Be Gentle It's My First Time Vs. George Washington's House Elves

Week 2 Consortium:

George Washington's House Elves are: Superman, Godzilla, T-1000, Soundwave w/ Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Wingthing, Squawktalk, Beastbox, Glit, Enemy, Howlback, Garboil, Overkill (missing one leg), Slugfest, Autoscout #1, & Autoscout #2, & Vampire #1-2 (Both with 4 Deaths.

Be Gentle It's My First Time is: Superboy, Doomsday, King Ghodira, 4 Decepticons, 5 Transformers (all with 4 deaths), Spider Miles, 1 Allosaurus, & 2 T-Rex.

Week 2 Democracy: The Striders of Rohan Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

The Striders of Rohan are HYDRA Soldier #1-2 in an AT-AT, HYDRA Soldier #3-4 in an AT-ST, HYDRA Soldier #5-6 in an AT-ST, HYDRA Soldier #7-8 in an AT-ST, HYDRA Soldier #9-10 in an AT-ST, Admiral William Kelley in a F-18, Earth 2 Batman in the O.G. Batmobile, Earth 2 Catwoman, The Comedian, Black Flash, King Kong, Magneto, Robert Downey Jr. in Ferrari F-40, & Goblin #7-9.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions are The Q Continuum: Q, Q2, Lady Q, q, Colonel Q, Quinn, Mega Man X, Khal Drogo, Mike Tyson (Punch Out), & Agent of SHIELD #1-3.

Season XI Week 1: House Elves vs. Ahsoka's Acrobatic Assassins

The House Elves are: Superman, Everest from Paw Patrol, and White Walkers #1-6.

The Assassins are: Brainiac in his Skull Ship, Red Lantern Jeff Houslander, White Lantern Zach Houslander, Stan Lee, and Zombies #3-7.

Superman and Everest were hanging out at the Fortress of Solitude, minding their own business and eating delicious clam chowder out of a 10 gallon hat. In the background, six White Walkers were having a break dancing competition, getting totally funky as they're known to do. "Mmm, this sure is a hearty chowder" said Superman. "Bark or whatever" said Everest. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Yes, hello, who's there?"

"Hey guys, it's us, the Assassins. We're here to kill you on your own turf, can we come in?"

"Well sure, I guess, but I don't think you guys will be able to kill me, especially not here, in my Fortress of Solitude."

The door swings open and White Lantern Zach comes bursting in, plowing through the White Walkers who were just trying to enjoy their hip-hop breaks.

"Oh come on now that wasn't a nice thing to do, they hadn't even started yet." Superman wagged a finger in disapproval as Red Lantern Jeff rushed him, only to fatally collide with Superman's outstretched fist.

Braniac's Skull Ship ripped the roof off the fortress, and his booming voice echoed off the slick walls. "Hey Superman it's me, Braniac, I know the rest of my team was no match but I've got just the thing to beat you!"

"Is it those missiles with the red sun radiation mentioned in the wiki? Because you already did that once, I'm obviously not going to fall for it again."

"Well... actually, yes it was the missiles. Wait, wait, what do you mean 'mentioned in the wiki'? Isn't that a little... meta?"

"Hm... you know what, that's a good point. I had a suspicion that things were amiss when I was eating soup from a hat with a dog. This just about confirms it, I'm gonna go do some investigative journalism."

Superman runs to his in-house phonebooth and changes in to his Clark Kent disguise before flying off to my office. He arrived at the shack and walked up to the door, embellished with a rough piece of half-inch ply reading "Daveatu's Fortress of Ineptitude." He knocked gently and politely. No response. A second time he knocked, this time in a fun rhythmic pattern. Still nothing. He tried knocking a bit harder, but his super strength was too much for the sloppy craftsmanship of the entrance, and the hinges fell right out of the wall.

"Uh- how unexpected! My normal human strength has accidentally dislodged this faulty door! I'll just... proceed inside, then."

Clark walked through the empty foyer and followed a muffled clicking sound to a room full of writers. Well, technically, a room full of chimpanzees chained to typewriters. Furiously they smashed at the keys, seemingly unaware of Superman's presence. When one would slow down and become distracted, a burst of white powder would spray from their typewriter, stimulating them back up to speed in a flash. Warily he proceeded to the back of the room, to a small door labeled "Big Boss Man".

After his last knocking mishap, I swung the door open before he could wreck it. I was wearing a rubber clown nose. "Yeah, come in. Need something?"

"Yes, hello. My name is Clark Kent, I'm a reporter for the Daily Planet. You're Daveatu the Watcher, correct?"

"No, see the nose? I'm The Jokey Man, hoo-hoo-ha."

"Is... something wrong?"

"Yeah, yeah, do me a quick favor Clark. Could you take off your glasses?"

He froze for just a moment, nodded, and removed his spectacles. I faked a gasp.

"Oh my god, wait a minute, you're Superman! Oh man, whoa! What a huge unexpected twist, I never would have guessed through your amazing disguise. I just assumed all journalists were built like semi-trucks. So, why are you here? Actually, before you answer that, just kidding. I brought you here. I'm writing this, right now even. And you know that, because that's also what I'm writing. I'm like Mr. Mxyzptlk but somehow even shorter, I can do whatever."

"Alright, then why AM I here?"

"Well, I mean, you're Superman right? The setting is your Fortress of Solitude. You already won, what was I gonna do, just write down the single line 'The Assassins showed up and Superman boffed them all to death at lightspeed with his mighty meat dong'? Well I'd look like a fool then, wouldn't I?" I honked my rubber nose.

"Well of course that wouldn't look too interesting on paper, but come on, you never know what could happen. Braniac is pretty resourceful right? And there were a couple Lanterns, you of all people know not to underestimate the Lantern Corps."

"Yeah, Braniac is great, but here's the thing: You are the instant win. Yeah, sometimes you die, sometimes in pretty goofy ways! But on average, you're the trump card, especially with homefield advantage."

Superman looked puzzled, some combination of flattered and indignant. "But there are plenty of other character who can match my strength. Even some who exceed it! I may be iconic but I'm not omnipotent."

"You know what, good point, very good point. Let me find a very good rebuttal." I shuffled through the cluttered mess of loose files and papers on my desk. "Oh, here, this will do. Check this out." I summoned Saitama from One-Punch Man to my office. His blank expression had only a hint of curiosity at this unexpected teleportation. Before he could ask, I flicked a finger to fling him toward Superman. He burst into a fine mist on contact.

"What have you done?! Who was that poor man, how could you do this?"

"Oh that was One-Punch Man. You know why they call him that? He can defeat just about any enemy in a single punch. Just about, not always, but you'd think somebody that strong could at least hold their own against you, right?"

"Not if you write him in and pop him like a grape in an instant!"

"Exactly my point, Kal. See, you little green army men are all assigned point values. You're pretty high, friend, pretty high indeed. That guy? Not even close. He's barely worth more than two Ron Popeils."

"Why? This doesn't make sense." He said in pre-determined agreement.

"Well obviously because he doesn't come with enough nostalgia. He's new, who's got time to give consideration to new things? Hey, here's one you actually might know." I honked my nose again and summoned 'The Batman Who Laughs' off my roster. Batman, in a rainbow wig and big floppy shoes, fell to the floor cackling hysterically.

"Is that Batman? What have you done to him?!"

"No, this is 'The Batman Who Laughs'. Sound familiar?"

"What? No, Earth-22's Bruce is locked in the dungeon at the Hall of Justice. Is this a joke?"

"Ha! Hey, sure looks that way doesn't it? No, no, this isn't the Batman Who Laughs of the DC universe! This one is from the '?' universe! I dunno, this guy must have been the first result when you Google 'The Batman Who Laughs.' C'est la vie." I shriveled the Batclown like a raisin and popped him in my mouth. Tasted funny. "It gets even better though, what if I decided I DON'T want you to be the end-all be-all of the match?"

"Alright, what if?"

I clapped my hands together and the band Ween appeared in a circle around the Man of Steel. Dean Ween, sweating profusely, gazed around the room with pupils the size of hubcaps. "Holy s*** man, there's no way this was acid. This is too f***ing much dude."

"Nah guys, it's acid, really good acid. I'm your spirit guide, an emissary of Boognish. He said you gotta beat Superman's ass to achieve enlightenment or whatever. Go on, do it."

Superman arched his brow. "No offense, but how would some D-list band stand a chance against- Oh, ow, oh God! Their musical instruments are so strong, why does this hurt so bad?" The band tore Superman apart in an animal frenzy, leaving a smashed pile of meat and bones before I sent them Back to Basom. "It's rewind time" I said with yet another honk of my nose, and Superman reformed into his un-smashed glory.

"Do you see the point I'm making here, Supes? We have the power, there are no rules, and we just pick whichever team we want to win for whatever reason. If you don't like it you can rip me a new one in the comments section below. Now go kill the robot octopus and the dude with the white power."

"Yes sir, Daveatu sir", Superman said like a good cardboard cutout.

Season 11, Week 1: Midgets vs Striders

The Midgets are: Yoda (w/ white lantern ring), Link.

Striders are: The Incredibles (Mr. Incredible, Elastigirl, Violet, Dash, Jack Jack, Fro-zone), Samwise Gamgee (w/ Blue Lantern Ring), Bilbo Baggins, Xenomorph #15 (4 deaths), Fedayeen #1.

Link starts the attack since he is still full health and does a spin move and throws his sword. The sword finds Mr. Bilbo who was huddled off to the side with Sam trying to stay warm and discussing how very much they dislike adventures such as this. Xenomorph #15 pounces on Link before his sword can return and eats his face with its little face that’s inside his mouth. The Xenomorph is then sent to the graveyard as Yoda lands on his head and drives the lightsaber through his skull. Fro-zone shoots a blast of frozen energy that Yoda easily avoids as he jumps off the dead alien. Yoda then force pushes Fro-zone off a nearby ice cliff to his death. Elastigirl tries to restrain Yoda while Dash runs along the ceiling and walls of the ice cave and starts dropping icicles down. The icicles accidently kill Fedayeen #1 in the incident and as Yoda breaks free from Elastigirl, he uses the force to catch some of the falling ice and send it toward her and Violet killing them both. Mr Incredible, drunk with bloodlust after the death of his wife and daughter, charges the tiny jedi into a wall and dazes him. Before Yoda can lift his ring or lightsaber, he is restricted by the Blue Lantern Ring of Samwise Gamgee who, with frozen tears still stinging his cheeks, musters all the courage in his tiny hobbit heart to hold Yoda just long enough for Mr. Incredible to deliver a knock out punch to the skull as Jack Jack sets the unconscious Yoda on fire, giving him a proper Jedi burial.

Affirmative Action Popeye's Vs. The Empire

Affirmative Action Popeye's is (Earth 2) Superman, The Tazmanian Devil, and Sentinel #9.

The Empire is Black Lantern Superman, Bernie Sanders (w/ The Hammer (and Sickle) Bros. Suit), & Bronze Dragon #1-4.

E2 Superman and Taz sit nestled inside the Crystal Palace known as The Fortress of Solitude, while their Sentinel circles the outside perimeter as a means of defense. The Popeye's crew are setting up for a huge party with an elite group of guests expected to come. A convention if you will; but Bernie and his friends aren't invited. Outside, The Empire mounts their offensive, despite being unsure if they can penetrate the walls of the Fortress that only the true Superman seems able to open. The Bernie Bro. in his new suit, hammer and sickle at his waist is still formulating his plan to get inside. The four Bronze Dragons await the symbol of solidarity from their comrade and Senator. They will move first in an attempt to bust open a path for their leader and his mighty Black Lantern bodyguard. BL Supes has been feeling the Bern for some time and in many ways has become the embodiment of Bernie's message and popular support. The power behind the Populist. The muscle behind the Manifesto. Bernie slams his hammer and sickle together to spark the attack and calls the four bronze dragons out by name: “On Harris, on Booker, on Warren, and Gabbard”!! Bernie yells as they move towards the Fortress.

The four mystical, metallic dragons to better suit the setting, morph from their winged forms and take the shape of massive Russian Yeti that Premier Putin has often spoke of. Bernie and BL Supes hang back as the dragons attack; and watch in horror as their plans to overtake the Party are dashed. Sentinel #9 Blooms bergs of electricity to slow them down; but Bernie's acolytes make short work of the initial defense and destroy the mechanical monstrosity. It is the defensive counter-measures of the Fortress itself that take out Booker first, then Kamala, and finally Warren as Bernie sits back unable to help them. It is hard to see if Gabbard was destroyed or not by the ecological machine laced with billions of dollars worth of crystal; but she disappeared from sight nonetheless.

BL Supes and Bernie hang out outside the Fortress in a Safe Space while they attempt to formulate their second run at the powerful White House of the Superman in front of them. BL Supes begins having his doubts about the possibility of victory; so much so that he asks his beloved leader: “Do you even understand how Capitalism works”??

Bernie calmly looks at his prized warrior and answers: “I don't think anyone understands it fully; but I know how to destroy it”.

For four long days, days that seem like years Bernie and his powerful follower wait outside the Fortress of Solitude amid constant attacks from the machine that protects the deepest darkest secrets of Krypton. They simply can't figure out a way to get inside. Finally, after frustration has set in fully, Bernie snaps and aggressively yells to his teammate: “You were once Superman!! You were once a part of what goes on behind these walls!! Have you no answer to it's secrets?? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THE FORTRESS WORKS”?!!?

With that question still hanging from the lips of his comrade, something clicks in the mind of BL Superman. A light goes off in his black lit brain and he answers: “I don't think anyone understands it fully; but I know how to destroy it”.

Immediately after saying these words, BL Supes looks to a little known weak spot in the foundation of the Fortress and begins bombarding it with darkened heat vision, Black Lantern energy, and a flurry of punches and kicks that could level buildings as strong as the Pentagon without any outside interference. A hole is finally punched through the Fortress large enough for the two Empire members to climb through, but they are met with resistance as soon as they enter the building. Despite beginning this battle with a group of “delegated” teammates that outnumbered the Affirmative Action crew, once they crossed into the Halls of the Fortress they are evenly matched two on two.

The two Supermen instantly square off in a Becks style pitched battle. BL Supes should have a bit of an advantage considering that a black lantern's light cannot be extinguished without the power of two separate lantern rings; but this is E2 Superman's house; it's his party and he can change the rules if he wants to.

On the other side of the wide, expanse room Bernie and Taz square off. The Tazmanian Devil moves wildly at Bernie in an attempt to assassinate the politician; but Bernie doesn't have a wife or sister to hide behind. He instead moves aggressively towards Taz, stunning him by throwing two hammers at the face of the snow covered white devil that so frequently attempts to quell the spirit of the working man. Bernie then uses his sickle to sweep the legs out from under his opponent and drives yet another hammer into the eyeball of Taz to finish him off. Bernie searches for his remaining teammate and looks to his right, for he he knows in his heart that nobody is to the Left of him. He sees the battle between the Supermen taking place, but sees no way into the middle of the fight without risking life and limb.

The two Supermen are completely and utterly, evenly matched in every way. Incalculable strength meeting immeasurable durability with every punch. Freeze breath and heat vision prove to have very little power against freeze breath and heat vision as most would anticipate. BL Supes takes a calculated risk, knowing that by the rules of DC Comics he should be immune to death from the non-ring wielding Superman even if his opponent is retaining more than 100% of his regular power in their current setting. BL Supes moves in fast for the kill towards the jugular vein of E2 Supes, leaving himself open to attack; but E2 Supes changes the rules that dictate the setting and triggers the change in atmosphere of his crystal home. Green and Yellow lights shine from the ceiling, thrusting Oan and Qwardian power harnessed from the Green and Yellow Lantern Corps of Krypton, decimating the power aura of BL Supes and leaving him open for an insanely powerful double-fisted punch from E2 Supes that breaks the neck of the once death-energy resurrected Earth 1 version of himself.

Bernie stands alone against the true power that fuels the machine that has concentrated all its power on his destruction. Bernie faces his opponent head on. Hammer in one hand, sickle in the other and the power of the Proletariat emanating from every cell in his body. E2 Supes laughs at the sight of his final opponent. “The United States will never be a Socialist country” The patriotic believer in truth, justice, and the American way utters. He continues: “You are in my arena now Sanders. No Bernie Bros to protect you, no popular vote to be had, just a good old-fashioned fight. Although, I am unarmed and I must admit that I noticed you handle your pair of weapons well. I'm glad I am not in NEED of such primitive tools”.

Bernie smirks and says: “Well, from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs”, as he rushes at the Man of Steel with every bit of energy he can muster. Bernie lands his first hammer attack; but the sickle is smacked from his hands with such force that Bernie is knocked to the ground as well. Kal L, with a twinge of sadness on his face says: “You gave it a Hell of a run; but we were never gonna let you win”....

Superman then ends the movement altogether by conjuring and directing such an intense bit of heat vision at his opponent, that not even Senator Sanders could feel the Bern.

Dinomites VS. Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Dinomites: Ice w/ a Star Sapphire Ring, Jango Fett, Larry Koopa w/ Ice Flower

Barkley’s Turrible Decisions: Batman, Robin, Alfred, Catwoman and Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. #1

Ice and Larry Koopa skate into the Fortress of Solitude while Jango Fett comes flying in  only to notice that Batman, Robin, Catwoman, a SHIELD Agent and for some reason a Butler are in the Fortress of Solitude.

Batman doesn’t recognize the people who enter so he throws a Batarang at Larry Koopa temporarily disabling him. Ice then shoots an ice blast at the SHIELD agent and Alfred thus freezing them solid and then Jango Fett shoots them with his blaster, blowing them into a million pieces. 

Robin then starts to throw a volley of Birdarangs at Jango Fett, but Jango being a master at flight with his Jetpack dodges all of the Birdarangs easily and shoots Robin with his Shrapnel Blast Missile that blows Robin to bits. What Jango Fett had not known was that the Birdarangs that Robin threw were stuck to the wall behind Jango and they were explosive with a delayed timer on them. They blow up right after Jango kills Robin and causes his Jet Pack to malfunction making him fly all over the room like when you let the air out of a balloon and eventually he flies into a wall where the Jetpack blows up and kills him.

Concurrent with Jango Fett and Robin battling, Ice and Catwoman were also battling. Ice uses her abilities to skate all over the Fortress and shooting ice blasts at Catwoman at the same time, but Catwoman is too quick and agile to be hit by the blasts. So Ice creates a snowstorm inside the Fortress, she continues to shoot ice blasts at Catwoman and is finally able to hit Catwoman, as the floor was icy causing Catwoman to slip and being hit by a blast. Catwoman is now frozen solid. 

While Ice and Catwoman are fighting Batman uses his grappling hook to get high up in the ceiling waiting for the right time to strike against Ice as she skates all up and down the Fortress. After Ice is victorious against Catwoman she takes a second to breathe at the top of an Ice wave she had used to skate on. Batman then swoops down and Glide Kicks Ice off her wave and makes her fall about 50 ft on top of the Frozen Catwoman which shatters Catwoman into pieces. Ice also dies from the fall as she fell head first onto Catwoman thus causing Ice to break her neck and die.

Batman takes a deep breath and sighs thinking he’s victorious but all of a sudden he’s been frozen out of nowhere… 

Larry Koopa had awoken from the Batarang he was hit by earlier and had frozen Batman from behind with his Ice Flower, the Koopaling then pushes the frozen Batman out of the Fortress into a nearby abyss.