A new TEAMmate

We here at the Fantasy Fantasy League are very pleased to announce the arrival of the newest TEAMmate, Edwin Maxwell Zacharski - 8lbs 5oz. A huge congratulations go out to his parents Ed and Sarah!

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER IV: FAMILY FRACAS IN THE FOREST

            A soft voice is heard in the background as a figure hovers over an unseen mechanism.  The being is surrounded by the dense foliage associated with the Playoff Planet’s forest region. 

            “...so I was thinking about love tonight...,” states Billy Mack.

            “And you realized it was all around,” finishes Joe.

            “Hey look I’m serious, I just left Elton’s where there was a...” chimes Billy Mack before his voice is quickly cut off by the voice of Chris Artrip in Black Lantern form.

            “What are you doing over there?” asks BL Chris Artrip toward the figure.

            “Umm, nothing,” replies Black Lantern Julie Artrip to her dead husband as she briskly puts her cell phone away and steps from the trees’ shadows.

            “No seriously, what are you doing over there?” requests BL Chris.

            “None of your f@#$ing business, okay…  Sweetie,” responds BL Julie.

            A frustrated BL Chris flies over to his bride and floats in front of her face, an angered look creasing his decayed face.

            “You were watching a movie instead of paying attention to the match,” says BL Chris through gritted teeth.

            “I was watching ‘Love Actually!’  Okay?!?!  Which is more than just a movie. . .  Honey.”

            “Well get your sh%t together asap because we are not going to be taking this team lightly!  I want to win this championship and I want to be the one to see it through!”

            “You think pretty highly of yourself don’t you… Sugar Tits!” coos BL Julie.

            BL Chris’ face becomes even more grotesque.  “Kiss my a$$ Julie. Just because we were brought back to life doesn’t mean we have to be friends!  I wouldn’t touch your desiccated piece if the owner paid me!”

            “Suits me just fine… Babe,” replies BL Julie.  “It was ‘til death do us part after all; nothing about post mortem in that contract.”

            “F$@# you, you defunct dirt-napping piece of drek!”

            BL Julie appears to have actually been hurt by that last comment of her spouse.  “Have fun winning the match all by yourself... D#ck!”  BL Julie turns around.  The cell phone floats upward from her shredded garment and she begins to look upon one of the best romantic comedies of the last decade, once again.

            BL Chris turns around to leave his dearly departed when he suddenly finds himself staring face to foot with an AT-ST.  He mumbles an expletive that cannot be heard and twists his head slightly around. 

            “Umm, honey,” begins BL Chris.  “I think I am going to need a little help here.”

            BL Julie begrudgingly begins to turn her attention away from the movie as she chatters to BL Chris. 

            “Oh now you need some help in this,” BL Julie says.

            Before BL Julie can finish making light of her husband’s bravado, she finds herself engulfed in a barrage of laser fire from the AT-ST. The fusillade knocks her to the ground where she is rendered barely conscious.  BL Chris quickly soars over to his wife; dead or not, arguing or not, he still loves her putrefying body. BL Julie is badly wounded, but he notices, in relief, that her black lantern ring is still intact.  His mind is put to ease in a brief respite.  BL Chris leaves her lying on the ground and flies up to the cockpit of the Imperial monster only to find a familiar face behind the viewport.

            “Oh hey, Heather, fancy meeting you here tonight,” exclaims BL Chris.

            Heather Houslander opens up the channel on her communications’ system so that her voice can be heard outside of the vehicle. 

            “Charming to the last, Chris,” replies Houslander.

            “I swear if you lay another finger on her...” an enraged BL Chris begins to spout.

            “You’ll what? Kill me?” she mockingly laughs.  “You think somebody like me has any chance of surviving a match like this?  My fate is already predetermined by the powers that be!” 

            BL Chris hovers above her cockpit, speechless.

            “Go ahead Chris,” antagonizes Houslander, “make a couple more idle threats!”

            “I’ll show you what an idle threat looks like!” admonishes BL Chris.

            BL Chris smashes the cockpit’s window and lunges straight for Houslander’s chest.  His right claw rips through her bosom and pulls her heart out through the leather jacket she is wearing. Heather dies.  BL Chris notices that the now dead Heather Houslander lays motionless in her seat with an eerily, discomforting smile on her face. BL Chris shrugs off the strange sight and consumes the remaining chunk of her heart.  When he finishes (quickly as rumor has it), he floats out of the broken cockpit and notices that where his wife once was, only a single, hatched egg remains.  He brazenly flies down to where BL Julie was lying down.  The dead lantern picks up pieces of the shell and wonders what sprang forth from the egg.  He notices a small squeak as a miniature dinosaur hops out from behind the bushes with blood around its muzzle and a dead female’s arm with a black lantern ring on it.  BL Chris becomes enraged.

            “Oh you piece of s@#& motherf$@&er! I am going to rip your G-dd@$& c@&#sucking heart right out of your...”

            “But I am afraid you will not arrive at the chance to do so Mr. Artrip,” a softly spoken BL Albus Dumbledore states.

            BL Albus Dumbledore removes the ring off of the lantern’s hand with all the skill and professionalism he had when he was the Head Master of Hogwarts. As the black lantern formally known as Artrip crumbles into nothingness, a look of almost sadness rises to his face.  A tragedy of the events suffered by his team due to his own hubris clouds his thoughts as he loses his final life in the league.

            “What a shame it is to take the life of somebody with such promise. I mean, not that this exactly fits the situation, but just in general.  It is such a shame,” ponders BL Dumbledore.

            BL Dumbledore floats to where the little lizard is and rubs the head of the Yoshi, as it still chews on the shriveled arm of BL Julie Artrip. The two of them stand together for another moment longer to take in their last bit of calm before they rejoin the rest of their team in the never ending storm.

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER III: METALLIC MASKED MAYHEM

 

            The blaring sound of a motor vehicle’s horn echoes throughout the streets of the metropolis located on the Playoff Planet.

            *BEEEEEEEE…..EEEEEE…..EEEEEE…..EEEE…..EPPPPP……PPPPPP*

            The horn continues its staccato clamor from the Highness' Ferrari.  A closer look evidences a tattered and broken body crumpled against the steering wheel of the automobile. The corpse is of "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.  The wrestling legend’s headband and glistening, tanned muscles are long forgotten as the legend is dead behind the wheel.  A small groan emanates from behind the car as John McClane slowly rises to his feet.  He stumbles slightly as he attempts to gain his balance from the accident.

            "Maybe you should leave the vehicular homicide to your son," quips McClane as he dusts himself off.  A grimace reaches his face at the aches that shudder through his body.  Although out of breath, the “Die Hard” hero smiles to himself as he recalls being able to roll with the impact of the car running into him and surviving the incident.  He barely managed to skirt death and he knows it.

            He shakes the haziness from his head and locates his Attack Trak across the street.  As he begins to move toward the vehicle, his ears buzz with an unidentifiable snarl.  He is violently hit from behind causing his body to slam into the wreckage of the Ferrari he previously escaped from. Vampire Kang the Conqueror screams at the man who makes dying hard. McClane lies on the ground, nearly unconscious.  Kang grips the battered shirt of McClane and picks him up, smelling McClane’s blood as it courses through his veins.   As the undead attempts to feed on the human, he howls in fury since his efforts are thwarted by his full facemask.  This mistake makes Kang howl as this is a mistake that is unusual for the normally well-prepared conqueror.

            "Sorry friend, but you gotta buy me dinner before we start necking,” states McClane as he is roused from his weakened state.  “But I will give you a preview of how far I'm willing to go with you!"

            McClane knees Kang in the crotch and the villain crumples to the ground. McClane quickly stands up and manages to nail a sweet, roundhouse kick to Kang's face.  Kang ferociously strikes the ground. McClane instantly reacts and miraculously tears off Kang's mask.  Kang screams at the top of his undead lungs as the Playoff Planet’s sunlight finishes off the Conqueror in a heated explosion of ash.   

            "Yippee-ki-yay Motherf@%ker." utters McClane. 

            The former New York cop begins to walk away from the skirmish when he senses something amiss.  He suddenly turns around.  He hears a loud voice loudly emitting over the Ferrari’s radio.

            "-ool. You think that one such as Kang shall fall to the likes of a simple human police officer?!?!    Kang shall be the one to usher in your DOOMSDAY!"

            "Oh COME ON!" McClane responds.

            McClane hears a thunderous crash behind him and methodically turns around to see Cyber-Doomsday's body.  The machine, from previous experiences, now houses the consciousness of the actual Conqueror. As McClane anticipates and then braces for the worst, Cyber-Doomsday is tackled mid-charge by a blur.  The two beings crash through building after building, leaving a smattering of both bricks and mortar in their wake.

            "You may now be known as ‘Doomsday’ Kang, but I shall forever be known as ANNIHILUS!"

            The former ruler of the Negative Zone begins hammering the half cyborg body of his foe with his Cosmic Control Rod.  The voice of Kang begins to crackle and sputter as his robotic components are methodically decimated.

            "I...ill vae my.....ryptonian....half...”  the Cyber-Doomsday-Kang-the-Conqueror combo states as he begins to raise one of his massive fists.

            "Not anymore," replies Annihilus as he unleashes a massive blast of cosmic energy that finally puts the monster down.

            "Come, human" Annihilus says to McClane as he fires up his vehicle. "We still have much to do."

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER II: CHESS OF THE COSMOS

          Numerous beings are seen hovering in space.  They are gathered around an invisible table suspended in the starry wasteland.  The One-Above-All and Q Continuum are gathered around the long board.  Since both sides are omnipotent and omniscient, they are locked in an unending struggle.  The two sides second, third, and quadruple guess each other without actually making any moves due to their inherent character traits. 

             It is only logical that the Qs could simply blink and remove all of the Horsemen from the battlefield.  In that same vein, the One-Above-All could do the same.  Notwithstanding, the beings recognize that there would be no fun in either endeavor.  Thus, they mutually decide to settle in for a little game.  Knowing the rules of the game before it even commences, the two sides determine that their game of Chess will involve only one pawn, the High Evolutionary.  The game’s winner will be decided by who can render the being the most docile so that the High Evolutionary transforms into the “High Harmless One.”  Whatever entity is able to accomplish this task will render the other side impotent and will force them to walk away from the table and fade into nothingness.  

            The High Evolutionary is transported to the side of his comrade, the One-Above-All.   The true cosmic entity looks at his teammate.

            “Although you may be recognized as the pinnacle of human potential, you are still but a human in our eyes,” states the One-Above-All, in a matter of fact way.  “I thank you for your willingness to subject yourself for the betterment of the Horsemen.”

            The High Evolutionary grimaces.  “For the betterment of the Horsemen,” the former geneticist says through clenched teeth.  The playing piece floats to the top of the game table.

            The Qs gather into a circle and the cosmos swirl about them.  Their minds meld into a single idea and they make their decision on what to do.  The Qs look at the High Evolutionary and the entity transforms into a poodle.   The High Poodle yaps at the embarrassment of being morphed into a compliant canine.  The Evolutionary Dog begins to foam at the mouth.  He barks in dismay as he realizes that the One-Above-All gave him rabies.

            The Qs meld their minds together and in the blink of an eye, the High Evolutionary is transformed into a white mouse.  The tiny rodent scampers across the table and screeches at the indignity which has taken place thus far.  In response to a painful squeak, the One-Above-All looks at the High Evolutionary in its current form and infects the beast with the deadly Hantavirus.

            The Q's turn to the One-Above-All and, in unison, shrug.  It appears that the One-Above-All has bested the entire Q Continuum.  The Qs then hold their hands together and smile.  The One-Above-All cocks its head in anticipation of the Qs next move.  The Qs blink as one and the High Evolutionary becomes what is clearly the most impotent and harmless creature imaginable. 

            The shrieks of the High Evolutionary are heard as violent echoes throughout the Playoff Planet’s landscapes. 

            “NO! NOOOOOO!!!!  Not this! Anything, but this! I'd rather die!"  

            With an agonizing shout, the High Evolutionary stares at himself in the glare of a star which shines upon the immense, cosmic table.  He has become a “Murderfly.”  Absolutely refusing to exist as this character, even for the briefest of moments, he uses his cosmic powers to kill himself.  The High Evolutionary explodes into a million pieces of sound and energy. 

            The One-Above-All stares at where his companion once was besmirched as a toy amongst the cosmic gods.  The One-Above-All knew that the gamble of utilizing one of his own companions as a game piece may not pay off, especially while facing the powerful Qs.  

            Grins reach the faces of the entire Q Continuum, once again.  The One-Above-All quietly walks away from the table in defeat and fades into nothingness.

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER I: MYSTICISM IN THE MARSHLANDS

           

            The muted smell of decay permeates the air.  The undead scour the area and hear whimsical banter between two alleged combatants.  Black Lantern Yoda and Dracula trudge through the murky waters beneath their feet and peak from the mossy cypress trees camouflaging their whereabouts.  Their prey has been located as they focus on both Yoda and the Phantom Stranger.  The diminutive Jedi and paranormal warrior face each other as they play a heated game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”  Although unknown as to actually how Yoda is rendering his effects on the Stranger, the wizened creature uses his Jedi mind tricks to push the Phantom Stranger to repeatedly throw “Rock” which Yoda easily beats every time by throwing “Paper.” 

             “Our chance, this is” whisper BL Yoda to Dracula.

            “Yaaahhh.  I vant to kill dem!  Ah-ha-ha-ha,” responds Dracula.

            “The Count, you are?” asks BL Yoda.

            Dracula scoffs at the rebuke and focuses upon his enemy again.  The two Horsemen know they are at the Graveyard’s precipice as they each are down to their last death in the league.  Destroying the mighty Yoda and Phantom Stranger in the Universe Bowl would be a gloriously historic way to finish their lives and “go out.”  BL Yoda and Dracula rush the two Highness teammates and act quick enough to take the Phantom Stranger by surprise.  BL Yoda uses the Force to push and subsequently hold the Stranger to the  spongy ground. Dracula springs into action as his instincts arouse him to immediately focus on the Stranger’s neck.  Time passes in less than a blink of an eye as Dracula is upon the Stranger and he immediately begins to feast. 

            As the vampire king dines upon the blood spewing forth from the Stranger’s collar, BL Yoda barely has enough time to react and block a retaliatory lightsaber strike from Yoda.  The two incarnations of the Jedi Master are locked in a fantastic dual.  Each copy anticipates the moves from the other with excellent precision.  Trees and foliage bend and singe as the duo bounce, spin and wield their lightsabers.

            Dracula slowly raises his head above the newly deceased as he has finished his snack.  He immediately moves in to assist his teammate, but suddenly hesitates.  The two Yodas move so quickly that the aged vampire cannot tell which Yoda is his friend and which his foe.  He decides to wait for a better opportunity to make his decisive move.

            BL Yoda jumps back from the skirmish and throws a blackened ball of energy at the living Yoda.  Yoda quickly drops his lightsaber and twists in the air, showing his agility as he uses both hands to block the scorching energy being pushed at him.  As Yoda lands on the marshy floor, he stands firm as the energy pulsates between the two, rendering colors ranging from the entire spectrum.  The harder BL Yoda pushes, the harder living Yoda resists.  The strain becomes evident on the faces of the duo and they slowly slog toward one another.  The ball of energy between the two grows larger as the two come closer.  The two Yodas are only a few feet apart as the glowing aura becomes almost overwhelming.

            Dracula knows he needs to intervene, but the spurning light between the two now plays tricks on his eyes as he is still unsure of which Yoda is his brethren.  The undead prince strains to look for the ring on one of their hands, but the ball of energy prevents him from doing so.  A glimmer of a smile rises to his lips as he thinks of an idea that he knows only the living Yoda will respond to.

            “Looook!  It's George Washington!” Dracula yells.

            Dracula’s plan seems to work as he notices a slight reaction from one of the Yodas who desperately wants to look at his former leader.  Dracula immediately rushes at his enemy and sinks his sharpened fangs deep into Yoda’s neck.  The shock experienced by the living Yoda at Dracula’s attack breaks the resistance he has over the energy.  The amplitude of the explosion throws BL Yoda across the swamp, while consuming both Yoda as well as Dracula, who has made a selfless sacrifice in order to defeat his enemy.  Dracula has sent himself to the Graveyard to take down the powerful Yoda.  BL Yoda recovers and stares at the decimation caused by the blast.

            BL Yoda quietly mumbles, “Remembered, my comrade, you will be.  You will be. . .”