Spoiler Sport Week 1

Due to technical difficulties, this week's edition of Spoiler Sport could not be completed in time. Hopefully our rehersal footage will shed light on our situation. Rest assured, loyal viewers, the Spoiler Sport that you know and love will be back and better than ever!

"Okay, Evan, my main man, we've got a lot riding on you and the new Spoiler Sport!" exclaims Ocho Producer #17. "No worries, sir. Evan Strong always delivers!" says the young anchor. "You have a great attitude, kid. You're gonna go far! OK, Quiet on the set. Lights, camera, action!"

"Hel....................................................." mumbles Evan.

"CUT!!! What the hell was that?!? screams Ocho Producer #17. "Just a bad take, don't worry boss, I got this." reassures Evan. "Fine. We'll try again." says an increasingly nervous Producer #17. "Action!" he says.

"..............................................." Evan Strong freezes instantly.

"Cut! Dammit!!! You said you were comfortable doing this!!! You were picked for your impressive acting experience!!! What is your problem?!?" asks Producer #17. "Sooooo..... turns out I'm a great actor on stage, so I figured it would translate seamlessly to screen. Looks like... I'm camera shy." says an embarassed Evan Strong. "CAMERA SHY?!? Get out of my face, you useless hack!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!" yells Ocho Producer #17. Evan Strong leaves the set sheepishly as Producer #17 reluctantly dials his phone.

"Cotton? Cotton, my main man, how have you been? ... Wait, you knew I'd call? Ha!!! Good one, Cotton! So... How about you come back home where you belong? ..... Okay, okay. No more propaganda. ..... EVER! I PROMISE!!!...... okay...... double your normal rate, but I .......... Cotton, be reasonable ....... Fine, fine. Pepper can come back too. ............ No, thank YOU, the pleasure was all mine, sir. Have a nice d..." says Produer #17 before Cotton McKnight hangs up on him. Ocho producer #17 smiles to himself while he puts the phone down. "Welcome home, Cotton..."

Week 1: Season 7: Griswold's Nut-Busters vs Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Griswold's Nut-Busters are (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, Batwing, Pel Tavin, Warskrull #6 and Heat-Man.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions is Super-Cyborg Charles Barkley, Super-Cyborg Michael Jordan, Shrek-it Ralph, Care-Becks and Dark Jedi Master #11A.

SC Charles Barkley: What the S#@$ is Slam Ball?

Batwing: It is this piece of crap fake basketball substitute that Spike TV tried to con frat boys into thinking was cool about 8 years ago. And if there is anything the last ten years have taught us, it is that we live in a nation who caters specifically to frat boys.

Heat Man: I know, even the girls are starting to act like them. If Gloria Steinem only knew that equal rights for woman were going to lead to women acting like douche bags. Oh how the hopes of the past have turned into nothing but the sheer disappointment of the future.

Care-Becks: Somebody had a sh#$#y weekend.

Heat Man: Screw you Beckerman.

Care-Becks: It's Care-Becks bitch. Why don't you come over here and taste my rainbow.

Pel Tavin: Is that a reference you expect any of us to get?

Shrek-it Ralph: I got it.

Dark Jedi Master #11A: Yeah me too.

Batwing: Because of the whole rainbow Care-Bear thing.

Warskrull #6: It's a homo reference right?

Pel Tavin: Okay whatever; I guess this really isn't my sector.

Nickatu: So you got it right? You are playing Slam Ball. There will be four two minutes quarters and if I see anyone using any sort of powers I will be calling a foul. This is a basketball game in 2014, so I do not want to see any contact whatsoever. Oh yeah, and per Slam Ball rules, only four players per team on the court at a time.

SC Michael Jordan: What?

Nickatu: Have Fun!

SC Barkley: This is turrible Cyborg Michael. (The crowd goes wild)

SC Michael Jordan: It's all right Chuck, though I think we should probably sit the Bear.

Care-Becks: WHAT THE F@#$!!!

Batwing: I don't know about you Warskrull #6 but I am thinking you should sit out.

Warskrull #6: What are you talking about; I made myself into a basketball player. I even did my research. This guy came right after Lebron James and was drafted before Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. This guy has to be good. Plus he was the only white guy I could find and as everyone knows white people dominate basketball.

Pel Tavin: I know I'm not from here but I'm pretty sure that's racist.

Warskrull #6: You're the racist if you think that's racist.

Pel Tavin: I don't think that's how it works.

Warskrull #6: Whatever racist.

Batwing: Anyways, like I said Warskrull is sitting. Let's get out there and try to just continually throw the ball to Kurt.

(AOA) Nightcrawler: You better give me the ball and I don't care what that foolish watcher had to say about no powers. I am going to single-handedly win this game. Just put the ball near the basket and I will take care of the rest.

Game Time

Jump ball is won by Nightcrawler as he teleports his way up to the jump ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Dark Jedi Master #11A inbounds the pass to SC Barkley but Nightcrawler teleports in front of him and grabs the ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Dark Jedi Master #11A once again inbounds the pass to SC Barkley and the same exact thing happens.

(Whistle) Foul

Batwing: Time Out. Kurt I know you mean well but I have to sit you.

(AOA) Nightcrawler: Big Mistake Batmite.

Batwing: Okay Darko, get in here.

War Skrull: You won't regret it sir.

Batwing: You want to bet.

Once the blue skinned mutant left the game it finally started to make some progress. After the first quarter of play the score was 14 to 6, which surprisingly enough included two dunks from the Warskrull. Which for those of you who are not a douchy frat boy, that means all of the Nut-Busters points, have come from the Darko wannabe. SC Barkley and SC Michael Jordan have two dunks each and the Dark Jedi took a two point shot that was under suspicion of being force induced, though it could not be proven so it was counted.

Shrek-it Ralph: Is this game supposed to be fun because I've had STD's that sucked less then this? I mean seriously, why is a dunk worth three points but an outside jumper is worth two?

Care-Becks: Shut it you fat f@#$, at least you get to play.

Shrek-it Ralph: You want to play? Be my guest, get in there.

Care-Becks: Oh Ralphy, you're going to regret this.

Shrek-it Ralph: Regret what?

Care-Becks: Oh you just wait.

Shrek-it Ralph: For What? I don't want to play. Have fun.

Care-Becks: Oh I will, you just wait and see.

Shrek-it Ralph just shakes his head at the demented and possibly mentally challenged bear and sits down on the bench. On the other side of the court Nightcrawler was seen pleading with Batwing to let him in the game. After a couple minutes of pleading he agreed to sit Heat Man.

Heat Man: Oh wow, thanks a lot Batty. Rejected again. What's the point of any of it.

Batwing: Oh stop complaining you big girl. Get over yourself and start acting like a man.

Pel Tavin: Am I not getting something again cause it doesn't seem like you guys are talking about basketball.

Batwing: Yes we are, why what does it sound like we are talking about?

Heat Man: Yeah, what are you playing at Pel. You gonna stab me through the heart also?

Pel Tavin: Yeah I definitely don't know what is going on here.

The Nut-busters in bounded the ball to start the second quarter. Fake Darko passed it into Batwing but Nightcrawler teleported in front of his own teammate and intercepted the ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Batwing: What the hell are you doing?

(AOA) Nightcrawler: I told you to just give me the ball.

Due to the foul there was a loss of possession and DJM in bounded it to SC Jordan. Well at least he attempted to inbound it but as soon as he did Nightcrawler teleported in front of him and stole the ball.

(Whistle) Foul

Batwing: What are you not getting about this no powers thing? Get back on the bench Kurt.

Nightcrawler: No, you get on the bench. I'm the captain now.

Batwing: You know what, fine, you're the captain now Kurt.

Nightcrawler: Okay, now give me the ball.

Pel Tavin: It's still their ball Kurt, remember the foul?

Nightcrawler: I don't care about fouls, I just want the ball.

This time Care-Becks inbounds the ball and SC Jordan is able to accept the pass and launch himself on the trampoline and dunk the ball with the beautiful precision that only a Cyborg basketball player could display. With only ten seconds left on the clock the Nut-Busters quickly threw the ball down court to Darko but as he passed the ball over to Pel Tavin, Nightcrawler once again teleported and intercepted his own teammates pass.

(Whistle) Foul

Nickatu: That's six fouls Nightcrawler, you're out of the game.

Nightcrawler: WHAT?!? Fouled out! What kind of bulls#$% rule is that? I love how because you are a watcher you are just allowed to make up any rules that you want.

Batwing: He didn't make up the fouled out rule you asshole. Why do you think I let you go in for me? I knew you would not make it to half time.

Nightcrawler: Whatever Batf#$%, kiss my blue a$$ and suck my blue...

Care-Becks: No way you get to use the same penis joke as me. That's mine you blue skinned f#$#!

Nickatu: Taunting Care-Becks, that's a technical foul.

Care-Becks: Screw you watcher. Smell my a$$hole and lick my fat c#@$ you buttf#@$ing donkey rapist.

Nickatu: Do I really even need to respond to that? Another technical Beckerman, get out of here.

Care-Becks: $@#$  $#%$#  4%$#% #$%#$@@@$#@$%^$%^%$^$%^!!!!! Fair Enough.

The score at Halftime is 22-6 in favor of Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions.

Batwing: Okay guys, this game is not over yet.

Heat Mean: Oh really cause I think it was over before it even began. I don't even know why I tried. What a waste of time and money.

Batwing: Okay what? Now I'm confused.

Pel Tavin: See I told you he's not talking about basketball.

SC Barkley: Why are we not winning by a hundred Michael?

SC Jordan: Because we can literally not try at all and still win by twenty.

DJM: Hey can I shoot a couple of times this half.

SC Barkley: Yeah sure, whatever.

Shrek-it Ralph: You guys mind if I sit this one out?

Nobody says anything to Ralph so he takes that as a yes.

The third and forth quarters were more or less a wash as the Nut-Busters actually out scored them 9-6 in the third and then they both put up 15 in the final quarter of the game. Bringing the final score to 43-30 in favor of Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions And they all lived happily ever after.

Post Game News Conference

Reporter: So let me get this straight, because you had a bad weekend we had to sit through a half unfinished shit match? Is this how it is going to be all year with you?

Nickatu: Um let me think about that one. Next Question.

Reporter #2: What was with all the Heat Man stuff, I am with Pel on this one because I don't get it.

Nickatu: That's too bad for you. Next Question.

Reporter #3: That was it. Did you get a call half way through the match? You wrote the entire first half and then a two-sentence recap. What gives? I thought you were this highly regarded watcher in years past?

Nickatu: One more question. Oh yes, I remember you old friend.

Real Man: Another classic Nickatu, this might be your best work ever. Don't let all the h8ers in this league bring you down. Just keep on doing whatever you want.

Nickatu: Thanks Real Man, I can always count on you for pretending my shit tastes like cotton candy.

Real Man: Anytime, that's what I'm hear for.

Nickatu: Is it?

S7 W1 - Defending Universe Bowl Champions: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs Real Man Rabble Rousers

Horsemen are: Lion-O (w/ GL ring), Tygra, Batman, Brandon Inge (w/ GL ring), Taskmaster.

Rabble Rousers are: Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Gunner Jansen, and Hail Caesar.

It is 2:00 am and the Rabble Rousers are the first to show up on the dimly lit street court in north Harlem.  They immediately take objection to the 3 on 3 street game that is already taking place by a group of local hooligans.

“Pardon me, Gents.  But I believe the park is closed.  Best be getting on your way.” Says the always handsome and articulate Lee Christmas.

“What’s dat, Honkey?  Whooz gonna make us?  You, the Chinaman and your 3 grandpas?”  Says the clear leader.   (Lets call these guys ‘Harlem Hooligans #1-6)

“Aaaa.  Look here pal,” says Barney Ross, “We booked this here lot with the NYC Parks and Rec department 2 weeks ago.  Here is our permit, we don’t want any trouble.  You just have to scram.”

“Oooooh!  They gotz a permit boys!” HH#1 says mockingly to his pals.  He then grabs the permit from Sly and wipes his ass with it.  The two are now nose to nose when HH#1 continues.  “We got a permit too!”

Immediately the 6 thugs pull out their guns and begin to fire on the washed up actors.  The Horsemen now teleport in the match and have absolutely no idea what is going on.  Being a sworn defender of Gotham, Batman rushes into action to defend his fellow FFL competitors.  The rest of the Horsemen follow his lead without a second thought.  Hail Caesar has HH#3 in a headlock and breaks his neck just before a bullet hits him in the face.  The worst third baseman in Detroit Tigers history is met with a similar fate by a barrage of bullets from HH#4’s twin Glock 40’s.  Yin Yang and Gunner Jansen are locked in a fist fight with HH#5 and HH#6 after knocking their two guns away.  Gunner manages to get HH#6 down to the ground and smashes his face repeatedly into one of the basketball hoop poles until his nose is inside his brain.  HH#5 manages to get a hold of Yin Yang long enough for HH#1 to shoot both of them to death, having no regard for his own friend’s life.

Tygra avenges Inge by clawing the guts out of HH#4 and he bleeds out within seconds.  As he stands up, all he sees is the end of HH#2’s gun for a split second before he is shot dead.  HH#1 is now firing multiple shots at Batman but they just deflect of his armor.  One bullet ricochets and kills Gunner Jansen as he was running back in to join the fight.  Taskmaster picks up one of the fallen guns and mimicking the thugs, starts shooting randomly with the gun tilted sideways.  As anyone can imagine, this is not the most accurate way to shoot so not only does he kill HH#2 but he kills Lee Christmas as well.  HH#1 has now been wrestled to the ground by Batman but manages to get a fatal shot off into the chest of Taskmaster before Batman chokes the life out of him.

Batman stands up and after a few seconds of silence, Lion-O and Barney Ross (who both hid behind a dumpster) emerge onto the blood soaked court.

“What happened, Barney?” asks Batman as he approaches the other two.

“These guys were here when we showed up and when we asked them to leave, things… escalated slightly.”

“Yeah.  Slightly.” adds Lion-O.

“Well, what are we supposed to do for the match.  2 on 1 isn’t exactly a fair game.”  Barney says turning around to survey the scene again.  “I don’t see the ball anywhere either.”

“I got one.” Says Lion-O

As Barney turns around he sees the Sword of Omens swinging toward him.  His head is sheared clean off his neck and his limp body falls to ground.  Lion-O scoops Barney’s head and lobs a perfect half court hook shot into the chain link net.

Lion-O grins at Batman.  “We win!  One to nothing!”

Season 7, Week 1: Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

The Super Kitties are: Kid Flash, John Grayson, Mary Grayson, (Kingdom Come) Hawkman, (Kingdom Come) Robotman.

The Murderflies are: Squirrel Girl, Larry Reamer: Jedi Master, Mr. Immortal, Big Bertha, and Flatman. 

   Season 7 is upon us, and what better way to start such a limitless competition than a sportsball game? Tonight, the Super Kitties and Murderflies will be performing on the greatest court in the known universe, the court from Space Jam 2. Due to a confidentiality agreement with Warner Bros. I can't describe it to you, but I assure you it's a life-changing sight to behold. The match begins as Flatman wins the tip off, and Big Bertha takes control of the ball. The opposition has some trouble working around her girth as she runs the ball down the court, but as she goes for a shot her stubby limbs fail to bend in the necessary directions, and the ball flops out of her sausage-finger grip to be picked up by Kid Flash. The rapid bounces ring out as he speeds into a lay-up for the first basket of the game. Squirrel girl takes the ball and zips past the Fail- er, Flying Graysons before stopping outside the 3 point line. Hawkman stands ready to block her shot, but she tosses the ball between her legs and dribbles with her tail. She swats the ball in Larry's direction but a blur takes it mid-pass as Kid Flash steals another two points for the Super Kitties. Things are looking bad for the GLA, but they're pretty much used to it. Larry alone is starting to look a little pissed. He takes the ball and moves out for a quick three point shot. Despite being a close personal bro of Luke Skywalker, his Jedi accuracy is thrown off by his frustration and the shot bounces off the rim. Guess who catches the rebound? A crack is heard as Bart Allen springs high off the ground, he comes down toward the basket and... BOOMSHAKALAKA! He's on fire! The friction from his game-breaking speed had the unfortunate consequence of causing him to burst flames on his third consecutive basket. He panics and runs circles faster and faster before vaporizing entirely, and the quarter ends as WB staff puts out the fire on their expensive property.

Quarter 1 Score: Kitties 6, Murderflies 0

  The second quarter begins and the Murderflies may be having a turn of luck now that the Kitties' ringer of a point guard died in a hilarious dunking accident. Robotman begins with the ball and passes it out to Hawkman who goes for a less incendiary version of the flying dunk. Flatman stretches himself up between Hawkman's talons and steals the ball in midair before passing it down to Mr. Immortal. With Big Bertha acting as a guard wall, Immortal makes it to the basket for his team's first two points. John and Mary Grayson pass the ball between each other as the opposition splits between them. Mary changes it up and throws the ball to Robotman, who flows between Larry and Squirrel Girl to sneak a lay-up in. Squirrel Girl takes the ball out next but The Flippin' Graysons keep getting up in her face. John intercepts between SG and Flatman and passes to Hawkman. When Hawkman leaps, Flatman goes for the same trick as last time but Hawkman dive-bombs through him like paper and sends the ball through the hoop. The referee halts the game and gives Hawkman a flagrant 2 foul. Hawkman makes a compelling argument for his unaccountability, but the referee can't understand his bird-screeches and has security remove him from the premises along with Flatman's paper-limp corpse. The Kitties are given two free shots, and Jedi Master Larry sinks them both as the halftime break is called.

Quarter 2 Score: Kitties 8, Murderflies 4

   The halftime show began and it was something terrible with Will Smith's kids. I had to get away from that so I went to get a stadium dog with a little stadium mustard, until I realized I was still at WB Studios and would need to find something else to waste my time and money on. Long story short, I "met a man about a horse" and things got a little out of hand. I just hid the bodies and now I'm back in time for the end of the last quarter.

Quarter 3 Score: ???

   The teams are currently tied up 16-16. I'm not fully sure what happened in quarter three, but Mary Grayson is gone and Big Bertha is on the bench crying and shoveling down ice cream, soaked in blood. Squirrel Girl, Larry Reamer, and Mr. Immortal remain on the Murderflies' side, and the Kitties are left with John Grayson and Robotman. With 45 seconds left on the clock, Squirrel Girl begins to run the ball toward her goal until Robotman slides by and steals the ball. Squirrel Girl summons the help of WB's squirrels, but they're absorbed into Kingdom Come Robotman's liquid metal body. Unburdened by their drowned cartoon bods, he throws the ball from half court to the basket. John Grayson does a flying somersault over his opponents and slams the ball for a dramatic game winning alley-oop as the clock runs out. Now, I have to go before somebody notices all the blood I tracked in from halftime.

FINAL SCORE: Kitties 18, Murderflies 16

Season 7 Week 1: B3 vs. Commandos

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyotches are: Superior Spider-man, The Flash(Wally West), Triple H, The Rock, and REAL MAN.

President Barack Obama and Miley Cyrus' Touring Battalion of Commandos are: Heimdall, Worf, Azeem the Moor, President Barack Obama, and Raquel "Rocky" Oprah Blue.

With a 360 tomahawk dunk, Real Man wins the game for B3 in dominating fashion. "BOW BEFORE REAL MAN!!!" he yells before...

"ERIC!!! GET OUT OF BED!!!" shouts Real Mom. Eric wakes to find himself in his usual surroundings, namely the musty basement of Real Mom. "ERIC!!! YOUR BREAKFAST IS GETTING COLD!!!" she shouts from the top of the stairs. "SHUT UP MOM!!! I KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME ANYTHING!!! IT'S JUST A PLOY TO GET ME TO GO TO THE FFL MACTCH WITH THAT @SSHOLE NFG!!! REAL MAN WILL NOT BE DECEIVED!!!" he screams petulantly. "Come on Eric, I'm your ride and we need to get going. But I would be remiss if I didn't compliment you on your delicious eggs and bacon, Real Mom!" says NuFaGtu. A curious Eric slowly ascends the stairs. "EGGS? BACON? NO LIE?" asks Eric as he cautiously looks in the kitchen. Real Mom uses a FFL Brand Tazer on Eric's neck and down he goes. And by down, I mean falling backwards down the stairs. "Good job Real Mom, I'd do it myself, but that's technically Watcher interference." explains NuFaGtu. "I'll do anything to get him out of the house, he hasn't left since that Consolation round last year." admits Real Mom. "You poor thing. Just relax while I look after him for a few hours." offers NuFaGtu. "You're a saint." says Real Mom as Eric and NuFaGtu leave in a cloud of smoke.

B3 is walking the streets of New York in an attempt to find their basketball court. "Finally... The Rock.... has come BACK... to New York!" shouts The Rock for no particular reason. "Guys, I know New York, and we're heading in the wrong direction to get to Madison Square Garden. It's that way." advises HHH. "But that's not where we're going to play. I hoped to keep it a secret, but I guess the jig is up." says The Flash. "Where in the blue hell are we playing?" inquires The Rock. "Rucker Park!!! Isn't that awesome?" asks a giddy Wally West. "What in the blue hell is a Rucker Park?" questions The Rock. "It's only the world's most famous streetball park! Dude, legends are made there! Dr. J, Earl the Pearl, Kareem! All the greats! So much history..." beams The Flash. "We're the ones that are going to be history if we don't get there soon. Where is this place, you sub-human cretin!" demands Superior Spider-man. "Geez Spidey, when did you become such a jerk? We're almost there. it's just right up the street in Harlem." says The Flash.

B3 reaches their destination and sees Real Man handcuffed to a bench. He is eating pizza, no doubt supplied by the generous NuFaGtu in his eternal quest to get Eric to be quiet. He is watching the Commandos practice, and it is nothing short of amazing. Alley oops, behind the back no look passes, you name it. They play like they are the second coming of Michael Jordan, except for "Rocky" Blue, although she does have very sound fundamentals. Superior Spider-man breaks Real Man from his handcuffs and slaps the pizza from his hand. "Get up and stop embarrassing us, lest i thrash you, you sub-human cretin." says the Superior Spidey. Real Man stands incredulously. "REAL MAN WILL... MRPHPPPHHH!!!!" yells Eric as Spidey quickly webs his mouth shut.

B3 enters the court and Barack Obama greets them. "Glad you boys made it. Thought maybe you were getting a little intimidated by the location. Not exactly your part of town, if you get my drift." he grins. "No way, Mr. President. This place is legendary!" exclaims The Flash. The teams line up for the jump, but then B3 calls out an armed Worf. "What's the deal Barack? I thought that this was a friendly game." says HHH. "Worf, what are you doin?" laughs the President. "I'm confused, you said we were playing B-ball. I assumed that you meant Bat'Leth ball." says Worf brandishing his Klingon blade. "If he is allowed his weapon, I must also demand mine." adds Heimdall. "Guys, put away the weapons and let's ball!" commands Obama. Worf and Heimdall begrudgingly disarm and the game begins.

Heimdall wins the tip against The Rock, and gives a nice bounce pass to Obama. He lives up to his nickname "Obomber" and drains a nice mid-range jumper in Spidey's face. As a well-known trash-talker, Barack begins ripping into The Superior Spider-man instantly. "I love ya Spidey, but you're out of your league!' teases The President. The Superiorly short-tempered Spider-man immediately loses his cool. "I will give you all the thrashing of a lifetime, you sub-human cretins!!!" yells Otto...er...Pete. I don't see a jukebox anywhere, but I swear I heard a record scratch. The residents of Harlem do not take to kindly to Superior Spider-man's insult, and begin to storm the court in search of blood. "Oh boy, I think Spidey might have just unintentionally started a race riot! What do we do?" asks The Flash. He gets no answer. "...Guys?!?" Wally looks around to see that his teammates have deserted him. "Damn, I really wanted to play here..." says a dejected Flash before he speeds off into the distance.

"Well, unfortunately, I think that's a wrap. Did any of you see what happened to Eric?" NuFaGtu asks of The Commandos. Azeem the Moor turns to NuFaGtu with an explaination. "Good old Real Man. Eric crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of sh*t smelling foulness I can't even imagine. Or maybe because I don't want to." says Red, er Morgan Freeman, er Azeem. "Dammit Eric... At least he'll probably smell better than usual." rationalizes NuFaGtu as he begins his search for Real Man.

Midgets vs Slaves

The Sisterhood of Traveling Midgets are: Air Zimmell, Superboy (Clark Kent version), Dean Cain, Longshot, and Anthony "Tony" Dinozzo

George Washington's Slaves are: Runner, Wally Trollman (aka. Wallykazam!), Air Bud, AC Slater (with Iron Man suit and Laser gun), and Scorpion (with Heat axe and Red Lightsaber)


"Hello folks, I'm ESPN 8 correspondent Teri Hatcher, and we're coming to you LIVE at the Slaves psotgame press conference where we hope to hear from Wallace "Wallykazam!" Trollman. We're looking forward to getting his thoughts on this week's game where, for those who missed it, the Slaves came up victorious over the Midgets with a final score of 108-74, and there's no argument that Wallykazam was the main factor in this victory. "

"Wally's at the podium, so let's kick it over to him"

"Hi everybody! I'm Wally, Wallykazam! Boy, we sure had a fine time today teaching the Midgets all about the  "ruh" sound today! Like when we started off by teaching Mr Kent all about Red Radiation, which doesn't make him feel so good. Mr Longshot sure was having a good game, until his mutant gene went into Remission, and he stopped playing so well. The Rim Rejecting any shots from the other team was something else that really helped us with the victory, along with the basketball Running away from any of them."

"Mr Kazaam, what about Air Zimmel. Any comments on him, and what was clearly a foul that should have had you ejected from the game?"

"Mr Zimmel is a fantastic player, and I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Is it my fault that his Achille's heel Ruptured when he Ran into my friend Scorpion? The Referee's didn't think so. In fact, the Ref's Reversed their initial Reaction of  calling that a foul."

"Wally, Wally! Going into the second half, the Midgets were actually leading 58-46. What happened during halftime to spur you guys on to such a decisive victory?"

"Well, in the lockerroom we were able to Re-energize ourselves and talked about how we could Reduce the Midgets lead. I saw I had to get Ruthless and Relentless to Reap the points we needed to win. In the end the Slaves were able to Really gel as a team and Rally our way to victory."

"Wally. Wally!"

"There will be no more time for questions. Thanks everybody! Have a magical day!"


"We now take you to the Midgets presser where  Dean Cain has taken the stand"

"Mr Cain. What are your thoughts on the game?"

"... Ridiculous."

*Dean Cain storms off, flipping off the Reporters as he leaves.*

TEAM Vs. The Royal Highness

TEAM is (Red Son) Superman, Lando Calrissean, Black Lantern Pete Sosa, Steve Wiebe, and Andrew Laidlaw.

The Royal Highness is The Fantastic Four: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, The Human Torch, and The Thing, and Blade.


Aww man, Pogo here, back to work after a long off-season. I gotta get to it in about an hour here. I’m just gonna set the ol’ alarm on my phone and rest my eyes while I lay on this here couch in the Watcher’s Lounge. And maybe just doze off for a couple of min…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..[BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP]…………… Ah, crap I guess I should get to it now that it is 10:00; and….. !!CRAP!! Does that say PM? It does say PM, I just slept through my first match of the season. Dammit!! Those guys are gonna be pissed. I mean, the match has got to be over by now………. Oh well……. I guess there is nothing else to do now but flip on the T.V. I bet Sports Center is on, oh yeah here it is…………….


DA-DA-DUH….. DA-DA-DUH….


Oh, Sweet!! Maybe if I just read the ticker at the bottom I can get enough info to find out who won this piece of crap. Hmm: Women’s Basketball, Soccer, PGA, oh okay, here we go FFL Junk. Jeez, do they really need to record all of these stats?? Just show me the final score already so I can send the results over to that A-Hole Joshatu. Oh, that’s weird; Steve Wiebe, Andrew Laidlaw, and The Thing all died during the game. You don’t see that everyday. And Superman and Blade were both ejected, well it is safe to assume that they did some of the killing, or maybe The Thing did some of it, well he must of because that highlight of Superman breaking Thing into four pieces says that it was retaliation for the death of “The King of Galaga”. It looks like The Russian version of Kal El playing at power forward was the best single player in the game, at least offensively with 42 points, 11 rebounds, 2 assists, 10 blocks, 7 steals, 6 fouls, and 2 technical fouls. Human Torch and Invisible Woman were the weak links in the Fantastic Four; but it looks like Mr. Fantastic and The Thing more than made up for it. Invisible Woman got 2 points, 0 rebounds, 3 blocks, and 0 assists, but she did make herself useful with 13 steals no fouls for her either. Human Torch got 13 points, 5 boards, 7 blocks (but was called for goal-tending 3 times), 2 steals, and 6 assists. 3 fouls for Jonny, 2 of them flagrant for catching people on fire. Mr. Fantastic led the game with rebounds, getting 21 by himself. He added to that fantastic number with a triple double including 26 points, 7 steals, 10 assists, and 12 blocks. Reed was a good sport with only 1 foul on the night. The Thing was the point leader for The Highness with 29 (25 in the paint), as well as 11 boards, 6 assists, no blocks or steals. 5 fouls, 1 technical. Reed played Center, his wife at point guard and her brother with her in the back court as shooting guard. The Thing naturally was at power forward. The Black Lantern version of Pete Sosa was the best basketball mind on the court and led the TEAM at point guard, with Lando helping him out in the back court. Pete’s black lantern powers helped him regain his dunking ability from his high school and college days. Pete threw down 22 points, 4 rebounds, 2 steals, 16 assists, and 3 blocks. Lando shot 4 for 7 from behind the 3 point line and finished with 16 points, 1 rebound, 1 steal, no blocks or fouls (what a gentleman) and 7 assists. Steve Wiebe helped out with 2 three pointers and 9 points total. He also got 2 boards, 8 assists, a steal, 2 fouls, but no blocks. Laidlaw got 3 points as well (all from the free throw line). No steals or blocks, but he did get 1 rebound and 7 assists. 4 fouls from the tall small forward as well. To wrap up the Highness’ squad Blade showed off his perimeter game with 21 points. Also 5 boards, 11 assists, 3 steals, a block, 5 fouls and 2 technical fouls.

Damn, I’m thirsty. I’m gonna run to the fridge for a cold one………

Alright now where were we?? Okay and the final score was….. Ahh crap tennis highlights. I must have missed it.

I’m gonna have to watch the whole ticker again aren’t I….. CRAP!!!!

Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers…. err Mitchell’s High Maintenance… I mean Mitchy’s Luminous Tentacle Warriors are Fezzik, Tigger, Betlejuice, Lucario, and Cowboy Curtis.

Team Sleeping Pussy is Hanover Fiste, Savage Dragon, Capt. Guts, Giant Man, and Den.


Welcome to Season 7 everybody and to the Staples Center, home to everybody’s favorite pro-basketball team The Los Angeles Clippers!! We have a packed crowd for tonight’s festivities, and by packed crowd I of course mean that there are nine people here other than Billy Crystal, who pretty much just lives here while he is hiding from The Academy Awards Committee and all the would be producers of City Slickers 3.

Let’s get down to the action…

Giant Man wins the jump ball against Fezzik and Capt. Guts gets passed the ball from Den to begin the game. It looks like this is going to be a low scoring match up today, because neither of these teams seem to have a perimeter game or any dribbling abilities, except of course for Cowboy Curtis who, do to the high levels of melanin in his skin was born with natural talent for the game of basketball (it’s science). He makes the only shot from the perimeter in the first quarter. Everything else is either a slam dunk from the extra bouncy Tigger or lay-ups from Savage Dragon and Giant Man.

Score at the end of The First Quarter: Tentacle Warriors 12 Sleeping Pussies 8

Team Sleeping Pussy is getting into foul trouble early as Giant Man keeps growing a little bit larger in each play, which isn’t really a foul; but the refs don’t really know what else to do about it. Capt. Guts is doing his best to keep his team under control; but the fouls are really getting out of hand. Especially since Hanover Fiste just received a Flagrant 2 as well as a technical when he just killed Lucario… Yes, Lucario is dead… In a basketball game. Lucky for The Team SP crew, The Luminous Tentacle Warriors are only shooting 48% from the line.

Score at the end of the half: Tentacle Warriors 33 Sleeping Pussies 24

Halftime Show: The Flaming Lips play a medley of all their hit songs. I.e. they just play “Tangerines”, then everybody forgets about them for another 15 years.

As the third quarter begins, the rough fouls continue. Hanover Fiste and Den both foul out of the game about halfway through the quarter, but they do manage to put some points on the board as well. Team SP’s points in the paint more than double that of The Tentacles, with their only real threat being Fezzik, although the giant does have 14 rebounds and 11 points. Tigger puts on quite a clinic in this quarter as well by scoring 15 just in the third. Cowboy Curtis did get a technical foul though when he pulled out his six shooter and shot Hanover Fiste in the face after he was ejected for getting his 6th foul.

Score at the end of the third quarter: Tentacle Warriors 62 Sleeping Pussies 57

More of the same ensues as this game comes to a close. Giant Man and Savage Dragon both foul out of the game leaving Capt. Guts to play out the last few minutes of the 4th quarter by himself (he actually didn’t do too bad, with only holding the The Tentacle Warriors to 8 points in those 2 minutes and 14 seconds). Although it was only against three of them after Beetlejuice was killed by the small mob of people watching the game, led by Billy Crystal who had hit the edge of sanity and insanity not just because he is the most annoying character ever created, but also because his basketball skills are just that atrocious. Tigger adds insult to injury by wrapping up the game with one more monster dunk, bringing his point total up to 42 for the night.

Final Score: Tentacle Warriors 87 Sleeping Pussies 70