “There is no need to rush into things like they did.”
The Wu-Tang Clan all arrive in the Arena of the Grid. Thousands of programs are cheering and chanting for the oncoming battle. The ten members of the Wu-Tang all activate their light disc and prepare for battle.
“Damn son, what it that?!” Raekwon shouts as he point at a streak of red that is coming straight for them.
“Whatever it is, it’s comin’ in hot, yo!” replies Inspectah Deck.
Golden Age Flash races in, with his light disc drawn and zips through the ranks of the Wu-Tang. He quickly dispatches U-God and Cappadonna, exploding them into pixels. S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent #2, Reginald “Butterscotch” McTwivent leaps into action as well. He is eager to prove his worth in what could be his final outing. He fires up his green lightsaber and lunges at Masta Killa. The Wu-Tang member quickly reacts and blocks the attack with his laser sword. Ghostface Killah rushes over to lend his teammate a hand and dropkicks Butterscotch to the ground. Ghostface Killah fires a magical bolt from his Star Wand, but Butterscotch blocks it with his lightsaber. He springs back up and tackles Ghostface and drives his lightsaber into his chest as he takes him down to the ground. Butterscotch then fires a look of determination at Masta Killah, which causes the gangsta to take a step back. Even Ewok #10 tries to get in Butterscotch’s way. But regardless of this being his final outing as well, Ewok #10 is swiftly turned into a throw rug by McTwivent. RZA and GZA then take point and try and double team the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, but he is on a mission that he believes no one man can stop. Butterscotch slices RZA’s arm off before he can launch his Pokeball. He then sweeps GZA feet out from underneath him and takes him out with a clean strike from his lightsaber. The one armed RZA screams in agony as his arm shatters into pixels as it hits the Grid floor. Golden Age Flash races by and finishes RZA off as Butterscotch plunges his Lightsaber deep into Masta Killa’s face.
“Try doin’ dat to me,” Ol’ Dirty Bastard shouts as he vomits red rage energy towards Butterscotch. He then concentrates all of his rage energy and splits into Dirt McGirt, Ason Unique, Osirus, Big Baby Jesus, Joe Bananas, BZA, Peanut the Kidnapper, Freeloading Rusty, Knifey McStab, Little Billy Clinton and Ol’ Dirty Bastard himself. The eleven faces of one Russell Tyrone Jones surround Butterscotch as the remaining three Wu-Tang members try to fend off Jay Garrick. “My name is O.D.B., for we are many.”
“Damn,” Butterscotch says calmly to himself as he realizes his fate. The O.D.B. Legion engulfs him in red rage energy and incinerates him, thus sending last season’s Consolation MVP to the Graveyard.
The eleven forms of O.D.B. spew red energy into the air as they celebrate their defeat over the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent. But this celebration is short lived as Black Lantern Leeloo sneaks up behind Ol’ Dirty Bastard and tears his heart from his chest. The other forms disappear as O.D.B. breaks apart into a cluster of pixels.
Kevin Flynn and his crew continue to patiently observe the ongoing battle from high up. Well not everyone is waiting patiently. Sam Flynn is pacing back and forth like a caged sex panther.
“Dad!! Look out!!” shouts Sam as he leaps off the tower and tackles Black Lantern Leeloo who was trying to steal Kevin’s light disc, something that is more powerful than a mere beating heart. Both of them crash to the floor as Tron and Quorra quickly leap to aid their teammate. Golden Age Flash finishes off Raekwon, Method Man and Inspectah Deck, when he is quickly knocked down by Tron. Jay promptly gets back to his feet, adjusts his sliver helmet and attacks Tron. The two combatants are swiftly dodging each other’s attack. Tron launches his two light discs at Jay Garrick, but the elder Flash easily dodges them. He races at Tron, but he leaps over the speedster, catches a light disc in his hand and fires it back at Jay Garrick. Jay takes his helmet off and blocks the light disc, but is unable to defend the other one that is still boomeranging back at him. Golden Age Flash shatters into a million pixels as Quorra and Sam try and take out Black Lantern Leeloo. The zombified form of the Divine Being is still too quick and skilled for the likes of Sam and Quorra. She flies at Sam, ready to rip his heart out, but Quorra dives in front of him and sacrifices herself to save Sam. Black Lantern Leeloo rips Quorra’s heart out and smashes it into several pixels. Sam screams in anger and jams his light disc into Black Lantern Leeloo’s chest. But she yanks it out, tosses it to the ground and continues to come after him.
Enter Kevin Flynn.
He drops down from what seems be the heavens and turns all of the lights off in the Grid, just by placing his hand upon the ground. He calmly stands up directly in front of Black Lantern Leeloo as she savagely flies at him. He merely puts his fist up in the air towards her, and snaps his hand open. Pure, blinding light radiates out as Black Lantern Leeloo is thoroughly deleted from the face of the Grid, thus ending this conflict.
The Tijuana Taco Benders Vs Brotherhood of Evil Midgets
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are: Azazel, 9 death Luigi, Pythona (w/ Assajj Ventress' 2 Red Lightsabers), and Mokey
The Tijuana Taco Benders are: Superman Jr., Batman Jr., and Movie Wheeljack
The teams have been up loaded and are currently being downloaded to the Grid………..……Sorry my computer’s kinda slow ……………………………..Broadband my a**………………………………...
Okay final the teams are here. Wheeljack immediately transforms and speeds off . Superman Jr. hands Batman Jr. a small orange pill.
Batman Jr.: Is this what I think it is?
Superman Jr.: I don’t know, do you think its ecstasy? GIGGLE
Batman Jr.: We have a job to do, this is hardly the time to get high.
Superman Jr.: Don’t me such a little b***h. We have the rest of our lives to do that superhero s**t , Tonight its time to party.
Elsewhere Wheeljack has run over Mokey and is now doing burnout’s on her face, luckily the Henson stitch is holding strong and for now so is Mokey. Luigi senses his teammate is in danger and calls for Azazel’s help. Azazel hears luigi’s call and teleports to Mokey’s location.
Wheeljack transforms and rushes Azazel, but out of no where a large green tunnel rises from the floor and Wheeljack falls in. Puzzled but not willing to investigate Azazel grabs Mokey and teleports to Pythona’s location.
Azazel and Mokey find themselves crouched down with Pythona in the rafters of the End of the line club.Down on the main floor the Super Son‘s are dancing just a little to close to be “just friends“. They have also each stolen a pair of identity discs and are using them like glow sticks.
Pythona: I have eyes on targets.
Mokey: Why they havin a sale? HAHAHA
Azazel: HAHAHA Good One, High five!
Pyhtona: Shut up you imbeciles!
Pythona leaps to the floor, ignites her light sabers, and then throws one to Azazel.
Superman Jr.: Ooooh la la.
Batman Jr.: Yea, he must work out.
Superman Jr.: What!?!
Batman Jr.: WHAT!?!
Superman Jr. picks up a chair and whips it at Pythonas head. She manages to slice it in half but that’s just the opening Superman Jr. needs to disarm her, literally. He rips the light saber from her right hand and uses it to cut off her left arm at the elbow. Pythona falls to the floor immobilized now that she is no longer a complete program. Superman Jr. is just about to stomp on Pythonas head when he is distracted by a noise he hears behind him. Its Azazel playing catch with himself using batman Jr.’s severed head as a ball.
Superman Jr.: you shouldn’t have done that.
Azazel just smirks, and that sends Superman Jr. into a frenzy. He leaps about 40 feet to Azazels position, and before he even lands Azazel begins to rapidly teleport changing location each time and each time slicing into Kryptonian flesh. Superman Jr. can only cover up and hope Azazel gets tired, this gives him just enough time to calm down, collect his thoughts and remember that he is faster. Just like that Superman Jr. reaches out and snags Azazel by the throat.
Superman Jr.: GOT YA B***H!
All of Superman Jr’s wounds heal within seconds, and that’s when he starts to knee Azazel in the face at super human speed. I am not sure how many shots Azazel took but it was a lot. Superman Jr. throws Azazel to the floor and stomps on his head as he walks over to Pythona’s motionless body. Mokey jumps down and even though she is scared ,tries to protect her fallen teammate.
SUDDENLY THE MUSIC STOPS….
A large green tunnel rises from the ground and Luigi jumps out wearing the same cloak Jeff Bridges wore in the movie. Luigi says to Mokey “ lets split man” ,and then Mokey tries to pick up Pythona. Sadly, Superman Jr. Hits her with a blast of heat vision and she shatters in Mokeys arms. Luigi is to busy running towards the tunnel with his arms stretched out like Jesus to notice. Just as they get into the warp tunnel Luigi jumps into the air, spins, and spits 3 fire balls into Superman Jr.‘s face killing him instantly and causing massive amounts of fire damage to the end of the line club.
On the way back to the locker room….
Mokey: So what ever happened to that German prick that ran me over.
Luigi: I know some Goomba’s that run a chop shop, I sent him over there.
The Tijuana Taco Benders are: Superman Jr., Batman Jr., and Movie Wheeljack
The teams have been up loaded and are currently being downloaded to the Grid………..……Sorry my computer’s kinda slow ……………………………..Broadband my a**………………………………...
Okay final the teams are here. Wheeljack immediately transforms and speeds off . Superman Jr. hands Batman Jr. a small orange pill.
Batman Jr.: Is this what I think it is?
Superman Jr.: I don’t know, do you think its ecstasy? GIGGLE
Batman Jr.: We have a job to do, this is hardly the time to get high.
Superman Jr.: Don’t me such a little b***h. We have the rest of our lives to do that superhero s**t , Tonight its time to party.
Elsewhere Wheeljack has run over Mokey and is now doing burnout’s on her face, luckily the Henson stitch is holding strong and for now so is Mokey. Luigi senses his teammate is in danger and calls for Azazel’s help. Azazel hears luigi’s call and teleports to Mokey’s location.
Wheeljack transforms and rushes Azazel, but out of no where a large green tunnel rises from the floor and Wheeljack falls in. Puzzled but not willing to investigate Azazel grabs Mokey and teleports to Pythona’s location.
Azazel and Mokey find themselves crouched down with Pythona in the rafters of the End of the line club.Down on the main floor the Super Son‘s are dancing just a little to close to be “just friends“. They have also each stolen a pair of identity discs and are using them like glow sticks.
Pythona: I have eyes on targets.
Mokey: Why they havin a sale? HAHAHA
Azazel: HAHAHA Good One, High five!
Pyhtona: Shut up you imbeciles!
Pythona leaps to the floor, ignites her light sabers, and then throws one to Azazel.
Superman Jr.: Ooooh la la.
Batman Jr.: Yea, he must work out.
Superman Jr.: What!?!
Batman Jr.: WHAT!?!
Superman Jr. picks up a chair and whips it at Pythonas head. She manages to slice it in half but that’s just the opening Superman Jr. needs to disarm her, literally. He rips the light saber from her right hand and uses it to cut off her left arm at the elbow. Pythona falls to the floor immobilized now that she is no longer a complete program. Superman Jr. is just about to stomp on Pythonas head when he is distracted by a noise he hears behind him. Its Azazel playing catch with himself using batman Jr.’s severed head as a ball.
Superman Jr.: you shouldn’t have done that.
Azazel just smirks, and that sends Superman Jr. into a frenzy. He leaps about 40 feet to Azazels position, and before he even lands Azazel begins to rapidly teleport changing location each time and each time slicing into Kryptonian flesh. Superman Jr. can only cover up and hope Azazel gets tired, this gives him just enough time to calm down, collect his thoughts and remember that he is faster. Just like that Superman Jr. reaches out and snags Azazel by the throat.
Superman Jr.: GOT YA B***H!
All of Superman Jr’s wounds heal within seconds, and that’s when he starts to knee Azazel in the face at super human speed. I am not sure how many shots Azazel took but it was a lot. Superman Jr. throws Azazel to the floor and stomps on his head as he walks over to Pythona’s motionless body. Mokey jumps down and even though she is scared ,tries to protect her fallen teammate.
SUDDENLY THE MUSIC STOPS….
A large green tunnel rises from the ground and Luigi jumps out wearing the same cloak Jeff Bridges wore in the movie. Luigi says to Mokey “ lets split man” ,and then Mokey tries to pick up Pythona. Sadly, Superman Jr. Hits her with a blast of heat vision and she shatters in Mokeys arms. Luigi is to busy running towards the tunnel with his arms stretched out like Jesus to notice. Just as they get into the warp tunnel Luigi jumps into the air, spins, and spits 3 fire balls into Superman Jr.‘s face killing him instantly and causing massive amounts of fire damage to the end of the line club.
On the way back to the locker room….
Mokey: So what ever happened to that German prick that ran me over.
Luigi: I know some Goomba’s that run a chop shop, I sent him over there.
Season 5-Week 1: TEAM v. LSOKACLTTMANF
“No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight.”-Red Sonja
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 1 Matchlocated in the Grid of Tron Legacy. They are as follows:
TEAM: Supergirl (Linda Danavers); Red Sonja and Cock Sneak Goomba #1.
Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Catgirl on a 4-wheeler and Princess Lolly with a blue lightsaber on a 4-wheeler; Batgirl (Stephanie Brown) and Ewok #57 on a Ducatti Motorcycle; Robin (Stephanie Brown) and Smurf #7 on an Imperial Speeder Bike and Zombie Rob
Bartlet.
Let the battle begin. . .
Cock Sneak Goomba #1 (hereinafter“CSG1”) is enraged at how many females Layander’s has played in the match. CSG1 immediately locates the one being that it has power over- one with an appendage, no matter how dead, small and crumbled it may be. CSG1 races at Zombie Rob Bartlet and focuses between his legs. CSG1 rips Zombie Rob Bartlet’s member off with a quick bite. Bartlet does not feel anything as he looks down at his ripped-off anatomy, now lying in between CSG1’s teeth. As CSG1 begins to run away with a penis in his mouth, he is struck by the “Tronified” Ducatti motorcycle driven by Batgirl. When the motorcycle spins around, CSG1 rises. The Ducatti comes again at the Sneak. Ewok #57 jumps off and pounces on CSG1. CSG1 gets the “lower fur” and furiously attacks the Endorian’s nether region. As CSG1 is about to locate Ewok#57’s special place, a 4-wheeler spins by and Princess Lolly uses her blue lightsaber to slice CSG1’s head off.
Red Sonja: What ugly beast stands before me?!?!
Zombie Rob Bartlet sees the silver-metaled, bikini clad Sonja and a low sob is heard as he looks down at his lost member. The only hard thing that Sonja will feel is the metal blade between her hands. While Bartlet ponders his lack of masculinity, Sonja rushes at Bartlet and slices off the top of his skull. Zombie Rob Bartlet moves to the Graveyard.
Sonja uses her She-Devil-with-a-sword skills to avoid the Imperial speeder bike. While it passes her, she cleaves the engine and the vehicle crashes. Robin and Smurf #7 fly off the vehicle. The two join Ewok #57. Sonja easily kills Smurf #7 and Ewok #57. Robin, on the other hand, uses her utility belt’s lasso weaponry and pins Sonja’s arms to her body. Sonja is helpless. . . until Supergirl comes to the scene. Supergirl rips the lasso and Sonja rushes at Robin. Robin pulls out a Tronified-Robin-knife and lodges it firmly in Sonja’s sternum before the warrior can skewer her. As Sonja falls, Robin can be heard to whisper.
Robin: That is for killing my secret lover.
A collective groan of dismay is heard as Catgirl, Lolly, and Batgirl think upon Zombie Rob Bartlet and Robin. . . for that matter. . . . Zombie Rob Bartlet and anything together is nauseating for the women.
Princess Lolly screams and rushes at Supergirl. She actually manages to cut Supergirl with her lightsaber. Supergirl then uses her speed to grab hold of Lolly. She looks at Lolly, who has dropped her lightsaber.
Supergirl: Valiant attempt. . . for a Candyland piece.
Supergirl crushes Princess Lolly and then brushes through the remaining women of Layander’s, killing them all.
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 1 Matchlocated in the Grid of Tron Legacy. They are as follows:
TEAM: Supergirl (Linda Danavers); Red Sonja and Cock Sneak Goomba #1.
Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Catgirl on a 4-wheeler and Princess Lolly with a blue lightsaber on a 4-wheeler; Batgirl (Stephanie Brown) and Ewok #57 on a Ducatti Motorcycle; Robin (Stephanie Brown) and Smurf #7 on an Imperial Speeder Bike and Zombie Rob
Bartlet.
Let the battle begin. . .
Cock Sneak Goomba #1 (hereinafter“CSG1”) is enraged at how many females Layander’s has played in the match. CSG1 immediately locates the one being that it has power over- one with an appendage, no matter how dead, small and crumbled it may be. CSG1 races at Zombie Rob Bartlet and focuses between his legs. CSG1 rips Zombie Rob Bartlet’s member off with a quick bite. Bartlet does not feel anything as he looks down at his ripped-off anatomy, now lying in between CSG1’s teeth. As CSG1 begins to run away with a penis in his mouth, he is struck by the “Tronified” Ducatti motorcycle driven by Batgirl. When the motorcycle spins around, CSG1 rises. The Ducatti comes again at the Sneak. Ewok #57 jumps off and pounces on CSG1. CSG1 gets the “lower fur” and furiously attacks the Endorian’s nether region. As CSG1 is about to locate Ewok#57’s special place, a 4-wheeler spins by and Princess Lolly uses her blue lightsaber to slice CSG1’s head off.
Red Sonja: What ugly beast stands before me?!?!
Zombie Rob Bartlet sees the silver-metaled, bikini clad Sonja and a low sob is heard as he looks down at his lost member. The only hard thing that Sonja will feel is the metal blade between her hands. While Bartlet ponders his lack of masculinity, Sonja rushes at Bartlet and slices off the top of his skull. Zombie Rob Bartlet moves to the Graveyard.
Sonja uses her She-Devil-with-a-sword skills to avoid the Imperial speeder bike. While it passes her, she cleaves the engine and the vehicle crashes. Robin and Smurf #7 fly off the vehicle. The two join Ewok #57. Sonja easily kills Smurf #7 and Ewok #57. Robin, on the other hand, uses her utility belt’s lasso weaponry and pins Sonja’s arms to her body. Sonja is helpless. . . until Supergirl comes to the scene. Supergirl rips the lasso and Sonja rushes at Robin. Robin pulls out a Tronified-Robin-knife and lodges it firmly in Sonja’s sternum before the warrior can skewer her. As Sonja falls, Robin can be heard to whisper.
Robin: That is for killing my secret lover.
A collective groan of dismay is heard as Catgirl, Lolly, and Batgirl think upon Zombie Rob Bartlet and Robin. . . for that matter. . . . Zombie Rob Bartlet and anything together is nauseating for the women.
Princess Lolly screams and rushes at Supergirl. She actually manages to cut Supergirl with her lightsaber. Supergirl then uses her speed to grab hold of Lolly. She looks at Lolly, who has dropped her lightsaber.
Supergirl: Valiant attempt. . . for a Candyland piece.
Supergirl crushes Princess Lolly and then brushes through the remaining women of Layander’s, killing them all.
Season 5-Week 1: Horsemen of Apokolips v. George Washington's Slaves
“Out there is a new world! Out there is our victory! Out there is our destiny!”
-CLU
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 1 Match located in the Grid from Tron Legacy. They are as follows:
Horsemen of Apokolips: Hal Jordan Parallax with two green lantern rings, Sinestro's yellow ring, a red ring and Star Sapphire ring; Kitty Pryde; and Glass Joe with a Heat Axe.
George Washington’s Slaves: CLU on light bike 1; Rinzler; Castor on light bike 2; Gem on light bike 3 and Kol Skywalker.
Let the battle begin. . .
The arrogance of Hal Jordan Parallax (hereinafter “HJP”) is seen early on in the match as the
entity-imbibed character flies above the field.
HJP: I will not waste my time with such as those I see from the Slaves who are well beneath my station in this League.
CLU, Castor and Gem rev their respective light bikes, focused on Glass Joe.
Glass Joe: Bonjour, bonjour! Je suis Glass Joe! Ha-ha! [Hello, hello! I am Glass Joe! Ha-ha!]
The three Tron warriors look at the Frenchman.
Glass Joe: Je viens te chercher! [I'm coming to get you!]
The three look at each other as the Frenchman slowly walks toward the bikes.
Glass Joe: Hé! Hé! Vive la France! [Hey, hey! Long live France!]
Castor: Now you’ve gone too far!
The three light bikes spring to life and barrel over the Tyson warrior’s stomach, one after the
other, in a well-precisioned display.
Glass Joe: Ma tête est en plein forme, mais mon estomac est en bouillie! [My head is in top
shape, but my gut hurts!]
Glass Joe is on the ground, clutching his middle. The bikers ride to the combatant and hover over him.
Glass Joe: Mon docteur a déclaré... que tu es mauvais pour ma santé. [My doctor declared...
that you are bad for my health.]
Gem lifts her bike’s front a few feet from the floor. The wheel smashes down on Glass Joe’s face and splits his skull open. As his life force drains from his body, his whisper is heard.
Glass Joe: Hey! Hey! Liberté! [Hey! Hey! Freedom!]
Kitty Pride: Why don’t you pick on someone besides a poor Frenchman?!?! Haven’t you seen “The Artist”?!?! Don’t the French now deserve our respect?!?!
The bikers all shake their heads at the same time and turn their light bikes in her direction. The vehicles race at the X-man, but before they can make contact with her, she phases. The three vehicles careen as they turn toward her again. She anticipates the Tron figures and, now solid, readies herself to phase again. The bikes speed toward her and like a matador with a frenzied bull in her wake, Pryde phases at the exact moment of probably impact. The bikes turn. Pryde, in solid form now, tries to figure out how to best the bikers. As she turns, she looks down to see a lightsaber through her torso. Kol Skywalker is holding the blade.
Kol Skywalker: You should have held your ghost form a bit longer little one.
Pryde crumples in Skywalker’s arms. Skywalker jogs away.
HJP: It is time. . .
HJP flies to the scene and unleashes his powers upon the bikers. His green, yellow and red rings spring to life and rip the bikers from their vehicles. The combatants manage to land safely and face their enemy. As HJP is about to discharge a barrage of multi-colored projectiles, he feels his hands being sliced from his arms. HJP looks down to see the disks flying toward his enemy, while his hands drop to the floor at the feet of Rinzler. HJP screams in agony and the Parallax entity rips from his body, killing CLU, Castor and Gem. Rinzler unleashes his disks again. This time HJP is ready and the disks explode when they meet the Parallax force. HJP is focuses on Rinzler and disintegrates the Tronian in front of him. HJP does not notice as Skywalker comes down from a battlefield monument. In one fell swoop, Skywalker slices HJP’s head off. Skywalker looks down at Rinzler who has sacrificed himself in this skirmish. . . but for the price of the Slaves’ first victory of the season.
-CLU
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 1 Match located in the Grid from Tron Legacy. They are as follows:
Horsemen of Apokolips: Hal Jordan Parallax with two green lantern rings, Sinestro's yellow ring, a red ring and Star Sapphire ring; Kitty Pryde; and Glass Joe with a Heat Axe.
George Washington’s Slaves: CLU on light bike 1; Rinzler; Castor on light bike 2; Gem on light bike 3 and Kol Skywalker.
Let the battle begin. . .
The arrogance of Hal Jordan Parallax (hereinafter “HJP”) is seen early on in the match as the
entity-imbibed character flies above the field.
HJP: I will not waste my time with such as those I see from the Slaves who are well beneath my station in this League.
CLU, Castor and Gem rev their respective light bikes, focused on Glass Joe.
Glass Joe: Bonjour, bonjour! Je suis Glass Joe! Ha-ha! [Hello, hello! I am Glass Joe! Ha-ha!]
The three Tron warriors look at the Frenchman.
Glass Joe: Je viens te chercher! [I'm coming to get you!]
The three look at each other as the Frenchman slowly walks toward the bikes.
Glass Joe: Hé! Hé! Vive la France! [Hey, hey! Long live France!]
Castor: Now you’ve gone too far!
The three light bikes spring to life and barrel over the Tyson warrior’s stomach, one after the
other, in a well-precisioned display.
Glass Joe: Ma tête est en plein forme, mais mon estomac est en bouillie! [My head is in top
shape, but my gut hurts!]
Glass Joe is on the ground, clutching his middle. The bikers ride to the combatant and hover over him.
Glass Joe: Mon docteur a déclaré... que tu es mauvais pour ma santé. [My doctor declared...
that you are bad for my health.]
Gem lifts her bike’s front a few feet from the floor. The wheel smashes down on Glass Joe’s face and splits his skull open. As his life force drains from his body, his whisper is heard.
Glass Joe: Hey! Hey! Liberté! [Hey! Hey! Freedom!]
Kitty Pride: Why don’t you pick on someone besides a poor Frenchman?!?! Haven’t you seen “The Artist”?!?! Don’t the French now deserve our respect?!?!
The bikers all shake their heads at the same time and turn their light bikes in her direction. The vehicles race at the X-man, but before they can make contact with her, she phases. The three vehicles careen as they turn toward her again. She anticipates the Tron figures and, now solid, readies herself to phase again. The bikes speed toward her and like a matador with a frenzied bull in her wake, Pryde phases at the exact moment of probably impact. The bikes turn. Pryde, in solid form now, tries to figure out how to best the bikers. As she turns, she looks down to see a lightsaber through her torso. Kol Skywalker is holding the blade.
Kol Skywalker: You should have held your ghost form a bit longer little one.
Pryde crumples in Skywalker’s arms. Skywalker jogs away.
HJP: It is time. . .
HJP flies to the scene and unleashes his powers upon the bikers. His green, yellow and red rings spring to life and rip the bikers from their vehicles. The combatants manage to land safely and face their enemy. As HJP is about to discharge a barrage of multi-colored projectiles, he feels his hands being sliced from his arms. HJP looks down to see the disks flying toward his enemy, while his hands drop to the floor at the feet of Rinzler. HJP screams in agony and the Parallax entity rips from his body, killing CLU, Castor and Gem. Rinzler unleashes his disks again. This time HJP is ready and the disks explode when they meet the Parallax force. HJP is focuses on Rinzler and disintegrates the Tronian in front of him. HJP does not notice as Skywalker comes down from a battlefield monument. In one fell swoop, Skywalker slices HJP’s head off. Skywalker looks down at Rinzler who has sacrificed himself in this skirmish. . . but for the price of the Slaves’ first victory of the season.
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