In the locker room of The Turrible Decisions...

Vader: DON’T SAY IT.

Kister: But Ann…..

Vader: I mean it Kister, I don’t want to hear it. You wouldn’t be the first kid I’ve murdered. Just keep it to yourself.

Kister: But…. But….. THIS IS Soooooooooooooo WIZARD Annie!!!! I mean, we are in The Conference Finals!! And I got the start with my YOU!! The guy who is still my best friend, no matter how old and evil you get!! And I even have a Yoshi to ride on!! I mean, it is just Sooooooooooooo WIZARD!!

Vader: Come ON Kister, once was enough. You’re pushing it.

Batman: Hey Lord Vader, grab your side kick and his egg, we need to get moving.

Vader: He’s NOT my sidekick.

Kister: In The Universe Bowl and now I’m Darth Vader’s sidekick. Now that is WIZARD!!

In the locker room of The Super Kitties

A meeting of minds is taking place before the biggest match that The Super-Kitties have ever been a part of is well underway……

Yoda’s reanimated spirit is with Gen. Ross, Wonder Woman, and Guy Gardner discussing not only what may be going on with their competitors, but more so what is going on with their own team.

“Well, I’ve seen a lot in my career, including what has gone down in this last season; but I’m not sure what that thing is doing”?? Says Gen. Ross.

“Seen nothing like this, I ever have”. Says Yoda.

“It seems as though Primus is preparing for our glorious battle early. A conjuring of cosmic energy seems to be taking place”. Adds Wonder Woman.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed the benefits of having a planet-sized robot on our team; but in the past it’s been near impossible to even get Primus to transform before the battle starts; and now he’s doing the whole massive robot turn before the match even starts. I mean, I’m not normally known for my optimism, but that seems like a sign that we are going to make for one “turrible” day for The Barkley Boys”!! Says Gardner with some vigor.

“Thunderbolt” Ross jumps back in with: “Let’s hope that’s what that monstrosity is doing. We are going to need his help that’s for sure. We’re going up against a former Universe Bowl Winner, and they are not to be taken lightly”.

“Universe Bowl team that reinvigorated has been”. Retorts Yoda.

Wonder Woman realizes that they must cut this conversation short to rejoin the rest of the squad and leave for The Play-Off Planet when she adds: “I’m sure that no matter what happens, we are going to have one heck of a fight in front of us. What does the force tell you Master Yoda”??

Yoda clinches his eyes together for a moment and replies: “I cannot see. Too many variables remain. And even with the aid of this white ring….. The future is all dark…


TO BE CONTINUED….

Season 7 Consolation Round 2 - World War Bex!

Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyotches is: Scarlet Spider (Felicity Hardy)

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is: Wizard Nick Houslander, Hamburglar, Treasure Troll #9, Jar Jar Binks.

Felicity Hardy is using her web to swing from the girders supporting the elevator level. Wizard Nick Houslander takes his best shots at the swinging spider but his weak knowledge of magic is probably why his ass ended up in Hufflepuff.

“Obscuro!” Nick yells as he targets Felicity. The spell deflects off the descending elevator and hits Jar Jar who now has a blindfold over his eyes. This causes him to trip and crush the Treasure Troll as he falls to the ground. Jar Jar takes the blindfold off just in time to see the elevator take his head off.

“Well that sucked.” Nick says with disappointment.

“Rabble rabble!” says the Hamburglar excitedly as he heads up the nearest ladder to try and challenge the Scarlet Spider.

“Stop!” Nick yells. He can see that the Hamburglar’s timing is slightly off. The Hamburglar does not heed his warning and is met with a fireball to the face, sending his charred remains falling at Nick’s feet.

Never one to pass up a free double chee, Nick pops a squat on the ground and begins to devour his teammate. The Scarlet Spider softly lowers herself behind Nick and snaps his neck.

Consolation Round 2: The Empire Vs. George Washington's Slaves

The Empire is: Decepticon Decoy #1, Watchdog #4 and #5.

George Washington's Slaves are: Zorak.

"How high can you get?"

He thinks back to a time before the senseless violence. A time before the endless fighting. Back when a single quarter was the difference between champ and chump. When a man could take pride in three simple initials a top an electronic scoreboard. He ran that arcade, and his name was DOG. Maybe you can go home again...

"Hey Watchbro #4! Snap out of it!" yells Watchdog #5. The Empire's Watchdogs and Decepticon Decoy #1 observe The Slaves' Zorak getting to the top of the Donkey Kong level effortlessly using his natural leaping ability. The mantis remains standing on the top platform, waiting for The Empire to make their move.

Watchdog #4 takes leadership of the trio. "Just follow my lead. I know this game like the back of my hand. Once we get to the top of the level, we'll make short work of that bug with Decepticon #1 helping us." plans Watchdog #4. "Decepticon?" asks Decepticon Decoy #1. "Am I a Decepticon used to draw fire, or am I an Autobot used to decoy Decepticons? 011001110010... ERROR... EXISTENTIAL CRISIS DOES NOT COMPUTE..." states Decepticon Decoy #1 as it's logic circuit fries. The robot's lifeless husk falls to it's doom. Watchdog #4 shakes his head disapprovingly, having fogotten the sheer stupidity that is bound to occur in a consolation match. "So It's down to The Watchdogs? No problemo amigo!" encourages the younger Watchdog #5. "I know it's old as hell, but even I can see that this primitive setting is a video game. That means we have at least a full health bar and unlimited continues! See you at the finish line!" says Watchdog #5. "No!!! Stop you fool!!!" warns Watchdog #4, but it is too late. Watchdog #5 makes the jump to the elevator, but is burned to a crisp in one hit by the fire creature that roams aimlessly on the second girder structure.

Watchdog #4 shakes off the predictable death of his uninitiated teammate, and focuses his mind, just like he did all those years ago. "I still run this." Watchdog #4 says to himself. He waits for the flaming being to randomly descend the staircase, then the seasoned veteran makes his move. DOG jumps from the starting point to the first elevator, then to the second steel girder structure. He doesn't stop and goes for he second levitating platform, then completes the super secret pimp jump to a certain piece of steel. Because of this, he avoids this level's limitless onslaught of deadly jumping jaacks. At least until DOG gets to the last obstacle of the old school video game. The second to last platform features an unending series of jack after jack, blocking his path to the final ladder. The old pro remembers the pattern, and ascends the ladder to the top platform with perfect timing to avoid a cheap death. Watchdog #4 allows himself a slight bit of satisfaction as he smiles. "DOG still runs this. Maybe you can go home aga..."

Zorak zaps aWatchdog #4 with his alien ray gun as soon as he climbs the last ladder. "I am the lone locust of the apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky." mocks Zorak.

Consolation Round 2: Team Sleeping Pussy vs Real Man's Rabblerousers

Team Sleeping Pussy is Elektra.

Real Man’s Rabblerousers are Ernesto Stavro Blofeld and Evil-Lyn.

Elektra slowly makes her way into the darkened battle area, which is littered with shards of smashed whiskey barrels. A bolt of purple lighting strikes the floor before her. She leaps backwards and sees Evil-Lyn perched up on top of one of the elevators. Even higher, still, sits Ernesto Stavro Blofeld, petting his white Turkish Angora cat. The Greek ninja assassin who has a name that sounds more like a special at Del Taco races up a ladder, flipping her way higher and higher up to her opponents.

“HAHAHAHA” cackles Evil-Lyn. “Look at the… wait, where did she….. hurrrk”

Elektra sneaks up behind Evil-Lyn and drives one of her sais deep into the witch’s back. She then pulls the blade out and kicks her off of the platform, sending Evil-Lyn plummeting to the ground.

Blofeld pulls his gun out and fires several shots at Elektra, however they are all in vain. The agile ninja dodges them with great ease. She launches a sai right at the leader of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.  It hits the cat instead, which topples off of the platform. Elektra leaps into the air and lands a vicious kick to the jaw of the bald criminal mastermind. She wastes no time and heaves him off the platform, just like Donkey Kong would have a barrel.

Consolation Round 2 Mitchy vs Griswold

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: (Age of Apocalypse) Blob, I.C.P.-Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, and Storm Trooper #4

 Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors are: Bonzo the Ape Archer


Bonzo climbs the various elevators, ready for action. He knows he has this in the bag, as he's in Donkey Kong Country,  a place traditionally very ape friendly. Plus he'd already taken out the Nut-Busters Storm Trooper. The rest of this match should be a snap.

All of a sudden, and elevator comes rocketing down and crushes Bonzo flat.

"And that's how my personal gravity field works." explains The Blob to ICP.

"Damn, son. That s**t's cool, Almost like a miracle" exclaims Violent J.

"Word." adds Shaggy 2 Dope.

Season 7 Consolation Round 2 - TEAM vs Murderflies

Team is: Dixie Kong, Billy Mitchell, Steve Sanders, Steve Wiebe.

Murderflies are: Big Bertha (Great Lakes Avengers), Dorf, Energizer Bunny.

“Fizzatu here! Welcome everyone to the old Livonia Mall arcade for the next Kong-off challenge!  We seem to be missing some competitors however.  Dorf, where is the rest of your team?” I ask whilst sporting an old foot locker uniform.

“Well, Big Bertha is down in the food court. And the Energizer Bunny is behind the Bust-a-Move machine Busting-a-Nut into Dixie Kong.” Dorf says.

Sure enough, I peek back there and the Bunny is going to town on the young chimp who he has bent over his drum. She appears to be unconscious now as he keeps hitting her in the sides of the head with his drumsticks. He keeps going… and going… and going.  This is borderline criminal.  We will check in on them later and just rule them out of the competition.

I give Steve, Steve, Billy and Dorf the rules. Whoever scores the most points on the first elevator level will be declared the winner for his team. Each person is handed a quarter and the match begins.

Dorf struggles to see the screen and quickly loses two lives before making it up a ladder on the first stage.  The 2 Steves easily rush through the first two stages and start the elevator level.  Billy just sits there and pockets his quarter.  After they finish the level it is determined that Wiebe beat Sanders by 400 points.  Dorf did not get to stage 3 so he has been eliminated from the competition.  

Billy then hands me a VHS tape that he claims has a higher score than Wiebe.

“We will not accept recorded entries for this competition.” I inform him.

This nation’s greatest patriot is now filled with rage.  He reaches into a cardboard box that he brought with him and pulls out two bottles of the world famous Ricky’s Hot Sauce.  He smashes them on both sides of Sanders head and then jams the shards into his throat letting him bleed out slumped over a Simpsons pinball machine.

Wiebe runs for the door and catches a bottle in the back of his head.  Dorf runs on his knees but Billy quickly snaps his neck on his way to charge at the remaining Steve.  Billy easily runs down the school teacher and using his american flag necktie, strangulates his teammate to death.

Slightly out of breath, Billy returns to the arcade to get his remaining bottles of hot sauce. He finds that one of the bottles has leaked through the box and the high levels of gasoline in his shitty hot sauce causes the box to explode in his hands sending shrapnels of glass in all directions, including into his heart. His long greasy hair is instantly engulfed and fuels the fire even more.

The paramedics have arrived and much to my surprise have bypassed the arcade and are headed straight for the food court.  I stop one of them on their way and they inform me that some fat lady tried to eat all the food down there and had a heart attack.  (Don’t worry everyone, It was just Big Bertha. Anonymous’s mommy is ok.)

Just two combatants remain. I peek behind the arcade machine to check in on the love birds. The lifeless eyes of Dixie Kong, still damp with tears, stare back at me.  Her assailant keeps going… and going… and going...