Breaking News!

Greetings loyal neuve sports fanatics, I'm ESPN 9 special correspondent nude Teri Hatcher with...*sigh* a breaking nudesflash. We here at nueve sports have just received footage from the Event Horizon's black boxes showing exactly what transpired about the doomed vessel. Take a look.

"NA NA NA NANA NA. NUHNUHNUHNUH NA NAAAAAA. NA NA NANA NA NA NUTBUSTERS!!!! HAHA. Get it guys??!!! That can be our rally song! I just replaced the word 'ghost' with 'nut' since our team name is the Nut-Busters!!! So, we're like as cool as the Ghostbusters cause our song is like their song!!! Get it??!!! NA NA NA NANA NA. NUHNUHNUHNUH NA NAAAAAA...." sings the Annoying Orange

" 'Es been singing dat song for de last FOUR. HOURS. Can nobody shut em up?" Gambit asks the rest of his team. "Elf, you get any luck openin' dat door on de udder side?"

"None, Gambit." replies AoA Nightcrawler. We're totally sealed in. I don't know what caused that door to slam shut, but I can get any of the controls to respond. We're pretty much trapped"

"Heh heh. Hey guys!" the Orange interrupts "Hey. Hey. HEY. Hey. Did you see Dos get cut in half by the airlock door as it came down? Do we call him Quatro now? Cause, there's two of him now, and when there was one we called him Dos. But there's two of him down, and if you double two you get four, and four in Spanish is..."

"ENOUGH!" screams Dexter Morgan, letting his mask of calm, cool collectedness slip.  Dexter whips out his favorite knife and plunges it into the Orange, cutting him in two.

"Thank God!" exclaims Alexandra DeWitt " I don't know how much more I could...Oh. My. GOD!!!"

Alex discovers, to the horror of the crew that cutting the Orange in half didn't kill him. It only created TWO of him.

"Heh. Whoa. Looks like I'm the new Dos around here." the Orange says "I'm really beside myself here. Get it? Cause there's two of me now?"

"Haha. I get it!" replies his other half "There's two parts of you, and their beside eachother. So, you're beside yourself. That's hilarious. Hahaha."

"Yeah. Wanna hear anot-"


*kkssshhhhh*

Ok, sorry folks. Nude Teri Hatcher, back again, but I can't take anymore of that Annoying Orange. We all know what ends up happening anyway. I'm being told the tape goes on for another 2 hours, and it's all the Orange with his terrible, awful jokes and joke explainations. It sounds to this reporter like death ended up being a blessing for the Nut-Busters. No one should have to endure the level of torture the Annoying Orange inflicts on people.

This has been an ESPN 9 breaking nudesflash, I'm nude Teri Hatcher. We now return you to synchronized crochet.  

A "Spoiler Sport" special announcement.

Welcome, WELCOME! Welcome to the FFL Funeral Parlor. I'm your caretaker of lost souls, Paul Bearer. I'll be keeping you up to date on just how close the various teams around the league are to bringing back some of our departed combatants back to the land of the living, and which teams are going to have to send more souls to the great beyond in order to revive the fallen.

As you all know, the prize for winning your various football games in week one was 10 graveyard points. Quite the boon, for playing ball. Here are the current standings with those 10 points added in. Teams are listed in order of highest amount of points, to lowest.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse - 46
Shemalabama's Shit Kickers -32
Team Sleeping Pussy - 26
Horsemen of Apokolips -22
TEAM - 22
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets -22


Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve -14

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties & Cats Living Together to Make a
New Family -12

The Transfoamers - 12

President Barack Obama & Taylor Swift's Red Army -10
George Washington's Slaves -10
The Royal Highness -10
Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies -9

Griswold's Nut Busters -6
The Empire - 0
Griffin's High Maintance Dope Fiends & Destroyers - 0

Ooooooohhhhhh YYYYEEEESSSSSSS. I can already feel those souls starting to stir! Well see what happens next week and what team will be harnessing MORE of the power from beyond! For EEEEESPN 8, I'm brother Paul Bearer. I'll see YOU on the next "Spoiler Sport"


OOOOOHHHHH YYYYEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSS!!

HE'S BACK BEOTCHES!!

Our former Commish and long time staff Watcher is going to be coming out of semi-retirement to take over the updating of the rosters, so they can be neat, clean, updated, and back on the right side of the blog, just like all of you cry-babies like. Ryan is a busy dude and will be doing this whenever he feels like it, and at his own conveniance. This is a huge help to me, and the league. Soooooo, if anybody gives him any crap, I will personally come to your house; and upper deck your toilet (trust me, unlike the roster updates; that excursion I will make time for).

Snoogans,

-Josh

S6 W2 - The Shemalabama Shit Kickers vs The Empire

(posted on behalf of Robatu)

The Shemalabama Shit Kickers are: Zombie Galactus, Zombie King Kong, Vampire Kilowog, Skeletor w/ Gandolf's White Staff, Tombstone (Spiderman 'lore), and Kenny (South Park)

The Empire is: The Walking Dead Crew: Rick Grimes, Lori Grimes, Carl Grimes, Shame Walsh w/ Darth Malak's Lightsaber, Glenn, Maggie Greene, Dale Harvath, Darryl Dixon w/ Throwing Knives, Theador "T-Dog" Douglas, Andrea, Amy, Tyreese, Hershel Greene, Axel, Michonne w/ Purple Lightsaber, Michonne's Zombie pets #1 and 2, Lara Croft w/ Purple Lightsaber, Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner w/ Green, Yellow, Red, Blue, Indigo, Violet, and Orange Rings, Indigo Lantern Sinestro, White Lantern Swamp Thing, and Devastator, Demolisher, Mixmaster, Long Hual, Rampage, Scavanger, High Tower, and Scrapper.

As I sit in to seeing over my first match, I can't help but notice how erie the damned graveyard truely is. Seen as how the likes of Galactus, King Kong, and many, many others before and after them.

As I think this, I see the first of the combatants, come wandering, into view. It's FS Kyle Rayner, protected by his Green Lantern Ring. Also I see his Blue Ring powering up his Green Ring more. From my left I see a small Orange figure approching, its.............Kenny. Then a flash of something flies by and Kenny falls to the ground with a throwing knife, buried deep in his forehead. FS Kyle looks as confused as I, then appears Darryl Dixon, grinning. FS Kyle looks highly relaxed.

(At this time all I hear in my head is Cartman going "Oh my god, they killed Kenny." Then Kyle, "Those bastards.")

Then appearing from nowhere, Dixon is split in half by the FFL Graveyard Grim Reaper. Ad quickly as he appeared, he's gone again.  On another side of the Graveyard, Devastator is beginning to assemble to better protect itself, and it's parts from destruction. Or so it thought as Zombie Galactus comes to view and starts a violent thrashing of Devastator. The combined strength of of the robot seems to be nothing compared to the strength of the unread Zombie Galactus. As Tombstone attempts to help, they are cut in half by the FFL Grim Reaper. As more parts and pieces, fly off, Zombie King Kong begins a bit of thrashing of his own. Zombie Galactus with one final blow takes down Devastator. And continues on his undead way, along with Zombie King Kong.

Not knowing Dixon is dead, The Walking Dead crew, all of them, or what's left of them, seen as how Dixon sealed his own fate. Ate huddled discussing......something.

Rick: We continue on from here, and hurt our prey the we do best.

Shane: I'll chop'em in half. Those undead..........

He's in half too now. As the whole crew scatters they're picked off one by one as the Grim Reaper, appears and reappears, repeatedly, until only a few are left and he leaves.

Lori, Glenn, and Maggie all scared shitless, the decide to try and find a safe place to hide. (Never thought the whole Walking Dead Crew would be eliminated, by death himself.)

Lara Croft and Skeletor are having it out in an epic battle. Croft with her Purple Lightsaber and Skeletor with Gandolf's Staff. With a wild swing she trips, Skeletor misses with a mighty swing of his own. And as she rises up, she bisects him down the middle from the groin up, and as she continues her lunge upward she inadvertently takes out Vampire Kilowog. Who was flying overhead, about to make a strike of his own. As she comes back down to her feet, the four pieces of her foes fall to the ground at her feet.

Zombies Galactus and King Kong, stumble and drag themselves toward the likes of FS Kyle, White Lantern Swamp Thing, Indigo Lantern Sinestro, Lori, Glenn, Maggie, and Croft.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Thud.

The last of the unprotected humans fall to the ground at the hands of FFL Grim Reaper. All of that are left are the Zombies, the Lanterns and Michonne and his pets, who are hiding. Zombie Galactus begins to beat at the shield protecting FS Kyle. He uses his Blue Ring to power his Green Ring more. Sinestro is having it out with Zombie King Kong and both fall as White Lantern Swamp Thing chimes in with a blast, and takes out both Zombie King Kong and Sinestro. And before he can protect himself, he too falls to the Grim Reaper. Who put some flair into this one. Slicing from right shoulder to left hip, right hip to left shoulder, crainum down, and across. As all pieces fall, Grim disappears again.

FS Kyle now used his Yellow Ring to try and instill fear in Zombie Galactus, which doesn't seem to work, as he continues his blank stare and attempts to to crush FS Kyle. His Red Ring now comes alight and he starts to pummle back at Zombie Galactus. Though what FS Kyle forgot about, was grim, from him and his team's chance at victory. As Zombie Galactus takes a final blow at FS Kyle, FFL Grim Reaper takes his dead body off into the distant foggy mist.

As Zombie Galactus takes a stumble back Michonne and his pets are crushed as the had wondered too close and became goo under the weight of Zombie Galactus.

s6w2- Griswold's Nut-Busters Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

Griswold Nut-Busters are: Slym and Red Daysping, Gambit w/ Manoguard Staff, Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler, the Annoying Orange, The Circle of Fire: Pel Tavin, Ali Rayner-West, Hunter and Forest Rayner, G.L. 7177.6 and Alexandra Dewitt, Batwing, Talon, Vampire Hal Jordan, Taneb Kel and Maggot, Dexter Morgan, Ecthelion of The Fountain and Dos.

 All of the Nut-Busters will be in The Event Horizon Spaceship

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are:White Lantern Batman, Count Duckula, Lava Girl on her Lava Cycle, Vampire Asajj Ventress, Vampire Nick Houslander, Kyle Houslander, Zachary Houslander, Thomas Wayne Batman, Vampire Cat #1, Vampire Starfire, Robin (Dick Grayson), Batgirl (Stephanie Brown), Aslan the Lion w/ green lantern ring and Gingerbread Person #2



"Are they ever coming down here? They're just sorta...hovering" asks Stephanie Brown "I'd like to just get this over with, this place gives me the creeps"

"There's only one thing to do" replies White Lantern Batman "Send the children to investigate. Robin, Lavagirl, Kyle, Zack. Head on up to that ship and see what's going on."

"No, we're not doing THAT. Why is that your go-to answer for everything?" his father from the Flashpoint timeline-Thomas Wayne answers. "We need to figure out what's going on with that ship, and why they haven't attacked us yet"

"Dude. That's the ship from 'Event Horizon'. It's like...a haunted ship that drives you insane and forces you to kill people aboard with you, or kills you itself. Have't you seen that movie?" vampire Nick replies "It was pretty badass."

"Ok, so that's the what. But why haven't they attacked yet?"

"Dude. Didn't you hear me?! The ship DRIVES YOU INSANE AND KILLS YOU OR FORCES YOU TO KILL  ANYONE ABOARD. It'd be an awesome thing to have, as long as you only had one guy driving it, and like threw your enemies inside of it. To just use it to transport your entire team isn't a good idea."

"Well, then match over. We win!" exclaims Count Duckula!

"No, cause technically the ship is a member of the Nut-Busters so we don't win till it's destroyed. Someone's gotta bring that thing down." Nick tells him.

"Ok, no problem. Zack! Kyle! Have Lavagirl fly you up there and one of you crash the ship. Both of you going in gives us better odds of one of you making it! It's bulletproof!" white lantern Batman says.

"Jesus, Bruce. No!" Thomas says. "I'll go. I've already lived my greatest nightmare the night Martha and Bruce were murdered infront of me, so I'm already pretty insane and murderous. Plus, I'm better equipped to handle any possible stragglers who haven't met their demise."

"DADDY NO! DON'T!" screams white lantern Batman "SURELY THERE'S ANOTHER SOLUTION! I JUST GOT YOU BACK!! PLEASE, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! CAN'T WE SACRIFICE ONE OF THE CHILDREN??!!!!"

"Sorry, Bruce. But I'll be back. I just got here, we'll have other matches that maybe BOTH of us will..."

"Dude. Bruce is a white lantern. Why not just bring back Godzilla to bring the ship down and we all survive?"
 Nick interjects.

"Can I...can I do that?" asks Bruce.

"Dude, why not. You'd probably just have Godzilla with you till you die. Like when someone loses an arm or whatever. I don't see the problem with it. It's not like we're in the graveyard all the time." Dick Grayson quickly says. The rest of the Kitties nod in agreement and decide that this is a great plan.

"Ok. Cool. Let's do that, then. Bruce...show me GODZILLA!" Thomas says, a little relieved to not have to be sacrificing himself.

"I still think one of the kids coulda done SOMETHING" mutters Bruce, as he quickly searches the graveyard. He finds Godzilla's tombstone, and uses the ring to resurrect the mighty lizard. Godzilla roars to life, his screams fill the graveyard.

"Ok, buddy. Bring down that ship and let's finish this!" the white lantern dark knight commands.

Godzilla roars in approval and approaches the Event Horizon. He generates a powerful magnetic field from his body, dragging the ship closer to him. He lets lose a nuclear pulse to shut down the ship like an EMP and then uses his atomic breath to finish off the remains. The Event Horizon explodes-showering their opponents with the remains of the Griswold team.

Suddenly, Nick Houslander starts laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny, Nick?" asks Starfire "Isn't this bloodrain making you hungry?"

"Dude. It's just....Godzilla just nut-busted all over the kitties. That's HYSTERICAL" Nick tells her as he emits his trademark laugh.

The Kitties all throw their heads back and have a hearty laugh over their good fortune, when a piece of scrap form the downed ship strikes Gingerbread Person #2. Sending him to the grave for the last time. The Kitties gasp in horror.

"Whatever. He was a 9 death common. F**k him" says White Lantern Batman and the Kitties erupt into laughter once more.

Week Three Schedule

Reminder: All rosters will be due by Monday Night, March 18. The third week will be for 300 points and set in Naboo's Planet Core (a water based match). The winner of each match will earn 15 Graveyard Points.


The Match ups:

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. The Empire (Seeney)
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs.President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army (Griffin)
The Shemalabama Shit Kickers Vs. George Washington's Slaves (NFG)
Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. The Transfoamers (Special Guest Watcher)
TEAM Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Fizz)
Griswold's Nut-Busters Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Edwin the Bard)
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers Vs.The Royal Highness (Josh)
Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Josh)



Again, Watcher emails are listed on the main page.  Teams with a guest Watcher should email their rosters to Josh. Thank you, and good luck to all!

Prologue: Horsemen of Apokolips vs.The Red Army

It is silent in the Horsemens' locker room. Superman is sitting quietly on the bench, staring straight ahead. Opposite Superman is a quintet of the most horrific monsters this world has ever known: Dracula, Jason Voorhies, Pinhead, Leatherface, and Black Hand. Dracula begins, "Just look at him. He almost wants it. The poor fool." "Can you blame him?" adds Pinhead quickly. "I can barely fathom a worse fate myself!" Jason says nothing, while Leatherface raises his chainsaw in agreement. "You are already mine." whispers Black Hand. "I may have a new TEAM, but don't tempt me." warns Superman, leaving his seat. He doesn't need super-senses to know that pure evil creeps through the room. Bruno Sammartino emerges from his private dressing room in the nick of time. "Superman! A word, please!" "This better be good, Bruno," says Kal-El coldly. Superman warily enters. "Ha! The Superman! The legend!" You are my hero! You stand up for what's right!" proclaims Bruno. "Um, thanks Bruno. Is that all?" replies Superman. "We are alike, you know... we do the right thing, no matter what." says Bruno, patting Superman on the back. "I'm not sure what you're getting at Mr. Sammartino..." says a slightly perplexed Clark Kent. "They say you fight for the Horsemen," continues Bruno, "But we both know the truth. You, me... we fight for what we believe! Nobody take that away! Ever!" Superman interjects "With all due respect, Mr. Sammartino, a victory here seems... hollow..." Bruno Sammartino laughs, "For a reporter, you are very behind the times!" He hands a newspaper to Kal-El. The headline reads: "Red Son Superman dominates for TEAM!" "Is that a fact?" says Kal-El calmly, throwing the paper in the trash.

Spoiler Sport- Week One Wrap Up.

Welcome everyone to episode number one of Spoiler Sport season six. I am your host and FFL correspondent -the WWE Internet Champion! "Long Island Iced Z" Zack Ryder.

Well broskis, the sixth season had quite the kick-off this year-literally, as we saw some of the SSSIIIICCCCKKKKest football games that the Long Island Iced Z has ever seen. We saw a little bit of everything.  Death! Disqualifications! Dinosaurs! An Arrest! Soccer! There was even some ball busting! I'm serious, bro!

With their first week victories  both TEAM and George Washington's Slaves are the only teams in their respective conferences to own the #1 divisional slot outright. Both the Steven Spielberg division and the Frank herbert division have a three way, three way, three way tie for first place. The action was intense and innovative and only promises to get even more insane as for week two we head to the FFL graveyard . It's gonna be creepy, cooky, mysterious and spooky.

Wwwwweeeelllllllll, that's all the time we have this week. Don't forget to like this video, subscribe to our channel or give a comment down below. Go back and watch all our other episodes! And like me on Facebook! Follow me on Twitter! Buy all the Zack Ryder merchandise on WWEShop dot com aaaannnnnd take care. Spike your hair.

Woo woo woo. You know it!

Season Six Week One Standings

President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army Vs. Shemalbama's Shit-kickers

Barack and Taylor Swift's Red are Coached by Professor Minerva McGonagall. The team is Angelina Jolie (w/ blue lightsaber), Joan Jett, Kate Hernandez (w/ Legion Flight Ring), Rachel Ray (w/ flamethrower and green lightsaber), Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Cece Jones, Rocky Blue, Dora the Explorer, Ginny Weasley (w/ Harry's wand).

Shamalabama's Shit-kickers are Coached by Morpheus. The team is Predator #13 (w/ yellow lantern ring), The Rock (w/ blue lantern ring), Triple H (w/ red lightsaber), Wizard #1, Tomax, Xamot, Deathlok (w/ green lightsaber), Smoke, Steve Austin, and Doozer #15.


“WHAT!! You brought me back to life”. Says an enraged Dora to President Obama, Prof. McGonagall, and Taylor Swift in the locker room a few weeks before the match you are about to read. She finishes off her statement by saying: “It is bad enough that I was denied my childhood by this horrific league; but now you won't even let me rest in peace!! And, The Backpack, The Map, and even Boots have to go through this hell again too”?? She then finishes off by looking at Barack and saying: “And who put them in charge?!!?... Where's Miley and Doom?!!? And I see that I am getting the start in the first week as well... Cause that makes sense... You stole my childhood freedom to train me to be a killer not an American futbal player. What's wrong with you people”??!!!!??

These words float in Dora's head as she puts on her helmet and gets ready to take the field. She radios Barack on their secure line and says: “Mr. President, I apologize for my initial outburst at being resurrected and for being distant over the last few weeks. I hope you know that I am ready to serve in whatever capacity you may need... Long live The Commandos... I mean Red Army”.

The teams begin to run out on the field at the Silverdome, when a being who looks similar to Joshatu shows himself. He is disheveled looking and is dressed in multi-colored vinyl garb. He speaks: “I am The Neon Master Pogo. Joshatu, being the only watcher witnessing two matches a week anymore with the influx of new watcher blood attempted to clone himself. This experiment did not work out for him, most likely because he sucks at everything. Instead it worked better than he could possibly imagine, and he created me. He attempted to destroy me; but I instead have escaped and have taken over half of his watcher duties. You will see that I do not play by the same “rules” as Joshatu... In other words I DON'T CARE!! I DO WHA I WANT”!!

The Neon Master, than transports the teams from The Silverdome, where Joshatu had set the match and brings them to an old field on Tuck Road in Farmington Hills that hasn't existed in many moons for your earth time.

The Neon Master speaks again: “I have removed all of your weapons, but I will pick and choose which other rules I will enforce. This is backyard football, we play to 21; now get to it”.

Deathlok punts off to The Red Army, because they don't have a ball holder. The Shit-kickers are made to kick off because of their obvious advantage (they aren't all girls). OHHH. Yeah I went there. Now look over your shoulder and make sure your wife isn't in the room and know that it is okay to laugh. Joan Jett catches the kick-off and looks over to CeCe Jones and Rocky Blue who are on the sidelines dancing and singing an awesome song. “Hey tweens, you are actually in this game, not just cheerleaders... How about some help”!??! But it Is to late to matter, because the play ends with Joan Jett being tackled by Tomax.

Dora receives the snap, and looks clueless with the football in her hands. She seems far more terrified now, than she did when she faced Martian Manhunter in single combat. Her Offensive Lineman are “shaken up” after they are clothes-lined by Smoke which results in the breaking of both of their necks. Dora hands off to Rosalie, who is protected by her family members Esme and Alice as she runs for a touchdown, practically untouched. Doozer #15 is running as fast as any doozer has ever run when he is accidentally stepped on by Terminator #20, who is walking at his normal terminator pace. Wizard #1, who is a truly great master of wizardry's old a** is huffing and puffing like crazy as he attempts to run after the glittery vampires. He dies of exhaustion.

Red Army 7 Shit-kickers 0

Both teams at this point are looking around thinking the same thing that I was from the first second of this match... A team full of chicks, a doozer, and wizard... Have either of these team owners ever heard of football??

Rachel Ray attempts to kick off, but slips in the mud. Predator #13 steps on her already crushed looking face as he picks up the ball and runs in for the touchdown. He spikes the ball and screams with joy (cuz that's what predator's do when they are happy).

Red Army 7 Shit-Kickers 7

Morpheus, basically has The Predator, Deathlok, and Smoke cover the three vampires, due to the fact that they are the only real threat the Red Army has to offer. Dora attempts to pass to Alice; but it is knocked down by The Rock. On the next down, Dora hands off to Joan Jett who loses the ball when Xamot tackles her. It is recovered by Kate, but than knocked loose by Steve Austin. He laterals back to The Rock, who runs it in for a touchdown.

Red Army 7 Shit-kickers 14.

Angelina Jolie decides that she needs to take matters in to her own hands and tells Dora that she needs to take over as quarterback. Dora responds with: “whatever B^&*)^h... I'm done with this piece of crap; get me to a battle already”. Angelina Jolie takes the snap from Ginny, and then literally snaps in half from the force of the football because she is so skinny. Deathlok recovers the ball and looks at the camera in a very campy fashion and says: “by the way, did I just get picked to play in this football game because I am African-American... Cause that's bulls&*6t”!! He then runs in to the endzone and wraps up this amazing contest (and I use that term loosely).

Red Army 7 Shit-kickers 21

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. George Washingtons's Slaves

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Bowser w/ orange lantern ring, Hermes/Mercury, Wonder Man, Mike Troop, Scrimmell, He-Man, Zombie Thing, Dean Cain, Glom, Cliff Claven, Norm Peterson)

Vs.

George Washington’s Slaves (Black Lantern Superman, Runner, Gollum, Black Lantern Harry Potter, Black Lantern Han Solo, Yoshii, Tony the Tiger, Crocodile Dundee, Air Bud, AC Slater w/ Laser Gun and Iron Man suit, Buttchunk, head coach George Washington)

TRAGEDY STRIKES THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS AND GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES PRIOR TO FFL KICKOFF

By: Pedro Gonzalez of Page Zero Sports

BAYSIDE, CA – The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets and George Washington’s Slaves kicked off the 6th year of the FFL season but not without a series of serious tragedies that engulfed both teams.

Friday night the Midgets were first stricken with disaster when their team charter bus was involved in a horrific crash on its way to Logan International Airport from the team’s pep rally at the Cheers bar in Boston. Longtime Midget Cliff Claven was believed to have been at the wheel where toxicology reports indicated he was nearly three times the legal limit to drive in the state of Massachusetts. Eyewitnesses also have said Claven’s friend and fellow Midget Norm Peterson was playing eyesies closies with Claven while at the wheel which also could have attributed to the crash. Toxicology reports also revealed Peterson to be nearly three times the legal limit as well. As a result of the crash Claven, Peterson and Glom were pronounced dead on the scene. Dean Cain was later pronounced dead at a Boston area hospital while Wonder Man and He-Man were both in critical condition but expected to make a full recovery.

Meanwhile late Saturday morning as the Slaves were conducting their own pep rally at The Max (a local Bayside hangout), several were killed when Slaves QB A.C. Slater led a charge out of the restaurant. As a result Buttchunk, Crocodile Dundee, Black Lantern Harry Potter and Gollum were killed when they were trampled to death in the stampede. Head coach George Washington and Yoshii were hospitalized where they remained in critical condition but expected to fully recover.

The Max owner Ed “Max” Alonzo was not available for comment and hasn’t been seen since the incident took place. Page Zero Sports was able to get a hold of city records that indicated Alonzo was cited for unsafe conditions the restaurants that included just one exit/entrance at the front of the building.

Aside from the incidents that took place prior to the game, sponsors were disappointed as the game itself received record low ratings in viewership. An estimated 10 people tuned into the event which was called by ESPN’s Pam Ward and Matt Millen. During the course of the game Ward often confused the two teams playing referring to the Midgets as Beckerman’s Backyardigans and George Washington’s Slaves as Built Ford Tough.

Ward had to corrected on numerous occasions by her broadcast partner Millen who in a way was almost equally as bad.

The former Lions team president and GM made very questionable evaluations during the match something the Lions fans were all to use to after the years he spent running that organization into the ground.

As for the game itself the oddities continued at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.

During the opening kickoff the football was actually incinerated by Midgets return man Bowser. Luckily the FFL had plenty of available balls on hand after what happened earlier on between Griswold’s Nut Busters and Michael Vicks Bad News Kennelz.

Bowser though was flagged for a delay of game and eventually tossed after setting the referee on fire then breaking him in half.

Zombie Swamp Thing was also lost by the Midgets after being spit in two by Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo while meandering to the corner of the end zone trying to receive a pass from Midget quarterback Scrimmell.

All was not lost though for the Midgets during that drive as Mike Troop was able to put his team ahead 3-0 heading into halftime.

Coming out of the half the Slaves announced that they would be without Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo for the remainder of the game. Initially there was no word as to why the two Black Lanterns did not play the second half but we later learned they refused to go back out there with “those two p*ssies” referring to A.C. Slater and Air Bud.

With the loss of Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo the Midgets took advantage in the third quarter.

Scrimmell connected with Hermes for a 33-yard touchdown on the Midgets’ opening drive in the second half jumping out to a 10-0 lead. And after getting the Slaves to go three and out on the ensuing possession Troop was able to hit a 49-yard field goal after a muffed punt by A.C. Slater.

The Slaves though were able to get themselves on the board after a fake field goal resulted in a 40-yard touchdown run by Air Bud to make it 13-7 Midgets entering the final quarter.

Between quarters a visibly upset Mike Troop could be seen yelling at his head coach Kurt Houslander saying “it looks like I’m going to have to win this damn thing by myself!” something that we’ve seen muttered by the veteran on the softball field in the past.

On the other sideline pulling out all the stops A.C. Slater equipped himself with the Iron Man suit, laser gun and applied some Zit-Off, which turned his face maroon. Slater was obviously trying to scare the Midgets with his maroon face a strategy that worked years ago against Valley when he was playing for the Bayside High School Tigers.

As the final quarter started a still visibly upset Mike Troop continued to try and take matters into his own hands. This included lining up in the wrong formation similar to what Titus Young did with the Lions during the 2012 season. As a result head coach Kurt Houslander was forced to bench Troop for the remainder of the game.

With time ticking away in the fourth both teams had their defenses step up as neither offense was able to move the ball past the 50-yard line. This was until the final minute when A.C. Slater used the jet propulsion of the Iron Man suit to drive the ball down to the one-yard line setting up a first and one with 45 seconds remaining in the game.

Needing a touchdown to tie the game Slater ran the option on the ensuring play pitching back to Air Bud. On the attempt though Slater missed Air Bud on the pitch causing a fumble that was recovered by Hermes with 37 seconds left.

Still with all three timeouts remaining the Midgets were forced to run a play and get a first down to try and seal the victory. So on first and ten looking to take advantage of Hermes’ speed and ice the game Scrimmell handed off to the god of speed who got to the outside and down the sideline.

The only hope from here was Slater’s laser gun.

Taking the gun out of his holster, Slater used the sight on the Iron Man suit, aimed down field and fired. The shot hit the ball causing it to fly up in the air partially deflated where Air Bud caught it.

The Golden Receiver then ran the ball back 29 yards for the touchdown tying the game at 13 with 1 second left on the clock. And with the extra point George Washington’s Slaves went on to take a 14-13 victory over the Brotherhood of Evil Midgets.

During the postgame press conference Midget head coach Kurt Houslander was extremely disappointed by the outcome.

“You’ve gotta hand it to the Slaves… They didn’t give up and wanted it more” Houslander said.

Houslander continued “I still don’t understand though how A.C. Slater wasn’t flagged at the end for using a laser gun on Hermes. But you can’t dwell on one play, we had our opportunities to win this game and we didn’t take advantage”.

Kitties Vs. The Murderflies

Week 1:Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Landerlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

The Murderflies are: Spartacus, Red Lantern Crixus, Gannicus, Doctore, Barca, Agron, Varro, Green Lantern Teddy Roosevelt, John Moses Browning(in Mandalorian armor), Kingpin, and Moon Knight. Head coach:King Leonidas

The Kitties are: Fred Jones, Patrick Star, Steelwill, Stronghold, Don-el, Mala, Kid Flash(Wally West), Juggernaut, Grimace, Ookla the Mok, and Cinderblock. Head coach:Bo Schembechler



Rules: This game will be played in four quarters with overtime rules, i.e. both teams will have one chance to score per quarter. Touchdowns are worth 7 points. No kickers allowed. Man's game.



There is an air of confidence in the Kitties locker room due to the leadership of legendary UofM head coach Bo Schembechler. "This is the moment we've been preparing for, not only this week, but for all of our lives. All of the training, all of the work, all of the sacrifices are for this moment. Forget yesterday, forget tomorrow. Today is what we play for! Today is what we live for! And today, we win together! I couldn't be prouder of all of you! Now bring it in... on 3... 1 2 3 GO BLUE! Er, orange. Sorry, old habits..." A roar emanates from the Kitties locker room.



This is a stark contrast to the Murderflies gathering. Spartacus is voicing his concerns to their head coach. "King Leonidas, we have been summoned to play a game of "football", but most of the men are puzzled and know not what to do. We be warriors, not sportsmen. We seek your wisdom in this affair." "I know nothing of this "football" game. I know only of war and death", Leonidas responds. "Then that is what we shall bring them", says Spartacus. King Leonidas nods slowly.



We are LIVE at Cowboys Stadium here in lovely Dallas, Texas! This arena was chosen because I've always wanted to see that super Jumbo-tron that they have. Oh, and its the only arena grand enough to house a match-up of this magnitude, so technically, that makes this a business trip. Bam. The Kitties win the coin toss and elect to start the game with possession of the ball. That means the Murderflies will have the ball to begin the second half.



The teams line up in a fairly predictable manner, with the more physically imposing player comprising the offensive and defensive lines. Those that can fly play the wide receiver position, and the remaining players opt for the "back" positions. Staring quarterback for the Kitties will be the "Maestro of Mystery", the Scooby-Doo gang's leader, Fred Jones! The Murderflies' quarteback will be "The Bringer of Rain", "The Bringer of Pain", Spartacus' own...um, Spartacus.



The Kitties start at their own 20 yard line. The snap the ball to Fred, who hands off to Kid Fla... Touchdown Kitties! Wally West points to the sky, no doubt carrying on about Uncle Barry. 7-0 Kitties.



The Murderflies march to the 20 line to begin the drive. The ball is snapped to Sparta... touchdown Kitties?!? As we look at the slow motion replay, it appears that Kid Flash intercepted the ball mid-snap! With more ramblings about "Uncle Barry this" and "Uncle Barry that," the kid points skyward again. This ends the first quarter with the Kitties increasing their lead, 14-0.



I was worried something like this might happen, but fear not, True Believer! We here at Watcher Industries have been hard at work to make our matches more entertaining for you, the viewer! Allow me to introduce to you the latest in Watcher Brand(TM) tech, "NuFaGtu's Wheel of Death!"(patent pending). With a simple spin, this game can become instantly more dangerous, and let's be honest, instantly more entertaining! Will this game continue on moving platforms over a bottomless pit? Will rabid dogs with metal teeth enter the game? Only the Wheel knows for sure, so let's spin this mother! No whammy, no whammy... STOP! Ooooo... a non leathal exploding football for each team! The coaches are issued a remote control, and we continue into the second quarter.



The Murderflies begin in a "shotgun" formation. Kid Flash again tries to steal the ball mid-snap, but King Leonidas activates the exploding football! Kid Flash is down, and it doesn't look like he's getting up anytime soon! I don't believe it! This kid is in space, getting carted off, and he's STILL going on about Barry. It's second down, and the Murderflies are determined to complete at least one snap this half. Don-el, the Kryptonian cop of Kandor, attempts to steal the ball from Spartacus mid-snap, but fails as the ball is snapped to Red Lantern Crixus instead. Crixus takes off for his own endzone with Mala in hot pursuit. She is mere inches away from stopping him, but she is met with a spray of plasma that holds her off long enough to allow Crixus to score! Crixus celebration apparently includes destroying the goalpost, but, really, who cares. They aren't being used anyways. Screw kickers. Crixus also attempts to celebrate in the crowd, and by celebrate, i mean hack them to pieces in a rage. His teammates manage to get him back on the field in time for the Kitties possession. The score is now 14-7, with the Murderflies cutting into the Kitties lead.



The Kitties also begin in the "shotgun" formation. Fred gets the ball and has all day to throw. The Murderflies seem a little wary after seeing the effects of the exploding football. King Leonidas is enraged on the sideline, screaming. "What are you dogs waiting for? ATTACK!!!" The Murderflies gain their composure, but it is too late. The "shotgun" formation was used to give the Juggernaut room to gain momentum and he crashes through the flat footed defense. Green Lantern Teddy Roosevelt places a series of ring generated brick walls in front of the Juggernaut, to no avail. Touchdown Kitties! Thus ends the second quarter, as well as the first half. The Kitties have a strong lead heading to the locker rooms, 21-7.



The Kitties locker room has a media blackout for halftime, per Bo's request, but the Murderflies head coach is not as savvy. I can hear Leonidas bellowing long before I reach the door. "I would be less embarassed losing to the "men" of Athens! They call themselves Kitties and Cats, yet I am the one surrounded bt pussies! Leave my sight, wretches, save you Kingpin. I have much to consider."



We also have much to consider because a new quarter means another spin on the "Wheel of Death!" This time it stops ooooon... the dreaded power nullifier! Lucky break for the tech people, T.S. everyone else. This effect will last for the third quarter only. If I wanted to see regular people playing an entire game of football poorly, I would've just put on a replay of KC vs Jax.



As the third quarter begins, the Murderflies line up with an appropriate level of confidence. With half their team depowered, the Kitties are in big trouble, despite their huge lead. Kid Flash appears to have recovered, but remains on the bench. This may be a wise coaching decision by Bo, as the death toll is sure to rise. The Murderflies look ready to deliver some serious payback. "Bout time," mutters Moon Knight, while sliding on his spiked brass knuckles. "Now hold on, soldier!" interjects a stern voice. "Yeah Marc, some of them are just scared kids! Nobody has to die, not today." says a second voice. "Guys, I'm still an Avenger. It's under control." replies Moon Knight. "Spector, have you suffered a brain injury since we last met?" laughs Kingpin. "Besides, the Kingpin is the only one in control." "Shut it, fat man. I'll still gut you in a heartbeat." growls Marc Spector. "Gut me? I thought your specialty was cutting off faces. Or perhaps it's getting those close to you killed. My mistake." smirks the Kingpin. A Wolverine style set of claws pop from Moon Knight's gauntlet with a "snikt". "Quiet, the both of you! Lest I grant your wishes myself!" erupts Gannicus. "Ha! I would wager coin on that fight!" exclaims Varro. "You are not alone." adds Barca. "Count me in!" says Agron. "Enough bickering, all of you!" commands Doctore. "Save it for our foes. We can worry about wagers later. I will be included, of course."



The gladiators' laughter is cut short by Teddy Roosevelt demanding the ball. As it is snapped, Ookla the Mok, Steelwill, and Grimace valiantly attempt to hold up some semblance of a defensive line, but are easily overtaken by the full on blitz of Murderflies. "Fred! What do we do?" asks Patrick Star. "I... I... I don't know!" stammers Fred. "Usually at this point in the story, I'm off camera with Daphne! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" The Kitties do just that,. From the sideline Bo yells "Let them score, we'll still have the lead!" As the Kitties barely elude their attackers, Teddy Roosevelt is conferring with John Browning, football still in hand. "It appears that if we don't score quickly, we may have a bloodbath on our hands." comments Roosevelt. "Indubitably" agrees Browning. "That doesn't seem very sporting, nor very Presidential. Did you finish the gun that I ordered?" inquires Roosevelt. "Indeed!" answers Browning. "Bully! Go long!" exclaims the fomer president, because if there's a story where Teddy doesn't say "Bully!", then I don't want to read it! As John Browning flies toward the endzone in his Mandalorian armor, Teddy Roosevelt loads and fires his new custom football cannon. The ball sails perfectly into the hands of John Browning for the easy TD. That makes the score 21-14 Kitties halfway through the third quarter.



The Kitties take the ball, as Fred speaks with Bo Schembechler. "Coach, we have big problems down here. We can't score like this!" "Don't worry, young man. Take a knee 4 times. We'll still have the lead, plus a fighting chance next quarter." reassures Bo. So the Kitties proceed to do just that, downing the ball 3 times in a victory formation. Unfortunately, by the fourth snap, Red Lantern Crixus' rage cannot be held back. "Cowards!" screams Crixus as he smashes though the Kitties line. I may be seeing things, but it looked like Fred just handed him the ball, which Crixus graciously accepts. He is running toward the endzone, when the Bo triggers the remote for his teams' exploding football leftover from the second quarter. "Damn," laments Bo. "I was hoping to save that." Thus ends the Kitties possession and also the third quarter. The Kitties are still in the lead, 21-14.



The forth quarter starts and the power nullifier is turned off. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed. I figured with a name like "Wheel of Death!", we see more... well... death. Yet both teams remain as untouched as a veggie tray at a BBQ. Alright you piece of crap, one more spin. Round and round she goes... and round... and round... and it's not stopping. Great, broken for the forth quarter. I turn to the field, and to my surprise, the "Wheel of Death!" is generating random effects on the field. Looks like this thing might live up to it's name after all! Maybe too much, because explosions also begin occuring in the crowd as well, killing many spectators and scattering the rest!



With their powers restored and Kid Flash back in the game, the Kitties receive the ball and look ready to finish this thing. "Okay guys, if you stronger types protect the rest from these death traps, we should be good! Got it?" Fred says confidently. "Got it Fred!" replies Patrick Star cheerfully, mere seconds before a pike springs from the ground impaling him. "Ahhhh!!!! Hike! HIKE!!!" screams a horrified Fred scrabbling for a quick play. He manages to dodge a trio of flying sawblades, although attemped tacklers Barca and Agron are not as lucky. "Gimme the ball!" yells Kid Flash. "I can finish it now!!!" Fred quickly obliges, handing the ball to Kid Flash, who runs right into the path of a freeze ray. John Browning steals the ball and takes flight to his own endzone. G.L. Teddy Roosevelt is shielding him from the random weaponry with a force field of ring energy, but it is shattered by the combined might of Don-el and Mala's punches. Don-el takes the ball as Mala and Browning continue their aerial battle. Don-el is streaking to his endzone when a meteor crashes through the roof, stopping him while also crushing Varro, Doctore, and Gannicus below. The ball is recovered mid air by the mechanical hawk Stronghold, accompanied by the Silverhawks' Steelwill. "Like hell..." says Teddy Roosevelt, who takes down Stronghold with a ring constructed sniper rifle. "Noooo! You're gonna pay for that old man!" exclaims Steelwill as he swoops down to Roosevelt. "Bring it on, Nancy!" replies the ex-president, rolling up his sleeves. The ball falls into the waiting hands of the Juggernaut. He runs toward the endzone, but Crixus vomits plasma in his face. The Juggernaut drops the ball to hold his burned eyes, and blindly runs through Crixus, leaving a different kind of plasma smeared on the field. The fumble is picked up by Spartacus, who manages to dodge laser fire, and a null-gravity trap, but not a bottomless pit. He laterals the ball to Moon Knight, and uses both hands to save himself from certain doom. "C'mon Spector. It's just like the Danger Room at Chuck's place. I can run this thing in my sleep. Just follow me and stay close, bub." "I'm with you Logan! Let's do it!" replies Moon Knight, seemingly to no one. "Logan? You've lost it, boy!" laughs Kingpin. "Shove it, Fatty! Block or shut up!" retorts Marc Spector gruffly. Amazingly, Moon Knight is deftly avoiding all the traps that are sprung on him, and the Kingpin reluctantly does as he is told. The Kingpin Judo throws an approaching Ookla the Mok, but is held up by Grimace and Cinderblock. Moon Knight is ten yards from keeping the game alive for his team, when a giant steel press drops from the ceiling. Spector slides, saving his own life, but his cape is caught between the press and the ground. "I''ll take that!" says Fred as he steals the ball from a trapped Moon Knight.



Fred runs at full speed toward his endzone, but it's hard to tell if he's making progress because it just looks like the background is endlessly looping in a display of cheap animation. Fred is mere yards away from ending the game, but one final obstacle is in his way: The Kingpin. "But Grimace and Cinderblock, they had you!" stammers Fred. "They did, until a Hell pit swallowed them. Or perhaps it was a portal to Jerry Jones office. I suppose it depends on your particular faith. No matter. The ball, please." says The Kingpin extending his hand. "Now wait a minute Kingpin! Why is there grease on your white suit?" inquires Fred. "Surely, no one came out of this match completely clean. What a foolish question. Your naivety is trying my patience." mocks The Kingpin. "Fair enough, but how do you explain THIS!?!" says Fred as he grabs the handkerchief from Kingpin's front suit pocket. "I know of your facination with scarves, but I don't know what it has to do with anything. Compliment my fashion sense, and hand me MY ball." demands Kingpin. "It's not facination, it's really more of a love... and that's how I knew that this was no scarf!" explains Fred unfolding his newly aquired prize. "These are the schematics to the Wheel of Death! You tampered with it! You killed all those people! How could you?" cries Fred. "To win, of course. that fool NuFaGtu suspected nothing! The only thing that matters is that The Kingpin comes out on top!" explains the Kingpin. "That's for the courts to decide, as well as your cellmate!" says an officer as police converge or the Kingpin. "Wilson Fisk, you are under arrest for mass murder!" "Now to see who you REALLY are!" adds Fred while tugging on the face of The Kingpin. To Fred's dismay, it's no mask, but the true face of the Kingpin. "Ew... maybe you should consider wearing a mask next time... forever." shudders Fred. "Hey! It's a glandular problem!" whines Kingpin. Fred enters the endzone to score. "I suspect you may have one of those in prison as well!" says Fred, who shares a hearty laugh with the Dallas police. This makes the score 28-14 Kitties, ending the game as the Murderflies can no longer catch up.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. The Empire

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is coached by Brett Favre (w/ a Spartan shield and armor). The team is Tom Brady (w/ a blue lantern ring), Guy Gardner (w/ a blue lantern ring), Jason Todd (w/ cannon gun and mithril vest), Centurion #5: AKA Jim Tebow (w/ ferengi energy whip), Super Dinosaur, Han Solo: Rogue Jedi, Az-Rel, Triceraton #1-3 (Stomp, Whomp, and Thwomp), and a Life Model Decoy of Barry Sanders.

The Empire is coached by Kaja Sinis. The team is Bo Jackson, Cleetus The NFL Robot, (Full Spectrum) Kyle Rayner, Superman Jr., Batman Jr., Star Saber, Victory Leo, and The Jeremitt Family: Catarine (w/ a pokeball), Jeremitt (w/ a laser sword), Mace (w/ a laser gun), and Cindel (w/ a star wand).


It has come to pass... That I, Joshatu the Great shall witness this contest. The weapons have been removed from the hands of these two teams and they shall do battle in one of the most modern forms of warfare... The game of football.

The Empire wins the toss. They will receive in the second half.

Here are the highlights from quarter to quarter.

Grindhouse 0 Empire 0

1st Quarter

Tom Brady has never needed help providing hope for his team, but the blue lantern ring on his finger makes this emotion even more prevalent for The Grindhouse. Brady receives the snap from his fellow blue lantern and Michigan alum Guy Gardner and has got all day to throw the football, with The Triceratons providing an absolute wall of an offensive line, along with Jason Todd who doesn't look like a typical lineman, but can sure take a beating with the help of his mithril vest and Batman training. Brady fakes a hand-off to the fake Barry Sanders and steps back to throw. It's caught by Super Dinosaur, who gains 15 more yards after the carry before he's tackled by Cleetus at the Empire's 40 yard line. Brady throws for another first down to Tight End Jim Tebow and then is able to find Super Dinosaur again, but this time in the end zone for the first score of the game. For The Empire's first chance with the ball, Kaja Sinis calls out the big guns and has Star Saber and Victory Leo merge to formVictory Leo, which has me about to blow the whistle for not enough men on the field, when Catarine jeremitt reaches in to her pocket and says: “I choose you Jiggly Puff”. This gives them the necessary 11 players. Superman Jr. may not have the quarterback presence and knowledge that Tom Brady has; but he can throw the ball from endzone to endzone with ease and with either hand. He receives the snap from his buddy Batman Jr. and hands the ball off to Bo Jackson who takes off down the side of the field. He is staying behind his blockers, while he watches Cleetus and Victory Saber knock down Triceratons as if they were toddlers. But he is eventually tackled by Az-Rel at the 20 yard line. 1st down. The Empire has only 15 yards to go, with 4 downs to do it in; but Tom Brady is out there on defense barking orders at his team, like that is the position he has been playing his whole life. The Grindhouse looks over to their head coach Brett Favre, but he is to busy lifting up his Spartan Armor to show some chick in the front row his junk to pay attention. He is also not to great at being a coach, because all he has ever told his team to do is go for a long bomb, so they are basically just ignoring him now. 1st down, Superman Jr. overthrows Victory Saber in the end zone as he loses control and launches the ball in to the stands. 2nd down, The Towani family crumbles like a cookie as Super Dinosaur and Thwomp break through and sack Superman Jr. for a loss of 10 yards. 3rd down, they attempt a running play again with Bo Jackson but he is tackled with only a 7 yard gain with a little help from a force push by Rogue Han. 4th down, they are going to take the points. Cleetus easily kicks it through the uprights to end the 1st quarter of play.

Grindhouse 7 Empire 3

2nd Quarter

The teams both kick up their defense and the score stays tied through in to the half.

Half Time

The half time show is the girl who played Carla from Cheers talking about how much Danny Devito sucks, to the tune of a Jackson 5 medley. It is really awesome.

3rd Quarter

Brady and The Grindhouse march down the field to start the second half, but when Super Dinosaur and Jim Tebow both drop passes they end up settling for a field goal. It was kicked by none other than Tom Brady (God I love that man). Things were looking good for The Empire when Superman Jr. sees Cleetus wide open in the endzone. He drops back to pass when Az-Rel flies in out of nowhere... INTERCEPTION. Az-Rel lands back on the ground and runs it back for the pick 6.

Grindhouse 16 Empire 3

The Grindhouse lines up for the extra point but Victory Leo rockets in to the air and bats down the kick. The pick 6 stays as is.

4th Quarter

The Empire gets back the ball, which leads to Cleetus and Superman Jr. putting on a clinic. Cleetus provides some mad cover, while Supes rushes in for a touchdown to wrap up the 3rd quarter.

Grindhouse 16 Empire 10

Bo Jackson and Superman Jr. rush for even more yards; but are held back from scoring once again by the grindhouse defense. This is when Rayner decides to take matters in to his own ring-laden hands. He lets the rings take control of his body and lunges for the ball. He blows the likes of Superman Jr., Az-Rel, Super Dinosasur, and Victory Saber aside and rockets into the endzone at the speed of light before the rings overtake his body and extinguish his life force. Kyle Rayner in his death makes the score...

Grindhouse 16 Empire 17

Less than two minutes left in the game when The Grindhouse attempts what is certain to be the last drive of the game. Tom Brady takes the snap at the 40 yard line when his wide outs Super Dinosaur and Han Solo are leveled by Cleetus and Victory Leo (yeah... I'm keeping the whistle in my pocket). Tom then throws to his slot receiver Az-Rel. The Triceratons provide cover as he rushes in to the endzone, knocking the heads off of Jeremitt and Catarine Towani (literally). Az-Rel then sees Superman Jr. guarding the endzone as he rushes in for his final push. Az-Rel talks some smack with 1 second left on the clock by saying: “Ahh, this antiquated character believes himself to be the only Kryptonian around... I'll show you how REAL Kryptonians do battle”... Superman Jr. sizes up his opponent and says: “In my day, there was only one surviving being from Krypton, and I liked it better that way” as he stiff arms the Kryptonian “Clyde” with all of his might; breaking the neck of Az-Rel who falls three feet behind Supes in the endzone... Still holding the ball.

TOUCHDOWN GRINDHOUSE...

Week Two Schedule.

 Reminder: All rosters are due by Monday Night, March 11. The second week wil be for 250 Points and set in The Fantasy Fantasy Graveyard. The winner will receive 13 Graveyard Points.

The Match ups.

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army (NFG)
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. The Transfoamers (Special Guest Watcher)
Shemalabama Shit Kickers Vs. The Empire (Robimus Prime)
Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. George Washington's Slaves (Griffin)
TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Josh)
Griswold Nut-Busters Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Seeney)
Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. The Royal Highness (Fizz)
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers Vs. Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Josh)

Watcher emails are listed on the main page. Thank you, and good luck to all!

Season 6 Week 1 – Team Sleeping Pussy vs. Dope Fiends

Team SP is: Dark Beast, Blockbuster, Hanover Fiste, Johnny Bates (adult "Kid Marvelman"), Skrull #23, Skrull #24, Shi'ar Warrior #1, Gladiator #1, Biff Tannen, Bill the Butcher, Sam Malone, Head Coach: Ron Meyer

The Dope Fiends are: Desmond Howard, Frank the Tank w/Tron Suit (9 deaths), Ron Burgundy w/Quinlan Vos' Lightsaber, Brian Fantana w/Magnoguard Electrostaff, Brick Tambland w/Trident,
Champ Kind w/Battle Axe, Daken, Dr. Voodoo, Frost Giant #4, Frost Giant #5, Frost Giant #6, Head Coach: Ulyssess S Grant

Pre-Game

“I think I'm gonna get two-- No! Three interceptions today” boasts Desmond Howard to his teammates. “I can't wait to get some action again. I haven't had a start in nearly three years and today we get to actually play football. I might actually make it to the end of a match instead of catching a stray bullet or getting crushed inside a falling building or something.”

“I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dez” says Champ. “The watchers always figure out a way to screw us over.”

The teleportation is complete and the players find themselves in similar surroundings going from their locker room to the visitor's locker room at the stadium. Ulyssess walks in, his head wrapped in a cloud of cigar smoke. “Alright, Boys. I just got details from the watcher on today's match. We are up against Team SP so prepare yourself for who you might face out there.” He takes a long drag on his cigar just as the phone in the locker room rings. He picks it up without speaking and after a few seconds, hangs it up. After exhaling a few smoke rings looks at the team and informs them that it is time to head toward the field.

“Remember, just win the game. Death count doesn't matter today. Frost Giants, you three are on Defense and Daken, I want you in net. Everyone else, play where you want.” Says Grant.

“WAIT!” screams Howard. “Daken is in... NET?”

Grant smiles at him and says, “So much for the interceptions today, Desmond. You cant use your hands in Wembley.”

Both teams run out of their locker rooms onto the pitch and see that just 3 people are in the stands. One has an easel setup and is thrilled to be capturing the spirit of the season opener this year as a spectator. Another man has a sock wrapped around his head, keeping his thick mane out of his eyes and is wearing a Spice Girls concert tee. He is trying to text (surely at astronomical international rates from London) while drinking a Redbridge and eating a large blue ball of cotton candy. The third man is irate at a poor young woman who is just trying to get his food order correct. As she storms off, tears soaking her face, he turns to the second man and vows to cut her head off when she returns.

“Who are those guys?” asks Sam Malone to head coach Ron Meyer.

“Ex-watchers,” Ron explains. “The league has a bunch of new watchers this year so I guess these guys are just hanging out to see how our guy does.”

First Half

The whistle sounds and Brick Tambland takes possession of the ball first, using his trident to block the sword of Gladiator #1. Brick kicks it out to Champ Kind, who then goes across the field to catch a streaking Brian Fantana who is keeping anyone who challenges him at bay with his electrostaff. He arcs a long pass to Ron Burgundy whose header shot goes wide left.

“Strong work news team. Don't worry about that, we have plenty of time.” He says, obviously disappointed in his miss.

Blockbuster is in net for Team SP and heaves the ball back into play over the heads of every player. Daken instinctively reacts in net and the ball explodes as he skewers it with his claws. A new ball is presented and Daken kicks it back into play where it is immediately stolen by Biff Tannen. Sam Malone has his back and as Frost Giant #3 picks up Biff, Sam doesn't miss a beat and moves the ball back toward the net. Dr Voodoo throws down a thick wall of smoke to shield Sam's shot and it must work because he hesitates for just a second before shooting the ball blindly at the net. Daken easily blocks the ball this time, again with his claws, and another new one has to be used.

The same boring crap happens for the remainder of the first half. And after 45 minutes (and a couple dozen destroyed balls), the teams regroup for halftime with the score still nill – nill.

Halftime

“I don't understand it.” Bill the Butcher says to the rest of Team SP. “The net is the size of a boxcar and no one has scored.”

“I know, how is this game even popular around the world?” asks Shi'ar Warrior #1.

“It is a great game, but you guys have no idea what you are doing out there!” Yells Ron Meyer. “I have been living the last year of my life in Africa so I think I have a pretty good idea of what we are doing wrong just from watching the kids in the village play.”

He begins to scribble some plays on a piece of paper and explains to the team some of the basic rules rules (such as offsides and when a corner kick is granted). He then explains how he wants to use the more aggressive 4-3-3 offense and try to take advantage of The Dope Fiends lack of organization.

Second Half

It appears, however, that The Dope Fiends did work on a strategy at halftime. As the whistle sounds, the 3 frost Giants charge in and scoop up Biff, Sam, and Bill the Butcher. They begin to tear the Team SP members in half, raining their blood and entrails on the field. Dark Beast instantly reacts and sinks his claws into the neck of Frost Giant #4 and lifts his head off. He then proceeds to fight Frost Giant #6, who proves to be much more of a challenge than his counterpart, but the end result is the same. Hanover Fiste becomes enraged and grows to huge proportions. He picks up Champ Kind and throws him into the stands, breaking his neck as it gets wedged into a seat. Frank the Tank takes the head off of Gladiator #1 with his identity disc and Skrull #23 and Shi'ai Warrior #1 easily dispose of Desmond Howard without anyone noticing. As they dump his lifeless body into the stands, Shi'ai Warrior nods to Skrull #23 who instantly takes the form of their recently deceased opponent and the two walk back to opposite sides of the field.

“This has escalated quickly! Things are really getting out of hand fast!” Says Burgundy.

The referrees are blowing their whistles and they have run out of red cards. The players settle down and are ordered back to their benches while they figure out the mess. It is decided to end the game in the most logical way – the shootout. Everyone admits that it was probably going to be the outcome anyway. The coaches have to choose 3 players from their teams that are still alive and also were not ejected because of murder. Grant selects Dr. Voodoo, Ron Burgundy, and (who he believes to be) Desmond Howard. Ron Meyer selects Johnny Bates, Shi'ai Warrior #1, and Skrull #24 who takes the form of David Beckham.

Kid Marvelman shoots first and uses telepathy to tell Daken that he is going to shoot left when in fact he shoots right. He scores easily and Team SP is up 1-0.

Dr. Voodoo is up next and using the same technique that blinded Sam Malone earlier, sets up a wall of smoke which Blockbuster cannot see through and as he leans to see around the cloud, Dr. Voodoo simply taps the ball in on his blind side. Score 1-1.

Shi'ai Warrior #1 is up second and he practically steps on the ball when he goes to shoot it nearly toppling over. Since the ball was struck, it counted as a shot and the score remains tied.

Ron Burgundy is next and without hesitation, he throws his lightsaber at Blockbuster who needs to dive out of the way. As with all saves in soccer, Blockbuster guesses correctly with his dive and easily blocks the ball. Score. Is. Still. Tied.

With Skrull #24 in the form of David Beckham, naturally his ball bending skills are superior to the amateur goalkeeping of the son of Wolverine. Daken dives too early and the ball drops in just under the crossbar making the score 2-1 in favor of Team SP.

Desmond Howard is the last hope for The Dope Fiends. As Desmond purposefully blasts the shot wide of the net, the game ends and the Dope Fiends are furious with him. When he retakes his natural form and changes back into Skrull #23, Grant takes the trident from Brick and heaves it into his chest.

As Grant and the rest of the Dope Fiends look to the 3 former watchers in protest, their objections are met with shrugs and laughter. Two of them give thumbs up while the third tries to figure out how he managed to spill cotton candy on his shirt. Dejected, they walk off the field while Team SP jogs off victorious.

Griswold’s Nut Busters vs Michael Vicks Bad News Kennelz

Griswold’s Nut Busters are Head Coach: Dexter (the serial killer),Red Dayspring, Gambit, Jarvis, Velociraptor #8-13,Uruk Hai #9, and Dark Side Marauder #8.

Michael Vick's Bad News Kennelz are Head Coach: Jack Baur, Mandalorian Justin Oblak, Matt Oblak, Pre-Suit Darth Vader, Michael Vick, Claire Bennett, Curtis Manning, Zombie Mr. T, GL Ryan Poteracki, Dr. Teresa Oblak, and Dexter The Dog

The teams are transported to the San Dimas High School Football field. Why San Dimas you ask? One reason, SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULEZ! Yea with a z. The Nut Busters win the coin toss and choose to receive. Michael Vick punts the ball and the game is on Velociraptor #9 catches the ball with its mouth and instantly deflates it.

Matt Oblak: "MotherF**ker. did anybody bring another ball?"