Sorry for the delay.

Joshatu has been kidnapped by the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt. So until his friends Ryatu and Bryatu can sneak into Jabba's lair and rescue him, this week's festivities will have to be somewhat delayed. I am sorry for the inconveniance, and I hope that everything will be back on schedule very soon. Crap! I think I hear a Gamorian Guard coming up to my cell door so I should probably cut this short. Sorry Again.

-Josh

Hold on to your Butts.

The Easter Classic is Nearly here.
The Touring Battalion of Commandos will be facing off against the Horsemen of Apokolips.

I don't know about you guys, But I think the Horsemen look ready.

BRYATU MAD!!!

I BRYATU AM ENRAGED THAT I DO NOT HAVE MY MATCHES AT THIS TIME ON TODAY'S DATE! LEST I HEAR FROM MY BRETHREN JOSHATU AND RYATU THAT YOUR TEAM WAS NOT GIVEN BY MIDNIGHT ON SUNDAY, YOU SHALL FORFEIT YOUR MATCH!!!! I DO NOT KID!!! I DO NOT JEST!!!! TEST ME - AND YOU SHALL PERISH- READILY-EASILY-AND OFTEN!!!!

I SHALL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS RAGEFUL RANT SINCE I KNOW THAT I WILL BE LIKED TO MR. BAKER'S TEAM MONIKER IF I DO!!!

-BRYATU

Week 5 Standings

Better Than All of You vs The Abomitrons

Better Than All of You is Predator #1-12, Terminator #1-12, Green Lantern, Thanos, Mephisto, Skeletor, The Blues Bros., Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Ghost Rider, Ghost Rider, Loki & Bartleby, Gray Hulk, Abomination, Bishop, Deathlok, Flash, Rob Van Dam, & Sabu.

The Abomitrons are Iron Man, Cyborg Superman, The Crew of Serenity: Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, Zoë, Wash, Book, Anora, Jane, River, & Simon, Mega Man & Rush, Starfire, Raven, Hancock, Cerberus, Phineas & Ferb w/ Perry, Kirby, Stryfe, Abin Sur, Commander Cody, Capt Rex, Elite Clone Trooper #21-36, Baby Colossus, Iron Monger, Widget (w/ body), Montross, Ben 10 Alien Force: Ben Tennyson, Kevin, & Gwen; Falco, Beast, Batman, Robin, & Robin in Blackbird 1, Horri-Bull & Kreb, Zombie #1 & 2, Starship Trooper #51-62, & Naboo Soldier #1.

The Blackbird 1 and Serenity fly into the battle carrying most of the Abomitrons. “Ok men. We need to turn this team around. The Abomitrons need to live up to its name and destroy everything in its path. Now who’s with me?” shout Iron Man. There is a loud cheer heard over their Starktech Comlinks as they all enter the battle. Better Than All of You have already set up their defenses on a large asteroid floating in the rings of Saturn. GWAR stands ready for battle as they see the more super powered members of the Abomitrons fly in. And in one strafing run, Starfire, Cyborg Superman and Iron Man, all collectively destroy GWAR with their energy blasts. Thanos then retaliates by blasting Serenity in its wing, causing it to crash into the side of a meteor. Blackbird 1 lands on the large asteroid and out jumps Commander Cody with his crew of sixteen Elite Clonetroopers as well as Captain Rex and his squad of twelve Starship Troopers. The two teams split up and take cover within some craters. “Damn, these clankers look stronger than usual,” grumbles Commander Cody as twelve Terminators march their way. “Alright team, lets take ‘em out!” shout the clone Commander. The Elite Clonetroopers open fire on the Terminators, but they seem to only be inflicting minimal damage. The Terminators return fire, all carrying massive chain guns, mowing down Elite Clonetroopers #21, 24, 25, 33, and 36. Terminator #4 falls to Elite Clonetroopers #22 (Double Deuce) and 23, and Cody takes out Terminator #12 with an amazing headshot. Meanwhile the Captain Rex led Starship Troopers are being slaughtered by twelve Predators. Predator #2 killed Starship Troopers #51-57 by himself, knowing full well that this could be his final battle. The five remaining Troopers are simply overwhelmed by the Predators and are killed and skinned in a matter of seconds. Captain Rex manages to take out Predators #7 and 9 before Hancock swoops in and saves his ass. The Terminators continue their onslaught of the Clonetroopers and take down Elite Clonetroopers #27, 28, 29, 30, 34, and 35 with heavy gunfire. Captain America sends in some reinforcements to aid the Clonetroopers, as Cerberus, Iron Monger, Stryfe and Horri-Bull with Creb all jump and attack the Terminators. Cerberus’s three head all bite down on three Terminators, shaking them around violently like chew toys, killing Terminators #1-3. Iron Monger tries to use his heavy weaponry, but is having problems with ice build-up and is taken out by Terminators #8 and 9. Horri-Bull wildly attacks Terminators #5 and 7, killing them quickly, but also accidentally taking out Elite Clonetroopers #31 and 32 in the process. Stryfe then uses his telekinesis to rip Terminators #6, 9 and 10 apart, bolt-by-bolt. Before the two final Terminators fall they manage to take out the three Elite Clonetroopers that were still standing. Montross flies in where the Predators had killed the Starship Troopers and takes out Predators #1, 3, 7, and 12 with some cluster missiles. Deathlok then shoots him out of the sky. This attack doesn’t kill Montross, but only enrages him. Montross rushes towards Deathlok, but is blasted away by Deathlok’s plasma rifle. The Blues Brothers are both attacked and eaten by Zombies #1 and 2 who strangely resemble Carlos Olivera and Goblin #1. Skeletor then quickly uses his magic to vaporize the two walking corpses. Flash speeds in and takes out Phineas, Ferb and Perry with lightning fast ease, but the runs right into the waiting mouth of Kirby, who the swallows him whole. Naboo Soldier #1 in then all of a sudden shot by a powerful energy blast that come out of nowhere. Using his technology, Iron Man is able to see that eight remaining Predators have all activated their invisibility cloaks. He locks onto Predators #4 and 6 and blasts them with a repulsor ray. Mega Man and Cyborg Superman both are able to scan the area and see this as well. Mega Man kills Predator #11 with his Plasma Buster, and Cyborg Superman finds Predator #5 and rips his limbs right off of his body. Hancock then finds himself surrounded by Rob Van Dam and Sabu. “Aw, I’ve seen you guys. Ok, you want to wrestle? I’ll wrestle,” says Hancock. He suplexes Sabu into the asteroid and then clotheslines RVD. Hancock then puts Sabu into a Boston crab and pulls back until he tears the ECW Original’s legs clean off. He then quickly puts RVD in a cross face and breaks his neck. Abin Sur then sees Hal Jordan and engages him in battle. And after a fierce, but quick exchange, Hal Jordan comes out on top. With his dying words, Abin Sur says to Hal, “I always knew I had found the right person to take over my ring.” (It’s Abin Sur’s ring that Hal Jordan has. Which, yep, that means they were both fighting with the same ring. Don’t try and think about it too much, you eyes will start to bleed.) Raven is then attacked by Mephisto and is shown what true magic really feels like. Mephisto overpowers her and obliterates the Teen Titan. Batman then takes Blackbird 1 and flies right for Mephisto. He unloads all of its artillery on the demonic being, but he still stands. “Bruce, do not let him survive! No matter what!” shouts the distraught Robin(s). Batman then increases the speed and slams into Mephisto in a fiery explosion that takes all of them out in the process. Mega Man and Rush merge to form Jet Mega Man and rockets up to take on Loki and Bartleby. The two fallen angels are no match for Mega Man’s firepower and fall to the robot-boy. The Ben 10 Alien Force trio find themselves staring face to face with Abomination at this point. Kevin immediately turns himself into asteroid rock, in hopes to give him greater density and strength, but Abomination is too strong and smashes him into pebbles. Gwen tries to hit Abomination with some magic energy but, it doesn’t slow him down and he simply eats her in one bite. Ben then turns himself into Chromastone, which gives him the ability to absorb energy. He allows Abomination to beat on him for a bit and then redirects the energy back at Abomination in the form of an intense laser blast that burns a basketball sized hold through his chest. The two Ghost Riders ride in on their hellbikes and wrap their hellfire chains around Chromastone. They then launch him up into the air and Thanos overloads him with energy causing him to explode. The Abomitrons perform a similar act on Bishop who had been fighting back and forth with Starfire for quite a while. Iron Man and Cyborg Superman both fly in and along with Starfire, hits Bishop with more energy than he can handle and he too explodes from the overdose. Perched high up on a cliff on the asteroid, Deathlok takes aim and shoots Widget, destroying its circuitry. Buy what he doesn’t know is that he was tracked by Commander Cody and Captain Rex, who both sneak up behind him and shoot him point blank in the back of the head. Gray Hulk then leaps on top of Horri-Bull who is in his bull mode. The Decepticon tries to buck Gray Hulk off, but is unable to off seat him. Hulk grabs a hold of Horri-Bull’s horns and rips his head clean off. Gray Hulk then stomps Kreb into the ground. Skeletor sees that there is a baby running around this asteroid and would really enjoy killing him. He walks up to Baby Colossus, but is unexpectedly punched extremely hard by the little tyke. “No child strikes Skeletor and lives!” exclaims Skeletor. He then vaporizes Baby Colossus with a massive blast of evil magic. Suddenly Skeletor feels a large shadow beginning to loom over him, and as he slowly turns to see what it is, Cerberus gobbles him up and swallows the evil overlord. Kirby, using Flash’s power her acquired by eating him, is racing around the asteroid at top speeds, but is brought to a grinding halt by Predator #2 who launches a spear right into the pink puff ball. The two Ghost Riders start circling Commander Cody and Captain Rex, but Starfire flies in and blasts Danny Ketch. This allows the two Clonetroopers to double team Johnny Blaze and shoots him off of his hellbike. Cyborg Superman then targets the remaining Predators and flies straight through Predator #9. Predators #8 and 10 both become visible and try to blow Cyborg Superman out of the sky, but their weapons are no match for Hank Henshaw. He uses his heat vision to burn two small holes right through Predator #10’s helmet, and then using his super speed flies up and rips Predator #8’s head complete off of his shoulders. Predator #2 then leaps on to Hancock’s back and starts to try and claw away at him. Hancock flips him over and starts viciously landing punches to the Predator’s face. He then hears a beeping and realizes that the Predator has set his self-destruct bomb. “Aww s#^!,” says Hancock. He then grabs Predator #2 and whips him as hard and as fast as he can at Gray Hulk. As Gray Hulk turns to see what is flying his way, Predator #2’s thermo nuclear bomb goes off and sends both of them into oblivion. Green Lantern now sees himself in a very familiar situation, as he is one of two of the last surviving members of Better Than All of You. “Thanos, I’m going to be honest, I’ve been here before. This will not end well,” Hal Jordan says somberly. “Foolish human. I am Thanos, The Mad Titan. This team is not powerful enough to defeat me,” replies Thanos. They both then charge out and attack the remaining members of The Abomitrons with an amazing display of valor. Thanos vaporizes Commander Cody and Captain Rex with a blast of cosmic energy and crushes Mega Man and Rush with his bare hands. Green Lantern then euthanizes Cerberus with a vast amount of green energy. Iron Man then attacks Hal Jordan. They hit each other with everything they have, each exhausting the other. “I’m sorry I have to do this Hal. But I promised my team a win this week,” says Tony Stark as he relays all his power in his armor and then detonates a small nuclear bomb that kills both competitors. Thanos is then faced with the oncoming attack of Cyborg Superman, Hancock, Stryfe and Starfire. Stryfe uses his telepathy to distract Thanos, as Starfire blast him with her “starbolts,” and Cyborg Superman and Hancock fly in for the kill, using their sheer strength to defeat the Mad Titan.

THE ABOMITRONS ARE VICTORIOUS!

George Washington's Slaves vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

George Washington’s Slaves are Admiral Ackbar, Agen Kolar, Ajax Major, Arisia, Bebop & Rocksteady, Ben Skywalker, Bill Rizer & Lance Bean, Cade Skywalker, Capt. Picard, Capt. Kirk in an Arwing, Cassandra Nova, Colossus, Connor MacLeod, Corbin Dallas, Santa Claus w/ Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, & Blitzen, Cosmos, Crash Bandicoot, Dare the Terminator, Dormammu, Duncan Idaho Ghola #7, Tank & Dozer, Inspector Gadget, Jason Bourne, Jimmy Neutron, Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez, Ki Adi Mundi, Loki, Martian Manhunter, Metroid #19 & 20, Neo, Trinity, Optimus Prime & Roller, Wedge & R5-D4 in an X-Wing, Scorpion, Shaak Ti, Sypho Dyas, Sonny (from I-Robot), Super Soldier, Yoda, Zorack, & Jedi Master #1.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are The Maxx & Julie, Doc Brown, Lorne Michaels, Speedy Gonzalez, Brak, Dobby, (Brain Damaged) Beowulf, Sarah Palin, The Groovy Gang: Ted, Val, Patty, Sonny, & Groovy, Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne, Forge, Bob: Agent of HYDRA, Agent X, Aunt May, Hellboy, Etrigan the Demon, Lobo, Guy Gardner, G' Nort, Howard the Duck, Booster Gold, Brock Sampson, Kyle Rayner, Beatrix Kiddo, Ted Nugent, Jedi Master #20, Greedo, Dorf, Jedi Youngling #39, Shatterstar, Hydro-Man, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Batgirl, The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Jason, Zack, Billy, Trini, & Kimberly, Mystery Inc.: Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, Scooby-Doo, & Scooby Dumb, Mechagodzilla, Caramon Majere, Raistlin Majere, The Power Puff Girls: Blossom, Bubbles, & Buttercup, Clone Trooper #26, The Technibots: Scattershot, Strafe, Lightspeed, Nosecone, & Afterburner, Ron Popeil, Scarlet Witch, Shazam, Starro, Grimlock, King Leonidas, Dark Claw, Lobo the Duck, & Treasure Troll #17.

Ever since the off-season trade of Thor, Martian Manhunter has been reluctant to form any sort of friendship with Neo. That is of course, until Neo showed up in the locker room with a bag of Choco Cookies, which is J’onn’s real weakness. And after a long conversation and eating the entire back of Choco’s, they have formed quite the bond. They lead the Slaves into battle, which is taking place just outside the orbit of Uranus. (Really? Several space battles and this is the first “Uranus” joke?) Admiral Ackbar, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Connor MacLeod, Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez, Duncan Idaho Ghola #7, Dare the Terminator, and Sypho Dyas are all flying aboard Cosmos. The Murderflies have greatly prepared for this battle and the opportunity to make it three in a row. Ron Popeil, Doc Brown and Forge constructed the first ever Ronco X-Space Station. The Technibots and Mechagodzilla stand guard on the outside of this massive space station that can also make 32 different kinds of pasta. “Access to that station we must acquire,” says Yoda. “I agree Master Jedi,” says Optimus Prime. But Head Coach Leonidas isn’t going to make that easy for them. He orders G’Nort to put a green force field up around the Ronco X-Space Station. “A Green Lantern force field? We can break through power of that magnitude!” shouts Ackbar. Just then flanking the Slaves from the rear coming out from behind the moon, Oberon comes the Megazord, Shazam and Starro, instantly attacking Cosmos and his crew. “It’s a trap!” exclaims the Mon Calamari commander. Luckily for the Slaves, Capt. James Tiberius Kirk swoops in his Arwing and starts firing on the Megazord. He is followed closely behind by Wedge and R5-D4 in a X-Wing. The Megazord uses its Power Sword and slices the Arwing in twain, killing Kirk. Wedge targets Starro and dodges the giant starfish’s arms. Wedge then pulls an Immelmann turn and fires two proton torpedoes at Starro, which kills the large starfish. This prompts Shazam to take action and head straight for the X-Wing. He catches up to it and with his Herculean strength, he rips one of the wings off of the ship, which causes it to spin out of control and into an asteroid that Caramon Majere, Rastlin Majere, Metroid #19, and Jedi Master #1 were all battling on. Shazam then gathers Scarlet Witch, Grimlock and the Technibots to attack the Slaves’s forces. “Prime! Me, Grimlock, wants Prime!” shouts the Dinobot leader. “Then, Grimlock, here I am,” Optimus confidently replies. The two Autobots clash with great intensity. Grimlock swipes a Prime with his energy sword, but Optimus manages to evade the attack. Optimus then finally shows Grimlock why he was chosen as the Matrix-bearer and not Grimlock. He sidesteps Grimlock’s lunging attack and hip tosses the Dinobot over. Optimus takes aim and blasts Grimlock square in the chest, blowing a gaping hole through him. Scarlet Witch then approaches the giant space cruiser that Jimmy Neutron built specifically for this match. She has no problem gaining access to it, because she altered the safety hatch with her mutant powers. She then calmly walks through the cruiser’s hallways, and is confronted by the awesome force of Bebop and Rocksteady. She continues to walk towards them as if they weren’t even there. Rocksteady goes to blast her with his gun, but is quickly turned into a urinal cake. Bebop charges at her, but then finds himself turned into a Strawberry Rhubarb pie. Outside of the Neutron Space Cruiser, Shazam in confronted by Super Soldier, and is hit with a powerful uppercut. Shazam comes right back at him and lands several haymakers, one after another. Super Soldier fires back with a blast of heat vision, which stuns Shazam, but only for a moment. Shazam aggressively attacks Super Soldier, bringing his two powerful fists down multiple times on Super Soldier’s Vibranium-steel alloy shield. Super Soldier pushes back and launches his shield as hard as he can at Shazam’s head. However, Shazam ducks and a catches the shield. He then flies up and drives the point of the shield into the big white star emblazoned on Super Soldier’s chest. The Technibots merge and form Computron, and he analyzes the battlefield and determines how he can help his team out the most. Computron attacks Cosmos and his passengers. He uses his superior intellect and strength to overwhelm the flying saucer and utterly destroys it, as well as everyone inside. “Ho ho ho! Hey Corbin, take a look into my sack and see if there’s anything we can use to defeat those guys,” says Santa Claus as he flies in on his sled. Corbin Dallas digs through the magical sack and pulls out The Hammer of Dawn. “Oh damn, Santa!” exclaims Corbin. “Well I know how much you’ve been looking at the Gears of War crew’s stuff, and you’ve been a great teammate to me. So I figured you deserved it. Now blast that motherf@#%*&!” says Santa Claus. Corbin locks on target with Computron and fires the Hammer of Dawn. The orbiting satellite that the H.O.D. is linked to blasts Computron with an intense Imulsion beam, which rips through the Transformer with great ease. Guy Gardner then fires a green energy beam at the sleigh, knocking the Hammer of Dawn out of Corbin’s hands. Kyle Rayner and G’Nort join Guy and the three of them hit the oncoming reindeer powered sleigh with an immense amount of green energy, vaporizing them in the process. Jason Bourne, Ki Adi Mundi, Ajax Major, Ben Skywalker, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean are all able to gain access to the Ronco X-Space Station and are all attacked by both the Scooby and Groovy Gangs. Jason Bourne leaps into action and snaps the neck of Val, rips the esophagus out of Sonny and breaks the kneecap of Fred. Ajax Major slams his huge hammer down on the fallen Fred, crushing his skull. Bill Rizer and Lance Bean blow away Velma, Ted, Patty and Groovy with their Spread Guns. Ki Adi Mundi and Ben Skywalker then make quick work of Daphne, Shaggy, Scooby-Doo and Scooby Dumb with their lightsabers. As they advance through the station, Jason Bourne is blindsided by a right cross, courtesy of Brock Samson. The rest continue on their mission as Bourne and Samson fight. Jason quickly gains the upper hand, but Brock hits an air lock hatch, which sucks both fighters out into the vacuum of space without any sort of protection. Jason Bourne suffocates and freezes to death. Brock on the other hand, hung onto a strap attached to the station. Brock pulled himself in and shut the air lock. He then noticed that he had a slight nosebleed, but was unsure if it was due to the vacuum of space or Jason Bourne’s spin kick he received to the face earlier. Brock also coughed up a pink chunk, roughly the size of a kiwifruit. Brock didn’t feel very well after this and decided to go and lie down. Ted Nugent spots the intruders and fires a flaming arrow through the forehead of Lance Bean. He then takes aim and fires one into Bill Rizer’s chest. “There is nothing better that hunting the greatest species in the universe; humans,” says the Motor City Madman. These are the last words hear from Nugent as he is relieved of his head by Ki Adi Mundi. Back out in space Martian Manhunter quickly dispatches the small force of Treasure Troll #17, Speedy Gonzalez, and the Power Puff Girls (Get it? “small”). He is then attacked by Brain Damaged Beowulf, and has to go on the defense quickly. J’onn gets bailed out though by his new bromance buddy Neo and the two of them double-team the Cymek. The combination of J’onn’s powers and Neo’s ability to defeat pretty much any sort of machine, regardless of size, is too much for Brain Damaged Beowulf and is killed by the duo. Over on a large asteroid, Agent X just receive a spear to the throat and a “GET OVER HERE!” from Scorpion. Which he quickly followed it up with a vicious uppercut. Agent X tries to retaliate and quick fires his two guns but Scorpion teleports behind him and hits him again. “COME HERE!” yells Scorpion as he fires his spear into Agent X’s back. Scorpion then pulls his mask off and scorches Agent X with his fire breath, killing him. “Hey Bad Breath! Why don’t you try that on me!” shouts Guy Gardner. The Green Lantern the swoops in and drives a giant green energy lance through Scorpion’s abdomen. Cassandra Nova then uses her vast telepathy abilities to control the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers who attack their teammate, Mechagodzilla, with the Megazord. Mechagodzilla fires his Space Beam and blows a hole through the Megazord. Dormammu then arrives and grows exponentially and blasts Mechagodzilla with an insane amount of magic, which rips through and disrupts all of its circuitry, shutting Mechagodzilla down. The Neutron Space Cruiser then is able to dock with the Ronco X-Space Station for a all out final battle. Jimmy Neutron goes right after the Murderflies’s inventors. He rips a thick power line out of the wall, sneaks up behind Doc Brown and jams it into his back, sending 1.21 Jiggawatts coursing through Doc’s body. Jimmy is then, however, taken down by a well-placed bullet to the brain from Forge. Crash Bandicoot tries his spin attack against Dark Claw, only to receive several fatal stab wounds for his effort. Greedo then shoots first at Colossus, but the blast just bounces off of his organic metal body. Colossus then slams his two fists down, crushing Greedo into green goo. Then in a strange and unfortunate twist of fortune, Scarlet Witch says the words “no more spaceships.” And in that moment the Neutron Space Cruiser and Ronco X-Space Station both vanish. The horrible part is that not everyone was still wearing their space suits. Dozer, Aunt May, Dorf, Suzanne, Bob: Agent of HYDRA and Julie all perished in the emptiness of space. Hydro Man was killed as well since he instantly froze and Sonny shattered him into a million pieces. Yoda leads Agen Kolar, Shaak Ti, Arisia, and Cade Skywalker against Guy Gardner, Kyle Rayner, G’Nort, Shatterstar, and Beatrix Kiddo. G’Nort falls to Shaak Ti’s lightsaber, but his death wasn’t in vain as he saved Guy Gardner from a double team by Shaak Ti and Cade Skywalker. Booster Gold, Hawkman and Hawkwoman fly in to lend some aid to their teammates. Yoda leaps and bounces off several small asteroids and slices the wings of Hawkman and drives his lightsaber into the heart of Hawkwoman. Arisia uses her power ring to blast Beatrix Kiddo and ruptures her space suit, killing her in the process. Cade Skywalker engages Booster Gold, who arrogantly thinks he can defeat the Jedi. Cade rushes Booster, who instinctively puts up his force field. However, Cade’s lightsaber is able to penetrate it, and thus striking down Booster Gold. Brock Samson awakes from his nap and realizes that the space station is no longer there and his bed is floating in space. “Aw goddamn it,” grumbles Brock. He then comes face to face with Martian Manhunter. Brock winds up and hits J’onn square in the jaw and actually knocks him back to the Martian’s surprise. He then serves one right back to Brock, which sends him sailing and smacking into Optimus Prime’s chest. Prime then looks at Brock who is reeling back to punch the much larger Autobot leader and blasts him at point blank range with his rifle, finally killing Brock Samson. “Howard, what are we doing still alive in this battle??” asks Clone Trooper #26, who is hiding behind a big iron pherite formation on an asteroid with Howard the Duck and Jedi Youngling #39. “I’m still trying to figure out why they sent a child out into this battle,” replies Howard the Duck. “Hey ya Bastiches! Stop hidin’ and start fightin’,” shouts a cigar chomping Lobo the Duck. The four of them rush out from behind the rock formation, only to be incinerated by Dormammu. The act draws out Etrigan the Demon, who immediately blows his hellfire breath at Dormammu. “Yeah I’m going to help you on this one “Dormie,” cause I really don’t want to listen to this guy rhyme,” says Loki as he sneaks up behind Etrigan and lops his head off with his sword. “Snoochie boochies!” exclaims Jay and he and Silent Bob leap on top of Sonny and bash his head in with a meteorite. “Damn son, I know he was just a robot be we just kicked his f&$#%& a$$,” says Jay. He then tries to light up a joint and pulls his helmet off, not realizing he needed it to survive. Now completely distraught that his heterosexual life partner is now dead, Silent Bob goes unhinged and kills Metroid #20 and savagely kills tank with Sonny’s leg before Cassandra Nova kills him with but only a thought. Neo and Trinity both rush in and shoot Lorne Michaels, Brak, and Sarah Palin several times with their guns. Neo is then clotheslined down and Trinity is kicked right in the gut by the Scourge O’ the Cosmos, Lobo. He then drops an elbow on Neo as Batgirl attacks Trinity. “You should not have done that,” Neo says in a extremely dry and boring tone. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Lets fight!” replies the Ultimate Bastich. Neo backflips up and flies right at Lobo driving him into the asteroid. Lobo kicks him back and then flings his chained hook at the Chosen One, but Neo dodges it and it takes Zorack’s head off instead. Martian Manhunter flies in and they double-team the Main Man. They both use their super speed to overwhelm Lobo. Neo grabs the chained hook out of Zorak’s carcass and wraps it around Lobo several times. Martian Manhunter then takes the hook and phases it into the center of Lobo’s head. When J’onn releases the hook, it becomes tangible and frags Lobo. Batgirl is actually keeping up with Trinity’s moves, having being trained by the best. But Trinity is just simply too fast for her. After several counters and blocks, Trinity is able to get one shot off, but that’s all she needs. Dark Claw sees this happen and is furious, due to the fact that he had taken Batgirl under his wing. He leaps at Trinity and eviscerates her. “NOOOOO!! TRINITY!” screams Neo, who flies as fast as he can at Dark Claw, hardly even stopping to realize that he has already actually torn right through him. Hellboy sets his eyes on Ajax Major, and cranks him right across the jaw with the Right Hand of Doom. Ajax swings his hammer at Hellboy, but he catches it and crushes it within his large stone hand. Hellboy then pulls out the Samaritan and blows Ajax away at point blank range. “Go go Gadget rocket launcher,” shouts Inspector Gadget as a big rocket shoots out of his hat and targets the leaders of the Murderflies. King Leonidas and General Popeil see this coming, but currently are helpless to stop it. The Green Lanterns are busy with the squad of Yoda led Jedi, but G’Nort, being the loyal dog that he is, uses his ring to push them back out of the way. However this opens him up to Shaak Ti’s lightsaber. Shatterstar and Hellboy then both rush Inspector Gadget and rip him limb from limb. I’m pretty sure I saw Hellboy trying Gadget’s trench coat on after they killed him. The Maxx then jumps in and attacks Ben and Cade Skywalker. The two Skywalkers work together and slays the big purple toothy schizoid. Kyle Rayner and Guy Gardner are both putting up a hell of a fight against five Jedi Masters. Kyle is able to take out Agen Kolar with a flurry of green energy bullets and Guy Gardner overpowers Ki Adi Mundi with a giant green energy mace that knocks Ki Adi into a passing comet. Shazam flies in and gives the Green Lanterns some much-needed assistance. He swoops in behind Ben Skywalker and wraps him in a bear hug, crushing his back. This allows Kyle and Guy to take out Cade Skywalker with a double blast of green energy. Colossus then picks Yoda up and launches him right at Kyle Rayner, with his lightsaber drawn, and in one fell swoop takes the head off of Kyle. Scarlet Witch meanwhile has been busy fighting off Arisia. She finally takes down the Green Lantern by turning her power ring into an princess-cut engagement ring. She then blasts her away with some Chaos magic. The magical forces of Dormammu and Loki however soon overpower her. She tries to defend herself, but combined that are just simply too powerful for her. Colossus sees Hellboy and gives him a double axe-handle to the back of the neck, driving him into the ground. He then puts his knee into Hellboy’s back and pulls up on his head until he hears the pop of his vertebrae. Shatterstar tries to face off against Neo, but when he swing his dual-bladed sword at him, Neo just stops it with his bare hand, snatches it out of Shatterstar’s hand and runs him through with his own weapon. Shazam and Guy Gardner are now both facing the threat of Martian Manhunter, Shaak Ti, Loki, Dormammu, Colossus, Cassandra Nova, and Roller. Guy being the prick that he is, instinctively blows up the easy target of Roller. Neo and Martian Manhunter both fly at Shazam and attack him simultaneously. The moment they are about to hit Shazam he shouts “SHAZAM!” and a lightning bolt shoots down and hits both Martian Manhunter and Neo. This knocks both of them back and gives Shazam a much-needed opening. He flies right after Neo and lights him up with a few more lightning bolts, before he is finally weakened enough for him to snap his neck. Martian Manhunter and Cassandra Nova both use their telepathy powers to take over the mind of Shazam. They have him attack and kill Guy Gardner in an act that I can only describe a brutal and horrific. Then the combined forces of Martian Manhunter, Dormammu, and Loki are able defeat and kill Shazam. Yoda then goes after the Murderflies core leaders. Forge tries to shoot the Jedi Master, but Yoda deflects all of his blasts. He throws his lightsaber into Forge’s chest. He then leaps up onto him as he’s falling and pulls the lightsaber out of him. Jedi Master #20 puts up an almost embarrassing performance against Yoda, as he doesn’t even break stride to end the Jedi’s life. “I knew it would only be a matter of time, before we met Master Yoda,” says King Leonidas. “Worthy adversaries are you,” replies Yoda. “Afraid I am. This battle at an end it is,” says Yoda. “If it is then, I shall meet the end as a Spartan,” Leonidas says as he leaps into the air, sword drawn at the diminutive Jedi Master. Optimus Prime comes driving in fast and transforms, blasting Leonidas out of the air. Yoda then lunges at General Popeil, but Dobby sacrifices himself and takes the lightsaber hit for his teammate. Then the combined forces of the Slaves are just too much for the valiant warrior known as Ron Popeil and he falls defiant until the very end.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!Hel

CRISIS ON INFINITE GENRES!

Week 6
Setting: Huge Grassland (just your typical battlefield folks)
Prize: Unique Star Wars Week
Points: 2500 (yup, that's right; 2500).

-TEAM Vs. The Horsemen of Apokolips (for The Sith Infiltrator)
-Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Dooku's ship)
-Better Than All of You Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (The Outrider)
-Built Ford Tough Vs. The Untouchables (The Malevolence)
-George Washington's Slaves Vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Shuttle Tyderium)
-Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies (Lord Vader's Tie Fighter)
-The Syracuse Valley Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos (Nubian 327)
-The Abomittrons Vs. Alice's Wonder Team (Naboo Yacht)

The Untouchables vs. Alice's Wonder Team

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 5 Match: The Untouchables vs. Alice’s Wonder Team.

Due to March Madness I fail to have the time to properly listen in the locker rooms, which are located on satellites floating in the Milky Way. I simply observe that:

The Untouchables are Onslaught, Maleficent, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Dr. Polaris, The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, Slippy Toad in an Arwing, Widget the World Watcher, Space Troopers #1-20, Pounce and Wingspan, The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, The Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl, and Wildfly, The Protectobots: Hot Spot, Blades, First Aid, Groove, and Streetwise, The Insecticons: Bombshell, Kickback, and Shrapnel, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet.

Alice's Wonder Team is Primus, Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Alice Clones #1-3, General Zod, Non, Surtur, Joruus C'Baoth, Jorus C'baoth, Artemis, Hyperion, War Machine, Mandarin, Sith Lord #1 & 2 (Darth Deez & Darth Nutz), Conan the Barbarian, The Predi-Alien, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo, Treasure Troll #3, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Leech, Borg #1-10, Snapdragon and Crunk, Fat Bastard and Vampire #1.

I transport the teams to a space station:


INSIDE THE STATION:

The Alices make a formidable offensive line. Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy and the Alice Clones #1-3 take the lead for their team. They are met by the Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl and Wildfly. Before they have an opportunity to combine into Monstructor, the Alices are upon the robots. Extinction Alice takes out Icepick. Apocalypse Alice destroys Scowl. Alice Abernathy kills Birdbrain. Bristleback crushes Alice Clone #1, but suffers enough damage for Extinction Alice to destroy it. Slog kills Alice Clone #2, but soon succumbs to Apocalypse Alice. Finally, Wildfly rips apart Alice Clone #3, but is destroyed by Alice Abernathy. Thus, all Alice Clones #1-3 and Pretender Monsters are gone.

OUTSIDE THE STATION:

Joruus C’baoth and Jorus C’baoth come together, clone and original Jedi, to fight the Insecticons – in insect mode (since it is easier to move in the weightless space, attaching their limbs to the walls and floors). Although weightless, the confident Jedi ignite their lightsabers. Through various flips, the Jedi manage to take out the rhinoceros beetle, Bombshell. The beetle Shrapnel releases its electricity burst which courses through Jorus C’baoth. The original C’baoth is fried to a crisp. Joruus pushes himself toward Shrapnel and slices the weaponry off the Insecticon; he then finishes the job. As Joruus approaches Kickback, the grasshopper robot uses its legs to kick Joruus out of one of the station’s hatches. Both C’baoths are dead.

INSIDE THE STATION:

In one of the larger rooms, Maleficent and Widget the World Watcher are in a fight with Fat Bastard and Conan the Barbarian. Fat Bastard farts in Widget’s general direction. The gas makes Widget a little woozy. While Widget holds his nose, the Scottish tub of goo grabs the little alien and sits on him, crushing the World Watcher. Seeing her little friend die, Maleficent uses her sorcery to blow Fat Bastard to pieces. The Austin Powers villain is splattered across the room’s walls. Conan then rushes at the witch. He stops in his place as Maleficent changes into a large black dragon. Being fully aware of how to defeat a beast such as this, the Cimmerian manages to dodge the flames and kill Maleficent.

OUTSIDE THE STATION:

The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, take on Non together. Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan that should finish the Kryptonian brute. Saturn Girl coordinates her teammates’ attacks with a telepathic meld. Cosmic Boy uses his magnetism powers to piece together portions of the station’s structure into a cage-like device trapping Non. The remaining Legion attacks at the same time. Lightning Lad uses his electrical abilities; Bouncing Boy bounces back and forth between Non and the station’s exterior; Chameleon Boy transforms into a huge beast; Triplicate Girl strikes him with her three selves; Timber Wolf uses his superhuman abilities and claws to slash; Phantom Girl stealthily attack; and Karate Kid uses his martial arts mastery against the Kryptonian. The combined efforts of the entire Legion defeat and kill Non.

Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris, along with Space Troopers #1-20 are flying about the station, looking for prey. They meet War Machine, Hyperion and the Borg #1-10. Sinestro and Dr. Polaris combine powers to smash War Machine with their version of the ‘Happy Days’ “Malachi Crunch.” Damaged, War Machine falls to the top of the station. The Space Troopers flank War Machine (in both space and on the station’s hull) and take advantage of this situation. They all fire their weapons at the same time. War Machine is killed. The Space Troopers who are on the hull are then swarmed upon by Borg #1-10. Space Troopers #2-14 are killed. Hyperion, with his freezing breath takes out the remaining Space Trooper’s gear, which shatters apart, leaving the Troopers to suffocate. Thus, all Space Troopers #1-20 are dead. At the same time, Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris manage to take out all of the Borg #1-10.

OUTSIDE/INSIDE THE STATION:

Slippy Toad in an Arwing sees the Sith Lords, who have just defeated the Protectobots. The Arwing’s weapons strafe at the Sith Lords’ location. The Darths manage to avoid the fire and enter into a shuttle’s hatch, to safety. Slippy Toad flies on and sees War Machine. War Machine uses his arsenal of weapons and takes out the Arwing. Slippy Toad ejects and finds his own hatch to the space station’s interior. As he walks down the corridor he is met by Predi-Alien. The monster’s jaw strikes Toad in the face and acid burns his entire body. Slippy Toad dies.

OUTSIDE THE STATION:

A gaggle of Transformers meet one another in a pitched battle. For the Untouchables: Megatron, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, and The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet. For the Wonder Team: Primus, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Snapdragon and Crunk. After a pitched battle, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. [For those interested in the entire battle, the following is a recitation of who destroyed who: 1) Brawn destroyed Scourge and Sweep #1; 2) Brawl, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Crunk; 3) Snapdragon destroyed Sweep #2; 4) Brawl (movie) and Elita One destroyed Snapdragon; 5) Huffer, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Brawn; 6) Brawl (movie), Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet destroyed Ratchet (movie); 7) Primus destroyed Brawl (movie), Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet]. Thus, as stated before, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. Primus takes a major beating from Megatron and Devastator, but still remains the superior of the Transformers. Primus manages to destroy Devastator (Constructicons). Megatron is taken by Primus in its arms when Primus suddenly shakes. Pieces of Primus are being ripped off the Transformer and Megatron takes advantage of this fact. Primus’ last sight in the match is Onslaught, arms up and smiling. Believe it, or not – Primus is destroyed.

INSIDE THE STATION:

The Predi-Alien and Sith Lords come upon each other and walk the corridors together. They are met by Conan the Barbarian, Treasure Troll #3 and Vampire #1. The six combatants storm the halls together, looking for their enemies. They meet The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, along with Pounce (in robotic puma form) and Wingspan (in robotic hawk form). The two teams clash. Pounce quickly dispatches Treasure Troll #3, mauling the little guy to death. Conan the Barbarian is “clobbered” to death by the Thing. Mr. Fantastic wraps himself around the Predi-Alien. The Predi-Alien is used to close combat much to the chagrin of Fantastic. The Predi-Alien’s acid breath and ferocity tear through Mr. Fantastic’s body. The Human Torch then scorches the beast with his shooting fire. The Predi-Alien literally goes up in flames and dies. Vampire #1 focuses on the Invisible Woman and uses his powers to hypnotize the female Four member. As he draws her closer, Wingspan’s beak rips through his chest. Vampire #1 bursts into dust and the Invisible Woman finds her senses again. She then turns invisible. It is now the Sith Lords against The Thing, Human Torch, Invisible Woman, Wingspan and Pounce. Although Darth Deez manages to destroy Pounce and Darth Nutz manages to kill the Invisible Woman (using the Force to see her), they are eventually killed by the sheer odds and numbers against them. Darth Deez and Darth Nutz die.

Most of the teams remaining members come together. Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Tomar Tu, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, & Karate Kid, Dr. Polaris, Human Torch, The Thing, Wingspan, and Kickback fight against Surtur, Artemis, Hyperion, Mandarin, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo and Leech. The Thing fights SSJ4 Gogeta. Although Gogeta has many spectacular martial art moves, he is no match for the brute force of the Thing. Gogeta is killed. Blue Beetle’s high tech equipment manages to destroy the circuitry of Kickback. Wingspan kills Beetle in retaliation for his brethren’s death. The Transformer then shreds Leech with its talons. Artemis, being a hunter, uses her god ability to destroy Wingspan. The Legion of Super Heroes combine their forces and kill Artemis.

Mandarin sees the Human Torch flying in the air. Mandarin uses his ice blast ring to freeze Torch. He then uses his disintegration beam to kill the flaming hero. Mandarin uses his vortex beam ring to fly and is met by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. The skills of the Lanterns dispatch the Mandarin.

THE END SCENE:

Brainiac 5: As I calculated. . . .

Wonder Team’s Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Zod, Surtur, Leelo and Hyperion take on Untouchables’ Onslaught, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Dr. Polaris, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, Karate Kid and The Thing.

Megatron takes on Surtur. Megatron is badly damaged by the demon’s flaming sword. As Surtur goes in for the death blow, he is disarmed by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. This gives Megatron enough time to destroy the beast with his full firepower. While his strength is ebbing, Hyperion strikes at Megatron and rips through his shell where Surtur previously damaged. Megatron is destroyed.

Dr. Polaris readily defeats and kills Leelo. Polaris then joins Tomar Tu and Sinestro in their fight against Zod. Although Zod takes the brunt of the battle, the Kryptonian is too strong and soon destroys all three. Dr. Polaris, Tomar Tu and Sinestro are dead. He then focuses on his nemeses that have killed his friend Non. Zod manages to kill Saturn Girl, and Triplicate Girl, although now tiring at the effort he has had to put forth for this match.

Onslaught sees the remains of the Megatron, as well as the Transformers which now litter the ground. Onslaught uses his abilities to re-assemble the Transformers into deadly projectiles. Cosmic Boy, joins with Onslaught, and enhances the projectiles magnetic make-up. Lightning Lad then charges the weapons. With a wave of one hand (and the assistance of Cosmic Boy), he lets the multi-charged and magnetic projectiles fly. Although both Hyperion’s and Zod’s super strength would normally defend against such debris, the shrapnel, rips through both Hyperion and Zod. Their bodies fall to the ground.

The Alices stand their ground, knowing they are outmatched, but ready to die for their teammates and to honor the name of their team itself. Apocalypse Alice manages to kill Timber Wolf. Extinction Alice manages to destroy Bouncing Boy. Alice Abernathy manages to kill Karate Kid. All three Alices are tired, but still standing. Onslaught knows he can kill the three with one fell swoop, but decides to let his teammates finish them off. The Thing strikes Alice Abernathy and crushes her skull. Phantom Girl comes upon behind Extinction Alice and begins to choke her. Chameleon Boy, in a monster form (looking from Resident Evil) kills her. Apocalypse Alice remains standing.

Onslaught: Changed my mind. I want to end this myself. [

Onslaught unleashes his full psychic ability at Apocalypse Alice. Her brain becomes mush and she dies.

The Untouchables: Onslaught, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Phantom Girl, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, and The Thing live.

Alice’s Wonder Team: All Dead.

THE UNTOUCHABLES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!!