Match of the Week: The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. TEAM

Caution: What you are about to begin reading is over 13 pages long.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Hanibal Lectur, Vandal Savage, Darkseid, Supergirl, Superboy Prime, Sinestro, Amon Sur, Chemo, Monarch, The Joker, Harley Quinn, Parasite, Deathstroke, Swamp Thing, Luke Skywalker Grand Jedi Master & R6-o3 in an X-Wing, Plo Koon, Pinhead, Cloud Stryfe on the Batcycle, Vincent Valentine on a 4-Wheeler, Hades, Medusa, Dementor #11-16, Achilles, The Witch King of Angmar on his Fell Beast, The Balrog of Moria, Lion-O, Tommy Oliver, The Silverhawks, Lucius Malfoy, Beatrix Lastrange, Jason Voorhies, Polaris, Havoc, Cable, Madelyne Pryor, Phoenix, Emma Frost, Juggernaut, Archangel, Sabertooth, Jamie Madrox, Elixir, Gideon, Serci, Taskmaster, Exitar the Exterminator, The One Above All, The Sentry, Daken, Venom II, Iron Patriot, Starscream, Sunstorm, Ramjet, Six Shot, Tripticon, The Stunticons, Slag, Sludge, Snarl, Springer, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Prowl, Circuit Breaker, Roadbuster, Josh Houslander in a Ferrari 360 Modena, Larry Reamer, & Chris & Julie Artrip in a Tank.

TEAM is Superman, Streaks, Comet, Unicron, Thor, Thunderstrike, Ragnarok, Galvatron, Cronos, Treebeard, Depa Billaba w/ Jedi Padawan #16, Yareal Poof, He-Man, Battle Cat, Underdog, The Shining Force, Original Titan #1 & 2, Neo Cymek #1-18, Gannon, Bowser: King of Koopa, Set, Godzilla, Zilla, Voltron, Luke Skywalker & Gen Maximus Decimus Meridius in an AT-ST, Bloodwind, Krang, Willow, Sepiroth, Kefka, Blaster w/ Rewind, Eject, Steeljaw, Ramhorn, Raindance, & Grandslam, Iron Hide, (movie) Iron Hide, Ultra Magnus, Hot Rod, Fortress Maximus, Swoop, Warpath, The Combaticons, Blitz Wing, Astro Train, Leader 1, Dirge, Skywarp, Thrust, Nightmare, Baby Wolverine, Hector, Nyobi on a 4-Wheeler, Griffin Poteracki, Ryan Poteracki, & John Wayne in a Tank, Bruce Lee, Mr. Myagi, Mitsurgi, Seraph, Lord Katsumoto, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Jake Rockwell, & John Thunder


When asked about the weight of this rivalry match Horsemen Head Coach Hanibal Lectur denied the opportunity to comment but former Interim Head Coach, resident of the team’s namesake, and unofficial team leader Darkseid had plenty to say: “I am actually done with his rivalry” began Darkseid. “I have little or no use for it anymore other than to prove our superiority and move on. TEAM’s time is done. They got lucky with their drafting in Season 1 and managed to win it all, but I assure you their time at the helm of this league has come and gone. The reign of The Horsemen has already begun and we have no use for team rivalries with lesser beings. If this rivalry is anything worth noting at all, than it is perhaps the mark; of when are march to the championship officially begins”. In a similar show of confidence, after comment was declined by Superman, Thor had this to say: “this team managed to win the championship last year without me, and now with myself and 2 more TEAMmembers capable of wielding Asgardian power gifted from my father joining them, I see not believing that we are the best TEAM in the league as a simple impossibility. I look forward to an easy victory here and elsewhere”. After these comments Thor was asked how he was getting along with his TEAMmate and last year’s Play-off MVP Superman to which he responded: “Oh Superman, we get along great, I look forward to him being given sidekick status by the league to myself and my Thor Corps brethren, we here at TEAM just like the other teams need lesser, helper characters so the stars can get the job done easier, and I believe that Superman fills that role nicely”. As Unicron slowly approaches the planet, the amazing bulk of metal recalls being told of his own destruction last time he faced this team and also realizes that despite the fact that he has already begun the process of breaking thru the atmosphere so he can do battle down below that chances are The Horsemen will have someone capable of traveling into space come up to fight him before he gets the chance. This suits Unicron just fine because he has learned the hard way in this league that despite his incalculable powers he is not immortal, so if he is to face someone of equal powers he would just assume do it in space where he is most comfortable. With that thought Unicron stops his descent onto the planet and waits with a patience that only a transformable planet can possess for an opponent of equal power to challenge him. Back on the battlefield, it is evident to me as a watcher than I am witnessing possibly the only teams in this league, that’s ranks seem untouched by the immensely large scale of this week’s festivities. As if it is a normal week with normal teams, both of these competitors amazingly enough still have great characters sitting on their bench that many teams throughout the FFL would play in a heartbeat in a week half the size of this one. But not these two: There depth is at such a level that there ranks are simply unhindered by a match such as this one. As the stand-off ends and the battle begins, one needs no prior experience in witnessing epic matches to sense the pumping adrenaline and down right hatred felt between these teams. The battle for the little brown laser is more than a rivalry match, more than just another stat in the win column or a potential divisional victory it is the reason for these team’s existence, and despite what comments may be heard from either side this rivalry is alive and well in the hearts and minds of both these teams. The Horsemen wait patiently for their orders when Head Coach Hanibal Lectur simply looks back to his men and states with uncharacteristic zeal “Well, …….GO”! On a battlefield that provides no cover the two teams truly have no other choice but to simply attack one another head on and throw caution to the wind. To The One Above All there are no hard or easy questions, not are there difficult or obvious conclusions. Yet for the rest of us, it could be said that it is obvious what member of TEAM the 2 Celestials will feel the need to approach first. Anxious to do what it was he was created for, Exitar flicks Warpath in the forehead on his way up to the cosmos which instantly kills the Autobot, but even the Celestial Hit man himself knows that his battle with Unicron will be much more difficult. The rest of TEAM’s Autobots prepare for battle, with Fortress Maximus forming into his massive robot form and Blaster ejecting Rewind, Eject, Steeljaw, Ramhorn, Raindance, & Grandslam. They are joined by the Combaticons who waste no time in merging to form Bruticus. Blue Grass begins flying in toward the massing battalion of Transformers in Miraj, but strangely enough The 4 Silverhawks, whom are usually ejected from the ship are already outside of it flanking the ships approach, as if to protect the ship that by design does not do much more than protect them before they are ready to do battle. The Transformers take a step back, knowing that if the Horsemen are the Horsemen (and they are) that Coach Lectur has some sort of trick up his straight-jacketed sleeves. Although the trick is not so much a trick as it is simply The Horsemen way. The Horsemen motto is that every member has his/her place, so it is simply proper that The Silverhawks would be forced to give up their coveted seats in Miraj and be delegated to the job of protecting the more important people inside. From the inside of Maraj, lying on her stomach in a semi-protected and semi-comfortable position, Polaris concentrates with all of her will power. From inside the approaching ship she uses her mind and her mutant ability to pick up Bruticus and launch him as if The Gestalt was her personal projectile into the stomach of Fortress Maximus. Once the 2 gigantic Transformers are pounded together she contorts the 2 of them into a giant (but not that giant considering how big they were) cube of lifeless metal. Ultra Magnus is nothing short of astounded at this amazing show of power which is why he orders all of The Transformers to immediately begin firing all of their weaponry at Miraj. The ship begins to take heavy damage which is why Bluegrass ejects the 4 people he was protecting from inside giving them an annoying and long-winded Southern send-off when he could have just as easily said something along the lines of “Be careful” or “Take evasive action”. Before Miraj with Bluegrass inside is destroyed, he safely ejects Polaris, Circuit Breaker, Phoenix, and Tommy Oliver. Phoenix quickly sees that Polaris is so exhausted that she cannot use her powers to control their friends safely down to the battlefield below so she uses her telepathy to bring the Green Ranger down safe and to send Circuit Breaker head first into the Transformers just as they were ordered by Darkseid and Lectur. Circuit Breaker lands on Ultra Magnus and instantly disrupts his systems but before she can do any more damage Blitzwing and Astrotrain open fire on the Autobot and the digital parasite to make sure that she can in no way inflict that same fate on them. Polaris is trying to regroup in mid-air but without the comfort of Miraj she is having difficulty. The 2 Iron Hides, who are scared to death of the X-Men’s potential concentrate all of their fire power on her and target her out of the air before she can do any more damage. Although the plan was not for the inhabitant of Miraj to be ejected for quite a while, the damage they inflicted was quite severe, so The Horsemen continue with the plan as best they can. Phoenix flies off to fight elsewhere, while The Silverhawks continue their attack on The Transformers below. Tommy Oliver, already in his Green Power Ranger Suit pulls out his cell phone to call up the guys that made Willem Defoe’s costume in Spider Man so he can sue them….. No I’m just kidding, he actually pulls out his emerald encrusted dagger/flute and summons the Dragon Zord. As the Silverhawks continue their descent onto the battlefield The Horsemen’s Dinobots & Autobots roll in to lend a hand while TEAM’s Cymeks show up to do the same for there TEAMmates. A huge battle of clashing steel ensues while in the meantime Vincent Valentine and Nyobi seem to be frolicking about on their 4-Wheelers in a playful manner. It looks like that anyway as they both zip around one another but actually they are doing there best to try and kill each other. Nyobi cannot seem to hit the Ex-Turk with her Glock but Vince is having just as much difficulty hitting Nyobi with Cerberus. Valentine crashes his 4 Wheeler into the side of Nyobis which sends them both flying off of them and onto the ground. Nyobi kicks Cerberus out of Valentine’s hand and then blasts him with her pistol but it does not have as much of an effect on him as she had thought it would. She is not able to take out Valentine until she hits him with another series of kicks to send him to the ground which she follows up by unloading and entire clip of bullets into his mouth. Kefka stands behind Sepiroth with a blast of magic at the ready while Cloud Stryfe comes rolling up fast on The Bat cycle. Sepiroth jumps to the side to avoid the attack but before Kefka can attack Stryfe, Cloud pulls out his sword and slices up Kefka. When Stryfe turns back around to make another run at Sepiroth, but Sepiroth pulls out Masamune and with the 7 foot long blade is able to defeat Cloud from off the top of Batman’s motorcycle, and fatally wound him in the process. While Griffin drives TEAM’s tank Ryan is pestering the hell out of John Wayne for an autograph. “Come on our Dad would be thrilled, if you could just hook us up we would really appreciate it”. “Well alright pardner, just cause I’ve fought alongside your brother before, and he has done a lot for this TEAM. Not that it isn’t nice to meet you to, I think it’s real great and all that you 2 and your other brother all get to be on a team together”. John Wayne says, but he is cut short as Griffin yells “Alright ladies, that’s enough we got company”. A confused Griffin sees Harley Quinn standing in front of the tank waving a white flag. The battle hardened Griffin Poteracki does not flinch for a second at this ploy and orders his brother Ryan to use the Tank’s guns to blow her away. “You killed my pet”! The joker screams as he plants the explosive on the side of the tank that he had already climbed onto the side of. John Wayne pops out of the top of the tank and takes a shot at the clown prince of crime but the Joker gets away. John, Ryan, & Griffin act quickly as they actually all escape from the Tank before the Joker’s bomb blows it up. The 3 of them get away from the tank but they are disheveled and bruised as they stumble out searching for the Joker and awaiting his next calculated attack. While Treebeard and Swamp Thing duke it out in a battle that would bring tears of joy to the eyes of Al Gore, Cronos who like the Joker is making his first FFL appearance despite being drafted in Season 1 takes Chemo up to Mt. Olympus and eats him in a feast that takes place over a thousand years; this feast, which is fit for only The King of the gods destroys Cronos as well but it is a fit of self-indulgence that he is happy to undertake. Despite the lengthy amount of time that this takes up this feast does not interfere with the timing of the match because this happened 1 million years before The Fantasy Fantasy League was created????? The Dragon Zord makes its appearance while the 5 Lions form Voltron to do battle with one another in a vain attempt to unify multi-generational anime dorks from around the globe. The 2 massive metal creations combat one another with their similarly awkward looking fighting styles. The Dragon Zord attempts to blast Voltron with its mighty flying Z, but Voltron backs off and then comes back in with his massive sword to cut The Dragon Zord down the middle and finish him off. Voltron stands by for a second victorious over his opponent when the 5 pilots of the mighty Voltron are all of the sudden taken back by the sheer magnitude of the situation. The five of them cannot express the depression that they feel because, like all muggles they cannot see the Dementors that are sucking away their souls. As the Dementors accomplish this goal the lifeless Voltron simply falls to the ground, barely scathed but at this point, completely useless. Mr. Myagi tries to attack Medusa but is turned to stone. Set is drawn to the power of Medusa and her serpent hair and is unaffected by her Gorgon powers as he inhales her with a single gulp taking in not only her body but her powers as well. Josh pulls up to Nyobi, rolls down the window and says “What’s up girl, how you feelin. You want to take a ride in my Ferrari”? Josh then amazingly enough actually seems surprised when she ignores him despite the fact that he tried this same line earlier on the members of his own team: Polaris, Madelyne Pryor, Phoenix, Emma Frost, Supergirl, & Serci and it resulted in the exact same amount of failure. While Josh isn’t looking Ryan jumps into the passenger seat and Josh drives off. The 2 of them then begin talking about comic books, Star Wars, some obscure 80’s cartoons, their truly “epic” days on the roof together, some of their failed projects (I admit it, they weren’t all as immensely successful as Fantasy Fantasy), classic VGC moments, what the best Blue Eyed Soul song was, who would win in a fight between Capt. Power and the kid from “My Secret Identity” and most importantly, how much cooler they are than everybody else when it comes to their attention that they are on opposing teams and that they are supposed to be fighting each other. Josh then puts his finger over the shifter and says “dude, I don’t want to do it, so don’t make me hit your ejection seat”. Ryan then jumps out of the seat which prompts Josh to say to himself “Hah, Ryan totally thinks that Ferrari’s have ejection seats but then Josh crashes the Ferrari the Balrog of Moria’s leg Shia lebuef style which sends him thru the windshield and to his death. The Silverhawks manage to take out Swoop but Hot Rod and The Iron Hides take them and their weapon birds out. Once The Dementors are done with the souls of The Voltron geeks they begin searching for other prey, but Gannon uses his magic to make them visible to all. Once accomplished Bowser and Bloodwind are able to take out 2 each while Gannon uses his superior magic to do the same. Griffin attempts to regroup John Wayne and the dizzied Ryan but they are no match for Achilles as he comes plowing thru them in a blaze of swordsmanship. Luke Skywalker (the young one) drives the AT-ST while Gen. Maximus surveys the land from inside. If you could find a problem with both TEAM and The Horsemen is that they both have great generals, but neither of them have any soldiers. So even though Gen. Maximus is in a great position of power in his AT-ST with a perfect guy to drive it for him, I am not sure who he thinks he is going to be giving orders to. From inside The AT-ST Luke begins to target Jamie Madrox clones as if they were wamprats, but the clones just seem to keep on coming. Juggernaut then runs right thru the 2 legs of the walker and knocks it over. Luke pops the hatch and with a little help from the force gets Maximus out just in time for the 2 of them to leap to safety. Steeljaw and Ramhorn hit the sides of Julie and Chris’s tank to slow it down while Rewind and Eject bust up the gun on top, which prompts both Julie and Chris to pop out wielding a Beretta and a Smith and Wesson revolver. The 2 of them begin firing on the Transformers around them but they find that they just don’t have the fie power to compete with Blaster and Slamdance. Larry Reamer tries to shoot the little brown laser at Jet Li and Jackie Chan but Jet Li blocks it with the side of his Walther PPK (he can do that). Larry then attacks the duo but his Sea Bee skills are not quite enough to tangle with Chan & Li’s B.A. kung Fu moves as the 2 fighters dispatch him rather quickly. The 3 Myrmidons: Deathstroke, Sabertooth, and Taskmaster square off Yareal Poof, Depa Billaba, and her Padawan. Taskmaster is able to immediately mimic the Jedi skills and techniques of his opponents, but with no lightsaber to execute them with, he still loses to the 4 armed Yareal Poof. Sabertooth kills the Quermian Jedi Master and then guts Depa Billaba’s padawan Suzie which pisses her off enough to make her rip him apart with her lightsaber. Depa Billaba and Deathstroke then engage each other in an incredible swordfight but it is Deathstroke who comes out on top when he ends the battle with a quick sword sweep to the neck of Depa Billaba’s. The Witch King on his Fell Beast flies in low to do battle with He-Man and his rippling muscles on top of Battle Cat. He-Man blocks a couple of The Witch King’s hit with his shield, but the sheer evil that is within the Lead Ringwratih deteriorates the shield to nothing while The Witch King’s physical strength knock the pride of Eternia off of Battle Cat. He-Man is then backing up on the ground with his sword in hand, almost convinced that the Witch King’s comments about not being able to be killed by a man are possibly true when Battle Cat jumps on top of The Witch King and tears out his jugular. The Witch King lets out a shriek as he dies but Battle Cat reverts back into Cringer and keels over himself from the infection. He-Man than jumps into the air and sticks the Sword of Grayskull into the neck of The Fell Beast to kill the scourge of Mordor. Beatrix Lastrange and Lucius Malfoy target Nightmare with their wands to destroy him but Galvatron transforms into his cannon form and easily blows away the two wizards. Parasite grabs a hold of Underdog and sucks out his life force but when Parasite uses those powers to fly in and attack Set is Set who does the stealing of powers when he consumes Parasite as if he were a quick snack. Hanibal Lectur and Vandal Savage are visibly enjoying the carnage that is this battle when Zilla stomps them both to death. The Iron patriot was one of several members of The Horsemen to volunteer for the job but was the only one chosen (along with his Dark Avengers) to take out Superman. Norman Osborne, in his new Iron Patriot suit leads Venom, Daken, and The Sentry against Superman and his pets, while Darkseid, Supergirl, Superboy, Sinestro, & Amon Sur will move against Set. Treebeard finally manages to crush the smaller Swamp Thing back into the ground that he came from but Treebeard’s exhausted victory is short-lived as Monarch then blasts the bark out Treebeard. Hades was truly hoping to get a chance to square off against his father Cronos, but instead the god of the Underworld is leading Plo Koon & Pinhead against The Shining Force. Slag, Sludge, & Snarl are able to take out both of the Iron Hides, as well as Slamdance, but once the Cymeks joined the party they were not as successful. The 3 Dinobots manage to take out Neo-Cymeks #1, 3, 6, 12, 13, & 16 but with the help of the 2 Original Titans the Neo-Cymek’s took down not only the 3 Dinobots, but Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, & Prowl as well. The Stunticons form Menacer and make short work of Hot Rod by picking him up and squeezing him with their mighty hands, while Springer and Roadbuster take pot shots at Skywarp, Dirge, Thrust, and Leader 1. Starscream leads Sunstorm and Ramjet against the Zilla and Godzilla combo while Tripticon walks up to join in the fight as well. Six Shot was in his jet form about to attack as well but John Thunder stealthily attacks the much larger Decepticon and is able to ensnare him briefly in his electro net while Jake Rockwell uses his heavy artillery and rockets to blow Sixshot out of the sky. The One Above All and Exitar the Exterminator travel at a little over 11 miles per second to break thru the atmosphere on their way to do battle with Unicron. “I have been waiting” Unicron says to the Celestials. The One Above All answers with “Of course you have, you cannot possibly be insinuating that there is something worth stating by you that I do not already know”. The One Above All then orders Exitar to destroy Unicron. The Celestial killer is bred to destroy anything, but despite his thousands of years of practice, Exitar is by no means used to doing battle with a being that is so much physically larger than him. The 2 opponents begin pounding on one another, doing damage to each other that would have been thought impossible to inflict by even the most powerful beings. Unicron then sticks his battered hand into the eyes Exitar which gives him the ability to briefly gain some semblance of control over the mind of The Celestial. The 2 opponents are barely functioning as Unicron focuses all his power to give the mental command of “Die” to Exitar, which Exitar does. As Exitar’s lifeless body floats away Unicron begins to implode with cosmic energy. The One Above All looks by with an emotion verging on glee knowing that although his Exterminator is killed that Unicron will not be long for these cosmos either. The One Above All begins to casually move away from the situation when Unicron grabs a hold of the lead Celestial’s head as if he were palming a softball. Unicron squeezes with all of his remaining might which is not enough to do damage to The One Above All, but it is enough to not allow his escape which causes The One Above All to join Unicron in death as the cosmic implosion becomes an explosion sending shockwaves throughout the cosmos. Set’s 7 heads defend in unison against the oncoming aerial attack. Set devours Monarch but has a little bit more trouble with Sinestro and Amon Sur. The 2 yellow lanterns concentrate all their power on one of the heads and destroy it, but Amon Sur is then bitten in half by another one. Darkseid and Superboy work together against the many-headed serpent as well. The 2 of them cover each other while Darkseid manages to take out 2 heads with his omega beams. Superboy manages to freeze one of the heads with his breath and then smash it, but while he is doing this instead of covering Darkseid, Darkseid is consumed by Set. This gives Set a boost of cosmic power that it had never quite experienced before which is how it is able to bite right thru the body of Superboy. Supergirl sees this destruction of her 2 very powerful teammates and decides that she must take matters into her own hands. She orders Sinestro to stay as far back as he needs to, but to lend her some cover with his ring. Once Set is kept somewhat busy by Sinestro’s light show of yellow energy Supergirl is able to enact a combination of hitting, freezing, & burning away the last 3 heads of Set one at a time until she and Sinestro can finally blast Set in the heart with everything they have and finally defeat it. The Iron Patriot leads the rest of The Dark Avengers against Superman, whose 2 super pets have decided to stay close to him this week. The Iron Patriot flies in with confidence but is surprisingly met with a clap of Superman’s hands around his head which cave his helmet in like a pop can. Superman stays in the air to do battle with The Sentry, but The Sentry seems to be purposefully taking his time to get there. While Superman waits Streaks and Comet fly down hard onto Venom and Daken. Venom thinks he can easily take the hit but is quickly proven wrong as Streaks fires directly thru his alien symbiote brain. Daken takes quite a beating from Comet but is able to stick his claws in hard up thru the neck of Comet and kill the Super Horse. Streaks tries to hit Daken with heat vision which manages to knock him back, but it is not until Superman hits Daken with a full blast of his heat vision that the mutant is completely fried down to the bone. The Sentry flies in fast and begins trading blows with Superman in what seems to be an extremely evenly matched battle. The Sentry manages to put quite a hurting on The Man of Steel but in the end he simply just not quite strong enough. Superman gets The Sentry in a choke hold, and after applying enough pressure to crush a bowling ball the size of Seattle, The Sentry is finally killed. Cable leads The Horsemen’s telepaths, sans Emma Frost whose head was not so kindly removed by the sword of Hector against the Thor Corps. Cable, his sister Phoenix, and his mom Madelyne Pryor try to take over the minds of Thor, Thunderstrike, & Ragnarok but they find that they are to strong-willed to simply control. Madelyne Pryor is about to blast some of her telepathic energy at Thor but Ragnarok brings his hammer down on her head to kill her. Cable fires his futuristic rifle at Thunderstrike but the young Thor of earth simply dodges out of the way. Rachel Summers unleashes the Phoenix force on Ragnarok which completely engulfs the clone of Thor and destroys him, at almost the exact same time that Thunderstrike puts his hammer of the same name right between the eyes of Cable. “Aye, should we win this day, we will have this hammer to thank” Thor says as he throws Mojinir into the cosmic fire of the Phoenix. Seconds that seem like hours pass as no one is sure of what this power battle will bring but eventually the hammer Mojinir comes flying out of the fire and back into the hands of Thor while Rachel Summers comes crashing down onto the ground, dead. The Joker is now laughing hysterically as he has his own teammate Jason Voorhies on a leash as he runs in to do battle with Lord Katsumoto and his squad of Asian warriors Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and Bruce Lee. The Joker whose control over Voorhies is somewhat uncanny releases the enraged Jason on their opponents. Jason takes his machete and plants it right between the eyes of Jet Li and then grabs a hold of Jackie Chan, and twists his head off. Bruce Lee begins fighting hand to hand with The Joker but The Joker stops to laugh as Jason simply comes up behind Bruce Lee as if he were a puppy coming to protect his master The Joker. Bruce Lee struggles but cannot seem to get loose from the grip of Jason who squeezes the neck of Bruce Lee until blood finally stops running out of his eyes. Jason begins to move toward Lord Katsumoto but the Samurai warlord moves swiftly toward Jason, unafraid of anything he just witnessed. Katsumoto then sticks his Tachi into the neck of Jason and then pulls it out quickly. In one fluid motion Katsumoto swings the sword around in a circular motion that ends with the removal of Jason’s head. The Joker picks up Jason’s weapon and rushes up behind Katsumoto but the samurai simply sticks his sword out behind him causing The Joker to run himself thru, allowing someone else to get the last laugh. Max orders The Shining Force to form up. Numbers are on their side but Max can see that the force they are about to do battle with will not be easily defeated. Pinhead starts telepathically controlling his chains and causes them to brutally kill Yogurt, Domingo, and all 4 healers. It is not until Tao casts Dispel on Pinhead to revert him back to his human form that Zylo is able to kill him. Hades manages to take out both gladiators Gort and Luke despite their Atlas wielding abilities, as well as Vann and Ryan, but Max uses the Chaos Breaker with its ability to wield both the sides of light and dark which is enough to kill the god of the Underworld. Plo Koon uses his lightsaber to easily destroy both Bird People, Kokichi, Bario, the ninja, and the samurai, but Anri is able to almost take him out completely with Freeze 4 which leaves him weak enough to be killed by Pelle and his Demon Lance. Juggernaut comes running in toward Original Titan #1 with his fists swinging and does not stop as he pounds his way thru the much larger Cymek. Juggernaut manages to take the Titan off guard and not even break stride until the huge human brained robot is destroyed. Titan #2, in seeing this amazing display of momentum, has no desire to meet the same fate which is why The Titan targets the back of Juggernaut with an amazing amount of weaponry to actually stop The Juggernaut. Willow is about to cast a spell when Archangel flies down from above and pins the little wizard to the ground with his razor sharp wings. Krang fights back in his bulky robotic suit but he is no match for Archangel as Warren Worthington directs his poison darts directly into the brain cavity that is Krang to kill him. The 2 Centurions than converge on Archangel’s position but Archangel takes to the air to avoid their initial attacks. John Thunder uses his infiltration techniques to try and lure Archangel out of the air but when he does he is met by a razor wing slice to the neck. It is not until Jake Rockwell blasts his land to air missile at Archangel who wrongly believes that his hardened wings are enough to block the attack, that the mutant is eventually killed. Nyobi, Hector, and Luke Skywalker are busy taking on a limitless army of Madrox clones when Baby Wolverine sneaks around to some bushes where he sniffs out the real Jamie Madrox who is simply hiding in the rough creating more and more clones of himself. The little Wolverine proves that he is the best at what baby killers do as he sneaks up behind The Multiple Man and sticks him in the heart with his claws. Skywarp leads his seeker team of Dirge and Thrust rocketing thru the airwaves to rendezvous with Leader 1, Blitzwing and Astrotrain so they can begin their attack on Tripticon when Starscream pops up out of nowhere with his seeker group of Sunstorm and Ramjet right behind him. With his 2 wingmen protecting his back Starscream targets Thrust out of the sky, the 3 of them veer off course once Leader 1’s crew comes into the picture but the smaller faster jets led by Starscream are able to concentrate their fire on Astrotrain to take him out. While Starscream takes out Dirge, Blitzwing lands and transforms into his tank mode to target Sunstorm out of the sky. Ramjet is then taken out Leader 1 who also gets in position to take out Starscream while Starscream is showing his flight superiority to his old friend Skywarp. Leader 1 is about to take advantage of his better position over Starscream when Luke Skywalker (the old one) in his X-Wing pop up as if they were teleported there to blast Leader 1 out of the sky with an advanced missile. Luke than uses up another one of his missiles to blast Blitzwing off the ground before he can transform out of tank mode to avoid the blast. Gideon and Elixir move against Mitsurugi and Seraph. Gideon steals the powers of the timid Elixir, and then uses them in ways that Elixir would never think to. Gideon simply makes Mitsurugi’s heart stop beating while Seraph puts a .40 caliber bullet between the eyes of Elixir, which inadvertently and luckily for Seraph takes the biological manipulation powers away from Gideon. Gideon simply takes the abilities and skills of Seraph though and the 2 of them become locked in an amazing Kung Fu battle. They are all of the sudden amazingly matched due to the fact that they are using the exact same skills but Gideon has a significant size advantage over the protector of The Oracle. Gideon tries to come in hard with a roundhouse punch but it seems that speed and experience win out in this battle as Seraph ducks underneath the attempted blow and gets in behind Gideon to crack his neck. Serci comes down from the sky to do battle with The Shining Force. Serci has seen what the Wizardesses of The Shining Force have done thus far to her team which is why she targets The Shining Force’s magic users first. In the blink of an eye she takes out Tao, Anri, Wile, and Arthur. She then moves on to take out the team’s Steam knight and their 3 ranged attackers. She faces off against Zylo who is amazed to find out that despite his superiority in size he is not stronger than she is, and even with the help of the expert mercenary knight Pelle Serci ends out on top. Only Max, Edgar, and Mae are able to overpower Serci after Max stuns her with the use of The Chaos Breaker so the 2 knights can use their valkyrie and halberd to finish her off. Springer and Roadbuster are able to keep Zilla occupied with their laser blasts to give Tripticon enough time to finish off Zilla with a massive laser blast from his open mouth, but once Tripticon is successful with this move Godzilla opens his own mouth and completely disintegrates Tripticon with his cosmic fire breath. Godzilla then stomps on Both Springer and Roadbuster with his massive feet. Deathstroke throws a grenade into the mouth of Bowser to blow him up internally but Gannon uses some magical aid to put a sword into Deathstroke’s head, doing enough damage that Deathstroke’s superior mind is unable to heal it. Gannon stands at the ready after this small victory but after Havoc pumps him full of solar energy Gannon is little more than a Kentucky Fried elf killer (I don’t know where I got the idea to use that ridiculous term, but its late, and I’m leaving it in). The Stunticons merge to form Menacer and then march alongside The Balrog of Moria to do battle against the Neo-Cymeks whom they find are now being led by Galvatron as The only remaining Original Titan is on the other side of the battlefield. Menacer does not like these odds but they soon become a little more evened up as Starscream and Luke in the X-Wing fly in to help and Havoc and Tommy Oliver (sans Dragon Zord) rush in to help on the ground. Supergirl and Sinestro wipe out the 3 remaining members of the Shining Force on their way to take on Hot Rod, Blaster and his 4 remaining tapes, while Achilles and Lion-O make short work of Lord Katsumoto and then defeat Jake Rockwell despite his vastly superior fire power. Despite the fact that Hector has no desire to face off against Achilles again, he is a man of honor and will do whatever is asked of him by his teammates. Hector leads Gen. Maximus, Baby Wolverine, & Nyobi against Achilles and Lion-O. Hector manages to keep Achilles busy by provoking the Greek in hopes that his followers can defeat their opponent in time and help him out with the pride of The Greek forces. Lion-O removes the head of Gen. Maximus and then uses The Sword of Omens to pin Baby Wolverine to the side of the tree and then remove his cute little Logan head. Nyobi and Lion-O square off and seem pretty evenly matched but in the end it is superior weaponry that wins the day for Lion-O as he lops off yet another head with The Sword of Omens. Hector fights valiantly against Achilles but in the end this fight can come to a close in only one way. As destiny sees fit Achilles once again proves himself to be the better of the 2 fighters and kills his worthy opponent Hector. The 2 Horsemen stand ready for their next round of attackers but this time they find themselves to be not quite as well matched. The Sword of Omens possesses great power in the hands of Lion-O but it is lacking when it faces off against the Sword of Grayskull in the hands of He-Man. The 2 of them clash for a considerable amount of time but in the end He-Man proves himself to be The Master of the Universe (or at least this fight) as Lion-O gets cat-nipped by The Eternian (cat-nipped, huh…. What do you think, yes…, no…. you like it? Too much? Yeah I can’t tell either). Seraph is holding off Achilles nicely despite Achilles relentless attacks but once He-Man comes in to lend his homeboy Seraph a hand even the great Greek Achilles shows his signs of wear and succumbs to the might of their combined fighting techniques. Seraph turns to his companion He-Man to thank him for his help in defeating Achilles but when he does, He-Man falls flat on his face from a wound to the jugular that neither he nor Seraph even knew Achilles inflicted on him. Hot Rod does a great job as an interim Autobot leader but it proves to simply be not enough as he, Blaster, Rewind, Eject, Ramhorn, & Steeljaw are unable to defeat either Supergirl or Sinestro. The 2 super-powered aliens simply fly circles around the 6 Autobots and lay them to waste. Supergirl then gets a little carried away as she sticks her little finger into the ear of Sepiroth as if she is a demented little killer Q-tip before her and her new homie Sinestro face off against Bloodwind. Havoc and Tommy take a while to accomplish it, but with a lot of sweat and team work the 2 of them manage to take down Neo-Cymek #8. Once they get down a bit of a rhythm it does not take them nearly as long to destroy Neo-Cymek #17. But Neo-Cymek #2 uses one of its retractable metal arms to knock over Havoc and then skewer Tommy Oliver right thru his protective chest shield. Havoc is visibly shaken and when he officially comes to he realizes that the Cymek is right over top of him. Havoc, with his last breath conjures up as much energy as he can and surges it thru himself causing both of the opponents to create a massive explosion which kills them both. Several Neo-Cymeks take to the air to do battle with Luke and Starscream, who have just used their combined fire power to take out Galvatron in his robot form. An incredible dog-fight ensues which we will soon return to. Bloodwind attempts to use his eye beams on Supergirl but she quickly evades the attack, while Sinestro uses his ring to create a giant axe that slices thru Bloodwind and kills him. Supergirl comes down like a meteor on top of Titan #2 which puts a good size whole in the hull of the huge cymek. Sinestro then uses his yellow ring to pump the hole with as much yellow energy as he can muster until Original Titan #2 eventually explodes. The Balrog of Moria in a fit of rage worthy of Mordor uses his fiery magic and evil encrusted whip to take out Neo-Cymeks #4, 5, & 18. This amazing show of fighting prowess should be well-noted but in the end even the evil valor spawned creature succumbs to the overwhelming firepower of The Neo-Cymeks and is destroyed. Starscream and Luke prove to be practically unhittable as they zoom around the skies evading everything that the cymeks have to throw at them. Starscream takes out Cymeks #7 & 9 while Luke despite being out of missiles takes out #10 & 15 with nothing but perfectly placed laser blasts. Starscream is almost hit by Cymek #11 but Luke sacrifices himself to save Starscream by getting between his Decepticon friend and Cymek #11 but getting shot down himself in the process. Luke manages to eject safely from the X-Wing but the same cannot be said for his droid R6-o3. Luke lies on the ground doing what he can to regain his composure when the 2 Neo-Cymeks land right in front of the Jedi Master. Starscream lands behind them but has no shot unless he wants to take out his much needed partner in crime in the process. Starscream wait for Luke to pull out his lightsaber or something but Luke simply raises his hand into the air and with a deep breath uses the force to rip the 2 Neo-Cymeks apart causing even the eternally arrogant Starscream to display a look of amazement on his metal face. Supergirl and Sinestro are clicking in a way that would make both Darkseid and Hanibal Lectur proud if they were still alive as they fly circles around the massive beast known as Godzilla. Sinestro keeps the huge monster busy with his blasts of yellow energy and numerous yellow energy creations but it is Supergirl who gets the final blow as she comes in at an amazing rate of speed like a corkscrew into the back of Godzilla’s head going directly into his brain cavity and killing the massive competitor. Superman and Supergirl regroup there forces on opposing sides in a way similar to the beginning of the battle, yet very little is similar to the beginning of the battle. The battlefield, now littered with bodies has very little of the green that it was had. The ground is soaked with blood and motor oil reminiscent of something Goofjuice would find on the internet and then talk about on the pod cast while he pretends like we’re crazy for not understanding him. Supergirl forms up with her team of Sinestro, Luke Skywalker, and Starscream. While on the other side of the carcass-laden field Superman lines up his team of Streaks, Thor, Thunderstrike, Luke Skywalker, and Seraph. It is awkward to fight on a plot of land where one’s feet cannot even touch the ground do to the sheer number of scattered and broken weapons, not to mention the scattered and broken bodies. Besides the fact that there is little strategy to discuss in a battle this cut and dry so without saying a word Supergirl’s forces scatter and begin the attack. Grand Jedi Master Luke Skywalker ignites his green bladed lightsaber and moves toward Superman while Supergirl and Sinestro attack Thor and Thunderstrike. “Again I spake, it is by Mojinir alone that we will win this battle. Now defend yourself Kryptonian wench”. Starscream transforms into his jet form and flies in toward TEAM in an attempt to simply ram his opponents but Luke Skywalker and Seraph both flip on to the back of the Decepticon. Starscream quickly pulls up, knowing that the people on his back do not have flight ability and then goes in to a tail spin to try and knock them off. Seraph tries his hardest to hold on but he loses his grip and goes plummeting to his doom. Luke, thru great concentration in the force manages to hold on and ignite his lightsaber. Luke takes a great gamble, but one that he knows is necessary for his TEAM. He lets the force speak to him and let him know exactly where the weakest point is on the sentient ship he is combating and then sticks his lightsaber into it. He widens the gap using the force and then plunges his Jedi weapon into the spot extinguishing the spark of The Decepticon. Luke Skywalker uses the force to ease his fall from the sky but his force abilities are simply not yet good enough for a fall from such an amazing height which is why Luke cannot survive the fall. Thunderstrike whispers to Thor during a brief lull in the battle that: “These Kryptonians are more powerful than they look brother; as much as it pains me, we must work alongside Superman if we are to defeat these evil-doers”. “Nay we need only this weapon and its worthy wielder to defeat our enemies, and nevertheless I still don’t trust Superman” Thor responds as he holds up Mojinir and resumes his battle with Supergirl. Luke Skywalker moves in quickly against Superman and his cat. Superman has no problem evading the initial lightsaber attacks but with a flick of his wrist and a spin of his saber Luke manages to cut Streaks directly in half. Superman attempts to blow Luke away but Luke blocks the gale force winds with a force of his own and then blocks Superman’s heat vision with his lightsaber. Thor has been battling with Supergirl and Thunderstrike with Sinestro but in the heat of the fast-paced battle the fights were switched. Sinestro tries to blast Thor with his ring but Thor powers thru the attack and catches the exhausted Sinestro on the side of his face with Mojinir which completely caves in his head. Thor then turns to go aid his brother in arms Thunderstrike but sees that Supergirl has already finished her choke hold and is dropping his lifeless body to the ground. Supergirl knows from the experience of her last battle with TEAM that she is unable to lift the Asgardian hammers for whatever reason, which is why she flies in toward Thor at twice the speed of light and begins pummeling him with hits he cannot even see coming. Back down on the ground Superman goes in for a killer punch on Luke but Luke quickly evades the attack and spins his lightsaber into the air behind his back with such ferocity that Luke pushes the balance of how far a Jedi can go before they cross over to the dark side. With a certain degree of his immense force power behind the swing of his saber, Luke nicks the right eye of Superman and then brings his lightsaber down so hard on the back swing that he manages to cut the left arm of the Man of Steel clean off. Luke then force pushes Superman to the ground as if he were flinging the body of a lifeless doll. Thor manages to escape the brutal attack of Supergirl a battered and bloody mess and begins flying away (really traveling with his thrown hammer) from Supergirl, but he finds out rather quickly that even after Supergirl stopped to rest for a minute she has no problem catching up to the Asgardian. Luke jumps in toward Superman to finish the job; but Superman, although still lying on his back gets up his big red boot just in the nick of time to catch Luke under the mouth and break his neck. Even the great and powerful Superman needs to sit and rest his battered and mutilated body for a second before he goes to aid Thor who is on the losing end of a battle with a Supergirl that seems as if she will simply not tire during the course of this battle. Supergirl smirks as she catches up to Thor who is evading in a vain attempt to regroup from Supergirl’s relentless attacks. Thor receives a punch to the gut from Supergirl which marks the moment when even the most self-confident man realizes that he is the middle of a battle that he cannot win. The one-armed, one-eyed Superman takes flight and begins moving toward the other end of the immense battlefield where this final battle of powerhouses is taking place. Now whether it be due to his incalculable strength or his immeasurable good will, one can never be sure, but in the brief moment of selfless action, when the first son of Odin used his final bit of strength to throw the great hammer Mojinir to the last son of Krypton; Kal El reached out his hand as if he had just been thrown a pencil. Superman, with Mojinir in his one good hand lands back down on the ground and waits for only a second before Supergirl lands in front of him. Supergirl states plainly: “We’ve done this before cousin; and the last 2 times I defeated you, you were in much better shape”. Superman, not in his typical state of mind does not hesitate for a second as he simply swings Mojinir with all of his might and catches Supergirl directly under the chin. It is impossible to say where exactly it was that Supergirl landed, but as far as the members of TEAM are concerned, he sent her right back to Apokolips.
TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!

The Right Wing vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 6 Match: The Right Wing vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad.

I look into the locker room of The Right Wing and see the following members: Silver Surfer, Hulk, Zeus, Mr. Freeze, Flash, John Stewart, Blackfire, Storm, Duncan Idaho Ghola #6, Green Goblin, Jedi Knights #16-25, Elite Stormtroopers #1-12, T-Rexes #16-20, Athena, Ulysses S. Grant, Captain Panaka, Batwoman, Army Soldiers #131-154, Agents #1 and 2, Jedi Padawans #2-6, Jack Shepherd, Goliath, Wicked Witch of the West, Slimer, Mike Huckabee, Gold Dragons #10-12, Donkey Kong Jr., Quinlon Vos with Jedi Padawan #38, Warpath, Helen of Troy, Red Sonja, The Pantheon: Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Cassiopeia, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Paris, Prometheus, Ulysses I and Ulysses II, Gondor Soldiers #1-3, Darth Malak, Shintor Beerus with Jedi Padawan #39, Eros, Red Tornado, Captain Mifune, Black Panther, Baby Storm, Skaar Son of Hulk, Elephants #1-7, Titanium Man, Bulkhead, Pegasus, Korg, Ninjas #1-15, Moss Man, Drucilla, Martin Blank, Bookworm, Doc Samson, Rupert Giles, Xander Harris, Miss Martian and Atticus Finch.

Atticus Finch: We will go into battle, my friends. We will have the law on our side, go into battle and be victorious!

Captain Mifune: If it's our time to die, it's our time. All I ask is, if we have to give these bastards our lives, we give 'em hell before we do!

Rupert Giles: A little dramatic Captain, but an admirable attempt to stir the troops.

I look into the locker room of Xavier’s Annihilation Squad and see the following members: Gladiator, The Leprechaun, Randy Couture, Darth Bane, Apocalypse, Mary Embry, Ursa, The Eradicator, Geo-Force, The White Witch, The Blob, Mighty Joe Young, Gorilla Grodd, T-X, The Terrorcons, The Aerialbots, Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron, Metroplex, Colonel John Matrix, Black Tom Cassidy, Vigo the Carpathian, Bane, Bonecrusher (movie), Barricade (movie), Brainstorm and Arcana, Silver Samurai, Samurai #21-40, Ancient Sith Lords 1-7 and 15, Sith Lord #8, Rick O'Connell, Eve O'Connell, Feral, Beowolf, Kevin (from Sin City), Shredder, Walker Texas Ranger, Shadowcat and Lockheed, Jet Jaguar, Weapon Omega, Nemesis Enforcer, Zorro, Mordor Horse #1, Minotaurs #1-10, Wookie Soldiers #1-30, Dilophosauruses #1-6, Sailor Moon, Shinobi and Yamato, Reverse Flash and Bonk.

Walker stands up and the entire locker room looks upon the Texas Ranger.

Walker: Walker, Texas Ranger, is ready for battle!

I transport the teams to the grassland battlefield.

Zorro jumps on Mordor Horse #1 and rides into battle. He is met by Gondor Soldiers #1-3 on Elephants #1-3. Mordor Horse #1 manages to escape the stomping of Elephant #1, but is shoveled and impaled with the tusks of Elephant #2. While Mordor Horse #1 goes down, Zorro does an acrobatic flip on Elephant #2. He stabs Gondor Soldier #2 and kills him. Dilophosauruses #1-6 rush onto the scene and split into two groups. Dilophosauruses #1-3 attack Gondor Soldier #3 and Elephant #3. The dinosaurs jump on Elephant #3 and begin to tear apart both Gondor Soldier #3 and his Elephant. Dilophosauruses #4-6 spit blinding poison into Elephant #1 and Gondor Soldier #1’s faces. They both go down and the dinosaurs finish them off, greedily feasting on their flesh. Zorro, meanwhile rides Elephant #2 at his Wookie Soldier teammates ahead. Zorro does a flip off the back of Elephant #2 who is fired upon and killed by the Wookies. T-Rexes #16-20 see Dilophosauruses #1-6 eating on the battlefield. The T-Rexes charge the Dilophosauruses. Dilophosauruses #3 and 6 are easily killed by the ferocity of the dinosaurs. The remaining Dilophosauruses stick together and manage to kill T-Rex #17 with their combined offensive stance. Gold Dragons #10-12 fly upon the scene and with their cones of fire, finish off Dilophosauruses #1-2, 4-5. Wookie Soldiers #1-30 turn their attention to another section of the grasslands and see Elephants #4-7. The Wookies shout their battle cries and rush at the Elephants. All of the Wookies unload their bowcasters and cannons at Elephants #4-7 and kill them.

Wicked Witch of the West is flying on her broom when she sees Mighty Joe Young. She thinks of her own winged monkeys and determines that she will attempt to make the mighty ape her greatest creation. The Witch flies next to the animal and begins to cast a spell which will make him her minion. When the spell is nearly cast, Storm comes upon the scene, and with her weather manipulation ability, focuses a rainstorm on the Wicked Witch of the West, which melts her. Donkey Kong, Jr. retaliates by attacking Mighty Joe Young. The battle of the monkeys begins. Although Mighty Joe is far larger than Kong, Jr., Kong Jr.’s fine motor skills are far superior to the great ape. Kong, Jr. takes the Witch’s broom to fly around. He repeatedly strikes Mighty Joe, who is now becoming tired and dazed. Before Kong can finish Mighty Joe, he is swarmed upon by Minotaurs #1-10 and killed.

Jedi Knights #16-25 and Jedi Padawans #2-6 meet Ancient Sith Lords #1-7 and 15 and Sith Lord #8. The battle is equally matched as the light side and dark side forces face off against one another. Jedi Padawans #2-6 manage to combine forces to destroy Ancient Sith Lord #15. Ancient Sith Lords #1-4 then slash through Jedi Padawans #2-6. Jedi Knights #16-25 face off against Sith Lord #8, as well as the Ancient Sith Lords #1-7. Although the light side manages to kill Sith Lord #8 and Ancient Sith Lords #3-5, all Jedi Knights #16-25 eventually fall to the blinding power of the Sith. With Ancient Sith Lords #1-2 and 6-7 standing, the Pantheon charges the scene. The Pantheon’s combined skills and weaponry of Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Cassiopeia, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Paris, Prometheus, Ulysses I and Ulysses II are too much for the remaining Sith. Although Paris, Ulysses I and Andromeda fall in the battle, the remaining Pantheon members kill Ancient Sith Lords #1-2 and 6-7.

Kevin from Sin City stalks Atticus Finch. The mute serial killer sneaks up from behind and stabs Finch, severing his spinal cord. Finch is mortally wounded and dying. Kevin smiles at the thought of the famous lawyer’s head mounted as a trophy. Rupert Giles and Xander Harris mount an attack on Kevin. Kevin’s use of martial arts manages to incapacitate Harris, who then takes a knife across his throat. Giles is then being pummeled by Kevin. Red Sonja comes to the scene and through the use of her sword mastery bests Kevin. Red Sonja then picks up an injured, but still alive Giles. Pegasus swoops in and Giles rides the winged steed away from the fray. The Silver Samurai then comes over and uses his sword in a vicious fight against Sonja. Although Sonja has the brute strength, the mastery of Silver Samurai is too much as Sonja screams and meets her maker as Silver Samurai cuts her head off. Ninjas #1-15 acrobatically come to the battle and take on Silver Samurai. Samurai #21-40 back their leader up. The combined abilities of the fifteen Ninjas manage to kill Silver Samurai and Samurai #29-37. Nonetheless, the remaining Samurai who have lost their brethren, with honor, destroy all Ninjas #1-15. Elite Stormtroopers #1-12 rally and kill remaining Samurai #21-28, 38-40, although also losing Elite Stormtroopers #3-7.

Rick O’Connell and Eve O’Connell meet Slimer. Slimer manages to slime Eve O’Connell who suffocates in the muck which encased her. Rick O’Connell, furious at his wife’s demise, attacks Slimer. Slimer is about to slime Rick when Bonk and the Leprechaun join their teammate. The combined forces of the supernatural Leprechaun and the strong caveboy’s “bonking” skills destroys Slimer. Captain Mifune in his armored personnel unit blasts and destroys both the Leprechaun and Bonk. Mifune and Rick O’Connell rush to the battle.

Pegasus and Giles are flying overhead when they are met by the Aerialbots: Silverbolt in Concorde mode, Skydive in F-16 Fighting Falcon mode, Fireflight in F-4 Phantom II mode, Slingshot in AV-8B Harrier II mode and Air Raid in F-15 Eagle mode. The watcher and winged horse are no match for the combined weaponry and tactical skills of the Transformers; thus, Pegasus and Giles are basically disintegrated in the sky, with feathers and body parts falling to the ground. The Aerialbots are then met with Storm, Baby Storm, Silver Surfer, and Bulkhead. Baby Storm is shredded by Skydive’s weapons. Silver Surfer uses his cosmic powers to destroy Silverbolt. Bulkhead takes out Air Raid. Storm then uses her powers to force Fireflight, Skydive and Slingshot down on the grasslands below. Before they can transform to their robot modes they are met by Skaar, Doc Samson and Hulk. Skaar destroys Fireflight. Doc Samson destroys Skydive. Hulk destroys Slingshot. Storm flies away to her other teammates.

The battle in the sky continues as John Stewart, Silver Surfer, Bulkhead, Gold Dragons #10-12, Zeus, Green Goblin and Miss Martian take on Mary Embry, Eradicator, Geo-Force, Ursa, Brainstorm and Arcana. Green Goblin is flying on his glider and repeatedly throws his goblin bombs at Geo-Force. Geo-Force manages to dodge most of the bombs, but while focused on the Goblin, is met by all three Gold Dragons. The Gold Dragons #10-12 hit Geo-Force at the same time with their flames and Geo-Force goes down. Brainstorm and Arcana take on Bulkhead and manage to destroy their Transformer enemy. Silver Surfer then uses his cosmic powers against Brainstorm and Arcana. They are incinerated at the force of the blast. Embry and Ursa manage to break the necks and incapacitate all Gold Dragons #10-12, who mortally wounded, plummet to the ground. Embry manages to fly behind the Green Goblin and kill him. She uses the goblin bombs from his bag to repeatedly pummel John Stewart. Stewart uses his lantern ring to strike Embry. As Embry attempts to gain her senses, she is immediately struck by Zeus’s forces as he manipulates the skies. With Embry at somewhat of a loss, Miss Martian comes upon her and kills her. The Eradicator then kills Stewart when he has the chance. Ursa and Eradicator face Silver Surfer who unleashes a blast that sends Ursa and Eradicator to the ground. They are pounced upon by Miss Martian, Skaar, Hulk and Doc Samson. The punishment is too much and Ursa and Eradicator both die.

Shinobi and Yamato meet Martin Blank. Blank manages to shoot and kill Yamato, but Shinobi is too quick with his martial arts’ moves and kills Blank. Warpath storms upon the scene and kills Shinobi. Flash and Reverse Flash are equally matched and are fighting one another to a near standstill until Mr. Freeze uses his ray to make Reverse Flash slip. As Reverse Flash slips, Moss Man controls the grassland’s plant life and captures Reverse Flash. The plants strangle the life out of Reverse Flash. Mighty Joe Young and Gorilla Grodd come upon the scene and their combined ape powers tear apart Moss Man. The apes are then met with T-Rexes #16, 18-20. Mighty Joe Young kills T-Rex #16, but is unable to subdue all Rexes at the same time and dies as he is pounced upon by T-Rexes #17-20. Gorilla Grodd is about to be killed when his furry teammates, Wookie Soldiers #1-20 rush to the scene. Their combined firepower manage to kill the remaining T-Rexes #17-20. Elite Stormtroopers #1-2, 8-12 come on the scene and fire upon the Wookies. The Elite troopers manage to kill Wookie Soldiers #1-16, while all the remaining Stormtroopers fall dead. Army Soldiers #131-154, due to their sheer numbers alone, manage to riddle the Wookie Soldiers’ bodies with bullets and kill them off, but suffer the casualties of Army Soldiers #131-140. Army Soldiers #141-154 then take on T-X, Colonel John Matrix and Beowulf. The remaining Army Soldiers die, but take out Colonel John Matrix at the same time.
Black Tom Cassidy finds rotten wood amongst the grasslands’ ground. He sees Bookworm and smashes the villain over the head and then uses a concussive blast to blow him away. Shredder, Feral and Randy Couture join their teammate in battle. They are facing Ulysses S. Grant, Agents #1 and 2, Mike Huckabee and Duncan Idaho Ghola #6. Shredder and Feral unleash their ferocity against Ulysses S. Grant and Agents #1 and 2; they do not last long against the claws of their opponents. Randy Couture takes on Mike Huckabee and easily kills the politician. Couture then takes on Duncan Idaho Ghola and through his mixed martial arts’ mastery, manages to hurt the Ghola. Black Tom Cassidy uses a concussive burst to destroy the Ghola. Successful, the Squad’s quad look for other combatants to defeat. Blackfire, Helen of Troy and Black Panther meet the quad. Blackfire uses her solar powered energy projection ability to throw Black Tom Cassidy across the field. Black Panther then pounces on Cassidy and kills him with his strength. Helen of Troy manages to take Couture off guard due to her beauty and Blackfire easily kills the smitten male. Feral pounces on Helen and slices her up. Shredder and Feral then face Blackfire and Black Panther. Blackfire allows Black Panther to dispatch of the two.

Across the way, Darth Bane, the White Witch, Darth Voltress, Darth Ocron, and Vigo the Carpathian meet Goliath, Quinlon Vos with Jedi Padawan #38, Warpath, the remaining Pantheon members: Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Prometheus, and Ulysses II, Darth Malak, and Shintor Beerus with Jedi Padawan #39. Darth Bane and Darth Malak are in a pitched lightsaber battle. The two Sith strike at each other repeatedly, neither giving way to the other. Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron come into the lightsaber fray, knowing that Malak alone will be no match for the trio of force wielders. Malak is about to be struck down when Quinlon Vos with Jedi Padawan #38 and Shintor Beerus with Jedi Padawan #39 enter the fray. The Sith Lords have enough time to continue their fight and dispatch Jedi Padawan #38 and Jedi Padawan #39. Only the strong survive. The combined fighting skills of Malak, Vos and Beerus take on Bane, Ocron and Voltress. After the battle, the only ones standing are Vos and Malak. Beerus, Bane, Ocron and Voltress are all dead. The supernatural and magical abilities of Vigo the Carpathian and the White Witch easily dispatch Warpath. Vos and Malak, with the assistance of the remaining Pantheon members and Goliath take on and destroy Vigo and the White Witch. Nonetheless the supernatural beings, before their death, manage to take out Achilles, Ajax, Atlanta, Hector and Ulysses II.
It is the final stand between the two teams.

For the Right Wing are Silver Surfer, Hulk, Zeus, Mr. Freeze, Flash, John Stewart, Blackfire, Storm, Athena, Captain Panaka, Batwoman, Jack Shephard, Goliath, Quinlon Vos, The Pantheon: Agamemnon, Andromeda, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Prometheus, Darth Malak, Eros, Red Tornado, Captain Mifune, Black Panther, Skaar Son of Hulk, Titanium Man, Korg, Drusilla, Doc Samson, and Miss Martian.

For Xavier’s Annihilation Squad are Gladiator, Apocalypse, The Blob, Gorilla Grodd, T-X, The Terrorcons, Metroplex, Bane, Bonecrusher (movie), Barricade (movie), Rick O'Connell, Beowolf, Walker Texas Ranger, Shadowcat and Lockheed, Jet Jaguar, Weapon Omega, Nemesis Enforcer, Zorro, Minotaurs #1-10, and Sailor Moon.

Minotaurs #1-10 charge the Right Wing. Batwoman uses her utility belt weaponry to kill Minotaurs #1 and 7. Captain Panaka manages to shoot and kill Minotaur # 2. Minotaur #3 and #5 then overpower the Nabooian guardsman and maul him with their horns. Titanium Man uses his concussive blasts and armor to defeat Minotaurs #3-5. Athena uses her hunting and godlike skills to kill Minotaurs # 8-10. Captain Mifune destroys Minotaur #6 with his armor.

Drucilla: My precious little Walker (she says as she focuses on Walker, Texas Ranger).

Walker: I am Walker, Texas Ranger. My keen skills and mind shall repel you vampire harpie!

Drucilla manages to lure Walker to her. She nibbles on his neck. Walker laughs.

Walker: Walker, Texas Ranger, loves when a woman takes charge.

Drucilla bites into Walker and drains his blood. As she is sucking the remaining blood from her victim, she is stabbed in the back by Zorro. She explodes into a dust cloud.

The five Terrorcons combine to form Abominus. Captain Mifune faces the giant Transformer and repeatedly fires upon the monstrous figure. Abominus crushes Mifune in his personalized weapon armor. Abominus also manages to mortally wound and/or kill Batwoman, Black Panther, Jason and Prometheus. Jack Shephard runs amongst the mortally wounded seeing if he can save any of them. As he sits over Black Panther he hears someone scream: “I am Beowulf.” That is the last Shephard hears as Beowulf lops his head off. The Right Wing determine to focus on separate pieces of Abominus, knowing that they will have to transform into their robot forms to save themselves. John Stewart focuses on Blot. Before he is able to use his ring powers though, he is struck down by Weapon Omega. Quinlon Vos and Darth Malak then combine their force powers and rip Weapon Omega out of the sky and manage to each slice him dead. As the Right Wing begins to focus their attack on Abominus, Bonecrusher and Barricade come to their robot brethren’s aid. Mr. Freeze manages to hit Blot with his freeze ray. Titanium Man then finishes the job with his blasts. Blot is destroyed and Abominus transforms into its various components: Hunn-Grrr (two headed dragon), Cutthroat (pterodactyl like beast), Rippersnapper (land shark) and Sinnertwin (Orthrus type monster). The four transformers manage to take out Storm and Doc Samson. Meanwhile, Miss Martian and Zeus destroy Barricade. Skaar and Hulk take on and destroy Bonecrusher. Hunn-Grr and Cutthroat are taken out by Silver Surfer and Blackfire.

What is left of the Pantheon: Agamemnon, Andromeda, Delphi, Hector focus on the easier prey. Their combined Pantheon powers and weapons are too much for Shadowcat and Lockheed, Jet Jaguar, Nemesis Enforcer and Sailor Moon. In response Metroplex wipes the entire Pantheon out. Korg tries to take on the Blob and is unable to defeat him; he loses his life for the attempt. Quinlon Vos takes on the T-X. Although repeatedly blocked at first, its relentless robotic will does away with the Vos. Darth Malak, in turn, destroys the T-X.

Gladiator and Bane take on Flash. The speedster runs circles around the duo that cannot catch him. He repeatedly beats on the two who eventually fall to the ground. Goliath finishes the two by driving them in the earth with his feet. Metroplex unleashes its weapons and kills Goliath. Apocalypse dispatches with Eros.

Silver Surfer and Blackfire use their combined forces to rip through The Blob, Gorilla Grodd, Rick O'Connell and Beowolf. Apocalypse kills Mr. Freeze and Flash with his powers. Metroplex manages to destroy Darth Malak who cannot deflect all the salvos and the remaining Terrorcons rip apart and destroy Red Tornado and Titanium Man. At the same time, the only Terrorcons remaining are Rippersnaper and Sinnertwin. Hulk, Skaar and Miss Martian manage to take out the remaining two Terrorcons. The combined forces of the Right Wing destroy Xavier’s remaining team of Apocalypse and Metroplex.

Xavier’s Annihilation Squad: All dead.

The Right Wing: Silver Surfer, Hulk, Zeus, Blackfire, Athena, Skaar Son of Hulk, and Miss Martian alive.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!

The First Annual Easter Classic!

The First Annual Easter Classic is an exhibition match between The Horseman of Apokolips and "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commando's. It is designed to bring awareness and charity to those heroes still without a proper home. A guest watcher by the name of "The Goofjuice", has been brought on to "Observe" this match. We very much look forward to hearing back from him on what he has witnessed.

The victor of this match will receive $500,000 to give to a charity of their choice. Naturally, both "The Horseman" and the "Commando's" have already given $50,000 each to the Heroes Without Homes fund and are both donating their time and energy in eradicating this ever growing problem.

We hope that you enjoy this match and continue to give your support in this ever worsening problem.

With warmest regards,

Angelina Jolie
Director of Humanitarian Relief

The Easter Classic!

As the watcher assigned to the Easter Classic will be busy all weekend; the classic is being posted a few days early.

“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are:
Leon “The Professional”, Jack Crow, Rick Deckard, V, Willow Rosenberg, Venus and Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer w/ Backpack, Boots, & Map, Professor Henry Jones Sr., Chow Yun Fat, John Adams on Horseback, Thomas Jefferson on Horseback, Sir Winston Churchill on Horseback, Ahmed Best on Horseback, Hannah Montana, Mrs. Doubtfire, Dozer #1

The Horsemen of Apokolips are:
Josh, Larry, Chris, Julie, Blurr, Dazzler, Kiss, Baraka, Tommy the Green Ranger, Lion-O, Solomon Grundy, Harley Quinn



About an hour before dawn, the Commandos arrive by Chinook Helicopter at Cabo Sur on the south western tip of Rapa Nui more commonly known as Easter Island.

“This place is huge Leon,” Said Dora the Explorer “Will you help me explore… mi cuerpo?”

Leon has just started to realize Dora’s behavior has become increasingly less appropriate as the weeks go by and begins to wonder if he should learn Spanish to ward off her advances. She kept trying to teach him, but he had a feeling her idea of “essential phrases” were less than appropriate for every day conversation.

He was starting to regret agreeing to train her to become an assassin… and he missed his plant... the plant was so much less trouble.

Just when he is about to ask her what she meant earlier by “prohibido pasión amor” Willow pushed past them.

“If you’re not too busy slutting it up in front of her, could you figure out where we landed on this island Leon?” she said.

Leon, confused, agreed to go scouting. Giving Willow the chance to talk to Dora alone. “Finally! I never thought that bug eyed freakshow would leave… You know… you’re pretty hot for a toddler. Now, how about you teach me some of those latin phrases Dora?” Thankfully for Dora Willows advances were interrupted by the rest of the team finally catching up to them.

“The Cavalry” has mounted their horses and joined the group. Much to their dismay, Ahmed Best has decided to wear armor made from pots and pans, and he has outfitted his horse’s hooves with trash can lids. He is alternately using a broom to make cool rhythmic swishing noises and banging on his armor...

“I thought he was annoying when he talked, but this is insane” said Professor Henry Jones Sr. who is mostly just pissed that he didn’t get a horse to ride. “Look at this place, it’s beautiful, not a tree in sight, perfect for horseback riding… but apparently I’m not worthy of being mounted… err wait, I mean… never mind… Venus, Serena, No I was not hinting at anything, get your freakish man hands away from me!”

Sir Winston Churchill has taken a moment during everyone’s amazement at Ahmed’s ridiculousness to light up a cigar and begin a headcount. “V, could you be a sport and ensure everyone has had their shots?” he said.

“Verily!” said the verbose V. “Gather Round! While you may find me vociferous and altogether too violent, I must vehemently insist that I verify your venereal vaccinations upon our arrival to this verdant landscape. Would any volunteers like to assist me in this most virtuous assignment?”

“There’s no time for this nonsense” Hannah Montana stepped in to say, “I’ve gotten word back from Leon and we need to head north-northeast, there’s a large mountain the locals call Cerro Terevaka, it’s 507 meters high and should give us a line of sight on the opposition.”

“Line of sight? Jones just said this place doesn’t even have any Trees!” said Dozer #1 “Even I can see like 500 yards in every direction!”

“Ever been crushed to death by a cowboy boot Dozer?” said Hannah, clearly not in the mood for any back talk. “Let’s go.”

The Commandos then began heading north, Mrs. Doubtfire passed the time by endlessly chattering on and doing stupid voices every time the group walked by one of the Moai stone heads littered across the island…

Everyone except Chow Yun Fat was annoyed by her and considering leaving her behind. But he simply observed, wondering what hidden secrets Mrs. Doubtfire was saving for the thick of combat. To his trained eye, her confidence in such a barren environment indicated clearly her ability to defend herself.

Eventually the crew caught up to Leon and looked down the mountain to witness the arrival of the horsemen. Using the complex spy equipment that Dozer #1 has constructed for them out of complex sugars they were able to see and hear everything. During this, Jack Crow sneaks off to infiltrate the enemy camp.

Just after dawn the Horsemen arrived via giant hovercraft on the north eastern tip of the island in a place called Cabo O’Higgins.

Larry immediately refused to compete in the battle saying “If I win, everyone will make fun of me for being a nerd, and knowing that Jack Crow’s weakness is kryptonite, and if I lose everyone will make fun of me for being dead! You guys go on ahead and play your silly game.” Larry took a seat, his back resting against a Giant stone head. “This thing looks like Lurch from the Munsters!”

“Dude… Superman is weak against kryptonite… and Lurch is from the Adams Family… Where are we headed now?” Said Josh, amazed that someone could get those things wrong but trying to not make a big deal out of it.

Just when the fight was about to begin over who is in charge; Kiss, followed by Dazzler, walked by (well, rolled by in dazzlers case, somehow she found skates that work on all terrain types.)
“Let’s head to the top of this mountain, and get the lay of the land.” Gene said.

“I think we should just send one person out to scout first doesn’t everyone think that’s a better idea?” Dazzler asked.

“You’re a Hard Luck Woman Dazzler, Now shut up and Let Me Go Rock N Roll.” Responded Gene.

“Ace? Peter? Paul? You guys gonna say something?” asked Dazzler, pressing the group to Override Gene’s rash decision.

“We Are One.” The three men said in unison.

“Ugh… you guys are so gay.” responded Dazzler before finally giving in and following the group up the mountain.

They quickly reached the top of the mountain and noticed that it was, in fact, an active volcano.
“Volcan Puakatike” said Lion-O. “I’ve been here before… Mumm-Ra had disguised himself as this sexy little Lynx and we… ahem… I mean um… I saw the name using The Mystical Sword of Omens!.. yeah… the sword told me what the name of the Volcano is…. Shouldn’t we get down from here? God it’s hot…”

In an awkward silence the group headed down the face of the volcano towards a clearing. No one talked except for Tommy the Green Ranger, who was prodding Lion-O for details. "What it was like to be with a Man….err a Mummy Man… erm mummy… yeah, a mummy what was that like… just you know, cuz a mummy is weird right? Not because I’m curious about him or anything…"

Chris at this point was laughing hysterically at Tommy while Julie, fighting back giggles, was trying to stop Chris’ uproarious laughter.

Then, the group started to feel a slight rumbling as they descended the last few feet of the volcano and Kiss began preparations to set up a make-shift amphitheater.

The rumble had set Blurr on edge but his sensors detected nothing, he reported the lack of activity to Baraka and told him to inform the group that the tremors are probably harmless earthquakes. Baraka had lost interest in the fight because there hadn’t been any actual fighting yet and it’d been hours… he passed on the message and started to antagonize a roadie that looked particularly high strung.

Solomon Grundy was busy wondering if he should be afraid of fire, and then realized he wasn’t Frankenstein's Monster, so no, he shouldn’t.

Harley Quinn seemed lost without “her mister Jay” as she put it… and had spent most of the morning wondering how much fun it'd be if she rocked the roller skates like dazzler. Maybe if the skates had rockets on them or she used a giant jokerface umbrella to catch wind currents and be dragged along they’d be more fun…

Back at Cerro Terevaka The Commandos had Seen the amphitheater go up, and decided to head towards the construction. They were sure that this new structure must have something to do with the upcoming battle. Leon was still getting creeped out by Dora, and Dora was now getting creeped out by Willow, so Hannah decided they should get moving as quick as possible after one more look through Dozers amazing spying equipment.

Suddenly, during sound check at the amphitheater; Jack Crow (who had disguised himself as a kiss roadie) managed to knock over a Moai head and it punched a hole in the base of the volcano large enough for even the largest team member Blurr to enter. Jack seemed to have discovered a secret cave under the Volcano filled with Carvings and small statues depicting various scenes of battle. He also discovered a river of lava, unfortunately he had accomplished this second task by falling into it.

“What the hell is this place, you… you don’t think there are cave squirrels or something down there do you?” worried Julie.

“Wowzers! The Roadie discovered some kind of secret Cave!” Harley squealed, excited that something was finally happening.

“He also seems to have discovered that he isn’t “lava proof”; that dude is Dead”… said Chris, who noticed Jacks hand bursting into flames and slipping under the surface of the lava.

The team minus Dazzler and Kiss who are sound checking and practicing the pyrotechnic timing up above, explored the cave and notice a lot of entrance and exit tunnels that must run the entire length of the island.

They decided to get back topside because the rumbling had become louder and more frequent and they didn’t want to be underground if the place decided to cave-in.

In the shuffle to leave they don’t hear the sounds of bone scraping on stone that appeared to be coming from the caves many entrances and exists.
While the Horsemen were mourning the loss of the roadie, whose name nobody seemed to remember, the Commandos were having other problems.

Their members were disappearing one by one.

At first, Leon, and Dora, and Willow all went missing. Hannah kept the group together and attempted to keep everyone moving. But soon, she was gone as well.

Henry Jones Sr. had analyzed the area where Hannah was seen last and determined that these people have not merely disappeared, they were being taken. He followed drag marks to a pile of stones and noticed that there was air coming from between the cracks in the stone. He motioned to Rick Deckard for help in a moment of strange familiarity that they both promptly dismiss.

“There must be some kind of cave behind here causing this airflow.” Said Deckard. “Help me move these rocks!” Once the rocks had been removed, it became obvious that the rocks were covering up the entrance to a long tunnel.

Thomas Jefferson speaks up “There’s no way the horses are going to fit down there… we know where the enemy is setting up, why don’t those of us who are mounted take positions to their flank and wait for the rest of you to mount your offensive. Maybe these caves lead to that Hole that giant head made when Jack knocked it over. You could surprise them from the rear, and we will rush in from the side overwhelming them and claiming victory!”
The rest of the Commando Cavalry agreed to this flanking maneuver, and they moved to take up position at Punta Cuidado about a mile south of the amphitheater.

The rest of the commandos filed into the tunnel, noting the carvings along the way.



“Ooooh Dearie!” Exclaimed Mrs. Doubtfire “I’ve seen this before! I think I can make some of it out. It says here that one of us will save the island from certain doom… but at great cost… it also says… oh my…”

The others pressed Doubtfire for the rest of the translations but she shrugged them off and said it wasn’t important. They continued reluctantly through the caves, as the rumblings grew louder.

Deep within the caves the clash of bone on rock had grown to a rhythmic thunder. The Tangata Manu had consulted with his ivi-attuas prophet and had discovered that the time was finally upon them. Their Bird Cult had finally reached the point in its history where it could stop hiding and become the savior of the world as foretold in their carvings. The prophets began listening to the island and heard the tales of the great painted ones to the north who were crafting a grand stage to pay tribute to the volcano. On the winds they also heard the tale of the great one who will save the world from the wrath of the island’s active volcano. The Cultists then spread out amongst their tunnels, sacrificial bone knives in hand, to collect the pawns of fate so they may play out their roles in the prophecy.

Meanwhile, a volcanic eruption ripped through the island, causing chaos and confusion. One of the giant heads fell and crushed Larry who had drifted off to sleep propped up against it.

“Think of it as Extra Pyro!” Gene shouted at the team as they launched into their first set. Dazzler’s powers began to amplify. She tested them by firing beams of light into the air, punching holes into the canopy of the Amphitheater. “Easy kid!” yelled Gene “We’re just looking for a light show! Those things are Hotter than Hell, you’re liable to set Heaven on Fire doing it that way!”
“Sorry!” said Dazzler “I was trying to send the beams Into the Void but I missed!”

Underneath the stage the chanting had begun in time to the music. The Bird Cult was holding Dozer #1 tied to a stick above their heads and dancing jubilantly. The other kidnapped teammates were sitting silently watching. His teammates then caught up to him in the tunnel and were preparing to strike when Dozer made them stop.

“WAIT!” shouted Dozer, “I have seen the prophecy! I’m supposed to do this! It’ll save you all and stop the eruptions!”

Everyone stood around confused while the bird men continued to chant and dance, banging their bone implements against the walls of the volcano. The formerly kidnapped teammates explained everything to the group. The prophecy, the carvings, all of it. Reluctantly they all stood down, allowing the bird cultists to continue their odd ritual.

By now the Horsemen had heard Dozer #1’s shouts and realized that the enemy was below them. They flooded into the cave below. Blurr, Lion-O, and Tommy stayed up top to guard the stage from attack. Tommy, however, was lured off by the mannish Williams sisters. He didn’t understand why he was so attracted to them, but he ignored his feelings of confusion and went with them behind a batch of Stone heads.

Lion-O used his Sight Beyond Sight to see what was happening to Tommy. He instantly realized this was a mistake as he witnessed Tommy’s death due to severe cranial and pelvic trauma at the hands of the Williams Sisters. Lion-O couldn’t cope with the horror (either from the violence, or the naked sisters… we’re not sure) and vaulted up to the top of the volcano to throw himself in.

What was seen, could not be unseen, and suicide was clearly his only option. Solomon Grundy attempted to stop him and was almost drug into the mouth of the volcano with him. The last thing the team recalled hearing from Lion-O was “Thundercats HOOOOOooooh god I can still see it when I close my eyes!!!”

Mrs. Doubtfire seized the moments of confusion to begin the combat in the cave. Distressed about Dozer’s impending sacrifice she produced an armament of Oranges which she then began to hurl at the Horsemen.

Chris saved his teammates from the Fruit-Fu attack and consumed all 15 thrown oranges, peel and all. He then staggered off to the stage fearing a reversal of fortune was impending. Julie rushed out to help him.

V then squared off against Baraka, the two circled each other blades in hand… (or.. attached to arms in Baraka’s case), V, viciously cut Baraka to ribbons after vaulting over his head during Baraka’s patented Blade Shredder attack which left his back vulnerable until the flurry of blades stopped. V then headed up to the stage to attempt to launch an attack against whoever he could find.

The Bird Cultists were confused by all of this and grabbed Mrs. Doubtfire to take her to the very top of the volcano alongside Dozer #1. Solomon Grundy stood and watched as he had no intention of pissing off the crazy bird cult. Especially not when the bird cult seemed to be making his work easier for him.

Suddenly Chow Yun Fat rushed to rescue Doubtfire from the cultists. The cultists held Chow at bay for only a few moments before Grundy walked up behind him and tore off both of his arms proceeding to beat him to death with them. Interruptions taken care of, the cultists resumed the sacrifice of “The Great Builder God” and “The Great Unfunny one” as foretold in their Prophecy.

The Cultists said prayers to their builder god and hurled curses at the great unfunny one, throwing the two Commandos into the volcano to their doom.

The rumbling stopped almost immediately. The only sound remaining was the odd silence of Kiss as they waited for the non-existent audience to sing “and party every day.”
They quickly realized that they had become the center of attention and launched into Love Gun, fueling Dazzlers Powers further.

Nearby, Blurr had heard a noise from the south, a great clattering of pots and pans and garbage can lids. He was then very aware of the Commando Cavalry heading his way.

“Flanking Maneuver… more like Clanking Maneuver… Jackass… Why didn’t they give ME the horse?!” grumbled Henry Jones Sr. as the horsemen clattered up to Blurr attempting to lance him down with broom handles that Ahmed had provided to the group.

Blur easily crushed Jefferson, Churchill, and John Adams, He then picked up Ahmed and his clanking horse and punted the mess of splintered bones and crumpled metal into the mouth of the volcano.

Blurr began scanning the landscape for a new target when his circuits were suddenly doused in what can only be described as a torrent of orange peels and bile filled orange juice. The strange fluids were being Projectile Vomited “Ella style” from the once limitless confines of Chris’ stomach. Blurr’s circuits began sparking and smoking, his sensors became unreliable, and he was unable tell which of the seven Rick Deckards on his display was the one that finally retired him.
Chris, still vomiting profusely, stumbled into Julie who lost her balance and reached out to steady herself. She fell to the ground with a hand full of blond hair.

Hannah Montana was PISSED. Now everyone knew her secret, and this woman who caused it must die. She pounced on Julie, knocking Chris into an errant blast from Dazzler, the neatly sliced hole in the base of his skull killing him instantly. The women scratched and clawed viciously at each other until Julie pushed Hanna’s face into another laser like beam of light emitted by Dazzlers Kiss fueled power.
“Uuuh guys, I don’t think my light beams are supposed to be this strong” said Dazzler.

Her cries fell on deaf ears as Love Gun was coming to its close and Gene Simmons drew his “love gun” from a holster. It was a strangely phallic revolver chambered in .454 Casull that he aimed squarely at Leon the Professional.
Leon took the bullet directly to the forehead and fell in a crumpled heap. Dora’s rage could be heard across the entire island as she went into a frenzy. Willow tried to console her but was slammed by a giant accordion boxing glove wielded by Harley Quinn and slumped at the base of the stage.

Gene saw the threat immediately and was drawing a bead on Dora when Dazzler reached sonic overload and exploded. The resulting concussive blast threw gene half way up the mountain and vaporized the rest of the band. The light show produced by this explosion instantly converted the bird cultists into becoming members of the Kiss Army and they all began painting their faces and sticking their tongues out as far as they could.

The blast also vaporized Willow, Harley Quinn, the Williams sisters, Josh, V, and Julie Artrip who were still far too close to the stage to avoid it.

Gene regained consciousness and realized Rick Deckard was standing over him. Rick was clearly about to gun him down. Before that could happen Gene managed to retrieve his Axe Guitar and cut Deckard neatly in two with it.

Dora’s Rage had driven her insane. She threw Boots, Map, and Backpack violently away, all three landing in hissing pools of lava. She then began to charge at Gene.

Professor Henry Jones Sr. was still too busy cracking up at Ahmed Best being punted to notice that he was between the crazed child and the Demon. In her frenzied charge she clipped his leg sending him pin-wheeling into the smoldering remains of the amphitheater where he was crushed by falling debris.

Solomon Grundy then stepped up to protect Mr. Simmons, but was unable to do so, as Dora used the skills she learned from her lost love Leon to remove Grundy’s lower intestine with her bare hands and wrap it around his neck strangling him to death without breaking stride.

In the final act of this gruesome battle Gene and Dora squared off on the side of the Volcano, she kicked Gene Simmons directly in his Family Jewels, his screams echoed across the island. She then took his Axe Guitar from the ground in front of him and with a sickening snap, all was silent.
Only when the paint covered head rolled to a stop, it’s freakishly long tongue lolling out into the dirt did Dora realize the battle was over. Exhausted and saddened, her throat raw from screaming, she began the long, lonely journey back to the helicopter to go home.

“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos ARE VICTORIOUS.

Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 6 Match: Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve.

I look into the locker room and see a ton of people. Amongst the crowd for Better Than All of You is: Thanos, Green Lantern, Mephisto, Agent Smith, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, The Terminator (from T-1), The Terminator (from T-2), Skeletor, Rambo, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, Lex Luthor, Beachhead, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, Gandalf the White, Grey Hulk, Abomination, Flash, Black Suit Spiderman, Batman (Jean Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Yogurt, Lonestar and Barf, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Nick Fury, Baron Zemo, Ghost Rider (Jonny Blaze), Deathlok, Red Skull, Tombstone, Wolfsbane, Terry Funk, Reptile, Bishop, Sagat, David Dunn, Smoke, Mr. Mind, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Loki & Bartleby, Triple H, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Cobra Commander, RVD & Sabu, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid, The Blues Bros., Doc Holiday, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Megadeth, Dozer #6, Orcs #1-12, Ninja Pirates #3 and 4, Predators #1, and 3-13, Terminators #1-13, Army Soldiers #1-8, & N.S.-5s #1-12.

Lex Luthor: It is time that we show the Kennelz that they are but meager dogs!

Red Skull: Dogs that are not worthy of licking our boots! We are the superior race!

Cobra Commander (high pitched): Yessssss!

I then look into the locker room at Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Ares, Mace Windu with Jedi Padawan #30, Galactus and Nova, Apollo, Hercules, Anakin Skywalker in an F-18, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1-2 and 4-5, Jade, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal, and Lockjaw, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Jack Bauer on a Ducatti, Curtis Manning, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Gimli son of Gloin, Scorpnonok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Borath, (Beast Wars) Megatron, Lord Voldemort, Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrmm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday, The Matrix Twins, Peter Petrelli, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Quills, Big Barda, Fin Fang Foom, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, & Razorclaw, Sky Lynx, Nazgul #2 w/ Fell Beast, Blue Dragons #1-12, and Samurai #1-12.

Mace Windu: This will not be an easy battle - but it is a battle that we can win!

Jack Bauer: Our only objective is to win! Nothing else! Remember, the ends justify the means!

I teleport the teams to the battlefield.

Due to the sheer numbers of combatants, the Better Than Team decides to separate into battalions. The Kennelz, seeing the Better Than Team forming battalions, decides to form squads in response. They face off as follows:

Squad 1 against Battalion 3:
Squad 1:
Mace Windu leads Jedi Padawan #30, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Ahsoka Tano, Jade, Samurai #1-12, Gimli son of Gloin, and Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18.
Battalion 3:
Nick Fury leads Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Army Soldiers #1-8, Rambo, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid, Lonestar and Barf, Ninja Pirates #3-4, N.S.5’s #1-12, Batman (Jean Paul Valley) and Beachhead.

Nick Fury and Mace Windu lead their teammates into battle. Anakin Skywalker flies his F-18 over the combatants. He lays down a sheet of fire with his plane’s Gatling gun. The bullets kill Army Soldiers #3-7. Ninja Pirates #3 and 4 finishes the job by severing the various appendages of Army Soldiers #1-2 and #8. The Ninja Pirates then rush at the Samurai #1-12, feeling confident that their skills will equally match their opponents. The battle is furious. Although Ninja Pirates #3 and #4 slice and dice through Samurai #1-4, remaining Samurai #5-12 kill Ninja Pirates #3 and 4. The N.S.5’s step into the fray. They combine their robotic forces to kill Samurai #5-7. Samurai #8-12 destroy N.S.5’s #3-6. The remaining robots finish off Samurai #8-12. Gimli of Gloin steps in and with his battle axe destroys N.S.5’s #1-2. Young Jedi Knights #1-10 wield their light sabers and slice through the remaining N.S.5’s #7-12. With advanced military weaponry and enhanced combat skills, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and Rambo manage to kill all Young Jedi Knights #1-10. The British Bulldogs see Gimli. The wrestlers utilize their aristocratic prowess to “dwarf toss” Gimli into the blades of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Gimli is sliced into three small pieces. Jade takes revenge of her fallen comrades and strikes down both British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid. Batman (Jean Paul Valley) with his advanced weaponry and acrobatics dispatches Jade. Mace Windu, Jedi Padawan #30 and Ahsoka Tano storm the Battalion 3 team. With lightsabers swinging, the Jedi easily deflect the firepower of Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead. Once upon the masculine soldiers, the Jedi either decapitate or mortally wound all three. Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead die. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow attack the Jedi Padawan at the same time, believing he will be the most viable kill. They are correct. Although a mere Padawan, he manages to hold his own against the two warriors, but eventually succumbs to their overpowering fury. With Jedi Padawan #30 dead, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes focus on Ahsoka Tano. Seeing his own Padawan in trouble, Skywalker fires two heat seeking torpedoes into the duo. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes explode into G.I.Joe/Cobra bits. Mace Windu, as leader of his Squad, takes charge and finishes off Valley.

Lonestar (ignites his saber): I like the way you use that thing Windu! Let’s see how well. . .
Windu slices through Lonestar before he has time to finish his sentence.

Windu: Do you have anything to say?

Barf: Not really.

Windu: Didn’t think so. [Windu slices Barf in half].

Squad 2 against Battalion 4.
Squad 2:
Galactus leads Nova and the Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal and Lockjaw, and Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5.
Battalion 4:
Lex Luthor leads Thanos, Flash, Batman Beyond, Black Suit Spiderman, Deathlok, Reptile, The Terminator (T2), Wolfsbane, Bishop, Megadeth, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, and Mr. Mind.

Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5 combine their ring powers and smash The Terminator (T2).

Green Lantern #2: Don’t think you’ll be back from that!

Thanos uses his powers that manipulate energy and matter to kill Green Lanterns #1-2. Before Green Lanterns #4-5 can retaliate, Deathlok fires his weapon and kills Lantern #4. Black Suit Spiderman manages to shoot his webs and snags Lantern #5 by his left foot. Spiderman then brings him down on the ground, stunning the Lantern #5. Before the Lantern can cut the webs, Wolfsbane jumps him and tears him apart. The Cobra Crimson Guard Commanders Tomax and Xamot are met by Karnak. Karnak uses his ability to sense the weak point of Xamot, and with his martial arts’ skills, kills Xamot by striking him repeatedly next to his heart. Lockjaw comes upon the scene and the Inhuman dog crushes Tomax in his jaws. Thanos flies up to the Inhuman martial artist and dog and kills them. Thus, Karnak and Lockjaw are no more. Flash runs into the fray. Gorgon stomps the ground and creates a shockwave which knocks Flash down. Medusa uses her prehensile hair to capture the speedster and then strangle Flash to death. Batman Beyond is in a hand-to-hand combat match with Triton. After the two savage each other, they pull out their “toys.” Before Batman can use his utility belt, Triton skewers him.

Triton: Always wanted to make a Bat-Kabob.

Black Bolt opens his mouth and uses his destructive hypersonic voice to shred Thanos. Bishop then uses his futuristic weaponry and fires upon Crystal. Wolfsbane enters the fight and begins tearing at Crystal’s body. Crystal, although mortally wounded, manages to use her manipulation skills of air and smashes Bishop and Wolfsbane together with such force it kills the two combatants. Crystal then dies. Black Bolt, Gorgon and Triton combine forces and destroy Black Suit Spiderman and Deathlok. Reptile uses his Kombat powers to skewer Triton, just as Triton did to his teammate before. Mr. Mind uses his hypnotic powers of mind manipulation to have Black Bolt kill Medusa. Furious, Gorgon squishes Mr. Mind underneath his large feet.

Luthor and Megadeth are left standing. As Galactus and Nova begin to come for the death blow Megadeth begins to sing:

I am a sniper, Always hit the mark; Paid assassin,Working after dark.
Looking through the night, Using infra-red, My target’s on you; Aimed at your head. $10.000 up front, $10.000 when I'm through; And I know just what to do, And ya know I'll do it too.
Then I'm coming back for you; Back for you!

Galactus: You will come back for no one!

Nova uses her galactic powers to kill all members of Megadeth.
Galactus looks at Luthor and in an instant Luthor is destroyed.

Squad 3 against Battalion 1.
Squad 3:
Lord Voldemort leads Blue Dragons #1-12, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, Fin Fang Foom, The Matrix Twins, and Quills.
Battalion 1:
Gandalf the White leads Mephisto, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Orcs #1-12. Abomination, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Grey Hulk, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Yogurt, Green Lantern, Doc Holiday, and Dozer #6.

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Voldemort: I do not intend to pass. I intend to destroy you!

Voldemort and Gandalf are in the middle of a pitched battle of spells while the other combatants fight. Quills uses his quill projectiles to cut down Dozer #6. Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 easily dispatch with Jedi Guardians #1 and 2. Blue Dragons #1-12 use their lightning breaths to ignite the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Marshmallow Man’s skin sizzles and he eventually catches fire and explodes. The Marshmallow Man’s goopy body parts splatter over Orcs #1-12. The goop essentially traps the Tolkien warriors, who are unable to significantly move. The Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 use this to their advantage and cut through the Orcs #1-12 (although Dark Jedi Master #32 is a casualty of the fracas). Grey Hulk and Abomination combine their superior strengths and take on the Blue Dragons. The Marvel monsters manage to destroy Dragons #3-7. Meanwhile, Ghost Rider uses his demonic chain to strangle Blue Dragon #1 and Green Lantern uses his ring to destroy Blue Dragons #2 and #8. Grey Hulk and Abomination then destroy the remaining Blue Dragons #9-12. Unfortunately, Abomination dies from his wounds.

Doc Holiday: What’s going on Huckleberry?

Quills: Your death.

Before Quills is able to shoot his quills at the Western warrior, Doc Holiday guns him down like the vermin he is. The Matrix Twins use their powers to surround and kill Holiday.

Mephisto uses his magic manipulation ability and joins Gandalf in his fight to destroy Voldemort. The combined power of the two magic wielders is too much and Gandalf and Mephisto destroy Voldemort.

Fin Fang Foom screeches on the scene and destroys Yogurt and Ghost Rider, without much adieu. The remaining Battalion members: Grey Hulk, Green Lantern and Mephisto, Gandalf then destroy Fin Fang Foom. The Dark Jedi Masters #31 and 33-39 storm the Battalion, filled with rage and revenge. Although the Masters manage to kill Grey Hulk and Green Lantern, they are eventually all killed with only Gandalf and Mephisto remaining from the skirmish.

Squad 4 against Battalion 5.
Squad 4:
Dr. Doomsday leads Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules.
Battalion 5:
Cobra Commander leads Agent Smith, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini, The Terminator (T1), and Ninja Pirates #3 and 4.

Dr. Doomsday: Commander. Surrender now and I promise that your deaths will be merciful. If you even attempt to fight . . .

Cobra Commander: Stop right there Dr. Doomsday! Don’t think we’re that stupid to lay down our arms! Fight we shall – onward to victory! And Doctor - time for your team’s medication – Better Than style!

The two teams run at each other. Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm and Twisted Mentat #1 take on Gwar. Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty and Oderus Urungus manage to destroy Mentat #1, with all of their combined “Gwarian” abilities. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, easily dispatch with Jizmack da Gusha and Slymenstra Hymen. Big Barda joins the fray and with Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, manage to destroy Gwarmates: The Sexecutioner, Sleazy P. Martini, and Balsac the Jaws of Death. Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty take on Hrrm and manage to overpower the brute and eventually kill him. Annihilus uses his cosmic control rod and disintegrates Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty. Agent Smith warps reality and destroys Barbarossa. Ares, Apollo and Hercules then come on the scene and use their combined powers to pummel Agent Smith to death.

Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast swoops down on the combatants and destroys Ninja Pirate #3. Ninja Pirates #4 reacts to the death of his friend and, with perfect timing, jumps on the back of the Fell Beast. Although he knows that it will kill him too, he is willing to sacrifice himself for his comrades. The Pirate repeatedly stabs the Fell Beast. The Fell Beast, in its death throws, plummets to the grasslands below, killing itself, Nazgul #2 and the Ninja Pirates # 4.

Dr. Doomsday sees the Terminator and brutalizes the robot into pieces. Cobra Commander is the only battalion-mate left standing.

Dr. Doomsday: So much for my medicine!

Cobra: I will see you another day my doctor friend!

Dr. Doomsday: First, I’m no Doctor. Second, no you won’t.

Doomsday crushes Cobra Commander’s skull and throws his body in a heap amongst the others.


Squad 5 against Battalion 2.
Squad 5:
Megatron (Beast Wars) leads Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, and Razorclaw, and Sky Lynx.
Battalion 2:
Red Skull and Skeletor lead Baron Zemo, Tombstone, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Smoke, Predators #1, 3-13, Loki and Bartleby.

The Predacons immediately attack the Predators. The Predacons manage to destroy Predators #1 and 3-5. Before Predator 3 dies, he uses his nuclear device to destroy Rampage, Tantrum and Headstrong. Scorponok with Lord Zarak easily rip apart The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, with its claws. The remaining Predacons attack the Predators once again and kill them all. Mindwipe and Vorath hypnotize Baron Zemo and Tombstone to act as carefree flower children and free spirits. They two come into the path of the remaining Predacons Divebomb and Razorclaw.

Zemo: Hey man, what do you say?

Tombstone: Peace and love guys. Peace and love.

Divebomb and Razorclaw rip apart the hypnotized combatants. Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze) manages to destroy Divebomb, but is then taken out by Sky Lynx. Smoke attempts to use his powers on Sky Lynx and is struck down by Skeletor’s sword. Loki and Bartleby use their angelic powers to destroy Razorclaw. Sky Lynx uses his Transformer weaponry to shred Loki and Bartleby’s wings apart. Megatron uses this to his advantage and destroys the seraphs.

Red Skull and Skeletor are left, knowing their deaths are imminent. They rush at the Squad and are riddled and shredded apart by the weaponry of Megatron, Scorponok and Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath and Sky Lynx.

Squad 6 against Battalion 6.
Squad 6:
Jack Bauer (on a Ducati) leads Curtis Manning, Peter Petrelli, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES.
Battalion 6:
Hulk Hogan leads Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk, The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, The Blues Brothers, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Terminators #1-13, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu, and Sagat.

Hulk Hogan leads his wrestling teammates into battle. Hulk Hogan is joined by the Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk and The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard against The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull). Michael Vick (having pumped himself up while in jail) manages to snap the neck of Arn Anderson. Ole Anderson and Rick Flair, infuriated at the death of Arn, attack Vick at the same time. Between Ric Flair’s atomic drop and Ole Anderson’s chokeslam, Vick goes down for the count – forever. Brandon Inge, although a scrappy “Tiger” with heart, is no match for the skills of Terry Funk. Funk uses a spinning bulldog to finish Inge. Dexter the Dog rushes at Tully Blanchard and tears apart Blanchard’s groin with its teeth. Blanchard bleeds out and dies. Seeing that the dog is in a frenzy, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock come to the aid of their teammates. After they surround the dog, it is only a matter of minutes before they subdue Dexter and break its neck.

Macho Man (sees Oblak waiting for his turn to face the wrestlers): Come on! [Oblak rushes at Macho Man]. Oh yeah!!!! [Macho Man easily stops Oblak]. Snack into a slim jim, b@$ch! [Macho Man uses a Michinoko driver to finish Oblak].

Bauer, on his Ducati, skids his bike through the wrestlers, while firing his guns at the same time. The force of the bike striking the men manages to crush Ole Anderson. Curtis Manning, right behind Bauer, begins repeatedly unloading his guns into the wrestlers. Bauer and Manning kill Terry Funk, Ric Flair and Triple H. Peter Petrelli, invisible (using the leeched abilities of previous “heroes”) sneaks up from behind and kills Macho Man. Petrelli then uses another ability to “push” Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock to fight and subsequently kill their own teammates, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu. While distracted, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES kill Hogan, Austin and The Rock. While focusing on the “pushees”, Petrelli does not notice Sagat come from behind. Sagat snaps Petrelli’s neck. Bauer and Manning then unload their weapons on Sagat and kill him.

A fevered battle takes place between Terminators #1-13 and Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES. Uncle Sam is extremely powerful due to his Squad’s patriotism and manages to destroy Terminators #1-3 by himself. Citizen Steel manages to destroy Terminators #4 and 5, but is eventually subdued and killed by Terminator #9. The Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES take out Terminators #10-12, but are also eventually killed by the Terminators. Uncle Sam then kills the remaining Terminators #6-9.

The Blues Brothers see all of the carnage and decide to run. Bauer and Manning stop them.

Bauer: Where are your other teammates?

Elwood Blues: What are you talking about man?

Bauer: You know exactly what I’m talking about! Where is the meeting point for your team?!?

Elwood: I don’t know.

Bauer (signals Curtis Manning who shoots Jake in the head): Last chance!

Elwood: Die you pig scum!

Bauer shoots Elwood: Take us to the others (says to Uncle Sam who flies Bauer and Manning away).

Those left from the carnage arrive at the final battle site:
Better Than: Gandalf and Mephisto
Kennelz: Mace Windu Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18, Galactus, Nova, Black Bolt, Gorgon, Dr. Doomsday, Ajax, Annihilus, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules, Megatron (Beast Wars), Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Sky Lynx, Jack Bauer, Curtis Manning and Uncle Sam.

The fight lasts only seconds as the superior force devastates the remaining Better Than duo.

MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS!!!!!