UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER VII

The cavern is illuminated by greenish lichen which covers the walls.  Old Man Logan treks onward, sensing that he is near his goal.   He walks another two hundred yards.  The wailing of voices can be heard throughout the cave.  

SNICKT!!!  SNICKT!!!

Old Man Logan unsheathes his adamantium claws.   He is close.  So very close.

He turns the corner and sees a cornucopia of spirits, ghosts and banshees soaring throughout the room which he now stands at the foot.  A figure stands in the middle of the tumult, cradling something to its chest.  Old Man Logan cannot see who the person is, but surmises that he has located his target.  The form beneath the cowl is ashen, a deathly look imprinted across his face.

“Logan. . .”

Universe Bowl poster

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER VI

Plains Region. . .

The letter “Z” sizzles upon the bare chest of Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez.

Ramirez:  Nice move, Zorro, your blue lightsaber left a nice etching that I shall wear proudly.

Zorro:  That is not all I shall do to you with my trusted blade.

The two swordsmen battle one another through the lush and hilly landscape.  The lightsaber and blade never cross as the duo repeatedly dodges and parries.  The men’s movements are both graceful and fluid to the naked eye.  Unfortunately for Zorro, Ramirez, due to his age and experience, gains the upper hand.  The Immortal is about to stab Zorro in the heart when a shriek distracts him.

Greenwell:  HIT ‘EM WITH THE ‘HEIN!

General Manager Mike Greenwell’s battle cry is heard and Zorro escapes certain doom.  Greenwell uses his green lantern ring to lift himself off his Yoshi and fly toward the fight.  Ramirez now faces both Zorro and Greenwell, lightsabers ignited.

Ramirez:  A predicament I may be in, but one that I shall overcome.  PAUL!

The land shakes as Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox arrive at the scene.  Babe squashes Greenwell’s Yoshi beneath its hoof.  Greenwell shouts obscenities at the ox, which has caused the death of his trusted steed. 

Ramirez:  Now whom is overmatched, my friends.

Greenwell: Indeed.  Morgan!!!

Morgan Le Fay walks from behind a knoll.  The magician withdraws Voldemort’s wand from her cloak and unleashes its power upon Bunyan before he can do anything of significance in the battle.

Le Fay: Avada Kedavra!

A flash of green light and a rushing noise accompanies the instantaneous death of Bunyan.  Le Fay is about to cast a spell on the blue ox when Greenwell stops her.

Greenwell:  No, Morgan!  This cow is mine!

Greenwell, still reeling from the death of his Yoshi becomes consumed with causing havoc upon Babe.   He uses his green lantern ring to encase the animal and little-by-little utilizes his green lightsaber to slice off chunks of the cow.  Babe screams at the pain caused by Greenwell.  Greenwell decides to finish the beast off.  The Highness General Manager embeds the lightsaber in the animal’s skull, reaching its brain and killing him.

Ramirez is alone now.  He smiles and raises his blade, knowing his ultimate fate.

Zorro:  Goodbye, valiant warrior.

Ramirez is set upon by Greenwell, Le Fay and Zorro.  It is only a matter of moments before Ramirez is beheaded.

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER V



Darth Shemlayah stands before her acolytes, Brek Nyram and Nik Landsoh.  The entire Slaves team has been transported to the various regions of the Playoff Planet, but for the trio.  

Darth Shemalyah:  Today is the day when the Slaves will finally be triumphant and I shall be recognized as the seed which spawned the victory.

Brek Nyram:  My master, who would have guessed that your power would have grown to such heights.

Shemalyah:  There was never a doubt, Nyram.

Nik Landsoh:  What is next for us to do?

Shemalyah:  As always, we shall wait until we are called upon.  Never do we want to make our presence known to others before the time is ripe.  That is the way of the Sith.

Nyram:  What if we are losing though?

Shemalyah:  Losing is never an option given forethought by this team. 

Landsoh:  So?

Shemalyah:  We wait.  We watch.

Shemalyah closes her eyes and her body becomes rigid as if in a trance.  Landsoh and Nyram kneel before their master, shutting their eyes and following suit.

 

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER IV

Water Region. . .

Richard Nixon sits between Looney Tunes Gremlins #1 and 2 on a life raft in the middle of the Playoff Planet’s Water Region.  Nixon is profusely sweating at his current predicament.

Richard Nixon:  I am not a swimmer.

Frontiersman Hugh Glass looks back at his passengers. 

Glass:  Do not worry, Mr. President.  I know it’s a risk being out here because you are not a swimmer, but it will be okay. I promise to guide you back to land, safe and sound.

Richard Nixon:  Thank you, friend.  One must remember that if you take no risks, you will suffer no defeats.  But if you take no risks, you win no victories. 

The Looney Tunes Gremlins grin in unison at the Presidential quotes being spoken by Nixon.   Suddenly, the duo begins to jump up and down, rocking the boat as they notice something in the waves.  It is Spongebob Squarepants.

Spongebob:  Highness! You are no match for the might of the Slaves and our water dwellers!

Glass:  An ocean’s sponge shall be no worries to trap and dismember!  I’ve caught more ferocious dogs than you Spongebob!

Spongebob:  Not more ferocious than Mer-Man though!

A mention of his name brings Eternia’s Mer-Man from the waters.  Mer-Man’s trident skewers Glass.  A blank look appears on his face and the trapper turns back to the President.

Glass: My death shall mean something. . .

Glass, although mortally wounded, leaps from the boat, aiming at Spongebob.  He opens his mouth and swallows Spongebob Squarepants, whole. 

Mer-Man sees his teammate engulfed by the bearded man’s lips and shakes off the death of his friend.  He will have his revenge.  Mer-Man climbs aboard the raft and easily dispels with the two Looney Tunes Gremlins.

Richard Nixon:  Well, I screwed up really good, didn’t I?

Mer-Man impales Nixon on his trident.  The President’s body slides down the weapon until it rests at the prong’s beginning.  Nixon slowly looks up only to see the aquatic maw of his foe.  Mer-Man begins to chew on the President’s face, guffawing as screams litter the air.

 

 

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER III

            The mist in the air clouds the eyes of Old Man Logan.  He rubs them; they are a mere annoyance.  The mutant scans the area and notices the crevice located in the mountainous rock.  He turns his head to cough and wades on through the fog. 

Reed Richards anointed him the seeker of truth for his Royal Highness team.  Old Man Logan was transported by Richards several days before the Universe Bowl started, in search for the team’s head coach, Batman.   Without the guidance of the Caped Crusader to lead the troops, some thought it a dauntless task in defeating George Washington’s Slaves - - never Richards though.  Richards knew that although Batman was missing, Wayne was up to something that would inevitably bring their opponents to their knees.  That is, if Batman was ever found in the first place.

Old Man Logan clears his head and slowly walks into the cavern.

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER II

Desert Region. . .

Aladdin and Princess Jasmine ride Magic Carpet, Abu in tow.  The three are in good spirits, but still alert as they expect the Royal Highness to show its face any moment. The Disney characters, notwithstanding their predicament, break into song.

Aladdin: A whole new world

Princess Jasmine: A whole new world

Aladdin: That's where we'll be

Princess Jasmine: That's where we'll be

Aladdin: A thrilling chase

Princess Jasmine: A wondrous place

Both: For you and me

As the couple finishes their lyrics, the immense maw of Sandworm #1A explodes from the sands, opening its mouth to swallow the Slaves whole.  Magic Carpet reacts to the behemoth and skirts away, barely escaping instant death.

Aladdin:  That was close!!!

Princess Jasmine: Too close!  Where is that Genie when you need him?!?!

Aladdin whips out a lamp from his back pack and begins to furiously rub the piece.  Smoke erupts and Genie appears.

 
Aladdin:  About time you showed up!

Genie:  Hey, nobody called until just now!  What do you need, my master?

Aladdin:  Look below!

Genie sees Sandworm #1A re-enter into the desert’s ground, a wave of sand following the undulating form just below the surface.

Genie:  Ooooh, I’ve never been a Sandworm before!

POOF!

Two sandworms burst from the desert.  Sandworm #1A fights a blue Genie-Sandworm.  The two tear into each other and a monstrous battle ensues.  At the end, Sandworm #1A shudders and dies, not able to survive the wounds inflicted by Genie-Sandworm.

POOF!

Genie flies next to Magic Carpet, laughing at his success. Feeling somewhat safer than before, Magic Carpet lowers itself closer to the desert with Aladdin, Jasmine and Abu still aboard.  Suddenly, a blast of sand rips into Jasmine.  The princess falls.  Magic Carpet is unable to reach her before she plunges to her death, breaking her neck on the ground below.  The remaining members of the Slaves see streams of sand form into an individual; it is Sandman; he is the cause of her death.

Flint Marko looks down at a dead Jasmine.

Sandman:  Mission accomplished.

Aladdin:  Noooooo!

An enraged Abu defecates on his hands and begins to throw feces at Sandman, striking him several times.  In response to the poop, Sandman increases in size and as Magic Carpet attempts to avoid the villain, Marko manages to pluck Aladdin off the carrier.  He crushes Aladdin between his fingers and throws the thief and his wares next to his deceased love.

Genie reacts and forms, in essence, his own sand creation.  As he is about to tussle with Sandman, the Genie screams and POOF!

Sandman turns around and sees a crushed lamp in between the hands of Steel Doomsday; Genie is gone.  Sandman then focuses his attention on the monkey and carpet.  Marko creates a sandstorm, weighing the carpet down.  Steel Doomsday leaps to where Magic Carpet and Abu crash land.  Steel Doomsday rips Magic Carpet apart and steps on Abu’s head, instantly killing the primate.

Sandman and Steel Doomsday look at one another in triumph for the Royal Highness team.

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: CHAPTER I

Swamp Region. . .

Roger Rabbit wildly scans the area around his team.  The muck and stench make him cringe and the nervous cartoon character sweats profusely due to his ever-present anxiety.  He stutters to his teammates. 

Roger Rabbit: Ppppppllleeeaassee Bedtime, slow down!  I’m getting mud in my fur!

Bedtime Bear looks back at his teammate.

Bedtime Bear:  Shut the f@$% up you little b#$tch!  Mud in your fur is the least of your worries if you don’t zip your yapper!

Roger Rabbit winces and his ears flop downward, cuddling both sides of his head.

Good Luck Bear is seen, waddling beside his Care Bear brother.

Good Luck Bear:  Bedtime, you don’t have to be so hard on the rabbit.  I hate that we were teleported into this sh#thole too!

Bedtime Bear:  I understand Good Luck, but we haven’t got a choice.  Let’s make the most of it and score us some kills.

The three characters wade through the stagnant and mosquito-infested muck of the area.  The trio stumbles upon Crocodile Dundee.  The Australian smiles.

Dundee: Crikey!  What do we have here?

Dundeee ignites Darth Nihilus’ red lightsaber.   

Roger Rabbit scuttles behind the blue and green-colored Care Bears and attempts to hide in every crevice currently owned by the stuffed animals.

Bedtime Bear:  G#dd%&mit.  Get the f@$% off me you pu$$y!

Bedtime knocks Roger away and the Care Bear duo focus on Dundee.  They instantly turn around after a scream is heard.  They look to see Roger being ripped apart by Tony the Tiger.  Roger is disemboweled and dies with a starry gaze in his eyes. 

Bedtime Bear:  F@$%’n tiger killed Roger!!!

Good Luck:  I saw, a$$hole!  Now it’s time for us to step up and claim this skirmish for the Highness!

Each bear now faces his enemy; Bedtime targets Tony while Good Luck focuses on Crocodile Dundee.  Dundee’s muscles glisten as his tanned and oiled skin captures his perfect movements.  The lightsaber cuts Good Luck in half, stuffing flying from the bear’s body as his wispy entrails litter the water below.

Bedtime:  F@$% you, you Kellogg’s wh#re!

Bedtime rushes Tony, but the tiger’s paws latch onto Bedtime well before the bear can reach his target.  The claws of Tony begin to rip the Care Bear apart.  The final blow arrives and Tony’s maw latches onto Bedtime’s head, decapitating the moon-crested stuffed animal.

Dundee:  How did the rabbit and bear taste, Tony?

Tony the Tiger:  They’re greeeeaaaattt!!!!

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: PROLOGUE IV

“You. . . were. . .”

Darth Shemalyah focuses on the figure slowly advancing from the shadows.   The Dark Knight stands over the Sith Lord.

“. . . never dead.” 

Darth Shemalyah cackles, her guttural rumblings sounding like nails over a chalk board.

“I am Darth Shemalyah.  I am the one.  I am the only.   I will survive this like I have survived before this.  I am eternal.  You are mortal, but a man at the feet of a god.”

“The last time I checked, gods don’t bleed.  The last time I checked the gods were but a figment of man’s imagination spawned by those yearning for something more.  You are nothing.”

“I am everything!!!!!” shrieks Shemalyah.

“You. Are. Nothing.  A figment of a man's imagination.” Batman quips.

Batman reaches on his back and pulls out the reason he has been missing.  An enchanted weapon lies in his hands.  He lowers the armament against Shemalyah’s head and presses the trigger.

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: PROLOGUE III

Royal Highness Locker Room. . .

Reed Richards stands before his teammates.  Silence grips the locker room.

Reed Richards:

On Friday evening last I received from the owner of the Royal Highness the mission to find Batman. It was the evident will of our owner and our teammates that this should be conceived on the broadest possible basis and that it should include all parties.

I have already completed the most important part of this task.

In this crisis I think I may be pardoned if I do not address our team at any length today, and I hope that any of my friends and colleagues or former colleagues who are affected by the missing Dark Knight will make all allowances for any lack of ceremony with which it has been necessary to act.

I say to this team that stands before me, as I said to the owner,  I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many hours of struggle and suffering.

You ask, what is our policy? I say it is to wage war by land, sea, and air. War with all our might and with all the strength we have been given, and to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark and lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy.

You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is victory. Victory at all costs - Victory in spite of all terrors - Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival.

Let that be realized. No survival for the Royal Highness, no survival for all that the Royal Highness has stood for, no survival for the urge, the impulse of the ages, that we shall move forward toward our goal.

I take up my task in buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. I feel entitled at this juncture, at this time, to claim the aid of all and to say, Come then, let us go forward together with our united strength.

 

The Royal Highness combatants erupt at Richards’ dynamic motivational speech. High-ness! High-ness!! High-ness!!! HIGH-NESS!  HIGH-NESS!!  HIGH-NESS!!  HIGH-NESS!!!

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: PROLOGUE II

George Washington's Slaves' Locker Room. . .

Darth Shemalyah slowly enters into a Playoff Planet locker room, currently holding the entire squad of George Washington’s Slaves.  The female Sith Lord is followed by her two apprentices, Brek Nyram and Nik Landsoh.  Shemalyah looks at her team and smirks.  She uses the Dark Side to float her body atop one of the benches located in the center of the room.  All eyes are on Shemalyah as she begins to speak.

Darth Shemalyah:  

Winning is not a sometime thing; it's an all the time thing. You don't win once in a while; you don't do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.  There is no room for second place. There is only one place in my game, and that's first place. This team has finished second before and I don't ever want this team to finish second again. There is no second place bowl game, but if there were, it is a game for losers played by losers. It is and always has been an FFL team zeal to be first in anything we do, and to win, and to win, and to win.

Every time a combatant goes to ply his trade he's got to play from the ground up - from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That's okay. You've got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you're lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he's never going to come off the field second.

Running an FFL team is no different than running any other kind of organization - an army, a political party or a business. The principles are the same. The object is to win - to beat the other guy. Maybe that sounds hard or cruel. I don't think it is. It is a reality of life that men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men. That's why they are there - to compete. To know the rules and objectives when they get in the game. The object is to win fairly, squarely, by the rules - but to win.

And in truth, I've never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn't appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat. I don't say these things because I believe in the "brute" nature of man or that men must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in myself, and I believe in  this team. But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious!

Having completed her motivational speech, Shemalyah looks to her team.  The entire Slaves’ squad gazes at their peers in awe.  This is the first time the Sith Lord has spoken more than a few words and all realize this fact.  Silence.  The locker room then erupts in a frenzy, all chanting: Slaves!  Slaves!!  Slaves!!!  SLAVES!  SLAVES!!  SLAVES!!!

UNIVERSE BOWL IX: PROLOGUE I

The tattered remnants of a black cloak grip the figure as it crawls over the scorched concrete.  The individual’s hands which cling to the ground are bloodied, covered in the fluids of both herself and her adversaries.  The body which follows her hands on the terrain is broken.  The wheezing sound of the form’s lungs screams in her ears as she futilely attempts to imbibe the air into her body, sustaining her life.  She must not only survive; she must live!

Although worn and sullied, she instinctively reaches for her weapon when she senses the presence of her enemy. She exhales a croaking sigh, remembering that she is without her armament.  The light around her is engulfed by the shade which now looms above.  As she recognizes who the shadow belongs to, her lip huskily utters:

“You. . . .”