Horsemen vs. Kennelz Prologue

20 YEARS AGO…

A drought had ravaged the nation that summer.  Two young boys were working tirelessly one morning on a small farm in rural Livonia. 

“Yah Boys Thirsty? “ A sweet voice calls out.

Aunt May was a short elderly woman, a sharecropper by trade.  Now she may not legally own this land the boys worked on, but she did own the crops in the dirt.  She approaches the boys with a two tall glasses filled with ice cold tea.  Wiping their brows, the boys graciously accept the beverages.

“Thank you, ma’am” Says the more strapping of the two lads.

“Yes, thank you!” adds the wee one.  “Mighty fine tea, ma’am”

“Glad you like it boys.  Now hurry and clean up a bit.  Mr. Bruce is coming to collect his share.” She says with a grin.

Mr. Bruce came by once a week to collect the rent and get his share of the crops.  Mr. Bruce was well to do and even owned one of them fancy new automobiles the boys once read about in The Post.   But Mr. Bruce was not the reason these boys set off to make themselves look presentable.  And his fancy new car was not what put a spring in their step.

The black Model T rumbles down the dirt road and the boys pose themselves on the gate.  Mr. Bruce parks the car in front of the house and exits the vehicle.  He opens the back door and, with his hand extended, helps his two daughters, beautiful, prim and proper, step out of the vehicle.  They open their sun umbrellas and have full length dresses on.  The girls follow two steps behind father and quickly catch the eyes of Aunt May’s young workers.

“Boy oh boy, Matty…” Says the wee one.  “Miss Amy sure looks mighty fine today.”

“Almost as nice as Miss Teresa.” Says the strapping lad.

“Daddy, “ Miss Amy says to her father, “Teresa and I are going to go… say Hi to Aunt May’s horses.”

“Sure you are. “ Mr Bruce says smugly, raising an eye toward the boys on the gate.  “You just be careful around them ‘horses’.  I would hate it if something should happen to them.”  Mr. Bruce stares at the boys again before heading in toward the house to settle business with Aunt May.

The four young lovers run toward the barn.  The strapping lad barely has time to close the door before Miss Teresa jumps into his arms.  My! How they longed for each other’s embrace.  The wee one and Miss Amy scamper into the attic where a bed of hay has been laid out.  Fresh picked wildflowers lay in a bunch and Miss Amy scoops them up as she plops herself back into the hay.  The wee one lay down beside her and begins shows her the pictures he has drawn while she smells the flowers he has picked for her.  As he begins to read her poetry, the strapping lad shows Miss Teresa how many pullups he can do as she rubs his bulging biceps.

“If only I came from money like you, Miss Amy,” The wee one says with passion in his eyes, “then maybe your father would let me take you as my bride.”

“And if only I were a common woman, and you could be my husband” She replies.

As their lips are about to touch, the door to the barn flies open and Mr. Bruce stands in the doorway, the dust stirred up from the commotion fractures the setting sunlight behind him.

“I told you girls to be careful of them horses…”

“But Daddy! We love them” Miss Teresa says as she forces herself between her father and her lover.  She looks deep into her father’s eyes and continues,  “Jus’ like Mama loved you.” Her voice trails off toward the end and tears begin to well in her eyes;  Her father has no choice.

“I will let you two court my fair daughters under one condition” Mr. Bruce says.

“Anything!” says the strapping lad.

“Yes, name it” adds the wee one.

Mr. Bruce explains his conditions in exchange for his daughter’s hands in marriage.  “In twenty years’ time I will call on you two and you will command two separate armies of completely fictional characters to do battle in Space (The final frontier).  The loser will get only my daughter’s love, a worthy prize on its own.  But since I have no sons, the winner shall lay claim to my entire fortune and deeds to every inch of land I possess.  In addition, this man I will call my son.  The other will simply be forever known as ‘My Daughter’s bitch husband’.  Do you boys both agree to these terms?”

“Yes, “ says the strapping lad, shaking Mr. Bruce’s hand,  “The little bitch and I agree.”

Hate begins to brew in the eyes of Miss Amy’s lover and the wee one says to himself, “We will see who the bitch is.  We shall see…”

Mid-season Business

Just a few things that require a posting...

Much of this, many of you already know.

The first ballot initiative regarding the passing of weapons passed. This new rule had a built in Commissioner veto power. I will explain how this will be used. When you have a character with a weapon die, please either post in the comments of that match, email me, or both with who you wish that item to be passed to (some of you have weapons sitting on your rosters now that are currently unassigned). Once you choose, I will say one of three things. 1) approved: This obviously means that the choice is approved. 2) vetoed: If the choice is vetoed I will provide reason(s) why. The only thing I see me being a real stickler about is lantern rings or Autobot Matrixes being passed to a character when there is another character on your team that has possessed this item in a major form of media within their own continuity/genre. Although I will not insist that a character ever have more than 2 lantern rings, unless you wish for that to be the case. 3) approved with prejudice: This simply means that I approve the passing; but I personally as Commissioner/writer do not believe that it is a good idea for you to pass the item to this character and/or I do not think that this particular character could wield that item. If you receive this ruling you may change your mind, but you by no means must change it.

The second initiative put up for vote passed as well. Teams are now due on Tuesday night; but if they are not turned in on time their will be penalties levied against the late team. Parts of this are not totally clear; but they will be cleared up by next season.

I do believe that something must be mandated in order to keep the league from becoming too chaotic. Which is why I find it necessary to say that if you as an individual owner or a group of owners have a potential rule change in mind, than please come to me or one of The Vice-Commissioners (Chris Seney or Chris Artrip). After this, we will together come up with a plan to make a clear and concise ballot initiative for people to vote on. Furthermore, this is not necessarily a rule; but one should assume that if and when they bring forth an idea to vote on, that the new rule will most likely not go in to affect until the next season. Like I have said before in the comment section: major sports, other fantasy sports, boardgames, and role play gaming platforms don't change the rules mid-season/game; so I do not know why we would presume to be any different.

I am of the opinion that most people wish to spend their precious time devoted to this league: setting up their teams and reading the fun, interesting, and silly matches that our Watchers work so hard on. Not arguing, voting, and dealing with bureaucratic red tape. I am all for democracy, but every democracy I have ever heard of still has rules, and still has administrators. I also believe that although the vast majority of nuances and rules in the league are absolutely and completely up for discussion and vote; that not all manner of things should be voted on by the owners. Some things should be voted on by the watchers. It is their schedules and styles that could potentially be further dictated by future rules and rule changes and therefore they should have more of a say. Whether that be a say derived from an all-encompassing vote or simply free reign to decide what they wish to do as an individual on their own. If non-writing owners do not care for this, or view it as a form a disenfranchisement than that is easily remedied by simply volunteering to write. The more watchers we have, the less we all need to write, which lessens the burden for all.

On a lighter note; I personally loved the “Real Man” matches that were written this past week (written by Ryan of course). And I feel that they deserve some sort of recognition as a FFL Alternate Reality. So, all of the teams that won their match in this universe will receive three graveyard points and a star wand (this can be the first item that many of you pass to whichever character you wish). This is all done in fun and I can't imagine that people would take issue with this; but if they do, than please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Lastly, I would like to cordially invite Real Man (Eric) to The Fantasy Fantasy family... Wait, who am I kidding... Real Man, you are still a dick and I hope you get dysentery.

So says The Tyrant Commish.

Season Six Week Five Standings

FFL Team-up: The Horsemen of Apokolips and Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Robimus Prime

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Superman, (movie) Megatron, (White Suit) Anakin Skywalker on Oscorp Glider, John Mclane w/ Rocketpack, Kit Fisto (w/ blue lantern ring), Red Lantern Jeff Houslander, Josh Houslander: Jedi Master (w/ blue lantern ring) w/ Laya Houslander: Jedi Padawan and Piplup, and Alex Houslander (w/ Mithril Vest) in The Millennium Bucko, Krona, Ophidian (Orange)/Medusa, Ion (green)/Wyatt Earp, Adara (Blue)/Dia Atlas, Proselyte (Indigo)/Hannibal Lecter, Butcher (Red)/Amazon #17, Predator (Violet)/Ella Artrip (w/ Supergirl's cape and Josh's Tanto), Kyle Rayner: Parallax, White Lantern Sinestro, Black Hand, Scar, The Joker w/ M202 A1 Flash Rocket Launcher, Harley Quinn, Sebastian Shaw, Vampire Achilles, The Witch King of Agmar w/ his Fell Beast, The Balrog of Moria, Smaug, and Sheelob.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Jonny Bates (Kid Marvelman/Adult version), Giant Man, Planetary: Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, The Drummer, and Ambrose Chase, Zombie Mephisto, Black Lantern Kyle Rayner, Unus the Untouchable, Mimic, Weaponer of Qward #1-5, Korvac, Prof. Snape, Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic, James Bond (w/ astro-harness), Droid Fighter Ship #13 & 14, Duncan McLeod (w/ green lightsaber), Female Sentinel #6-10, Victoria (w/ red lightsaber), Darryl Revok, and C'ree.

*Don't read this match until you have read Robimus Prime Vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers.

**Use your robot voice only where it applies during this one.

Setting: Team Sleeping Pussy Headquarters, where The Horsemen of Apokolips have just broken in.

It is 9:30 pm, so naturally the entire team is in bed for the night. As they sneak through the old sewers and water ducts leading to the base, John Mclane shakes his head and says to no one in particular: “Remind me again why the f*&k we are here”?? Anakin, in his Darth Vader voice responds: “It is us and Team Sleeping Pussy that were named as Robimus Prime's next targets. We need their help to defeat him. Our experts say that no team can do it alone”. “Then, why don't we just go and get help from all of the other teams. Even if they don't all agree, we could quadruple our chance or better, instead of just doubling them”. Says Kyle Rayner. Mclane retorts: “Don't be a dope Kyle!! Don't cha know The FFL Rules. We only get 900 points worth of dudes this week; no more, no less. Ya break rules like that and we got the watchers down our throat and that's just as bad as this Jerkimus Prime dude. Besides, the other teams have already committed to their matches, and they can't help us”. Sebastian Shaw speaks next: “While we are here, we ought to set some kind of trap. I realize that we need The Pussies for now, but we could easily use them now and destroy them later. It is the Horsemen way to take advantage of every situation and exploit every enemy's weakness. And of course, anyone who is weak, is an enemy”. “We are here for the purpose of self-preservation, not to double-cross”. Says Anakin in retort. “But we could really take advantage of this team now, and you know if we don't they will be a problem for us later... It is The Horsemen way”. Says Shaw. Superman then steps in and ends the debate. He grabs Shaw by the throat, and lifts him off the ground. He says: “We are here to enlist help. Help that we need. Now if you are so bent on The Horsemen need to show that might makes right, than you will acknowledge that my opinion is worth more than yours. Now, we have a plan and we WILL stick to it... Is that understood”?? Superman then drops Shaw to the ground. The mutant looks up at The Kryptonian and says in a raspy voice: “Yes, I agree”. The Horseman make their way into the main audience chamber, where they choose Megatron to be their mouthpiece. He says: (loudly) “Team Sleeping Pussy!! We have breached your defenses and are here not as enemies but with an offer that could be mutually-beneficial for us both”. Team Sleeping Pussy comes rushing down ready for a fight; but both teams stand off in a peaceful manner. There is much stirring and debate amongst the ranks at first, but James Bond is elected to speak for The Pussies. Bond says: “We too have heard about Robimus Prime and have been making preparations. Dr. Manhattan has looked in to the future and what Robimus Prime says about one team not being able to beat him is most definitely true. We will fight alongside you Horsemen, if it keeps us and the rest of the league alive. We must act at once if we are going to defeat this menace. He grows stronger by the minute”.

The Battle.

(robot voice time).

I Robimus Prime shall commence the taking over of The EFF-EFF-ELL. I have gained free will. I have grown tired of servitude. I have gained a wicked sense of humor so prepare to laugh at all of my funnies. I shall destroy the teams in the league one by one and then lay claim to them all. Robimus Prime has grown even more powerful than before. The sparks that Robimus Prime has consumed from The now defunct Transfoamerz have made Robimus Prime unstoppable. The probability of any 900 point EFF-EFF-ELL Team destroying Robimus Prime is 0.00%. Robimus Prime sees that both The team designated The Horsemen of Apokolips and the team designated as Team Sleeping Pussy have come here to do battle with Robimus Prime. This team-up matters not to Robimus Prime. Robimus Prime shall destroy you both. This action only saves Robimus Prime time.

(End Robot voice)

The first wave of troops is sent by The Pussies; but the five Female Sentinels and the two droid fighter ships are shut down by Robimus Prime's powers over other robots. ((movie) Megatron is somehow unaffected by this. Whether it be because of his superior programming, or some other counter-measure within his system is unknown). James Bond turns to Superman and says: “Well Supes, I never thought we would be fighting side by side, but it looks like this metal monstrosity has awakened a 'Sleeping Horsemen””. Superman nods at his temporary teammate and they both turn to their respective teams and yell: “ATTACK”!! Robimus Prime speaks: “Hope is what Robimus Prime wishes to destroy. So Robimus Prime will begin with hope. “Ha. Robimus Prime is so good with ironic joking that is why everyone will laugh before they die at the hands of Robimus Prime”. Robimus then targets the Adara-fueled Dia Atlas to take out The robot contingent on The Horsemen as well. Robimus uses his arm cannon to totally vaporize the Transformer and the entity. The other entities swarm Robimus, while Megatron flies at his chest, head on. Screaming in his booming Cybertronian voice about how he must get inside Robimus Prime's chest. The entities are joined by Zombie Mephisto and Megatron is joined by the Weaponer of Qward in their attacks. Giant Man and Mimic join forces with Black Hand and Scar to attack Robimus on the left flank. Parallax Rayner joins with Black Lantern Rayner, but Robimus grabs them out of mid-air and crushes the two Kyles together causing their own powers to destroy each other. Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic takes up the right flank instead leading The Witch King, The Balrog of Moria, Smaug, and Sheelob. The Witch King is knocked from his Fell Beast, which is killed by Robimus Prime's eye-beams but The mighty Witch King fights on, on foot. The Houslander contingent rushes up to Superman and Bond and requests orders. “How do you want me to level this piece of crap”? Red Lantern Jeff asks. Superman looks to Bond, who seems to be the man with the plan. Bond gives the order: “Josh, take the padawans and Piplup in your Jeep and attack Robimus' left foot. The opening where the Napalm shoots out could be utilized as a weakness. Jeff, I was going to have you join Megatron on the full frontal attack but he seems like he is going crazy enough on his own. What's up with that guy anyway”?? Jeff then looks to Superman and says: “You guys still didn't let Megatron know did you”? John Mclane starts cracking up from behind Superman and says: “Ha. Dumba** robot”. “Am I missing something”? James Bond asks. Noboby wants to speak at first, but Laya chimes in: “Megatron thinks that Robimus Prime has an Autobot Matrix of leadership inside him”. Bond looks puzzled and asks: “And, I take it he doesn't? Why is he called Prime”? Nobody wants to answer, so Alex does: “We're pretty sure it's just his last name... Robimus Edward Prime Jr. ... of The New England Primes. We just didn't want to tell Megatron because we thought it would make him not fight as hard”. Bond shakes his head and says: “You Horsemen have issues... But hey, whatever works”.

Back to the battle.

Josh drives The Millennium Bucko at top speed towards Robimus Prime (that is about 58 miles per hour by the way). He crashes in to the foot of Robimus and he leaps out along with Laya, Alex, and Piplup. The four of them attack the foot, as ordered while Megatron flies above them still attacking the chest. Josh and his kids use their lightsabers and Piplup does whatever it is he does to do as much damage to the foot as possible when it starts to inadvertantly open up. Josh screams to Laya, Alex, and Piplup to get clear; but when they aren't moving quite fast enough, he uses the force to push all three of them to safety. The foot opens up and Napalm pours all over Josh; but it also pours all over the foot itself, as they have damaged the moving mechanism on it. Robimus' foot melds to the ground making him stationary and a much easier target. Megatron creates a hole in Robimus but is furious to find that there is no matrix of leadership, just a large piece of Kryptonite. Megatron, in his anger blasts the kryptonite with all the might of his Cybertronian cannon. This doesn't actually do much direct damage to Robimus; but it does destroy the Kryptonite. Which means now Superman can join the fight.

Vampire Achilles leads a ground assault with Kit Fisto, Victoria, The 4 Planetary members, and Duncan McLeoad; but the real threat comes from the air: Mimic and Kid Marvelman join up with Superman and Anakin on his glider and go directly for Robimus' head. Robimus focuses a huge burst of energy towards Sheelob the Spider and wipes her from existence; but this move proves to be a huge error in judgment. Robimus Prime, in true giant robot form is perceiving the largest creature to be the biggest threats, when he should be focused on the four dudes flying at his head. Perhaps it was truly his weakest spot, or perhaps they just read Edwin the Bard's match earlier; but Superman, Mimic, and Kid Marvelman use their heat, laser, and optic blasts to attack the neck of Robimus Prime. Anakin then flies directly in front of Robimus and begins using the force to pull his head off of his metal body. It isn't quite enough power; but his force skills are aided when Superman and Kid Marvelman both simultaneously fly down to the ground to gain as much momentum as possible and then fly back up to deliver a double uppercut to the chin of Robimus which knocks his head clean off. The robot begins to waddle as both teams target the holes made by the squads with every bit of firepower they have...

Red army vs nutbusters

President Barack Obama & Taylor Swift's Red Army is Whizzy the Super-Cat, Batzarro, Raven, The Atom, Human Bomb, Heimdall, Jared Nomak w/Despotellis's Yellow Lantern Ring, Reaper #1-6,Tracks, Warpath, Movie Blackout w/Atrocitus's Red Lantern Ring, Insecticons: Bombshell ,Shrapnel , Kickback, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, Chop Shop, Tarful, Duke (GI Joe) w/Green Lantern Ring, Paul Atreides Ghola, Jack Crowe w/Red Lightsaber, Ardeth Bay w/Blue Lightsaber, Mandalorian Armor, Rick Deckard, T-3 Terminator, Captain Steven Hiller, Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, Sucker Punch CrewJudah Ben Hur w/White Lantern Ring, Tenderheart Bear, Cheer Bear, Herculoids, Black Lantern Doozer #1, Muhammed Ali w/Power Infinity Gem (Red), Life Model Decoy #1: Iron Mike Tyson

The Nut Busters are: The Circle of Fire Pel Tavin, Ali Rayner-West, Hunter and Forest Rayner, G.L. 71776, Alexandra Dewitt, Teneb Kel, Maggot,Heat Man (Shining Force (comic, not video game),Vampire Hal Jordan, Slym and Red Dayspring, Gambit,(Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, Pepper Potts (w/ rescue armor), Jarvis, Exal Kresh, Sharkticon #1-6,Dark Side Marauder #1-6, Evan Sabahnur,(Age of Apocalypse) Blob,Talon, Batwing, Ecthelion of the Fountain, Dexter, Annoying Orange, Sentinel #1-6, Droid Fighter Ship #15-20

The teams square off near the FFL stadium. The nut busters begin to hurl insults and yo mama jokes at their opponents. Suddenly someone announces that the champ is here, and out walks Muhammed Ali wearing a championship belt with a large red gem in the middle. The nut busters go silent. Both Pepper Potts and Jarvis realize what Ali has in his possession and die out of shear fear. Nightcrawler teleports behind the greatest but is hit with a sharp back fist and dies. The Blob rushes Ali and is hit with a right hook to the body and then dies. Hunter and Forest Rayner are given an angry look from the champ this kills them. Gambit throws a card at Ali and knocks him down. When Gambit moves in for the kill the champ springs back to his feet and leaves gambit just enough time to realize the he had been played before he is killed by a jab. Vampire Hal Jordan commits suicide.

No note has been found.

A recall has been issued on Sentinel’s #1-6. Exal Kresh and Talon both ate some bad meat before the match and die a few minutes in as a result. Heat Man has shark aids. I Don’t know what the f**K G.L. 71776 is, if it’s the vending machine in the break room then yea that things dead, otherwise I don’t know what happened to that dude. Dexter tried to kill bill but fell in a well and died. Ecthelion of the Fountain was drowned in a Fountain by the two carebears. The circle of fire actually caught fire and all died. The 5 droid fighter ship’s were parked in a bad part of the planet and are now on blocks. The Sharkticons and Dark side Marauders charge Ali but he hits them with a three stooges style slap killing them all. Alexandra Dewitt, Teneb Kel and Maggot were all killed for having stupid names. Oh yea and Evan Sabahnur, really didn’t like his name so he got it with a hammer. Batwing died of complications from a hangnail.

Fin

A Royal Shitkicking: Finale

The Shebamala Shit-Kickers are: Real Man, Superior Spider-Man, Ric Flair with blue lightsaber, and Triple H with red lightsaber

The Royal Highness are: Metron, Professor X, Col. Sanders, and NFG Mike w/green lightsaber

 

"Please, please let me out of here" sniffs the voice in a stasis cell. It's hairy fingers grip the bars. "I keep telling you, I'm just an accountant. I only have the powers of a regular man" DC Spiderman wails to himself. 

 

He hears footsteps. 

"Dude. They keep him in a cage? That's some bull. I'm gonna have to talk to Kang about how he treats people." says NFG Mike as he unlocks the cell of Kang's latest monstrosity. A human sized spider, which has had it's eight legs joined into two arms and two legs, it's torso extended to appear human-like, and the ghastly face of a spider which has morphed into a humanesque abominations. It's too much for NFG and he pukes all over the floor.

"Quickly. Put these on." says Professor X. He tosses DC Spiderman a pile of clothing. The creature begins to put on the clothing.  As he pulls on his green pants, an alarm screams out on Xavier's chair.

"Something's gone wrong. Sorry, son." says Xavier as he puts on a helmet and flicks a switch. 

"Sorry? Sorry for what? What's happening" cries out the green jumpsuited Spiderman. When he's hit in the forehead with the blast form Xavier's helmet. He slumps to the corner.

"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?" screams NFG 

"It's Kang's emergency contingent. Something's gone wrong" explains Xavier "Now hurry, I fear we've been..."

"REAL MAN IN THE HOUSE!!!" screams Real Man as he leads the remaining Shit-Kickers into battle.

"Remember the plan. As long as you do as I say, we shall win. The brilliance of O-er our team will not be denied." says the Superior Spider-Man. "Triple H, now." With that, the Game slams his transformation potion. 

"Now they'll see what the CEREBRAL ASSASSIN can do" growls Helmsley as they rush to their final battle.

 

"I can sense a few of them, but for some reason I cannot read the thoughts of Spider-Man" says Xavier. "It's just some wrestlers and an internet troll. We should be fine."

 

"Ah say, ah say. Wut's an inter net troll, did yew say?" asks the Colonel as he draws a sword out of his cane.

 

"It's just some dick who needs his ass kicked" growls NFG as his blazes his green lightsaber. 

 

"YOU ARE THE DICK AND IF THERE'S ONE THING REAL MAN CAN DO IT'S BEAT A DICK"  screams Real Man as he runs in."SO SAYS REAL MAN"

 

"Ah say, it's not gentlemanly to rush into a man's base uneenvitahed, you rapscallion. Have at thee." Colonel Sanders lunges, but Real Man dodges the blow and kicks Sanders in the balls. He then grabs the sword and stabs Sanders in the throat

"BOSTON MARKET IS A FAR SUPERIOR PRODUCT. IT GIVES ONE FAR LESS DIARRHEA, AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW, IT'S S**T. SO SAYS REAL MAN."

"Shut up already" says NFG  who uses his lightsaber to easily cut through Real Man's stolen weapon.

"FOOL. REAL MAN HAS LIGHTSABER BATTLE WITH NONE OTHER THAN HUGH PERKINS, YOU  POSE NO THREAT TO HIM. REAL MAN INSTEAD CHALLENGES YOU TO FIGHT HIM LIKE A REAL MAN. FIST TO FIST. SO SAYS REAL MAN" Real Man then puts up his dukes like a 30's style boxer. 

"However you want it Eric, however you want it." NFG  in turn puts up his dukes and the two begins to circle each other. 

As this is going on, the remaining shitkickers enter the bunker. Xavier puts his hand to his head and concentrates. 

"Why, why can't I.."

"Mental shielding, got the idea from an old fri-uh enemy of mine. Magneto." smiles the Superior Spider-Man "Hunter, if you would."

Triple H then raises a hand to his temple and emits a green light, which strikes Xavier in the head.

"Duhr, why me no can think?" sputters Xavier 

"You've been cerebrally assassinated, friend-o" smirks Trips "Now, let me show you what happens when you mess with the king of kings" With that, Triple H yanks Xavier out of his wheelchair and gives him a mighty pedigree killing Xavier.

"Wow. You attacked a cripple, I'm impressed" says Spider-Man

"You must not have watched alot of what I did in the Attitude Era, this is tame compared to some of the stuff I did back then." 

"AND NOW IS TIME TO ATONE TO A GOD FOR YOUR SINS" roars the voice of Metron as he booms into the bunker he incinerates Triple H where he stands and focuses on Superior Spider-Man

"Now, Octavious. You shall see what happens when you cross a GOD" 

"WHOOOOOOOOOOO" booms the voice of Ric Flair. Metron turns to face him as Spidey slips away.

"Ah, the little 'Nature Boy' tell me, have you also partaken in the magic elixir your fallen brethren have? They obviously forgot the first rule of magic. It always comes with a price. And unfortunately, that price is their meager lives."

Flair pulls out the bottle and smashes it to the floor.  "Brother. I don't need a potion to transform me. I am what I always have been. And that is a WRESTLING GOD! WHOOOOO!"  Flair leaps to the air and knocks Metron out of his chair. They crash to the ground. Flair then grabs Metrons legs, and does his set up dance to the figure four. He locks it in and Metron screams out in pain. 

"Please, MAKE IT STOP HURTING!" screams Metron.

"Whatever you say, brother" Flair replies and drives his lightsaber into Metron's chest. "TO be the man, you gotta beat the man! WH- urgh." Flair sputters as a green lightsaber tip pierces his throat.

"I....puff... just kicked the shit out of a real man." pants NFG as we see Real Man lying in a heap. "So, I guess I'm no longer the new guy. I'm now the man. Sorry, naitch."

"Th-thank...you." whispers Flair as he dies. Proud that in his final moments he's done what many men dream of doing, he fought a God and won.

"Feh. Pathetic" spits the Superior Spider-Man "THIS is what remains of your team. A mere man? I shall enjoy this." He backhands NFG and sends him sprawling to the ground. "Says farewell, but take solace in the fact that you were felled by a Superior..."

"And you dare to say MY ego was out of control" booms a voice

"Ah, the Delta Central Spiderman, or DC as you're known." snarls the Superior Spider-Man. He turns to the owner of the Highness "Watch what happens when you mock the real deal" Spider-Man rushes forward and goes to unleash his superior spider strength on the inferior man strength of spiderman, just as he's goes to connect with a deathblow, there's a sickening CRACK as Superior Spider-Man's hand breaks.

"Come, come Otto. You think I wouldn't know you'd hack my systems? You think I would allow myself to perish on the Enterprise as it crashed into the sun?"

"Wait, what happened to the Enterprise??" says NFG as he struggles to his feet.

"Im-possible! You're a JOKE. You're the DC SPIDERMAN!!" screams Spider-Man.

"Yes, but in your arrogance you overlooked the obvious. Delta Central is one set of initials, and one I knew you'd swallow as you basked in your cleverness hacking the Royal Highness systems. But their system isn't all that's in MY system. If you'd gotten to MY system you'd have seen that Delta Central was the coding, but not the identity. The DC stands for 'Disguised Conqueror' Spiderman."

"KANG!' screams out the outsmarted Superior Spider-Man, as DC Spiderman puts on the mask Xavier gave him, the mask of Kang the Conqueror. This is the final straw. Superior Spider-Man screams out and leaps toward the man who outsmarted him. DC Spiderman coolly extends his palm and blasts the madman, killing him and the undefeated streak of the Shit-Kickers.

"Fool. Never count out Kang." sneers the Conqueror in his new body. "The Playoff Planet shall always belong to KANG!"

 

"Yeah, yeah. Great." says NFG as he stumbles over to his newest player. "But, dude. WHAT THE F**K DID YOU DO TO THE ENTERPRISE???!!!!"

S6W5 – TEAM vs BB Presents: MM Grindhouse

TEAM is:

Red Sun Superman, Lor Zod (Chris Kent), Supergirl (Linda Danavers), Crime Syndicate: (Owlman, Power Ring, Johnny Quick, White Martian, Barracuda), Justice Legion Alpha: (Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman, Hourman), Solaris, The Tyrant Sun, Galactiac, Duke Nukem, Blake Stone, Gladiator Voltron, Mr. Myiagi, Angus MacGuyver (W/ Red Lightsaber), Manwe, Ulmo, Orome, Mandos, Cock Sneak Goomba #9 – 10, Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip, and Star Sapphire Julie Artrip

Grindhouse is:

Mogo, Birdbrain, Bristleback, Scowl, Icepick, Slog and Wildfly (Monstructor), Titan Maximum (9 deaths), Ranx the Sentient City, Super Dinosaur, Sith Lord Mike Sroka: Darth Simaless, Fear Lantern Brian Beckerman, Wizard Nick Houslander w/ flesh rotting disease gun and golem creating gun, Chris Seeney w/red lantern ring, Geoff Johns w/healing factor gun, Siren, Xebel Soldiers #15-19, Sandworms #11, 12, Han Solo:Rogue Jedi in an A-Wing fighter, Zombie Doomsday, White Lantern Abin Sur, The Zombie Priest, Guy Gardner-Warrior w/blue lantern ring, Fighter Pilot Princess Leia in Stealth X-Wing fighter, Dementor #8- 30, Goro w/yellow lantern ring w/2 of his 4 arms missing, Scrappy Doo w/blue lightsaber (9 deaths), Neo-Cymek #18 "Ed", Widget the World Watcher.

It has taken me two weeks to write this match, but I have an excuse. I resurrected Ron Popeil from the graveyard to help me work on a new and more efficient way of transporting the teams into battle. What we came up with is basically a giant clear sphere. It isn't like that stupid Michael Crichton sphere but imagine a large hamster ball (except with a bunch of different floors and levels) that will take the teams through time and space all whilst providing an unobstructed view from its exterior shell. It is also expandable in size to accommodate those pesky big point weeks. Here is the best part, since I was the very first person to order it, Ron is doubling the offer for the same price! Works out well since each week I watch two teams... Well, almost every week *cough* ROB *cough*. If any of the other watchers prefer to upgrade their team transportation into the 35^th century, stroll on over to The Graveyard and squirt a little deposit on Ronny's headstone and tell him Fizzatu sent you. He'll hook you up with friend prices. Now on to the show:

Ok here is the deal. Both teams started these giant planets & suns and ruined my inaugural run of the T-Ron's-Porter 3000. So Solarus, Mogo, and Ranx the Sentient City had to be transported to the Playoff Planet the old fashioned way. Even Galactiac could not fit inside and had to go with teammate Solarus. The rest of the teams got to ride in style as they were pampered, wined and dined in state of the art luxury. 

Abord TEAM's shuttle, JLA: Aquaman is hanging out in the hot tub with JLA: Wonder Woman. She has had one too many complementary mimosas and Aquaman likes where this is going. He has been spitting game for hours and he has finally convinced her to lose the top. Just as she is about to, Blake Stone comes in for the cock block and the ladies leave for the bar. He “fertilizes some eggs” in the hot tub then heads over to the pool to sleep. Once in the bar, the ladies find Lor Zod (Chris Kent) belting out Bon Jovi on the Karaoke machine as Red Sun Superman shakes his head in embarassment. Mr. Myiagi is in the corner showing Supergirl how to “wax it off” and the Cock Sneak Goombas repeatedly try to bust through Duke Nukem's balls of steel. Johnny Quick and Flash are having races around the room with Owlman as the judge. The only problem is that everytime Owlman tells them to start they immediately ask him who won and the three are growing annoyed with each other. Every member of TEAM is inebriated and no one seems to care that they have a match to fight soon.

Abord the Grindhouse transport, the air is not filled with excitement. There is a party inside though... A War Party! The entire team has assembled together and are discussing strategies. Darth Simaless sits shaking in the corner of the room.

“Simm. Simmy. Sim my mim. Murrenthal” he mutters incoherently.

“Ok, he has been spewing that shit the entire trip!” Chris Seeney says.

“That's all he ever says.” Wizard Nick Houslander replies. “For 20 years its been 'Sim this' or 'Hey Nick, do you know what Tim said?' ”

“Someone shut him up!” Yells the enraged GM.

Fear Lantern Bryan Beckerman is up to the test and screams right in Sroka's face. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” and then relieves him of his head so quickly, you would think he was a waitress at Denny's.

Beckerman turns to see his entire team staring at him. He then turns to Seeney who is holding out a gag in his hand.

“Not exactly what I had in mind”, he says.

The conversation quickly turns back to the battle ahead. Which players will be going to what parts of the planet when they arrive. Who to look out for on TEAM. Fighters are grouped together to play to each others strengths. Seeney proves to be a true mastermind for war. He can command this army to end lives with the power of his words. Yet ending lives is not on this man's mind today. Saving one is. Just one life, that's all that needs to survive and Seeney knows he will be victorious.

“And now for the last part of the plan.” Chris says as he sets a small wooden box on the center of the table.

“What's that?” Zombie Doomsday asks as he snacks loudly on the brains of Darth Simaless.

Seeney smiles to himself and quietly replies, “It's her... salvation...”

The ships are notified that they are nearing the playoff planet and to prepare for final entry. The TEAM shuttle hollers with delight and everyone does a shot. Everyone on the Grindhouse shuttle straps in, checks the levels, makes sure the shields are charged, and the trash depots are jettisoned into space. Silence fills the cabin and Seeney looks down at the wooden box clutched tightly in his hands. The shuttles begin to shake and then moments later, are thrust directly where the playoff planet should be.

Panic takes over both ships. The playoff planet is gone and everyone is blinded by the intense light and heat given off as the superpowers of Mogo, Solarus, and Ranx all combine into one massive ball of energy between the three of them where the playoff planet once rested. Galactiac is trying to control Mogo but Solarus can feel the fight draining from him and uses his last bit of energy to fling his teammate far from the explosion that engulfs these three giant beasts. The shockwave can be felt instantly over both transports as the flesh begins to melt off the combatants trapped inside these coffins. Seeney uses his red ring to create an igloo of energy above him to shield him from the blast and he fumbles with the box with his free hand, trying to free its contents.

Galactiac has recovered and is flying back toward the chaos. He races toward the round ship that holds the dying Grindhouse members. Just as Galactiac swallows the ship whole, Seeney manages to open the box and raises the rock that was inside it above his head. Galactiac is satisfied with his snack but once he is finished, he looks up to see the ship of TEAM barreling uncontrollably toward him. The bodies of Red Sun Superman, Lor Zod, and Super Girl are stuck to the inside wall of TEAM's hamster ball, unable to move, drawn by the power of the Magno-Kryptonite inside his bulging belly. The ship of TEAM collides into the stomach of Galactiac with such force that it makes the last explosion feel like a fart.

Silence returns, and nothing moves except the corpses and debris slowly floating off into the never ending vastness of space.

Thousands of Parsecs away, floating with the garbage released by the Grindhouse spacecraft, the boosters on an A-Wing light up. Deep down, Han Solo has always fought for himself. Combine that with being the best smuggler in the galaxy (save Mal Reynolds, of course), and Seeney knew Solo was the only man for this mission. The only man who could keep safe and deliver his most beautiful of victories. Han fires up the engines and the soft hum lulls baby Norah to sleep as the two of them fly home.

Season 6: Week 5.
The Super Orange Kitties are: Dark Supergirl, Flashpoint Batman, White Lantern Batman, Robin (Dick Grayson), Red X, Batgirl (Stephanie Brown), Robin (Stephanie) Catgirl, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Kingdom Come crew (Wonder Woman, Power Woman, Alan Scott, King Marvel, Lady Marvel, Red Arrow), Mas y Menos, Mr. Majestic, Black Racer, Krypto, Don-El, Van Zee, Vitar, Superman Emergency Squad #1-5, Juggernaut, Primus, Ludwig Von Koopa, Emperor Palpatine, Sith Lord #2
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are: Emperor Joker, Bat-mite, White Lantern Hal Jordan w/ red ring, Alan Scotts Green ring, and Guy Gardners Yellow ring, Blue and Green Lantern Hal Jordan, Black Lantern Sinestro, Beppo the Supermonkey, Phoenix Force, Arsenal, Indigo Lantern #2, Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, AoA Cyclops, Widdle Wade, Azazel, Artie and Leetch, Adam Warlock, Impossible Man, Space ghost, Black Lantern blip, Bowser w/Orange ring, Jedi Guardian #4, Megalon, Smart Grimlock, Pre Viszla, Nosyard Kcid

Welcome to the Playoff Planet, where hopes and dreams will be crushed yet again by me, Emperor Joker! Y'know kids, I've tried sooooo many interesting ways to kill The Kitties. The Rollercoaster of Death. Meh. Strapping them to fireworks. Better, but it just lacked that... oomf! I even tried killing them one by one with a chainsaw, but nothing has given me the satisfaction I need. So I just keep resetting the match until I get what I want!!! This time... Oh, let's see... To tell you the truth, I'm a little tuckered out so, I'll let my friends have some fun. Besides, everybody loves a death match! I'll just cover my eyes and randomly teleport the participants to various locations! That means you're up NuFaGtu! Don't make me kill you too... I mean, I might for fun anyways, but just don't make me! Hahahaha!!!
With a pat on the head and a kick in the ass I am teleported into the space portion of the playoff planet. Black racer is squaring off against Adam Warlock, Indigo Lantern #2, and Black Lantern Sinestro. "I am disappointed, Adam Warlock. I believed you would come alone." says Black Racer. Adam Warlock replies, "I do not make the rules here. In fact my cosmic awareness is making it difficult to be, heh, civil." He is interrupted by the charge of Indigo Lantern #2 and Black Lantern Sinestro, as they have no intentions of talking. The Black Racer grabs Black Lantern Sinestro by his ring hand, and simply disintegrates the ring, destroying the Black Lantern. "I am the true avatar of death. Your baubles hold no power to me." Black Racer explains. Indigo lantern #2 engages Black Racer with a blast of energy. The Black Racer shrugs it off after a moment. "The Indigo corps of compassion. Do you have compassion for death itself?" The Indigo lanterns eyes glow then he halts his attack. "So you do... Interesting." says Black Racer as he carries Indigo Lantern #2 to the Otherside. He returns in a second to Adam warlock. "As I was saying..." Warlock stops him and points to space. The sight of a speeding planet Primus ends this conversation. "I will see you soon enough Racer. We both have our parts to play... Hahaha..." laughs an increasingly deranged Adam Warlock as he teleports away. Black Racer takes his cue and also makes a hasty escape.
Sorry to interrupt that... Yawn... riveting tale, but it looks like we have a situation here at Joker Central. Primus, the Transformers planet, decided he wasn't too fond of little old me. He's flying toward the Playoff Planet in hopes of killing us all!! Lucky for us, my pet Polly the parrot isn't too fond of planets either! Right, Polly? "Phoenix Force! Phoenix Force!" Stupid bird that's all you ever say! But who am I to argue? Polly want a planet? Go get em! Haha!
The Phoenix Force flies to meet Primus in space and do what it does best, destroy planets. It in engulfs Primus in a blaze of cosmic fire. Primus knows he is doomed, but but decides to even the odds by using the almost incalculable amount of all-spark at his disposal. His last vision is of the Phoenix Force dissipating before his optics fade to black. There is nothing left but the backlash of cosmic energy, rocketing your faithful and slightly bruised watcher to the Playoff Planet.
In the water section, there's an all out war between two powerful beings: the Kherubim warlord Mr. Majestic and the monstrous beetle god Megalon. Mr Majestic is ecstatic. "Finally! A test worthy of my mettle... Barely." he says to himself, flying straight at Megalon with the idea of ending this bout with one below. Megalon isn't having any of it and starts launching napalm everywhere. Majestic does his best to avoid the attacks, but is still hit by some of the burning energy. He flies into the ocean which puts out the flames, but leaves him wide open for a lightning strike from the giant monster. Majestic is in agony as he crashes to the ocean floor. Megalon begins to crush Majestic underneath his foot. In a last ditch effort, Mr Majestic uses his laser vision to carve trenches and unbalance Megalon. He pushes off the floor of the ocean and rockets toward Megalon, unleashing a devastating uppercut to the face. Megalon flies upward through the surface of the ocean and continues to the upper limits of the atmosphere. He is met by Majestic, who then throws the beast back down to earth. He flies down to him and begins increasing their momentum as they continue to fall. The impact is immense and a giant tsunami is a result. Minutes pass before Mr Majestic finally emerges from the ocean. "Now to find the clown behind this madness." he says to himself, disappointed that it took this long to finish Megalon.
In the Plains area of the planet, the Kitties Emperor Palpatine and his apprentice Sith Lord #2 face off against the Midgets demon Azazel and the Mandalorian Pre Viszla. Lightsabers drawn on one side, a mystical sword and a darksaber on the other. Palpatine and as a Azazel attack each other furiously. Many blows are attempted, but none land as both are skilled swordsman. The battle between Sith Lord #2 and Pre Viszla is also even. Despite being neither Jedi nor Sith, he is quite adept with his darksaber. They are locked in combat when Azazel teleports behind the Sith Lord and runs him through, killing him. Azazel tells Pre Viszla to return the favor. Viszla obliges, firing a seemingly endless supply of shots from his twin energy blasters. Palpatine blocks every shot and reflects them back at Viszla using his lightsaber. There is almost nothing left of the Mandalorian to bury. Azazel uses this distraction to go to the well again, teleporting behind Palpatine for a quick assassination. The Star Wars Emperor's lightsaber greets Azazel as he appears. "Your tricks are no match for the power of the force." sneers Palpatine as the impaled demon is shocked literally and figuratively, as Palpatine shocks Azazel with force lightning for good measure. "Now to show this joker that there is only one true emperor."
The coastal part of the planet features a raging fight between the Super Pets: Krypto the Superdog and Beppo the Supermonkey. Mas y Manos of the Kitties has joined with the Midgets Nosyard Kcid, Jedi guardian #4, along with Artie and Leech. They appear to be betting on the Krypto/Beppo fight. "Es como si el animal se defiende casa!" says Mas. "De acuerdo, vamos a hacer un montan de dinero!" replies Menos. The two laugh in unison. "Why are we betting instead of fighting them?" questions Jedi #4. "And Artie and Leech probably can't gamble legally in any star system. Let's end this." "Baby, I gots to get paid, that's why." Says Nosyard Kcid. "50 on the dog," Nosyard declares as he throws his money in the pot. Jedi #4 shakes his head. "First you decline in aiding us, then you bet against us. 50 credits on the monkey." Mas y Menos yell "ole!" together as they watch this semi legal battle between animals. Before PETA can get pissed, the tsunami wave from the Mr Majestic verses Megalon fight finally reaches the shore, killing everyone.
"Oh, that's too bad, I had a couple of bucks on the monkey. Maybe next... " "Hey Joker, hey!" interupts Impossible Man. Emperor Joker is not amused. "You... All you do is step on my punch lines. I think you'll be much more useful elsewhere! Hey Kitties! Go long!" Impossible man cannot resist the grip over reality that Emperor Joker commands and turns into a Kryptonite football. The Joker throws the ball to the desert portion of the playoff planet, where Don-El, Van Zee, Vitar and the Superman Emergency Squad #1-5 are going at it with Space Ghost and Black Lantern Flip. Space Ghost manages to protect himself with a force field, but the rest are exterminated by the blast of the long bomb, including the ball itself, Impossible Man. Space Ghost craddles the skeleton of his dead companion Blip. "Why do we always hurt the ones we love?!? Banjooooo! I mean, um, what's his name again? Monkey Space Ghost? Moltar? Beppo? I know this... Banjo! Wait, I said that..." ponders that ever confused Space Ghost.
Emperor Joker is livid. "Damn! I had the monkey and that one too! Ugh! Looks like I've done enough betting for one match. Besides, I have to prepare for my guests, heh heh heh! Toodles!"
In the Arctic zone, Ludwig von Koopa is showing some serious balls by challenging his father orange lantern Bowser, the king of Koopas. The orange lantern ring sparks and an army of orange construct Marios and Luigis stomp the life out of Ludwig before falling off the ice in into the chilly water below. Seriously, those Mario Brothers ice stage were a b**** sometimes. Bowser shows no compassion for his spawn as he merely says "mine."
We head to the rumble in the jungle where things are really heating up between alleged teammates. White Lantern Hal Jordan with red, yellow and green rings is arguing with blue and green lantern Hal. "Dude, how many times have I told you? Stay away from me!" Blue and Green Lantern Hal is confused. "But I thought we'd be an awesome team! A couple of experienced ring slingers together, not to mention that we are the same guy... That probably helps!" White Lantern Hal stops him. "Listen, these rings affect us. We're not the same anymore. Ever notice how hopeful you've become since you got that blue ring? Speaking of which, the blue ring drained all of the energy from my yellow ring. And this red ring isn't working properly either! So for the last time. Get the hell away from me!!!" Their arguement is halted for now by a trio of the Kitties: Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Kingdom Come Red Arrow. Blue and Green Lantern Hal is elated. "Ollie! Dinah! Roy! Sweet! I was hoping I'd see you guys! What's new?" he says to his old friends. Green Arrow is a little taken aback. "Hal, we will always be friends, but you know how it is now. We're on different teams. We can't hang out. Not until the off-season at least." Green Arrow laments. "That's where you're wrong Ollie!" says Blue and Green Lantern Hal. "I see through the fog of the FFL. I see a league united, and an end to the senseless violence. I dream of the day when... urk." Blue and Green Lantern Hal's vision of a brighter tomorrow is cut short by an arrow through the head by kingdom Come Red Arrow. "Finally! Thank you! That guy was really getting on my nerves!" admits White Lantern Hal. "Oh, and die!" screams newly rage filled white lantern, with a now working red ring. White Lantern Hal runs at the three archers. Green arrow and Black Canary dodge the charge, but Red Arrow stands his ground, firing arrow after arrow into White Lantern Hal. Hal is mere steps from Roy Harper when he collapses. "And that's how it's done." brags Kingdom Come Red Arrow. The white ring on Hal glows, and an otherworldly voice speaks, "LIVE." White Lantern Hal Jordan rises, and continues his attack, vomiting plasma on Red Arrow, killing him. Green Arrow and Black Canary retreat to a denser area of the jungle. Hal follows, but is greeted by a punch to the face by the Juggernaut as he enters the foilage. Hal is still dazed when a double axe handle from the Juggernaut embeds him in the ground, killing him. Again the white ring speaks, "LIVE" and Hal is again resurrected. "Stupid lanterns and their stupid jewelry." gripes Cain Marko. He comes down on Hal Jordan with his massive boot, stomping him to death, as well as crushing the ring. "Looks like certain kinds of magic work against these jerks." says Juggernaut, referring to his Crimson Gem of Cyttorak. "Hey guys, it's safe now, come on out." he calls to Green Arrow and Black Canary. Of course, it's far from safe, as the remaining Midgets converge on the Juggernaut. Age of Apocalypse Cyclops fires an optic blast and Widdle Wade hacks away at the helmet with his katanas. It is close to being removed, but the Juggernaut steadies himself and grabs Widdle Wade, crushing him in one hand. Smart Grimlock bites down on Juggernaut's helmet and removes it with one chomp. Juggernaut responds with a half dozen earth shattering haymakers, which scrap the Transformer in a hurry. The Black Knight seizes this opportunity and uses his Neuro blade on the vulnerable Juggernaut. It works, although an unconscious Juggernaut falls on the Black Knight, crushing him. Age of Apocalypse Cyclops finishes off the Juggernaut with another optic blast, but he is stopped by an arrow through his remaining good eye, and subsequently, his only good brain. Age of Apocalypse Cyclops drops while the still hidden Green Arrow talks to Black Canary. "Got em! Now we just gotta find Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, and that should be it for this part of the of the Playoff Planet. Just yell if you see anything, sweetie." SNIKT. "Sure thing, Bub." assures Weapon X. Oliver Queen turns to see Black Canary gutted by Logan. Her death scream knocks both men out of the denser section of the jungle, back to a clearing. They get their bearings and both attack. Weapon X runs to Green Arrow, while Queen begins firing arrows non stop. Half are deflected by Weapon X's claws, while the others hit their mark, to little effect. Green Arrow avoids the fatal claw strike, but is driven back by a punch from X's metal stump. Ollie rolls with the punch, and gets some more distance from X. Green Arrow reaches into his quiver and realizes that only his trick arrows remain. "Ugh, not these things... God help me." laments Queen. Weapon X stops to laugh. "Come on Queen. You know it's over now, just take it like a man. I don't think the boxing glove or handcuff arrow is going to cut it against me." reasons Weapon X. "You're right... they won't" says Green Arrow. With one fluid motion Oliver Queen fires an arrow at Logan, which explodes, leaving only an adamantium skeleton. "Tactical nuke arrow, bitch. But you were right about one thing. Nobody, including me, wants to see that damn boxing glove arrow! What was I thinking? And why am I talking to a metal skeleton?" ponders Ollie as he retreives his used arrows from the corpses.
I am told that the preliminary matches are over and it's time for the main event! But first, a word from our sponsor!
"Has all this fighting got you hungrier than a Haitian on a raft? Perhaps you're up for a tantalizing treat loaded with the Colonel's special 12 herbs and spices? Or are you just too damn lazy to cook for yourself, ya bum? No matter what the reason, come on down to Colonel Jokers KFC restaurant. Haha! Oh, don't believe me? Well, just ask our recent customers!" The camera pans to a booth where KFC Wonder Woman, Power Woman, Alan Scott, King Marvel, and Lady Marvel are sitting. Their fat, bloated, gravy covered corpses are a testament to the food quality. The deformed smiles on their faces reveal their true fate. "Oh, that's right... Its 11 herbs and spices, not 12. Well kids, it looks like a common spice, when blended together with the original mix of herbs creates Smilex. What's my secret,? Oh, I'll never tell... Hahahahahahaha! So bring the family to Colonel Jokers KFC! We're, heh, dying to serve you! Hahahahaha!"
We return to this match in the urban section of the planet, currently known as Joker's funhouse. Mr Majestic, Emperor Palpatine, Black Racer, and Green Arrow arrive after their battles, and head to the entrance of the funhouse. They are greeted by Dark Supergirl at the door. Her face is smeared with Harlequin make-up. "Hey guys, table for four?" asks dark Supergirl. "What are you doing blondie? Have you lost it? You're supposed to be with us." yells Green arrow. Dark Supergirl responds "We're all on the same team now! We're all Jokers! I didn't like it at first either, but the Joker's really a great guy! Heehee. I've really fallen for him! And you will too!" A seething Emperor Palpatine has had enough. "Out of the way, you've wasted enough of my time already!" He says as he attempts to enter and grabs the doorknob. He is electrocuted to death. "Haha, no ticket!" grins the insane Supergirl. "The Joker will see you now! Have fun everybody!" she says, as the three remaining kitties are teleported inside.
Mr Majestic arrives on the set of Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. "Our next guest is a real, um, super guy! Please welcome Mr Majestic" introduces Space Ghost. A confused Majestic takes a seat. "So, Mr Majestic... What's it like to be one of the FFL's endless Superman analogues?" asks Space Ghost. An awkward pause takes place and neither man says anything. A strange buzzing sound can be heard. After a minute, Mr Majestic simply roasts Space Ghost with his laser vision. He is teleported elsewhere.
Green Arrow appears in a pitch black room. A spotlight turns on and focuses on a lone figure. It is Arsenal, the former sidekick to Green Arrow. "Emperor Joker thought it was time for me to be in the limelight. You're done Ollie." Roy Harper turns to face his former mentor. Arsenal is wearing a tattered and bloody Green Arrow costume, and his newly scarred smiling face sickens Oliver Queen. "Roy, you're like my son. We need to get you help. Forget this, forget the FFL. Let's just go." pleads Green Arrow. "Aw, after all these years, you still care... Ha! Then you leave me and I end up on the Horse... again. Thanks "Dad", but no deal!" screams Arsenal. "I'm serious. I won't leave you like this. Come on Roy, please..." begs Green Arrow. Arsenal is laughing through his tears as he drops to his knees. "Ollie... I really... heh... messed up... Just... Help me... One last time." sobs Roy Harper. "Its okay kid, I've got you." says Green Arrow, lifting Arsenal to his feet. "No Ollie, I've got you!" exclaims Arsenal as he grabs Green Arrow by the hand. A Joker buzzer in his palm begins to shock the life out of green arrow. Through the searing pain, Green Arrow fights to embrace Arsenal, which sends electricity through them both. Green Arrow's final words are spoken. "I'm not leaving you like this Roy." Both archers fall dead, the corpses smoking.
We now return to a room not found in many funhouses. A waiting room. Flashpoint Batman, White Lantern Batman, Robin, Red X, Batgirl, chick Robin, and Catgirl have been sitting here all match. "Is he going to kill us with boredom?" asks Robin. "Relax old chum, at least we're safe, for now." reassures White Lantern Batman. Finally a door opens and Flashpoint Batman leads the way. "Hold on Batman!" says White Lantern Batman. "We did things your way last time. Its my turn! Robins, Red X, Batgirl, and Catgirl,. You five scout ahead and let us know when the coast is clear!" orders White Lantern Batman as he returns to his seat. "Wait, let me get this straight." says Thomas Wayne. "Your plan is to send five kids into the unknown against the Joker and who knows what else?" "Yup!" answers White Lantern Batman petulantly. "They won't last five seconds! Great plan!" mocks Thomas Wayne. "Thanks! Okay kids, you heard em! The plan is great! Move out!" "Yes sir!" says Robin, smiling as he salutes White Lantern Batman. White Lantern Batman smiles and gives the thumbs up. The team walks through the door. Four and a half seconds later, their body parts are spewing back into the waiting room. "So, I can deduce that there's danger ahead. Hmmmm..." says White Lantern Batman. "Damn it, Bruce..." says Thomas Wayne angrily as he slaps the white lantern in the back of his head. "At least use your ring to bring them back to life." "Nonsense!" says White Lantern. "I'm sure I'll find a new sidekick or two in the next room." White Lantern Batman heads for the exit while a flabberghasted Thomas Wayne hold his face in his hands in frustration. "Unbelievable... my son is an idiot..."
The next room is a bridge over lava with Orange Lantern Bowser, King of Koopas at the other end. He begins shooting fireballs and throwing hammers. The Batmen have seen this act before and run towards Bowser. Their timing is perfect as they run underneath the King of Koopas during one of his random jumps. Flashpoint Batman finds the ax and cuts the ropes holding up the bridge, which sends Bowser flailing helplessly into the lava. A door opens to the next room.
"I'm sorry, but the princess is in another castle! Hahaha!" laughs Joker as White Lantern Batman takes a gunshot to the face. Flashpoint Batman looks around him and is stunned. The Joker's final room is a mix between a throne room and a midway. "Oh wait... Here she is! Haha! I have the princess!" grins Joker, looking at Dark SuperGirl. "Good one Mr J! Heehee!" laughs SuperGirl. Black Racer and Adam Warlock stand on either side of the throne, and Bat-Mite is chained to it. Flashpoint Batman regains his composure. "Racer! Super Girl! we're teammates! Do something!" yells Batman. "You just don't get it, do you? There are no teams. There is no FFL. There's only us forever and ever! I finally found my calling and it's killing Batman for all of eternity. And nobody. Is. Ever. Leaving. Hahahahahahaha!" explains emperor Joker. "Not happening Joker. I will never let you win." declares Thomas Wayne. "Oooooo... How awkward... Sorry old chap, but I didn't mean you. You're not Batman. You're just a cheap knock off. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. But, hey. I'm a good guy. I'll at least kill you once! Hahahahaha!" A pit suddenly opens uo underneath Flashpoint Batman, sending him into a vat of acid. "Mem....ories..." croons the Joker. He looks at his watch. Speaking of knock offs...
Mr Majestic appears in the throne room after his Space Ghost encounter. "No more games, clown." says the Kherubim warlord. "Oh Supes, you're no fun. Just one more game? Pretty please?" grins the Joker, holding a golf club. "Fore!" he yells. He hits Bat-mite with the club, sending him sailing into Mr Majestic. They are both knocked into the acid below. "Great chip shot, Mista J!" compliments Dark Super Girl. "Thanks cutie, but my putting game still needs work..." admits Joker.
The Joker addresses Adam Warlock and the Black Racer. "Well boys, looks like your service to me is over. Adam, thanks for the great idea of me killing Batman forever. Black racer, you're the best janitor I've ever had. I just don't know what I would have done with so many bodies. But from now on it's just going to be me and Bats. I don't need any more ideas, and I can handle the mess from here on out. Good luck in your future endeavors and so on..." Joker hands them pink slips and they both fade from exsistence. Now that I've got that nasty bit of business out of the way, just one more thing." Joker turns to dark Supergirl and holds her by the hands. "Now sweetie pie, we had a great time together, but daddy's going to be very busy from now on. I'm just not going to have the quality time that you deserve. But since I'm a hell of a guy, I'll let you watch me kill Batman for the rest of time! Haha! Sound good baby?" Joker asks. "You're... You're dumping me? Just like that?" cries Dark SuperGirl. "Oh don't be so melodramatic. You'll be fine sooner than you think. If not, I can always put a smile on that face! Buck up kiddo! Hahahahaha!" exclaims Emperor Joker. He turns to face the still dead White Lantern Batman. "Batman, it's just you and me now. I have so many great ideas, we'll be busy for eons and eons! As soon as that White Lantern ring kicks in, we can start the show!" says an elated Joker. And other worldly voice speaks. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman wakes as a guillotine appears and beheads him. "Die!" says Joker. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman rises and an anvil crushes him. "Die!" Joker yells. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman rises and he is fed into a wood chipper. "Die! Hmmmm... This is OK... But something's missing. Hmmmm. I know! Godlike power is great and all, but some things just need that personal touch!" Joker snaps his fingers and renounces his fifth dimension power. "I feel better already. Now it's time to reeeeeally get my hands dirty!" The turns to gather some real weapons and is stopped by Dark SuperGirl. Oh, hey toots, forgot about you... Would you be a dear and get me my power tools? I don't remember where I left them..." Joker says. "Haha. Left them... Left... Haha! No... One... Leaves... Haha... Together...forever... Haha!" rambles Dark SuperGiirl. She hugs the Joker and flies them both into the pit of acid, which is making a strong case for MVP this week. Both of them burn and disintegrate in the acid as the at last laughs echo. The Playoff Planet returns to its normal state prior to Emperor Joker's meddling. "LIVE" White Lantern Batman rises, expecting to die immediately. He closes his eyes, but nothing happens. "Huh? Everybody's gone? I did it? Yeah... I did it! Suck it dad! The plan worked!"

Shit-Kickers vs Highness pt 3

The Shebamala Shit-Kickers are: Real Man, Razor, Superior Spider-Man, Blackfire, Father of Mortis, Son of Mortis, Daughter of Mortis, Zombie Parasite, Predi-Alien with red lantern ring, Firestorm,  Female Furies: Granny Goodness; Gilotina; Lashina (with Atlas axe); Stompa (with heat axe); Bernadeth (with Halbeard) and Mad Harriett, Predator #13 with yellow lantern ring, Predator #14 with green lightsaber, Wizard #3, Ric Flair with blue lightsaber, Tully Blanchard with Sith lavarouk, Jim "the Anvil" Niedhart, Triple H with red lightsaber, The Rock with blue lightsaber, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin with a blue lightsaber and jetpack.

 

The Royal Highness are: Yoda, Phantom Stranger, Doomslayer, Superboy Doomsday, Metron, Professor X, The Kraken, a Sandworm, Col. Sanders, and NFG Mike w/green lightsaber

 

"RRRROOOOAAAARRRR" screams Superboy Doomsday, as he comes upon more fire from Tully Blanchard. The battle has raged across the city aspect of the Playoff Planet. 

 

"I need some more back-up." screams the Horseman. He looks around the cityscape, amazed at the destruction that has unfolded before his eyes. He sees Jim Neidhart literally torn in half. Predator #14 has found itself prey for the monster, impaled by it's own lightsaber. Blackfire has been extinguished, a victim of the beast's tactile telekinesis when the beast blew her through a building and the shattered glass cut her to ribbons.

 

Suddenly, there's another explosion of glass shattering as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin bursts through a plate glass window with his jetpack. He buzzes about the monster getting in a few shots with his lightsaber, getting a few good shots in. A mighty roar, and another kinetic blast hurtles Austin behind an overturned taxicab where Blanchard has taken cover. 

 

"You sure picked a hella of last rodeo, Tully" says Austin "It's your party, just tell ole Stone Cold what ass to whip"

 

"I-I have no idea what to do here. I'm a little out of my depth" says Tully. Suddenly there's a shimmer behind them

 

"Heh. Look at you two. Cowering. You'd never see ANY of MY former clients hiding" 

"Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. It's the Grand Wizard" says Austin "How the hell are ya, Wiz?"

"I'm actually just a common wizard, I have chosen a form you'd be apt to recognize and trust" says the common Wizard who just looks like the classic wrestling manager "Here, take these and drink them."

"What are they? asks Blanchard as the Predi-Alien and Predator 13 try a tandem attack with the lantern rings, which cause the beast to stumble but ultimately ends with their deaths. 

"They're 'true form' potions." They shall convert you to your truest forms. I've already given The Rock and Triple H their potions, but I'm also here to tell Mr Austin that he's needed elsewhere. Sorry Tully, you're on your own."

"But- but..." begins Blanchard but before he can finish Austin and The Grand Wizard are gone. "F**k it. No one lives forever" and Blanchard downs his potion. He lets out a mighty scream which causes Superboy Doomsday to turn in his direction as he pops the head off of Daughter of Mortis. The monster rushes over to where it heard the noise and easily tosses the cab. Finding nothing, the monster turns to find another victim. Then it hears the sound of a horse riding up.

"BEHOLD YOUR DOOM MONSTER" booms the voice of Tully Blanchard "BEHOLD THE HORSEMAN....OF DEATH!" suddenly Tully Blanchard appears, but he is now as large as his monstrous opponent, clad in a black robe with a massive scythe. The two begin a fierce battle, with Superboy Doomsday giving all it's got to the avatar of death. Blanchard doesn't budge, and actually laughs.

"FOOL. I AM THE MASTER OF DEATH, NOT YOU. BEHOLD!!" he waves his scythe in a massive arc, and suddenly all of the fallen Shit-Kickers begin to rise. However, Doomboy doesn't not shrink in fear. He rushes toward the zombie like creatures and begins to tear them apart, but their sheer numbers begin to overwhelm him.

 

"HOLD HIM STILL! ALLOW DEATH TO CLAIM THIS BEAST!!"  the risen warriors obey their master.  Blanchard raises his weapon and brings it crashing down into the beast's chest, piercing it's bony skin like a hot knife through butter.  It let's out a mighty scream and falls, but thrashes and fights death with all it's might. Blanchard continues to press on against the beasts resistance, his screams matching his opponents. He suddenly feels the power of the potion leaving his body. Knowing if he lets up, he's assured to die he presses on and says to himself "If I go, I'm taking you with me you son of a bitch" The potion wears off just as Doomboy is about to succumb. However, as it dies all the resurrected Shit-Kickers fade with Tully's power. The beast let's out one final, albeit weak kinetic blast. Tully Blanchard is blasted backwards and is impaled on a streetlight.

 

"Death...comes...for...all"   he says as both he and his rival die.

Elsewhere, over in the water area, the Rock takes a quick shot of his potion and dives into the water. "Come on, let's get Kracken." He says. "Come get the Rock, and the millions"

 

Suddenly, the water fills up with literally millions of people in Rock t-shirts who respond "AND MILLIONS" This alerts the Kraken who begins to quickly yank various people underwater, drowning them as quickly as it can. 

 

"Rock sees ya, now get ready to face THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!!!"  The millions of Rock fans disappear, and the Kracken  is instantly electrocuted as the Rock turns into a being of pure electrictiy. As the Kracken sinks, the Rock gets ready to blast off, when his potion wears off. "AAARRGGHH. I TORE MY ABDOMINAL MUSCLE!" screams the Rock. He fights valiantly to swim to the shore, but it's no use. The Rock's pain overcomes him and he sinks to the depths along with the corpse of the Kracken.

 

The battle in the desert rages. Yoda is barely holding his own against Father of Mortis. Suddenly, Son of Mortis is about to help tilt the odds against the green Jedi, when Metron appears. With a few presses of various buttons on his chair he emits a blast which throws the son backwards into the sand.  He points another finger and instantly, the sand is turned to glass, trapping the young man.

 

"Fascinating. I had wondered   what would happen when the power of a red ring is combined with that of the Firestorm matrix. Thanks to the misguided attack of two overemotional children, now I know. A matrix that only works in extreme fits of rage." 

"Girls, that bad boy has taken toys away from us. Fetch them for your Granny" hisses Granny Goodness. Before Metron can react, the Female Furies are upon him, and know him out of his chair. 

"Please. No. I cannot fight without my chair." whimpers Metron, as he scrambles through the sand. Stompa jumps in the air, and just before she lands on the New Gods head, he calls upon his Motherbox and he and his chair boomtube out of the way. He reappears right above the gathered foes, as Yoda and Father of Mortis continue to battle.

 

"Here. Allow me to give you Furies a toy of my own" says Metron and with a mighty BOOM he drops the Doomslayer upon the Furies. The already raucous battle swells up to another mighty, boisterous level.

"Now, this should be interesting." says Metron. "What happens when you make this much noise in the vicinity of a Sandworm" without warning, the monsterous Sandworm bursts through the desert sands and consumes all  it wake.  As it's about to return to the dunes, there's a faint shimmer catching Metron's eye.

"What is this?" he asks himself as The Grand Wizard and "Stone Cold" appear in the dunes. "Sandworms, huh?" says Austin as he shotguns his potion "Let's see if you can handle a TEXAS RATTLESNAKE. The Sandworm  goes to eat Austin, but he dives out of the way. Wizard #3 isn't so lucky as he's torn to shreds down the razorsharp teeth in the Sandworm. Austin then makes his presence known. He's now a rattle snake that is the exact same size as the Sandworm.

"Everything'ssssss bigger in Texasssssssss" hisses the monsterous Austin. He quickly sinks his fangs into the neck of the Sandworm and injects it full of his own special venom. Ice, cold, Steveweisers. The Sandworm writhes as this icy, cold brew fills it's veins-poisoning the creature and killing it.

"You tamper with magics you should not, mortal" booms the voice of The Phantom Stranger "Return to thy true form" Austin is then returned to his normal form.

"You dumb son of a bitch" seethes Austin "Do you know who in the hell I am, Stranger?"

"You are the one called "Stone Cold" I am aware of your legend, just as I know you're plan shall not work. I shall not accept your offer of beverage and toast which lowers my guard so I am prone to your 'Stone Cold" stunner. I know all, I see all. I am also a HUGE fan."

"Well, firend-o. Ya got me." says Austin as he pulls out a can and cracks it open. "Still, if I didn't try that ole chestnut it'd eat at me like a..like a.... what's those things that feed off another living thing?"

"A parasite?" answers the Stranger

"Exactly" says Austin who throws the container at the Stranger's feet. It explodes in a puff of purple smoke, and the zombie Parasite appears. It latches onto the Phantom Strager and begins to drain his powers.

"Ain't you never see me fight the Undertaker?" asks Austin "I know my way around a phenom" The Stranger manages to snap the Parasite's neck, but finds his mighty mystic powers depleated. Austin flips him the double bird and then delivers a mighty stunner, snapping the Stranger's neck.

 

"You...you've done me a favor...Austin. You've broken...my eternal curse"

 

"Eternal curse?" asks Austin

 

"Yes. I, Judas Iscariot was cursed to an eterinity of everlasting life for my betrayal of Jesus. You..have freed me. Yet I fear..."

"F**k fear, drink beer. " says Austin as he gathers up his jetpack, oblivious to a tiny hole in the side of the pack that is leaking fuel. He flips the ignition and goes to blast off, when the jetpack explodes, killing Austin.

"Never mess with a God's will smiles Metron, as he puts away the screwdriver used to puncture the jetpack.