Universe Bowl V Prologue

“Ok, I’m tired of waiting around for this lazy jackass to watch Universe Bowl V. I’ll do it myself,” the overly arrogant Real Man mumbles to himself as he floats through the cosmos. “Ah, here we go. The Death Star, and on it, Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches. Now…. Where is, oh there they are. Miley and Barack’s Commandos are all aboard Rama. Together their massive space stations almost resemble the sheer majesty that is Real Man’s enormous shaft and singular testicle. All great men have only one ball. Just ask Lance Armstrong. Now where was I? Oh yes, Dark Phoenix erupts from the Death Star and begins to wreak unholy….”

BANG BANG BANG…… “Eric?!? Are you in there? What are you doing?!? Stop playing with yourself and come up for dinner!” shouts a shrieking voice from the blackness of space.

Reality now rights itself, and we find “Real Man” sitting in his parent’s basement with one hand shoved deep inside his boxers and the other holding the mouse to his computer.

“MOM!!!! My name is Real Man, not Eric,” shouts Real Man as he continues the quick and extremely short strokes within his boxers.

“Sheeesssh. Ummmm.. ahh yes… Wreak unholy havoc upon Rama and the Commandos.”

There is now a real flash of cosmic energy within this musty, basement full of self-loathing. Real Man is knocked from his computer chair just as he climaxes, which causes it to splatter all over his “You must be looking in Alderaan places” t-shirt.

“Wha wha wha…” mumbles Real Man as he wipes himself off of his face.

“What the f*** do you think you’re doing?!?!” exclaims the cosmic entity that is standing before him. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have messed with powers that you couldn’t even possibly begin to understand. I would like to introduce you to a very special Immell that I have created for you. His name is Liberacday, and he’s the genetically spliced clone of Liberace and Doomsday. I’m going to leave you two to get better acquainted. I’ve got a Universe Bowl to watch.”

The cosmic being known as Ryatu then disappears in a flash of the same cosmic energy that he appeared in. Real Man is still curled up in a ball on the ground as the grunting, heaving monster known as Liberacday stomps his way closer to him. Ryatu has now rematerialized overlooking the Playoff Planet, yet he can still hear the squeals and screams from Real Man that echo through the universe. He then thinks to himself, “Ha, well I know who the Murderflies are Off-Listing next year.”

Season 5, Consolation Round 3 – Dope Fiends vs Murderflies

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: Martin Riggs w/4 barrel Rocket Launcher

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are: Quick Draw McGraw and Teddy Roosevelt with a green lantern ring.

“Gawsh… I hope this is the right store, Teddy!” Pants an exhausted Quick Draw McGraw.

Teddy Roosevelt is riding atop the Hanna Barbara animated horse who is struggling mightily to keep from collapsing under the massive weight of our nation’s 26^th president.

“It HAS to be this store.  Do not worry, Baba Booey” replies Roosevelt as he dismounts from McGraw in front of the Lowe’s at the corner of 13 mile and Van Dyke.

“First, his name is Baba LOOEY, and my name is Quick Draw McGraw.” Says McGraw.

“Oh yeah… Same show though, right?” Teddy asks as they walk through the front door.

“It’s about time!” shouts an annoyed Martin Riggs who has setup camp near the entrance.  He is stretched out in a zero gravity lawn chair.  Countless pop cans and beef jerky wrappers litter the floor around him.  “You guys do know this match was supposed to start over 3 weeks ago, right!?”

“It isn’t OUR fault!” yells Roosevelt.  “Blame the watcher!  He never told us which hardware store to go to so we have been to 35 different Lowe’s and Home Depot’s in the Detroit area.”

“Whatever, lets get this party started.  I’ll give you two 5 minutes to get a game plan together and then I’m gonna level this place.” Says Riggs as he picks up his rocket launcher and takes off toward the lumber section.

Teddy turns to McGraw and instructs him to go find a small hatchet or a scratch awl.  “Something that doesn’t make a lot of noise,” he continues.  “I will fire off a couple rounds and draw his attention; you sneak up behind him and chop him in the back of the leg or something.”

The horse runs off leaving an animated puff of dust in his wake.  Teddy pulls out his trusty six shooter and starts to stroll down the aisles with his gun at the ready.  Riggs appears a few aisles in front of Teddy and aims his rocket launcher.  As he fires a rocket, Quick Draw McGraw sneaks up behind him and buries a utility knife into the detective’s ankle severing his Achilles tendon.  Riggs screams in pain and collapses hard on the floor dislocating his shoulder for the thousandth time.  He looks up just in time to watch his rocket explode harmlessly against a green brick wall from Teddy’s Green Lantern ring.  Riggs then kicks McGraw with his good foot and crawls on top of him.  He wrestles the utility knife easily out of his hoof and sinks it deep into the horse’s neck.  McGraw breathes in his own blood and within a matter of less than a minute is dead in a pool of cartoon blood.

Teddy stands up and the green energy wall in front of him disappears.  He jogs down to where the scuffle just happened and sees his teammate’s dead body.  He also sees a trail of blood leading out the other side of the aisle.  He smiles, lights a cigar and follows the bloody footprints.

Riggs doubles back toward the entrance using the row along the back side of the store.  Exhausted he turns down the paint aisle and does his all too familiar slam of his shoulder against the metal shelving.  “Man this gets annoying,” he says to himself as he pops it back into place.  As he recovers leaning against the shelf he looks at a row of spray paint.  “It’s kinda old school, but it just might work” he mutters quietly.

Teddy arrives finally and is met with a hobbled Martin Riggs pointing his newly spray painted rocket launcher at him about a hundred feet away.  Riggs fires and Teddy puts up another green wall of energy just in time to see a yellow spray painted rocket barrel at him.

“Oh, Bully…” is all he manages to get out before the explosion breaks the force of his ring and sends him flying against the back wall, killing him instantly.

TEAM Vs. Better Than All of You

TEAM is Joe Levine (w/ a heat ax), Carlos Chiappe-Soto (w/ a green lightsaber), and Cock Sneak Goomba #4.

Better Than All of You is Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Battle Droid #7, and Doozer #15


As the time passes before their meeting with the TEAM coaching staff, there is a significant amount of dissension in the ranks...

“I should obviously be the leader of this squad. After all, I have an extensive background as a diplomat and politician and am much more qualified than any other member of this crew”. Says Carlos to his two teammates. “You also have an extensive background as a gay, and as an individual that I need to s*&t on the face of”. Says Joe in reply. He continues: “The only person here who is qualified to lead this squad is me. Mainly because I don't suck at life nearly as much as you two Butt-Pirates”. This witty banter between the two TEAMmates (and I use that term loosely) continues as they, along with Cock Sneak Goomba #4 walk in to the front office of TEAM Headquarters. TEAM, as they have been all season long is still without a head coach; but they are met by Assistant Coaches The Oracle and Spock, General Manager Griffin Poteracki, and Offensive and Defensive Coordinators Mother Brain and Teletran 1. Spock says: “I understand that there is an issue between the three of you as to who should lead this squad”? “You may each respond, but keep it brief” adds Teletran 1. Carlos responds first: “Yes, I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my leadership abilities for what they are. I am the only qualified person among us. If for no other reason, because I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio with an I.Q. In the triple digits”. Joe speaks next: “I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah I like to eat d*%k”. Joe then begins doing a bad imitation of Carlos' Peruvian accent and says: I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my ability to not suck as much as they do. If for no other reason, I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio that has a wenis that can be seen without a microscope”. The Cock Sneak Goomba then politely addresses the coaching staff by saying: It matters not to me who leads this squad, I would just like to work together as a TEAM and have this dissension come to an end”. “Which is exactly why you will be the leader of this squad” says The Oracle. The squad is then immediately dismissed, despite the whines of both Carlos and Joe.

The Better Than All of You Squad has managed to get to Home Depot early, and have already set up a vantage point. With the help of Doozer #15's construction skills; Neidhart has set up a scaffold where he has access to numerous tools and materials to use as weapons against his opponents. When the TEAM trio first enters Home Depot, they are instantly attacked by the Betters sentry Battle Droid #7. “Take cover” yells the C.S. Goomba to his squad, as they all jump behind the counter to avoid the blaster bolts. “Don't tell me what to do goomba” says Carlos. “I'm with you on that for once Chiappe. I'd rather cut my schlong off than listen to this homo” Joe than takes his Eastwing Hammer and launches it at the battle droid, knocking the droid's head off. Carlos then gets out from behind the counter and snatches up Doozer #15 off the ground. The doozer looks at him defiantly and says: “You may kill me now, but you will never get through The Anvil's defenses. You are going to die in this Home Depot”. “Hmmm. That's great. I'm going to step on your face now, for being such a b@#$h”. Says Carlos as he throws the doozer on the ground and does exactly as he promised. “Ha. What a dick”. Says Joe. Carlos then begins putting the head back on the Battle Droid, which prompts Joe to ask: “What the S^&t are you doing Dumba$$”? “Dude, these things are so easy to put back together and reprogram. And we could probably use the extra help”. “That idea is really dumb. Most likely because it came from someone who is really stupid. I am going to go get a hot dog. Let me know when you ladies are actually ready to go kill Neidhart. He's the only enemy remaining, and it can't possibly be that bad”. Says Joe. With that sentence still floating about their ears, they begin to hear a series of deafening crashes from the ladder and heavy equipment department. The three members of TEAM (plus the reprogrammed battle droid that is following Carlos) rush towards the noise, to see Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart perched on top of an enormous scaffold, being held up by two forty foot ladders. He has the ladder feet bolted to the floor with a shelf propped up directly behind him with everything you could ever want to throw off of a ladder at somebody at the ready. The four TEAMsters barely evade a barrage of falling paint cans, by taking cover behind a stack of O.S.B. Joe turns to his squad and says: “Holy S&^T!! There's no way I can get through this barrage of bull*&t, especially with this group of gaywads backing me up”. “Your slow-a&& would trip and fall right in to his attack before we even got the chance to screw it up. So stop being a b&*^h. Replies Carlos. The two of them begin to bicker some more when the C.S.Goomba chimes in quickly and forcefully:

“SHUT UP!! Listen up you punks, the coaches put me in charge and that is how it is going to be. I sick of your mouths and the crap that is coming out of them. Now here is the plan... Battle Droid, you bounce back about twenty feet, and take cover behind the C.D.X. From there you can lay down a suppressing fire and keep Neidhart busy. Carlos: you're the Peruvian Madman, so make a mad dash towards the other side of the shelving, and climb up behind him. I'll be down here on the ground trying to draw his attacks away from all of you... And Joe... SMASH”!!

The Anvil gets sick of the laser blasts from his old teammate the battle droid and is able to take off the battle droid's head once again with a sailing Vaughn Hatchet (he would have preferred a Plumb Hatchet like everybody else in the world, but Home Depot still doesn't carry them). Joe is going crazy with his Heat Ax to break through the stacks of wood and debris that are protecting the bolted down feet of Jim's ladders while Carlos is getting closer and closer to the top. Just as he had planned the c.s. Goomba is taking the brunt of the attacks from down below, but thus far has evaded them all. It isn't until The Anvil pulls out the Dewalt stick nailer and starts firing down #16's at him that he starts to get hit. The new and improved goomba is slowed down by being stuck with so many nails; but isn't finished off until Neidhart throws the entire Emglo Compressor down on top of him. Now the finally united TEAM becomes totally enraged at seeing the death of the guy that brought them all together. Joe begins swinging his heat ax wildly and uses it to cast Blaze Level 2 which ignites half of the building in flames. Carlos has reached the top of the buildings steel rafters and makes a daring leap on to the scaffold. He now stands face to face with the pro wrestler. Carlos ignites his lightsaber, but it isn't enough, because before he can truly steady himself, The Anvil launches a bag of dried mortar at Carlos and sends him plummeting to his doom. Joe screams “NOOOOO” as he leaps up from a piece of burning treated lumber and uses his ax to slice through the tenth rung on Jim's ladder. The entire scaffold begins to shake, when Joe puts his shoulder in to it and sends the two ladders falling, with the pick and Neidhart on it coming down hard. The Anvil is down on the ground laying on a knocked over pallet of tar paper, when he comes to for a brief second to see Joe dropping his heat ax and grabbing his hammer, which goes by the name of Phoenix. Joe says: “In case you were wondering B&*(^ch, nobody messes with my gay TEAMmates but me”. Joe then drives his claw hammer in to the dome of Neidhart and walks out of the burning building alone.