“Shut the f#$@ up! You should just f#$@ing smile and bloooow me! Because I deserve it!”
-Mel Gibson
I look to the teams which will do battle at the women’s bathroom at Sandy’s By The Beach in this Consolation Round 4 Match. They are as follows:
The Horsemen of Apokolips: Ryan Poteracki.
George Washington’s Slaves: Air Bud.
Let the battle begin. . .
I look upon Mr. Ryan Poteracki as he sits upon his porcelain throne. Although it appears he is reading the newest Sports Illustrated, as I look closer, I realize that Poteracki is actually reading the newest Green Lantern comic book which is sandwiched between the magazine’s pages. He is smiling as Hal Jordan Parallax flies across the pages of his book.
Poteracki is interrupted when he hears a scratching on the door. He quickly throws the magazine/comic book down and begins to wipe. As he is about to pull the final tissue needed to clean himself, the door crashes open and Air Bud races toward him. Poteracki trips over his pants. The golden retriever is focused on Poteracki’s manhood.
The dog springs upon Poteracki and Ryan defends himself, while screaming at the possibility of losing something very special to him. Air Bud’s teeth repeatedly gnash together. I look at the scene and it strikes me similar to the shark’s jaws repeatedly searching for Quint in “Jaws.” In frustration at not meeting his goal, Air Bud rips off Poteracki’s new khakis from Armani. The dog is shredding the pants apart while Poteracki stands in his underwear, waiting for the mongrel.
Air Bud jumps in a spectacular fashion and knocks Poteracki against the toilet. A gash is opened on Poteracki’s forehead. Air Bud smells the blood and riles into a frenzy. Air Bud launches himself at Poteracki, once again. This time Poteracki anticipates the move and lifts the toilet top from the toilet. He smashes the dog in the face. The dog’s neck is broken and crumples to the floor.
Poteracki: How about that seventh inning fetch-b$@ch!!!
George Washington’s Slaves: Air Bud dies.
The Horsemen of Apokolips: Ryan Poteracki survives.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Alice's Wonder Team Vs. Logical Genocide
Alice’s Wonder Team is Princess Peach.
Logical Genocide is Robert Hudson (w/ a laser sword & laser gun).
Well, I got some crap on the comment board last week for not talking enough about the setting in which the match took place, so: It is a dark, dreary, crowded bar, the smoke is so thick that you could cut it with a knife (yeah, that's right. In my fantasy world the smoking ban never passed). There is a low hum of conversation emanating through the room which is increasing by the minute as more and more patrons enter the front door creating a line which boils over into the parking lot on a busy Friday night in the snowy month of January in Redford, Mi. Unknown to the working class crowd, who enjoy their friends, family, and drinks, is that aside from their affordable yet delicious food and friendly wait staff that serves them is a lurking hatred brewing as 2 formidable and deadly opponents get ready to engage in mortal combat (not kombat, this isn’t the video game). The line outside the undersized, one toilet bathroom located in the backroom of Sandy’s By the Beech, just North of the storeroom and employee entrance grows longer as the two occupants inside are not using these facilities for their intended purpose; but as the setting for their potential last victory of Season 3. As you enter the small bathroom you will see a single sink on your left with a cracked counter. In front of your face your eyes will be confronted with the sight of a hand dryer and the most notable part of the room can be found on your right. Yeah, you guessed it.... The toilet. But what is unique about the bathroom tonight, is the Princess of The Mushroom Kingdom, who has taken the high ground by standing on The porcelain American Standard Toilet and the bearded Best Buyer himself Robert “Effing” Hudson located with the sink to his back. Hudson already has his laser sword ignited and ready, but he has chosen to holster his laser gun, because he is afraid of a potential ricochet off of the close-quartered walls (that’s right, he’s seen A New Hope & he knows what‘s up). The hum of the laser sword cannot be heard through the wooden door by the conversing bar-goers; but it sounds like a broken Bass Amplifier within the bathroom’s tile lined walls. The reddish glow of the sword brings a brightness to the bathroom that has never been experienced in any other part of Sandy’s. Peach looks tiny to the Robster, but Hudson realizes that she has something up her sleeve....... Literally, she reaches up her sleeve and pulls out one of Sandy’s famous fried mushrooms. She eats it, and then suddenly grows to 2 times her previous size. “Good, I was hoping you’d do something to even the score, before The Robinator brings the pain, Mario ain‘t coming to rescue you this time”. Hudson says to the Princess. “Yeah right Bobby. Nice loser sword by the way, If you were a video game manufacturer, you’d be Hudson-SOFT”. Peach says in reply. Peach then leaps off of the toilet and kicks the hand dryer off of the wall right into Rob, but Rob manages to slice it in half with his laser sword. Peach then floats over top of him in a ducking position (the ducking is out of necessity, like I said the bathroom is super small). The Princess then lands on the other side of Robert and kicks the laser sword out of his hand. She attempts to deliver another kick to the chest of Hudson, but Robert blocks it and then allows her own momentum to throw her onto the dirty tile floor. This sends her back to her small size, but she jumps right back up, ready to do battle. She jumps at Rob, but Rob ducks under her. Hudson, then gets back to his feet and then kicks his laser sword back up to his hands in one fluid motion. Peach is in mid-jump attack with the bronze-colored toilet paper roll in her hands as a weapon when Robert swings upward with his laser sword and slices her in half. Robert allows himself a sigh and says: “More like Hudson-hard Beeotch”.
LOGICAL GENOCIDE IS VICTORIOUS!
Logical Genocide is Robert Hudson (w/ a laser sword & laser gun).
Well, I got some crap on the comment board last week for not talking enough about the setting in which the match took place, so: It is a dark, dreary, crowded bar, the smoke is so thick that you could cut it with a knife (yeah, that's right. In my fantasy world the smoking ban never passed). There is a low hum of conversation emanating through the room which is increasing by the minute as more and more patrons enter the front door creating a line which boils over into the parking lot on a busy Friday night in the snowy month of January in Redford, Mi. Unknown to the working class crowd, who enjoy their friends, family, and drinks, is that aside from their affordable yet delicious food and friendly wait staff that serves them is a lurking hatred brewing as 2 formidable and deadly opponents get ready to engage in mortal combat (not kombat, this isn’t the video game). The line outside the undersized, one toilet bathroom located in the backroom of Sandy’s By the Beech, just North of the storeroom and employee entrance grows longer as the two occupants inside are not using these facilities for their intended purpose; but as the setting for their potential last victory of Season 3. As you enter the small bathroom you will see a single sink on your left with a cracked counter. In front of your face your eyes will be confronted with the sight of a hand dryer and the most notable part of the room can be found on your right. Yeah, you guessed it.... The toilet. But what is unique about the bathroom tonight, is the Princess of The Mushroom Kingdom, who has taken the high ground by standing on The porcelain American Standard Toilet and the bearded Best Buyer himself Robert “Effing” Hudson located with the sink to his back. Hudson already has his laser sword ignited and ready, but he has chosen to holster his laser gun, because he is afraid of a potential ricochet off of the close-quartered walls (that’s right, he’s seen A New Hope & he knows what‘s up). The hum of the laser sword cannot be heard through the wooden door by the conversing bar-goers; but it sounds like a broken Bass Amplifier within the bathroom’s tile lined walls. The reddish glow of the sword brings a brightness to the bathroom that has never been experienced in any other part of Sandy’s. Peach looks tiny to the Robster, but Hudson realizes that she has something up her sleeve....... Literally, she reaches up her sleeve and pulls out one of Sandy’s famous fried mushrooms. She eats it, and then suddenly grows to 2 times her previous size. “Good, I was hoping you’d do something to even the score, before The Robinator brings the pain, Mario ain‘t coming to rescue you this time”. Hudson says to the Princess. “Yeah right Bobby. Nice loser sword by the way, If you were a video game manufacturer, you’d be Hudson-SOFT”. Peach says in reply. Peach then leaps off of the toilet and kicks the hand dryer off of the wall right into Rob, but Rob manages to slice it in half with his laser sword. Peach then floats over top of him in a ducking position (the ducking is out of necessity, like I said the bathroom is super small). The Princess then lands on the other side of Robert and kicks the laser sword out of his hand. She attempts to deliver another kick to the chest of Hudson, but Robert blocks it and then allows her own momentum to throw her onto the dirty tile floor. This sends her back to her small size, but she jumps right back up, ready to do battle. She jumps at Rob, but Rob ducks under her. Hudson, then gets back to his feet and then kicks his laser sword back up to his hands in one fluid motion. Peach is in mid-jump attack with the bronze-colored toilet paper roll in her hands as a weapon when Robert swings upward with his laser sword and slices her in half. Robert allows himself a sigh and says: “More like Hudson-hard Beeotch”.
LOGICAL GENOCIDE IS VICTORIOUS!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
