Outgoing President Barack Obama and Pansexual Spokesperson Miley Cyrus' “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are Azeem: The Great One (w/ Qui Gon Jinn's green lightsaber), Frank Poole, Nichole Des Jardins-Wakefield, Dora the Explorer w/ Boots, Backpack, and The Map, Diego w/ Baby Jaguar, The Spice Girls: Mel B, Mel C, Victoria, Emma, and Geri, Gungan #49 & 50, Boil Over Becks, Ewok Child #9, and Doozer #9.
Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are Romeo (w/ a green lightsaber), Juliet, Sea-Man, Zombie Kyle Houslander, Black Lantern Zachary Houslander, Molar: The Eternian Dentist, Southpark Crew: Kyle, Stan, Eric, and Kenny, and REAL Man.
In all my nine years of FFL Watching, never have I seen 150 combined points with this much potential. Trained killing machines, is really the only way to describe the host of characters crammed into the covered porch in front of my own home. Many Season 1 FFL veterans have trained for nine full years just for this very moment. That final moment, when these weathered soldiers will achieve the honor of dying on a dusty porch in Canton Michigan.
Nichole Des Jardins-Wakefield has painstakingly attempted to put together a plan of attack, in preparation for this battle; but The Commandos soon realize that Dora was right all along. No plan can be put together for a battle like this. This is a brawl, and plans go out the window quick when a brawl breaks out. Nichole attempts to jump into the fray early by grabbing a hold of Kenny, whom science has told her (and me) that he must be the first person to die in this match (it is after all the rules). “OH MY GOD, SHE KILLED KENNY”!! His childhood friends scream in unison as she picks him up, kicks open the screen door that refuses to latch properly and tosses him into the lava. But alas, Kenny was quick enough to wrap the string of his hoodie tightly around the wrist of Nichole, who is then yanked into the lava with Kenny, joining him in death.
Molar: The Eternian Dentist, grabs his cell phone and calls his financial adviser to let him know he needs funds diverted to his retirement account, as soon as he sees the Spice Girls. Like any dentist, he begins to salivate at the sound of any British accent and knows that he can spend the rest of his career working on the five rich Englishwomen. He climbs in the window of Josh's house and sets up shop in the living room, getting to work on Victoria first, while the other four aging Spice Girls play Wii Sports Bowling as they wait. Molar can't help but think how hot these old women probably were back in their prime, and thinks to himself how crappy it is that even rich people in England can't take care of themselves under their third-rate single-payor healthcare system, because these five obviously haven't been good to their bodies. In a rare moment of tourette syndrome induced speech, Molar comments that: “After looking at them up close, maybe now they should all be known as Scary Spice”; so the Spice girls unanimously decide to not find the obvious humor buried within that statement and they instead beat the hell of Molar. His run of the mill Eternian muscular build does nothing for him, as the five women trash Josh's living room (okay, fine it was already a mess (I have like 19 kids give me a break)) whilst violently killing Molar.
The Spice Girls then climb back out of the window to brag to their teammates about the kill they just racked up when Dora yells: “Spice Girls watch out”!! But it is too late as the undead versions of Kyle and Zack begin ripping apart and devouring the Spicy girls. The impressionable youths of what is left of The Southpark gang randomly become cannibals when they see the teenagers doing it first. Kyle, Zack, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman all make about a dozen jokes about how fun they are to eat because “you don't even have to add salt” and “this one already tastes like garlic pepper”. The jokes about them being “spiced” girls get old pretty quick, but it does not stop them from making them over and over again. It isn't until every last bit of spice girl is consumed that Frank Poole gets tired of it all and pulls a gun out of space suit. The bullets don't seem to affect Black Lantern Zack or Zombie Kyle, but they sure do shut up those Southpark brats.
Real Man finally gets teleported to the match late, because he did everything in his power to make sure that he was unable to get to Josh's house. He figured that since he never has once shown up to a draft, or a bbq, and that he sent in his teams only around 30% of the time, that he didn't need to show up to the match he was in either. But us Watchers tracked him down and got him here, just in time to be the next casualty. Dora, who is ecstatic to be reunited with her cousin Diego, whom she hasn't seen since the network thought he was “bigger than the show” and gave him a spin-off yells to her cousin, saying: “Hey Diego, you can handle this tool-box, right”?? Diego replies with “I doubt I even need an active role in this one. BABY JAGUAR!! Pretend like he's Donald Trump”!! Baby Jaguar then leaps onto the chest of REAL Man and bites his jugular vein killing Real Man with ease.
Sea-Man goes swimming in Frank Poole (if ya know what I mean). A strange circumstance of a deviant sexual nature then arises that would be strangely graphic and pretty creepy, yet still very well-written if Arthur C. Clarke was telling this tale; but as anybody who has ever read one of my Fantasy Fantasy matches knows, I am no Arthur C. Clarke; so none of you have to worry about an unusually long fetish paragraph coming up next. Instead it just ends with Sea-Man sending Frank out into the surrounding lava with a fire hose like blast of milky grossness. Boil Over Becks is instantly smitten with his supposed enemy and the two disgusting, crusty creatures fall hopelessly in love with one another. Sea-Man and Boil Over Becks begin violently sucking face and pawing each other in front of everyone. It isn't until the entire porch is brimming with bile and throw-up, from the other combatants on both squads being overtaken with attacks of continuous projectile vomiting that Boil Over Becks and Sea-Man grab a hold of each others hands tightly and leap into the lava together Thelma and Louise style; knowing that the cruel world will never accept them for who they really are.
Juliet claims that Dora was eyeing her man Romeo and begins walking over to the young explorer like she is “all that”. “GIRL, MY MAN AIN'T CHO BABYS' DADDY. THAT S*&T LOOK LIKE A MONKEY ANYHOW”!! Juliet screams as she rushes towards Dora. Dora is about to go into full beserker attack mode, when Boots, who is not the least bit offended by being called a monkey, because he IS a monkey says: “Dora, if you don't mind, this chick isn't even worth your fighting prowess. Allow me”. Boots then leaps onto the wall and spin attacks Juliet with lightning quickness. Backpack begins to work out Boots' lightsaber for him; but he doesn't even need it for this fight. He just wraps his tail around Juliet's ankle to trip her up, and then comes down hard and fast with a well-placed bony-cartoon-monkey-knee to the throat to break Juliet's neck.
“NOOOOOOOOOO, MY LOVE”!! Romeo screams after the death of Juliet.
Romeo then calmly prepares his fiddle-stick in his left hand, while he ignites his green lightsaber in his right and swears to avenge his star-crossed lover by ending The Commandos once and for all. The undead Kyle and Zack are pretty much down for whatever, and line up along with Romeo, prepared to end Dora and her friends for good. But Dora is not alone. Dora is not the type of soldier who would ever ask others to lay down their life, when she could take the fall herself. She would never utter words asking for respect, instead it is her past actions that command said respect. Dora ignites her lightsaber, but before she can leap into action, Azeem ignites the old lightsaber of he and Dora's fellow Season 1 draftmate Master Qui Gon Jinn, while also holding his Saracen sword. He reminds Dora that she has saved his life and that his life now exists only to protect hers.
Azeem speaks to his teammates:
“WOULD YOU LET THESE MEN HURT DORA?!!? DESPITE THEIR POWER WOULD YOU STAND BY AND ALLOW THE GREATEST COMMANDO IN HISTORY TO FALL TO SUCH VILLAINY?!!? WE JOIN TOGETHER TODAY FOR ONE LAST VENTURE. ONE LAST MOMENTOUS OCCASSION. IF YOU WOULD BE COMMANDOS, THAN FIGHT. FIGHT AGAINST A TRIO OF MONSTERS WHO WOULD ATTACK A YOUNG GIRL. JOIN ME.......
JOIN DORA THE EXPLORER”!!!!
Backpack and Map both perk up at the idea of somebody attacking their beloved carrier, while Boots still stands prepared to protect Dora. Diego and Baby Jaguar, though newly made teammates to Diego's cousin Dora, traded away from Romeo's very team just minutes before the trade deadline owe Dora their fame, their T.V. Show, and their skills. They too stand ready to defend the soldier who's skills as a killer most likely do not need defending. The last two remaining Gungans of the once “Grand Gungan Army” of The Commandos remind Dora that they too have life debts to the heart and soul of The Commandos. Ewok Child #9 and Doozer #9 stand prepared as well. And as soon as Azeem said his last word they all rushed the trio of Romeo, Kyle, and Zachary.
Dora on the other hand seems to be in a surreal trance. She knows that the end for the Commandos is here, and that it is destiny for her to end with them. Why else would she get the start in this multi-death match, if she and her friends from the start would not also share an end. Her trance is almost catatonic as she watches the battle unfold around her. Mere seconds seem like hours as she watches people needlessly achieve the death that was meant for her and that she knows will be upon her shortly. The vicious undead versions of Kyle and Zack rip apart the Ewok baby and Doozer, before they each feast on one of the brains of the last remaining Gungans. Azeem engages in a pitched-battle (Becks shout out)/double sword fight with Romeo; but Azeem breaks away from the battle when he sees Black Latern Zack flying in fast towards Dora. While Azeem goes for the Black Lantern; Diego, Boots, and Baby Jaguar converge on the much larger Zombie Kyle and begin hacking away at the walker until Boots finishes him off with a lightsaber through the throat. Azeem: The Great One throws a makeshift mortar of explosive black powder at Zack and then takes out the semi-blinded black lantern with a double swing of his lightsaber and Saracen blade.
But as the two undead brothers fall, it is at that moment that the entire Commando squad turns to see their nightmare about to come to fruition. Their beloved captain Dora, who has seemingly embraced her inevitable death has been knocked to the ground. She lay flat on her back, while she stares up at Romeo with his lightsaber ready to deal the killing blow.
“Such sweet Sorrow” says Romeo as he begins his soliloquy. He raises up his lightsaber and smirks as he finishes with: “And when she shall die, cut her in to little stars... And she shall make the face of heaven so fine; that all the world will be in love with night”...... But Dora sees her heartbroken fellow Commandos out of the corner of her eye and smirks up at Romeo as she says: “Ehh, sounds good. Maybe later” while she catapults herself up between Romeo's legs and catches a lightsaber thrown from Boots to stab Romeo through the chest in one swift motion.
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