FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Week 9 Wrap Up

After a long, grueling season full of surprises. We welcome you to the final regular season episode of "Spoiler Sport" on ESPN eight-The Ocho! I'm Cotton McKnight. Let's get to the action!

It took eight weeks, but both the incredible winning streak of "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos and the abysmal losing streak of the Tijuana Taco Benders have both come to a conclusion. 

In what has been described as an epic confrontation, which saw the ninth and final death of such FFL All-Stars as the Martian Manhunter, Shaak Ti, and last but not least Dora the Explorer, George Washington's Slaves proved once again to be the weakness to the Commandos. Only veteran Slaves Yoda walked away from this magnificent battle. The Commandos ended the season with an outstanding 8-1 record and will have the #1 play off seed in the George Lucas Conference. In an incredible coincidence the team that kicked off the Commandos incredible win streak, Logical Genocide, will be their opponents. Will we see a repeat of the beginning of the season? Or will LG avenge their earlier loss and start a streak of their own?

While on the subject of the Lucas conference playoffs, the other match up will be another week one rematch with 2009 FFL champions the Horsemen of the Apokolips looking to topple George Washington's Slaves. Last time the Horsemen defeated the Slaves in the playoffs, they won a championship. Will history repeat itself?  Or will the Slaves topple yet another powerhouse team in their quest for their first ever championship?

Over in the Stan Lee conference,we've got the play-offs set but it's anybody's ball game. We'll see a week seven rematch between Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches, a match which saw B3 get a huge victory in Las Vegas. Will the odds be in the Backyardigans' favor again, or will the Murderflies give the 2010 FFL champions an early exit in the quest for a second trophy.

In the other match up, it looks like the most controversial trade in FFL history paid off in spades for Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers. While the trade didn't seem to go quite as planned for last year's champions Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve, the Dope Fiends not only were able to run the table and defeat every team in their division but score a first ever play off appearance for this iteration of the Dope Fiends. Their opponents aren't ones to be taken lightly however, as the last time Team Sleeping Pussy was battling on the Play Off Planet the destroyed the planet and secured themselves a victory thanks to the mechanations of Kang the Conqueror. Will we see another planet shattering contest? Or will Griffin keep the pussies from waking? Keep it locked here to the Ocho for all the playoff action!

As we head into round one of the playoffs. Don't forget that this Wednesday May 31st,  live on Groudy.com and The Majors.net we'll be broadcasting LIVE with our special panel of FFL experts as we look at the season that was, and speculate on what else we'll see this year. Broadcast starts at 8 pm, and promises to be just as wild as anything else we've seen this year. Again, that's May 31st at 8 on Groudy.com and TheMajors.net. We'll see ya there!

That's it for this season. As we head into the playoffs, this has been "Spoiler Sport!" I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you and good night.

Season Five Consolation Round (Balls, balls, balls!)

Round One: McDonald's Ball Pit
25 points
Prize: 1 Extra Draft Ball for the 2013 FFL Draft

The first match ups will be:

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Tijuana Taco Benders-(Josh)

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Layander's Super Orange Kitties-(Nick)

Better Than All of You vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad- (Seeney)

Transfoamers vs TEAM- (Fizz)

Again, I'll need rosters by 11:15 pm Monday. Best of luck to all involved.

SEASON FIVE PLAYOFFS

Round 1: Playoff Planet
750 Points
Prize: S.P.I.N. (Super-Power-Inhibiting Nanobots) Technology (3 uses)

Horsemen of Apokolips vs George Washington’s Slaves (Josh)
Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos vs Logical Genocide (Becks)
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies (Ryan)
Team Sleeping Pussy vs Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers (Seeney)

Division winners were awarded a Palantir (3 uses).
Everyone who made the Playoffs were awarded a set of 3 Life Model Decoys (3 uses per Decoy).

Week Nine Standings

Season Five: Week 9: Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyotches vs TEAM

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyotches are The Chaos King, Zombie Superman, Black Zarak, Hermione Granger and & Ewok #48.

TEAM is Jedi Knight #38B-40B, Goldbug, Bumblebee, Zistar Flamgag, Lightening McQueen, Tow Mater, Duke Nukem, Edward Cullen and Bella Cullen.

The room was dark without a hint of movement. Silence filled the air while several people slept soundly on their respective beds. The dark room had only the slightest smell of sin to it but there was nothing odd about the place to tell the story behind it. Slowly though, there was a small steady movement around the walls, giving the illusion that maybe something wasn't quite right. An unsettling feeling came over the place but there was nothing firm to give any real basis for the fear. The room then fell silent again until there was another quick movement towards the side of one of the beds. A whisper was heard, "I'm six months pregnant, watch me whilst...What the Hell!” Then nothing until the shadow along the wall moved again until it was no longer present. The room once more fell back into silence and eventually, hours later the room came alive again, only this time it was with the movement of the people waking up for the day.

As a small girl Hermione Granger traveled across Europe and other parts of the world with her Muggle parents. She so very much loved the thrill of coming to a new place, so when the young witch heard that they were to be fighting in New York city this week, she begged Mr. Beckerman to start her.

EARLIER…

Hermione: Please Mr. Beckerman, I know you do not find any pleasure in starting me during a match but I've always wanted to visit New York City.

Mr. Beckerman: I like having you around the office too much to start you Hermione. This place would fall apart if you weren't here.

Hermione: Well that may be true but I can't imagine one more match this year is going to displace the peace too much.

Mr. Beckerman: Well, I suppose I could make the exception one more time.

Hermione: Oh Mr. Beckerman...

Mr. Beckerman: Under one condition of course.

Hermione: Oh god (under her breathe). Yes, what is it?

Mr. Beckerman just smiles and says, "How about a little Men at Work?"

Hermione: Are you asking me if I'd like to go to a place down under?

Mr. Beckerman continues to smile as he looks across the table at the witch.

Hermione: Fine, you men are all the same. You do realize that this never means anything to me.

Mr. Beckerman: What? Are you saying something?

Hermione just shook her head in disgust, not quite sure if it was in regards to Mr. Beckerman or herself, either way, Mr. Beckerman couldn’t care less.

So after a simple conversation with Mr. Beckerman, Hermione was having her wish fulfilled as she was finally getting to visit the big apple. She walked into the Yankee Stadium with Zombie Superman and Ewok #48 in tow. Hermione looked at both of her teammates with complete disgust as the zombified Superman smelled and looked utterly awful, but not quite as awful as Ewok #48.

Hermione: I do not mean to be cross with you two but would it be too much to ask for you to at least bathe before battle. The newly renovated showers in the east hall have made it so there is no longer a reason to ever miss a shower. I know this of course because I am the one who implemented the plans to have such a wondrous system in place...

Hermione continued to talk to herself as both Zombie Superman and Ewok #48 went off into separate directions, away from the young witch.

Hermione: Well fine then, I suppose it's just too much for you two to understand. (She pauses for just a moment and then quietly says to herself)  I swear I don't remember the other Ewok's smelling that bad, if I wasn't so sure of the roster this week I would say he was a zombie himself.

Lord Chaos was all around the billion-dollar stadium, never staying in once place for more then a moment. Black Zarak on the other hand was nowhere to be found, which is odd since he is about the size of the Upper East Side.

On the other side of the stadium, TEAM's members quickly run out of the gate, very excited to get into the match. Most of them are not used to playing, so there is a positive energy in the air that is contagious. That is of course until the sullen ones enter the field. Despite the Cullen's love for baseball, Edward and Bella don't seem to even notice their surroundings. They just walk out of the dugout hand in hand, staring at each other’s beauty.

Edward: You are a vampire Bella.

Bella: You are a vampire too Edward. I can't believe how much I am in love with you.

Edward: If you left for even a second I don't know how I could live without you.

Bella: It would be the end of me as well. Your beautiful white skin makes me ravenous inside. I could think about your beauty all day.

Edward: Not as much as I could think about you. I didn't think you could become anymore beautiful then you were as a human but your skin is just so luminous in its whiteness.

Bella: We have a baby and I am a vampire.

Edward: I will protect you until the end of time you clumsy fool.

Bella: Oh Edward.

Edward: Oh my Bella.

Bella and Edward: We made Reneesme.

Jedi Knight #38B: Oh my god, please shut the f#$% up! I would seriously rather deep throat my lightsaber then listen to you guys talk anymore about each other.

Bella: Looks like somebody’s never been in love.

Edward: Nobody has ever been in love like we have. We made a baby.

Bella: We are both vampires like Esme and Alice.

Edward: You are a Cullen now. A Vampire who is a vegetarian even though we still technically eat meat.

Duke Nukem gives Jedi Knight #38B a look and the Jedi just gives him a look of resignation.

Duke Nukem: Come get some!

Duke then shoots his shrink ray at both Cullen’s and makes them smaller then your average mouse.

Bella: (In a high pitched voice) I love you more then the sun is bright. I’ll never stop thinking about your topaz eyes.

Edward: (In a high pitched voice as well) We made a baby.

Duke Nukem then walks over to the two tiny vampires and crushes them with his mighty boot. He then drops a pipe bomb on top of them and doesn't turn around when it explodes.

Duke Nukem: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Tow Mater: Hey yall, can we start fighting the other side before we completely kill each other?

Duke Nukem: Don't have time to play with myself.

Jedi Knight #40B: Huh, I can always find time for that.

The air was stale as the Endorian creatures slept. Darkness overtook the room as usual but on this night, there was a slight difference. Movement came across the dark shadows of the room and then they abruptly stopped. "Wake up." Nothing happened at first and then an Ewok awoke out of a deep sleep. "You still want the shit?" A slightly groggy "Yub yub" is heard, quickly followed by a "Shut the F#$% up! Seriously, don't say another word and just follow me". The still half asleep Ewok got out of bed and followed the shadowy figure through the darkness of the room and out into the nothingness of the night.

Jedi Knight #39B: Hell yeah Duke, now lets finally do our team proud for once this year.

Every member of TEAM took off towards the three visible members of the Backyardigans with such force and excitement that is was difficult not to feel the inspiration coercing through their veins. Instantly Ewok #48 ducked back into the dug out, making sure he was out of sight. Zombie Superman welcomed the incoming combatants, as he was craving some brains. Hermione Granger cast a spell that sent Lightening McQueen after Tow Mater, which immediately made Duke Nukem unload his Devastater at McQueen. Before the sports car was able to react, he was blown to smithereens by the machosistic pig.

Zistar Flamgag: Could we not kill each other you guys? We're not even making this a match for them.

Zombie Superman: Braiiinnnnnsssss!!!

Jedi Knight #40B: I am so sick of Zombie's saying Brains. You never here any of us saying Ham and Cheese Saaaannndddwichessssss!

As the Jedi Knight says this he is blasted with Zombie Superman’s heat vision and is quickly eaten alive by the undead kryptonian.

Zombie Superman: Ham and Cheese Saaannnndddwichesssss!

Jedi Knight #38B: Huh, who knew that a zombie could have a sense of humor.

Hermione: I did actually, because as the Backyardigans...

Zistar Flamgag: Please spare us your exposition Ms. Granger.

Hermione: Well I never...

Zistar then force pushed the witch into the bullpen, which instantly knocked her out.

Zistar: I think it's time for some style on this field.

Duke Nukem: It's tornado time.

Zistar Flamgag then creates the most magnificent force tornado this side of the Mississippi and sends it towards Hermione. As the tornado targets the witch though, out of nowhere, the walls around the bullpen where she is lying unconscious close around her, blocking her from certain death.

Duke Nukem: What the hell?

Zistar Flamgag: Huh, that's odd.

As the Ewok followed the mysterious figure he was wondering what he was getting himself into. As the darkness continued to overwhelm him, he eventually gave his trust over to the person who he knew wasn’t exactly on the up and up. With that being said though, if what he was promised was true, it was unequivocally going to be worth it. As he followed the shadow into the small room he stopped as he assumed this was where his fix was going to come. He was told to sit down on what seemed like a toilet. Normally this would seem odd but the high he was promised was to be so extreme that he was willing to put his life on the line for it. As the shadowy figure continued to fidget around the small room, the Ewok just sat there patiently, waiting for what he expected to be the most pleasurable moment of his life. His anticipation was immense but as soon as he heard the voice say, "Take a hit of this shit" he knew he had made the correct choice. He took a hit of the shit and he instantly was on cloud nine. He had read rock star autobiography's that talked about high's this good, but he never dreamed of ever attaining it for himself. As he sat there on the toilet he wondered if his life would ever be this good again. The pleasure overtook every sense in his dimwitted mind. He just sat there in the bathroom waiting for his next instruction but as time went on he realized he was by himself. Twenty minutes must have gone by and he was beginning to worry about his decision. After the high wore off he started to wonder what he was going to do. He was still hoping against hope that his mystery dealer would come back and give him one more hit but the realization of the situation began to overtake him. He started to understand what he had gotten himself into but by the time this happened, he felt the blow to his head. The first blow was a shock but the next five came in such rapid succession that they stopped being surprising and almost became expected. It wasn't long before he lost conscienceness and started to bleed out. The voice in the background became the only voice in the area and by this time the only thing the voice said was, "Time to finish this thing off."

Jedi Knight #39B: What the hell was that? Why the hell would the stadium protect her like that?

The Chaos King: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you weren't in Yankee Stadium to begin with?

Jedi Knight #39B: Why would that ever occur to me...Oh F#$%.

As the realization of this overcomes the TEAM members, Yankee Stadium begins to close up around every single member of TEAM. The ground begins to crumble under both Jedi Knights and the outfield walls literally begin to attack Duke Nukem as he starts to shoot everything he has at them. Tow Mater was the first to fall victim to the stadium as the left field upper deck crushed him to death. Zistar Flamgag has tried to conjure up another force tornado but before he is able to, he finds himself being suffocated to death by an unknown force in the middle on the infield.

The Chaos King laughs as he toys with the fake Jedi and watches him eventually take his last breathe. He looks around finds Goldbug who is trying to outrun the infield grounds, which are falling into nothingness. He hopes that he is fast enough to escape the implosion of the grass and right after the concept car believes he is in the clear, he picks him up and crushes him without a seconds thought. Bumblebee sees this happen and heads back towards the dugout. He narrowly escapes the destruction and manages to find shelter in the quickly crumbling stadium.

Jedi Knight #38B: What the hell is going on here?

Jedi Knight #39B: I don't know but why isn't the stadium going after them? It's like...

Ewok #48: It's like it's alive?

Both Jedi's are stunned by hearing an Ewok actually speak English (or basic) instead of its usually endorian language.

Jedi Knight #39B: You're saying the stadium is alive and you guys managed to recruit it for your own doing?

Ewok #48: No, I'm saying this isn't the stadium at all.

Jedi Knight #38B: Oh really? First we have an Ewok who can actually talk to us and now a stadium is not only alive but it's on your side?

Ewok #48: Well, not exactly.

Jedi Knight #38B: Wait, which part?

"Oh my god I had no idea their skin was this tough." As the shadow continues to cut away at the now dead Ewok, he is starting to wonder how long this was going to take. He had been slicing away at the flesh for over an hour now and he still did not have what he needed. It was lucky for him that nobody on his team suspected a thing or else this could have been a disaster. After another twenty minutes or so went by he finally had what he wanted and began to carefully set the scene for his crime. He tucked the skin suit away very carefully and then placed his flamethrower underneath the bloody body of the Ewok. He covered the ground in as many drugs as he had brought and turned the flamethrower on. The bathroom quickly became an inferno (Argento Style) and before he knew it the bloody, skinless body of the Ewok was engulfed in flames. He only had seconds to add the finishing touch to his masterpiece but as he took off, he gently set a crusted up Kleenex in the corner of the bathroom, a corner that he knew would be safe from the fire. He knew that there was going to be an investigation and although this evidence might be convenient, he understood that his team was going to be more then willing to pin this on Ryan. As the shadowy figure walked away from the scene holding the skin suit of Ewok #48 he laughed, saying "burn in hell Ryan, burn in hell you stupid son of a bitch."

Ewok #48 then walked out of the dugout, only it wasn't just an Ewok. As the small supposedly Endorian creature walked towards the two trapped Jedi Knights he began to tear off his fur and before the Knight knew what to do with themselves they realized what, or I should say who they were actually looking at.

Jedi Knight #39B: It can't be, you died.

Jedi Knight #38B: You piece of s#$#!

Pablo: That's right boys, don't believe everything you read in the papers because not only didn't I go anywhere, I've been right where I've wanted to be this entire time...right up your f#$#ing ass!

Pablo then unleashes his flamethrower on the two Jedi's and he stands there in triumph and laughs as he watches them burn to death in the crumbling outfield.

Pablo: I'd like to say I'm back but that'd be understating the point.

Just then a now free from the outfield bleachers Duke Nukem unleashed his full arsenal on Pablo but before he landed a bullet on the sadistic penguin, Zombie Superman flew in front of the penguin and took in the full blast of his offering.

Duke Nukem: Hey Clark, you look hot, looks like you need to chill, chill chill.

Duke Nukem then empties his entire freeze gun on the zombie kryptonian, freezing him in his exact defensive stance.

Duke Nukem then looks directly at him, smirks and says, "Come Get Some" and fires one missile at him and blows the zombified Clark Kent into a million pieces. He then turns to Pablo who is staring back in him disbelief and says, "What you waiting for, Christmas?"

Hermione Granger: No Mr. Nukem, I believe that's already passed.

Duke Nukem then turns around to look at Hermione and says,  "Ooh, shake em baby. Show me some sugar."

Hermione Granger: I would be glad to.

Hermione then stuns the muscle bound walking erection as Pablo rushes up to him and unloads the last of his flamethrower on him. Duke is fully conscience as he burns to death under the stunning spell of Ms. Granger.

Hermione looks over at Pablo and not only can't believe her eyes but will never likely forgive herself for being glad to see the sadistic penguin. She looks at him with a sense of gratitude and a huge smile on her face.

Hermione: I can't believe I am going to say this but I am very happy to see you again.

Pablo: Oh I bet you are, your reputation has only grown since I went into hiding. Speaking of grown, you should see my...

Hermione: I only say this because you have no idea what a headache the last couples of months have been. Vader has been so distracted since your supposed demise; it's been almost impossible to get him to concentrate on anything else. I am glad you are alright though, we are going to need your...skill set in the upcoming playoff run.

Pablo: Skill set? Just come out and say it, you need yourself some penguin.

Hermione: Interspecies cohabitating is out of the question. I've stooped to levels that I never quite imagined I would have over the last couple of months, but I must draw the line somewhere.

Pablo: We'll see about that.

Hermione gives a smile and blushes a little but not before Bumblebee crashes out through the dugout and sends a shot directly towards the penguin. Hermione blocks the shot with a defensive spell and before the yellow car is able to do anything else, he is pinned back down to the ground.

Bumblebee: Wait, wait one second. Just let me know.

Hermione: Just let you know what?

Bumblebee: How did you turn the Stadium into a weapon? How did you make it work for you as well as you did?

Hermione: CK? Would you like the floor on this one?

Out of nowhere The Chaos King appeared and in an instant he grabbed Bumblebee and flew him in the air several hundred feet above the stadium.

The Chaos King: Do you notice something odd?

Bumblebee: No, what?

The Chaos King: Look right in front of you. What do you see?

Bumblebee: (In disbelief) I don't believe it.

The Chaos King: Look familiar?

Bumblebee: That's the new Yankee Stadium. It's right across the street. But I thought they tore the old one down three years ago.

The Chaos King: They did.

Bumblebee: Then what is this place?

The Chaos King: Bumblebee, that is your name isn't it?

Bumblebee shakes his head yes.

The Chaos King: Bumblebee, I'd like you to meet my friend, Black Zarak.

As he finishes his sentence he smiles one last time at the Autobot and drops him down to the ground. He lands with a thud, but before he is able to get his wits about him, the ground completely collapses around him and the monstrous transformer that has played as the terrain for them the entire match engulfed him. As Hermione and Pablo leave the Black Zarak Yankee Stadium, Bumblebee is overcome with the power of the transformer, bringing TEAM's most disappointing season ever in the Fantasy Fantasy League to an end.

Season Five Week Nine: Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: Power Girl, Proteus, Ron Burgundy W/ Quinlan Vos’s lightsaber, Brian Fantana W/ Magnoguard Electrostaff, Brick Tambland W/Trident, Champ Kind W/ Battle Axe, Veronica Corningstone w/M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Baxter the Dog, Mrs. Voorhees W/ Red Lantern Ring, Damien Thornn W/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Mrs. Baylock, Damien Thornn’s Rotwiller, Venom (Flash Thompson), Mecha Hitler, Sub-Zero, and Robot Man.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, Lucretia Batiatus, Spartacus, Crixus, Gannicus, Oenomaus (Doctore), Agron, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, Melitta, Prince of Persia, Altair Ibn-La'Ahad, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Machete, Teddy Roosevelt w/Green Lantern Ring, Quick Draw McGraw, and Rancor #2.

The sun peaks over the towering spectacle that is the Coliseum. The crowd is a raucous bunch. Their bellies full of wine. Heads filled with lustful thoughts and a rising desire for carnage. Quintus Lentulus Batiatus steps forth from his seat upon the balcony and raises his hands in the air, quieting the audience.

“Good people of Rome!” he starts. “It has been a long journey, but the House of Batiatus is finally here in the Coliseum!”

The crowd lets out a cheer that grows through the air. Quintus quiets them down as he continues.

“You have all seen wondrous spectacles of blood and victory here in this truly awe inspiring structure. But nothing like you will see in a moment. I bring to you, the good people of Rome, a feast for the senses. Today you will be witness to the finest gladiators that have ever drawn blood on this hallowed sand. Allow me to introduce to you….Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies! Led by the Bringer of Rain, himself… SPARTACUS!!!!”

The crowd erupts in voracious applauses as the gates open and Spartacus leads his crew out to the arena. He is followed closely behind by an exuberant Gannicus, a determined Crixus, and the ever stoic Oenomaus. The rest of the Murderflies take their positions in the sand as directed to them by Spartacus as they await the arrival of their opponents.

The hiss of hydraulics then fills the air as Mecha-Hitler arises and takes his place on the balcony. The audience falls silent as he begins to speak.

“Ah, very vell said, herr Batiatus. But your vords vill not be enou….”

“Great story. Compelling and rich. Uhh, I got this one robot man,” says Ron Burgundy as he stands up and knocks back the rest of his glass of scotch.

“Vhat?! I am not Robot Man,” replies Mech-Hitler. “I am ze one and only Mecha-Hitler!”

“Your mustache is hilarious. It isn’t even finished,” Ron Burgundy says. He then turns his attention to a confused Roman audience. “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. Um, I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany…”

The audience begins to grow unruly, and they are not the only ones. Agron takes aim and launches a spear towards Ron Burgundy up in the balcony. He however, barely misses the anchorman, who had just turned out of the way to re-fill his glass with delicious scotch. The spear does however drive through the chest of Lucretia Batiatus, who was sitting in the balcony as well. Spartacus snaps his head around in anger to Agron, who simply shrugs his shoulders and lets out a chuckle.

“Channel 4 Action News Team! Let’s do this,” says Ron Burgundy as he ignites his lightsaber. Ron leaps off the balcony and leads his team into battle.

The News Team then finds themselves surrounded by the gladiators. Brian Fantana is dropkicked back by Varro as Champ gets attacked by Gannicus. Barca lets out a vicious roar at Brick, who in turns yells right back. Both, wielding tridents, rush towards each other. Barca, however, is a trained gladiator and easily dodges Brick’s attack and skewers him with his trident. The first of the Action 4 News Team falls. But he is certainly not the last. Champ Kind is totally outclassed by Gannicus and has both of his arms sliced off by the former “Champion of Capua.” Brian Fantana is desperately trying to fend of Varro, but is quickly backed up against the wall. Varro arrogantly waltzes toward the lead field reporter, which proves to be his undoing. Ron runs up behind him and drives his lightsaber through Varro’s back.

“Well… when in Rome,” Ron says as he drops the gladiator.

Veronica Corningstone sees the trio of Naevia, Mira and Melitta behind all of the gladiators. She takes aim with her rocket launcher and lets one off the chain. The women leap out of the way and evade the incoming rocket. A large section of the crowd however, is not so lucky. The rocket explodes into the stands and takes out several hundred viewers. Naevia then leads the women against Veronica who finds herself now being triple-teamed. Melitta distracts her as Mira fires an arrow through Veronica’s eye, killing her. Baxter the Dog runs up and bites Naevia on the ankle, which causes her to let out a scream. This attracts the attention of her lover, Crixus. The Gaul runs over and punts the little dog in the head, sending his lifeless body hurdling across the arena floor. He goes to tend to Naevia, who assures him that she is fine.

Ron and Brian find themselves alone against the whole of the Murderflies. Brian begins to cry uncontrollably. Burgundy pulls out a flask full of scotch and finishes it off in no time. The gladiators begin to close in, when Barca is frozen solid in place in a block of ice. The two remaining members of the News Team spin around to see Sub-Zero and the rest of the Dope Fiends finally arriving to the battle. Fantana is overwhelmed with relief that his immediately throws up all over the arena floor, which causes the audience to let out an audible groan. Sub-Zero slides underneath Agron’s swipe of his sword and uppercuts the frozen Barca, exploding the block of ice and the gladiator inside.

“Great Odin’s raven!” exclaims Ron upon seeing Sub-Zero’s move.

The crowd is now in a frenzied state of drunken cheering as the battle nears its apex. Damien Thornn flies in just in time to see Mrs. Baylock and his trusted rotwiller gutted by Altair Ibn-La’Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze. The Anti-Christ fires several blasts from his Yellow Lantern ring at the assassins, but they manage to evade the attack. The small boy lands on the arena sands and begins to calmly walk toward the duo. They race over to a large gate and pull its doors open. A massive Rancor stomps his way out of the shadows and focuses on Damien. The monstrous creature lunges down and snaps the boy up in its jaws. The head of the Rancor then explodes in a burst of yellow energy as Damien Thornn rises out from it. The crowd lets out a loud “ohhhhhhhh!!!” as the beast falls.

Venom sneaks up behind Quick Draw McGraw and dispatches the horse before being knocked into the crowd by the Prince of Persia. Venom looks up just in time to see a machete slamming down into his skull, courtesy of Machete. He turns and gives the Prince of Persia a nod as he runs of to find more victims.

As the battle spills out of the arena and into the stands, Batiatus tries to flee, but is stopped by Mecha-Hitler. The cyborg dictator takes aim and aerates Quintus with his quad chain guns. Spartacus sees this and races towards the balcony. He uses the shield of Crixus as a ramp, and leaps into the air, sword drawn. Spartacus drives his blade right into Hitler’s face and splits it in two. The crowd erupts in applause at the sight of the “Bringer of Rain.” He then leaps off the balcony and targets Sub-Zero who has just ripped the spine out of the Italian Assassin. The ninja fires an ice blast that Spartacus easily dodges. However, the Prince of Persia is blindsided by it and is frozen solid, which allows Ron Burgundy to slice him in half with his lightsaber. Sub-Zero fires another ice blast that Spartacus blocks with his shield. He is however, forced to drop the shield, as it is now caked in ice. Sub-Zero slides towards the gladiator and knocks him off his feet. Spartacus rolls out of the way of another ice attack. He leaps up and connects with a hard knee to the chin, which catapults Sub-Zero into the air and down onto his back. The descendant of the Cryomancers flips back on to his feet and takes a stance as he concentrates. A glowing ball of ice begins to form between the Lin Kuei ninja’s hands as he continues to concentrate. Spartacus, ever patient, stalks Sub-Zero. The two never lose eye contact. The gladiator the begins to run right towards the kombatant. Sub-Zero lets out a loud yell as he unleashes the massive blast of ice towards Spartacus. The Thracian narrowly slides out of the way, leaps up, comes across Sub-Zero’s torso and cuts him in half. The crowd roars, as a “Spartacus, Spartacus, Spartacus…” chant breaks out.

The trio of women from the Ludis has lured Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana into the tunnels of the Coliseum. Mira grabs Ron and begins to tear his clothes as Melitta and Naevia undress Brian.

“Oh, why hello there,” says Ron. “Please, be careful with the suit. It’s polyester, you know.”

The women do not say a word. They just continue to undress the two remaining members of the News Team. Mira unbuckles Ron’s pants as he drops his lightsaber to the ground. Naevia takes Brian’s electrostaff so that Melitta can remove his jacket. Mira then drops to her knees and begins to perform fellatio on the anchorman. Naevia knocks Brian down and climbs on top of the reporter.

“Well this is just a delight,” says Burgundy as he closes his eyes and leans his head back in enjoyment.

“Oh, oh, oh. And here I thought we were being brought down here to our doom,” adds Fantana.

As Naevia grinds deeper and deeper onto Fantana’s groin, she reaches behind her and grabs a hold of a dagger. She leans in and whispers into Brian’s ear, “That’s exactly what it is happening.”

She plunges the dagger into Brian Fantana’s chest. He screams in agony, but Ron is too far gone into “Pleasure Town” courtesy of Mira’s amazing abilities with her throat to be able to tell that Brian’s screams are ones of excruciating pain. Melitta then takes a scarf off from around her neck and wraps it tightly around Brian’s throat and finishes him off. Mira then finishes off Ron, figuratively. She pulls away, wipes her mouth and turns to her teammates and gives them a wink. Ron then opens his eyes to see the three women, all wielding daggers, surrounding him.

“Ladies. Please, be careful with those things. You may cut my mane,” says Ron as he stands there with his pants around his ankles.

There is then a rumble from deep within the tunnels. The wall behind Burgundy explodes as Power Girl comes to her teammate’s aid. She quickly uses her heat vision to dispatch the three women and saves Ron Burgundy from certain death.

“Oh, thank the maker,” the anchorman says as he’s rescued.

“Ron…” Power Girl says. “Put your damn pants back on.” She then flies off with a slight smirk on her face after seeing the pants less Burgundy.

Back out in the arena, Teddy Roosevelt is being bombarded by the combination of Mrs. Voorhees and Damien Thornn with their respected rings. The two evil beings are quickly tiring the former President. But Oenomaus’s whip wraps around Mrs. Voorhees and slams her to the ground. Agron then tackles the Anti-Christ. The mother of Jason tries to free herself from the whip but cannot free herself at first. She then uses her red rage energy to vomit all over the taught whip, burning it to ashes. Oenomaus stumbles back as the whip snaps apart. Mrs. Voorhees spews more red rage energy at the Doctore, but he dives behind the Rancor carcass. Gannicus leaps over the Rancor next to his old friend.

“Ha, did I just see you run from an old woman?!” laughs Gannicus.

Oenomaus glares at him and replies, “Do you ever take anything seriously?”

“Hahaha. Sure I do. I take the thought of an empty glass very seriously,” jokes Gannicus.

The two gladiators then flank around the dead Rancor and double team Mrs. Voorhees. They dodge her red rage energy. Gannicus is the first to strike and jams his sword into her open mouth. Oenomaus then comes up from behind and drives his into her back. They give each other a nod of a job well done when they notice that Agron is being ripped apart by the pack of yellow energy rotwillers that Damien has created. Teddy Roosevelt has by now recovered from the double team he was facing and now is focused his energy to taking out Robot Man. The robotic Cliff Steele tries his best to defend himself, but the sheer willpower of the 26th President is too much for him and he is melted to slag by the green energy. Damien Thornn sees this and turns his attention to Teddy. But he first fires a blast of yellow energy that knocks Gannicus and Oenomaus away. Though Roosevelt is filled with willpower, there are few that can instill as much fear as the Anti-Christ can. Damien fires multiple yellow energy spikes that break through Teddy’s green energy shield and pierce Roosevelt’s body. Crixus however blindsides Damien and viciously and brutally removes first his limbs and then his head, leaving the boy a bloody torso.

As Gannicus and Oenomaus regain their composure, they noticed the burnt out husk that was once Machete and Altair Ibn-La’Ahad.

“What by Jupiter’s cock has done this?!” exclaims Oenomaus. He turns to see Gannicus’s eyes glowing and is betrayed by his own teammate. Gannicus slowly plunges his sword into Oenomaus’s gut. “Gannicus? Why?”

“Not Gannicus,” the gladiator sneers. “Proteus.” The mutant has possessed the body of Gannicus and now uses his reality warping powers to stretch Oenomaus’s body well beyond its physical limitations. He then disintegrates the Doctore.

Spartacus and Crixus find themselves as the only two remaining members of the Murderflies left still standing, now that Proteus has possessed Gannicus. The normal laughter from Gannicus now has a strange and unsettling reverberation to it. Power Girl swoops out from the tunnels below and lands next to Gannicus/Proteus. Spartacus takes Power Girl as Crixus faces off against Proteus.

Spartacus moves swiftly and surely, but Power Girl’s Kryptonian abilities allow her to easily evade the attacks. He continues his pursuit, as Ron Burgundy re-enters the fray. He ignites his lightsaber and attacks with the fervor of a Sex Panther. Spartacus barely evades the swing of the lightsaber. He spins around and thrusts his sword into the chest of Ron Burgundy. Power Girl eyes then glow red and she unleashes a blast of her heat vision. Spartacus is able to grab Burgundy’s lightsaber and block the attack just in time.

The Coliseum itself, begins to melt and warp around the combatants as Proteus unleashes more of his power. Crixus continues to battle his possessed teammate. Gannicus’s body burns faster and faster as Crixus forces Proteus back. The mutant finally burns completely through the gladiator and erupts from Gannicus’s body. He then uses his powers to open the ground beneath the Gaul and swallow him whole.

Spartacus continues to defend himself against Power Girl. She flies in and knocks Spartacus clear across the arena. Blood spurts from his mouth as he hits the sands. He rolls back up onto his feet and manages to swing the lightsaber and slashes Power Girl. She slams into the ground as she loses control of flight from the attack. When she stands up there cauterized wound across her shoulder. That is all that is on her shoulder now, due to the lightsaber cutting through her costume. Her heaving breasts are fully exposed now, which now just pisses Power Girl off. What’s left of the crowd is now fully on their feet in an uproarious fever as the sun glistens off of the sweat the drips down her cleavage. Even Spartacus cracks a smile when he sees this amazing sight. Power Girl then flies up to the Thracian in a blink of an eye. She grabs him by his throat and lifts him into the air. Spartacus cannot believe the sheer speed she just showed. Power Girl then slams Spartacus into the ground, killing him on impact. She picks her cape up off of the arena floor and wraps it around her exposed breasts.

“God, I’m glad Burgundy isn’t around to see this,” she says to herself.

Season 5, Week 9: Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

“I'm an actor and this is a role I'm playing, but people can get wacky.”

 -Dean Cain

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 9 Match located at the University of Michigan Stadium.  They are as follows:

Horsemen of Apokolips: Jean Grey-Phoenix, Hope Summers, Chris Artrip with Mandalorian Armor, and Green Lightsaber, Ella Artrip with The Predator (Star Sapphire Entity) with blue lightsaber and Supergirl's Cape, Hal Jordan-Parallax with Ophidian (Orange Entity) with two green lantern rings, Sinestro's yellow ring, red lantern ring and Star Sapphire ring, Luke Skywalker-Grand Jedi Master with Adara (Blue Entity).

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Superboy (original Clark Kent version), The Fantastic Four: Franklin Richards, Black Lantern Invisible Woman, Black Lantern Human Torch, Zombie Thing, The Phoenix Force, White Lantern Hal Jordan (with a red lantern ring, Alan Scott's magical green lantern ring and Guy Gardner's yellow lantern ring), Carla from Cheers (with a jetpack) and Dean "Heartthrob" Cain (with a blue lightsaber) on an Oscorp Glider.

Let the battle begin. . . as the teams move from one endzone to the other. . .

Visitor’s Endzone. .  .

Dean “Heartthrob” Cain rides upon his Oscorp Glider across the Visitor’s Endzone.  The ex-Teri-Hatcher-plow-tool spots his target and ignites his blue lightsaber.  Cain speeds across the way and reaches Ella Artip who flies with the assistance of The Predator.  He uses his lightsaber and slashes at Supergirl’s cape.  He then pulls the material off the youngling.

Cain:  This is mine you little guff!!!

Ella Artrip loses her cape and begins to cry.  Cain takes advantage of her angst and kicks her to the field below.  The Predator bursts forth from her body due to Ella’s pain and rips into Cain.  Cain feels the “Love” and loses his blue lightsaber in the process.  He decides that he will love little Ella. . . to death.  Cain drops to the field with his glider, walks next to Ella and cradles her in his arms.  As he takes her head close to his well-muscled pecks, he screams.  He looks down and sees a Mandalorian-armored Chris Artrip’s hand holding a lightsaber which has burned a hole through Cain. 

Chris Artrip:  The only man-boob my daughter will nuzzle up to is my own Cain.

Cain dies and Artrip picks his daughter up. 

Superboy is dismayed at the loss of his heroic television counterpart and joins White Lantern Hal Jordan (hereinafter “WLHJ”) as the multi-ringed powerhouse floats down to the father and daughter. 

Superboy:  You killed Dean Cain.

Artrip:  Cain tried to have my daughter suckle him.

Jordan:  Doesn’t mean he was a bad guy. . .

With lightning speed, Superboy crushes the skull of Artrip within the Mandalorian armor’s helmet.  Artrip falls and Ella begins to cry.  The youngling knows that not only does she not have the man-breasts of her dad to cradle against, but her opportunity to do so with a real man like Cain is now not afforded to her.  She continues to cry.  WLHJ smiles and a calm sets over Ella.  She passes in her father’s arms. . . and holding onto the hand of Cain.  With Ella and Cain both gone, The Predator shoots through the structure’s roof to the heavens above.

Visitor’s 30 Yard Line. . .

Carla flies with her strapped-on jetpack around the area.   Luke Skywalker feels not only the Force, but Adara- the embodiment of hope flowing through his body.  Carla sees Luke looking at her.  Carla feels “hope” and Luke reaches out toward her.  Carla floats downward and lands next to Skywalker.

Carla: I'm in love with someone else. I don't know his name. I never even met him yet. But I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever. I mean, he is gonna walk into this bar one night... well, not walk, really, more like swagger, you know? Confident, but not cocky... He's okay lookin' but he's no pretty boy. He's a swell dresser. He's got on this... burgundy leather jacket. He's got cherry Life Savers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other. He's tryin' to quit 'em both, but he can't. His nose... it's broken in all the right places. And he's got this scar on his chin that he won't talk about. He cracks his knuckles all the time, it drives me up the wall but what are ya gonna do. He doesn't talk much... doesn't have to. He falls for me. Hard. I hurt him a few times. He gets over it. We get married. So, uh, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.

Luke Skywalker:  That’s nice.

Without hesitation, Skywalker slices her in half.  Carla dies with a smile on her face.

50 Yard Line. . .

The Midgets’ version of the Fantastic Four stands midfield and waits for Hal Jordan Parallax to meet them in combat.   The battle is incredible as multi-colored lights and projectiles spew across the field.  Avarice incarnate, Ophidian, lashes out of Jordan and through Zombie Thing.  The orange colored entities combine and Zombie Thing becomes one with true “greed.”  Zombie Thing lashes out at Black Lantern Human Torch, believing that he should be the combatant who is revered and beloved amongst the Midgets, not BLHT.  BLHT is taken off guard at the antics of Zombie Thing and his ring is ripped off his finger.  BLHT disintegrates into the turf.  Before Zombie Thing can rush at his other teammates, Franklin Richards morphs Zombie Thing at the molecular level so that his head explodes.  Hope Summers comes to the scene and takes advantage of the infighting within the Midgets’ team.  Summers begins to imbibe the powers of Franklin, being that he is one of the most powerful mutants and mimics his powers and abilities.  She lashes out at Black Lantern Invisible Woman and destroys her.   Ophidian manages to return to HJP.

Home Team’s 40 Yard Line. . .

Luke Skywalker uses Carla Tortelli’s jet pack to reach the line.  He is confronted by Superboy.    The Grand Jedi Master and Kryptonian battle to a near standstill.  Hal Jordan Parallax, with Ophidian, storms to the scene and combines his efforts with that of Skywalker (and Adara).  Superboy is destroyed in a savage barrage of the Force, entities and rings.

Home Team’s 20 Yard Line. . .

The Phoenix Force focuses on Hope Summers.  The two knew that this epic match would come down to what transpires between the pair.  Before the Phoenix Force can battle Summers, Jean Grey-Phoenix enters the fray and attempts to harm the cosmic entity.  Although Grey manages to stall the Force, she is unable to stop in and perishes in the attempt.  The Phoenix Force rips into Summers and Summers controls her body from exploding.  What the Phoenix Force failed to calculate was the effects that Franklin Richards’ powers would have on Summers.  As Summers is about to come apart, the augmented abilities of Richards, combined with her own immense powers, manages to encase the Phoenix Force within her body and soul.  She lashes out at Richards, who is engulfed in the combined mutant-cosmic forces.  Richards holds steadfast for only so long before succumbing to his fate. 

Home Team’s 10 Yard Line. . .

Hal Jordan Parallax battles WLHJ.  The two evenly matched combatants fight one another with a renewed vigor and ferocity since they are enhanced with additional powers and abilities due to a multitude of rings or entities.  Ultimately, WLHJ is victorious in battle.  The rings float from HJP’s dead fingers, looking to reach new Horsemen members. 

Home Team’s Endzone. . .

White Lantern Hal Jordan faces Hope Summers, who now has the combined abilities of the Phoenix Force and Franklin Richards.  The tremendous battle that follows cannot be described due to the ferocity and fury of the combatants.  In the end, Hope Summers’ body is repeatedly battered by WLHJ.  The effect of this barrage is that Hope Summers cannot contain the Phoenix Force anymore.  An immense cosmic explosion engulfs the field as Hope Summers, Phoenix Force and WLHJ are all destroyed.  Luke Skywalker looks above.  The Master Jedi lifts his robe’s cowl above his head and he walks through the endzone’s tunnel.

Announcement!

Greeting, friends. Did your season not go exactly as planned? Are you craving more fantasy fantasy action for your team but just missed out on the playoffs?

GOOD NEWS!

It's time once again for the fantasy fantasy consolation rounds!

That's right, the consolation rounds. Once again, my secret cabal of watchers and I will be running these special sets of matches for those owners who don't get to participate in the playoffs.

You may be asking yourself "Will there be prizes for winning these amazing sounding matches?" Of course there will be prizes. "What are they?" Good question, but you'll have to wait to find out, that'd ruin the surprise!

Just like with the playoffs, rosters will be due on Monday May 28th by 11:15 pm (I watch RAW and am usually not checking my email), but you'll be sending the emails to me instead of the Commish.

Make sure you keep checking back here. A little later on this week I'll announce point values, terrain and what you'll be competing for in week one.

Get ready for some crazy action and more shake up and twists then a guy eating a bag of pretzels during an earthquake.

There's no consolation, for how fun these matches are gonna be!

Slaves Vs. Commandos (Nuff Said)

George Washington's Slaves are Head Coach George Washington (w/ a green lightsaber and Gemstone Kryptonite), General Manager William Jefferson Clinton (w/ a green lightsaber), Yoda (w/ a green lantern ring), Martian Manhunter, Zombie Ki Adi Mundi, Shaak Ti (w/ a green lantern ring and an indigo lantern ring), Black Lantern Darkseid, and Zombie Chewbacca.

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana and “To Bad Everybody in America isn't Gay, Cause I Would Win in a Landslide” President Barack Obama's “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are (Kingdom Come) Superman, (Earth 2) Superman, Dora the Explorer (w/ 2 green lightsabers and a jetpack), Benny, Isa, and Tico, Katniss Everdeen (w/ a green lantern ring), Norma Cenva (w/ a green lantern ring), White Lantern Deadman, (movie) Jetfire (w/ an Indigo Lantern Ring), John Adams on a horse, and Thomas Jefferson.


**48 Hours before the match, there was an emergency meeting of The Mount Vernon Jedi Council. This Council consists of: Senior Jedis Yoda and Shaak Ti, as well as Kyle Catarn, Coleman Kcaj, Cade Skywalker, Agen Kolar, Sypho Dyas, Kol Skywalker, Jedi Master #2 and #3, and Jedi Master #1C (who was at one time Jedi Youngling #1). Santa Claus' seat on this High Council has yet to be filled officially, but Shintor Beerus has been sitting in on the meetings, much like he is on this one. “I think we have finally achieved the power we have been attempting to harness Master Yoda”. Shaak Ti says. It was not easy but with the help of the spirit that we know resides within him speaking to us, it was always a worthwhile goal”. Cade Skywalker adds. “Unsure of this task, I am”. Says Yoda. Master Jack (Jedi Master #1C) says: “If the members of this council were willing to use their various lantern powers as well as our force powers, than it is almost certain that we will be successful”. “NO” says Yoda. He finishes: “Discussed this we already have. If this is to be done, than we shall do it by the will of the force alone... Our Lantern Rings we will not use”. With this final statement made by Yoda, the 12 Jedi Masters all focus on the sedated body in front of them. They do their best to link minds with the mind that they believe to still be trapped within the body. As an hour of meditation passes, the trance breaks, and the body they are centered around sits up in a rapid motion. Yoda speaks to it first: “Master Mundi, my old padawan... A zombie are you still”?? Ki Adi Mundi speaks: “Well, my fellow Jedi, it seems that you have cured me of my undead ailment; but I must stress my disappointment in the fact that you have filled my spot on this council”. Shintor Beerus speaks up first: “I assure you Master Mundi, that I am not yet a permanent member, and that I will gladly give up my seat for a man of such a rich history with our humble team. Plus, I am sorry to say that soon enough, there will be plenty of open spots”...



**2 Days later at The Rose Bowl**


Here we are, in Pasadena, California; for what has been described as one of the most anticipated Fantasy Fantasy Matches, in the history of the sport. Two great teams have been assembled by two great teams. George Washington's Slaves are on the brink of not having a post season for the first time in franchise history, while The Commandos are one game away from the coveted “perfect season”. Only one team in FFL History has ever gotten this close to perfection, and that team was Xavier's Annihilation Squad in Season 3, who ended up being stopped in the last week of the year, by none other than The Commandos.

The two squads begin in the two opposing end zones and instantly start running towards one another. There is no place to hide in this battle, and both of these teams are anxious to secure a victory. They have both played characters here today, that their fans are finding questionable; but this here is what Fantasy Fantasy is all about. It has been talked about and debated all week; but we finally see who George Washington's Slaves namesake has decided to let use the unusual form of Kryptonite that the team possesses. George Washington ignites his green lightsaber to prepare and win the day for his team, on his own if need be a grabs the Gemstone Kryptonite that he has on a chain wrapped around his neck. Washington surprisingly tosses the rock to Martian Manhunter. Manhunter has a storied past, fighting for the Slaves ever since year 1. He was an original starter for the team that we haven't seen much of in the last few years. He has been both highly praised and highly criticized for matches he has had in the past; and shockingly has even been accused of not receiving “the proper love” from “certain Watchers” (imagine that). He is also: other than Yoda, the top draft pick left on this team. Yoda was the first ever pick by The Slaves, but Manhunter was #4. In fact the only characters on this Slaves Squad who haven't been on the team since year one are Black Lantern Darkseid and Zombie Chewbacca. The original version of Darkseid was the second round pick of The Horsemen of Apokolips in year one and has probably had more matches going up against Superman than any character in FFL History. The original version of Chewie on the other hand was a first round draft pick in Season 1 as well, by the now defunct Built Ford Tough.

Manhunter catches the Gemstone Kryptonite, as he hears Head Coach Washington say to him: “It's up to you to do this on your own J'onn. We can't spare any help for you, now take this one opportunity to prove your true worth”. With these words, J'onn J'onzz puts the kryptonite around his own neck and rushes in to pick a fight with (Kingdom Come) Superman himself. Arguably the most powerful character on this undefeated Commandos Team, this version of Superman has just recently joined the team after one of the most controversial trades in the history of The FFL. Neither team is truly certain what this version of kryptonite is capable of, but actually it has already been affecting both of the Supermen ever since the beginning of this match. It has made the wishes of the Kryptonians, the wishes of those that they have spoke to as well. This has not had any life-changing effects on the teammates of the two Superman though, because as you can imagine they all already wanted to win this match, just like their Kryptonian allies. So, if anything the Kryptonite has actually helped to slightly enhance the will of The Commandos, not that any of them realize that this is taking place. As Manhunter and Kal El (for now, we will refer to (Kingdom Come Superman as Kal El and (Earth 2 Superman as Kal L) square off with one another, the banter begins: “What is the rock for” Kal El asks of his opponent. “It is to insure that I am stronger than you; not that I need it” J'onzz says in response. Kal El rips the kryptonite off of J'onnz's neck and holds it defiantly in his face to show that it has no effect on him, before he turns and launches it in to the sun. As the two combatants talk smack back in forth, they are punching each other with blows that can single-handedly change the earth's gravitational pull. Kal El swings his heaviest punch yet in the direction of Martian Manhunter but J'onzz is able to duck out of the way in the nick of time. “You may be powerful J'onn, but your strength can't possibly match up with mine” Kal El says to his old friend and Justice League Teammate. “Today I can”. Manhunter says as he trips up Superman and throws him to the ground. J'onn J'onzz then delivers a punch to the face of Superman that sends Manhunter's arm down shoulder deep in to the Rose Bowl Grass, completely crushing the face of Kal El. Jetfire has his orders as well, which are simple. He is to take out the team's coaching staff at all costs. This can't be executed at first, due to the fact that both Washington and Clinton are in to close of range to John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. “You will always be my president”, John Adams says to George Washington, from atop his horse. “More importantly, you will always be MY president, after all it was I whom he appointed to the most coveted cabinet position, immediately after taking office”. Adams retorts: “He didn't need to appoint me to anything, because I was already the Vice-President, and therefore could not hold a cabinet position, just like it does not matter that you wanted a horse for this match, because I was obviously the best choice between the two of us for the job due to my superior riding abilities” (it is true that John Adams was an accomplished rider, who was still horseback riding at age 90). “Nonsense, there is nothing in The Constitution to state that the Vice-President cannot be in the cabinet, and besides I simply didn't want the horse because I did not wish to get my britches dirty“. Says Jefferson. Washington chimes in with: “Well, I sure didn't miss the banter between you two, putting up with being the head coach of 300 plus multi-dimensional characters wasn't quite the headache that my own Vice-President and Secretary of State could cause me on a daily basis”. Slick Willy, the newly appointed General Manager* (*he was formerly the Practice Squad Head Coach, but that position was eliminated under the new administration) attempts to quell the situation by saying: “Hey, I know we are all here to kill each other, but what do you say we go try and find ourselves a couple of black prostitutes to pass the time with? After all, Tommy; I know that we are enemies today, but I am named after you, and besides, we are all presidents here”. “Hmmm, your parents must have been idiots”. Adams says smugly. Luckily for you the reader, this conversation is cut short as Zombie Chewbacca sets his eyes on that delicious looking horse underneath John Adams. The zombie wookie begins eating the flesh of not just John Adams' horse, but of Adams and Jefferson as well. Washington and Clinton back away from their disgusting teammate, which finally gives Jetfire the opening he needs to finish his mission. The old Decepticon does a fly-by and blast them both with some Indigo-powered Cybertronian Weaponry, which is more than enough to take them both out. Although, Washington was actually using himself and Clinton as a bit of a diversion, because there is not one thing about the plan that they did not share with their own field general Yoda before the match. As the field narrows: Benny, Isa, and Tico rush over towards Martian Manhunter in an attempt to avenge their new pal Kal El (despite warnings from Dora to hang back), while Shaak Ti uses her lantern abilities to take to the air after Jetfire. Katniss Everdeen sends an green energy infused arrow in to the head of Zombie Chewbacca to send him back to the graveyard, but Black Lantern Darkseid rips her heart out for a quick snack on his way to do battle with White Lantern Deadman. Kal L and Norma Cenva are both keeping their distance in an attempt to size up Yoda and Ki Adi Mundi, who are returning that mutual respect by hanging back for the moment as well. Black Lantern Darkseid unleashes his omega beams towards Deadman, but Deadman manages to finally unleash the true potential of the White Lantern Ring; which completely wipes this version of Darkseid from this plane of existence. Norma Cenva is attempting to break in to the freshly rejuvenated mind of Ki Adi Mundi; but she is finding it much more difficult than she had originally anticipated. The Jedi Master manages to fight off her mental attacks and does not even break stride as he runs to avenge Black Lantern Darkseid by force-leaping in to the air and driving his lightsaber in to the chest of Deadman. “He may not have always been on the same side as I, but I know what it is like to be “undead”, so thank you for ending the life of our teammate Darkseid, sorry that this is what our only meeting consisted of”. Master Mundi says to the dying Deadman before he turns away to make his mental fight with Norma Cenva a bit more physical. Ki Adi moves quickly towards Norma Cenva, but he finds that her mental attacks are becoming harder and harder to fight off as his proximity to her lessens. It requires all the mental strength he can muster through the force for him to get close enough to throw his lightsaber through the green energy aura (aided by the force of course) of Norma Cenva and in to her chest; but even a Jedi Master of Ki Adi's stature is not able to fight off the full blown mental attack that is unleashed in Cenva's death. This completely fries Master Mundi's brain and sends him to The FFL Graveyard for the second time. Martian Manhunter has been followed all the way back towards the stands by Benny, Isa, and Tico when he makes short work of all three of them. Screams of “NOOOOO” are heard by Dora as Martian Manhunter turns to see his new attacker. Even Shaak Ti and Jetfire; and Yoda and Superman divert their attention for a moment at the sound of the scream. While J'onzz is finishing off Benny (he is the strongest and actually lived through Manhunter's first punch)... Yoda and Superman are just beginning to really begin their fight and are finding it very hard to break through each other's defenses. Shaak Ti on the other hand has gained the upper hand in her air battle with Jetfire. She has used her Indigo ring to, in essence cancel out the Indigo Powers of Jetfire and has landed directly on the back of the Decepticon Jet. Jetfire transforms in to his robot form to fight her off; but not before she manages to drive a wedge into his Cybertronian Metal with her lightsaber. Shaak Ti then uses the power from her green lantern ring to blast a potent bit of energy into the small hole made by her lightsaber which implodes Jetfire from the inside out. This leaves only Superman and Dora left for The Commandos as Shaak Ti flies back down to her fellow Jedi Master Yoda to aid him in his fight. The Slaves were warned to not underestimate any young looking, cute, or smallish characters when battling with The Commandos, in their extensive preparations for the battle against the undefeated squad. They warned them of Katniss Everdeen, Benny, Isa, Tico, Jen Linley, and especially Dora. General Washington made them watch game film after game film of what this little girl was capable of; but she still was just human... Right?? Dora has both of her lightsabers drawn as she rushes towards Martian Manhunter, but the last remaining Martian simply back-hand bats her in to the advertisement-covered stands. Dora hears a loud crack as she hits the wall and realizes that she can't move her left arm. Martian Manhunter, despite the warnings from General Washington is shocked that she lived through that hit, but he was prepared for the unexpected when it came to this one and does not hesitate for a moment to walk over to her and finish the job. Dora pushes herself to her knees and then her feet with her one good arm and says quietly under her breath: Aquello que no me mata me hace fuerte”. Despite having extreme telepathic powers, J'onnz still is not above not completely hearing something that a person speaks audibly; which is what prompts him to say: “What did you say little girl? I feel that after a career such as yours; your last words should be immortalized”. In English, that translates to: ““That which does not kill me makes me stronger”... And people have tried to kill me … many... MANY TIMES”!! With these words, Dora flips her jetpack off of her back with her one good arm and then kicks her lightsaber off of the ground in to her hand. She opens the saber and uses it to cut the fuel cell on her jetpack which ignites an immense flame and sends it directly in to the face of J'onn J'onnz. Dora spins to take cover as she throws the perfectly aimed lightsaber into the face of J'onnz and says “Thanks again for the lightsaber Boots, I think that was its last hurrah”. Dora's clothes are charred and her skin covered in ash as she walks over to the flag pole and slams her shoulder into it to put it back into socket and then picks up her only remaining lightsaber. Dora's backpack with Map are now completely charred and gone, as are her boots and saber that once belonged to her best friend and Monkey Companion. She has seen her last friends Benny, Isa, and Tico murdered before her eyes today and she is writhing in pain. Any one of these things should be more than enough to make a little girl stop running towards this match's last remaining skirmish and stop and cry. But Dora knows as well as those reading this match that there aren't any little girls here. Just one Fantasy Fantasy Soldier... And she's got a God Damn match to win. Dora knows that as she hits the ground running that her teammate Superman is currently outnumbered two to one by two of the most powerful and accomplished Jedis in the history of the force. She wishes she had her jetpack still so she could get there quicker, but the truth is she never much cared for that jetpack. After all, she is an explorer and she belongs on her feet. Superman is doing his best to hold off both Yoda and Shaak Ti by himself but this is proving extremely difficult even for The Man of Steel with the powers of their three lantern rings combining with their exceptional force skills. Kal L shoots a thick beam of Heat Vision towards Shaak Ti who blocks it with her lightsaber, but this leaves Superman open for an attack from Yoda. Yoda is rushing towards Superman with his lightsaber at the ready when he is drop-kicked by Dora a split second before he drives his saber into Superman's back. Superman kicks Yoda out of the way, before he can retaliate towards Dora; but when he turns his attention away from his last remaining teammate for a split second, he doesn't see Shaak Ti approaching. “That's another one I owe you Dora” Says Superman as he turns to see his team's Year 1, Round 67 pick with a lightsaber protruding from her chest. Superman does not hesitate for a second or pay any mind to the single tear dripping down his Kryptonian Face as he grabs Dora's killer and breaks Shaak Ti's back in one fluid motion. Superman turns around at the speed of light, but as he does a small green creature's feet land on chest while a green energy coated lightsaber is driven in to his neck. “Destroyed your perfect season is” says Yoda as he makes...

Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

Team Sleeping Pussy is Obi Wan Kenobi's spirit, The Crimebusters: Dr. Manhattan, Ozymandias, Nite Owl II, Silk Spectre II, Capt. Metropolis, The Comedian, and Rorshach, The Minutemen: The Comedian, Nite Owl, Silk Spectre, Capt. Metropolis, Hooded Justice, Dollar Bill, and The Silhouette, Nightrider and his gang: Johnny the Boy, Toe-cutter, Bubba, Mudguts, and Cundalini, and The Warriors: Cleon, Swan, Ajax, Fox, Rembrandt, Cochise, Vermin, Snow, and Cowboy.

Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are Mother Mae Eye, Vampire Starfire, White Lantern Batman, Robin (Dick Grayson) on a Ducatti, Meta-Knight, Cinderblock, Dark Supergirl, Green Goblin (Harry Osborne), Red X, Knives Chow (w/ a Demon Rod and a Star Sapphire Ring), and Doozer #7.


Welcome to The Battle of The Felines!! Right here in Tiger Stadium (sweet irony)!!

The Detroit Tigers may be World Series Champions, but you would never know that they won several of those games right here in this stadium by the way it looks here today. The entire stadium has been converted to a Moto-Rally Dirt Oval. Night Rider and his gang warm up on their cycles, while the much smaller Layander's Squad enters the battle right behind the home plate that Kirk Gibson and Allan Trammell stood by just last week.

The Spirit of Obi Wan Kenobi is deep in conversation with Dr. Manhattan when he says: “We seem to have the Kitties beat when it comes to raw power; but they didn't pull out any stops when it comes to brawlers. I sure wish I had my old body back so I could help out our boys a bit more directly”. Dr. Manhattan replies: “Your logic is full of holes Master Jedi. As I look back upon your past, I see that your final words with a physical body were: “If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine”. Is this form not the power that you desired”. “You are very correct Dr. From the point of view of the force. But, you of all people must know that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. This form was exactly the power I required to help out Luke and to keep the light of the Jedi alive in the universe; but I, unlike you do not have the power to go back and forth from the physical to the non-physical planes. And right now, it sure would be nice to be able to ignite a lightsaber and jump in to the fray”. Says Obi Wan. Dr. Manhattan reflects on this for a fraction of a second and says: “I now clearly see the basis for your logic, and how it could help our team”. Dr. Manhattan then teleports himself up in to the stands of Tiger Stadium before Obi Wan even realizes that the good doctor has returned the Jedi to his physical state, complete with a blue lightsaber. Obi Wan smiles as he feels his the metal in his hands. He then ignites his lightsaber and joins the battle that is about to begin. Red X has jumped on the back of Robin's Ducatti as Robin rushes in headlong to the moto-rally already in progress. Red X jumps off the back of Robin's motorcycle and on to the back of Bubba's: “This one looks nice”. Red X says in his disguised voice, as he slices the throat of Bubba and throws him off of his own motorcycle. Robin cringes a bit a he sees this vicious display which causes Red X to snicker at his teammate and say: “Sorry kid, I wasn't trained by Batman and I'm not afraid to use my weapons for what they were designed for”. Robin turns away from Red X as they both hit the throttles on their bikes. They then ride up beside Mudguts and Cundalini and knock them off of their cycles as well. The two of them work well together as they both circle back and run over the other one's victim. As this continues Cleon and The Warriors laugh about how much goo squirted out of Doozer #7 as they stepped on him; but Mother Mae Eye does not approve of their actions. She waves her hand creating several pink pies out of the air and then throws them in to the faces of the young men. Her mind control powers begin to leak out of the pies and in to their minds as she tells them that they are “very bad”. They begin to take off their leather jackets and holey jeans and put on fresh slacks and button down shirts. Vermin whines about the freshly ironed shirts, but she scolds him and tells them that they must act like “proper gentlemen” if they are going to live with Mother and have any more pie. “Yes Mother”. The Warriors all reply in unison. The Warriors then sit down in the stands and begin reading books such as Harry Potter and The Sorceror's Stone, The Cat in the Hat, and The Bearenstein Bears Christmas Spectacular. Dark Supergirl and Green Goblin are flying above this disaster as Supergirl turns to the goblin and says: “We've had enough of this right”? The Goblin nods as they fly down and start ripping apart the helpless Warriors. Mother Mae Eye begins to yell: “But they were just getting to finally be respectful young men”!! But all she can do is watch her two teammates rip them apart and pumpkin bomb the hell out them. As the The Warriors lie there dead, Mother Mae Eye looks at The Green Goblin and says: “Now Harry, before you kill any more of our opponents you need a good meal and some nice clothes”. The Goblin then puts on a adorable green Halloween Costume, while Dark Supergirl shakes her head and flies away before she vomits from this ridiculous situation. As Dark Supergirl is confronted with the newly body rejuvenated Obi Wan Kenobi, along with Ozymandias, Rorschach, both Nite Owls and both Silk Spectres, deep in the outfield. Dr. Manhattan has decided that even the man who is above all emotion (himself) is now officially annoyed by Mother Mae Eye's sorcery. He snaps his finger and turns both the voodoo stepmom and The Green Goblin into dust. White Lantern Batman then flies over to Dr. Manhattan and begins a peaceful conversation that we will return to in time. Back in the moto-rally pit, Nightrider has thrown a chain around the neck of Red X; which not only pulled him off of his motorcycle, but broke his neck in the process; but not before Red X and Robin were able to execute their signature move once more to take the lives of Johnny the Boy and Toe-cutter. Nightrider then crashes his much larger bike into Robin's which brings them both off of the cycles and on to the ground. They get up and size each other up, which causes Nightrider to think he has the major advantage over Robin due to his size and assumed experience based on apparent age. But there was only one of these two competitors here who was trained in hand to hand combat by Batman, and it wasn't Nightrider. Robin jumps in to action and feels like he recognizes the biker from one of Batgirl's National Enquirer's. Robin knocks the gun out of the hands of Nightrider and then knocks him on to the ground. Robin lets loose and begins pounding the face in of Nightrider. He screams: “I recognize you now Gibson”!! Robin shouts inbetween punches: “This is for the Super-Kitties, this is for Red X, this is for everybody that watched “What Women Want”, and this IS FOR THE JEWS”. Robin then walks away from the bloodied body of Nightrider and jumps on to Toe-Cutter's bike simply because it looked like the most functional one. Robin then ignores a radio call from Batman that tells him that that was not Mel Gibson, it was the guy that fights Mel Gibson in that movie. “Like I know who any actors are”. Robin mutters under his breath as he drives away. Hooded Justice, Dollar Bill, and The Silhouette all manage to work together and take down the much larger Cinderblock through a series of quick moves and acrobatics. Cinderblock ends up on the ground, flat on his back which allows Hooded Justice to deliver a massive blow to his face which cracks the cement creature and finishes him off. Knives Chow, decides to avenge Oriental Females all across the globe by using her Star Sapphire Ring to rip both versions of The Comedian to shreds. She then throws her Demon Rod in to the face of the young Capt. Metropolis and delivers a Star Sapphire power-coated karate kick to the face of the older version of the same character. Her reign of terror (and FFL Career) does not come to an end until Rorshach diverts his attention from his battle with Dark Supergirl for a moment to fire his grappling hook into her face (R.I.P. Knives). While Supergirl's battle of outnumbered vs. outclassed rages on; Meta-Knight is joined by Robin to take on The Silhouette, Dollar Bill, and Hooded Justice. Meta-Knight slashes through both Hooded Justice and Dollar Bill with his sword; but is hit with a neck-breaking kick to the head from The Silhouette. Robin manages to take advantage of The Silhouette's triumph and delivers a birdarang to her throat. Dr. Manhattan and White Lantern Batman are discussing (and disagreeing) how this match will inevitably play out, when Manhattan says the following: “I can see into your past and into the past of the ring you wear and I know that you are a good fit. I know that you have taken a vow against killing and that your ring would not allow you to kill me even if you desired to break said vow. I even plan to test this theory of mine by doing the following”. Dr. Manhattan snaps his finger (for added effect) and blows up Robin, who is on the other side of the stadium just to see what reaction Batman would have to it. Batman does not bite at all and says: “You are very right Dr. In fact, I don't believe that even without those perimeters that I have placed on myself and that have been placed on me by this ring, that I am strong enough to defeat you. You see, I don't have any powers, and in fact, I am not really even a super-hero. I am at best, nothing more than “The World's Greatest Detective”. My abilities lie in being able to trick people in to defeating themselves, or simply figuring out a way to defeat an opponent. But I know that you and I both know full-well that my ideals and this ring will never allow me to kill you. In fact the only thing I have noticed that this ring could really do to you is put you in to a semi-solid state for nothing more than a matter of seconds. Which does nothing for me, because as we have discussed... I can't kill you”. Dr. Manhattan looks at Batman and says: “A curious rant. I can tell that you have something more on your mind but you have learned enough mind control techniques that I admit you have even confused me regarding your complete plan; but I do agree and know full well that you can't possibly kill me”. Batman retorts: “Again, you are correct about myself and this ring not being able to kill anybody; but I would like to introduce you to my friend Vampire Starfire... And she kills people all the time”. With these final words ending their conversation. Batman manipulates the white ring to solidify Dr. Manhattan for a few seconds while Vampire Starfire flies in at top speed and rips open his neck with her teeth. Manhattan dies but the radiation emitted from the nuclear powerhouse takes both Batman and Starfire with him, due to their close prozimity. Dark Supergirl has managed to break the necks of both of the Nite Owls and then scorched the life out of both of the Silk Spectres with her heat vision. Ozymandias and Obi Wan rush towards Dark Supergirl in unison, knowing that they are going to need to work together if they are going to have any chance at defeating the Kryptonian. Rorshach then jumps on to the ground and does a barrel roll, which only just slightly cause Supergirl to jump in an effort to evade it. Ozymandias and Kenobi use this split second to execute their kill shots. Ozymandias plants a perfectly placed kick to the throat, that is strong enough to knock down a reinforced brick wall while Kenobi brings his lightsaber down directly into her eye. Both combatants see Dark Supergirl's body go limp as they notice that her two hands are already wrapped around their necks. They hear their own vertebrae crack, but their minds have already processed that...
TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!!