Season 7, Week 1 Match: Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse vs. The Empire

“One on one I wanna play that game tonight.”

-Hall and Oates [2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inductees].

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 1 Match located at Wayne State University’s Matthaei Center.  They are as follows:

The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse: Goofy; Jake, Cubby and Izzie (The Neverland Pirates) and Doc McStuffins.

The Empire: Bo Jackson; Lara Croft with purple lightsaber; Reverse Flash; Waluigi and Luchadore Assassin Chris Seeney.

Grindhouse locker room. . .

Doc McStuffins:  . . .  of course I know how to play basketball!  Plus, if any of you injure yourselves on the court, I’ll check out my Big Book of Boo Boos to help you feel better!

Jake: Yo ho, let’s go!!!

Empire locker room. . .

Waluigi:  Cheat to win! 

Croft:  Don’t need to cheat to win.  Just win!

THE GAME BUZZER SIGNALS THE TEAMS TO ENTER ONTO THE COURT.

Let the basketball game begin. . .

Tipoff. . . First Half. . .  

Goofy saunters to the middle of the court.  He looks down upon Bo Jackson.

Goofy:  Hey little man!  We are gonna’ beat you down!

Bo Jackson:  We’ll see, Goofy. Bo don’t do look kindly to being beaten down!

The ball is released into the air by the referee and Goofy manages to take control.  The Disney character dribbles down the court.  He passes the basketball to Jake who throws the ball into the air and makes the basket. 

Waluigi takes the ball and passes it inbounds to Reverse Flash.  Reverse Flash races across the wood, jumps over Cubby and dunks the ball. 

Cubby timidly takes the ball and attempts to pass it to Izzie.  Instead of meeting his target, the ball is stolen by Bo Jackson.  Jackson makes a basket after an easy layup.

Cubby responds to his mistake: Aw, coconuts!

Cubby takes the ball again and immediately throws it to Izzie.  Izzie takes the pixie dust from her pocket and sprinkles it on the ball.  The ball floats above the Empire’s players and swishes into the basket.

Luchadore Assassin Chris Seeney passes the ball to Lara Croft.  Croft dribbles around McStuffins and shoots the ball into the basket.

The points continue to slowly compound as each team continues to score. 

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!  The buzzer signals halftime.

SCORE

EMPIRE: 42

GRINDHOUSE: 34

Grindhouse locker room. . .   

Goofy: This basketball sh@t be craycray!  We gonna’ start street ballin’ bitches!  Just like Clarabelle says when we be at it – anything goes!!!

Jake: Yo ho, let’s go!

Empire locker room. . .

Croft:  Time for you boys to take your testicles out of your purses and put this game away!

L.A. Seeney:  Can’t.  I’m clipped.

THE GAME BUZZER SIGNALS THE TEAMS TO ENTER ONTO THE COURT FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME.

Goofy:  Hey little man!  Gonna curbstomp your motherf@%kin’ team’s a$$!

Bo Jackson:  We’ll see, Goofy. Bo don’t do look kindly to curbstompin!

The ball is released into the air and Goofy kicks Bo in the groin, catches the ball and begins to dribble down the court.  Waluigi creeps behind Goofy and without the referee noticing, kicks the unsightly giant in the back of the knee.  Goofy falls to the ground and L.A. Seeney quickly unsheaths a knife and stabs Goofy in his side.

Goofy:  Gawrsh!  I be stabbed!!!

Doc McStuffins races toward her teammate and helps him up.  L.A. Seeney is called for a foul and the referee points Goofy to the free throw line.  Goofy falls to his knees and McStuffins races to him. 

McStuffins: You have to play Goofy!  We need you!

Goofy: Will do!!!

The Grindhouse calls a time out and McStuffins bandages Goofy’s wound.  Goofy shakes off his injury and prepares to play ball.  He makes both free throws.

Waluigi throws the ball inbounds to L.A. Seeney.  Seeney runs down Izzie, who falls to the ground.  L.A. is called for another foul.  Izzie makes her free throws.

Croft throws the ball in to Seeney, who screams.  He looks down to see Jake’s wooden sword skirting into his rectum. 

Jake: Yo ho, let’s go!

Jake is called for a foul by the referee and Seeney hobbles toward the basket, making his shots.

The fouls mount to an ungodly number and both teams are on the precipe of having to forfeit the game.  The buzzer rings and the score is etched into history of the first posted basketball game of  Season 7, Week 1.

After the score is displayed, a brawl breaks out between the teams.  The referee is knocked out and thus, cannot control the pandemonium which ensues. 

Reverse Flash races around Cubby, causing a vortex which lifts the Neverland Pirate off the ground and propels him into a banner.  Cubby suffocates in the tapestry and dies.  As Izzie attempts to use her pixie dust to release Cubby to the ground (not knowing he is already dead), Croft slides across the floor and uses her lightsaber to cut the heads off of Izzie. 

Jake uses his Neverland skills to impale his wooden sword in the nefarious Waluigi.  Waluigi dies.  Jake turns around and Seeney rips into Jake’s throat with a slashing of daggers held in both hands.

Bo Jackson shatters a chair over the head of McStuffins, who crashes to the ground, profusely bleeding from her skull.  She is mortally wounded.  Bo looks down at his victim and is about to utilize his catchphrase in a witty way when Goofy picks him up and throws the ballplayer into the chairs surrounding the court.  Bo’s face is lulled over the back of a chair and Goofy curb stomps him.   A snap is heard and Goofy smiles.  Goofy then looks up to the scoreboard, shakes his head and hobbles back to the locker room, alone.