The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse VS. Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies
The Grindhouse is Xebel Soldier #1-20, Manhunter Robot $1-3, Golden Army Soldier #3-7, 16-30, 37-39, Warwold #1-5, Dr. Deathbrain, The Living Killing Roller Coaster, Treasure Troll #9, Jedi Master #38-39, Velociraptor #36-43, Mandalorian #36-43.
The Murderflies are Treasure Troll #27, Starship Trooper #1-6, Giant Hammer Bros. #5-7, Velociraptor #44-48, Jedi Master #3A-7A, Amatsu-Mikaboshi: The Chaos King, Ego, Moon Knight, The Great Lakes Avengers: Mr. Immortal, Squirrel Girl, and Flatman, Scorpion (Marvel), Mandarin, Odin, Kingpin, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Batgirl, Ace the Bat Hound, Miss Martian, Oa Guardian #6, Bodikka, Red Lantern #3, (female) Dr. Light, The Wonder Twins: Zan and Jayna, The Shark, Dark Claw, Lobo the Duck, Dr. Doomsday, The Maxx w/ Julie, The Shadow, Rachet, Bulkhead, Aang, Appa, Katara, Sokka, Toph Bei Fong, Zuko, and Squirrel #6-8/
In an unanimous vote of 6 to 0………………
BROCK SAMPSON’S FIGHTING MURDERFLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!!
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Season 8 Week 5: George Washington's Slaves vs John & Vader's House of Sith AIDS
George Washington’s Slaves are Solomon Grundy w/Red Lantern Ring, Cole, G'Nark, Wildebeest, Green Arrow (Connor Hawk), Speedy (Mia Deardon), Loki, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Madison "Box" Jefferies, Xorn (Kuan-Yin), Sago Milius, Jabba The Hutt, Moltenadon, Protecabots: Hot Spot "Protectimus Prime" w/Autobot Matrix of Leadership, First Aid, Grooves, Blades, & Streetwise, Order of the Phoenix: James Potter, Lilly Potter, Edgar Bones, Remus Lupin, Caradoc Dearborn, Elphias Doge, Alice Longbottom, Frank Longbottom, Marlene McKinnon, Emmeline Vance, & Mad Eye Moony, Glavoid, The Three Musketeers: Athos, Porthos w/Green Hockey Stick Lightsaber , Aremis w/Green Lightsaber, & D'Artagian w/Green Lightsaber, Kaz the Minotaur, Fox, Banana Man, Pet Crow, Billy the Butcher, Mother's Milk, The Frenchman, The Female (of the species), Wee Hughie, Terror, Ben Linus, Buzz-Saw, Brock Lesnar, Timmell w/Darth Nihilus's Lightsaber, Cave Dump, Starship Trooper #19-24, Sand Trooper Officer #1, Battle Droid #100, Avian #2, Ancient Sith Lord #8-14, and Scout Trooper #1-10.
John and Vader’s House of Sith AIDS are Sandworm#10, Sandworm#2A, Parademon#1-10,
Jedi Lightsaber Scientist#3-5, Force Adept #1 w/Laser Sword , Force Adept #2 w/Laser Gun, Force Adept #3 w/Star Wand, Force Adept #4 w/Pokeball, Predator #49, Terminator #39, Xenomorph #53, 97-100, Eagle #1-7, Black Dragon #1-2, Green Dragon#19 - 21, The Screen Trax Robot, Reaper #7-8,
Velociraptor #5-7, Uruk Hai #15-19, and Horse #27-36.
“…..State Farm is there!”
VVVVWWOOOMMMMPPPP.
The Delta Force team led by Major “Dutch” Schaefer is teleported to the scorched earth that was once the Playoff Planet. There is still a smoldering haze in the air. They collectively scan the area for their opponents.
“Jesus, look at this place. It’s a wasteland,” comments Poncho.
“Doesn’t matter,” replies Dillon. “Keep moving soldier.”
“Don’t matter ta me. Just find me some scum to put in the ground,” retorts Blain Cooper as he spits a stream of thick gooey tobacco juice from his mouth. “Ol Painless here is itching to get to work,” he says as he pets his M134 Minigun.
A team of Scout Troopers begin firing on the Delta Force squad. The crew scatters behind some rubble. They then quickly find themselves surrounded by the Scout Troopers as well as a squadron of Mobile Infantry soldiers from the realm of Starship Troopers.
“Aw the hell with this,” Blain says as he steps out into the open and unleashes “Ol Painless” on his attackers.
The rest of the team work in unison with incredible tactical accuracy and mow down all sixteen of their assailants.
“Hold your fire!” shouts Dutch. “Ammo check.”
“Hang on, one’s getting away,” shouts Dillon.
“I got him,” says Rick Hawkins as he lines up his shot and picks off the lone Sandtrooper Officer that was trying escape.
“Alright, let’s move.” Orders Dutch as they head towards what was once the city.
“….Neighbor, State Farm is there”
VVVVWWOOOMMMMPPPP.
“What the hell are you guys doing?!?! You aren’t in this battle!” shouts the State Farm Agent.
“What are you talking about?! We’re already making some headway for our team!” argues Dutch.
“Doesn’t matter Dutch. Our GM didn’t start you guys. Now get back to the locker room so our team can finish what you started!” orders the State Farm Agent.
“Well ain’t this some shit,” grumbles Blain Cooper.
The Delta Force squad is teleported back to their locker room while the lineup that the General Manager of the Sith House of AIDS started arrives on the Playoff Planet.
“Heh, buncha commons. Well this will be quick,” says Wolverine as the rest of the George Washington’s Slaves show up.
In what can only be described as a hurricane of blood and savagery, the Slaves quickly and viciously dispatch every last common that was sent their way. While the Sandworms were able to devour the Ancient Sith Lords, Avian #2 and the lone Battle Droid from the Slaves, even they could not fend off the ferocious attack from the rest of the Slaves.
Once the dust has settled, the Slaves do find amongst the carnage one more of their own that has fallen in combat. Timmell no longer will be able to fill their locker room with glorious song.
*Watcher’s Note: This is what happens when you send your team in late and I have put together a much better line up for you AND had already begun writing it, but instead, you send me a line up LATE, comprised completely of commons and reeks of pussing out.*
John and Vader’s House of Sith AIDS are Sandworm#10, Sandworm#2A, Parademon#1-10,
Jedi Lightsaber Scientist#3-5, Force Adept #1 w/Laser Sword , Force Adept #2 w/Laser Gun, Force Adept #3 w/Star Wand, Force Adept #4 w/Pokeball, Predator #49, Terminator #39, Xenomorph #53, 97-100, Eagle #1-7, Black Dragon #1-2, Green Dragon#19 - 21, The Screen Trax Robot, Reaper #7-8,
Velociraptor #5-7, Uruk Hai #15-19, and Horse #27-36.
“…..State Farm is there!”
VVVVWWOOOMMMMPPPP.
The Delta Force team led by Major “Dutch” Schaefer is teleported to the scorched earth that was once the Playoff Planet. There is still a smoldering haze in the air. They collectively scan the area for their opponents.
“Jesus, look at this place. It’s a wasteland,” comments Poncho.
“Doesn’t matter,” replies Dillon. “Keep moving soldier.”
“Don’t matter ta me. Just find me some scum to put in the ground,” retorts Blain Cooper as he spits a stream of thick gooey tobacco juice from his mouth. “Ol Painless here is itching to get to work,” he says as he pets his M134 Minigun.
A team of Scout Troopers begin firing on the Delta Force squad. The crew scatters behind some rubble. They then quickly find themselves surrounded by the Scout Troopers as well as a squadron of Mobile Infantry soldiers from the realm of Starship Troopers.
“Aw the hell with this,” Blain says as he steps out into the open and unleashes “Ol Painless” on his attackers.
The rest of the team work in unison with incredible tactical accuracy and mow down all sixteen of their assailants.
“Hold your fire!” shouts Dutch. “Ammo check.”
“Hang on, one’s getting away,” shouts Dillon.
“I got him,” says Rick Hawkins as he lines up his shot and picks off the lone Sandtrooper Officer that was trying escape.
“Alright, let’s move.” Orders Dutch as they head towards what was once the city.
“….Neighbor, State Farm is there”
VVVVWWOOOMMMMPPPP.
“What the hell are you guys doing?!?! You aren’t in this battle!” shouts the State Farm Agent.
“What are you talking about?! We’re already making some headway for our team!” argues Dutch.
“Doesn’t matter Dutch. Our GM didn’t start you guys. Now get back to the locker room so our team can finish what you started!” orders the State Farm Agent.
“Well ain’t this some shit,” grumbles Blain Cooper.
The Delta Force squad is teleported back to their locker room while the lineup that the General Manager of the Sith House of AIDS started arrives on the Playoff Planet.
“Heh, buncha commons. Well this will be quick,” says Wolverine as the rest of the George Washington’s Slaves show up.
In what can only be described as a hurricane of blood and savagery, the Slaves quickly and viciously dispatch every last common that was sent their way. While the Sandworms were able to devour the Ancient Sith Lords, Avian #2 and the lone Battle Droid from the Slaves, even they could not fend off the ferocious attack from the rest of the Slaves.
Once the dust has settled, the Slaves do find amongst the carnage one more of their own that has fallen in combat. Timmell no longer will be able to fill their locker room with glorious song.
*Watcher’s Note: This is what happens when you send your team in late and I have put together a much better line up for you AND had already begun writing it, but instead, you send me a line up LATE, comprised completely of commons and reeks of pussing out.*
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Monday, March 16, 2015
Season 8, Week 4 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets
“You, telling me
the things you're gonna do for me,
I ain't blind and I don't like what I think I see;
Takin' it to the streets.”
Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets: Bizarro Mr. Mxyzpltk, Eclipso, Magneto, Toad, Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, Age of Apocalypse Cyclops, Widdle Wade with Magnoguard Electrostaff, Hare Razin Rabbit, King Randor with He-Man’s Sword of Greyskull, Wheelie, Pythona with Asaaj Ventress’ two red lightsabers, Quick Kick, Pre Viszla with dark saber and Mandalorian Armor, Jeer Dexton, Duncan Idaho (child), Hiih Ressar, Nazgul 9 with indigo lantern ring and Mordor horse, NCIS Gibbs, Dinozzo, Magee, Ziva David, Kate, Mike Franks, Ducky, Abby, Zombie Robert Hudson, Teri Hatcher with Star Sapphire Ring, Nightbrothers 1-6, Velociraptors 21-23, X-23, Flash Thompson - Venom, Wasp, Bill Murray and Army Soldiers 101-110.
Chagrin Courtyard. . .
Murray
Fury Avenue
I ain't blind and I don't like what I think I see;
Takin' it to the streets.”
“Takin’ It to the Streets,” Doobie Brothers
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 8, Week 4 Match located in Streets of Rage. They are as follows:
George Washington’s Slaves: Darth Shemalya with Sith Lanvarok, Josh
Houslander – Samurai Warrior, Vampire Al Dogg, Metroids 19-20, CLU on Tron
Cycle, Rinzler, Castor on Tron Cycle, Gem, Simon Phoenix with M202A1 Flash
rocket launcher, John Rambo, Sgt. Marcus Fenix, Dominic Santiago, Augustus “Cole
Train” Cole, Damon Baird, Scorpion with heat axe and red lightsaber, Prowl “Prowlmus
Prime” with Autobot Matrix of Leadership, Blurr, Thunderclash, Kol Skywalker
with Yoda’s Green lantern ring, Shado Vao, Loki, Woverine, Spiderman and Aunt
May in the Spider Buggy, Superman, Jor El, Brock Lesnar, Sonny Chiba with red lightsaber, Kryptonian Army Soldier 1,
Cole, Gnarkk, Smurf 3 and Stormtroopers 72-74 and Silver Dragons 8-14.I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 8, Week 4 Match located in Streets of Rage. They are as follows:
Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets: Bizarro Mr. Mxyzpltk, Eclipso, Magneto, Toad, Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, Age of Apocalypse Cyclops, Widdle Wade with Magnoguard Electrostaff, Hare Razin Rabbit, King Randor with He-Man’s Sword of Greyskull, Wheelie, Pythona with Asaaj Ventress’ two red lightsabers, Quick Kick, Pre Viszla with dark saber and Mandalorian Armor, Jeer Dexton, Duncan Idaho (child), Hiih Ressar, Nazgul 9 with indigo lantern ring and Mordor horse, NCIS Gibbs, Dinozzo, Magee, Ziva David, Kate, Mike Franks, Ducky, Abby, Zombie Robert Hudson, Teri Hatcher with Star Sapphire Ring, Nightbrothers 1-6, Velociraptors 21-23, X-23, Flash Thompson - Venom, Wasp, Bill Murray and Army Soldiers 101-110.
Let the battle begin. . .
Acrimony Street. . .
Zombie Robert Hudson is beheaded,
lying at the feet of Samurai Warrior Josh Houslander, who looks obnoxiously
weak in his faux clothing, no matter how hard he tries for it not to be so. Before he draws his kitana in a menacing way,
Velociraptors 21, 22 and 23 rip him apart and feast on the man’s flesh. The dinosaur pack does not notice Spiderman
and Aunt May careening down the street, with Wolverine hanging onto the
vehicle’s bar. The buggy crashes into
Raptor 23, killing the beast, while 21 and 22 and instantaneously skewered by
Wolverine’s unsheathed claws on both hands.
Rankling Road. . .
Vampire Al Dogg looks to the sky
and sees Teri Hatcher flying with her Star Sapphire ring. VAD smiles at the once-hot-but-currently-not-so-much
actress.
VAD: Hey man! You still be lookin’ fine for an ancient
b@$ch!
Hatcher’s ring constructs a large
scissors which cuts a large billboard of its mount. She attempts to drop it on VAD, but is foiled
by Kol Skywalker’s green lantern ring.
The Jedi from the Skywalker lineage easily dispels with the Desperate
Housewife.
VAD: Thanks, dude! I owe you one!
Umbrage Boulevard. . .
Stormtroopers 72-74 exchange fire with Army
Soldiers 101-110. Due to the advancement
of the Empire’s weaponry, Army Soldiers 102 (ST 72), 104 (ST 73) and 107 (ST
74) are killed almost instantly. The
remaining soldiers focus their fire on Stormtrooper 72. Stormtrooper 72’s body is riddled by bullets
and Army Soldier 101 is recognized as having the final kill shot. Smurf 3 saunters under the motor vehicles
which align the street curbs and manages to distract the remaining Army
Soldiers, 101, 103, 105-110. Stormtroopers
73 and 74 take advantage of Smurf 3’s antics and kill all remaining Army Soldiers. Smurf
3 races over to his team, but before he is able to reach them, is hit by Wasp with
a bio electric energy blast, instantly scorching his blue body. Smurf 3’s blackened body twitches and he
dies. While the Stormtroopers watch
their diminutive teammate die, they are set upon by Venom - Flash Thompson, who
kills them with both his symbiotic appendages and man-made weaponry.
Chagrin Courtyard. . .
Bill Murray walks slowly within the concrete circle. He notices Brock Lesnar in front of him,
smiles and raises his hands.
Bill Murray: You got me, friend.
Brock Lesnar: Eat!
Sleep! Break the Streak!
As Lesnar charges Murray , the actor ducks down and Quick Kick jumps over Murray
CLU and Castor ride their Tron
cycles down the spacious avenue.
Unfortunately, they do not have the proper control of their vehicles since
they are not in the Tron World, but the duo manage as best they can. Nazgul 9 faces off against the two Slaves. Just as Nazgul 9 is about to unleash the fury
of his sword, the Mordor horse’s head is sliced off by two Tron discs thrown by
Rinzler. Nazgul 9 is thrown from his
steed, but lands safely by utilizing his indigo lantern ring. Nazgul 9 flies toward Rinzler and the
enforcer is struck down by the wraith’s sword.
Ire Road. . .
Metroids 19 and 20 float down the
road and are met by Nightbrothers 1-6.
Although the Metroids manage to succumb Nightbrothers 2 and 5, the
remaining Nightbrothers destroy both Metroid 19 and Metroid 20, leaving
space-faring jellyfish remnants across the street. The Nightbrothers’ victory
is short lived as a barrage of weaponry fire not only disperses, but decimates
the Star Wars characters. Sgt. Marcus
Fenix, Dominic Santiago, Augustus “Cole Train” Cole and Damon Baird have arrived. Nightbrother 1 is killed by Fenix, 3 by
Baird, 4 by Santiago and 6 by Cole. Age
of Apocalypse Weapon X and Cyclops, as well as Toad and X-23 storm the Gears of
War crew. Toad’s prehensile tongue lashes onto Baird,
who is then thrown to Weapon X and sliced apart. Cole is blasted by Cyclops and is decimated
before he can fire a shot. X-23
unleashes on Santiago and is killed in a matter of minutes. Fenix manages to blast Toad, sending him to
the Graveyard, but succumbs to the double skewering by both AoA Weapon X and
X-23.
Indignation Alley. . .
The NCIS team, being Gibbs,
Dinozzo, Magee, Ziva David, Kate, Mike Franks, Ducky and Abby scan and study
the trash cans and bags located throughout the area for clues as to the origin
of the frost covered items.
Gibbs: What do you think Ducky?
Ducky: The frost appears to be affiliated with a
living entity.
Abby: Entities!!!
Dinozzo: Look to the sky!!!
David: Get down!!!
The frost emanated from Silver
Dragons 8-14, as has been discovered by the humans. Although they rush for cover within the bins
and garbage, they are all unsuccessful as they are sprayed by a paralyzing gas. The dragons engulf the entire crew, each
belching as the NCIS member slides down their respective gullets – Gibbs by SD
9, Dinozzo by SD 13, Magee by SD 8, Ziva David by SD 11, Kate and Abby by SD
14, Mike Franks by SD 10 and Ducky by SD 12.
Acerbity Avenue. . .
Blurr and Thunderclash stand
together with Prowlmus Prime against a lone Wheelie. The giant robots battle, but the single
Midget is not match for the might of the trio and is destroyed, with Prowl
delivering the final blow. Magneto steps
from behind the dismantled Wheelie.
Magneto: No.
Magneto strains, using his powers
of magnetism to dismantle and rip apart both Blurr and Thunderclash. Prowlmus Prime rushes away and manages to
escape.
Prowlmus: I will be back, Magneto!
Umbrage Road. . .
Widdle Waddle crouches ready to
fight with his Magnoguard electrostaff.
Both Razin Rabbit and King Randor stand alongside Waddle. They face Gem, Simon Phoenix, John Rambo and Scorpion. Gem is immediately electrocuted as Waddle
launches at the painted singer and shoves the entire stick in an unmentionable
area. Rambo’s rippling muscles ignite as
the bullets of his machine gun shred Waddle apart. To be sure of Waddle’s death, Scorpion uses
his lightsaber to cut off Waddle’s head and then cauterizes the neck with his
heat axe. King Randor using his sword,
with the assistance of Hare Razin Rabbit manages to overcome and kill
Scorpion. Simon Phoenix launches his
Flash rocket launcher, disintegrating both Randor the Rabbit. Phoenix cackles and smiles at Rambo.
Ire Avenue. . .
Cole and Gnarkk face Hiih Ressar,
Jeer Dexton and the child Duncan Idaho. The skirmish between the forces does not last
long as Jeer Dexton uses his Dark Jedi powers to destroy Cole. Gnarkk focuses on Ressar and Idaho and his
caveman brutality overcomes the Dune dwellers.
Although powerful, the Gnarkk is still no match for Dexton who slices
the Titan in half.
Main Street. . .
The remaining Slaves, being Vampire
Al Dogg, CLU, Rinzler, Castor, Simon Phoenix, John Rambo, Prowl “Prowlmus Prime”,
Kol Skywalker, Shado Vao, Loki,
Woverine, Spiderman, Sonny Chiba and Aunt May stand behind Superman, Jor-El, Kryptonian Army Soldier 1 and Silver Dragons
8-14.
Meanwhile, the remaining Midgets:
AoA Weapon X, AoA Cyclops, Pythona Pre Viszla, Jeer Dexton, Nazgul 9, X-23,
Flash Thompson - Venom, Wasp and Bill Murray stand behind a floating Bizarro
Mr. Mxyzpltyk, Eclipso and Magneto.
Before the skirmish can begin
Eclipso and Bizarro Mr. Mxyzpltyk dispel with the entire band of Silver Dragons
8-14, through a combination of space wizardry and energy blasts. Vampire Al
Dogg races at Bill Murray and manages to sink his teeth deeply in the neck of
the comedian.
VAD: You taste yummy bud!
Although mortally wounded, Murray
smiles as he sees AoA Weapon X skewer VAD through the heart, which then bursts
into a pile of dust.
CLU and Castor are blown off
their bikes by the optic blast of AoA Cyclops, who is then cut down
respectively by X-23 and Venom. The carnage continues as both Kol Skywalker
and Shado Vao are killed by Pythona, Dexton and Viszla. Viszla falls soon after to Kryptonian Army
Soldier 1. Nazgul 9 obtains his final revenge against
Rinzler before being destroyed by the Trickster god Loki. The combined weaponry and dexterity of Phoenix,
Rambo and Chiba take out Pythona, notwithstanding her use of two lightsabers. In the
end though, Rambo is killed by AoA Weapon X, who then falls to the original
Wolverine. Phoenix is killed by Venom and shortly
thereafter, Chiba is killed by Wasp. AoA
Cyclops shreds Aunt May with an optic blast.
In retaliation, Spiderman unleashes a fury of punches in retaliation,
breaking Cyclops’s neck.
Prowlmus: We meet again, Magneto.
Magneto: Not the same
result, coward.
Magneto magnetically crushes
Prowl before the Transformer can reach the mutant. While distracted though, Superman and Jor-El
kill Magneto with well placed punches through his skull. Eclipso retaliates and manages to kill
Jor-El, but dies at Superman’s hands. Loki
manages to discombobulate Bizarro Mxyzlplyk, who is sent to his death, but not
before himself killing Kryptonian Army Soldier 1. Woverine skewers X-23. Spiderman destroys Venom. Superman
and Loki take out Jeer Dexton and Wasp, respectively. Loki, Superman, Spiderman and Wolverine stand
within the layers of final carnage.
Darth Shemalya walks through the decimation and detritus scattered
throughout the Streets of Rage. A worn
Superman looks at her in puzzlement.
Superman: Where were you?
Darth Shemalya: Planning.
A muffled growl is heard from Wolverine.
Spiderman: For what?
Darth Shemalya smiles and walks away, waiting for her teammates to follow.
Season 8, Week 4: Real Man's Rabble Rousers vs. The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse
The Rabble Rousers are: Gears, Topspin,
Twin Twist, Quick Switch, Hardhead/Duros, Trailbreaker,
Highbrow/Gort, Whirl, Nightbeat/Muzzle, Bluestreak, Siren/Quig,
Beachcomber, Hubcap, Outback, Skids, Junkeon #13, Junkeon #14,
Snapdragon/Crunk, Runabout, Runamuck, Flywheels, Doublecross, Movie
Ironhide, Movie Mirage, Movie Leadfoot, Movie Roadbuster, and Movie
Topspin, and Storm Troopers #52-61.
The Grindhouse is: Kraven the Hunter,
Huntara, Malekith the Accursed and Kurse, King of Spades, Queen of
Spades, Jack of Spades, Ace of Spades, 10 of Spades, Bronze Tiger,
Huntress, Super Dinosaur, Destro w/ red lantern ring, Baroness,
Golden Army #6-15, The Living Killing Rollercoaster, Jason Todd
(w/cannon fire gun, armor skin and mithril vest), Spider-Girl,
Michael Knight and KITT, Terminator #40 "Clanks", Cy-Kill,
Chris Redfield (w/ laser sword, laser gun, and Pokeball containing
Mewtwo), Bright Heart Raccoon, and Starship Troopers #18-24.
Kraven the Hunter, Huntara and
Huntress traveled quickly along the Streets of Rage, scouting out a
lead from Kurse's psionic tracking. "I could have found them
myself. They're a bunch of giant robots, it would have taken five
minutes tops. But no, we use that Dark Elf's meathead errand boy like
Google Maps." Kraven's rant was getting to the ladies, who
regretted using their aliases since it got them arbitrarily paired
with him for the recon work. As they rounded a corner, they were met
with a solid mass of Transformers waiting intentfully for their
opponents. Oddly, every last one of them was wearing an oversized
leather jacket and slicked-up pompadour, leaving Kraven and Huntress
to stare in astonishment. At the front of the crowd were the most
imposing (a.k.a. Movie) Transformers, with Mirage seemingly leading
the squad. "Ayy, what's buzzin' cousin?" Mirage said in a
stereotypical Italian-American greaser voice. "You just stepped
foot in the wrong bear turf, Clyde, you know who we are? Well lemme
sing it to ya, daddy-o." They struck cheesy poses as he declared
"These streets belong to the Bad Boy Transformer Club!"
Huntress's face twisted, but she failed to hold back and double over
with laughter at the display. "Is this a joke?" Kraven
demanded. "And what about you guys?" He gestured toward a
cluster of embarassed looking Storm Troopers lacking the
Transformers' stylish hair and matching jackets. "Hey man, we're
just mercs, alright? This whole thing was Real Man's idea, and these
guys might need to play along for their paychecks but we got paid up
front." Snapdragon smacked the trooper over the back of the
head. "Don't be a drag, man" he said, a phrase which here
meant "If you mess this up for us you're gonna get blasted".
Huntress had picked herself up by now and with amusement still
coloring her voice, she said "Alright squares, meet us and our
crew back here in two hours, unless you're chicken." They
reported back to the rest of their team in an abandoned warehouse
down the Street of Rage. While thoughts were mixed on the whole
"rockabilly robot" theme none were as thrilled as Malekith
(the mastermind currently controlling the Golden Army with the Crown
of Bethmora) who as it turns out is a huge fan of musical theater.
"Oh, I have the perfect thing for this! It will be just like
West Side Story!" He left the room singing "The Jet Song"
as the rest of his team prepared for the predictably awkward fight.
When they met again, Malekith and his
horde of Golden Army bots were similarly adorned in clothes nobody
ever wore but young people think tough guys wore in the 50's. "I
hear you squares were cruisin' for a bruisin" he called to the
opposing horde of Greaseformers. In unison they gasped at their foe's
bold and brash words. "Squares?!" cried Ironhide "That's
it, you're gettin' a knuckle sandwich! Let's rumble!" The
Transformers and Golden Army started rhythmically shuffling toward
each other and snapping their fingers, but this didn't last long
since the majority of the Grindhouse had no respect for dance-fight
etiquette. Super Dinosaur was the first to make a move, unleashing a
barrage of missiles on the enemy, destroying Beachcomber and knocking
back several allies around him. The Storm Troopers opened fire in
response immediately as the Transformers continued gasping."These
wet rags are playing dirty, hepcats! Let's go ape on 'em!" In an
instant they went from dance poses to fighting stances and their
weapon fire began tearing apart the city. Taken by surprise, Bright
Heart Raccoon and the King of Spades were demolished in the initial
attack. The rest of the Royal Flush Gang moved to avenge their ally
but found themselves to be more of a goofy villain team than a threat
to a horde of heavily armed space robots, but they did function as a
useful distraction to Quickswitch as Golden Army #7 charged over to
tear in to him. The Golden Army bot was destroyed as well but began
to regenerate, as it would until Malekith's crown was removed. While
their team provided suppressing fire, Leadfoot, Roadbuster, Twin
Twist and the two Topspins circled around to make an attempt on
Malekith's life. As they circled around Twin Twist was snared by the
leg in a red shackle from Destro's ring, and subsequently wrecked as
a red imitation of his twin drills came down on him. "Twin
twist, no!" the Topspins shouted in unison. They turned to fight
Destro as the two remaining Wreckers advanced on Malekith. With his
Golden Army busy working as a shield against the flurry of various
projectiles coming from the Rabble Rousers, he was relying on his
team to protect him. Huntress made an attempt to stop them with
explosive crossbow bolts but they weren't enough to break down a
Transformer and she was crushed under Leadfoot's lead foot. He was
within reach of Malekith when a shot from Jason Todd's fire cannon
gun blasted through him. Jason Todd was met with a rocket from
Roadbuster, knocking him to the ground. The Mithril vest protected
him from the explosion but the rapid minigun fire that followed sent
shock through it that beat Todd to a pulp. Roadbuster reached
Malekith, attempting to crush him underfoot as well. He didn't count
on the Dark Elf's superhuman strength and was flung backwards,
leaving him open to Kurse's protective response. Kurse climbed on to
the fallen Wrecker and began punching through until he reached
Roadblock's spark and crushed it. The Topspins had resolved their
battle and while Destro could handle one of them, he was overpowered
by the pair and Topspin Classic made it out of the fight unharmed. It
was at that time that the remaining transformers had made their way
to the Golden Army bots faster than they could regenerate and as they
passed them, they took their fire off and made a quick break for
Malekith. The entire team took defensive action. Super Dinosaur let a
laser blast loose and took out Nightbeat/Muzzle, and Kurse tackled
the formidable Ironhide. As he prepared to break his way through the
Autobot his saw something out of the corner of his eye. He looked up
to see Thor lost all focus on his current fight, turning his rage to
the Asgardian. He realized his mistake when his fist passed through
Mirage's hologram, his foot landing on a mine beneath it.
Unrestrained, Ironhide the pulled himself up and took a single shot
at Malekith, achieving a perfect no-scope headshot. The Golden Army
was rendered useless as the bullet-marred crown flew off Malekith's
head, and Chris Redfield knew it was time to unleash his secret
weapon. "Mewtwo, I choose you!" He bellowed as the Pokeball
burst open. As soon as he emerged he used Calm Mind to boost his
stats. With his psychic powers and increased intellect, he quickly
scanned the battlefield, strategized, and took to the air. He looked
down to see Snapdragon and Doublecross dino-double-teaming Super
Dinosaur and let a Psystrike loose on the pair, destroying them both
along with Crunk. He looked down to see Chris Redfield failing to
defend himself against Outback, but Mewtwo felt no subservience to
his intended master and focused on more valuable actions. Ironhide
was percieved as the greatest threat and he began to use Ice Beam on
him. As he began to freeze, he raised a grenade launcher in
resistance to his slowing movement and just before the ice enveloping
him covered the launcher a grenade escaped and came crashing in to
Mewtwo. Cy-Kill had finished tearing through the pair of Junkeons and
moved to fight alongside Clanks the Terminator against Runabout and
Runamuck. They sped around in vehicle form and Runamuck ran down
Clanks before he saw it coming. They both turned to face Cy-Kill and
revved up. Cy-Kill braced himself as as they neared, initiated a
self-destruct that caught both Battlechargers in the blast. By this
time the Grindhouse was down in numbers and, fresh out of combatants
that could stand up to a robot greaser army, they were open to attack
from all sides. "Alright boys, time to cream these nerds!"
Mirage commanded as they closed in on the Grindhouse.
A few miles away, the Storm Troopers
had defected from their campy pompadour-sporting team. "Now THIS
is what I'm talking about" said #54 cheerfully. "Just
think, we might have been stucking getting slaughters with those
nutjob Transformers. Now we got to live to make it to this badass
carnival. Race you guys to the roller coaster!"
Turrible Decisions vs. House of Sith Aids
John and Vader’s House
of Sith Aids:
The
Brain, Monseiur Mallah, General Immortus, Garguax, Madam, The Chief, Robotman, Negative
Man, Elasti-woman, Mento, Ambush Bug ,
Aron The Rogue Watcher, Galvatron, Nova Prime (w/ Autobot Matrix of
Leadership), Jhiaxus, Waspinator, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Vampire #91 , Vampire#92 , Vampire#93,
Vampire#94 ,Vampire#95 , Black Lantern Cloverfield Monster, King Godirah ,
Sparkplug Witwicky , Predator#49 , Griffin#1 , Griffin#2 , Griffin#3 ,Griffin#4
,Compsognathus#29, Dark Side Master #6A,
Sith Lord #13-14, Thinking Machine #1-3, Elephant #1-3, Fremen #42
Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions:
John
Zacharski, Nature Boy Ric Flair , Predacon: Rampage ,Red Alert , Inferno, Punch/Counterpunch,
Cliffjumper , Mindwipe, Vorath, Squeeze Play, Locos, Kup (w/ green lantern ring),
Cyclonus, Cyclonus Armada, Brawn w/ green lantern ring, Broadside, Junkeons #1
– 10, Autobots #6 – 10, Droideka #1 – 3, Sardakaur #30-39
Streets of
Rage 4: Ferguson
The streets
of Ferguson, MO
Ferguson, Missouri was once the most
peaceful town in the world, until now that is. Since it wasn’t quite time for
the match to begin, Monseiur Mallah decided to steal some cigarillos from a
convenience store for a little pre-match smoke. He and the brain began walking
in the middle of the street smoking their newly acquired cigarillos. A caravan
of transformers and misfits slowly trailed behind them waiting for them to move
out of the way so that they could get to their fantasy match that was to begin
soon. Eventually the local authorities were called, who politely asked the two
to move aside.
“Excuse me gentlemen,
but it appears as if you may be impeding traffic. It would be much appreciated
if you could please step to the side so that they may get by.” Said the police
officer.
This angered
Monseiur Mallah, who immediately leaped at several of the officers beating them
senseless. After killing a few and injuring others, the remaining officers
opened fired in self-defense killing Monseiur Mallah.
Several of
the locals began to take notice as his dead body lay bleeding in the street.
Although they knew nothing of this being, they began to see a resemblance. They
then looked up to see several Caucasoid police officers with smoking guns.
“A travesty!”
The natives shouted. “He was unarmed and innocent!”. With no thinking left to
do, the entire city’s population went on instinct and broke out into a riot.
Stuck in a violent city the two teams began their match.
The
Sardakaurs attempted to contain the natives but were quickly disposed of by guerrilla
warfare tactics. The elephants got scared and ran away.
The numerous
transformers on both teams decide to transform into robot mode only to find
that many of their parts have been stolen or vandalized. The Junkeons, with all
of their remaining parts transformed into a gestalt, Junkman, who is basically
just a big garbage man with a garbage truck. They throw Black Lantern Cloverfield
Monster in the back and hit the compact button, and then move down to the next
house.
The matrix,
set to go off in the darkest hour, realizes that every hour here is “dark” and
immediately goes off, killing many of the combatants in its vicinity.
In the
spirit of the videogame John Zacharski and Ric Flair team up to unrealistically
dispose of a large quantity of foes without even getting hurt. Predator #49,
the vampires, the griffins, sith lords, the thinking machines, Sith Lords,
sparkplug witwicky, and Dark Side Master #6A, are systematically taken down by
a series of kicks and punches, with a couple drop kicks and uppercuts thrown in
for good measure. They then square off against the boss, Galvatron, but can’t
figure out his pattern. Unfortunately for them they don’t have continues in
this match.
Someone stuck
a stick in the spoke of The Chief’s wheelchair who then falls ground flapping
his only two functional limbs. No one helps him and his wheelchair is stolen.
As the
battle rages on, Arnold Schwarzenegger shoots various weapons
at just about everyone and stands on the corpses while being followed by a film
crew. He is shooting his new film ‘Africa’, with Toto set to write the
soundtrack. Unfortunately since their bassist died during this match they are
just going to loop their song for the entire film.
Just like
the game, most of the other fights turn out pretty much the same way.
Eventually the dust settles and…..
Season 8: Week 4: Layanderletson's -vs- TEAM
Layanderletson’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living
Together to Make a New Family are Mala on a Adult Sized Tricycle, Nexu #3,
Stass Allie, Predator #47, Brass Dragon #8, Teddy Boy with a Magic Broomstick,
Wario, Kingdom Come Lady Marvel, Daisy (Luigi’s Girlfriend) pulling Allia
Atredides Ghola in a Radio Flyer Wagon, Ariana Dumbledore, Aberforth
Dumbledore, Regulous Arctuturus Black, Rabastan Le Strange, Rodolphus Le
Strange, Sam, Paul, Peeta Mellark with Jarnborn, King Edmund the Just, Queen
Lucy the Valliant, Andrew Jackson Libby, Bendonner, Finn McCool, Carrie
Bradshaw, Moltar, Grape Ape, Count Duckula, Dr. Boom Boom Pow, Evette, Arjan
Darkscale, Groudious Maximus, Bagwa, Black Lantern Kyle Houslander, Zombie
Zachary Houslander, Vampire Nick Houslander, Nichol Valdez with a jetpack, Sith
Lavarouck & Blue Light Saber, Jedi Master #1B (Gary), Copper Dragon #9,
Purple Dragon #23, Bronze Dragon #7, Wookie Soldier #46-50, Dark Jedi Master
#1A-5A.
TEAM is Alpha Trion, Wreck-Gar, Junkeon #25 & #26,
Gladiator Voltron #1-5, Luuke Skywalker, Yareal Poof, Depa Billaba, Billy Lee,
Jimmy Lee, Heishiro Mitsurugi, Duke Nukem, Combaticons: Onslaught, Blast-Off,
Swindle, Vortex & Brawl (All to form Bruticus), Ghanima Atreides, Lady
Jessica, Chani, Duke Paulus Atreides, Hector with the Chaos Breaker, Zombie
Pete Sosa, Zangler with a Proton Pack (Immell #13), General Thade with the Dark
Ring, The Kurgan with the Sword of Darkness, Mr. Myiagi with a Katana, Leah,
Seth, Jane, Felix, Sala with Bokken’s Backpack, Vampire Ryan Poteracki &
Vampire Amy Poteracki and Compsagnathid #41-50.
You ever get involved in something so deeply, so all
consuming that you actually forget about the world around you?
That has been where this watcher has been the past several
weeks and though I had thought I was still part of this world, I have come to
realize that I am sadly mistaken. I thought that even though I had been keeping
this in the back of my mind that it would still be waiting for me when I
eventually came back to it. In the case of this fight, I could not have been
more wrong.
As I came upon the scene of The Raging City, it was nothing
but a ruin. Not a single building left standing. Small fires still burning, but
for the most part, just billowing smoke piles with corpses scattered around the
former city.
As I went through the rubble and soot I saw nothing but the
aftermath of what looked like a massive fight, a fight in which I saw nobody
left to talk to.
The bodies of both teams lying everywhere in various states
of decay, littering the landscape. This lonely walk continued until I came upon
the voice of one man, a man who was muttering something to himself either out
of some sort of PTSD state or just because he could find nothing else to
comfort himself with.
His name was the Kurgan or at the very least I assume it is,
as it is the only word he could seem to say. He held a sword that was broken in
half, perhaps out of protection but I suspect it is mainly out of reflex. After
spending time with the man he finally started to open up a bit, speaking in
small fragments. “All at once” at first, then came “Only moments” “total
destruction”, things of that nature. After a while, uttering these minute
details, he started saying it was his team that started it, but that it was the
others who ended it.
I left him alone for a bit, as it was apparent he was in
severe shock. Again I walked around the city only seeing the wreckage of the
fight. Severed heads, loose limbs and more metallic debris then I have ever
seen in a small area covering the place. The broken head of Alpha Trion lying
next to a broken spoke from a large Tricycle. Shattered Lightsaber housings
everywhere the eye could see. Even the charred bodies of several dragons were
barely recognizable in the aftermath of this battle.
Another hour passed as I tried to put together what had
happened, only to be in the exact same place I had been when I arrived. There
was something I could do, something that I do not like doing, mainly because I
had very little control over it. At this point I was desperate.
As I walked over to the Kurgan I contemplated other avenues
that I could try but soon it became quite obvious that there was no other
choice but this one final option. I put my hands on the Kurgan’s head, looked
at him face to face and told him to relax. To my surprise he was relaxed, he
did not even flinch when I began, though that lasted mere seconds before he was
screaming in agony as I combed through his broken mind in an attempt to find
the answers I was searching for.
Immediately I began to see flashes of deeply buried
memories, they were recent memories from what I could tell but deeply buried
nonetheless. Time was moving in reverse as I could first see the destruction of
the city with very few creatures, barely holding on for life. I could see
witches and wizards ripping through robots like paper mache, lightsaber’s
tearing through flesh everywhere I looked and one memory that kept on repeating
of a sword that turned into a flash of light. Every time this memory flashed,
there was nothing after it.
It took a while to put together which way in time this
memory was happening but after multiple viewings of it, I came to understand
this was the last thing the Kurgan saw before he was knocked out. Though it did
not seem like he was merely knocked out. It was as if the blast killed him and
everything else in its path. The flash, then nothing. Over and over again I
watched this until I came to except it to be the end of the match.
So I decided to go back farther in the man’s memory. Everything
in reverse was the way this was going to play for me. Dragon’s on the ground in
a heap one moment, then to see them fly back up in the air in reverse. The
blasts returning back into the gun’s from which they came. Snapped neck’s
reforming into complete bone structures returning to the fights in which would
eventually end their lives. Much of the death happened via telepathy from what
I gathered as much of the TEAM members were deep in trance as the Kitty members
writhed in pain.
Death and destruction in reverse is an interesting way to
witness a battle, as it all seems less chaotic and more obvious in its
motivation. The Kurgan was correct in one thing, this was not a long battle.
Soon enough the city was back in working order, a single event starting and
finishing everything all at once. An elder Transformer giving orders to an
array of other robotic teammates all in agreement on what was to happen. A city
surrounded by these robot’s, only to witness their simultaneous destruction
that purposely set the entire cityscape ablaze without warning. It is
impossible to tell what the motivation behind this arrangement was, but it
seemed more calculated in regards to an offensive move then one out of defense.
All that I can say for sure though, is that this initial
blast was the cause of the majority of the deaths in this fight. Only a hand
full of magical creatures, telepath’s and dragons survived. Well them and the
Kurgan, though he is obvious because it is his mind that I was scanning. After
watching these events a multitude of times I came to this conclusion. The
Transformers and robot’s used their bodies as bombs to destroy the city. This
explosion killed most of the combatants in the fight on both sides.
After that, the magic creatures took out what little was
left of the robot’s and one or two telepath’s. After that, the remaining
telepath’s killed the magical creatures along with one or two lightsaber
carrying warriors. The dragon’s fell to the ground from gun blasts from an
unidentified weapon and the final surge of light came from a single sword,
therefore ending the fight. How the Kurgan survived the fight is still up in
the air.
As I ended my intrusion on the Kurgan’s mind, it was
immediately apparent to me that he did not survive my review of the events. I
gently set his body down on the ground, laying him to rest. Wishing I had not
let my own selfish motivations be the cause of his death.
After an hour or so of studying the ruins I decided it was
time for me to leave. As I was readying myself for departure though, I heard
something coming from the direction from which I had come. I walked over to
where I had left the Kurgan’s lifeless body only to see him sitting up and
smiling at me. I was unsurprisingly confused at what I was seeing, but once I
remembered who the man was it all became very clear.
He was the Kurgan and he was immortal. And despite the fact
that I was here with him, only one thing was ever true in regards to his race,
there could only be one and one was all that was left.
Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters
**The Team Sleeping Pussy Street Gang has taken over the once peaceful city by force. It is up to Griswold’s to bust their Nuts.
Team Sleeping Pussy is The Warriors: Cleon, Swan, Ajax, Fox, Rembrandt, Coshise, Vermin, Snom, and Cowboy, The Mad Max Crew: Nightrider, Toe-Cutter, Bubba, Johnny the Boy, Mudguts, and Cundalini, Sweep #1 and 2, The WILDCATS: Spartan, Voodoo, Grifter, Zealot, Warblade, Maul, Lord Emp, and Void, Blockbuster, Duncan McLeod, The Starjammers: Corsair Summers, Hepzibah, Raza, Longknife, Ch’od, and Cr’ ee, Sunfire, Fremen #31-40, Johnny Blaze, Western Ghost Rider, Black Cat, Cloak and Dagger, Blink, Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), SHIELD Agent #3-6, Jonah Hex (w/ yellow lantern ring), Jubilee, Peacemaker, and Nightshade.
Griswold’s Nut-busters are Xenomorph #71-80, Onslaught, Slim and Red Dayspring (w/ shared green lantern ring), (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, (A of A) Blob), Evan Sabahnur, Jarvis (w/ green lantern ring), Pepper Potts (w/ rescue armor and star sapphire), Ras Al Ghul (w/ green lantern ring), Teneb Kel, maggot, Exl Kresh, Duncan Idaho Ghola #9, The Shining Force: Mini-Pipes, Livewire, The goddess of the Moon, Super-Hero, Cowboy Man, Bear, Stephanie, and P.C., The Super Jackin Power Slackers: The Black Slacker, The Even Blacker Slacker, The Colored Slacker, The Brown Slacker, The Dark Slacker, and The Damn Near Purple Slacker, Dark Side Adept Kyle Houslander, Dark Side Acolyte Zachary Houslander, matrix Agent #2, War Skrull #8, and Skrull #2.
SEGA
1991: All Rights Reserved.
STREETS OF RAGE: FURIOUS IRON FIST
Player Select:
Player 1: Fantomex
Player 2: Cluster
Round 1:
[Enter] Cleon, Swan, and Fox.
Swan: Ugh (that means they’re defeated (after much sprite flashing of course)).
[Enter] Rembrandt, Cochise, Ajax
Fox: Ugh
[Enter] Vermin, Snow, Cowboy.
SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Xenomorph #71-80 (they take damage off of all Team SP characters, and then run off towards the boss; so we’ll just assume they go off to die…. Whateavs, it’s “THE PURGE”).
FIGHT
Cowboy: Ugh
Snow: Ugh
Coshise: Ugh
Cleon: Ugh
Rembrandt: Ugh
Ajax: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[Enter] Peacemaker
Peacemaker: Ugh.
ROUND 2
(Alright everybody, I acknowledge: either you played the video game before and this match seems kinda cute and entertaining; or you are totally lost and you think it is even more of a piece of garbage than it truly is (feel free to skip to the end, you people who do that (you know who you are (I won’t tell anybody)))).
[Enter] Hepzibah, Raza Longknife
[Enter] Corsair Summers
Raza: Ugh
[enter] Ch’ od, Cr’ ee
Hepzibah: Ugh
Fantomex: Ugh
PLAYER 1 GAME OVER
Corsair: Ugh
PLAYER 2 GAME OVER
CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1 Evan Sabahnur
Player 2 (A of A) Blob
ROUND 2
[Enter] Hepzibah, Raza Longknife
[Enter] Corsair Summers
Raza: Ugh
[enter] Ch’ od, Cr’ ee
Hepzibah: Ugh
SPECIAL ATTACK
[enter] Widget and G.W. Bridge
Corsair Summers: Ugh
Ch’ od: Ugh
Cr’ ee: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Duncan McLeod
Blob: Ugh
PLAYER 2 GAME OVER
Duncan McLeod: Ugh
ROUND 3
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
Evan Sabahnur: Ugh
PLAYER 1 GAME OVER
CONTINUE
Player Select
Player 1: Mini-Pipes
Player 2: Livewire
(I mean come on, these guys are based on the creators of The FFL, and The Shining Force Team plus they rule at video games (it’s a great pairing))
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
Mini-Pipes: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Livewire: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
(fiercely grip controller)…Continue
Player Select
Player 1: Slim Dayspring
Player 2: Red Dayspring
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Victoria
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
Victoria: Ugh
SPECIAL ATTACK
[enter] Batwing and Talon in Landmaster
Blink: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Cloak and Dagger
Cloak: Ugh
Red: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Dagger: Ugh
ROUND 4
[enter] Fremen #31-40
Slim: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
CONTINUE
PLAYER SELECT
Player 1: goddess of The Moon
Player 2: Stephanie
“Friendly Fighting”
[enter] Fremen #31-40
goddess: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Stephanie: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
CONITNUE
PLAYER SELECT
Player 1: Bear
Player 2: P.C.
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
Bear: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
P.C.: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
CONTINUE
Player 1: Dark Side Adept Kyle Houslander
Player 2: Dark Side Acolyte Zachary Houslander
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
#33: Ugh
Zack: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
#34: Ugh
Kyle: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
CONTINUE
Player Select
Player 1: Cowboy Man
Player 2: Super-Hero
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Cowboy Man: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
Super-Hero: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1: Teneb Kel
Player 2: Maggot
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
#33: Ugh
#34: Ugh
Maggot: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
Kel: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
CONTINUE
{This similar scenario repeats for Players 1: Exal Kresh and Matrix Agent #2, and Players 2: Ras Al Ghul and Duncan Idaho Ghola #9}.
CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1: Onslaught
Player 2: The Super-Jackin Power Slacker (w/ Mystical Energy Broken .40 oz Bottle).
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
#33: Ugh
#34-40: Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh…………
SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Nova
Western Ghost Rider: Ugh
Johnny Blaze: Ugh
[enter] Black Cat
Black Cat: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Sunfire
Sunfire: Ugh
ROUND 5
[enter] Nightrider
[enter] Toe-Cutter
[enter] Bubba
Toe-Cutter: Ugh
[enter] Johnny the Boy
Bubba: Ugh
[enter] Mudguts
Johnny: Ugh
[enter] Cundalini
SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Superman and Batman (actually War Skrull #8 and Skrull #2)
Cundalini: Ugh
Mudguts: Ugh
Nightrider: Ugh
(super big) BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Sweep #1 and 2
Sweep #2: Ugh
Sweep #1: Ugh
ROUND 6
[ENTER] Nightshade
[enter] SHIELD Agent #3-6
SHIELD Agent #5: Ugh
[enter] Jubilee
#3: Ugh
#4: Ugh
#6: Ugh
SPECIAL ATTACK (lantern edition)
[enter] G.L. 7177.6, Larvox, Star Sapphire #3.
Nightshade: Ugh
Jubilee: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] (yellow lantern) Jonah Hex
Mighty Jackin Power Slacker: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
Jonah Hex: Ugh:
ROUND 7
[enter] Spartan, Voodoo, Grifter
[enter] Zealot, Warblade, Maul
Voodoo: Ugh
[enter] Lord Emp, Void
Warblade: Ugh
Zealot: Ugh
Onslaught: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
(FINAL) CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1: Doomsday
Player 2: (A of A) Nightcrawler
[enter] Spartan, Voodoo, Grifter
[enter] Zealot, Warblade, Maul
Voodoo: Ugh
[enter] Lord Emp, Void
(final) SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Green Lantern Jarvis and Rescue Armored-Star Sapphire Pepper Potts
Void: Ugh
Lord Emp: Ugh
Zealot: Ugh
Warblade: Ugh
Maul: Ugh
Spartan: Ugh
Grifter: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE…….. (Wait a tic…. There is no boss battle in Round 7…. I was testing you. Jeez, am I the only one that has EVEN played this game (or am I just the only one still reading this match??))?
(final) ROUND 8
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] 9 DEATH BLOCKBUSTER
…………….
…………….
…………….
Nightcrawler: Ugh
………………
………………
……………….
…………………………………………………………..
Battle ends…………..
“Thank you Doomsday for destroying The Crime Syndicate, now we can live in peace again”…..
Team Sleeping Pussy is The Warriors: Cleon, Swan, Ajax, Fox, Rembrandt, Coshise, Vermin, Snom, and Cowboy, The Mad Max Crew: Nightrider, Toe-Cutter, Bubba, Johnny the Boy, Mudguts, and Cundalini, Sweep #1 and 2, The WILDCATS: Spartan, Voodoo, Grifter, Zealot, Warblade, Maul, Lord Emp, and Void, Blockbuster, Duncan McLeod, The Starjammers: Corsair Summers, Hepzibah, Raza, Longknife, Ch’od, and Cr’ ee, Sunfire, Fremen #31-40, Johnny Blaze, Western Ghost Rider, Black Cat, Cloak and Dagger, Blink, Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), SHIELD Agent #3-6, Jonah Hex (w/ yellow lantern ring), Jubilee, Peacemaker, and Nightshade.
Griswold’s Nut-busters are Xenomorph #71-80, Onslaught, Slim and Red Dayspring (w/ shared green lantern ring), (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, (A of A) Blob), Evan Sabahnur, Jarvis (w/ green lantern ring), Pepper Potts (w/ rescue armor and star sapphire), Ras Al Ghul (w/ green lantern ring), Teneb Kel, maggot, Exl Kresh, Duncan Idaho Ghola #9, The Shining Force: Mini-Pipes, Livewire, The goddess of the Moon, Super-Hero, Cowboy Man, Bear, Stephanie, and P.C., The Super Jackin Power Slackers: The Black Slacker, The Even Blacker Slacker, The Colored Slacker, The Brown Slacker, The Dark Slacker, and The Damn Near Purple Slacker, Dark Side Adept Kyle Houslander, Dark Side Acolyte Zachary Houslander, matrix Agent #2, War Skrull #8, and Skrull #2.
SEGA
1991: All Rights Reserved.
STREETS OF RAGE: FURIOUS IRON FIST
Player Select:
Player 1: Fantomex
Player 2: Cluster
Round 1:
[Enter] Cleon, Swan, and Fox.
Swan: Ugh (that means they’re defeated (after much sprite flashing of course)).
[Enter] Rembrandt, Cochise, Ajax
Fox: Ugh
[Enter] Vermin, Snow, Cowboy.
SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Xenomorph #71-80 (they take damage off of all Team SP characters, and then run off towards the boss; so we’ll just assume they go off to die…. Whateavs, it’s “THE PURGE”).
FIGHT
Cowboy: Ugh
Snow: Ugh
Coshise: Ugh
Cleon: Ugh
Rembrandt: Ugh
Ajax: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[Enter] Peacemaker
Peacemaker: Ugh.
ROUND 2
(Alright everybody, I acknowledge: either you played the video game before and this match seems kinda cute and entertaining; or you are totally lost and you think it is even more of a piece of garbage than it truly is (feel free to skip to the end, you people who do that (you know who you are (I won’t tell anybody)))).
[Enter] Hepzibah, Raza Longknife
[Enter] Corsair Summers
Raza: Ugh
[enter] Ch’ od, Cr’ ee
Hepzibah: Ugh
Fantomex: Ugh
PLAYER 1 GAME OVER
Corsair: Ugh
PLAYER 2 GAME OVER
CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1 Evan Sabahnur
Player 2 (A of A) Blob
ROUND 2
[Enter] Hepzibah, Raza Longknife
[Enter] Corsair Summers
Raza: Ugh
[enter] Ch’ od, Cr’ ee
Hepzibah: Ugh
SPECIAL ATTACK
[enter] Widget and G.W. Bridge
Corsair Summers: Ugh
Ch’ od: Ugh
Cr’ ee: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Duncan McLeod
Blob: Ugh
PLAYER 2 GAME OVER
Duncan McLeod: Ugh
ROUND 3
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
Evan Sabahnur: Ugh
PLAYER 1 GAME OVER
CONTINUE
Player Select
Player 1: Mini-Pipes
Player 2: Livewire
(I mean come on, these guys are based on the creators of The FFL, and The Shining Force Team plus they rule at video games (it’s a great pairing))
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
Mini-Pipes: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Livewire: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
(fiercely grip controller)…Continue
Player Select
Player 1: Slim Dayspring
Player 2: Red Dayspring
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
[enter] Victoria
[enter] Blink
[enter] Blink
Victoria: Ugh
SPECIAL ATTACK
[enter] Batwing and Talon in Landmaster
Blink: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Cloak and Dagger
Cloak: Ugh
Red: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Dagger: Ugh
ROUND 4
[enter] Fremen #31-40
Slim: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
CONTINUE
PLAYER SELECT
Player 1: goddess of The Moon
Player 2: Stephanie
“Friendly Fighting”
[enter] Fremen #31-40
goddess: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Stephanie: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
CONITNUE
PLAYER SELECT
Player 1: Bear
Player 2: P.C.
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
Bear: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
P.C.: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
CONTINUE
Player 1: Dark Side Adept Kyle Houslander
Player 2: Dark Side Acolyte Zachary Houslander
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
#33: Ugh
Zack: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
#34: Ugh
Kyle: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
CONTINUE
Player Select
Player 1: Cowboy Man
Player 2: Super-Hero
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Cowboy Man: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
Super-Hero: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1: Teneb Kel
Player 2: Maggot
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
#33: Ugh
#34: Ugh
Maggot: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
Kel: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
CONTINUE
{This similar scenario repeats for Players 1: Exal Kresh and Matrix Agent #2, and Players 2: Ras Al Ghul and Duncan Idaho Ghola #9}.
CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1: Onslaught
Player 2: The Super-Jackin Power Slacker (w/ Mystical Energy Broken .40 oz Bottle).
[enter] Fremen #31-40
[enter] Western Ghost Rider
[enter] Johnny Blaze
Fremen #31: Ugh
#32: Ugh
#33: Ugh
#34-40: Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh…………
SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Nova
Western Ghost Rider: Ugh
Johnny Blaze: Ugh
[enter] Black Cat
Black Cat: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Sunfire
Sunfire: Ugh
ROUND 5
[enter] Nightrider
[enter] Toe-Cutter
[enter] Bubba
Toe-Cutter: Ugh
[enter] Johnny the Boy
Bubba: Ugh
[enter] Mudguts
Johnny: Ugh
[enter] Cundalini
SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Superman and Batman (actually War Skrull #8 and Skrull #2)
Cundalini: Ugh
Mudguts: Ugh
Nightrider: Ugh
(super big) BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] Sweep #1 and 2
Sweep #2: Ugh
Sweep #1: Ugh
ROUND 6
[ENTER] Nightshade
[enter] SHIELD Agent #3-6
SHIELD Agent #5: Ugh
[enter] Jubilee
#3: Ugh
#4: Ugh
#6: Ugh
SPECIAL ATTACK (lantern edition)
[enter] G.L. 7177.6, Larvox, Star Sapphire #3.
Nightshade: Ugh
Jubilee: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] (yellow lantern) Jonah Hex
Mighty Jackin Power Slacker: Ugh
Player 2 Game Over
Jonah Hex: Ugh:
ROUND 7
[enter] Spartan, Voodoo, Grifter
[enter] Zealot, Warblade, Maul
Voodoo: Ugh
[enter] Lord Emp, Void
Warblade: Ugh
Zealot: Ugh
Onslaught: Ugh
Player 1 Game Over
(FINAL) CONTINUE
Player Select:
Player 1: Doomsday
Player 2: (A of A) Nightcrawler
[enter] Spartan, Voodoo, Grifter
[enter] Zealot, Warblade, Maul
Voodoo: Ugh
[enter] Lord Emp, Void
(final) SPECIAL ATTACK
[Enter] Green Lantern Jarvis and Rescue Armored-Star Sapphire Pepper Potts
Void: Ugh
Lord Emp: Ugh
Zealot: Ugh
Warblade: Ugh
Maul: Ugh
Spartan: Ugh
Grifter: Ugh
BOSS BATTLE…….. (Wait a tic…. There is no boss battle in Round 7…. I was testing you. Jeez, am I the only one that has EVEN played this game (or am I just the only one still reading this match??))?
(final) ROUND 8
BOSS BATTLE
[ENTER] 9 DEATH BLOCKBUSTER
…………….
…………….
…………….
Nightcrawler: Ugh
………………
………………
……………….
…………………………………………………………..
Battle ends…………..
“Thank you Doomsday for destroying The Crime Syndicate, now we can live in peace again”…..
Sunday, March 15, 2015
S8W4: Empire Vs. Horsemen
The Empire is: The Orphan, Grayson, Abe Sapien(8) w/star wand, Madman, Weirdwolf, Monzo, 4-LOM, Zuckuss, Revan, Catarine Towani(8) w/pokeball(Jiggypuff), Jeremitt Towani w/Laser sword, Gorax, Magius, Vigo the Carpathian, El Blanco, Karg(8) w/Indigo Lantern ring, Bill Kelly: Dark Jedi w/Blue lightsaber, Energy bow, and his trusty plumb hammer(9), Eugene "Butch" Aaron Griswold w/his trusty Estwing hammer(9), Mike Huckabee w/Green Lantern ring, Moltar, Sy-Klone, Leetch, Ninjor, Forrest Gump w/Proton pack and zapper, Zombie Nick Houslander w/Yellow Lantern ring, Teddy Tear(8) w/Yellow Lantern ring, Predator #50 w/Green lightsaber, Christopher Robin w/2 green lightsabers, Cybertronian Guardian #8, Kid Gladiator, Movie Wheeljack(Que), Riik #2, Ballistic, Sith Lord #15, and Snow Troopers #1-9.
The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Eson the Seeker, Professor X, Cyclops, Phoenix Jean Grey, Iceman, Archangel, Beast, Scarlet Witch, Hope Summers, Dazzler, Gene Simmons, Paul Staley, Ace Freley, Peter Criss, Deathstroke wLuke's lightsaber, Witch King of Angmar, Zuul w/spirit of Gozer, Vince Cortho, Dalton, Wade Garrett, Miho w/Plo Koon's blue lightsaber and green lightsaber, Sea-man, Gipsy Danger(Pilots: Raleigh Becket and Mako Mori), Striker Eureka(Herc Hanson and Chuck Hanson), Coyote Tango(Stacker Pentecost and Tasmin Sevier), Cherno Alpha(Sasha and Aleksis Kaldonovsky), Crimson Typhoon(Chun, Jin, and Hu Wei), Romeo Blue(Bruce and Trevin Gage), Horse #41(9)+42(9), Antreides Soldier #1-6(9 each), and Blue Tech Guy #1+2
SEGA!
We're on The Streets of Rage, and if you're not down with this mess, you're at the wrong address! Ain't no BSing here, these combatants are getting down and dirty because street fighting is back on the menu, boys! Most are fighting in the center of the city, but The Horsemen have a few notable exceptions standing on the sidelines for now. Their Jaegers are gathered on the edge of the city, fearful that they might step on their own teammates involved in the kerfluffle. On the opposite side of the metropolis, Eson the Seeker stands alone. He is unable to decide if this battle has any cosmic significance, so he waits.
Deathstroke and Miho have teamed up and are spinning their lightsabers in hopes of decapitating The Orphan and Grayson. Fortunately, The Empire's boys know a thing or two about combat, and their agility is keeping the energy blades at bay. Star Wars bounty hunters Zuckess and 4-LOM are not quite as lucky against their opponents Dalton and Wade Garrett. The Roadhouse bouncers are delivering Roadhouse roundhouses (say that 5 times fast!), and are pummeling the competition. Even with her backup band KISS, Dazzler is still having trouble with the extremely durable Kid Gladiator and the Tremors beast El Blanco. Scarlet Witch is trying to even the odds with a hex or two, but the Kid's laughter is indicates trouble for the mutants (or are they Inhumans now? Stupid movie rights.) Hope Summers is weezing some of Jean Grey's Phoenix Force, which is bad news for her attackers Sy-Klone, Leetch, and Ninjor.
On the supernatural side of things Zuul and Vince Cortho are doing their best to resurrect the Spirit of Gozer, but Vigo the Carpathian has something to say about that. Meanwhile, the Witch King of Angmar is disappointed by the Horsemens' selection of transportation. He sees Horse #41 and 42 and kills them, using their spirits to make one evil ghastly steed. He hops atop his new mount to start his own personal massacre of any foolish enough to be in his way.
The Empire's wizard Magius crafts a spell to make Ryan's creature Sea-Man disappear, saving us all from the horrific description of the character. Magius notices teammates Bill Kelly: Dark Jedi and Aaron Griswold sitting on a nearby curb together cracking beers.
"Why doth these warriors shy away from the glorious battle at hand?" questions Magius.
"Hey man, we're both on our last deaths, so if you don't mind, we're going to enjoy what little time we have left." answers Aaron.
"Yeah, it's not like we're going to do much out there. Maybe if we're lucky, we'll get stomped by a Jaeger." agrees Bill Kelly.
"Perhaps, perhaps not." says Magius with a smile.
He uses the last of his lifeforce to create a spell of empowerment to aid his teammates. As the wizard dissipates, Aaron and Bills' respective hammers begin to glow. They feel themselves energized by the hammers, each now equal in power to the mighty Thor.
"Now that's what I'm talkin about! I guess the old man wanted to give us a proper send off!" says Aaron Griswold.
"Shall we?" inquires Bill.
The two fly off to confront the still stationary Horsemen Jaegers. They easily avoid the flailing of giant mech limbs, and throw their hammers at Cherno Alpha. The Jaeger and it's pilots are destroyed as the now mystic hammers return to their owners. Aaron and Bill each raise the hammers skyward, and a massive lightning bolt strikes Crimson Typhoon, frying the mech and those inside.
"Wooooo! How you bitches like me now?" asks Aaron with a grin.
The answer is "not very much", as Coyote Tango and Romeo Blue get their wits together in time to finally stomp Aaron and Bill, just like Bill had foreseen earlier.
Professor X and his core team of X-Men are acting like they have been training together forever (Who knew?). Moltar is getting punished by optic blasts, and GL Mike Huckabee cannot deny that his personal climate is changing via Iceman. Archangel and the Beast are practicing the tried and true "set em up, knock em down" method, counting Catarine and Jeremitt Towani and the Gorax among their successes. Phoenix Jean Grey is currently shielding herself and Professor X, so that Xavier can mide wipe the ever dangerous Forrest Gump before he does something stupid, yet historic. Christopher Robin is the next to go, and the telepathic whammy cuts his strings like a puppet. Xavier is intrigued by very odd thoughts while scanning for another victim, and focuses on a specific being out of sheer curiousity.
The Empire's Madman is leaping through the melee, giving the occasional smack with his trademark yo-yo. He's obviously not doing any damage, but he is clearing his path. He doesn't know why, but he feels compelled to confront Eson the Seeker. He arrives at his destination, and is in awe of the towering Celestial.
"Hellooooo up there!" shouts Madman.
He is met with no response.
"Why am I here? Why was I drawn to you? Are we connected somehow?" asks Madman, but again, there is no reply.
"Fine, have it your way, I guess I'll just have to right some other cosmic injustice... Doo doo doo, just walking away now... Bye... adios... aufweidersehen..." says Madman. He takes a couple steps, but quickly turns around and gives The Celestial a kick in his giant foot. This physical connection activates Madman's inate, yet unpredictable psychic abilities, and he sees the universe through the eyes of Eson. Normally, this would drive one insane, so I guess he's lucky that he's already mad, man. It takes a minute, but the cosmic information is eventually sorted out.
"So you are a seeker, not only of locations, but of knowledge as well? You... want something?" asks Madman.
Eson moves his head slightly to look at the battle that is still raging in the middle of the city.
"You... want to fight... with your fists?" continues Madman, piecing together The Celestial's thoughts. "It looks... fun... to you? Wow, you must be pretty bored if getting punched in the face seems like a good time." observes Madman. "If that's what you want, I can help you! This must be in the best interest of the cosmos, I think... Anyway, no time to think this through, just shrink down to my size, and I'll let you in a secret or two." advises Madman.
Eson easily manipulates his energy to comply with the request.
"Good. Now check it out. What these guys don't know is that we're not even technically real, right now we're just a simulation on a video game. An old school beat em up, in fact. So all you really have to do to kick ass is spam the attack button, and it's combo city! Watch!" says Madman while he punches and kicks the air.
Eson is unfamiliar with the working of something as cosmically insignificant as a SEGA Genesis controller, so he simply jumps aimlessly in place.
"Ok, nice try, but that is the jump button. It's the other one, bro." explains Madman.
Eson releases an incredibly powerful ball of energy into the center of the battlefield, exterminating the remaining combatants outside of The Phoenix and a couple of Jaegers.
"Holy sh*t!!! That's your special attack button! DO NOT do that again! On the brightside, that means there's only one button left. You can do this!" encourages Madman.
Finally, Eson throws his fists, followed by a straight kick to the air in front of him.
"Yes! Now you've got it! Whoa... my cosmic sense is tingling. Somehow, I think we just saved the universe... I think? Ah, screw it, high five big man!" says Madman, extending his palm.
Eson looks at the hand quizzically before raising his own hand for the high five. Said cosmic high five vaporizes Madman.
And that is the story of the unlikely Empire/Horsemen team up that righted the universe. My job is done here.
Wait, what do you mean "They didn't save the universe."? Are you kidding me? Those random commons that Eson blew up were doing something so disturbing, that if it were even transcribed by me, you'd all be dead. Something so horrific, that if I did anything more than acknowledge their presence, your brains would melt and pour out your ears. That goes for anybody else I didn't mention, too. Scary stuff, fellas. You're welcome.
The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Eson the Seeker, Professor X, Cyclops, Phoenix Jean Grey, Iceman, Archangel, Beast, Scarlet Witch, Hope Summers, Dazzler, Gene Simmons, Paul Staley, Ace Freley, Peter Criss, Deathstroke wLuke's lightsaber, Witch King of Angmar, Zuul w/spirit of Gozer, Vince Cortho, Dalton, Wade Garrett, Miho w/Plo Koon's blue lightsaber and green lightsaber, Sea-man, Gipsy Danger(Pilots: Raleigh Becket and Mako Mori), Striker Eureka(Herc Hanson and Chuck Hanson), Coyote Tango(Stacker Pentecost and Tasmin Sevier), Cherno Alpha(Sasha and Aleksis Kaldonovsky), Crimson Typhoon(Chun, Jin, and Hu Wei), Romeo Blue(Bruce and Trevin Gage), Horse #41(9)+42(9), Antreides Soldier #1-6(9 each), and Blue Tech Guy #1+2
SEGA!
We're on The Streets of Rage, and if you're not down with this mess, you're at the wrong address! Ain't no BSing here, these combatants are getting down and dirty because street fighting is back on the menu, boys! Most are fighting in the center of the city, but The Horsemen have a few notable exceptions standing on the sidelines for now. Their Jaegers are gathered on the edge of the city, fearful that they might step on their own teammates involved in the kerfluffle. On the opposite side of the metropolis, Eson the Seeker stands alone. He is unable to decide if this battle has any cosmic significance, so he waits.
Deathstroke and Miho have teamed up and are spinning their lightsabers in hopes of decapitating The Orphan and Grayson. Fortunately, The Empire's boys know a thing or two about combat, and their agility is keeping the energy blades at bay. Star Wars bounty hunters Zuckess and 4-LOM are not quite as lucky against their opponents Dalton and Wade Garrett. The Roadhouse bouncers are delivering Roadhouse roundhouses (say that 5 times fast!), and are pummeling the competition. Even with her backup band KISS, Dazzler is still having trouble with the extremely durable Kid Gladiator and the Tremors beast El Blanco. Scarlet Witch is trying to even the odds with a hex or two, but the Kid's laughter is indicates trouble for the mutants (or are they Inhumans now? Stupid movie rights.) Hope Summers is weezing some of Jean Grey's Phoenix Force, which is bad news for her attackers Sy-Klone, Leetch, and Ninjor.
On the supernatural side of things Zuul and Vince Cortho are doing their best to resurrect the Spirit of Gozer, but Vigo the Carpathian has something to say about that. Meanwhile, the Witch King of Angmar is disappointed by the Horsemens' selection of transportation. He sees Horse #41 and 42 and kills them, using their spirits to make one evil ghastly steed. He hops atop his new mount to start his own personal massacre of any foolish enough to be in his way.
The Empire's wizard Magius crafts a spell to make Ryan's creature Sea-Man disappear, saving us all from the horrific description of the character. Magius notices teammates Bill Kelly: Dark Jedi and Aaron Griswold sitting on a nearby curb together cracking beers.
"Why doth these warriors shy away from the glorious battle at hand?" questions Magius.
"Hey man, we're both on our last deaths, so if you don't mind, we're going to enjoy what little time we have left." answers Aaron.
"Yeah, it's not like we're going to do much out there. Maybe if we're lucky, we'll get stomped by a Jaeger." agrees Bill Kelly.
"Perhaps, perhaps not." says Magius with a smile.
He uses the last of his lifeforce to create a spell of empowerment to aid his teammates. As the wizard dissipates, Aaron and Bills' respective hammers begin to glow. They feel themselves energized by the hammers, each now equal in power to the mighty Thor.
"Now that's what I'm talkin about! I guess the old man wanted to give us a proper send off!" says Aaron Griswold.
"Shall we?" inquires Bill.
The two fly off to confront the still stationary Horsemen Jaegers. They easily avoid the flailing of giant mech limbs, and throw their hammers at Cherno Alpha. The Jaeger and it's pilots are destroyed as the now mystic hammers return to their owners. Aaron and Bill each raise the hammers skyward, and a massive lightning bolt strikes Crimson Typhoon, frying the mech and those inside.
"Wooooo! How you bitches like me now?" asks Aaron with a grin.
The answer is "not very much", as Coyote Tango and Romeo Blue get their wits together in time to finally stomp Aaron and Bill, just like Bill had foreseen earlier.
Professor X and his core team of X-Men are acting like they have been training together forever (Who knew?). Moltar is getting punished by optic blasts, and GL Mike Huckabee cannot deny that his personal climate is changing via Iceman. Archangel and the Beast are practicing the tried and true "set em up, knock em down" method, counting Catarine and Jeremitt Towani and the Gorax among their successes. Phoenix Jean Grey is currently shielding herself and Professor X, so that Xavier can mide wipe the ever dangerous Forrest Gump before he does something stupid, yet historic. Christopher Robin is the next to go, and the telepathic whammy cuts his strings like a puppet. Xavier is intrigued by very odd thoughts while scanning for another victim, and focuses on a specific being out of sheer curiousity.
The Empire's Madman is leaping through the melee, giving the occasional smack with his trademark yo-yo. He's obviously not doing any damage, but he is clearing his path. He doesn't know why, but he feels compelled to confront Eson the Seeker. He arrives at his destination, and is in awe of the towering Celestial.
"Hellooooo up there!" shouts Madman.
He is met with no response.
"Why am I here? Why was I drawn to you? Are we connected somehow?" asks Madman, but again, there is no reply.
"Fine, have it your way, I guess I'll just have to right some other cosmic injustice... Doo doo doo, just walking away now... Bye... adios... aufweidersehen..." says Madman. He takes a couple steps, but quickly turns around and gives The Celestial a kick in his giant foot. This physical connection activates Madman's inate, yet unpredictable psychic abilities, and he sees the universe through the eyes of Eson. Normally, this would drive one insane, so I guess he's lucky that he's already mad, man. It takes a minute, but the cosmic information is eventually sorted out.
"So you are a seeker, not only of locations, but of knowledge as well? You... want something?" asks Madman.
Eson moves his head slightly to look at the battle that is still raging in the middle of the city.
"You... want to fight... with your fists?" continues Madman, piecing together The Celestial's thoughts. "It looks... fun... to you? Wow, you must be pretty bored if getting punched in the face seems like a good time." observes Madman. "If that's what you want, I can help you! This must be in the best interest of the cosmos, I think... Anyway, no time to think this through, just shrink down to my size, and I'll let you in a secret or two." advises Madman.
Eson easily manipulates his energy to comply with the request.
"Good. Now check it out. What these guys don't know is that we're not even technically real, right now we're just a simulation on a video game. An old school beat em up, in fact. So all you really have to do to kick ass is spam the attack button, and it's combo city! Watch!" says Madman while he punches and kicks the air.
Eson is unfamiliar with the working of something as cosmically insignificant as a SEGA Genesis controller, so he simply jumps aimlessly in place.
"Ok, nice try, but that is the jump button. It's the other one, bro." explains Madman.
Eson releases an incredibly powerful ball of energy into the center of the battlefield, exterminating the remaining combatants outside of The Phoenix and a couple of Jaegers.
"Holy sh*t!!! That's your special attack button! DO NOT do that again! On the brightside, that means there's only one button left. You can do this!" encourages Madman.
Finally, Eson throws his fists, followed by a straight kick to the air in front of him.
"Yes! Now you've got it! Whoa... my cosmic sense is tingling. Somehow, I think we just saved the universe... I think? Ah, screw it, high five big man!" says Madman, extending his palm.
Eson looks at the hand quizzically before raising his own hand for the high five. Said cosmic high five vaporizes Madman.
And that is the story of the unlikely Empire/Horsemen team up that righted the universe. My job is done here.
Wait, what do you mean "They didn't save the universe."? Are you kidding me? Those random commons that Eson blew up were doing something so disturbing, that if it were even transcribed by me, you'd all be dead. Something so horrific, that if I did anything more than acknowledge their presence, your brains would melt and pour out your ears. That goes for anybody else I didn't mention, too. Scary stuff, fellas. You're welcome.
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