" Welcome everyone to round #3 of Season six pre-season action! I am your host, the INTERNET CHAMPION. Long Island Iced Z. Zack Ryder."
"As you've all seen so far the action has be SSSSSIIIICCCCKKKKK! To give you a quick recap, the Frank Herbert division fist pumped the face of the Tolkein division and only lost one member of their team, Jay Garrick-the golden age Flash. But if I were Dark Jedi Pete Sosa, vampire Starfire, and The Midnighter I wouldn't be popping any Bud Light Limes just yet cause the next round
isn't gonna be any easier, as the Spielberg division pulled out an impressive victory over the Arthur C
Clarke division with only psychic ninja hottie Psylocke and my broski
Triple H surviving through to the next round."
"Well, that does it for me. We take you back to the action where WWE Hall of Fame announcer, and another broski of mine good ole JR- Jim Ross will be calling the shots. But before I got don't forget to like me on facebook! Follow me on twitter! Buy all the Zack Ryder merchandise on WWESHOP.com and download my new hit single "Hoeski" on iTunes! Tweet me a pic of your purchase of my single and I will follow YOU on Twitter. Make sure you keep tweeting me till I follow you."
"Take care. Spike your hair. WOO WOO WOO. You know it!"
"Thank you, Zack and welcome back to the action, folks. The ring is just about clear, the Herberts division is discussing strategy in the ring as the Spielberg division heads down the-. Hold on. Someone's storming the ring, pushing past the Spielberg members... Is that? It seems to be... yes it is it'sCM Punk. But what the hell is he doing here? He hasn't been signed to any team yet! The draft isn't for another couple days. What business does he have interrupting this match"
"Looks like Punk has a microphone. This is always...interesting to say the least. Let's see what's on mister Punk's mind."
"Ladies and gentlemen, and I use those terms very loosely, I am here interrupting your little happy happy fun time because a crime is going to be committed. That's right. A crime will be committed and not surprisingly no one is willing to do anything about it."
"What's the crime? Simple. The crime of ignorance. That's right, ignorance. I took a look at the so called 'draft list' to get an idea of which of your various heroes and saviors I'll have the pleasure of dismantling and pushing down from grace this year, and I see that not only am I entered at #46, which is a joke, but my supposed 'ranking' is only 8 measly points. 8. The longest reigning WWE champion of the last 25 years, the second city saint, the straight edged messiah, THE BEST IN THE WORLD is worth less points than a furry orange tree hugger or a panda that knows karate and I demand to know why."
"Listen up Punk, this isn't the time or the place for you. Now I suggest you leave this ring right now. I already killed me one former WWE champion tonight. I got no problem killing you and then Triple H for the hat trick" smirked Pete Sosa as he ignites his lightsaber "Matter of fact, I think that'd be a fine way to start this season."
"Yeah, big man? You gonna kill an unarmed man, tough guy? Oooooh. Big, bad ass Jedi man gonna kill me. Well come on. Strike me down, before I really get pissed off and decide to put your LIGHTS OUT!"
"Well, folks. I don't know exactly how good a pick CM Punk is gonna be in this year's draft since he's apparently gonna come in with one dea-"
"What the hell? Where are the damn lights? I hear a struggle. I see some flashes of a purple light. What the hell is going on down there? CAN SOMEONE GET THE DAMN LIGHTS UP??!!!!"
"Ok, the lights are back up. Oh my. My god ladies and gentlemen. The ring. The ring is full of..well it's filled with pure carnage and brutality. The Midnighter has been decapitated. Half of Psylocke is in the ring and the other half seems to be hanging from the lights. Vampire Starfire has been impaled by the arm of jedi Sosa. Her mouth full of the Jedi's blood, as it looks like she tore his damn throat out as he killed her. The lone person standing amidst the gore is a blood splattered CM Punk, who seems to be laughing. Did he...did he kill everyone? What the hell is going on??!! The only one who seems to be untouched is Triple H, but he's nowhere near the ring? Punk looks like he's got more to say, let's hear from him"
"Let me break things down for you. It's not just about your superpowers. It's not how fast or strong you are. If you have a magic ring, or are weakened by a rock or a match, if you have a healing power or any of that crap. It's all in who you know and who you owe. And right now you all will know two things. Number one is that I am a very dangerous man with very dangerous friends. Number two is that I will NOT abide by anyone looking down their nose at me or any of my professional brethren.Unfortunately for the Herbert division,the kitties made the mistake of disrespecting one of the true greats in my business and by extension me, so I felt I owed them a little lesson. The good news for the Herberts, and any division really, is that I'm willing to be the bigger man and forgive you all for your previous missteps."
" I'll see you all on draft day, maybe even sooner for some of you"
"Ladies and gentlemen. I'm at a loss for words. As we see Punk exit the arena he's walking past Triple H who's just staring with a big smile on his face. Punk's looking up towards the skybox where all the owners from the Spielberg division are celebrating. He's pointing at them. He's yelling something....'Did I pass the audition?' What the hell does that mean??!! Did I pass the audition? Is Punk...is Punk aligned with a team in the Spielberg division? Did someone pay him off?? Wait. It seems that...is that Horsemen owner Ryan Poteracki giving Punk the thumbs up??!! Folks, I wish I had more answers for you, but for now all I can say is thanks to CM Punk the damn Steven Spielberg division has won the match thanks to that sneaky, slimey, vile opportunist CM Punk."
"For the Ocho, this is Jim Ross signing off! Good night everybody!"
Friday, February 8, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Pre-Season Tournament: Match #2
American League Pre-Season Throw Down
The Announcers are Dean Cain and Shia LaBeouf.
The Special Guest Referee is Terri Hatcher (not modern day “South Beach Crazy” Terri Hatcher; but “HOT”, young, “Maybe she could peal “7” lbs. because we don't know how “not great” she is going to look when she does” Terri Hatcher.
“Welcome to Season 6 ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dean; and my cohort over here is Shia. We've got a ton of Pre-Season action for you here tonight so lets get down to it”.
“Well Dean, let's not get to excited about it; after all, it is only Pre-Season.” says Shia.
Your host with the most Dean Cain says: “Hmmm... wow Shia, are you just purposely being a dick; or was that just an example of your natural need to publicly criticize everything that you are directly involved in”?
Shia begins to retort but Dean evidently decides to let that question transform in to a rhetorical one right before our eyes. The Super-stud gets on with the match per-cursors by saying: “We are especially happy to be here and to introduce our special guest referee Terri Hatcher, who is currently in the ring awaiting the two teams, while wearing absolutely nothing. She looks great; but Shia, before I turn it over to you for the team introductions, I must admit that I am not looking forward to going in to this crowd of wrestling fans and explaining to all of these adolescent-minded retards why there wiener is getting hard”.
Shia shakes off a bewildered look and says: “Wow Dean, if that comment was any shittier, the National Enquirer would be informing me that I said it at a bar I don't remember being at. But, anyway here are our teams. Now coming down the aisle representing the Ryan Poteracki Division are Jedi Master #38C (from TEAM), Sardakaur #47 (from Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers), (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler (from Griswold's Nut-Busters), and Andre the Giant (from Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies). And from the Matt Oblak Division... Sorry, for the antiquated division names here by the way. I just never did learn those new-fangled divisions last season”.
“Of course you didn't.... Dillhole”. Says a smug Cainster.
Shia continues: “The Midnighter (from The Royal Highness), (Vampire) Starfire (from Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family), Dark Jedi Pete Sosa (from Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve), and The Flash (Golden Age/Jay Garrick) (from Team Sleeping Pussy)”. Shia continues: “But aside from that, I gotta say: Damn 90's Terri Hatcher looks good. Sooooo Dean, I gotta know... Did you hit that back in the day or what”?
Cainasaurus Rex answers: “Did I hit that?...? Did Iiiiiiii hit that you say?? What do you think La-poof? I'm Dean F*&^%ng CAIN!! I'm a blond haired, quarter Asian guy who eats less than 385 calories a day and can bench-press your mom. I was done with that before you could “Even Steven” son”.
The Match begins with Nude Terri Hatcher attempting to maintain some semblance of rules. She instructs both teams that only one person per team may fight at a time and that they need to tag in their desired teammate when they wish to switch. It works great for the first few minutes, until Vampire Starfire gets hungry and decides to eat her. This throws off any semblance of order as all 8 competitors jump in to the ring and begin battling wildly. The Jedi Master and the Sardakaur terror troop get instantly locked in to intense battles with Vampire Starfire and The Midnighter, while Andre the Giant starts thundering towards Pete. The Flash starts circling the ring at amazing speeds in order to throw off his opponents.
Dean Cain comments awesomely: “Holy crap, I haven't seen anything move that fast since the last time Shia had to much to drink and got behind the wheel”.
Shia is about to retort smugly when two poison darts come sailing through the air and hit the non-desired targets of Dean Cain's eye and Shia LaBeouf's throat. The Sardakaur carefully aimed these projectiles; but The Midnighter anticipated the attack and moved out of the way in the nick of time. The Midnighter then kicks the imperial-crested blade out of the hands of the terror troop, but the well-trained trooper parries and backs in to a defensive position. The Sardakaur then pulls the shigawire strand out of his hair and begins to move towards The Midnighter; but this Batman rip-off isn't afraid to get down and dirty when it comes to killing his opponents. He moves swiftly ducking under the Sardakaur's right arm and then grabs a hold of both of his elbows to pull the razor sharp wire back on the trooper's own neck slicing it open. The Jedi Master manages to hold off Starfire's eye blasts with his lightsaber; but in the end is no match for the “Vamped-up” Tamaranian when she goes in for the kill by flying in feet first to take the lightsaber out of his hand. She then grabs a hold of his head and starts squeezing. Blood begins to drip from the eyes and nose of the Jedi before she digs her fangs into his neck.
The well-groomed, very disciplined, and perfectly physically fit Dark Jedi known as Pete Sosa begins to talk all kinds of smack to Andre the Giant, as he ignites the green lightsaber he took from the dead Jedi Padawan who had the poor foresight to cross him. “Someone of your stature could be so physically powerful, but instead you obviously waste your gifts with a self-indulgent life style. I will happily end your existence”.
Andre then surprises the Sosa-nater, by moving much faster than expected. He bats the lightsaber out of his hand with his massive fist and then picks up Pete by his neck. Pete struggles to get the massive hands unlocked from around his throat but even with his strength being aided by that of the force he cannot budge him. Pete's face is completely red when begins to concentrate with all of his might on using the force to aim the antiquated .45 Taurus Pistol that it is holstered at his back. Without touching the gun at all, he pulls back the firing pin with his mind and blasts off one of Andre's toes through his enormous black boots. The Giant is furious as he throws Pete down to the ground. Pete manages to jump up much quicker than expected after being thrown down hard by the wrestler and uses the force to suck his lightsaber back in to his right hand. Pete then leaps in to the air and drives the lightsaber deep in to the shoulder blade and down into the body of Andre the Giant to take his revenge. Flash is still moving at astounding rates but he is still having trouble keeping up with Nightcrawler's constant teleporting. The mutant then teleports directly in front of Flash's line of travel and has a Cutlass-style sword waiting for the meta-human to run right into. (A of A) Nightcrawler then begins to attack The Midnighter who manages to parry the initial attacks of the alternate dimension mutant. But before The Midnighter's brain can formulate a scenario to defeat his opponent, the action becomes unnecessary. While Nightcrawler is busy with his “pitched”1 battle against The Midnighter, Starfire bears her fangs once again and uses them to rip the back of the blue mutants neck off effortlessly.
1 Becks shout-outs Fo' Life
The Announcers are Dean Cain and Shia LaBeouf.
The Special Guest Referee is Terri Hatcher (not modern day “South Beach Crazy” Terri Hatcher; but “HOT”, young, “Maybe she could peal “7” lbs. because we don't know how “not great” she is going to look when she does” Terri Hatcher.
“Welcome to Season 6 ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dean; and my cohort over here is Shia. We've got a ton of Pre-Season action for you here tonight so lets get down to it”.
“Well Dean, let's not get to excited about it; after all, it is only Pre-Season.” says Shia.
Your host with the most Dean Cain says: “Hmmm... wow Shia, are you just purposely being a dick; or was that just an example of your natural need to publicly criticize everything that you are directly involved in”?
Shia begins to retort but Dean evidently decides to let that question transform in to a rhetorical one right before our eyes. The Super-stud gets on with the match per-cursors by saying: “We are especially happy to be here and to introduce our special guest referee Terri Hatcher, who is currently in the ring awaiting the two teams, while wearing absolutely nothing. She looks great; but Shia, before I turn it over to you for the team introductions, I must admit that I am not looking forward to going in to this crowd of wrestling fans and explaining to all of these adolescent-minded retards why there wiener is getting hard”.
Shia shakes off a bewildered look and says: “Wow Dean, if that comment was any shittier, the National Enquirer would be informing me that I said it at a bar I don't remember being at. But, anyway here are our teams. Now coming down the aisle representing the Ryan Poteracki Division are Jedi Master #38C (from TEAM), Sardakaur #47 (from Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers), (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler (from Griswold's Nut-Busters), and Andre the Giant (from Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies). And from the Matt Oblak Division... Sorry, for the antiquated division names here by the way. I just never did learn those new-fangled divisions last season”.
“Of course you didn't.... Dillhole”. Says a smug Cainster.
Shia continues: “The Midnighter (from The Royal Highness), (Vampire) Starfire (from Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family), Dark Jedi Pete Sosa (from Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve), and The Flash (Golden Age/Jay Garrick) (from Team Sleeping Pussy)”. Shia continues: “But aside from that, I gotta say: Damn 90's Terri Hatcher looks good. Sooooo Dean, I gotta know... Did you hit that back in the day or what”?
Cainasaurus Rex answers: “Did I hit that?...? Did Iiiiiiii hit that you say?? What do you think La-poof? I'm Dean F*&^%ng CAIN!! I'm a blond haired, quarter Asian guy who eats less than 385 calories a day and can bench-press your mom. I was done with that before you could “Even Steven” son”.
The Match begins with Nude Terri Hatcher attempting to maintain some semblance of rules. She instructs both teams that only one person per team may fight at a time and that they need to tag in their desired teammate when they wish to switch. It works great for the first few minutes, until Vampire Starfire gets hungry and decides to eat her. This throws off any semblance of order as all 8 competitors jump in to the ring and begin battling wildly. The Jedi Master and the Sardakaur terror troop get instantly locked in to intense battles with Vampire Starfire and The Midnighter, while Andre the Giant starts thundering towards Pete. The Flash starts circling the ring at amazing speeds in order to throw off his opponents.
Dean Cain comments awesomely: “Holy crap, I haven't seen anything move that fast since the last time Shia had to much to drink and got behind the wheel”.
Shia is about to retort smugly when two poison darts come sailing through the air and hit the non-desired targets of Dean Cain's eye and Shia LaBeouf's throat. The Sardakaur carefully aimed these projectiles; but The Midnighter anticipated the attack and moved out of the way in the nick of time. The Midnighter then kicks the imperial-crested blade out of the hands of the terror troop, but the well-trained trooper parries and backs in to a defensive position. The Sardakaur then pulls the shigawire strand out of his hair and begins to move towards The Midnighter; but this Batman rip-off isn't afraid to get down and dirty when it comes to killing his opponents. He moves swiftly ducking under the Sardakaur's right arm and then grabs a hold of both of his elbows to pull the razor sharp wire back on the trooper's own neck slicing it open. The Jedi Master manages to hold off Starfire's eye blasts with his lightsaber; but in the end is no match for the “Vamped-up” Tamaranian when she goes in for the kill by flying in feet first to take the lightsaber out of his hand. She then grabs a hold of his head and starts squeezing. Blood begins to drip from the eyes and nose of the Jedi before she digs her fangs into his neck.
The well-groomed, very disciplined, and perfectly physically fit Dark Jedi known as Pete Sosa begins to talk all kinds of smack to Andre the Giant, as he ignites the green lightsaber he took from the dead Jedi Padawan who had the poor foresight to cross him. “Someone of your stature could be so physically powerful, but instead you obviously waste your gifts with a self-indulgent life style. I will happily end your existence”.
Andre then surprises the Sosa-nater, by moving much faster than expected. He bats the lightsaber out of his hand with his massive fist and then picks up Pete by his neck. Pete struggles to get the massive hands unlocked from around his throat but even with his strength being aided by that of the force he cannot budge him. Pete's face is completely red when begins to concentrate with all of his might on using the force to aim the antiquated .45 Taurus Pistol that it is holstered at his back. Without touching the gun at all, he pulls back the firing pin with his mind and blasts off one of Andre's toes through his enormous black boots. The Giant is furious as he throws Pete down to the ground. Pete manages to jump up much quicker than expected after being thrown down hard by the wrestler and uses the force to suck his lightsaber back in to his right hand. Pete then leaps in to the air and drives the lightsaber deep in to the shoulder blade and down into the body of Andre the Giant to take his revenge. Flash is still moving at astounding rates but he is still having trouble keeping up with Nightcrawler's constant teleporting. The mutant then teleports directly in front of Flash's line of travel and has a Cutlass-style sword waiting for the meta-human to run right into. (A of A) Nightcrawler then begins to attack The Midnighter who manages to parry the initial attacks of the alternate dimension mutant. But before The Midnighter's brain can formulate a scenario to defeat his opponent, the action becomes unnecessary. While Nightcrawler is busy with his “pitched”1 battle against The Midnighter, Starfire bears her fangs once again and uses them to rip the back of the blue mutants neck off effortlessly.
1 Becks shout-outs Fo' Life
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Super Sunday - A Look Back at the Universe Bowl
In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, here is a look back at the first five years worth of Universe Bowls...
Universe Bowl I
June 10, 2008
TEAM defeated Le' Napoleon's Brigade
Univers Bowl II
June 23, 2009
Horsemen of Apokolips defeated George Washington's Slaves
Universe Bowl III
August 20, 2010
Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches defeated Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
Universe Bowl IV
August 4, 2011
Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve defeated The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets
Universe Bowl V
August 22, 2012
Miley Cyrus & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos defeated Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches
Universe Bowl I
June 10, 2008
TEAM defeated Le' Napoleon's Brigade
Univers Bowl II
June 23, 2009
Horsemen of Apokolips defeated George Washington's Slaves
Universe Bowl III
August 20, 2010
Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches defeated Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
Universe Bowl IV
August 4, 2011
Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve defeated The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets
Universe Bowl V
August 22, 2012
Miley Cyrus & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos defeated Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches
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