Spoiler Sport Week 9!

Hello everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport. Here on The Ocho! In Week 9, The FFL action took us to The Emperor's Throne Room aboard The Death Star. This final week would decide the fates of many teams, some with shocking consequences!

We start in The Lee conference, where The Murderflies' Zombie Darth Maul's reign of terror was ended by Teneb Kel. Kel's victory is short lived, as The Mandarin rings up another kill. Finally, the killing machine known as Doomsday finishes the job for The Nut-Busters by ripping The Mandarin limb from limb!

Byran Beckerman's patience was tested in The Kitties/Highness match, as the very existence of the Death Star hung in the balance. Vampire Jean Grey beats White Lantern Spirit of yoda to secure Beck's property, along win the win for The Royal Highness. Nontheless, Layanderett's Super Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family march into the Play-offs!

Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors continue their fall from grace, and TEAM is more than happy to take the win! Doped up French Vampires #91-93 are no match for Luuke Skywalker, Trioculous, and Force Adept #5.

Team Sleeping Pussy's Korvac and Jonah Hex make an explosive entrance on Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions, but an unimpressed Aku takes out Hex. Care Becks' censored actions, along with Aku, and Kister, manage to distract Korvac enough for Pre-Suit Vader to land the killing blow!

Over in the Lucas Division, B-3's Darth Vader stood alone after Triple H and REAL MAN fell. He quickly cut down Pre Visla, and threw Magneto down the dreaded pit! The Master of Magnetism proved he was far from done, by levitating up and using the abundant metal in the throne room to skewer Lord Vader, thus securing The Midget's win!

Maybe I'm seeing things, but I think The Rabblerousers killed each other, but only Loki knows for sure. The Slaves can only hope that their momentum carries them far into the post-season!

The Horsemen of Apokolips' Harley Quinn and CSI Miami's amputated Horatio Caine overcome The Grindhouse's final Warwolf #1, surviving the match despite C.M. Punking out! Well Horsemen, when it comes to your repeated division titles, I guess you could say I should give you... a hand.

The Commandos' Dora had her loyalties tested by The Empire's Vladimir Putin, but sided with Barack Obama in the end. Earth-2 Superman bested Scarlet Witch and Black Zero for the victory, but with the loss of The President and figurehead Obama, have The Commandos sacrificed too much, or is it all part of the plan?

Unfortunately, Pepper Brooks remains hospitalized and cannot deliver his trademark Resurrection Points report. Hang in there kid!!!

Join us next week, as The FFL heads to the first round of The Play-Offs in the shadows of the always deadly Play-Off Planet! We also return to the always amusing Consolation Round matches, located at the barrel stage of Donkey Kong. Coming up on The Ocho, we head to lovely Central Asia to witness the sport of Buzkashi on tape delay. For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you and goodnight.

Season 7 Final Standings

SEASON 7 FINAL STANDINGS

George Lucas Conference
Steven Spielberg Division
z-Horsemen  - 8 - 1
w-Midgets  - 6 - 3
Backyardigans  - 5 - 4
Grindhouse  - 1 - 8

Arthur C. Clarke Division
x-Slaves  - 6 - 3
w-Commandos  - 5 - 4
Empire  - 5- 4
Rabble Rousers  - 2 - 7

Stan Lee Conference
J.R.R. Tolkien Division
y-TEAM  - 7 - 2
Mitchy  - 4 - 5
Nut Busters  - 4 - 5
Murderflies  - 3 - 6

Frank Herbert Division
x-Turrible Decisions  - 5 - 4
w-Team S.P.  - 4 - 5
w-Layanderlett  - 4 - 5
Highness  - 3 - 6

z- Best Record in League
y-Best Record in Conference
x-Best Record in Division
w-Wild Card Playoff Team

Play-Offs Round 1

Setting: The Play-Off Planet
Prize: Pre-Guild Foldspace Ship
Points: 750

-The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. President Barack Obama and Pop-Superstar Miley Cyrus “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos (Seney)
-The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets Vs. George Washington’s Slaves (Dave)
-TEAM Vs. Layanderlet’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Artrip)
-Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Mike)

Please have these line ups in to your respective watcher by 12:00 Noon on Thursday May 22nd. They will be finished by Monday morning June 2nd.

s7w9- Highness vs Kitties

The Royal Highness are: Darth Scarz w/Red Lantern ring, Vampire Jean Grey, Paula Dean, and Linus Van Pelt

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are: Supergirl, Yoda's Spirit (w/ White Lantern Ring), and President Skroob

The fierce battle between Jedi and Sith once more rages on the Death Star. Caught in the crossfire Paula Deen, Linus and President Skroob have fallen, being totally unequipped to be placed in such circumstances.

"Filthy supershadow being." spits Yoda "Not cannon you are. Outmatched and classed you will be."

Scarz is sweating profusely and trying to catch his breath."Just....just wait until Jeanie gets ahold of y-" he is unable to finish his sentence as Yoda eviscerates him. As Darth Scarz dies, Yoda leans in to his fallen foe.

"Original trilogy, you must respect. Even now. Supergil, being like Luke she is. Destroy the Death Star she shall and Jean..."

"Wait. WHAT THE HELL???!!!" yells Bryan Beckerman as the action freezes in place. "Josh. What's up, boy? You told me that if I let you guys use the Death Star in week nine, nothing would happen to it. Now Seeney's gonna blow it up? The hell, man?"

"Hey, hey.Don't blame this on me. I didn't know he'd destroy the thing. But hey, if that's how he sees it, that's how it goes." responds Josh

"Don't give me that. He's constantly blowing up planets. It's just his way of getting out of writing a bunch of character deaths. Well, not this time. He's not blowing up MY Death Star. No."

"What's the big deal?" asks Josh "It's not like the destruction will count"

"It weakens the Death Star and that can really hurt me long term in the playoffs."

"Dude. You're not even in the playoffs. So what's the big deal?" smirks Josh

Beckerman's nose flares. He snaps his fingers and there's a clatter. Instantly, the dead body of Supergirl appears infront of the two.

"DUDE. WHAT THE F**K!" screams Josh "That's one of my kids characters! You can't do that."

"Uh. It's in the match and that's 'how the Watcher sees it' so it looks like I can." Becks responds coldly.

Seething. Josh snaps HIS fingers and Supergirls rises back to life, only to have Becks kill her again. The two go back and forth with this display of Watcher power until Ryan appears.

"What the hell are you two assh***es doing to MY Supergirl??" he demands causing the childish back and forth to cease.

"YOUR Supergirl? She's on the Kitties now. She's not yours anymore" responds Josh.

"Whatever. Deep down, she'll always be a Horseman." says Ryan "Now, can we all just get out of here and let the match continue? I'm so sick of seeing the Watchers dominating the matches this year."

"I'll leave as long as he guarantees the Death Star doesn't get destroyed. I think that's fair." acquiesces Beckerman

"Dude. I told you that..." begins Josh when suddenly, the mad titan Thanos appears with the reality gem in hand.

"Gentleman, gentleman. Allow me to interrupt. I think I have a solution that benefits everybody." he smiles, and then looks at Poteracki "Well, ALMOST everybody." as Supergirl struggles to her feet, Thanos walks over to her and snaps her neck while never breaking eye contact with the owner of the Horsemen.

"There." he grins "Now the Death Star is in tact, and no one wins your charming display of power."

"Works for me" says Beckerman

"Yeah, the Kitties still have Yoda. I'm good" agrees Josh

"Splendid. Splendid. Everybody wins" as Thanos goes to leave, he turns to the seething Ryan Poteracki.

"I guess I'll be seeing you in the playoffs. Give Superman and the Horsemen my WARMEST regards. I do so look forward to seeing you there." he chuckles as he disappears.

Ryan's face is the deepest shade of red anyone has ever seen. To say he's furious would be an understatement "You son of a bitch. You better prepare yourself for pure, unbridled hell" he snarls as they all leave the Death Star and the battle recommences. 

Yoda uses his white lantern ring to fly out into space. He uses the Force to search for his remaining opponent, when out of nowhere, Jean Grey jumps on him and sinks her fangs into his neck. As she feeds Yoda struggles to resist, his white ring rapidly losing charge as the life from Yoda is drained. The ring charge hits zero and disappears, but instead of dying he reverts to his corporeal form.

"New plan, you must form" he smiles "For a ghost, eat or strike you cannot."

"True" says Jean "But a powerful telepath I am. And now gone you are" as with a wave of her hand, Jean manipulates the thought waves of Yoda's spirit causing him to lose concentration and disappear.

Consolation Round 1

Setting: The Barrel Stage from Donkey King
Prize: A Landmaster and 15 Graveyard Points.
Points: 26

Match-ups:
-Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters (Bryatu)
-Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. REAL MAN's Rabble Rousers (Pogo)
-Beckerman's Backyardigans: Beeyatches Vs. The Empire (Joshatu)
-The Royal Highness Vs. Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors (Nick).

Please have these line ups in to your respective watcher by 12:00 Noon on Thursday May 22nd. They should be posted before the "Big" play-off matches.

S7W9 The Sisterhood of Traveling Midgets vs Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyotches

The Midgets are: Magneto, Pre Vizsla, Paploo

The Backyardigans are: Darth Vader, Triple H (w/ red lightsaber), REAL MAN!!!

“This place is so much cooler than my mom’s basement!” Says an enthusiastic Eric looking out at the views from the throne room 100 stories above the surface of the Death Star.  He then sits in the Emperor’s chair and Triple H starts spinning him in circles.

“STOP THAT!” an annoyed Vader says to his teammates.  “You fools are not even worthy enough to look at that chair let alone sit in it.”

“Geez.  What crawled up your black ass?” says Eric.

“You can’t say that!” Triple H says to him giving him a backhand to the arm.  “That’s racist!”

“What?  Vader isn’t black.  His suit is.  Haven’t you ever seen Star Wars?” Eric replies.

“SILENCE!” Screams a fed up Vader  “I’ve had ENOUGH out of the two of you.  Just get ready to fight.  Here comes the Midgets.”

Pre Vizsla and Paploo do not waste time with banter and immediately go on the offensive and run across the catwalk toward the trio.  Paploo charges and sticks Eric in the upper thigh with his staff.  Eric screams in pain and lifts the furry ewok over his head and casts him over the railing into the abyss that leads hundreds of miles to the core of the Death Star.  He pulls the staff out of his leg and rushes to avenge Triple H who has just been relieved of his head by Pre Vizsla’s deathsaber.  Eric’s staff is quickly cut into toothpicks and litter the ground... his guts soon follow.

Magneto and Vader have been locked in a stare down since they match started.  They face each other about 10 feet apart and as Vader senses Vizsla approaching, he force pushes Magneto into the pit and in a blink, cuts Pre Vizsla in two at the midsection.  Vader stands alone and looks at the carnage in silence.  He thinks for a moment that it was too easy.  But seconds later, the pipes that line the pit around the central chamber begin to creak and bend.  Steam begins to burst from the seams of several of the pipes and Vader stands at the ready with saber ignited.  Magneto uses the pipes and durasteel that lines the walls to easily float back up out of the pit and into the throne room and land back in front of Vader.

As he lands he grabs the darksaber of his fallen teammate and engages the highly skilled Vader.  Sword play is not Magneto’s strong suit and he is mostly on the defensive, flying around the room as Vader tries his best to use the force to bring him down.  Magneto sees an opportunity and tries to propel off the ceiling at Vader but the Jedi formerly known as Skywalker is much too smart to fall that quickly and removes the left hand of Magneto that is holding the darksaber.

Vader walks toward Magneto who is in intense pain after having a limb removed.  Magneto gets to his feet and can feel Vader trying to take over his mind but his helmet protects him from any attack on his mind.  He knows he needs the dark lord distracted so he grabs his head as if his mental attack is working.  Vader sheaths his saber and using the force, pulls the Emperor’s chair out of the floor and lifts it above his head.  Magneto takes this chance to use his magnetic power to attract the metal end from Paploo’s shattered spear and then repeatedly sends it back and forth through the torso of Vader.  Vader’s body falls lifeless to the floor and, adding insult to injury, the chair lands on his head making sure he is defeated.

Season 7 Week 9: The Slaves vs. THE RABBLEROUSERS

George Washington's Slaves are: Kol Skywalker and Loki.

REAL MAN'S RABBLEROUSERS ARE: Darth Maul with cybernetic legs, and Darth Rage.

The Rabblerousers' Darth Maul with cybernetic legs spots Kol Skywalker in the Emperor's Throne Room. He fires up his double-sided lightsaber and gives it a familiar spin before charging Skywalker. Kol wastes no time and arms his saber before using a force push on his attacker. Maul quickly rises and races in on the Jedi. He again slashes furiously, but a skilled Skywalker parries them all. Kol tries to distance himself from the walking Cuisinart with a jumping flip backward, but has underestimated the speed of the Sith's robotic legs. A waiting Maul impales the landing Skywalker through the midsection. A shocked Kol finds enough inside to chop Maul's head off before he joins his opponent in death.

The Slaves' Loki engages Darth Rage with a twirl of his spear. He rushes the Sith, but Rage quickly ignites his lightsaber and slows down the Asgardian with a Force push. An angry Loki ascends and again runs in with a series of spear thrusts, but Darth Rage blocks them all. He jumps backward so he'll be out of range of his own soon to be deployed Force Lightning, but a teleporting Loki greets the Sith with a spear through the torso. Pure fury guides the near dead Darth Rage as he decapitates Loki with his last breath. The deceased combatants hit the ground in unison.

A finger snaps and the illusion ends. Loki appears and is seated upon the Emperor's Throne with Kol Skywalker standing next to him. A headless Maul and a gutted Rage lie before him, and Loki is content. "Ahhhh... Now I see. You must have manipulated The Force to make them fight each other. Very clever." compliments Kol. "The what? No, I... sigh, nevermind." says Loki with a roll of his eyes. "Idiot." Despite this, The Trickster god continues to enjoy his rightful place upon the throne.

Season 7, Week 9: Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors vs. TEAM

Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors are: Vampires #91, #92, and #93.

TEAM is: Luuke Skywalker, Trioculous, and Force Adept #5.

   I, Daveatu, knocked on the door of Mitchy's team headquarters. The headquarters, following the infamous Bombing of Week 3 (4/5/14, Never Forget), was now a cardboard and PVC pole replica of the Titans Tower. As such, the first knock went through the door and I let myself in. The place was barren and dark with no Luminous Whatevers to brighten it up. I pulled out my phone and made a call. 

"Mitchell, where the hell are you? Where's your team?" 

"I dragged them down to Roseville with me, there was an emergency."

"What kind of emergency did you need your whole team for?"

"They're starving poor Shaylee! Her parents won't buy her any gluten free vegan options just because she's a jobless bum! I've got the WHOLE team working a protest drum circle on the front lawn. Occupy Shaylee's House!"

Dismayed, I ended the call. I considered sending a Sharknado to eliminate the AWOL team three times, but I got the feeling most of them were put there against their will, and I'd hate to see a good team go down under bad management. So I searched the HQ top to bottom hoping I could find something decent to fill in the gap. Unfortunately nothing decent was around, just three vampires shooting up heroin together. I think they tried to argue against being taken to fight, but like all vampires they were speaking French and their doped-up slurring didn't help much.

   We arrived to the Throne Room to find TEAM already waiting for us. Luuke Skywalker, now sporting a mirror-mirror goatee to distinguish himself from Luke Skywalker, gave a skeptical look as I dropped the limp vamps to the floor. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Unfortunately, no. Good luck, try not to hurt yourselves."

Luuke, Trioculous, and Force Adept #5 stepped up and killed one vampire each. I shared in their disappointment.