Season 5 Week 9- Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad.

Good evening everybody, and welcome to the world's most famous arena Madison Square Garden! I'm good ole' J.R. Jim Ross broadcasting here on ESPN eight, The Ocho! and we're getting ready for what promises to be a hellacious contest between defending fantasy fantasy league champions Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve who'll be putting it all on the line against their opponents Xavier's Annihilation Squad. Before we get to tonight's starting line ups I'd like to remind you that tonight's deathmatch is brought to you by the fine folks over at Kim's Korean Kitchen. Kim's! Where we'll wok anything you like, as long as it's not dark meat.

Let's go down to the floor and get tonight's line ups.

 Starting for Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are
Golden Army Soldiers #31, 32, 33, 34, 35, and 36. Black Lantern Nick Houslander, Mandalorian Justin Oblak, Black Widow, Black Bolt, and Daniel LaRusso!

Now, representing Xavier's Annihilation Squad:
Jack Hawksmoor, Annihilation Squad namesake Professor Charles Xavier, Black Lantern Loki, Black Lantern Super Soldier, Men in Black agents Jay and Kay, Harry Tasker, and Good Luck Bear

Some pretty solid players coming out for the final match of the  regular season. Adding to the natural talent is the special weaponry  possessed by each squad. For the Kennelz we see Inhuman king Black Bolt is armed with a green lantern ring and a purple lightsaber, and Karate Kid Daniel LaRusso also is sporting a green lantern ring, along with a blue lightsaber. Not as much extra arms for Xavier's as only superspy Harry Tasker has a little something extra-a M202A1 rocket launcher. That may not matter though, because the both members of the Men In Black, agents Jay and Kay both are coming into this match with nine deaths, and as you all know the ninth death is usually the match of their lives.

As we pan over this sold out crowd we see the owners of each squad in the luxurious owner's boxes. There's Kennelz owner Matt Oblak, sporting a replica helmet of the one worn by team member Mandalorian Justin Oblak. It's been well documented of the psychological troubles that Justin's been having this year since being revived as a Mandolorian, while his legendary cohort Brandon Inge remains in the FFL Graveyard but Justin's seemingly found some peace in recent weeks. It turns out all the Mandalorian Murder machine really needed was a sidekick, and he's found one in Golden Army soldier #34. All it took was a bit of green paint added to the shell, a number & welded to the chest and the spirit of Brandon has been passed on to Oblak's newest partner in crime who's been dubbed "Inge-bot" by the Kennelz lockerroom. This has really picked up Justin's spirits and practice reports indicate that he's back to his previous fighting form.

Here in the Annihilation Squad's box, we see the owners good friend and business associate Chef Kim milling about. Seems like the bad blood that was brewing between Mr Kim and Squad owner Mike Greenwall has subsided.

Speaking of Mr Greenwall, seems like he's decided to grab a courtside seat for this match. He's looking a bit nervous, but overall there's an air of confidence about the newest member to the owner's club.

There's the buzzer and we're underway!

Ooohh. And it looks like Daniel LaRusso and Black Widow are looking to take out some the the Squad's heavy hitters early on as they're rushing up to black lantern Loki.  Loki easily bats both to the side. This doesn't look good for Black Widow. Loki lifts her up and, oh god, he's about to tear her heart out! Wait, what the hell? It the HULK! Or rather, a green construct of the Hulk! And he's laying waste to Loki! He's battering Loki around just like we saw in the recent box office smash Marvel's "The Avengers". Just smashing the black lantern in to the ground and now he's just...holding him there? Ah and here's why! Here comes the Karate Kid! He ignites his lightsaber and POW! The combination of blue light energy and green will energy gives us our first casualty! Black Lantern Loki has been taken out of the equation!

Oh my god! Giving the Kennelz no time to catch their breath, let alone celebrate such a huge maneuver. Black Lantern Supersoldier zips right in and has literally broken the widow in half. If not for the protective forcefield of his green ring, there's not a doubt in my mind that young Daniel-San would have suffered the same fate. Mr Greenwall's yelling to his team, looking a bit more nervous but now each team has suffered a loss.

Ooooh! Spoke too soon. Seems the Golden Army has rundown Jack Hawksmoor, as Jack was trying to bring the city that never sleeps to his aid.  This is quite the...Oh my god! Harry Tasker has just put a bazooka shell right through Ingebot!  Gotta give the assist to Good Luck Bear on that one, as he hit Tasker with a bit of his luck power before firing that shot.  I don't think Oblak's aware what's happened as he's in a bit of a fire fight with the men in black.

Good Luck Bear fires another burst of luck towards Jay and Kay. And the luck kicks in! Oblak has seen the smoking wreckage of Ingebot. He's forgotten the agents and is going over to check on his robobuddy.  Oblak's body language speaking volumes. This. We may have a severely broken man here, folks. Oblak taking off his helmet. Lord. Tears just streaming down his face and we can hear the anguished cries.

But as this happens the action hasn't stopped. Black Bolt has flown in along with black lantern Nick Houslander to assist Daniel LaRusso againt the black lantern Superman/Captain America hybrid. Odd little flash of green light there, not sure if it was from a power ring but! What the hell!! What was that??!!! Black Bolt is down and out! It's hard to see through the smoke but...oh. Oh god! The Men in Black have taken down Black Bolt! Is anyone else hurt? Looks like...LaRusso seems to be unconscious....I don't see any black lanterns. Let's go to the instant replay.

Ah, there it is! Just as Black Bolt fired a huge green energy shot at black lantern Supersoldier, Jay fired some type of ray gun that just tore a hole right through the Inhuman king and also destroyed his lightsaber. The resulting explosion took out the black lanterns, but this was a huge, HUGE bit of momentum for Xavier's as the big guns are now off of the board. Big, big smile on NFG Mike's face, as he can practically smell a victory. Matt Oblak. Showing some concern, but maintaining a great poker face.

And with good reason! His mandalorian younger brother has just turned Harry Tasker into a bloody smear on the pavement. Scooping up the man and just dropping him from high up in the rafters! Justin is now targeting Charles Xavier. He's bearing down. This is gonna be ugly folks! Oblak has stopped??!!! He's shaking his head? Uh oh. Looks like Professor X is now literally inside Justin Oblak's head. This isn't good. Elsewhere, the Men in Black and Good Luck Bear are making some headway in fighting the Golden Army, but have yet to destroy the crown, so they haven't been able to full stop the hellacious robots! If only Justin had kept a cooler head, he'd see his beloved Ingebot has risen and is charging the Men in Black...only to be put down again. Maybe it's better he doesn't see this.

Xavier seems to be shouting something. Something about a helmet. I think....yes! It seems the command crown for the Golden Army is in Oblak's helmet. Good Luck Bear scurries over and crushes the helmet. It seems....yes! The golden army has powered down. They're not rising from the damage Jay and Kay are inflicting! Say what you want about how Care Bears are kinda lame, Good Luck Bear has made almost all the difference here. Greenwall sensing victory is close, has headed back to his owner's box with a bottle of champagne!

This, this is just a vile display by Xavier's! Professor X is making Justin Oblak just mercilessly batter his own teammate! Just end it already! There's no need for this! THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS DAMMIT!!!!

Oblak is...dammit.... Oblak has flown a basically unconscious LaRusso up to the rafters and he's. Yup. He's cut LaRusso's arm off with his own lightsaber. LaRusso now doesn't have his green lantern powers and... god. Oblak is about to throw Daniel to his death. Oblak pulls his gun. God, this is despicable. Oblak is gonna kill himself as he kills LaRusso. There goes Oblak's head and there goes Daniel. It's over folks. Those bastards at Xavier's, is this really how you want to make a name for yourself? By this unnessicary and demeaning...

What the hell? What was that flash? Good Luck Bear is down! It looks like, yes! In his final moment of defiance, Daniel LaRusso conjured up enough willpower for fire one shot out of his ring that swept the leg off of Good Luck Bear, causing him to fall and be impaled on the wreckage of Ingebot. Still it seems it was too little too...

Ingebot is up. INGEBOT IS UP!!  Good god almighty. Look, the other members of the Golden Army! They're starting to rise! Xavier's is too busy celebrating a win they didn't have yet! Good god! Turn around ya sonsabitches turn around and see

OH MY GOD!! INGEBOT HAS JUST SLICED JAY IN HALF!

Kay turns and is about to fire when BOOM! His head is gone courtesy of soldier #36!  Xavier sees this, he's wondering how this is possible. As am I, how is this?

Oh. Ho ho ho.. there we see it. Owner Matt Oblak pointing to his helmet! It was a fake! The crown wasn't Justin Oblak's helmet, it was Matt's! Professor X doesn't look to cocky now! How ya gonna mindcontrol a robot, professor?  It's now a man in a wheelchair against 5 giant robots.  Or should I say, was a man in a wheelchair against 5 giant robots.

Uh oh. Things are ugly on the battlefield, but worse in Xavier's suite. NFG Mike and Chef Kim's bad blood seems to have resurfaced. GOOD GOD! The owner of Xavier's has just coldcocked the famous Korean chef!  Security is on route to break up the scuffle, but Mr Greenwall is heading out into the crowd.

OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A GUN! GREENWALL HAS A ........

Inside The Locker Room - Team GWS

The team congratulates each other as the victorious members of Slaves walk back into the locker room after their week 8 victory against The Tijuana Taco Benderz.  The non active members are elated to see the combatants led by none other than Spongebob Squarepants who evaded the graveyard.

Spongebob: "Weeeeeee did it!   hahahhahahahahahaha!"

High fives are exchanged all around and the team begins to party.  But the celebrating is short lived.  The door kicks open again and an enraged George Washington storms into the room followed by assistant coach Robert E. Lee and general manager Bill Clinton.  The room falls silent.

Washington:  "ANYONE CARE TO TELL ME WHAT WE ARE CELEBRATING?!?!"

After a brief silence a brave soul speaks.

Barney Fife: "Th-th-the victory today, General."

"Ohhhhh!" Says Washington as he turns to the other leaders.  "They won today." he continues sarcastically.  He turns back to the room and slowly claps his hands together with expression of indifference as he looks around the room.  Now the center of attention, the room is glued to his every word. 

Washington:  "What did we win today?  A water match against a team that was 0-7.  BRAVO, ladies.  We have the Tiger Sharks and Hydra, you were SUPPOSED to win!"  His voice is now booming.  "You fools have won NOTHING THIS YEAR!  YOU DISGRACE MY NAME!  For the first time in our history we have not won our division.  For the first time, we are fighting for a playoff spot in the final week!  Someone PLEASE tell me what the F**K we won today!"

No one speaks this time.

"NOTHING!  That is the answer you are looking for!  And on top of that, in order to make the playoffs, we need to beat the undefeated Commandos.  Wow, it's a great time to be a Slave."

Marcus Fenix:  "Do not fear my leader.  We WILL win this week!"  He shouts raising and revving his lancer in the air.  The room begins to cheer.

Washington:  "Fenix, please tell me what makes you so confident.  You failed beat the Foamers two weeks ago.  That was their second win.  Please tell me what stopped you from winning in Vegas?  Oh I remember, you A$$HOLE$ decided to get wasted before the match.  And then the OTHER Phoenix, the one who knows how to spell his name, went all trigger happy with the rocket launcher and blew half of you guys up.  Anyone remember Vegas?

Zack Morris: "Sir, what happens in Vegas, sta-"

GW:  "ENOUGH!  I HAVE HAD IT!  Fenix is right, WE WILL win this week.  I GUARANTEE IT!  But not with any of you scrubs.  Sometimes, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.  And sometimes you need to go back to what works."  The room looks shocked and confused as the coach begins to pace and stops in front of the main doors.

"This needs to be done right." He says. "That is why your GM and I will be leading the charge against the Commandos this week, ON the field.  I also have no choice other but to start the best team possible.  Say your goodbyes as they walk out, because some of them might not be coming back... EVER.

It is so quiet in the room, you could hear an ant fart.

Washington unfolds a small piece of parchment and a quill.  He checks the names off as he reads them.  "YODA!"  The room gasps as the greatest jedi strides toward the front of the room and stands next to the general.

Yoda:  "Honored, I am."
Washington nods.
GW: "Zombie Chewbacca, Black Lantern Darkseid,..."

Yoda: "Sir, 9 deaths they have.  Necessary this is not.  Ymir, perhaps.  hmmm."
GW:  "Not Ymir.  I need experience.  This is a playoff week for us.  And, aside from me, you and Clinton, they all have 9 deaths this week, little man.  I need the best..." he then speaks softly as he turns back to his parchment, "That is why... I'm getting the band back together."

Yoda glances up and slowly shakes his head.  "No...  Start them, you can't!  9 DEATHS, THEY HAVE!"

GW: "I have no choice, Yoda.  We need to win."
Yoda:  "..."
GW: "SHAAK TI, KI ADI, MANHUNTER!"

An uncomfortable murmur fills the room as they approach the general.

GW:  "You ready, J'onn?"
Manhunter:  "It's like season one all over again, sir."
The general smiles.
GW:  "I need you to show this league what your capable of."
Manhunter: "I think I am capable enough to kill a news reporter that is afraid of a glowing rock."
Manhunter walks with the coach as the team heads toward the door.
GW: "Hey, J'onn."
Manhunter stops with his hand on the door and turns his ear.
GW: "You know they don't have just one Superman, right?  They have two..."
Manhunter: "Then I guess were going to have two times the fun, aren't we sir."
Washington starts to laugh and breaks the uncomfortable vibe in the room.
Manhunter: "What?" He says looking offended, "What would you have preferred I said?"
GW:  "I don't know, something... less cheesy."
Manhunter:  "How about something like 'Twice is Nice'?...  'Double your pleasure'?...  'Buy one, Kill one free'? "
GW: "Just get out there and stomp the "S" out of 'em."
Manhunter:  "...And that was better?"

FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Week Eight Wrap Up

After a rough week at the seaside, I'm Cotton McKnight and this is "Spoiler Sport" on ESPN eight- The Ocho!

First let's see who was a splish' and a splash' over in the Stan Lee conference.

It's was rough seas ahead for Beckerman's Backyardigans, who remain a win ahead in the the J.R.R. Tolkien division, but were pretty much dead in the water when they ran into Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers. Dope Fiends MVP Poseidon was the final nail in the coffin for B3, who still have a position in the playoffs locked in, despite this slight misstep. Griffin thus far has a perfect score against divisional rivals, we'll see if he's able to go for the trifecta and advance to the play offs as he faces Brock Samson's Murderflies. The Murderflies are looking to avenge their heartbreaking and controversial loss to TEAM, with Aquaman once again showing why he's the king of the oceans.

Over in the Frank Herbert division, the playoff picture is a bit cloudier as we have a three way tie for first, and the "last place" team is only a game behind the pack. In a shocking turn of events, Team Sleeping Pussy swabbed the deck with defending  FFL champion Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. Namor and Aspen were the difference makers in this match, which puts the defending champs in a must win position this week against Xavier's Annihilation Squad. Speaking of XAS, they also found themselves on the wrong side of an Aquaman as it was the Kingdom Come version of the orange shirted dynamo who led Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family to victory. The playoffs are not totally out of the Kitties Claws, as a win over the Pussies would be the cat's meow and give Layander a shot at the championship.

Over in the Lucas conference. The streaks continue! The Transfoamers couldn't sink the mighty "Pop Superstar" Hannah Monatana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos"  as recently acquired Commando Black Lantern Set paid big dividends for the 8-0 juggernaut. On the other side of the coin, the Tijuana Taco Benders hopes of a victory were sunk by George Washington's Slaves incredible water team.

In the Spielberg division, the first place Brotherhood of Evil Midgets suffered a major wipeout at the hands of Logical Genocide. Even worse news for the Midgets was the Horsemen of the Apokolips managed to continue their divisional winning streak as they pulled out an incredible victory over a hungry Better Than All of You team. The Midgets now find themselves tied for first place, and their grip on the top seed in the playoffs hinging on their match this week with the Horsemen.

That'll do it for this week. Keep it locked here to the Ocho as we head into our final week of the season. Who's play off dreams will come true, and who's will be shattered? Is there any end in sight for the streaks? Join us as we broadcast across the country and time from sell out crowds in some of the most famous arenas in the world.

For Spoiler Sport, and the Ocho! I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you, and good night.

Week Nine Schedule

WEEK 9: Stadium, Sold-Out Attendance (Divisional Play)
250 Points
Prize: Throwing Knives


Horsemen of Apokolips vs Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Becks) *Michigan Stadium (Under The Lights)*
Better Than All of You vs Logical Genocide (Becks) *Pontiac Silverdome (circa early-1990s)*
George Washington’s Slaves vs Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos (Josh) *The Rose Bowl*
The Transfoamers vs Tijuana Taco Benders (Goof) *Cowboys Stadium*
TEAM vs Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches (Nick) *Yankee Stadium*
Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies vs Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers (Ryan) *The Roman Coliseum (circa 80AD-100AD)*
Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Xavier’s Annihilation Squad (Seeney) *Madison Square Garden*

Team Sleeping Pussy vs Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family (Josh) *Tiger Stadium (circa early-mid October, 1984)*

Week Eight Standings

Horsemen of Apokolips vs Better Than All Of You

Horsemen of Apokolips: Percy Jackson, Seacons: Nautilator, Overbite, Seawing, Skalor, Snaptrap, Tentakill, Seaworms #1-6, Joseph (Magneto Clone)USS Flagg: Gung Ho w/Heat Axe (9deaths)LarryRemer w/green light saber Navy S.E.A.L.S. #1-6


Better Than All of You: Aqua Man, Aqua Lad , Aqua Baby , Topo, Sando Aqua Monster Cobra Vipers #27-38 Ninja Pirate #3 & #4 Red Skull (Captain of Aircraft carrier)Macho Man Randy Savage w/ red lightsaber & Mandalorian Armor, Baron Zemo (Captain of G9 Rigger Freighter)Predator # 12 w/green lightsaber Diego & baby Jaguar (Remember Diego's backpack turns into a boat) Batman (Jean Paul Valley) w/ purple lightsaber & Battle Droid #7 in Stealh Bomber NS-5 #7-12 (6 Cobra Vipers, 2 ninja pirates, & Red Skull all on Aircraft carrier) (6 Cobra Vipers, Macho Man, Baron Zemo, NS-5s all on freighter)


This week Both teams have brought Nimitz Class Aircraft Carrier’s, and they are headed straight for one another. JPV Batman and his battle droid provide air support for the USS Dig It!. While Baron Zemo and Macho Man Test the submersible capabilities of their space freighter. The Horsemen have put their 6 navy seals up in the various different aircraft’s aboard the Flagg to provide air support. The rest of the Horsemen have decided to stay aboard the Flagg rather than risk being attacked by their own seaworms. Diego & Baby Jaguar are in Diego’s Backpack Boat when a massive wave suddenly appears and moves in their direction. Diego panics and drops a load in his shorts. Jaguar jumps into action and attempts to row away. Problem is his arms are to short to reach both paddles, so they just go in circles and then get eaten by seaworm#2. Something urges the six seaworms to form a pack and head straight for the USS Dig it!, but then something else urges them to stop and then go and then stop and then go again. After s few more stop and go sessions the worms break free from the opposing force and continue their charge on the USS Dig it!. Only a few feet from their target, all six seaworms are cut down in the prime of their lives when Aqua Man swims so fast that he is able to puncture a hole through all six of their brains. The Two Ships finally meet one another and begin a pirate like battle on the high seas. JPV Batman quickly takes out all six of the airborne navy S.E.A.L.S. Joseph catches the wreckage from the plans and launches it at the USS Dig it! Killing all six cobra vipers and badly damaging the ship. The pirate ninja’s board the USS Flagg but are blown to pieces By Gung Ho and one of the mounted guns. JPV Batman launches a heat seeker at Gung Ho, Ho jumps out of the way and rolls to a near by anti-air gun. As JPV circles around for another shot Gung Ho lines up his shot and then ends the second rate bat. Gung Ho runs to another mounted gun this time the four barreled rocket launcher. He launches all four rockets and sinks the USS dig it!. Under the surface of the water Macho Man Randy Savage is displaying is expert piloting skills by making the seacons kill each other. Macho Man is lives matador, he gets the seacons to attack and then moves out of the way, letting one of his enemies take the hit. Macho Man kills all of the seacons without ever firing a shot. He and his crew members head for the surface. Baron Zemo instructs Macho Man to land on the USS Flagg, but as they are coming in for a landing Randy suffers a fatal heart attack and crashes the ship into the other ship, killing his entire crew. Just before the crash Randy was heard screaming out the name Elizabeth. The Aqua Family Boards the USS Flagg and immediately come under fire from Larry Remer and Gung Ho. Aqua Man Charges Gung Ho’s position , grabs him under the arm pits, and throws him over board to a waiting school of sharks. Larry Remer is killed by a giant squid that has boarded the ship behind him at the behest of Aqua Man. When Aqua Man Looks for his friends he hinds Percy Jackson Standing over their mutilated and disemboweled corpses. The two lock eyes and Aqua Man instantly knows that he is staring at the man he battled for control of the seaworms. Percy licks some blood of his blade, thus enrages Aqua Man and sends him charging toward the demi-god. Just as they are about to clash the metal deck all around Aqua Man springs up around him and squeezes the life from his body. Percy Jackson: Dude I was just about to tear his a** up?! Joseph: To Slow.

TEAM Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

TEAM is (Justice Legion Alpha) Aquaman, Phibian #1-10, Sharkticon #47-50, Baracuda, Aqua-Mariner, James Pond, Edward Cullen, Bella Cullen, and Cock Sneak Goomba #1-6.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are Aang, Appa, Katara, Navy SEAL #28-32, Lochness Monster, Opee Sea Killer #1-7, The Shark, and Lakitu.


Both teams are dropped in to Lochness Lake in Scotland...

Aquaman and Aqua-Mariner use their telepathic linking abilities to control sea creatures, and take control of The Lochness Monster The Shark, and The seven Opee Sea Killers. The TEAMmates then turn the Murderflies sea creatures against the Navy SEALS, who unfortunately do not last long against their own giant companions. The creatures move towards the rest of the team next. The Cock Sneak Goombas cock sneak their way down to the bottom of Lochness Lake, where they drown in their sneakers. James Pond aims his pistol at Lakitu and knocks him off of his cloud. Aquaman, Barracuda, and Aqua-Mariner each take three of the Phibians with them to move towards Aang, Appa, and Katara (Phibian #4 accidentally got to close to The Shark). While this is going on, Aquaman and Aquamariner make sure that The Murderflies sea creatures have turned towards each other. As the TEAMmates part paths Barracuda laughs under his breath and gives a mean fist pump to his homeboy Phibian #6 after he “accidentally” sends the sparkly faced Edward and Bella in to the path of the big goober fish. Aang, Appa, and Katara despite being both outnumbered and slightly outgunned considering the setting manage to each take out a Phibian #1, 5, and 10 with their sick water bending skills before they are killed by Aquaman, Barracuda, and Aqua-Mariner. Despite the orders given by Aquaman to stay away from the large creatures of the other team, and let them take care of themselves; the four Sharkticons insist on joining the fight. This causes Sharkticon #48 and 50 to join the Opee Sea Killers in death at the hands of Nessie and The Shark. This opens up the best skirmish of the match as The Shark and Nessie square off. Nessie has home field advantage but The Shark makes up for it with its enormous size; and manages to bite through the thin neck of The Lochness Monster. Aquaman, then leads Phibian #2-3, 6-9, Sharkticon #47 and 50, Baracuda, Aqua-Mariner, and James Pond against The Shark (who is being calmed down a bit by the telepathic powers of his opponents... (cheaters)). The Shark is defeated, but Phibian #3 and 7 are killed in the melee.
TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!

Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos Vs. The Transfoamerz

Pop-dent Miley Cyrus and Pres-Superstar Barack Obama's “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are (Kingdom Come) Superman, (Earth 2) Superman, Black Lantern Set, Katiness Everdeen (w/ a green lantern ring), White Lantern Deadman, Norma Cenva (w/ a green lantern ring), Worm Becks, Taylor Swift (w/ a Sith Lavarouk), and Gungan #1, and 5-33).

The Tranfoamers are Aqualad (Jackson Hyde), The Bloodpack: Nyssa, Asad, Reinhardt, Chupa, Snowman, Verlaine, Lighthammer, Priest, and Rush, Ghost #3-7, Starscream's Ghost, The Vehicle Voltron Sea Team, and Votari #1-4.

It is a tad bit unfortunate, but having spent her time in the league thus far without ever losing an official match (The Easter Classic was off the books) has seemingly gone to the head of young Taylor Swift. And as these two teams are dropped in to the water they listen to her singing the following: “ She wears high heels, I'm flipper-feated, The Foamerz are losers and we're undefeated. An unstoppable team is what's on their mind, and The Commandos have been here the whole time”. She sings this song with the utmost confidence in her voice until she hits that ice cold water. Once that happens she decides that the best way to serve her team is to start screaming uncontrollably and to then drown before she can get off a single shot with her Sith Lavarouk. Worm Becks' mental capacity and speech pattern have made him fit right in with crew of gungans. In fact the Naboo born Gungans have made him an honorary member of their “Grand Army”. So they all stick together as they begin swimming towards the area where the Foamerz were dropped to act as The Commandos first wave. Every character on both teams for now is staying clear of Black Lantern Set, who is flailing around wildly. The rest of The Commandos team has the power of flight and only spent a couple of seconds each in the water before they began to use said power. The six ghosts of The Foamerz are hovering just slightly above the water, while the five members of The Vehicle Voltron Team, along with Aqualad have dived down deep below the surface. The four Votari and The Bloodpack are simply doing there best to tread water and stay alive in this choppy setting. Aqualad uses his telepathic link with the five operators of Voltron to tell them that they are going to need to take out Set if they are to have any chance of defeating the undefeated Commandos. The Voltron fro the Near Universe moves toward the massive serpent swiftly (I mean quick-like, not in the same fashion that Taylor Swift moved in the beginning of the match). The five vehicles burst out of the water and attack in unison against the first head of Set that they are confronted with. At this moment, Aqualad bursts from the water as well, with his powers peaking due to the close proximity to the water. The Voltron team is able to blast Set's head to pieces with their highly advanced combined firepower, while Aqualad is able to do the same. He uses an amazing blast of electrical energy to completely fry another one of Set's head to start this skirmish off with a bang for the Foamerz. But Set is not easily taken off guard more than once, and several members of The Commandos rush to aid their star water player. While one of the other five heads of Set is grabbing one of the air-born sea team with its powerful jaws, the two Supermen are each rocketing through one of their own. The last two remaining Voltron members dive back in to the water to regroup.

The Votari combine their mystical force powers to bring some of the vehicle voltron wreckage up from the water, which gives the four of them plus the Bloodpack something floating to climb on to, so they can at least have some rest from swimming. Then rest is short lived though,as they are confronted with a mob of oncoming gungans, led by Worm Becks.

Norma Cenva gains a mental link with her fellow telepath Aqualad, which works as more than enough of a distraction for him when dealing with an enemy as powerful as Set. Aqualad continues his attack despite the distraction, but it doesn't take the serpent long to take advantage of the situation and completely consume Aqualad and absorb his powers into his own.

The Vehicle Voltron Team blasts back out of the water and takes aim at the Commandos two green lanterns. Norma Cenva, who was concentrating with all of her might to break in to the mind of Aqualad is taken off guard by the Voltron Team and is blown away by them. Katniss Everdeen puts up a green energy field but it is not enough to protect her from the weaponry of Voltron either. The two Voltron vehicles then spin around in mid-air to go back to fighting Set, but they never do reach their destination. The two Supermen once again rush to the defense of Set and barrel straight through the two space-worthy sea vessels without even slowing down.

Worm Becks valiantly leads the charge on to the small “Voltron Island Base” that the remaining Transfoamerz have created. Worm Becks is also the first of three gungans (also Gungan #19 and 23) that gets their skull bashed in by Lighthammer before they stop dripping from being out of the water. The Votari stand behind the Bloodpack and use their force powers to continually force push ?the gungans back in to the water to keep the blood pack from being to overwhelmed by the attacking gungans. Not that the vampires need a ton of help, as they begin murdering gungans at an alarming rate.

White Lantern Deadman uses his own powers, plus those of The White Lantern Ring to bring life back to Starscream and the other ghosts. He does this in hopes to convert these ghosts not only back to a tangible state but also to The Commandos cause. What Deadman does not take in to account is the overly rebellious nature of Starscream, and how much this has worn off on to his fellow ghosts. Starscream uses his new found physical state to send a well-aimed laser blast in to the face of Deadman. This kills him, but not before the white lantern ring realizes that it can't control these particular ghosts and sends them back to a ghost-like state; but this time not a state where they are connected to an apparition (in English: a bunch of ghosts just died).

The gungans are suffering heavy losses at the hands of The Bloodpack. They have already lost #'s 5-7, 11, 13-16, 26-28, and 33; while they have only managed to defeat Rush, Chupo, and Verlaine. Black Lantern Set floats over to this battle and is drawn to the powers of The Votari. The dead serpent increases its power even more once it consumes all four Votari Force Sorcerers. Black Lantern Set then feels that it has consumed all of the necessary power from this match and disappears from it all together. Things are looking bad for the gungans as they are able to take out only Priest in their next wave, while losing Gungan #9, 17-18, 20-22, and 29. The Votari are no longer there to force-push the gungans off their Voltron Flotilla, so all of the remaining gungans are now out of the water and surrounding The Bloodpack, but it doesn't change the fact that their fighting skills are no match for the trained vampires. What does make a difference is the arrival of The Commandos two Supermen. The Bloodpack continues to wipe out gungans like it is going out of style until they realize that the men in blue and red are a much greater threat. (KC) Supes fries Snowman with his heat vision, while Earth 2 does the same to the respectful vampire Asad. The last three remaining gungans (#1, 8, and 12) are able to overcome Reinhardt, while the Supermen face very little resistance from Nyssa and Lighthammer.
Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is (once again) VICTORIOUS!!

Season 5 Week 8: George Washington's Slaves vs Tijuana Taco Benders

George Washington’s Slaves are: The TigerSharks: Mako, Lorka, Walro, Dolph, Octavia, Angel, & Dog Fish; Navy SEALs Chief Petty Officer #8 & #9, Navy SEALs #21-27 in a Submarine, N.S. 5 #39, N.S. 5 #40, Death Adder, Jaws, Jaws 2, The Hydra, Tomar Tu, SpongeBob Squarepants, Crash Bandicoot on a Hovercraft, Captain Crunch on his ship, Banana Man, Pet Crow, Chuck Norris w/ Iron Man’s Armor, and Cave Dump.



Tijuana Taco Benders are: Jedi Master #40, Terminator #38, 4-Lom, Zuckuss, Junkeons #15 & #16, Pet Avengers: Throg, Redwing, Hairball, & Ms. Lion; Cleetus the NFL Robot, Mike Huckabee, Bill O’Reilly, Atticus Finch, Frederick Douglass, Saurod, Princess Zelda, Rohirim’s 1-6, Decepticon Decoy’s 1-5, and Sebulba.


The sea is already a dark crimson hue by the time this Watcher arrives to witness this Divisional confrontation between the Slaves and the Taco Benders. The majority of George Washington’s Slaves are on top of their surfaced submarine and there is no sign of any member of the Tijuana Taco Benders. The two Jaws sharks and the Hydra appear to be devouring several helpless beings as a couple Navy SEALs exchange what looks like money. It’s at this point that I, Ryatu, am compelled to make myself known and get down to the bottom of this situation.


“Umm… guys? What the hell is going on?!” I say to the Slaves.


Navy SEAL #22 “Lieutenant Junior Grade Dale Hawkins” takes the rest of the cash out of his teammates hands and walk over to me. “Well you see, we got tired of waiting around for you to show up, so we just went ahead and took take of things ourselves.”


Shocked by this I quickly fire back, “You WHAT?!? But… you can’t do that?!”


“Eh… whatever,” Lt. Jr. Grade Hawkins smugly retorts.

“Sir, I’m Lieutenant James Curran. I head this team,” interrupts Navy SEAL #21. “Allow me to shed some light on what exactly transpired.”


“Go on,” I begrudgingly reply.


At this point Lt. Curran fills in the events of this match. It seems that the Slaves were actually NOT the first to attack. The Taco Benders were in fact the ambitious ones and fired the first shot. However they were not prepared for a full scale water battler. And the majority of their forces were consumed by the Hydra and the Jaws sharks. Lt. Curran went on to point out that they did lose some members of their team to the stunning display of power that Throg showed. The Slaves were taken by surprise by the small amphibian. Nor did they truly realize, just how much of Thor’s power little Simon Walterson had in him. Throg had single handedly taken out Banana Man, Pet Crow, Death Adder, both of their N.S. 5s and Cave Dump. He also managed to take out one of the heads of the Hydra. Throg was consumed by the other heads as two more also grew in place of the single severed head.


The Navy SEAL then went on to conclude that once Throg was defeated, the rest of the Taco Benders fell fairly quickly. He also added that the group known as the TigerSharks were especially vicious and went on to speak of Octavia’s needless enjoyment of dispatching Princess Zelda.


“Ok… this still doesn’t explain the money?” I asked.

“Oh yeah about that…. "God" over there had bet me that we couldn’t beat the Taco Benders before the Watcher had arrived,” adds Lt. Jr. Grade Hawkins as he points to Navy SEAL Chief Petty Officer #8. “One thing led to another and the betting they got pretty intense between our team.”


“I see,” I reply. “Well…..don’t do this again.”


It’s at this point that the cabin door opens up from Captain Crunch’s ship and a massive plume of thick smoke bellows out from inside. SpongeBob Squarepants stumbles out from the cabin below, followed closely behind by Captain Crunch who is completely hammered. SpongeBob cannot stop giggling at the sight of the Captain, who is currently missing his pants.

THE END.

Season 5, Week 8: Xavier's Annihilation Squad vs. Layander's Super Kitties

“The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things around you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darlin', it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floating / Under the sea!”

 -Sebastian the Crab

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 7 Match located in the “Water”.  They are as follows:

Xavier's Annihilation Squad: Ariel, Sebastian the crab, The Kraken, Davey Jones and Flying Dutchman pirates #1-5 on Flying Dutchman, Barbosa, Black Pearl pirates #1-5 on Black Pearl, Attuma, Nagal, Orka, Pirahna, Sea Urchin, Tiger Shark, Ninja pirates #1, #2 and #5, Captain John Price, Sergeant Derek "Frost" Westbrook, Captain John "Soap" Mactavish, Sergeant Marcus Burns and Yuri  Petrenko in a swift boat. 

Layanders Super Kitties: Captain Nathan Bridger, Lucas Wolenczak, Dr. Westphalen, Commander John Ford, Lt. Benjamin Krieg, Chief Manilow Crocker, Tim O'Neill, Lt. James Brady, Dagwood, Anthony Pickolo, and Smurf #7 in The Seaquest, Darwin the Dolphin, Seaworm #7 and 8, Patrick Star, Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, Black Lantern Hydro-Man, Brachiosaurus #10, Sharkticon #21-26, (Kingdom Come) Aquaman, Mogwai #2, Green Arrow and Black Canary in a hovercraft, Sonja the Hedgehog with a Yoshi Egg.

Let the battle begin. . .

Ariel swims through the water while Sebastian the Crab hangs onto her shoulder.

Sebastian:  Ariel, you must use your wiles.

Ariel:  But Sebastian my wiles are for Eric.  I truly want to be a part of their world.

Sebastian:  Listen b#tch, we’re in my f@%king world now which you are still a part of.  Last time I checked you have a tail!  Just do it!

Ariel hesitantly swims over to the Seaquest.  She enters into the vessel’s main holding area and begins to sing her beautiful song.  She lures Lucas Wolenczak to her and hypnotizes him with her mermaid’s song.  Wolenczak picks up a wrench and screwdriver from the utility closet and in a trance, walks toward the bridge.  Chief Manilow Crocker waves an acknowledgement toward Wolenczak in the hallway and meets his fate as Wolenczak takes the wrench and crushes Crocker’s skull.   Wolenczak begins to pass by Tim O’Neill.  Wolenczak then turns around and from behind, shoves the screwdriver through O’Neill’s eye and into his brain.  Wolenczak reaches the bridge where the remaining crew members look for the enemy.  Wolenczak stands next to Captain Nathan Bridger and rips off the “self-destruct” key from his neck.  The young computer genius enters the key into the system and types the code.  A shocked Bridger pulls out a gun and shoots Wolenczak in the chest.  Wolenczak falls to the ground and the captain rushes over to his special friend.  Bridger cradles Wolenczak’s head. 

Bridger:  Why Lucas?

Wolenczak:  For love.

Bridger:  I thought you loved me Lucas.  I thought you loved me.

Lucas dies in Bridger’s arms. 

Smurf #7:  COME ONE!!!

Bridger snaps out of it and rises.  The captain joins the rest of his crew as they run to the hull for their vessels.  The nuclear implosion suffered by the Seaquest not only destroys the vessel, but kills Seaworm #8, which was swimming too close to the submarine.  The remaining crewmembers shoot to safety in their respective submersibles. 

On the surface, the Call of Duty crew rides on their swift boat.  The immense Brachiosaurus #10 rises in front of them.  The 85 foot sauropod churns the waters around the boat and the sheer size of the beast almost capsizes the craft.  Nonetheless, the Call of Duty combatants are skilled and ready for any dinosaur. They unload their weapons into the dinosaur and kill it.  Green Arrow and Black Canary race by in their hovercraft.  Green Arrow’s well placed arrow slices through Yuri Petrenko’s neck and kills him.  He then fires an explosive arrow which rips the craft apart.  As the Call of Duty shooters, in various stages of death, fly through the air, Black Canary unleashes the full extent of her “Canary Cry” and shreds the C.O.D. crew.  As Black Canary and Green Arrow survey the destruction of the craft and the bodies of Price, Westbrook, Mactavish, Burns and Petrenko, Attuma’s Deep Six Team bursts from the water and kills the heroic duo.  Orka opens his mouth and out come Mogwai #2 and Sonja the Hedgehog.  The two characters hop on the craft formerly driven by Green Arrow and Black Canary. 

Patrick Star and Eugene H. Krabs ride on Darwin (who is extremely agitated at the destruction of the Seaquest).  The SpongeBob compatriots see Ariel and Sebastian.  Darwin races toward Sebastian and crushes the crustacean in its teeth.  Patrick and Mr. Krabs are killed by Ariel, avenging her comrade’s death.  Darwin punches Ariel in the stomach with his snout and as Ariel regains her wind, she turns around to see Kingdom Come Aquaman.  Ariel is skewered by Aquaman’s trident. 

Aquaman:  Hope that hurt, you c@nt. 

The surviving Seaquest crew, all in their single-man crafts, hears the echoing of an immense beast.  Before any can react, the Kraken rips all of the vessels and their inhabitants apart.  Thus, Bridger, Westphalen, Ford, Krieg, Brady, Dagwood and Pickolo are all killed.  Smurf #7 escapes.  

The hovercraft containing Mogwai #2 and Sonja rides along the waves and nears the two Squad pirate ships.  Smurf #7 climbs aboard.

Smurf #7:  Let’s get this party smurfed!

Mogwai jumps into the water and instantly bursts into nearly one hundred of the gremlin beasts.  The gremlins are about to storm the Black Pearl when the Kraken’s maw opens up and swallows them all, including original Mogwai #2.   Sonja the Hedgehog cracks the Yoshi egg open and instead of Yoshi, another Mogwai comes from the shell and enters the fray.  The creature, like its brother from before, jumps into the water, creating a band of Gremlins. As the Kraken is about to swallow the next set of monsters, Seaworm #7 swims to the scene.  The monstrosities battle one another.  Sharkticons #21-26 also arrive at the skirmish.  Due to the wrapping of tentacles and sinew, the Transformer sharks are not particular about which flesh they are ripping.   In the end, neither the Kraken, nor Seaworm #7 survive; also destroyed are Sharkticons #21, 24-26.

The Gremlins storm both the Flying Dutchman and Black Pearl.  They manage to kill Black Pearl Pirates #1-5 and Flying Dutchman Pirates #1-5, but are soon decimated by Davey Jones, Barbosa, Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5, as well as Attuma’s Deep Six, who split off into two splinter groups, one on each ship. 

Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5 jump down from the ship and onto the craft holding Sonja and Smurf #7.  The spinning, diving and acrobatics overcome the craftmates and both Sonja and Smurf #7 are killed.  Darwin bumps the ship and propels Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5 into the water.  They are overcome and drowned by Black Lantern Hydro-Man. 

BL Hydro-Man then focuses on the Attuma Six and manages to kill Sea Urchin.  As BLHM is about to conquer another foe, the voracious Tiger Shark and Pirahna rip off both hands of the black lantern.  BLHM disintegrates into the water as the ring plummets to the water’s depths.   Kingdom Come Aquaman finally enters the melee and jumps onto the deck of the Black Pearl; Barbosa is killed shortly thereafter.  KCA then swings over to the Flying Dutchman and fights Davey Jones.  Jones slashes KCA, but in the end, KCA is victorious and manages to kill the squid-headed pirate. 

An enraged KCA uses his psionic powers to call upon the monsters of the deep.  The beasts swim from the depths and, with the assistance of Sharkticons 22 and 23, savage the Deep Six Members. Attuma, Nagal, Orka, Pirahna and Tiger Shark are killed.  Notwithstanding, they manage to take with them both Sharkticons.  Darwin chatters at the victory (and then is accidentally eaten by one of the monsters called upon by Aquaman).

Season 5, Week 8: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“A great day comrades, we sail into history!”

-Marko Aleksandrovich Ramius

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 7 Match located in the “Water”.  They are as follows:

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Gaia, Oceanus, Tethys, Calypso, Tracy Strauss with Demon Rod, Wonder Twin – Zan, Wonder Twin – Jayna, Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans Merged with Nightsister Sith Witch #1 via hammer, Angir: Breaker of Souls Merged with Beast Man via hammer, Destroyer-class Battleship with: Marko Aleksandrovich Ramius, Navy Seals #45-50, Swift Boat with: Navy Seal Chief #14, Daniel LaRussa with blue lightsaber and green lantern ring, and Young Anakin Skywalker with blue lightsaber and blue lantern ring.

Team Sleeping Pussy: Namor and Griffin, Dolphin, Aspen, Black Manta, Aquagirl, The Sea Captain, Sharkticons #41-46, Female Sentinels #6-7 and Navy Sailors #1-4.

The Kennelz’s swift boat reacts violently to the extremely choppy waves. Navy Seal Chief #14 is familiar with these conditions and stoically steers the craft while Daniel LaRussa and Young Anakin Skywalker (both a little queasy) scout for the enemy. 

Anakin Skywalker:  This is tense!!!

The two ring bearers locate Namor riding his Griffin.  LaRussa and Skywalker take to the skies.  They surround the Submariner and Griffin.  Namor is thrown from his mount due to a well-placed green projectile.  Skywalker and LaRussa capture the Atlantean prince’s steed and raise Griffin from the water.  They then release their colored auras from Griffin and the beast falls.  Before Griffin can reach the waters below, Skywalker and LaRussa use their blue lightsabers to slice the beast apart.  Namor screams, enraged, and dives beneath the waves.  Skywalker and LaRussa scan the area.  Black Manta uses his jet boots and Namor uses his winged feet to burst from the water.  Manta uses his wrist gauntlets to electrocute Skywalker.  Namor handles LaRussa and puts him in a sleeper hold.  As LaRussa begins to pass out, Black Manta’s helmet-eyes produce their energy beams.  LaRussa is blasted.  The two Pussies then dive back into the water and flip the swift boat over.  Navy Seal Chief #14 is drowned by the enhanced duo. 

Navy Sailors #1-4 and the Sea Captain ride on the metallic hides of Sharkticons #41-45.  They all land on the Destroyer-class battleship, which is commanded by Marko Aleksandrovich Ramius.  The debonair Russian captain is flanked by Navy Seals #45-50.  The Navy members battle one another to the tune of The Village People’s “In the Navy” which inexplicably plays through the ship’s p.a. system.  Eventually, Navy Seals #45-50 kill Navy Sailors #1-4.  It is only a short time after though before Navy Seals #45-50 are ripped apart by the Sharkticons.  Ramius sees that his ship will be overtaken and begins the process of attempting to escape.  Ramius decides that this match does not warrant him “going down with the ship.”  The Sea Captain blocks Ramius. 

The Sea Captain:  You are an embarrassment!

Ramius:  I may be my friend, but you are a Pussy!

The Sea Captain:  As a matter of fact, I am!

The Russian and Black Freighter obsessed mariners fight to the death.  The Sea Captain comes out on top; Ramius is killed. 

The aquatic Titaness Tethys joins forces with her brother-Titan, Oceanus, to flood the Battleship.  The Sea Captain, unlike Ramius, valiantly goes down with the ship.  Gaia then joins her godlike teammates and floats before the robotic force of Team SP. 

Gaia:  We are gods!!!!  You will show us. . .

Before Gaia can finish her sentence, she is set upon by Sharkticons #41-45 and Female Sentinels #6 and 7.  The titans are ripped apart since the robots do not care about the aristocratic standings of their enemy within this match.  Although Gaia, Tethys and Oceanus are killed in the melee, so are Sharkticons #42, 45 and Female Sentinel #6.   

Tracy Strauss freezes an area of water to create a singular flotilla.  She then uses her powers to freeze Sharkticon #43 in place.  Before the Transformer is destroyed, Female Sentinel #7 heats the ice and frees the metallic shark.  While this occurs, Aquagirl jumps out of the water and reaches Strauss.  Strauss reacts in time and uses her demon rod to stun Aquagirl.  Before Strauss deals the “death blow,” Dolphin knocks her off guard and Sharkticon #43 takes its revenge by ripping her in half with its jaws.   

Zan and Jayna see the carnage around them. The Wonder Twins touch their hands together. 

Zan and Jaya:  Wonder Twin Powers-Activate. 

Jayna:  Form of. . . a sea monster.

Zan:  Form of. . . an ice vessel.

Jayna (in monster form) is beset upon by Sharkticons #41, 43 and 44 and Female Sentinel #8.  The battle of the behemoths occurs and in the end Jayna is killed.  Nonetheless, she manages to destroy the remaining Sharkticons and Female Sentinel before her death. 

The embodiments of Nerkkod and Agir join Calypso on Zan. Zan is destroyed by the water manipulation abilities of Aspen and the Kennelz fall into the water.  Although taken somewhat off guard at this instance, they are in no way defenseless.

The final battle is furious between the combatants.  Calypso battles Black Manta and Namor.  Although the sea nymph, manages to damage Black Manta’s armor, she falls in battle as she is no match for the combined powers and abilities of both the Submariner and villain.  Beast Man’s power imbibed body manages to kill Black Manta.  Focused on Black Manta, Beast Man is distracted, allowing the trio of Dolphin, Aspen and Aquagirl to take advantage and rip the hammer from him. Beast Man is then killed.  Nightsister Sith Witch #1 uses the power of Nerkkod to rip Dolphin and Aquagirl apart.  Namor reaches NSW1 and hold her as Aspen sucks out the water flowing throughout her body in her blood.  NSW1 dies.