Season 7, Week 7 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. President Barack Obama and Miley Cyrus's Touring Battalion of Commandos

“Bring the lights up,
Bust the doors down;
Dust yourself off,
Shake it up! Shake it up!”

            -Selena Gomez [Shake It Up]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 7 Match located in Troy. They are as follows:

Slaves: Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1-2, Patroclus  with both Atlas Axe and Halberd, Trojan Man with Ferengi Energy Whip, Mercer, Chuck Norris in Iron Man Armor, Jedi Masters #1C-7C and Darth Shamalay.  

Commandos: Jedi Masters #21-26, Jedi Knight #34B, Knights of Solamnia #1-6, Bronze Dragons #1-3 and the “Shake It Up” crew.

Commandos’ locker room. . .

Rocky Blue:  I’m gonna dance on the graves of all those Slaves!

Cece Jones:  Your rhyme is right on time Rocky!

Slaves’ locker room. . .

Chuck Norris’s Iron Man helmet clangs over his face.  The icon looks to Darth Shemalya. 

Norris: Fear of spiders is arachnophobia.  Fear of closed spaces is claustrophobia.  Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.

Shemalya slowly turns to not only Norris, but to her entire team. Two wet croaks are emitted from her throat.

Shemalya: All.  Mine.

THE TRUMPETING OF A CONCH SHELL IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE STREETS OF TROY.

Let the match begin. . .

Knights of Solamnia.  .  .

Darth Shemalya strides from the locker room into the cobbled streets below.  Her teammates are nowhere to be found.  Shemalya continues and stops at a small square.  The Knights of Solamnia #1-6 rush from homes encompassing the area.  Shemalya is trapped by the Dragonlance characters.  The entire regiment unsheathes and brandishes their swords.  In response, a snap-hiss is heard as Shemalya’s lightsaber ignites.  The Knights are no match for the dark master as the lightsaber easily slices through their blades and readily carves through their bodies.  The entire Knight of Solamnia group remains a littered mass of carnage in the square as Shemalya moves on.   

Bronze Dragons #1-3. . .

Shemalya continues through the streets of Troy and wanders slowly to the docks.  She hears the crunching of scales as three Bronze Dragons crawl from the waters.  The first immediately reacts to the enemy and sprays repulsion gas.  Shemalya leaps over the weaponized cone emitted from the dragon, successfully completes a back flip and cuts through the head of Bronze Dragon #3.  The second two beasts, Bronze Dragons #1 and #2, flank the Sith Lord on two parallel docks and spew lightning from their gullets. Shemalya’s blade deflects the lightning back at the immense reptiles and singes their bodies.  She whispers to herself.

Shemalya:  You call that lightning?!?!

Shemalya unleashes a barrage of Force lightning flashes at the mythical beasts and fries them where they stand.  Bronze Dragons #1 and #2 are killed.   Shemalya moves from the docks and enters into a large citadel. 

Shake It Up Crew. . .

In the structure, the entire “Shake It Up” crew is dancing to their theme song.  Cece Jones, Rocky Blue, Flynn Jones, Ty Blue, Deuce Martinez, Gunther Hessenheffer and Tinka Hessenheffer suddenly cease their moves when they set their eyes upon Darth Shemalya.  Darth swirls her hands and mumbles.

Shemalya:  Shake.  This.  Up. 

Immediately both Cece Jones and Rocky Blue begin making out, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths.  The Hessenheffers begin projectile vomiting at one another’s faces.   Flynn Jones, Ty Blue and Deuce Martinez begin self mutilation on their own bodies.   Shemalya smiles and twists her hands together. 

Shemalya: Bend.  Them. 

The entire Shake It Up crew ceases their respective actions and crumple to the ground.  They do the worm across the marbled floor.  The younglings cannot stop and soon the grinding and cracking of bones is heard as they gyrate in increasing flexibility.  Soon, they lie in their own blood, masses of cracked vertebrae and dripping mucus.  Shemalya balls her hands into fists and the final snapping of necks is heard.  The entire crew perishes.

Jedi. . .

Shemalya moves into the forum and is confronted by Jedi Knight #34B, along with Jedi Masters #21-26.  The multi-colored spectrum of lightsabers echo off the sunlight as they clash against the lone red blade.  Jedi Knight #34B falls first.  Although Jedi Masters #23 and 25 actually graze the black cloak of Shemalya, it is only a matter of time before the Sith Lord defeats all of the Jedi.  She uses her lightsaber to either lop off the head, or disembowel her enemies.  When the skirmish is completed, Shemalya walks away.  She looks back to see her handiwork, being all of the Jedi kneeling, their lungs splayed over their shoulders in a blood eagle position.   

Slaves. . .

Shemalya trudges back to the area of her team’s locker room.  The Sith Lord is greeted by her teammates.   Before anyone can echo a word, Shemalya unleashes a barrage of Force lightning, killing all Jedi Masters #1C-7C.

Patroclus:  What the f@cketh Shemalya!!!  They are on our team!!!

Shemalya:  I hate all Jedi - no matter what team they may be on, especially the common soldiers who are but worthless pebbles to me.  They only survive each match at my fancy. 

A shocked Trojan Man reacts to the desecration and unleashes his whip, striking Shemalya. 

Shemalya: You should not have done that. 

Shemalya throws her hand out and the whip wraps around Trojan Man’s member.  She jerks her hands away from her body and the action rips off his penis.

Shemalya:  Ironic, is it not Trojan Man?

With a flick of her wrists, showers of blood shoot out of Trojan Man’s mottled stump.  Trojan Man bleeds out. 

Chuck Norris:  She cannot be controlled!

Norris uses the Iron Man armor to fly upward while Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1-2 grab the Sith Lord’s arms.  Norris releases a controlled blast at Shemalya, who screams as she is hit and loses her lightsaber.

Norris: Remember Shemalya.  Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience!!!

Before Norris can fire upon his crazed teammate again, Shemalya unleashes Force lightning through her arms and into the Kryptonian Soldiers.  The ferocity of the strikes brings them to their knees, releasing Shemalya.  She reaches out her hand and obtains her lightsaber.  In one foul swoop, both Kryptonian Soldiers’ head are released from their bodies.  Mercer draws his weapons.

Shemalya: Please.

Shemalya’s lightsaber burns through the Renegade’s torso and Mercer dies.

Patroclus drops his weapons.

Patroclus:  Shemalya!!!!  I no longer ache for the touch Achilles!  Let me tend to your needs!

Shemalya:  I need nothing and no one.

Patroclus is killed.

Norris begins to fly away. 

Shemalya:  Not so fast, Norris.

She uses the Force to drag Norris down to the ground.  A skirmish is heard.

Slaves’ locker room. . .

Shemalya strolls through the locker room.  She looks back at one of the stalls and sees Chuck Norris, whose helmet is off. . .  and sporting a Columbian necktie. 

 

 

Standings Updated

Standings have now been updated.  CLICK HERE or, as always, use the link on the right.

Week 6 saw both conferences winning 4 games this week; however, the George Lucas Conference takes bragging rights for the season going 10-6 in interleague play this year.  This week we saw the Midgets close the gap after B3 and the Horsemen both lost.  The Empire now reigns in the Arthur C. Clarke division.  TEAM has risen to the top in JRR, and a 3 way tie for first in Frank Herbert division will make for an exciting last few weeks.

Only 3 weeks left in the season.  And with the final 3 weeks being matchups within your division, almost every team still has a chance at the playoffs.  Good luck to everyone but Adam and Nick.

Spoiler Sport: Week 6!

Hello everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport. Here on The Ocho! Week Six's deserts of Arakeen turned up the heat on the losers in this week of interleague play, while other teams were refreshed for the late season run by their wins!

We start with Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions' Fremen riding Saturn Sandworms into Rabblerouser country! The combined Fremen/Krayt Dragon/Sandworm war left only Neo-Cymek #20, Hammer Bro #20, and Sandworm #6 alive for REAL MAN, despite The Decisions' Navy SEAL Chief #14's last second rally attempt!

David Koresh's Golden Army attacked for The Grindhouse, but The Nut-Busters' Doomsday lead to their ultimate fate. The Nut-Busters serve up a fiery case of deja vu for the false prophet! The Nut-Busters are trying to claw their way into the post-season, while The Grindhouse continues it's
downward trend.

One on one combat was the order of the day in The Midgets versus Kitties match. Stilgar gave Kingdom Come Wonder Woman a primer on local customs on his way to The Midgets' victory!

TEAM bests B-3, but we are unable to show more of that match, as the footage is owned by News Network for Fantasy Gaming. We apologise for this inconvenience.

Team Sleeping Pussy and Barack and Miley's Touring Battalion of Commandos found themselves in an unlikely scavenger hunt. A last second race occured between Navy #30 and Rachel Ray, which ended with the sailor riding Xenomorph/mule #50 in for the checkered flag in The Spice Run 500!

The Highness' Apocalypse attempted to steal the spotlight from the commons on their week, but was thwarted by a a protesting Jade Saraya and The Empire's own Silver Surfer! Can The Empire use this win to get to the play-offs?

George Washington's Slaves' Darth Shemalya continues to enrich her reputation by striking down The Tentacle Warriors' Bama Jordan, and recruiting Zor-Ek, AKA Kryptonian Army Soldier #1, into her fold! The Slaves seem to be turning it around with this match, as The Warriors keep slipping in the standings.

Finally, we have The Horsemen of Apokolips taking on Brock Sampsons Fighting Murderflies, which featured plenty of action! Whether you wanted Al-Qaeda facing off against Asgardians, or Graboid #1 fighting Amazons, this match had it all! A random Murderflies' Rancor #2 killing The Horsemen's ace in the hole Sheeana Brugh was the turning point for the match. Army Ranger #1 manages to kill Zombie Godzilla to keep hope alive, but Sandworm #2 ultimately stands alone for The Murderflies, giving The Horsemen their first loss for this season.

To change things up, we've decided to send Pepper Brooks on location to give us the Resurrection points update, as well as a preview of Week 7. He appears to be atop some ruins. Pepper, what do you see out there?

Muh muhmuh muh muhmuh muhmuh muh! MUHMUHMUH!!! MUUUUUU!!!!!

Pepper?!? PEPPER!!! KID, COME IN!!! Sadly, it appears that we have lost contact with Pepper Brooks. It... seems the high winds by the ruins of Troy have... blown Pepper off the structure. At this point we can only hope for the best... Good luck, Pepper...

........

In Week 7, The FFL brings it's particular form of destruction to the city of Troy. The winners can ride The Trojan Horse to triumph, and the losing teams will continue the fall. Stay tuned to The Ocho for the Sepak takraw finals, LIVE from Malaysia. For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you, and goodnight.

 

S7W6: Grizwold's Nut-busters vs. Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

The Nut Busters are: Doomsday; Warskrull #6-10; Skrull #1; Dark Side Marauder #1-3; Nightbrother #8-9; Dark Side Adept #3; Krayt Dragon #1-2; Warg Riders #3-5,7-8,10 riding on Warg #5-10 respectfully; Zombie #2; Storm Trooper #5-6.

The Grindhouse is: David Koresh; War Wolf #1; Golden Army Soldiers #1-17

Night has fallen and the sands whisper as they blow past the creeping faces of the Dark Side Marauders as they sneak into the camp of their enemy.  The Grindhouse has setup for the night in a large tent in the valley below two dunes.  Inside, David Koresh has begun to lead his service.  All 17 Golden Army Soliders are now brainwashed to kill anything from the Star Wars Universe.  Outside, Koresh can hear a rustling and then the unmistakable cry of a Krayt Dragon.  

“ATTACK!” Koresh orders his golden army.

War Wolf #1 stays close to Koresh as his personal bodyguard.  Outside, he can hear the sound of guns and explosions and lightsabers.  The final screams of Storm Troopers and Warg Riders and even his own Golden Army can be heard just feet away.  After several minutes of intense heart pounding action, the air outside begins to whisper again.  The Wacko from Waco, crouched behind a stack of boxes containing persuasive literature, looks up at his loyal bodyguard.

“Is it over already?  Did we actually win?” Koresh whispers.

He is then horrified as the decapitated head of GAS #13 comes flying into the open door of the tent and strikes a table.  The table falls and the kerosene lantern that sat upon it falls to the ground and breaks.

“Not again…” an annoyed Koresh says to himself.

Fueled by the winds outside, it takes less than ten seconds for the enormous tent to become completely engulfed in flames killing the last two souls for the Grindhouse.

Doomsday, WarSkrull #7, Dark Side Marauder #2, and Nightbrother #9 watch silently, and victorious, as the flames flicker off their blood soaked skin.

s7w5- Empire vs Highness

The Empire is: Silver Surfer, Ewok #76 with Proton Pack and Zapper, Sandworm #9, Sandworm #13, Acklay #3, Krayt Dragon #4, Sith Lord #19 (Darth Vegetariano), Sith Lord #18 (Darth Barren), Jedi Master #40, Predator #50, Terminator #38, Neo Cymek #19, Xenomorph #54, and Rohirim #1

The Royal Highness is:  Apocalypse, Sandworm #1A, #3B, and #4B, Ancient Sith Lords #1and #2, Queen Xenomorphs #1 and #2, Uruk Hai  #57, Atreides Soldiers #14-#20, Jedi Master #40, Jedi Master #41 and  Looney Tunes Gremlins #1-6

Jedi Master #41 knows that there's more to the commons than most think. They're not just a random, faceless piece of the background. A prop to be used to make other, more well known players look good. Every time they hears the term 'cannon fodder' it ignites a spark of  not only rage inside of them, but a desire to break free of that label and become someone. And this week could be when that happens. This week, this week is different. This week is the common, faceless' time to shine. There's no Superman, Batman, Hal Jordan or Darth Vader this week. No well known character to sacrifice them all for some scheme that expands his legacy while trivializing those who aren't as famous as they are. No, this week is the week of the unknown. A look at the life-o-meter, the device which informs you of how many resurrections you have left in your career, shows a red, flashing 9. Oh, they've all heard the rumors. How the ninth death is your grand farewell. Where you push yourself well beyond your limits, in the effort to leave a mark in the minds of all and possibly get called back for another chance to show exactly what you can do.  "Today is the day" thinks Jedi Master #41, better known as Jade Saraya. "Today is the day where I become someone who matters" she thinks  as she heads out to the transport and her chance to shine.

As the Highness transport begins it's final descent, and the Sandworms are teleported, Jade ignites her lightsaber, anxious to cut loose. She flies into battle, narrowly avoiding the various Sandworms as they spring up to eat those who would dare disturb them. She deflects a beam from the proton pack fired by an Ewok, and prepares to teach him the folly of attacking her, when Apocalypse's voice BOOMS across the desert.

"HIGHNESS! NOW IS THE MOMENT THAT HAS BEEN FORTOLD! THIS...THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR MEAGER EXISTENCE PROVES TO BE WORTHWHILE! YOU SHALL NOW SPILL YOUR OWN BLOOD FOR THE GLORY OF APOCALYPSE!"

The battle stops. The entire field of commons stops and looks at Apocalypse. No one moves. The Empire look to their common brethren to see what they're going to do, and prepare for the inevitable slaughter at the hands of Apocalypse. Because deep down, all commons know their inevitable fate.

Except for one.

"No." sneers Saraya as she turns off her lightsaber and throws it to the ground. "This is not the way I will go out. As a mere pawn. I've had enough of being a no one. This was to be the week of the lesser known. This was OUR week. It was the least the council could do for us designated 'common' after the new regulations designed to cull our numbers. And now, once again, some fabled 'name' from the main stream steps in to demand me sacrifice MY life for him. Well, no more. I am not just a randomly numbered Jedi Master. My name is Jade Saraya and I WILL BE COMMON NO MORE!"

A blast vaporizes Jade where she stands after such an impassioned speech, leaving a smoking crater in the sand. 

"Any more of you unknowns have an opinion" snarls Apocalypse "I have seen the prophecy. You nobodys are forgetting that it isn't just about you, that the team glory is a shared glory. And I will NOT be denied MY glory. Especially not by a bunch of bullet catchers. Now GIVE ME YOUR BLOOD!"

"Her name was Jade Saraya, and she was a somebody."  whispers one of the Looney Tune Gremlins as he looks at En Sabah Nur. 

"WHAT DID YOU SAY??" demands Apocalypse. 

 "Her name was Jade Saraya, and she was a somebody." says another voice. Apocalypse can't believe his ears. The chant grows louder, and now the Empire's commons join in the cry

"Her name was Jade Saraya, and she was a somebody."

"Her name was Jade Saraya, and she was a somebody."

 "Her name was Jade Saraya, and she was a somebody."

Apocalypse begins to back away from the mob that is forming. He attempts to run to the teleporter, when a blast from sky sky halts his progress. He sees a silvery figure arriving as the Silver Surfer joins in with  the chant.

 "Her name was Jade Saraya, and she was a somebody."

Apocalypse feels the ground below begin to tremble and it dawns on him that in his arrogance, he misinterpreted the prophecy. He tumbles to his death cursing the fates that allowed that damned prophecy to cross his path, and to think that maybe he should lay off the weed.

Meanwhile, on the Playoff Planet, Bill Duer gets up and switches off his television as ESPN 8- The Ocho! broadcasts the news that in a show of solidarity and as an act of defiance to the will of Apocalypse the remaining commons on the Royal Highness yield to The Empire out of respect to their fallen comrade.  Bill smiles, pleased to see that now the commons are beginning to rise up against their mistreatment at the hands of the Watchers. "It's all going exactly as I planned"

Bill Duer exists to his office and clicks on the light to his workbench. He looks at the clay tablet on his desk, the one he just finished carving. A VERY speicific tablet. He  fires up his time door and goes to leave the tablet right where it will be found by Apocalypse centuries later. He hears the voice of Ryatu in his ear  "We tried to tell them, but they didn't listen. But now they all must pay. Tell me, tell me the lesson that ALL must learn"

"You don't f**k with the Horsemen" growls Duer.

 

 

 

Season 7, Week 6: Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches vs. TEAM

Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches are: Terminators 18-23, Predators 36-41, Cobra Vipers 9-16, and Army Soldiers 13-24.

TEAM is: Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip, Sandworm #1B, Sandworm #2B, Sandworm #5B, Valkyrie #7-18, Jedi Master #8, Jedi Master #32A, Jedi Master #16B, Jedi Knight #38B, Jedi Knight #39B, Jedi Knight #40B, Krayt Dragon #5, Cock Sneak Goomba #7, and Cock Sneak Goomba #8

   Hello, Fantasy Fantasy fans, and welcome to the 2014 FFL Desert Games! We're coming to you live from the scorching outskirts of Arrakeen as today's competitors prepare for the challenges ahead of them. On the Red Team, we have TEAM, led by coach Chris Artrip, the Kwisatz Haderach himself. On the Blue Team, we have B3, making the controversial choice to allow their commons to govern themselves. The owners of today's teams have joined us for a brief pre-game interview. Now, Beckerman, what was the plan with your team set-up?

"TEAM's sand team is absolutely unstoppable."

That may be, Becks! Those sandworms are scary enough without a Krayt Dragon stomping around, but we'll just have to see how well they perform in our sports events. Now, Ed, how d- Ed? Mhm... mhm... sorry folks, my producer is telling me that Ed has left the set, apparently looking for a dinner plate for some reason. We'll be back with our first event after a word from our sponsor!

“♪Geniet er van, zo een mooi moment,
met Royco Cup-a-Soup.
Je hebt het verdient dat je jezelf verwent,
met Royco Cup-a-Soup!
Oooh! De lekkerste soep,
soep in een kop!
Dat is Royco Cup-a-Soup!♪

Een kan er maar de lekkerste zijn.”

   Ah, yes. Royco Cup-A-Soup. Only one can taste the best. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, as we begin our starting event, the sand relay! For this three man event, TEAM has elected Valkyries 7 and 8, and the Krayt Dragon. From B3, we have Predators 36, 37, and 38. The runners have taken their positions, and... the whistle is blown! Predator 36 makes an impressive start, and Valkyrie  7 is struggling to force herself up to his speed. She comes up just short and hands off her baton to Valkyrie 8 as Predator 37 takes off ahead. Those Predators are fast, and things are looking bad for TEAM as 38 takes the baton and begins a sprint to the finish line. Valkyrie 8 reaches the Krayt Dragon and has her arm sheared clean off as it takes the baton in its jaws. As Predator 38 nears victory, the dragon spins its tremendous body around with more grace than one would expect, knocking 38 back with its tail, and spits the baton over the finish line complete with attached Valkyrie arm.

   The second game in our lineup is sudden death volleyball, where the first team to score wins! TEAM starts this round with Valkyries 9 through 12 and both their Cock Sneak Goombas, while B3 is playing Army Soldiers 13-18. Valkyie 9 serves the ball, which is returned by Army Soldier 16. The ball falls to Cock Sneak Goomba 8 and crushes it, bounces off, and goes flying under the net. It impacts Army Soldier 13's groin, fatally rupturing his testicles. Luckily, this means B3 has won the round!

   Our third and final game of the day will be a sand castle competition! Two teams of-

"Sand castles? Seriously?" Alright dude, f**k this." Chris says as he signals his team. Sandworms begin erupting from the surface, Terminators are terminating left and right, and there's more blood on the sand than a terrible game starring 50 Cent! Cut to commercial, dear God, cut to commercial!

"♪It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,

with Mentos fresh and full of life!

Nothin' gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool,

with Mentos fresh and full of life!

Life goes better, Mentos freshness,

Life goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life!♪

Mentos: The Freshmaker."

   Ah, Mentos. Fresh truly does go better in life. Thankfully, the organized assault of the Kwisatz Haderach ended the bloodshed in the mere 30 seconds that jingle took up. Unfortunately, it didn't stop a terminator from scattering his brains to many places at once, and it couldn't keep the enormous Sandworms and Krayt Dragon from decimating every other competitor present. All in all, I'd say it's a safe bet to say we've lost our sponsorship deals. From the News Network for Fantasy Gaming (NNFG), this is Daveatu signing out.

Real Man's Rabble Rousers Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Real Men’s Rabble Rousers are Agent Colson (w/ Destroyer Gun), Decepticon #8-10, Krayt Dragon #3, Sandworm #6, Fremen #58-63, Ginaz Swordmaster #17-19, Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #19-21, Neo-Cymek #20, Fedayeen Shadow Warrior #13, Fedayeen #1-5, and Hammer Bros. #19-21.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Magma, Sandworms of Saturn #1-6, Fremen #1-14, Navy SEAL Chief #14, Treasure Troll #20, and Shrieker #1-6.


As the Navy SEAL Chief Petty Officer prepares his squad for a full frontal attack, SHIELD Agent Colson, takes a more stealthy approach with his squad.

Phew, this one is starting out dry already and for those of you who read Joshatu’s Horsemen/Murderfly snooze fest, I gotta make something happen here to keep you guys awake.

Yup, you got it, this is The Neon Master Pogo here, everybody’s favorite Watcher with the Big Ol’ Crotcher. Yeah, I’m gonna do my best to entertain you guys by throwing in a plethora of poop and fart jokes and keeping this thing real light hearted, unlike that butthole sniffer Joshatu who’s all like: “Yeah… the sandworm killed the sandworm and everybody was like blah blah blah they sure are big and stuff”.

Ha!! Joshatu’s like totes: “the sandworms are big, long, powerful, and they smell like cinnamon; well guess what, so does my wiener; but I know you guys don’t want to read four pages of crap about that thing (or maybe you do, ya Homos).

So let’s get down to it Pat Benatar!!... The Sandworms of Saturn come popping out of the sand all big and crap and the Turrible Decision Fremen are like: OMG I’ve seen Shai Halud take dumps bigger than those worms. Let’s ride those puny things into battle and conquer The Real Dufuses’s Taint Dabblers for realz. So the Fremen mount the sandworms, which are totally like less than half the size of the sandworms they are used to, but it isn’t as easy as they think it is gonna be. I mean first of all, they don’t even have spots for The Fremen to put their Maker Hooks and plus they have two heads like from Aliens. So Barkley’s Fremen totally start riding the Saturn Sandworms, but Fremen #5, 7, and 11 don’t live through it even though Fremen #11 does get to randomly yell: “GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH”, right before the second head from inside the bigger head eats him and stuff.

The Sandworms of Saturn start rushing in all sandwormy and stuff when all heck breaks loose and The Real Man Sandworm and The Krayt Dragon both pop out of the sand and are all like: “RARRRR LOOK HOW BIG WE ARE”!! And then Agent Colson totally destroys one of the Saturn Sandworms (#3) with his Destroyer Gun, but then Magma totally Magmas the dude and destroys the destroyer gun and then turns Colson into: Coal, Son.

The six Ginaz Swordmasters see what happened to their homeboy Colson, and are like “NOOOO” why does that guy always have to die, but at least it is a wicked way to rally people together in his name. So all six of them, ancient or otherwise rush up on Magma and she’s like: “Hey I’m a mutant and my powers of Magma are totes awesome in the desert cuz it’s way hot here anyway”. And The Ginaz Swordmasters are like: “We are all really getting used to fighting in the desert cuz everybody in the league who has us on their roster plays us in the sand cuz they assume that cuz we r from the Dune Books that we must be kicka** in the desert, which totally isn’t true, cuz we aren’t desert characters at all; but we still are awesome fighters and stuff. So the Ginaz swordsmen team up on her all fast and tough and stuff and use their shield fighting knife and sword close combat techniques to take her out (but Magma does manage to take out G.S. #18 and A.G.S. #21).

The Fremen on The Real Men Squad get to talking and they are like” “Well, we should probably climb on top of our Sandworm and Eff up some Ess”. But then they see their sandworm jump out of the sand before they even set a thumper or anything and they see the Saturn Sandworms coming their way and they get to thinking that they should prolly just let the worms handle it amongst themselves. Then, The Barkley Fremen kinda start thinking the same thing and they bail off their Saturn Sandworms and just let the desert creatures just all kinda do their own desert creature thing. Then Fremen #58-63 start fighting Fremen #1-3, and 8-10, and the two sides are like “We’re 6 Fremen, and we’re 6 Fremen too: “SHAI HALUD AND S*&T”!! And all 12 of them die.

Then the Fedayeen Shadow Warrior sneaks up on The Navy SEAL Chief; but the Chief is a little quicker than anybody expected and he totally Lone Survivors his a** with Kabar Knife.

Back in the Sandworm battle, Sandworm #6 is obviously the top dog but it is outnumbered 5 to 1. But then The Krayt Dragon rolls in and starts jacking up Beetlejuice characters too. The Decepticons then roll in to help out in their fighter jet “Seaker” triple formation and they just carpet bomb the hell out of the Saturn double-headers. Then, a whole crap load of sand got in my eyes and a bunch of big worm foreskin started flopping all over the desert and when it was all over with all The Saturn Sandworms were dead, along with all three Decepticons and The Krayt Dragon was just a big skeleton on the ground like everybody is used to from “A New Hope”. And it was just “Big Papa Dune Sandworm” standing tall, like a big brown weiner or something.

Then the 5 Fedayeen went up to the 5 remaining Fremen and were like: “Hey we’re just like non-Sci-Fi versions of you”. Which as you can figure, pretty much makes them cool but no where near as cool as The Fremen. So The Fedayeen, naturally do not live through the skirmish; but they manage to take out Fremen #12 and 14 with them.

The Hammer Bros. are trying their best to keep The Shriekers at bay by standing on a big rock outcropping and throwing… You guessed it, hammers at the mid-range Graboid incarnations; but all they manage to do is catch Treasure Troll #20 in the orange carpeted head Dead on, with a Dead On Hammer. They know they can’t hold off the Shriekers much longer, but Neo-Cymek #20 flies in to lend a hand. The fight really gets nasty now as the Shriekers are shrieking like crazy and The Neo Cymek keeps finding NEW ways to be mechanical with a cyborg brain. The Shriekers manage to take out Hammer Bros. #19 and 21; and to put down some wicked damage on The Neo-Cymek, but once the wanna be Dune Titan throws down some erratic lasgun fire the Shriekers shriek their last shriek.

The Navy SEAL Chief then rallies the remaining 3 Fremen from his squad and takes them into battle against the last 4 Ginaz Swordsmen and the fight is really pretty freakin sweet. There is like a whole bunch of kicking and punching and fast movin stuff going on, with some more kicking and knife fighting and stuff and then right when I am totally getting into it, Sandworm #6 just blasts out of the sand like a Mexican Food enema and then the match is just like: Whah Whah WHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

And they all got eaten.

And I was just like hmm…

Weird…

Ummm…

THE END.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies VVs. The Horsemen of Apokolips

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are Sandworm #2-5, Graboid #1, Rancor #2, Jawa #2-6, Zombie Godzilla, Al-Qaeda Terrorist #1-9, Squirrel #12, and Ewok #35.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Sheeana Brugh, Sandworm #14, Asgardian #1-6, Nazgul #4, Amazon #1-13, and Army Ranger #1.


“The league calls for commons, and The Horsemen send gods. It seems, no more than appropriate”. Says Asgardian #1 to his teammates, as he sheaths his axe pre-battle.

“My ancestors once viewed the sandworms as incarnations of the one true God, far more worthy of worship than someone who flaunts parlor tricks from a perch in Asgard” says Sheeana, the unofficial team captain of The Horsemen’s desert squad. She continues: “You have seen the menacing beauty of our own Sandworm, but as you know, the four largest sandworms in the league are still in play for our opponents. So, let us not be too arrogant”.

The amazons, the training force of The Mighty Horsemen of Apokolips have worked tirelessly since season 1 to get their team to the position that it is in now, and they along with the first Army Ranger were all greatly honored by the opportunity to represent their team on the front lines this week. As Nazgul #4, Ringwraith to Sauron the Deceiver slowly treads out onto the dusty battlefield of greater Arrakeen, The Army Ranger, Amazons, and Asgardians follow behind him in perfect 3 by 3 formation. Sheeana on the other hand wanders out in to the center of the dunes by herself where she sees wormsign peaceably surrounding her in a circular motion.

For The Murderflies, the squad scatters off into their own directions. Mindless beasts most, the monsters that The Brock Squad has sent off are not much for formulated plans of attack. The Jawas and their adopted pet squirrel hide in a rocky outcropping, while The Al-Qaeda “Freedom Fighters” are strapped up with explosives, bent on the idea of destroying the infidels from Asgard, who dare question that there is any God other than Allah, and that he has any prophet but Mohammed. Ewok #35 on the other hand is valiantly gripping his paw made spear in preparation for his battle with…. Oh, never mind I think he just forgot who he was getting ready to fight and is instead hunting desert rodents….

Feast Happens Yo.

As both teams fill the battlefield, the wormsign around Sheena becomes even greater. It looks and feels as though a lightning storm is happening under the sand; but all who have encountered Shai Halud before know that no form of lightning can do damage like the beasts that are about to make themselves visible.

This would be a great time for me to introduce some dialogue from The Murderflies Squad; but none of the people on the team speak the same language, and of the languages they are speaking, I don’t understand any of them. So, let’s get down to some far from “common”, common action!!

The nine Taliban trained Al-Qaeda Terrorists slowly walk toward The Asgardians while chanting: “Allah Akbar… Allah Akbar…. ALLAH AKBAR… ALLAH AKBAR”. The Asgardians draw their oversized axes and broad swords and stand ready against the “tiny, puny” earth dwellers. Asgardian #1 yells to his comrades: “LET US TAKE THE LIVES OF THESE LUNATICS…. FOR ASGARD!!”!! The Asgardians converge upon the terrorists, and easily begin ripping them apart causing the suicide bombers to die before their bombs even go off; but go off they do indeed in the most glorious fashion. The 72 virgins that they receive will be honored to bang the hell out of the men who just killed 4 false gods (Asgardians #2 and 5 survived the explosions, the rest are enjoying Valhalla).

Ewok #35, charges valiantly at the 13 amazon warriors just to quickly get his face stomped in by Amazon #7; but the amazons soon are met by a much heftier challenge. Graboid #1 bursts from the ground in a manner that is miniscule in comparison to the mighty Makers of Dune; but with a still considerable power and fright factor. The Graboid instantly “grabs Amazons #11 and 13 ripping their bodies in half. The other Amazons, draw their swords and attack the Tremor in unison. Amazon #5 is lost into a treacherous cavern created by the prehistoric monster, while #s 6 & 10 sacrifice themselves for the cause before the remaining Amazons are able to chop and hack at the Graboid until it no longer is moving. The Amazons fight as fiercely as ever, but in truth it is all done in vain as the Graboid would not have lasted long once Shai Halud makes his presence known.

Sheeana looks to her side and sees the death of terrorists and Asgardian beings alike dying in the sand; but she knows that despite these efforts, despite powers and giants of all different sorts, that it will be Shai Halud who decides the outcome of this battle. Sheeana stands peaceably and motionless in the sand as the five worms (#2-5 and 14) circle around her beneath the sand and then emerge into the open air. The Makers, though immensely territorial by nature do not even attack each other as they are under the psychic enchantment of Sheeana. The Army Ranger, The Amazons, the remaining Asgardians, and even the evil Ringwraith begin moving toward the center of the dunes, awestruck at the abilities of their teammate. Each and every one of the sandworms dwarfs every other being on the battlefield. Even the wandering zombified version of Godzilla, who has not quite found his way into the battle proper looks small compared to the structure dwarfing menaces that are the Sandworms of Arrakis. As for the other Murderflies, the Jawas still hang back, whether it be out of fear or intelligence cannot be deciphered even by me.

Sheeana lets the Makers swirl around her as she taps into the heart of what it is to be a true controller of the spice. She closes her eyes, knowing that she needs to have no semblance of fear of the worms, until she all of the sudden finds herself in two pieces, with her top half in the belly of the beast. The Rancor, who had wondered aimlessly and ignorantly into the circle of Sandworms is powered only by his drive for food and the hunt. The Rancor relishes in the consumption of The Fremen/Atreides descendant dying inside his gullet; but as he eats her whole the grip of empathy on the sandworms is released and all hell breaks loose as the worm’s territorial instinct takes over and they are driven by a need to defend their space, defend their spice, and destroy everything in their wake. The sandworms come crashing back into the dunes consuming the rancor even easier than it consumed Sheeana. For as of now, this is not a battle of The Horsemen Vs. The Murderflies but of the sandworms vs. everything else. The Army Ranger, The 2 Asgardians, and all the amazons but #9 escape into the rock outcroppings, the Nazgul on the other hand was just simply too slow to escape the wrath of the worms and their infighting.

The Amazons, have no idea how to combat the mighty worms, so they divert their anger and attention elsewhere. They find the hideout of the Jawas and unleash their fury on the diminutive hooded figures. Jawas #3 & 4 are able to hide even deeper into their small cavern; but Jawas #2, 5, & 6, as well as their pet Squirrel (#12) are massacred by the physically stronger Amazons. Only Amazon #8 falls from a lucky Mini-Ion Cannon pot shot from Jawa #2. The victorious Amazons rally with the rest of their squad as they are called back to regroup by The Asgardians and The Army Ranger.

As the 5 sandworms begin to battle amongst themselves, The Army Ranger makes it clear to the rest of his squad that they can still take control of the battle. He speaks: “We cannot possibly hope to control what those worms will do to each other, we can only hope that they all kill each other and that we are all left standing to take control of this battle. But that zombie abomination of a fire-breathing dinosaur over there, well we could possibly destroy that if we work together”.

The 6 remaining Amazons and 2 remaining Asgardians follow the lead of The Army Ranger as they rush towards the enormous Zombie Godzilla, as the movie monster approaches the city of Arrakeen, due to its uncanny want to randomly destroy anything remotely looking like a city.

In the meantime, Sandworm #3 is the first mortal casualty in the fight over the spice laden land occupied by the Makers. Sandworm #5 is the second.

The Asgardians lead the charge against Zodzilla, and although the wounds they inflict on the beast are considerable, they find that there is no god-fearing within the psyche of an oversized zombified dinosaur. The Asgardians both find themselves on the business end of Zodzilla’s massive rotting feet. The Amazons begin climbing up the side of the monster, attacking in their fierce yet primitive style, creating a diversion for their Army Ranger leader. The Amazons inevitably are all caught by an intense stream of lightning breath that boils them all to the bone; but this emptying of primordial energy provides an opening for Army Ranger #1 to take a cue from The Al Qaeda Terrorists and leap into the mouth of Zodzilla with enough explosives strapped to him to orbit Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Army Ranger dies almost instantly inside the maw of Zodzilla; but he manages to take down the enormous foe as well.

With the valiant effort being undertaken by The 5 and 0 Horsemen, it falls short in accomplishing their goal. The smaller, Sandworms #4 and 14 fall in the all worm battle leaving only Sandworm #2 as the ultimate protector of this area’s spice. And leading this uncommon battle of commons to a close….

S7W6: Midgets vs. Kitties

The Travelling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are: Stilgar, Nazgul #9 on Fell Beast, Fremen #52-56, Centaur #1-6, Zombie Silver Dragon #2, Gold Dragon #1-6, Hammer Bros. #11-16, Balrog #3, Nightsister #2 on Nazgul #9' Mordor Horse, and Hobbit #1.

The Super Orange Kitties and Cats are: Kingdom Come Wonder Woman, Fremen #64-69, Uruk Hai #1-6, Black Dragon #12, Purple Dragon #23, Bronze Dragon #7, Brass Dragon #8, Copper Dragon #9, Griffin #23, Balrog #2, Nexu #3, Twisted Mentat #2, Ginaz Swordsman #13, Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother #2, Avian #3-5, and Dark Side Adept #14.

In the unforgiving heat of the desert, The Midgets and Kitties gather before one another. "We received your message and have heeded the call. Speak your piece so that we may proceed to the glories of battle!" states Kingdom Come Wonder Woman. Six knights in golden scale armor emerge from the midgets numbers. "I will say this but once. The six of us alone could destroy your team. Yes, we would have our losses, but victory would be assured. Fortunately for you, we find such displays unnecessary if avoidable. Our honor demands that we offer you a chance to fight. You may select a champion who will face ours in one on one combat. The one left standing is the victor. What say you, Kitties?" asks a shapeshifted humanoid form of Gold Dragon #1. KC Wonder Woman looks to Twisted Mentat #2 and Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother #2 for guidance. They weigh the merit of the dragon's claim, and both agree that he speaks the truth. "Very well, we agree to this duel." says KC Wonder Woman. "Excellent choice. Your team is gifted with wise counsel. You will be given and appropriate amount of time to select your champion." says Gold Dragon #1.

CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY!

The Kitties and Midgets encircle a large tract of sand, and their heroes emerge to battle. Kingdom Come Wonder Woman was selected for The Kitties, while Stilgar enters the ring for The Midgets. KC Wonder Woman makes a beeline for Stilgar quickly, and manages to strike him with the flat of her blade. He goes down, but uses a roundhouse sweep to take her with him. The pair both ascend to their feet, and the crowd cheers at the opening exchange. The amazon readies herself before swinging wildly at Stilgar, who dodges the blade. He can't get in a counter attack, and is again sent to the ground, this time via her shield. Diana jumps skyward, and intends to bring her blade down on the fremen's head. The "Desert Hawk" barely scrambles out of the way of a descending KC Wonder Woman. While she is still kneeling for the missed blow, Stilgar attempts the old boot to the head. He connects, but an angered KC Wonder Woman stands and delivers a mafia kick to the fremen's torso. She charges her downed foe, but he trips her up with a drop toe hold. The still winded Stilgar has little choice but to use what little energy he has left to slap on a rear naked choke, and hold on for dear life. KC Wonder Woman's oxygen is cut off, but the powerful amazon begins to stand, even with the fremen on her back. She is sweating profusely and starts to black out. Out of sheer desperation, she falls backward and the force of the impact breaks the hold. She rights herself and kicks a still downed Stilgar into the crowd on the edge of the fight. The Kitties Uruk Hai are happy to honor street fighting protocol, and throw him back in to the ring after a few kicks. Though one eye, the beaten Stilgar sees Kingdom Come Wonder Woman charging him one more time. She begins to slow down, and falters before finally dropping a few feet from him. She has passed out from dehydration due to her nonstop exertion. Stilgar slowly and painfully rises with a small bloody smile, glad that his rope-a-dope stategy paid off in the end. "The desert is a cruel mistress. May you have more respect for your surroundings the next time you tread here." advises Stilgar.

"Your hero no longer stands Kitties, it is over for you this day." declares Gold Dragon #1. The Kitties tend to their fallen comrade, while The Midgets' fremen assemble around Stilgar, and carry him on their shoulders out of the makeshift arena while they chant his name.

S7W6: Commandos vs. Team SP

Barack and Miley's Touring Commandos are: Rachel Ray w/green lightsaber and flamethrower, Horse #12, Metroid #1-3 and #6, Sardakur #13-#18, Witch #1-5, Knight of Solamnia #1-6, Red Dragon #1-6.

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Zombie Mephisto, Xenomorph #1-11 and #50, Raptor #31-35, Compy #54-58, and Navy #30.

It's just your average day in the deserts of Arakeen, except for one peculiar gathering. "Perhaps you're wondering why I've called you here today." begins NuFaGtu. "Unfortunately, I forgot that I was watching two matches this week, so I came a little... undersupplied. So I figure since I'm helping you guys out by taking this match, you could return the favor by grabbing me a 12 pack and some of this "spice" I've heard so much about. The first team to arrive with the goods will get my appreciation and the win! The losers shall win only my scorn... and an all expenses paid trip to The FFL Wood Chipper! I'll be here if you need me. Good luck!" encourages the self serving Watcher as lounges underneath an umbrella in a folding beach chair.

The Commandos' home town Sardaukers have the inside tip on the location of a traveling bazaar, and arrive quickly. They all begin searching the various tables of the local merchants. "Carpets, no... Stillsuit rentals, no... Here we are! Alcoholic beverages!" says Rachel Ray. She grabs some beer and puts it in front of the shopkeep. He gives her a dirty look. "No sale for annoying off-world scum. Move on." says the surly merchant. She moves in close and begins to talk in hushed tones. "Let me let you in on a secret. Do you see those dragons flying overhead? Yeah, they're with us, and will burn this place to the ground if we don't get what we want." threatens Rachel Ray. For good measure, she whistles and a nearby Red Dragon #3 slowly flies closer. The nervous shopkeep begrudgingly gives her the beer and shoos her away. "Well, that was "easy", i hope the spice is a little easier to find." says the television chef.

Team SP's Xenomorphs, Raptors, and Compys are running around aimlessly, as they are all notoriously bad at improptu scavenger hunts. Navy sailor #30 traverses the dangerous terrain. "This coulda been my time to shine! Maybe be somebody important for once. But noooo... That sorry excuse for a Watcher goes and changes everything!" gripes Navy #30 as he continues walking and muttering under his breath. Time passes and he still finds nothing but sand. His frustration peaks. "This is hopeless! I'd sell my soul to win this match." he says desperately. Zombie Mephisto appears suddenly. "NNNNAAAGGGGGLLLL!" moans Zombie Mephisto. I haven't used any Demonic Zombie since college, but I think he said: "That can be arranged."

The lethargic NuFaGtu continues to lounge, until he see two objects racing in from different directions. On one side, Rachel Ray is riding in on Horse #12. On the other, Navy Sailor #30 is racing in on his now noble steed Xenomorph #50, and let me tell you it is f*cking majestic! They are both hauling copious amounts of @ss, so this one is going to be close! It's down to the wire and... Rachel Ray is your winnah! Cash your winning tickets at the windows, track degenerates! "No!!!!! I can't lose! I... oh no... my soul..." worries Navy #30. "Hey pal, you gave it a good go, and don't be nervous about the wood chipper. They say you go into shock pretty quickly, so you only have to WATCH your body get mulched." consoles(?) NuFaGtu. "Good job Rachel, let's see the goods. She produces the beverages then begins to dig through a satchel on the horse. "So what kind of spice do you want? I've got salt, pepper, cinnamon, cayenne..." she says. "No Rachel... "spice"... you know..." infers the Watcher with an obvious wink. Navy Sailor #30 picks up on the cue, and gleefully pats Xenomorph #50 on the side. It's mouth opens, and it's second set of jaws produces a carefully wrapped package. "I've got the hook up! Holla if you hear me!" Navy #30 yells excitedly. "Whoa! I've never seen an Alien become a mule! Score!" exclaims an impressed NuFaGtu. "Looks like I jumped the gun. I guess Team SP pulls it off after all!" declares The Watcher. "Off to the wood chipper, Commandos. Except for you Rachel. Since you're a Nine-deather, I'll make you a deal. Cook me up some vittles, and you go free. Deal?" offers NuFaGtu. She thinks for a second, then uses her green lightsaber to decapitate Horse #12, then rubs spices on the carcass. She readies her flamethrower to start the cook-out, and within minutes, the desert winds are filled with a delicious aroma.