"Commando's Press Release"

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I know that everyone in this league is used to hearing from President Obama when it comes to the "Commando's". He gives off a warm feeling of hope and togetherness that I happen to not fall in line with. When I was brought onto to this team, I was told it was to bring a sense of "Toughness" to the Commandos. I was brought here to make this team the pride of the NL and what do I get in return, possibly the most embarrassing performance in the history of this league. I don't care if TEAM are the defending champs and I also don't care what are record is. All I keep hearing around team headquarters is how we are still 3-1 and in first place. My only response to this is that "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commando's are the worst 3-1 team in the history of this league.

Now our head coach did not want me to broadcast this around the league and he most definitely did not want me to name names, but in order for me to make some changes around here, I am going to have to go against his wishes. First things first, our number one draft pick for 2009 was Rodimus Prime. Barack and I did not exactly see eye to eye on this pick but I trusted his judgement. We decided to give him some time to get used to the team by letting him sit the beginning of the season. We thought this would give him time to train and prepare for the upcoming season. Instead it made him soft. In his first match ever, he loses to an opponent that he has defeated once in his past. It was a disgraceful first match for a number one draft pick, one that I will not soon let him forget.

It is obvious to me that we just were not in the mood to fight this past week and no one on the team showed that more than Paralax, Willow Rosenberg and Luna Lovegood. The three of you did not even try. All three of you died without a fight. I have seen good things from Paralax so far this season, but evidently you decided not to show for this match. Ms. Rosenberg, I have heard that you are a great witch, one with the ability to fly and heal others. To me it looked like you are good at one thing: Dying. Ms. Lovegood, you may be young, but that is no excuse for your lack of effort.

Bashar Miles Tieg: Your Ghola proved that you are not useless, I wish I could say the same for you. The same goes for Paul Atreides Ghola and Judah Ben Hur. I had heard the best place for you was in the desert, in my opinion, the best for the both you is on the bench. I would like to say thanks to Dr. Grant and Bryan Beckerman though: Thanks for wasting two of our vehicles this week.

Black Adam: Though I appreciate your effort this week, if you ever talk back to Albus again, I will kill you myself.

I think it is sad that the only person on this team I am proud of this week is a teenage witch. Ginny Weasley showed courage this week by taking on three Transformers at the same time. Though she did not win this fight, she showed everyone that she will never back down to anyone. That is the sort of attitude I am looking for and instead of benching those who failed me this week, I instead will show them how it is done. I will join my team in space this week against the very dangerous "Xavier's Annihilation Squad". We are going to need the best effort out of everyone if we are to even have a chance at victory this week.

President Obama's era of soft peddling the "Commando's" is over. It is time someone with some actual experience with true power takes control.

-Dr. Victor von Doom

Week Four Standings

Week 5: Deathmatch

Setting: The Milky Way
Points: 1200
Prize: Batman Week

-Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. The Right Wing (for the Bat-boat)
-Built Ford Tough Vs. TEAM (for the Bat-wing)
-Better Than All of You Vs. The Abomitrons (for Golden Age Bat-mobile)
-The Untouchables Vs. Alice's Wonder Team (for Bat Girl's Motorcycle)
-Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. The Horsemen of Apokolips (for the Bat-cycle)
-Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennellz of Lurve (for Robin's motorcycle)
-George Washington's Slaves Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies (for the Bat-copter)
-Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad (for Silver Age Bat-mobile)
-The Syracuse Valley Vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (for Modern Age Bat-mobile)

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Better Than All of You

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are Mr. Mxyzptlk, Magneto, Mighty Mouse, Katma Tui, Pythona, Thundercracker, Stilgar, Aurra Sing, Fremen #52-56, Duncan Idaho, Aayla Secura & Jedi Padawan #35, X-23, Velociraptor #21-23, Beachcomber, Rogue, Smart Grimlock, &Alia Atreides (little girl version) & Nightsister Sith Witch in a land speeder.

Better Than All of You is Thanos, Green Lantern, Gandalf the White, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Doc Holiday, Beachhead, Tomax & Xamot, John Rambo, Ghost Rider, The Terminator (from T-1), The Terminator (from T-2), The Four Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, & Tully Blanchard, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, RVD & Sabu, Triple H, Mephisto, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Lex Luthor, Head Coach Cobra Commander, Gray Hulk, Black Suit Spider Man, Nick Fury, David Dunn, Loki & Bartleby, & Cobra Viper #1.

“I crush you as I would a fly. I kill you and I watch you die. Destroying all I find offending, devastation never ending,” sings Oderus Urungus as Better Than All of You sets their sights on fellow Nick Houslander Division team, The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets. The two Terminators are then ripped apart and turned into flying projectiles of death and they rip through The Sexicutioner, Tomax, Zamot, Cobra Viper #1 and Sleazy P. Martini. Magneto, the cause of this destruction, then flies into the air and pushes Head Coach Cobra Commander’s metal mask through his head, in an utterly disgusting fashion. Then there is a sonic boom overhead as Thundercracker screeches in and launches two drone cruise missiles that lock on and blow up Loki, Bartleby and Flattus Maximus. Green Lantern then shoots up into the sky after the Decepticon. He creates a green energy F-22 Raptor and engages Thundercracker. Several more sonic booms are heard as Green Lantern and Thundercracker both break the sound barrier. Hal Jordan locks on and fires green energy at Thundercracker. He then accelerates and finishes off the Decepticon jet. John Rambo, Beachhead, David Dunn and Doc Holiday are ambushed by the Stilgar led Fremen. The Fremen all pull their crysknife from their sheaths and attack in unison. Doc Holiday is the first to fall but not before he takes Fremen #55 with him. John Rambo squares off against Stilgar and even though he’s unaccustomed to Arrakis’s climate, he puts up a very good fight. But in the end it’s Stilgar’s experience that tips the scales. Well that and the fact that the really creepy little girl, Alia Atriedes, snuck up from behind and slit his throat. David Dunn proves to be harder to kill than originally thought, but he finally bleeds out after about three dozen crysknife stab wounds. Beachhead doesn’t go down without a fight, and shoots Fremen #52 and 56 before falling to the numbers game. Mr. Mxyzptlk then, because he feels it would be fun to watch, creates a big wrestling ring in the middle of the desert, right where the Fremen were standing. All of the wrestlers from Better Than All of You jump into the ring and start attacking the Fremen. Fremen #53 and 54 guts ole Anderson and Tully Blanchard, as The Rock give a Rock Bottom to Stilgar. Rob Van Dam then gives Stilgar a Five Star Frog Splash off the top rope. However, RVD grabs his stomach and writhes in pain. Stilgar was able to get his crysknife up in time and stuck it deep into RVD as he crashed down on top of him. Mephisto then shows up and uses his demonic magic to remove the wrestling ring, allowing the combatants to fight on the appropriate battlefield. “Oh no fair! You’re not any fun!” shout Mr. Mxyzptlk. Mephisto fires a blast of magic at the Fifth Dimension imp, but he disappears. Triple H then swings his trusty sledgehammer at Fremen #53, but Alia Atriedes stabs him in his left quadriceps. This brings Hunter down to his knees, allowing Alia to finish him off. (Seriously, this girl is creeping me out.) The Nightsister Sith Witch zips by in the land speeder, only to slow down for Alia to jump in, before they take back off. Mighty Mouse and Duncan Idaho run in and give some help to the Fremen. Duncan stabs Arn Anderson right in the heart, but is then chop blocked by Ric Flair. “Wooooo! Oh I feel good! It’s just like Bash at the Beach!” shouts the sixteen time World Champion. He then slaps a figure four-leg lock on Duncan. The Swordmaster of the Ginaz though, in terrible pain, reaches forward and slits Flair’s throat. Mighty Mouse simply flies into Sabu’s right ear and out his left. Stilgar and Fremen #53 and 54 now surround the Rock and Stone Cold. Stone Cold stares right at Stilgar and flips him off as The Rock motions at the Fremen to “just bring it.” And well, that’s exactly what they do as the sands of Arrakis is watered with the blood of the two WWE legends. Ghost Rider, hauls ass on his motorcycle, and whips his hellfire chain at the land speeder and wraps it around the rear turbine of the landspeeder. He yanks back on it and brings it to a halt. Snake Eyes leaps into the cockpit of the landspeeder and eviscerates the Nightsister Sith Witch. Alia Atreides is about to stab Snake Eyes in the back, but gets a shuriken in the face, courtesy of Storm Shadow. Aurra Sing, perched high up on a cliff, takes aim with her Fallann Hyper-Rifle and picks off Oderus Urungus. With their leader now dead, GWAR goes completely unhinged and rushes into battle. However, they bite off a little more than they can chew. Smart Grimlock stomps in and snaps down eating Beefcake the Mighty. He then transforms and blasts Jizmack da Gusha and Balsac the Jaws of Death with his double-barreled rocket launcher. Slymenstra Hymen is then crushed beneath Grimlock’s massive foot. Black Suit Spider-Man swings in and snares Beachcomber with his webbing, which allows Grey Hulk to leap in and smash his way to the Autobot’s spark. Nick Fury then finds himself surrounded by three Velociraptors. One pump fakes as another lungs at him. However Colonel Fury spins around and takes out all three of them with his MAC-10. Aayla Secura and her Jedi Padawan are then are attacked by Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. The two ninjas give the Jedi a harder fight than they expected. Snake Eyes is able to run his kitana through Jedi Padawan #35’s chest, but Aayla Secura is able to best the ninjas in the end. Gandalf the White then enters the fray and hits Stilgar and the two Fremen with a blast of magic that disintegrates them. He then has his staff kicked out of his hands by Pythona. She slashes at his chest with her sharp nails. Gandalf pulls out Glamdring as cuts down the Cobra-La native. Thanos surveys the battlefield and decides it time for him to make an impact. He motions at Katma Tui with the Infinity Gauntlet and wipes her from existence. “Yoink,” Mr. Mxyzptlk says as he reappears out of nowhere and steals the Infinity Gauntlet. “Imp, you will rue the day you messed with Better Than All of You!” exclaims Thanos. Mxyzptlk disappears again. Magneto spots Ghost Rider and crushes his bike with his magnetism and then wraps it around the Spirit of Vengeance. Mephisto teleports up to the cliff where Aurra Sing and blasts her with his dark magic. Magneto spots this and launches X-23 right at Mephisto. The combination of X-23’s adamantium and Mephisto’s magic kills both combatants. Duncan Idaho’s life is then cut short by what can only be described as grievous head wound courtesy of Lex Luthor’s power suit. “Sugah, you really shouldn’t have done that,” says Rogue as she flies in and uppercuts Luthor. She grabs a hold of him and shoots high up into the air. Lex uses his suit to blast free of Rogue’s grip and hits her with an uppercut of his own. But Magneto flies up into the air and saves his one time lover by crushing Lex with his own suit. “Pathetic homo sapien,” says Magneto. Mighty Mouse zips quickly through the air, and is spotted by Grey Hulk. He snatches the super rodent out of the air and tosses him into his mouth as if he was an M&M. Mighty Mouse tries to keep Grey Hulk’s mouth open, but if just overpowered and eaten. Grey Hulk then lets out a loud burp. (Because just like in the movies, when that happens, it means that the person died. You listening Boba Fett??) Aayla Secura, Smart Grimlock, Rogue, and Magneto form up for their final push. But Better Than All of You isn’t out of it yet. Thanos, Grey Hulk, Black Suit Spider-Man, Colonel Nick Fury, Green Lantern and Gandalf the White regroup as well. Hal Jordan targets the big Dinobot first and fires a massive arc of green energy right at his face. Smart or not, the power from Green Lantern is too much to withstand. Magneto, however, doesn’t hesitate and before Smart Grimlock’s body hits the ground the launches it at Better Than All of you, crushing Nick Fury and Spider-Man. Aalya Secura is then attacked by Grey Hulk, but gets some help from Rogue. As Rogue lays lefts and rights on Banner, Aalya Secura comes up and plunges her lightsaber into his stomach. Thanos sets his eyes on Magneto, but is blindsided by Mr. Mxyzptlk who has reappeared and blasted him with some Fifth Dimension magic. “Imp, I told you would pay,” growls Thanos. “No Thanny, you said I would rude the day…or something like that,” Mxyzptlk quips back. Thanos is about to fire a huge energy blast when Mr. Mxyzptlk turns him into an action figure. “Sweet. This is going to fetch me a mint on E-Bay!” exclaims the Imp. Gandalf quickly retaliates and blasts Mxyzptlk with an enormous amount of magic and disintegrates him. Once again, Hal Jordan finds himself as one of the last members of Better Than All of You still alive. “Ok Gandalf. I’ve been here before, and I’ve seen a lot of good friend fall in this situations,” Hal gravely says to the White Wizard. “Not to worry Hal. If it’s our time then it’s our time. But make no mistake, when it is time, you will have seat on the boat to the Undying Lands,” Gandalf reassures Green Lantern. They both then charge like Paul Newman and Robert Redford do at the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Unfortunately it ends the same way.

THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS!

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs The Abomitrons

Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are Krayt Dragon #1 & 2, Darth Vader, Darth Talon, Red Hulk, Wolverine, Doomsday, King Hiss, Dark Phoenix, Holocaust, Orion, Magog, Arkillo, Double Cross, Fangry & Briscoe, Fly Wheels, Vehicle Voltron, Triggerhappy & Blowpipe, and Slugslinger & Caliburst.

The Abomitrons are Cerberus, Hancock, Blade, Iron Man, Cyborg Superman, Abin Sur, Ben 10 Alien Force, Sgt. Mike Shinsky, Ax-battler, Tyris Flare, Gilius Thunderhead, The Crew of Serenity, Commander Cody, Capt. Rex, Elite Clone Trooper #21-30, Stryfe, Horri-Bull & Kreb, Capt. America, Bucky, Nomad, Baby Bucky, Kirby, Rotta the Hutt, & Jedi Knight #36-38.

Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches arrive on Arrakis hungry and ready for a fight. “I will not tolerate anymore of this team’s insolence. There is no reason for our current record. Do not leave this planet today without victory,” Darth Vader says to his eager crew of killers. Red Hulk and Doomsday both take off, charging right towards The Abomitrons. Doomsday then leaps high into the air, and crashes into Serenity. The ship takes a hard turn down and crashes into the sand with a horrible explosion. Doomsday slowly walks out unscathed and with blood dripping off of his body. “Heh. Nice one. Now watch this,” says Rulk. He charges in and goes after the Elite Clonetroopers. Rulk stomps Elite Clonetrooper #30 into the sand and crushes #24 in his massive hands. He’s then knocked a few hundred feet by a wicked punch courtesy of Hancock. He then flies right up to Rulk and kicks him as hard as he can in the crotch, which sends Rulk high into the air. Hancock flies up after him, but Rulk wraps him in a bear hug. They start falling back down to the ground. Hancock manages to get one arm free and as Rulk is maniacally laughing, he shoves his hand down Rulk’s throat and rips out his lungs. Hancock then lets Rulk’s body crash into the sand and he flies away, but not before discarding the lungs. “Damn, Hancock. Was that really necessary?” asks Nomad through The Abomitrons Starktech Comlinks. “Well it worked. Didn’t it?” replies Hancock. Then the trio of Iron Man, Cyborg Superman and Abin Sur take to the skies and engage the Backyardigans. Darth Vader sees this vain attempt and sends Vehicle Voltron, and all of the team’s Transformers to dispatch of the airborne Abomitrons. Fangry flies ahead of the rest of the robots, ignoring the orders given to them by Lord Vader. Abin Sur then creates a giant green ax with his power ring and drives it betwixt Fangry’s head. Slugslinger and Triggerhappy along with their Targetmasters, Caliburst and Blowpipe, then start zipping through the air, firing wildly at their opponents. Cyborg Superman and Iron Man both evade the oncoming gunfire with amazing grace and ease. And in a flurry of repulsor rays and heat vision, they destroy the two Decepticon jets and their Targetmasters. Flywheels is busy arguing to himself, due to his horrible split personality and is shot down by the Commander Cody and Captain Rex led Elite Clonetroopers. Doublecross then breathes a double blast of fusion-powered fire from both of his heads at Iron Man. Abin Sur manages to throw up a green energy wall in front of Iron Man. Cyborg Superman then flies up behind the Autobot monster and rips one of his heads off. He then yanks out Doublecross’s spark. Iron Man, Cyborg Superman and Abin Sur then regroup to face the massive Voltron of the Near Universe. Iron Man uses his Starktech to scan Vehicle Voltron and determine the correct course of action. “Don’t worry Tony, I’ve got this one,” calmly states Cyborg Superman. He then takes control of Vehicle Voltron, regardless of how hard its pilots resists and try to fight back. He then manipulates Voltron and makes it rips itself apart. “Enough! This must end now!” bellows an enraged Darth Vader. Orion and Arkillo both fly up and attack the three Abomitrons. Arkillo doesn’t hesitate and creates at yellow spear and thrusts it into Abin Sur. Iron Man and Orion are engaged in a fast paced dogfight. Iron Man zips through the air, firing his repulsor rays at Orion, but Orion deflects them with an Astro Force energy shield. Orion blast Iron Man with the Astro Force, which is just simply too much for Iron Man’s armor to defend. Back on the ground, Captain America has taken the squad of Bucky, Nomad, Baby Bucky, Stryfe, Sgt. Mike Shinsky, Ax Battler, Tyris Flare, Gilius Thunderhead, and Jedi Knight #36 up onto a rock formation. “Ok men, we’ve got this team up against the wall. Now lets finish it,” Captain America says to his teammates. “Ha! Let’s see you try!” exclaims Magog, who hears Cap’s inspiring words. He, then along with Holocaust and King Hiss, attacks. Magog fires a blast from his trident and blows a hole through Bucky. “This time. STAY DEAD!” shouts Magog. King Hiss is then jumped by all three Golden Axe characters and is hacked to pieces before he can conjure any magic. Holocaust drains the life from Nomad and Baby Bucky, and then blows Sgt. Mike Shinsky away with an energy blast. Magog tries to blast Captain America, but he blocks it with his shield. Jedi Knight #36 leaps in and cuts Magog’s trident in half with his lightsaber. Holocaust then helps his teammate by blasting Jedi Knight #36 in the back. Captain America throws his shield, which knocks Magog down and hits Holocaust in the back of the head. Cap grabs the shield out of the air and in mid jump. He then brings it crashing down on to Holocaust’s protective helmet/armor. He shatters the armor, and then brings it down again, connecting with Holocaust’s skull. Stryfe picks Magog up with his telekinesis and look puzzled. “You look very familiar. Do I know you? Nevermind,” says Stryfe as he uses his telekinesis to shut Magog’s brain down. Wolverine then leaps down off of a cliff that he was perched upon. He drives his claws deep into Ax Battler and then cuts Tyris Flare’s sword in half. She is about to cast one of her fire magic spells, when Wolverine sticks his claws right up under her chin. Gilius then charges Logan and knocks him down. The two short hairy fighters then square off. Gilius swings his mighty ax and drives it into Wolverine’s abdomen. Wolverine then grabs the dwarf by the beard and stabs him in the chest with his claws. He pulls the ax out of his side and crumple in the sand, allowing his healing factor begin working. Commander Cody and Captain Rex lead the Elite Clonetroopers against Darth Vader and Darth Talon. They are simply out matches against the two Sith Lords. Every last one of the Elite Clonetroopers falls quickly to Darth Talon and Darth Vader. Lord Vader then uses the Force to grab a hold of Captain Rex. “You used to be such a valuable asset to me Rex,” says Vader. He then Force chokes him and throws him to the ground. Vader’s new apprentice then strikes down Commander Cody. Krayt Dragons #1 and 2 come in and attack the Ben 10 Alien Force, but actually to little avail. Ben turns into Humongousaur and eats Krayt Dragon #1. Gwen then fires beams from her eyes at Krayt Dragon #2, while Kevin turns into solid rock and rams into the side of the dragon. Gwen then creates a large energy construct meat cleaver and cuts the Krayt Dragon #2’s head off. Dark Phoenix finally enters the fray and instantly makes an impact. She vaporizes Rotta the Hutt, Jedi Knights #37 and 38. She then takes off up in the air after Cyborg Superman and Hancock. Cyborg Superman is the first to attack, and tries everything he can, but she just turns him into crystal. The now crystallized Hank Henshaw falls from the sky and shatters on impact. “Aww, what the hell. Bring it on woman!” yells Hancock. He flies straight at the cosmic powerhouse and actually connects with a right cross. She then fires back and sends him sailing into the sand below. Everyone in the battle pauses for a second in awe as Hancock gets back up and shakes the sand off. “Damn woman,” grumbles Hancock. He then prevented from going back after Dark Phoenix as Doomsday charges in and spear tackles Hancock. Arkillo flies down and attacks Horri-Bull. The Decepticon Headmaster wildly fires his flamethrower and concussion blaster at the Sinestro Corp member. Arkillo dodges this wild attack and uses his yellow power ring to blast several holes into the Transformer. Cerberus then knocks him to the ground as Blade flips in and cuts the arm off of the carnivore. Cerberus finishes him off be ripping open his torso and devouring his entrails. Doomsday and Hancock are going blow for blow, slamming each other in the sand, causing a huge dust cloud. Doomsday kicks Hancock down and leaps on top of him. He starts pounding his fist into Hancock chest. He finally kills Hancock and lets out a mighty roar. Orion fires his Astro Force at Captain America’s back but Kirby jumps in and swallows all of the blast. Kirby then fires the Astro Force right back at Orion, which stuns the son of Darkseid badly. Cap then leaps in with Kirby in hand and has Kirby fire the Astro Force at point blank range, killing Orion. The team of Darth Vader, Darth Talon, Doomsday, Dark Phoenix and a rejuvenated Wolverine now face off against Blade, Cerberus, Captain America, Kirby, Stryfe and the Ben 10 crew. Darth Talon goes after the Ben 10 crew and cuts Kevin in half. Ben transforms into Brainstorm and creates a force field around Gwen and him. The Sith Twi’lek slashes at the force field with her lightsaber as Wolverine goes after Kirby. He quickly cuts the pink ball in to a dozen pieces. Logan then stares down Stryfe. He lunges at him, but is caught in mid air by Stryfe’s telekinesis. Doomsday leaps in and smashes Stryfe into the ground, which cause Wolverine to drop to the sand. Dark Phoenix flies in and without a second though blasts through Ben/Brainstorm’s force field and incinerates the two Abomitrons kids. Blade and Captain America then move in to double team Darth Vader. Blade throws a glave at Vader, who uses the Force to redirect it back at Blade and into his shoulder. Blade drops to one knee as Vader relieves him of his head in one quick swipe of his lightsaber. He then uses the Force to throw Blade’s body at Captain America. Lord Vader jumps at Cap, but Cap leaps up and smashes his shield into Vader’s chest piece. It starts sparking badly, which Captain America capitalizes on. He slams his shield down on to Vader’s helmet, killing the Sith Lord. But just before the shield connects, Vader in a last ditch effort, uses the Force to throw his lightsaber into Cap’s abdomen. Darth Talon comes in behind him and thrusts her lightsaber into his back. “That was for my master,” grows Darth Talon. Cerberus is now the final member of the Abomitrons that still stands. The three-headed dog doesn’t hesitate and charges Doomsday. He knocks the monster down and his middle head snaps at Doomsday. But Doomsday grabs a hold of Cerberus’s jaw and literally rips it off. Dark Phoenix then comes in and obliterates the rest of Cerberus with a blast of cosmic energy.

BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGANS BEEYAATCHES ARE VICTORIOUS!

The Untouchables vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

THE FOLLOWING MATCH IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

PREVIOUSLY IN THE FFL. . .

UNTOUCHABLES - SHE-HULK

She-Hulk: I still cannot believe that I was traded by the Horsemen!

Stampa: Don’t complain! Now you’re on a real team. . . with real women!

Granny Goodness: That’s right my dear. I have trained you all well.

KENNELZ – AHSOKA TANO

Tano: I will make you proud today, Master.

Anakin Skywalker: You always make me proud, Snips. Just make sure you keep your head in the match. [Foreshadowing].

UNTOUCHABLES – MATT OBLAK

Matt Oblak: We get a tank, honey. No one is going to stop us today. Not even Bauer!

Teresa Oblak: He gets too much credit. He definitely isn’t man enough to face up to the red headed fury – Horatio Caine. Where is he anyway?

Paula Dean: Not sure. Something about going onto the field early to investigate a death before the match even started.

Teresa Oblak: Who?

KENNELZ – AJAX

Ajax: I’m looking forward to destroying some Freman!

Barbarossa: I’m with you on that one!

Hrrm: Me too!

UNTOUCHABLES – HORATIO CAINE

Horatio Caine slowly walks upon a scene of a dead Madam Razz with her broom and feet jutting from the sand. Horatio, turns sideways and slowly takes his sunglasses off.

Caine: Sergeant, what do we have here?

Sgt. Todd: Razz. Dead.

Caine: I see that Sergeant. What do you think happened?

Todd: Looks like she put up a valiant fight, but fell short.

Caine [puts his sunglasses on]: Well Sergeant. It looks like Razz. . . got jazzed.

I PROVIDE LOUDSPEAKERS OF THE WHO’S “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN.” The combatants look to the sky. SORRY. . . .

The combatants are:

The Untouchables. The Untouchables are Horatio Caine, Sinestro (with original green lantern ring), Deadpool and Paula Dean in a tank, Onslaught, Fremen #43-54, Granny Goodness, The Female Furies: Gilotina, Stampa, Bernadeth and Mad Harriet, Malificent, Merlin, She-Hulk, Duncan Idaho Ghola #9, The Constructicons, The Protectobots, Streetwise, Brawl (movie), She-Ra with Swift Wind, Pikachu, Madam Razz with Broom, Sgt. Todd (from “Soldier”) and Matt and Teresa Oblak in a Landspeeder.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Fremen #1-30, Barbarossa (cymek), Ajax (cymek), Hrrm, Scorponok and Lord Zarock (head), Scorponok (movie), Anakin Skywalker in an F-18 Raptor, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1, 2, 4 and 5, Jack Bauer, Justin Oblak in a tank and Treasure Troll #25.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 4:00 P.M. AND 5:00 P.M.

4:00:00, 4:00:01, 4:00:02. . .

Matt and Teresa Oblak are riding in their Landspeeder over the battlefield. As the couple comes over the dune, they are faced with Justin Oblak in a tank (and Jack Bauer along for the ride).

Bauer: Just like Bonnie and Clyde, Oblak. Take them out.

Justin: I’m thinking more Thelma and Louise. [Bauer gives Justin a mean stare].

Bauer: Doesn’t matter; it ends for them. . . now.

The tank fires and strikes the Landspeeder. The speeder crashes and Matt and Teresa are thrown from the vehicle. Bauer and Justin quickly jump out of the tank and head for the two injured Untouchables.

Bauer: Where is the rest of your team?

Teresa: Not really sure what you’re talking about. We are just a happy couple out for a quick bite and watching the sandworms.

Bauer: Don’t play games! [Bauer points the gun at Matt’s head]. Where are your teammates!?!

Teresa: Please! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Justin: Come on Jack, give them a break. Remember, this is supposed to be a kinder and friendlier Vick team – I mean after that whole dog thinggie.

Bauer: If you don’t have the stomach for this, leave! Now!!!!

Justin: Okay, Jack. Okay. Do what you have to.

Bauer: I’m only going to give you one more chance. Where is the rest of your team?

Teresa [a tear shedding]: I. . . .don’t. . . know.

Bauer pulls the trigger and kills Matt.

Teresa: NO!!!!!

Bauer: One more chance, or the next bullet is for you!

Teresa: Go to Hell you sonofab#@ch! You’ll get yours!

Bauer (shoots Teresa): They were trained well. Neither of them were going to give us any info. Let’s go!

Bauer and Oblak rush back to their tank.

4:03:05, 4:03:06, 4:03:07. . .

Treasure Troll #25 and Pikachu are in a tremendous fight. Although the Treasure Troll manages to punch Pikachu a few times, his hair always manages to flop into his face. The last “hair flop” allows Pikachu to use a lightning blast against Treasure Troll #25. The Trolls hair catches on fire. Troll #25 begins to roll in the sand, hoping to quash the flames. Pikachu uses this to his advantage and with another lightning bolt, kills Troll #25.

The tanks storm the sandy wastelands. Justin Oblak (and Jack Bauer) in their tank face off against Deadpool and Paula Dean. The tanks fire upon one another repeatedly. Each tank suffers a ton of damage. Each team is determined to stay in the tank as long as they can and hopefully take out the other side before they have to evacuate their vehicle. Bauer and Oblak’s tank catches on fire.

Bauer: Get out!

Oblak: I’m not leaving without you!

Bauer: I have this handled! Get out!

Oblak looks back at Bauer with a look of “bromance.” Just as Oblak raises his head above the tank’s latch, it is blown off by the keen marksmanship of Horatio Caine, who is riding bareback behind She-Ra on Swiftwind next to the tank.

Bauer: Oblak!!!!

Bauer’s tank fills up with the enough smoke and pieces of Oblak’s brains that Bauer knows he must abandon the vehicle. Before he leaves the tank, Bauer manages to fire one final time; that is all he needs. The other tank implodes at the concussion of the blast. Deadpool manages to escape the vehicle with the help of Green Lantern #2’s ring, but Paula Dean becomes a tub of stew (and not the yummy kind that she is known for). Brawl (in tank mode) then fires a death blow to Bauer’s tank. Bauer barely manages to escape. The implosion and explosion of the tanks throw pieces across the sky and sand, striking Swifwind as the horse rides off with Caine and She-Ra.

Swiftwind, carrying her riders to safety, comes to a halt and lies down, mortally wounded. Caine and She-Ra compassionately get off the steed. She-Ra kneels before her friend.

She-Ra: My friend, Swiftwind. Your death will be avenged.

Caine [standing to the side with his glasses off now, looking down at the horse]: She-Ra, you have my word. We will take Bauer down. I have a special gift for him. And you know the saying, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. [Horatio puts his sunglasses on]

4:15:12, 4:15:13, 4:15:14. . .

Freman #1-30 of the Kennelz meet Fremen #43-54 of the Untouchables. The two dune warrior teams crash into one another. After the dust clears from the battling, Kennelz Freman #1-7 are dead. Likewise, Untouchables’ Freman # 45-50 are also dead. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax come upon the scene. Barbarossa’s and Ajax’s cymek ferocity, Hrrm’s brute strength and the repeated attacks of the remaining Kennelz Freman manage to decimate the final ranks of the Untouchables Freman # 43, 44 and 51-54.

Kennelz Freman #8-30 follow the Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax into battle. The Dune-dwellers rush to meet the next wave of Untouchables. They are met by Duncan Idaho Ghola #9. Idaho stands before The Constructicons, The Protectobots, Streetwise, and Brawl (movies). The combatants focus on one another, looking for a weakness to take advantage of. The battlefield teams hear an aerial object streaking their way. It turns out to be Anakin Skywalker in an F-18 Raptor. Skywalker’s enhanced Jedi skills manage to target Streetwise in the precise location to destroy the Transformer. Steetwise explodes at the hands of Skywalker’s missiles. The other Protectobots, in robot mode, see their comrade destroyed. Thus, Hot Spot, Blades, Groove and First Aid all focus their weapons on the Jedi. Likewise, the Constructicons all combine together to form Devastator. Although the Jedi manages to use his force abilities to avoid a majority of the weapons fired at him, with the addition of Devastator, it is too much. Skywalker ejects before the plane explodes and crashes into a hundred pieces into the sand below. As he reaches the ground, he is met by Ahsoka Tano. They both ignite their lightsabers and join the rest of their team.

The Jedi work together and manage to actually damage Devastator. Devastator comes apart and forms the original vehicle mode Constructicons, being Bonecrusher, Scavanger, Scrappy, Hook, Long Haul and MixMaster. Although the sand effects the vehicles treads the Constructicons still manage to run over and kill Freman #20-30.

Constructicons (in unison): Can we kill them? Yes we can!!!! [SHOUT OUT TO “BOB THE BUILDER”!]

4:28:45, 4:28:46, 4:28:47. . .

Granny Goodness stands with her Female Furies, looking over the sandy landscape.

Goodness: I have trained you all well. Rise up and defeat those Kennelz scum! Kill them all!

The Female Furies rush to the battlefield. Gilotina, Stampa, Bernadeth and Mad Harriet each use their special powers to destroy the remaining Freman #8-19. Gilotina’s hands slice through Freman #8-11; Bernadeth’s fahren knife dispatches Freman #12-15; and Harriet’s energy claws kill Freman #16-19. Stompa creates earthquakes by stomping her boots on the sand. The aftershocks cause an immense sand slide which pulls Scrappy and MixMaster under the sand and to their deaths.

Tano and Skywalker enter the fray. They focus on the Furies and Granny Goodness. Stompa stomps the ground. Although the Jedi are off balance, it is only for a few seconds. Skywalker manages to continually force-leap over the ground’s quaking and strikes Stompa down. Gilotina and Harriet gang up on Tano. Harriet’s claws manage to slash Tano across her chest. As Tano hunches over Gilotina chops her head off. Skywalker sees this and losing his senses. Enraged and filled with emotion, Skywalker rushes at the Furies. Skywalker repeatedly deflects Granny’s powers and comes upon the Furies. Relentlessly, Skywalker slashes at the women. He eventually kills Gilotina, Harriet and Bernadeth. Granny Goodness uses her Apokoliptian powers to strike at Anakin again. The powers force Anakin on the ground and eventually Anakin is killed by Granny. Just as Granny is about to leave the area, Scorponok and Zarek rush from behind and kills Goodness.

Deadpool and Sgt. Todd rush at Anakin, firing at him with their weapons. The warriors know that since Anakin has been wounded by Granny he would be easier prey to deal with. It turns out their guns are not enough. Anakin force pushes both men down on the ground. Scorponok and Zarek, still lurking near the Jedi, rushes at the men and kills them.

Jack Bauer comes upon Pikachu.

Bauer: Where is Caine?

Pikachu garbles intelligible drivel. Bauer grabs the small Pokemon around the neck.

Bauer: Don’t fight it. Don’t fight it and it’ll be easier on you.

Bauer strangles Pikachu. He then looks to the sky.

4:36:10, 4:36:11, 4:36:12. . .

In the air, Sinestro battles his equals; Green Lanterns #1, 2, 4 and 5. Sinestro, being a stronger and more adept individual, manages to kill Green Lanterns #1 and 4. Green Lanterns #2 and 5 manage to deflect Sinestro’s rings blasts back at him. Sinestro is struck and falls to the ground. As he lands on the sand below, he is protected by Malificent and Merlin. The Lanterns come upon the magic wielders. Although the magic wielders seem more frail, they dupe the Lanterns closer. Malificent transforms into a dragon and kills Lantern # 2. Merlin then casts a spell of madness upon Lantern #5. Lantern #5 kills himself with his own ring. As Malificent (now in human-form) and Merlin turn to enter the main fray the ground beneath them swells. Scorponok (movie), likes its other incarnation, rises from the ground and takes the magic wielders in its pincers and rips them apart. It locates a wounded Sinestro on the ground and takes advantage of this situation. It kills Sinestro without a thought.

The remaining Constructicons, Protectobots and Brawl face off against the Scorponoks. Protectobots: Hot Spot, Blades, Groove and First Aid with Transformers: Bonecrusher, Scavanger, Hook, and Long Haul fight against the Scorponoks. A furious battle erupts between the Transformers. They switch from robot to vehicle mode, utilizing their strengths in each form. The Scorponoks manage to destroy Hot Spot, Groove, First Aid, Scavanger, Hook and Long Haul.

Barbarossa, Ajax and Hrrm face off against She-Ra, She-Hulk and Duncan Idaho Ghola #9. She-Ra uses her magical sword and impales Hrrm. Bloodthirsty and psychotic Ajax is not affected by She-Ra’s sword’s blows. He manages to reach She-Ra’s neck with his arms and strangles her to death. She-Hulk and Barbarossa are in a match of brute strength. She-Hulk does get the upper hand and smashes Barbarossa. Ajax, seeing his other bested by the She-Hulk, focuses all of his cymek power in a battle of wills and tenacity against She-Hulk. The cyborg is eventually too much and kills She-Hulk. Ajax then dispatches Idaho.

4:51:02, 4:51:03, 4:51:04. . .

Onslaught: ENOUGH!!!!

Onslaught finally comes to the battle. He sees Ajax and crushes the cyborg with his magnetism powers. He then focuses on both Scorponoks. He uses his abilities to raise the Scorponoks in the air together and then smashes and twists them together into a pretzel form. Both Scorponoks (along with Zarock) are destroyed.

Brawl turns to see Jack Bauer behind the destroyed and pretzeled Scorponoks. Brawl fires and flushes Bauer out. Onslaught then gets ahold of Bauer and makes him come to his team simply by using his mind.

Bauer: You may have this hour, but in the end the Kennelz will win the day!

Horatio Caine comes upon the scene.

Caine (with sunglasses off and facing sideways): That may be true Mr. Bauer. [Caine puts his glasses on]. But day won’t be for a long time, now will it?

Caine walks away in slow-mo as Onslaught crushes Bauer with his bare hands.

4:59:58, 4:59:59, 5:00:00. . .

The Untouchables: Onslaught, Horatio Caine, Brawl (movie), Blades and Bonecrusher survive.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: All dead.

THE UNTOUCHABLE ARE VICTORIOUS!!!

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are Sandworm #1-13, Ginaz Swordsman #15, Dorf, Shatterstar, Jawa #1-10, Starro, Hawkman & Hawkwoman, Shazam, Scarlet Witch, The Power Puff Girls: Blossom, Bubbles, & Buttercup, Doc Brown, Lobo, Agent-X, Ron Popeil, Marine #2-14, & Ewok #4 & 5.

Xavier’s Annihialtion Squad is Imhotep, The Scorpion King, Anck Su Namun, Silver Samurai, Ursa, Mary Embery, (movie) Bone Crusher, (movie) Barricade, Paul Atreides, The Sinister Six: Sandman, Hobgoblin, Dr. Octopus, Mysterio, Vulture, & Electro, Reverse Flash, Shredder, Spawn, Zorro, Walker: Texas Ranger, Darth Voltress, Darth Ocron, Geo-Force, Apocalypse, Shinobi & Yamato, The Leprechaun, Samurai #21-25, Atreides Soldier #11-13.


Ahhhhhh! What a great feeling it is for the Murderflies to be in the cinnamon enriched, arid landscape that is Arrakis. It is truly wonderful for the entire spice addicted team to be able to be on a planet that might as well be a giant spice tank, where their captive Sandworms can once again feel free and alive. For Brock Sampson’s boys being on this planet is like putting Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley directly into the heroine needle and then putting that little plastic cap back on. The Annihilation Squad on the other hand (like every other sane group of people) think that this place is an absolute S**t hole (but hey to each their own). To begin the fight Starro instantly disobeys Gen. Popeil’s orders by attacking the Annihilation Squad on his own. Paul Atreides sees how this creature of enormous telepathic energy is approaching and simply tells his team to get away from him. Walker Texas Ranger agrees because he is always right but Reverse Flash (from now on we’ll refer to him as his other name Zoom because it is not nearly as dumb) asks Paul “Why would we run away from one single member of their team? Aren’t we here to fight”? “We aren’t running from the Starfish” Paul says as he is already high-tailing it out of the area. Just then 6 Sandworms eject out of the sand around them leaving lightning like ripples in the ground. The Sandworms consume Starro, Anck Su Namun, Bone Crusher, Dr. Octopus, Shredder, Spawn, Silver Samurai, Darth Ocron, Shinobi, Yamato, & Samurai #22. This is such a tremendous melee of destruction that Sandworm #11 also is killed by its brethren in the process. General Popeil pulls out what is not so much an invention but an innovation of an old classic. Straight out of the Arrakis archives the Popester has used Fremen technology and Ronco know-how to create what he simply calls the Thumper Launcher. Every Fremen from age 5 and up knows how to plant a thumper so they can summon a worm to ride; but what if you want to summon the worm to send it somewhere else? That’s right, you guessed it! With the new patented Thumper Launcher from Ronco all you have to do is attach your Thumper (not included) into your Ronco Thumper Launcher, aim, point, and pull your Ronco quick release safety trigger and you can summon a worm to somewhere where you aren’t (only 6 easy payments of $33.32). ACT NOW! This spiel prompts the Leprechaun, though hundreds of meters away and on the other team to start singing everybody’s favorite St. Patrick’s Day commercial: “We’ve______ ______Got____ Bargains and bargains and bargains and bargains and bargains and bargains and bargains and bargains and bargains……… Gen. Popeil himself takes aim with the first thumper launcher which he shoots as close to the Annihilation Squad as possible. The thumper imitates the patter of human feet which summons the mighty worm to the surface. Once the maker has come onto the landscape a brave Geo-force tries to break up the sand around the worm in what turns out to be a vain attempt at attack as the worm instantly consumes him and is completely unaffected by Geo Force’s power. The Mighty Apocalypse extends his body to its largest possible form and tries to punch the side of Sandworm #3 but it is of no use as he and the remaining 4 Samurai, along with Zorro, Vulture, and Hobgoblin are all crushed to death by the sheer weight of the amazing creature. The Sandworm retreats back into its natural habitat and leaves all involved alone for the time being. The Fremen in Paul Atreides has no illusions about the unstoppable force that is the Sandworms of Dune but as the son of a Duke he also knows that if his team is going to have any chance against this amazing display of desert power than they are going to have to go on the offensive. Paul Maud Dib’ sees that there are several members of his team that have quite amazing desert manipulation skills that he has no desire to put to waste. So he sends Imhotep, Scorpion King, Anck-su-namun, Sandman, Barricade, and Walker (he’s good at everything) to personally attack the rock outcropping that Gen. Popeil and his men are hiding out in and blasting thumpers from. He sends Zoom and Mysterio out as a scouting duo to help them out. Paul then creates a team of fighters that he believes could be powerful enough to kill a sandworm. For this he puts Ursa, Mary Embery, Darth Voltress, Electro, & The Leprechaun on the ready for when The Murderflies shoot the next thumper. Doc Brown: Popeil’s right hand man, straight-up brother from another mother, and (in Latin) Gluttimuss Maximus Best Friendicus pulls out his Thumper Launcher and launches the next thumper back toward the Annihilation Squad. Ursa’s team waits patiently for the worm to come while Paul puts himself into a trance like state to try and foresee a better course of action than the one that is before him. Zoom and Mysterio arrive at the Murderfly holdout first. They take them by surprise with one of Mysterio’s illusions and Zoom picks up a rock throwing it into Scarlet Witch’s head, killing her before she even knows that they are there. Blossom, Bubbles, & Buttercup rush into action and attack Zoom. Zoom knocks Blossom to the ground but the other 2 Power Puff Girls rip the Reverse Flash limb from limb. Mysterio attacks the 2 ewoks. He manages to kill ewok #4 but Ewok #5 is so severely wasted on spice laced groudy mimosas that he just thinks he is watching a light show of some sort. Lobo avenges the ewok by sticking his hook into Mysterio’s head. Shazam flies out to meet the next wave but some of the squad manages to move past him and keep moving toward Popeil’s peeps in the cave. Sandman & Imhotep stay to fight Shazam out in the wide open dunes. Sandman & Imhotep use their similar powers together well and bury Capt. Marvel in so much sand that even he can’t seem to throw it off fast enough. Shazam is hurling lightning at the 2 sand masters but he can’t get it to go thru. During this process there is so much lightning being flung around that they do not even notice the worm sign approaching. Sandman & Imhotep manage to drown Capt. Marvel in sand but the giant worm that pops out in front of them is used to thousands of pounds of sand pouring into his mouth, so when the huge maker engulfs the 2 sand throwers it does not even notice a difference. Barricade transforms into robot form but he is blasted by the 10 Jawas and their mini ion cannons. They quickly begin to take the Decepticon apart mid-battle despite what is going on around them. Meanwhile on the other side of the battlefield Sandworm #7 has popped up in response to the thumper shot by Doc Brown. Ursa and Mary Embery fly on either side of the great worm attempting to get a good position for attack while Darth Voltress & Electro turn out to be somewhat useless against the giant beast and are crushed underneath it. The Leprechaun begins zapping the worm with his evil little powers while Ursa picks up the heap of metal that was once Bone Crusher and hits the Sandworm with it. The Decepticon cracks open leaving its disrupted spark out on the sands. Mary Embery picks it up and flies into the mouth of the worm. She throws what is left of Bone Crusher deep into the worm and then attempts to get out but is trapped inside and digested. Moments later the spark erupts inside the stomach of Sandworm #7 which kills him. More worms begin to resurface and Ursa and The Leprechaun resume their attack. Walker faces off against Agent-X in fight that consists of some super gnarly martial arts moves until Hawkman & Hawkwoman fly in to help Agent-X. Agent-X gets a hold of Walker for just long enough for the Hawk couple to bludgeon him to death with their maces. While Gen. Popeil is busy giving orders The Scorpion King runs toward him to attack. Marine #2 knows that one hit from this brute will kill their invention genius so even though he knows he has 9 FFL deaths he jumps in front of his beloved general to take the hit for him. The other 11 marines open fire on The Scorpion King and Shatterstar lends them some melee help to kill off the “Rock” hard Scorpion King, but he does manage to take out Marines #3 & 13 as well. When the next Sandworm pops out Ursa and The Leprechaun both attack once more but with no Transformers to use as weapons or help from Mary Embery the Sandworm devours The Leprechaun first and then even the mighty Kryptonian woman known as Ursa succumbs to the mighty belly of the maker. As the massive worms of Dune wildly move along the upset landscape of Arrakis Paul Maud Dib reaches into his Frem Kit and pulls out a thumper of his own. Paul tries to get his 3 loyal Atreides guards to follow him as he climbs on to the back of Sandworm #10 but not one of them makes it. Once atop the massive worm Usul as he is known by the Fremen in his sietch pulls out a set of maker hooks and begins controlling the Sandworm’s direction. He whispers his apologies to the holy worm in between his uttering of the Bene Gesserit Litany of Fear as he directs Sandworm #10 with its massive mouth full of would-be crysknives right into the side of Sandworm #8, ripping into the beasts and causing such a tumultuous crash that it mortally wounds both the worms. As a broken and bruised Paul lay in the sand he smiles to himself knowing that he just accomplished a miraculous feat but when he sees the massive Sandworm #1 coming down on top of him his smile gets even bigger due to the fact that he always knew that even the powerful and worshipped Maud Dib cannot stop Shai Halud from ruling the desert.
BROCK SAMPSON’S FIGHTING MURDERFLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!

TEAM vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos

TEAM: Kryptonian Kal El & Thunder god Thor’s “We Really Like Wearing Spandex” Throng of Adequacy is Superman, Comet, Streaks, Thor, Thunderstrike, Ragnarok (the Thor Clone), God Emperor Leto II, Evil Paul Atreides Ghola, Duncan Idaho Ghola #3, Bashar Miles Teg Ghola, Duke Leto Atreides, Voltron, Set, The Road Runner, Wil-E-Coyote & Baby Wolverine in a Land Speeder, Galvatron, Iron Hide, (movie) Iron Hide, Nyobi, Bloodwind, Freddy Kruegar, & Leader One.

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is Luna Lovegood, Dr. Fate, Ginny Weasaly, Bashar Miles Teg, Paul Atreides Ghola, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Judah Ben Hur, Willow Rosenburg, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Paralax, Black Adam, Bizarro Superman, Rodimus Prime, Qui Gon Jinn, Azeem, Saladin, Ardeth Bay & Ahmed Best in a Land Speeder, Kaja Sinis, Ben Kenobi, (movie) Blackout, Maxima, Ms. Marvel, Mary Marvel, Dr. Grant on a 4-Wheeler, & Bryan Beckerman in an Exo-Suit.


The newly formed Thor Corps, along with Superman land on the sandy dunes of Arrakis to rendezvous with the rest of their TEAM; already assembled with their unofficial Desert leader God Emperor Leto II. “I look forward to quickly dispatching this team, much as my last team did when we met them in the water”. Thor says arrogantly to anyone who will listen. Superman replies to this statement with “The team we are about to face is undefeated, we have no reason to take them lightly and I see no reason for your apparent arrogance”. Thunderstrike chimes in with “Everyone knows that the N.L. is weak” Superman looks at his 3 Norse TEAMmates and says “there is no proof of that, and furthermore there is no reason to talk about. We have a job to do, now lets go do it”. “Ahh is our Kryptonian leader scared of what lies ahead, or perhaps you are simply scared that you are no longer the most powerful member of our said TEAM”. Thor says to Superman. “We met last year Thor, back when you were on The Slaves and I think we both remember how that turned out. So you need not play up your power in front of your new friends”. Replies Superman. The God Emperor uses a hint of his Bene Gesserit voice powers to bellow out to his bickering TEAMmates saying “enough of this, it is time for TEAM to act like its name and water the sacred Dunes with the blood of The Commandos”. With that being said the holy emperor of the known Universe speeds off on top of the Dunes with his massive body exposed to the arid air of the planet he calls home. The other members of TEAM take off behind Leto II into the distance where they can see The Commandos preparing for a charge of their own. Dumbledore and Rodimus Prime have taken control of the team for the time being. Despite the fact that Rodimus Prime has the Autobot Matrix of leadership within his chest; he realizes that he is still a rookie to this league and that this Dumbledore guy really seems to know what he is talking about, so the Autobot leader doesn’t seem to mind taking a back seat to him for the time being. Rodimus lifts the wizard up in his right hand to elevate him for his speech to the troops but not everyone of the Commandos is quite as anxious to listen to him. “We will need to fight hard and to give everything we have but we should be cautious. TEAM is not to be taken lightly”. Black Adam yells for everyone to hear “Get over it old man, you’re busy living in last year. TEAM doesn’t even have that kind of power any more. We’ve all read the stats. This is our year”. Qui Gon adds “It is of no use talking about it on the battlefield. I sense them approaching and I don’t need the force to know that we will find out soon enough which one of you is right”. The God Emperor is only a couple hundred yards away when he decides to stop in his tracks. The rest of TEAM believes that he is simply letting them catch up but once they reach him he orders them to hold back. They soon see why as the angered serpent Set pops out of the ground as if to taunt the Commandos into choosing what they should attack first. Dumbledore looks at Black Adam and says “Well Adam, prove me wrong”. Black Adam then nods to Mary Marvel; who along with Ms. Marvel, & Maxima fly off to do battle with the once 7 headed but now only 3 headed monster. Once The God Emperor sees that the Commandos will not be sending their entire team over to battle with Set he allows his attack to continue. Leto II along with the 5 Voltron Lions, the 2 Iron Hides, & Wil-E-Coyote in his Land Speeder with Baby Wolverine riding Shotgun are the first to arrive in the area where the Commandos are hold out. The 2 Iron Hides begin battling with Blackout but the Decepticon doesn’t like the 2 on 1 odds so he transforms and takes to the air to fight elsewhere. Ardeth Bay is driving the Land Speeder thru the Dunes with Ahmed Best in the passenger seat when he notices that they are being chased by a similar land speeder. It does not take them long to notice that despite the significant amount of distance between the 2 speeders Wil-E-Coyote’s speeder is gaining ground on them quickly. “What is that, 1 of those new XP-38’s that all the dorks at the Comic-Cons are always talking about” Best says to a puzzled Ardeth. But the reality is that Wil-E has outfitted the land speeder with a huge rocket which is propelling them at an amazing rate of speed. They catch up quickly when Wil-E-Coyote realizes that although his Acme rocket is doing the job, that the brakes on the land speeder aren’t working. They crash into the back of the other speeder throwing all 4 of the combatant onto the sand. Once he is on his feet Wil-E-Coyote fires a smaller rocket at the head of Ahmed Best which turns his dome into icky yucky goo. Ardeth in retaliation comes at the coyote with his sword and cuts off his head. Ardeth seems triumphant but this entire time while he was driving he never noticed that there was another tiny person in the speeder. Baby Wolverine, being the best at what he does (compared to other babies of course) uses this to his advantage as he jumps claws first into the chest of Ardeth to kill him. Zandar leads his team of Herculoids and Bryan Beckerman in an Exo-Suit against the Voltron Lions. They dance around the sands for a while without touching each other in that strange way that only 80’s cartoon characters can fight Becks turns to Zandar as they are shooting their lasers and lava rocks at the metal lions and says: “These guys have some pretty thick skin, and I ain’t Lion. Get it Lie-in”….. But Zandar doesn’t get it. The Lions then form together to make Voltron which prompts Becks to turn to Tarra and say nothing because he was to busy staring at her breasts, but he does say to Dorno as he points to his Exo-Suit “crap, I thought only the lawyers could transform in this universe”. Which of course is not even remotely funny but Dorno laughs so hard that he doesn’t even notice Voltron’s sword cutting both him and Beckerman in half. Blackout, still in his helicopter form swings back around to help out The Herculoids but he is blown out of the air by Leader One’s missiles before he can attack Voltron. A furious Zandar, due to the loss of his son begins shouting orders to The Herculoids to attack Voltron while Tarra is busy being completely useless. Gloop begins bouncing off of Voltron’s metal body and Gleep wraps around Voltron’s legs to trip him. The 2 protoplasms then both try to bounce onto Voltron once again but Voltron opens up his hand/laser lion mouth and vaporizes both Gloop and Gleep. Voltron gets back up to evade Zok’s lazer tail attack when Tundro and Igoo both run in to attack. Voltron brings his sword down onto the back of Tundro slicing thru the thick skin of the creature while he is stepping on Tarra. Zandar and Igoo both rush in toward Voltron. Voltron crushes Zandar with his fist but Igoo punches Voltron in the chest knocking him to the ground. Igoo then uses his incredible strength to pound on the chest of the fallen Voltron until he is nearly destroyed. When the giant rock Ape gets ups Zok flies by and gives Voltron a triple laser shot from his eyes and tail to finish the GoLion off. Paralax flies in toward the battle but Galvatron transforms into his cannon mode and blasts the yellow energy being completely apart before he makes his way to his arch-nemesis Rodimus to so battle. Dr. Grant is blazing a trail on his 4-wheeler when The God Emperor decides to make his presence known. The man in a worm’s body easily crushes both Grant and his 4-wheeler. Willow Rosenburg and Luna Lovegood try to conjure up some spells to stop the rampaging Shai Halud incarnate but they are consumed by his sheer might as well. Even kaja Sinis, with his great gift of the force is no match for such a power. Sinis evades for a short time and attempts to get in close with his lightsaber, knowing that he is disadvantaged from a strength perspective but in this environment he is even outmatched when it comes to maneuverability. The God Emperor simply dives below the sand and then pops back out to consume the first ever Jedi Master. Bloodwind flies in to where Ginny Weasaly and Dr. Fate are standing back to back to protect each other from the carnage that surrounds them. The 2 magic users try a variety of spells on the disguised Martian but they all simply slow Bloodwind down instead of stopping him. Dr. Fate flies into the air try his attack from a different angle but Bloodwind flies up to meet him with an uppercut which knocks Fate down to the ground and sends his helmet off into the distance. Bloodwind then comes down hard onto Fate’s head with his foot to finish him off. Bloodwind then starts to move against Ginny but in a last ditch effort she conjures up a simple fire spell which seems to completely debilitate her opponent.. When she notices the effect that this has on him she works up as much fire as she can with her wand and sends it sailing in Bloodwind’s direction to take him out. Superman is finally done arguing with Thor (for the moment). So he, along with his super pets Streaks and Comet fly over the enemy lines to where it appears that a counter ground offensive is being laid out by the great military genius Bashar Miles Teg. The Bashar has hand chosen who he feels are the best people to lead his desert ground assault, but Superman, his Super Cat, and his Super Horse all simply land directly on their targets to take out The Bashar, Paul Atreides’ Ghola, and Judah Ben Hur; before the attack can even take place. Dumbledore and Harry Potter are actually smiling like they are back at Hogwarts together as they use a combination of spells to take out The Road Runner and then Nyobi before she can rock them with any of her patented Kung-Fu moves. (movie) Iron Hide actually goes down pretty easily as well when matched up against the 2 powerful wizards, but it is a little bit different as the New Thor Corps lands in front of them. Thor fights thru the magic of the two spell-casters and then knocks them down with a double close line that is reminiscent of Saturday morning wrestling. Once down on the ground Thunderstrike and Ragnarok both jump in with their hammers at the ready to cave in the skulls of the 2 worthy opponents. On the other side of the dunes the battle with Set rages on. Mary Marvel attempts to fly underneath one of Set’s remaining 3 heads but the giant serpent simply snatches her out of the air and swallows her whole, retaining her power as his own. Maxima and Ms. Marvel (or as they say about themselves in the locker room: Straight chicks doing straight things) fly over toward one of Set’s heads. Maxima blasts it with her eye beams to distract it while Ms. Marvel flies up underneath and begins pounding on the serpent head with all of her might. When this doesn’t work Maxima flies down to the other side of the head and begins pushing on the neck from the opposite direction. With the 2 of them pushing on either side they manage to cave in the neck and pop off Set’s head, leaving him with only 2. The 2 gal pals quickly fly over to Black Adam to assist him with the head he is working on. Black Adam is fiercely pounding on the mystical creature but it does not seem to get the job done. Maxima & Ms. Marvel fly in to begin their same regiment but Ms. Marvel gets caught in the Jaws of Set and consumed within a matter of seconds. A furious Maxima unleashes all of her cosmic power into the head that Black Adam has been beating on and leaves nothing but a burnt stump in its place. With this move it leaves Set with only one remaining head. Black Adam focuses all his energy as he screams “SHAZAM” causing a storm of lightning to come crashing into both the mid-section and remaining head of Set to completely destroy the Atlantean creature. Galvatron and Rodimus Prime are beating on each other’s metal bodies unmercifully when Rodimus kicks Galvatron in the chest and down onto the sand. Rodimus then tries to jump on top of Galvatron to gain the upper hand in the fight and finish him off but just before Rodimus can finish the attack Galvatron gets his arm cannon up and blasts him out of the air. Rodimus tries to shake off the attack but by the time he begins to pull himself together Galvatron has transformed into his cannon mode. With one more well placed blast Galvatron blows Rodimus and the matrix to pieces. Duke Leto Atreides and Duncan Idaho have deliberately separated themselves from the ghola referring to himself as Paulo. Because although he may look like the Paul Atreides that they both loved and respected, he is entirely different. The Red Duke and his Swordmaster both rush in toward the small group being led by Saladin: of Qui Gon, Ben Kenobi, & Azeem. Leto shoots Saladin between the eyes with his hidden wrist mounted poison dart gun while Duncan begins sword fighting with Azeem. Qui Gon and his reunited former padawan Kenobi ignite their lightsabers and make short work of Leto. Duncan knocks Azeem to the ground and is about to deliver a killing blow when he is sidetracked by the 2 Jedi. Duncan Idaho, as skilled as he may be, not to mention fueled by rage after once again not being able to stop the death of his Duke is no match for the 2 Jedi plus Azeem. Idaho dodges the initial swing of Qui Gon’s green lightsaber but is shortly thereafter killed by Obi Wan’s blue one. There is no rest for the 3 fighters, as Paulo jumps out of nowhere with his crysknife in hand. The failed Kwisatz Haderach uses the element of surprise to stab Ben Kenobi in the back of the neck. “Noooooo” Qui Gon screams as he and Azeem quickly dispatch the Tlielaxlu creation. Bizarro Superman lands in front of a very eager Freddy Kruegar. Freddy swings his claws swiftly at Bizarro but Bizarro simply blows on Freddy with his heat breath to further burn the villain and send him backward. This angers Freddy who charges back at Bizarro but it is no use as Bizarro simply grabs a hold of Freddy and rips him apart. Bashar Miles Teg Ghola races in at speeds that can not even be deciphered by the human eye. Qui Gon is able to keep up for a second but his force powers are exhausted just by simply watching the Bashar’s ghola. Miles Teg simply grabs a hold of Qui Gon to vibrate him to death while Azeem is busy getting run over by Iron Hide. Ginny Weasaly, Black Adam, Bizarro, Maxima, & The remaining 2 Herculoids all regroup to find that they are outnumbered by a decent amount but they are in no way ready to give up when they have that amount of combined power. Maxima flies up to fight with Superman and his pets. She grabs a hold of Streaks and rips the Super Cat’s head clean off. This was a great plan; that is if her intention was to piss off Superman which is exactly what that move prompted. If it were to be put in school terms they would say that Maxima pulling off Streaks head was the cause, and Superman pulling off Maxima’s head was the effect. It is no doubt that the Thor Corps has a fairly unhealthy resentment of Superman which can in no way be a good thing for TEAM if they can’t get over it somewhat quickly but at the moment it seems to be O.K. since they are taking out that aggression on Bizarro. Bizarro grabs a hold of Thunderstrike and begins choking him. He has such a grip on the younger version of Thor that he probably would have been able to finish him off had Ragnarok and Thor not pulled him off. Once released Thunderstrike is the first of the 3 to throw his Odin empowered Hammer at Bizarro Superman which breaks his rock like body into dozens of pieces. Black Adam is about to try his hand at Superman, which is something he has been looking forward to for a long time when The Bashar Miles Teg Ghola runs up and tackles him. Black Adam has a strength that is superior to Teg’s but when the ghola grabs a hold of him and starts moving his body’s molecules at a faster and faster rate even Black Adam cannot seem to get away from it. Miles Teg so exerts himself that he is to far gone to recover. He actually vibrates his body so severely that it deteriorates both the cells of his body and of the mighty Black Adam’s until they are both unrecognizable lumps of flesh. Ginny Weasaly feels she is ready for any challenge as she grips her wand tightly in anticipation of the oncoming battle but her magic is no match for the combined fire power of 3 huge robots. Ginny’s body cannot even be found in the blowing sands after Iron Hide, Galvatron, & Leader One blow her to bits. Superman and Comet meet up with the Thor Corps in the air and make short work of the lone flyer left on the Commandos: Zok. The alien dragon tries to blast them with his lasers but it is of no avail as the 5 super-powered beings rip the poor beast apart in mid-air. Igoo stands alone on the sands with his rock hard body to protect him against any of the planets elements but his hardened exterior proves to be not enough to protect him against the God Emperor, as Leto II throws his worm body into the air and crashes down on top of the Ape to kill him in an instant.
TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!

Le' Napoleon Brigade vs. The Syracuse Valley

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 4 Match: Le' Napoleon Brigade vs. The Syracuse Valley.

Before the match, I enter the sandy locker room of Le’Napoleon Brigade. Le' Napoleon Brigade is Obi Wan Kenobi, Atreides Soldiers #1-10, Wonder Woman, Wonder Girl, Army Soldiers #101-102, Allia Atreides (adult), Silver Dragons #1-3, Princess Leia (E.U. Jedi), Bo Jackson, Poison Ivy, Lara Croft, Duncan Idaho Mentat Ghola #12 (Kwisatz Haderach), Allia Atreides Ghola (child), Hecate, John McClane, Alan Scott, Guy Gardner (with yellow ring), Aragorn, Arwen Evenstar, Horses #26-31, Princess Ororo (Amazon), Anakin Solo and Velociraptors #31-36.

Bo Jackson: Bo don’t do losing!

Lara Croft: I’m looking for the first kill this time!

John McClane: Not if I’m first.

I then enter the locker room for the Syracuse Valley. The Syracuse Valley is The Syracuse Valley is Soundwave with Overkill, Slugfest, Squawktalk, Beastbox, (movie) Frenzy, (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, (movie) Jazz, Darth Maul, Sith Lord #4 (Darth Rave), Casey Jones, Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles, Bossk, Dash Rendar and Leebo in an AT-ST, Raiden with Kid Thunder, Shang Tsung, Alien Xenomorphs #85-90, Nightcrawler, Baby Nightcrawler, Nocturne, Wald, Fire Bros. #1-6, Venom, Guile, Wingnut and Screwloose, Scooter, Crasher, Treasure Troll #5, Jedi Guardian #3 with Jedi Padawan #37, Hammer Bros. #1 & 2, Rob Bartlett, and Little Goombas #2 & 3.

Treasure Troll #5: Time for us little guys to kick some butt!

Megatron: Is everyone ready to enter battle?

Venom: I know I am ready to rip some limbs apart!

Bossk: Raargh! Ruurghugh! Ruummgh! [Translation: Wait! My shoes! My shoes!!! I can’t enter into battle without my shoes!]

I teleport the teams to the sandy battlefield (except for one). The battle commences. . . .

Rob Bartlett looks upon the Brigade and scowls at their presence.

Bartlett: Brigade! You will all die today! In fact, I will kill at least. . . [Bartlett’s head explodes as both bullets from Lara Croft and John McClane rip through his skull].

McClane: Yippee Kayay, Mother@&$#@r!

Croft: What a p@$$y!

McClane: Looks like we both get the first kill.

The dinosaurs are the next to take the field. Velociraptors #31-36 use their quick speed to reach Alien Xenomorphs #85-90. It is a vicious battle between the monsters. The Xenomorphs manage to kill Velociraptors #31-34. The Velociraptors manage to kill Xenomorphs # 88-90. Squawkbox (the combined Beastbox and Squawktalk gestalt) comes upon the scene and wreaks both sonic and audio havoc on the battlefield. Raptors #35 and 36 cannot take this sensory overload and run away. Squawkbox then becomes the Transformer gorilla Beastbox and parrot Squawktalk. The Transformers chase Velociraptors #35-36. Just as the Transformers are about to reach the dinosaurs, Anakin Solo, lightsaber ignited, slashes through both. Squawktalk and Beastbox are destroyed. Xenomorphs # 85-87 run away from the fight with Solo.

Hammer Brothers #1-2 and Little Goombas #2 and 3 face off against Bo Jackson.

Jackson: I played two sports. You little creatures have no chance.

In response to this insult, Goombas #2 and 3 rush at Jackson. The little video-ites bite him repeatedly; blood flows from his wounds. Hammer Brothers #1 and #2 then finish the job started by the Little Goombas by striking Jackson repeatedly in the skull with their hammers. The Goombas and Hammers are ecstatic at actually having defeated a member of the Brigade.

Seeing their diminutive brethren defeat Jackson, puts Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles the Echidna, Wald and Treasure Troll #5 in a frenzy. The miniatures are ready for action! They see Velociraptors #35 and #36 begin to race by. Noticing the small Valley members and believing they are easy prey, the Velociraptors attack. They are quick to dispatch Wald and Treasure Troll #5. Sonic begins to run away and the Raptors pursue the hedgehog. Velociraptor #36 begins to tire and stops. Knuckles comes up behind the Raptor and strikes him repeatedly with his spiky hands. Hammer Brother #1 and Goomba #2 join Knuckles in his beating of the dinosaur; Raptor #36 dies. Velociraptor #35, lets out a feral growl, attacks and manages to kill both Goomba #3 and Hammer Brother #2. Sonic comes back and with the help of Knuckles, Hammer Brother #1 and Goomba #2 kills Raptor #35. All Velociraptors are now dead.

Having defeated so many of the Brigade, the small Valley teammates are going wild. They see Horses #28-31 now approaching. The Valley savors another defeat of the Brigade members. Horses #28-31 succumb to the sheer number of little beasts and die. Horses #26 and #27, unbeknownst to the little beasts, are ridden by Aragorn and Arwen Evenstar. It is too late before the Valley members pay attention. With swords drawn, both Aragorn and Arwen lop off the heads of Sonic, Knuckles, Hammer Brother #1 and Goomba #2 – a fitting and final death for these characters.

As Aragorn and Arwen ride their horses they are confronted by Dash Rendar and Leebo in an AT-ST. The AT-ST’s laser fire kills both horses #26 and 27; Aragorn and Arwen are thrown from their steeds. Both Aragorn and Arwen raise their swords to face the AT-ST. Knowing the odds are against the Tolkien heroes, Army Soldiers #101-102 attempt to help their comrades. The soldiers’ attempt fails as they are blasted immediately. Aragorn and Arwen run behind the vehicle. As the AT-ST turns around it does not realize that a golden lasso has been tied around its’ legs. The AT-ST trips and crashes to the ground. Dash and Leebo manage to escape the Imperial walker. As they come from the vehicle’s head, they see Aragorn and Arwen, swords ready. Dash, blasters in both hands, fires and kills both Aragorn and Arwen. Dash and Leebo jump from the AT-ST and are faced by Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Solo. Both Obi Wan and Anakin manage to divert Dash’s shots. Obi Wan manages to strike Dash down, while Anakin slices Leebo in half.

Raiden with Kid Thunder, Shang Tsung and Guile come upon the smoking AT-ST remains and see Obi Wan and Anakin Solo. Both Raiden and Shang Tsung use their mortal combat abilities to strike Anakin. The sorcerer’s power of Tsung and lightning of Raiden course through Anakin, bringing the young Jedi to his knees. Kid Thunder rushes at Anakin. Anakin, although hurt, is not dead. Only sensing Kid through the Force, Anakin turns and impales Kid upon his lightsaber.

Kid Thunder: Raiden. Avenge me!

Raiden amplifies his power with Shang Tsung’s abilities and the duo’s powers rip through Anakin. Anakin, nearly unconscious, notices Guile rushing at him. Before Guile reaches him, Obi Wan strikes the Street Fighter character with his lightsaber. Guile dies. Obi Wan then manages to use his lightsaber and avert the projections coming Anakin’s way. Slashing back and forth Obi Wan is able to deflect the lightning and sorcery back at their creators. Obi Wan comes upon both Raiden and Shang Tsung and strikes them both down. Anakin, hurt, loses consciousness.

Obi Wan begins to move back to his teammate when he sees Darth Maul, Sith Lord #4 (Darth Rave), and Jedi Guardian #3 with Jedi Padawan #37. Although the skills of Obi Wan manage to kill both Jedi Guardian #3 and Jedi Padwan #37 rather quickly, he is unable to finish the two Sith. With Anakin unconscious, he knows that he must face these two alone. Darth Rave and Darth Maul repeatedly strike at Obi Wan with their sabers. Obi Wan manages to deflect the blows repeatedly, but soon tires due to the unrelenting fury of the Sith. Rave manages to cut Obi Wan’s arm off. Obi Wan screams and Maul smiles. Maul walks up to the Jedi and kills him by slicing him in half.

Maul: Payback is a b%&ch!!!

Obi Wan’s spectral form approaches Anakin: The force will be with you. . . always. . ..

Anakin, hearing these words, slowly gets up and comes face to face with Venom. Venom smiles.

Venom: Me like fresh meat.

Venom rips Anakin’s arms off; Anakin bleeds to death.

Alan Scott and Guy Gardner see the alien symbiote and use their rings, together, to pummel Venom. Venom repeatedly takes the blows and laughs. Venom knows that the Lanterns really have to increase their game. They do. Both Scott and Gardner take turns picking Venom up with their ring’s powers, carrying him in the sky and dropping him to the sandy ground below. Each time Venom smashes to the ground he swallows more and more sand. Eventually, there is a sandy crater where Venom has repeatedly struck. Venom, coughing sand, knows that it will be over soon. Gardner and Scott, together, use their powers to carry Venom far up in the sky. Venom plummets to the ground one last time. His body enters the sand and exhausted at the beating he has taken, suffocates and dies.

Scott and Gardner begin to fly away and are met by Megatron (movie) and Starscream (movie). The Lanterns are no match for the flight abilities of the Decepticons. Although both Scott and Gardner attempt to battle the cybertronian jets, their rings do not allow them enough time to adapt to the moves and weapons of the fighting machines. Megatron manages to kill Gardner and Starscream manages to kill Scott.

Croft and McClane smile at one another as they see Baby Nightcrawler in front of them. Baby Nightcrawler is making sand castles. Croft and McClane have no qualms about using their “upper hand” to kill the young superhero. Just as they raise their weapons, Nightcrawler and Nocturne teleport behind Croft and McClane and smash their heads together. Croft and McLane are unconscious. Fire Brothers #1-6 decide to use this to their advantage and begin to repeatedly throw fire balls at the two unconscious heroes. Once on fire, they get up, in flames. The Fire Brothers continue to shoot fire balls at the two. Jazz and Crasher come upon the scene and although currently in robot mode, quickly transform to their vehicle modes. Their tires trudge through the sand and run the two humans over – again and again. Croft and McLane are dead by the Transformer/Go-Bot duo.

Silver Dragons #1-3 then trounce upon the battlefield. Although sluggish because they are used to colder climates, they are a formidable match for the Valley Team. All Silver Dragons, in unison, use their cold cone breaths, to freeze and kill Fire Brothers #1-6. The dragons then focus on Jazz and Crasher. Before they can convert to robot mode again, which is a more reasonable form to battle the Dragons, the Dragons freeze them. Jazz and Crasher are frozen and then destroyed by the beasts. Scooter comes upon the scene, believing he can help his teammates. Scooter is wrong. The Dragons manage to destroy the Go-Bot inventor easily. Thus, three dragons have taken out Fire Brothers #1-6, Jazz, Crasher and Scooter. Megatron and Starscream will not allow these foul beasts to conquer their kind so easily. They use all of their weaponry, while averting their breaths, to kill Silver Dragons #2-3. Overkill comes upon the scene and in Dinosaur-mode, uses his jaws to crush the neck of Silver Dragon #1 who dies, a fitting final death.

Across the battlefield, Xenomorphs #85-87 are running. Princess Leia (E.U), Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl meet the alien predators. The Xenomorphs believe that the women are easy prey. They are wrong.

Leia: Which one do you have?

Wonder Woman: Xeno # 86. You?

Leia: Xeno # 87.

Wonder Girl: Good. That leaves me with # 85. That means I have the opportunity to put this one is the grave for good!

The women clash with the Alien Xenomorphs. Wonder Woman lassos Xeno #86 and strangles the beast with her rope. Leia uses her Jedi abilities to quickly dispatch of Xeno # 87. Wonder Girl gets a hold of the Xenomorph #85 and repeatedly strikes it. The Xenomorph is near death and on the ground. Poisin Ivy comes upon the scene.

Ivy: Ladies, may I please have the honor?

Wonder Girl, Wonder Woman and Leia (in unison): Of course.

Ivy uses her body to toxify Xenomorph #85. Xeno #85 dies its final death. . .

The women travel together and see Casey Jones.

Casey Jones although believing he is outmatched, still shouts his war cry into battle.

Jones: Goongala!

Jones rushes at Leia with his hockey stick. Leia does a force leap over Jones and while in mid-air slices Jones in two

Princess Ororo joins her female teammates. She flies in the air and uses her weather manipulation skills to create a sandstorm. The Valley team is blinded. Instead of the women, out from the sandstorm rushes the Dune inhabitants. Atreides Soldiers #1-10, Allia Atreides (adult), Duncan Idaho Mentat Ghola #12 (Kwisatz Haderach), Hecate (cymek) and Allia Atreides Ghola (child), who are all used to the storms of Arrakis, rush out of the blinding curtain caused by Ororo.

The Dune warriors are met by Darth Maul and Darth Rave. Maul and Rave easily cut down Atreides Soliders # 1-2, 8-10. Allia Atreides (adult), Duncan Idaho Mentat Ghola #12 and Allia Atreides Ghola (child) swarm upon Darth Rave. The battle is fierce and Rave manages to kill both Allias, who although strong and acclimated to the Dune planet, are no match for the vicious Sith Rave. Seeing their kinmates killed by Rave, Duncan Idaho Ghola and Hecate manage to kill Rave. Maul, in retribution, then kills Duncan Idaho Ghola. The bloodthirsty Hecate then comes at Maul. Maul’s lightsaber manages to damage Hecate. Nonetheless, the cymek overcomes the battle scars and kills Maul. Nocturne and Nightcrawler teleport repeatedly, striking Hecate over and over again. The cyborg is strong, but he is not strong enough to stop the repeated blows. As the cymek hits the ground, it fails to notice the final death blow was given by Overkill’s jaws.

Wonder Woman, Poisin Ivy, Wonder Girl, Ororo, and Leia come upon the combatants. They easily kill the remaining Atreides Soliders #3-7. Leia uses her force abilities to locate Nocturne and Nightcrawler. Ororo and Wonder Woman use their lassos to snag and bind the teleporters. Wonder Girl and Poisin Ivy kill them. Wingnut & Screwloose then jump into the fray. The alien bat (Wingnut) and alien mosquito (Screwloose) from the planet Huanu fight valiantly, but are no match for the women. They fall with their comrades.

The Brigade’s five women meet Soundwave, Overkill, Slugfest, Frenzy, Megatron and Starscream. Frenzy is easily taken out by Leia with her lightsaber. Poisin Ivy’s powers are useless on the robots and there is no plant life around for her to utilize. Thus, Overkill quickly kills her in its jaws. Soundwave uses its ability to read the minds of the women and transmits this information to his teammates. Using this information, Slugfest, in dino-mode uses its stegosaurus tail to strike Leia. Leia manages to cut into the tail, but does not see Megatron and its weapons. Leia is killed. Ororo, Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl all manage to destroy the damaged Slugfest. Megatron, Starscream and Overkill, though, are too much for the remaining women. Although the women manage to destroy Soundwave, Wonder Woman, Wonder Girl and Ororo are eventually bested and killed by the Transformers.

Megatron picks up Baby Nightcrawler and enters into the locker room with the other Transformers. There Megatron, Starscream and Overkill see Bossk.

Bossk: Raarghugh! Oomphaaay! Raaaurgh! Raaarguuggh! [Translation: What the hell?!?! You all stormed off into battle without me! It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t find my shoes!!! How rude!!!] [SHOUT OUT TO ROBOT CHICKEN STAR WARS SPECIAL 2!!!!]

Brigade: All dead.
Valley: Megatron, Starscream, Overkill, Baby Nightcrawler and Bossk alive.

THE SYRACUSE VALLEY IS VICTORIOUS!!!!

Built Ford Tough vs Team Sleeping Pussy

Built Ford Tough is Sand Trooper #1-25, The Flaming Carrot, Wilt, Steve McQueen, Fantastic Max, FX, AB, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Indiana Jones, Beta Ray Bill, Ancient Sith Lord #8-13, Mandalorian #6-10, (book) Arachnid #1-12, Sardakaur #1, & Barry Sanders.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Cloak & Dagger, Giant Man, Shield Agent #1-10, Ka-Zar & Zabu, Mothra, Super Skrull, Kahn, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Ice-Man, Angel, Beast, War Skrull #1-5, Binary, Vision, Mr. Joshua, Compy #29-70, Female Sentinels #1 & 2.

Built Ford Tough is teleported to the desert planet of Arrakis and eager to get its first regular season win. However, that is easier said than done. Standing in their way is Team Sleeping Pussy who has an opportunity to string back-to-back wins this week. Han Solo and Indiana Jones order the 25 Sand Troopers to form a line in front of their forces. They also have the six Ancient Sith Lords, the five Mandalorians, and the twelve Arachnids join the Sand Troopers on the front line. The Ancient Sith Lords all almost simultaneously ignite their lightsabers as the other troops ready their guns. Chewbacca joins Beta Ray Bill at the peak of a sand dune and lets out a mighty roar as Beta Ray Bill calls down a lightning bolt from the sky. Han and Indy climb up to the peak as well. “Alright, men. I’m not any good at this speech-giving stuff. So all I’m gonna say is, lets show this team why we are BUILT FORD TOUGH!” says Han Solo. His team cheers after his words of encouragement. They then see a giant billowing sand cloud approaching them. “Urgg. I hate sand,” grumbles Sand Trooper #11. “Heh. Fine time to form that opinion. Could be worse though. We could be freezing our butts off on Hoth,” replies Sand Trooper #23. “Yeah, well I might rather be there right now. Look!” says Sand Trooper #11. As he points to the now dissipating sand cloud, the first one they see is Giant Man, the new big man on Team Sleeping Pussy, now that Master Mold is gone. Next they see the Original X-Men, led by Cyclops, who fires an optic blast that kills Wilt. “Hold! Hold that line!” shouts General Solo. Team Sleeping Pussy continues their march, with Mothra pulling up the rear. They get extremely close to Built Ford Tough’s front line, which is when Gen. Solo yells, “Now! Fire!” The Sand Troopers mow down all ten charging S.H.I.L.D. Agents in a haze of dust and laser blasts. Built Ford Tough’s Sand Troopers are then overwhelmed by 42 Compys. This allows Team Sleeping Pussy to break through and attack. “Uh guys, I kinda got a problem,” says a concerned Iceman. “There’s no moisture in this air.” Before any of his fellow X-Men can respond, the iceless Bobby Drake is shot and killed by Han Solo. Beast then leaps at Han Solo, only to be tackled by Chewbacca. They both start savagely beating each other, sending a mixture of blue and brown fur everywhere. Chewbacca looks like he has the upper hand and is about to rip the arms off of Hank McCoy, but Ka-Zar and Zabu jump in and save Beast. Ka-Zar drives his spear into Chewy’s shoulder and pins him to the ground as Zabu bites into the Wookie’s neck, killing him. As Ka-Zar pulls his spear out of Chewy, Indiana Jones uses his whip and snatches it out of Ka-Zar’s grasp. This then allows the Flaming Carrot to bounce in on his atomic pogo stick and wrap Ka-Zar’s head in silly putty, which suffocates the Savage Land native. Zabu lunges at Indiana, but at the last second he lifts Ka-Zar’s spear and plunges it into the saber tooth tiger, right before it lands on him. The Sand Troopers continue to fight of the Compys, already killing Compys #29-32, 41, 44-50 and 70. However Sand Troopers #2, 6 and 18 have been bitten too badly and die from the Compy venom. Giant Man then comes thundering in, stepping on Sand Trooper #10, Sardakaur #1, and even Compys #33-36. The 12 Arachnids, who start firing their weapons on the large Avenger, then attack him. Pym then slaps his massive hand down and squashes Arachnid #7-9. “These bugs are bugging me,” Giant Man mumbles to himself. The Arachnids start climbing all over him, firing their guns, as Giant Man crushes them one by one. He finally kills the last Arachnid, but topples over due to the blood loss from the bullet holes. Beta Ray Bill flies in and put Hank Pym out of his misery with a well placed hammer to the back of his head. The combined efforts of the Ancient Sith Lords, Mandalorians, and Sand Troopers are able to finish off the Compys, but loose Mandalorians #8 and 9, and Ancient Sith Lord #13 in the process. Super Skrull leads his team of War Skrulls who all have been altered with the powers of several members of Team Sleeping Pussy towards the Ancient Sith Lords. Super Skrull stretches his arm and wraps it around Ancient Sith Lord #8 and then torches him with his fire. War Skrull #1 uses his optic blasts (Cyclops) to knock the lightsaber out of Ancient Sith Lord #10’s hand and then uses his sonic scream (Banshee) to explode his head. War Skrull #2 and 3 are cut down quickly by Ancient Sith Lord #9 before they can use their powers. Super Skrull then turns invisible as Ancient Sith Lords #11 and 12 rush him. Ancient Sith Lord #12 is all of a sudden smashed into the sand by Super Skrull’s invisible rock fist. War Skrulls #1, 4 and 5 the slowly start closing in on the last two Ancient Sith Lords but are Force pushed away. War Skrull #5 is Force choked to death by Ancient Sith Lord #9. Binary and Vision both fly in and take out the Ancient Sith Lords with amazing efficiency. Barry Sanders then runs in and scoops up a lightsaber. He zigs and zags through the Skrulls, duck and dodging all of their attacks. He then amazingly cuts down both remaining War Skrulls and then decapitates Mr. Joshua, who probably didn’t even feel the pain involved with such an injury. (Obviously Barry Sanders has a high midi-chlorian count. No normal human can move the way he does.) Team Sleeping Pussy’s Field General Khan Noonien Singh orders his team to continue their assault on Built Ford Tough. Female Sentinels #1 and 2 take off and start blasting down at the Sand Troopers below. They take out Sand Troopers #1, 4, 5, 11-15, and 22-25. The three remaining Mandalorians, using their jetpacks, blast off after the Female Sentinels. They all land on Female Sentinel #1 and use their blasters to destroy the robot. It plummets to the ground, slamming into the sand, killing Sand Trooper #20 and 21 and Steve McQueen, who was really wishing he had a motorcycle or some sort of car at the time. The Mandalorians take off after Female Sentinel #2, but she incinerates Mandalorian #6 with her powerful laser blasts. General Solo orders the remaining Sand Troopers to concentrate all firepower on Female Sentinel #1. This draws the Sentinel’s attention; she blasts Sand Troopers #3, 16, 17, and 19. Beta Ray Bill who uses his hammer, Stormbringer, to send a lightning bolt right through her head, finally takes her down. The Mandalorians come flying in to attack the remaining X-Men, but Cloak (otherwise known to some in the FFL as Clock) appears out of nowhere and allows them to fly right into the “darkness dimension.” Dagger then throws several of her “light daggers” into the Flaming Carrot. Han Solo blasts her right between the eyes, which then sends Cloak over the edge. He screams in agony and unleashes his cloak, causing it to completely engulf Han Solo, an injured Beast and the remaining Sand Troopers. However at the last second, Indiana Jones flings his whip into the black abyss of Cloak and pulls Han Solo to safety. “Now I owe you one,” quips Han. Fantastic Max, F.X. and A.B. finally decide to get in the fight. “Dirty diapers!” exclaims Max. “Yes I see that Max, you’ve been rolling around in the sand this entire time,” A.B. fires back. Fantastic Max then pulls F.X.’s pull string on his back, which cause his antennas to spin around and F.X. shouts “Rock and Roll!” The ground begins to shake and then without warning a Sandworm comes exploding out of the sand. It jumps into the air swallows Angel, who was flying high above. It then comes crashing back down into the sand, taking Cloak with him. “When did we get a Sandworm?” asks a confused Han Solo. “When the hell did they get a Sandworm?!” shouts Khan. “They don’t. I’m sensing that it’s being created by that little child’s green alien friend,” replies Jean Grey. She then uses her telekinesis to grab F.X. and pull him in, allowing Khan to rip him in half. The Sandworm disappears. Vision then flies in and painlessly kills Fantastic Max and dismantles A.B. Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Barry Sanders then regroup and form behind Beta Ray Bill who stands firmly in front. Mothra takes flight towards then remaining members of Built Ford Tough, but is hit by a massive sandstorm created by Beta Ray Bill. Knowing that she is going to die soon, Mothra emits a yellow poisonous powder that covers the last members of Built Ford Tough. Barry Sanders tries to out run it, but eventually chokes to death from the powder. Mothra crashes into the sand and dies. Han Solo and Indiana Jones are having major difficulties breathing due to the poisonous powder. But regardless of that, they fight on. They are finally taken down by the combined efforts of Cyclops, Binary and Super Skrull. Beta Ray Bill in what is surely to go down as one of the most heroic last stands charges towards Team Sleeping Pussy and attacks them with a fury only known to the gods. He manages to crush Khan and Super Skrull, but Jean Grey’s psychic attack, coupled with Cyclops and Binary’s blasts are just too much for even him to withstand. Vision, comes up behind him and ends his suffering by phasing his hand into Bill’s head and causing an aneurysm.

TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!