Season 8, Week 2 Match: John and Vader House of Sith Aids vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“Suddenly I stop,
But I know it’s too late;
I’m lost in the forest,
All alone.”

                                   The Cure, "A Forest"

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 8, Week 2 Match located in the Forest of Hyrule.  They are as follows:

John and Vader House of Sith Aids : Zombie Master Chief, Zombie Yoda, Zett Jukassa, Young Avengers: Patriot, Wiccan, Hulkling, Hawkeye, Stature, Speed and Iron Lad, The Leader, Jaina Solo, R.O.M. the Spaceknight and Vengeance.  

Team Sleeping Pussy: Manbearpig, Al Gore, Webstor, Moss Man, Tunnel Rat, Pikachu, Hamato Yoshi with purple lightsaber, Xenomorphs 1-4, Quicksilver, Lizard and Obi Wan Kenobi’s Spirit.  

Let the battle begin. . .

In the Zelda inspired realm, Zett Jukassa wields his lightsaber as Xenomorphs 1 through 4 swarm the young Jedi trainee.  Jukassa spins and slices through Xenomorph 2.  Xenomorphs 1, 3 and 4 simultaneously attack the youngling, tearing him apart before Zombie Master Chief has the opportunity to drop from the branches above.  Although a bit slower due to his decaying body, Zombie Master Chief still manages to clamp his finger firmly down on the trigger of his brutal weapon, spraying a flurry of projectiles at the remaining Xenomorphs.   Xenomorphs 1 and 4 are shredded, but Xenomorph 3 strikes and tears Master Chief’s arm off.  As the militant’s weapon falls to the ground, the undead fails to notice Tunnel Rat spring from a ramshackle trap door located on the ground.  The G.I. Joe character fires a well placed bullet through the helmet of Zombie Master Chief, spraying the undead’s brain matter across the forest floor.  

Tunnel Rat laughs at the kill and mumbles to himself:  Everyone, even the undead should know to pay attention to your surroundings. . . and knowing that is half the battle.

Just as Tunnel Rat is about to creep back into his hidden lair, the Joe’s head is lopped off by Zombie Yoda.  Xenomorph 3 is killed by Jaina Solo.

Yoda looks to the body of Tunnel Rat: Know this now you do.  Messes with this team’s undead, no one does. 

While the skirmish finishes in one area of the forest, another fight is on the precipice of its beginning.

Al Gore stands is a clearing, speaking to no one in particular as no visible combatants can be seen. 

Al Gore:  Let this Forest of Hyrule be preserved so that generations of those in the FFL may enjoy their beautiful surroundings.  Nature is essential to our livelihood and happiness.  We must enjoy the grandeur foliage that encases our lives.  Let me continue to say. . .

As Gore rambles on, the Leader utilizes his gamma irradiated ability to predict probable outcomes of tactical and strategic scenarios.  The villain skips a rock across a hanging branch, which scuttles across to another tree, striking a large, deadened limb.  The wooden husk crashes down on Gore’s skull, instantly killing him. 

The Leader: Enjoy that foliage you ignoramus. 

While the Leader laughs, he fails to notice Manbearpig waddle behind him.  The South Park beast tears into the Leader, who dies before his body hits the ground. 

A few of the Young Avengers scream onto the scene, with their sole objective being to destroy the filthy beast that just killed their teammate.  Hawkeye shoots Manbearpig in the left eye with a well placed arrow.  Iron Lad uses an energy blast to scorch the hairs which cover the animal.   Finally, Hulkling transforms into a mirror image of Manbearpig and throws the injured Pussy to the ground. Patriot leaps into the air and coming down, uses his triangular shield to decapitate Manbearpig.  Hawkeye, Iron Lad and Patriot look to Hulkling, who is still in Manbearpig guise.

Hawkeye:  You smell.

Hulkling transforms back into his human form: No worse than you.  While I was Manbearpig I smelled your essence.

Hawkeye:  Essence?

Hulkling:  That time of the month, huh?

Hawkeye: Doesn’t affect me, you a-hole!

Iron Lad and Patriot laugh heartily at their teammate’s exchange.

Near a small lake in the forest, Obi Wan Kenobi’s Spirit discusses lightsaber forms with Hamato Yoshi, further increasing the skill already held by the ninjitsu. Jaina Solo storms onto the scene.  Although Yoshi matches abilities with Jaina Solo with his purple lightsaber, Zombie Yoda enters the fray and the two Jedi are too much for Yoshi, as the Sword of the Jedi slices Yoshi in two. Meanwhile, the Young Avenger Wiccan begins to spin his hands, warping reality and in turn, casting a spell to bring the Spirit of Kenobi into the material world.  A motorcycle is heard as Vengeance screams into the melee.  Vengeance uses his protruding spikes and throwing them, embeds more than two dozen into the solid Spirit of Kenobi, who upon his death, dissipates once again.

Quicksilver races into the skirmish and uses his mutant-enhanced ability to catch up with the running Young Avenger, Speed.  The elder statesman easily dispatches with the lesser Speed.   Quicksilver then races to Yoda.  Due to the failings of the undead to utilize the essence of the Force since they are no longer living, Yoda is unable to overcome Quicksilver’s whirlwind and the Jedi’s desiccated corpse is destroyed by the mutant.  

As Hulkling, Hawkeye, Iron Lad and Patriot arrive, the Lizard surprises the team by jumping from lake.  Lizard grabs Hawkeye and drags her to the bottom of the murky waters, drowning her.  R.O.M. the Spaceknight comes upon the lake and as the Spiderman villain surfaces, the Marvel hero uses his neutralizer and sends the Lizard through a dimensional portal, killing him. 

Moss Man comes out from his camouflaged hiding place and is joined by fellow He-Man nemesis, Webstor.  Webstor spins his webs and encases Stature.  The Young Avenger diminishes in size, but the webbing does not release her.  In an attempt to free herself, she quickly grows.  Unfortunately, the webs do not break, but instead, slice her into many pieces; Stature dies.  Moss Man manages to injure Patriot, but is killed by Iron Lad.   Webstor is killed by R.O.M. and Jaina Solo.  The strength, speed and maturity of Quicksilver allow him to dispel with Patriot and Hulkling.  Nonetheless, Quicksilver is killed by the combined efforts of Wiccan, Solo and Vengeance.

A lone Pikachu faces the remaining Aids.

Pikachu:  Pikachu.  Pikachu!!!

Pikachu uses volt tackle to electrically rip into Iron Lad and R.O.M. the Spaceknight, who are burned within their suits.  A worn Pikachu looks to Jaina Solo, Wiccan and Vengeance, knowing that its time is up.

Pikachu: Pikachu. . .

 

Week 2: Consortium Match

The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Real Man's Rabble Rousers

The Horsemen are:
-Tefral the Surveyor
-Arishem the Judge
-Hargen the Measurer
(Those 3 ^ are Celestials)
-Swamp Thing
-Black Tom Cassidy
-Elite Storm Trooper #11-20

The Rabble Rousers are:
-The Bloodpack
-Nyssa
-Asad
-Reinhardt
-Chupa
-Snowman
-Priest
-Verlane
-Lighthammer
(ALL MEMBERS OF THE BLOODPACK HAVE 9 DEATHS).

-Tombstone
-Wolfsbane
-CIA Agent Bryan Mills

-The Expendables
-Lee Xmas
-Gunnar Johnson (w/ red lightsaber)
-Toll Road (w/ a black lightsaber)
-Hale Caesar
-Toll Road
(ALL MEMBERS OF THE EXPENDABLES HAVE 9 DEATHS)

-Elite Clone Trooper #32-33
-Snow Trooper #32-37
-Starship Trooper #98-99


In a vote of 4 to 3...

THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!


In this close match, only Black Tom Cassidy of The Horsemen survives.

Wheels begin to turn...

The hums of the murder machines slowly grinds to a stop as the finish off their gruesome purpose. Their operator hurries out of the clubhouse of TEAM- the final stop of his magical, misery muder tour for week on. He leaves in a hurry, anxious to see the results of his own personal addition to this henious chore.

As he makes his way to his destination, he looks at the palatial palace of the Watchers and an evil smirk finds it's way to his face.

"Oh, if you could only SEE what the stars hold for you. But alas you'll be Forced to WATCH as it all CrasHEs down."

He makes his way to his den, and begins to check the readings on his machines.

"Energy can never REALLY be destroyed. It must GO somewhere." he begins to cackle. "Not enough to arouse suspicion" he thinks to himself "And by the time they do see it'll be too late. Week 9 TRULY will be their KILLER wEEK!"

He then turns his attention to another set of readings, and satistfied with their reports he vidchats his accomplice

"Yes. The findings are solid." he whispers- suddenly aware of how loud he actually speaks "The bends are appearing, the fractures will follow. No one will notice, as the 8 has been silenced. It's aLL coming toGETHER." he begins to giggle. His partner issues a silent nod of affirmation and logs off.

The manic man begins to sign an odd song horribly off key, one that holds a twisted meaning to him

"Oh!  wRItten in THe STaRS. A Million MILEs away! A MESSAGE to the Main!  OhhHH, SEasons ComE and GO. But I wiLL nevER chaNGe! And I'm On mY WAYYYYYyyyYYYYYY!!!"

S8 Week 1 Standings

S8W1: Horsemen vs. Slaves

Fans of the FFL were anxiously filling into Comfort Inn Stadium, home of the Slaves in anticipation of another exciting season.

And why shouldn’t the Slave faithful be excited?

The Slaves always seem to be contenders out of the Stan Lee Conference and this year should be no exception.

Not to mention a strong, early test awaited the Slaves as they were to take on the Horsemen of the Apokolips in what was to be an epic battle to kick off the 2015 FFL season.

Speaking of the Horsemen, over in the visitor’s locker room, Professor X had his team cool, calm and collected. Upon posting the lineup card on the wall for the team and media we’d learn that Cyclopes would lead the Horsemen on the mound while former slow pitch softball pitcher Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki would be warming up in the bullpen. It was somewhat of a gamble by Charles Xavier considering the question marks surrounding Poteracki and his transition from slow pitch softball to the rigors of the FFL baseball league. Either way the Horsemen were ready and satisfied with their positional roles except for Brandon Inge who threw an occasional bitch for playing utility infield instead of third base but that was quickly quelled. Besides, the Horsemen didn’t have time for infighting. The team was eager to get out to a hot start after their embarrassing loss to the Sisterhood in last year’s playoffs.

However, as the Horsemen were about to take the field for pre-game warm ups, a loud explosion could be heard from the Slaves’ side of the field followed by a pungent aroma emanating out from the home team’s dugout.

Rushing to investigate what happened; FFL Security came to a grisly sight…

Dead bodies of Slaves’ team members lay strewn across the locker room. There was blood everywhere as well as the torn stink sac of Stinkor handing out of his mangled body. But among the carnage, Superman sat at his locker stall looking bewildered and in obvious shock.

“What happened?!” A member of the security team asked?

A shaken Superman replied, “I killed them, I killed them all…” as his face dug back into his hands.

“But why?!” the security personnel asked.

“Why?” Superman said. “The Slaves front office provided us with a roster but no position assignments” sobbed Superman. “Nolan Ryan came in and said he was going to pitch”

His voice growing more angry “I told him I’d be damned if I was going to let a 68 year old pitcher start for this team! Especially against the Horsemen!”

Superman continued, “He (Nolan Ryan) then threw a baseball at my head and a brawl ensued…”

“I swear I didn’t mean to kill anybody!” pleaded Superman who at this time was sobbing uncontrollably.

Looking over the devastation a security guard said “Damn, not even his own father was safe”.

S8W1: Midgets vs. Rabble Rousers

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are:  

Mr. Mizpitelik (Earth-3) (Manager)

Venom (Flash Thompson) (SS)

Longshot (C)

Azazel (w/ Dooku Red Saber and Deadpool’s Red Saber) (CF)

Duncan Idaho Ghola #5 (RF)

Dean Cain (w/ Blue Lightsaber) (LF)

Mike Troup (1B)

Scrimmell (2B)

Simmell (3B)

Kintaro (Starting Pitcher)

Bat-Boy (Bat boy/DH)

Dave Goverde (Utility)

Nick-Nack (PH)

Teek (Pinch Runner)

Anthony “Tony” DiNozzo (Middle Relief)

Deadshot (Closing Pitcher)

The Real Men’s Rabble Rousers are:

Lloyd Carr (Manager)

Odd Job (1B)

Jules Winnfield (2B)

Vincent Vega (SS)

Vampire Count Dooku (3B)

Franklin Clay (LF)

Jake Jenson (CF)

William Rogue (RF)

Maria Hill (w/Jetpack) (C)

Agent Colsen (w/ Destroyer Gun) (Starting Pitcher)

Rubeus Hagrid (DH)

The Burger King (Utility)

Rob Bartlett (Jedi Padawan) (Utility)

Johnny Cage (Pinch Hitter)

Jeb Bush (Middle Relief)

Nancy Pelosi (Closing Pitcher)

Lloyd Carr is livid. He is screaming as his starting pitcher is being arrested before the game has even begun.

“I am a SHIELD agent! Unhand me!” Screams Colsen. The California State Troopers and FBI agents do not seem to care. In fact, they take pride every time they get a chance to take a shit on the constitution and arrest someone for violation of the state’s absurd gun laws. The head agent tells Carr that he got a tip from someone at the field that Colsen had an illegal weapon that was not registered with the state. On top of that, the gun had a removable magazine and the chamber is not configured for microstamping.

Nancy Pelosi smugly walks up to Carr. “Aww, that sucks. Guess I’ll have to get the start today.”

90 painful minutes later, the top of the first ends. Pelosi has thrown over eighty pitches, 16 balks, and she has sweated through granny panties and into her pants suit. The reigning champs have batted through the order 3 and a half times. Cain and Troup had back to back home runs twice. In between innings, Carr changes the game plan.

“Clearly we are not going to win unless we change their lineup a bit.” Says Carr.  He begins to set up a little sabotage.

Maria Hill charges toward the Midgets dugout before they can take the field.  She ignites her jetpack and in a kamikaze ball of flame, is able to take out Troup, Cain, Goverde, Simmell, Scrimmell, and Kintaro. Rubeus Hagrid uses his magic umbrella to kill Tony Dinozzo. Mr. Mizpitelik runs from the dugout and is face to face with Johnny Cage.

FATALITY!

The umpire calls time just before Mizpitelik’s head hits the ground. He points to the Rabble Rousers dugout and orders Lloyd Carr out to the plate.

“Hmm.  Looks like they don’t have enough players. Do they forfeit?” asks Carr.

“Actually,” says the Ump, “You and your team is in violation of MLB Rule 4.15(b). Or, since you were the home team, I guess you could be in violation of 3.18 as well.  Take your pick, the result is the same, old man.”

An angry Carr and the rest of the Rabble Rousers storm off the field, and into the FFL woodchipper!

Season 8 Week: Commandos vs. Grindhouse

Barrack Obama and Miley Cyrus' touring Battalion of Commandos are: Alan Thicke (P), Kirk Cameron, (RP), Hannibal of Crete (C), Mohammed Ali (1), Chow Yun Fat (2), Adam Hernandez (SS), Robin Thicke (3), Katy Perry (RF), Sporty Spice (CF), Dave Grohl (LF), John Adams (DH), Thomas Jefferson (IF), James Baldwin (OF), John Henry (PH), Joan Jett (Closer), and Brad Pitt (Manager).

Beckerman presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse featuring: Tom Brady (3), Spider-Girl (SS), Bruiser (C), Swiftheart Rabbit (P), Cody Jones, (RF), Warwolf #1 (2), Warwolf #2 (LF), Warwolf #3 (CF), Warwolf #4 (IF), Warwolf #5 (OF), Warwolf #6 (RP), Warwolf #7 (Closer), Warwolf #8 (DH), Warwolf #9 (PH), Warwolf #10 (1), and Ryder (Manager).

Spin-off sitcom pitch: Years after his divorce, Dr. Jason Seaver is finally putting his life back together, fueled by the hope of finally becoming an MLB pitcher despite his advanced age. He is joined by his ultra right wing, yet well meaning son, Mike. Can this wacky pair overcome their differences to help give an old man a second chance at living his dream?

Starring Alan Thicke as Dr. Jason Seaver.
Co-starring Kirk Cameron as Mike Seaver.

"Throwing Pains" is filmed before a live studio audience. (* denotes audience reaction)

Mike Seaver sits alone in a well furnished living room and is reading his Bible.
Dr. Jason Seaver enters through the front door.

*Applause

Jason Seaver: Hey son, how's your day been?
Mike Seaver: Great dad, just spending a little time with my other Father.
JS: (Looks at camera) There he goes again!

*Catchprase laughter

MS: Very Funny. Where have you been all day?
JS: Well son, if I'm going to make it to the big leagues, I had been start practicing. I put some fliers up around the neighborhood inviting everyone to a pick up baseball game. Let's see how many people have the guts to face the ol' Seaver Heater!
MS: But dad, why baseball? I thought you played football in school. Wasn't your nickname 'The Receiving Seaver?'
JS: No son, that was your cheating whore of a mother's nickname.

*Hooting and hollering

MS: Daaaad!

*Laughter

Their conversation is interrupted by the doorbell

JS: I'll get it!

The door opens to reveal Brad Pitt, Chow Yun Fat, and Mohammed Ali.

*Guest star applause

Brad Pitt: Good afternoon Dr. Seaver. My friends and I thought maybe a couple of famous faces would help raise a few extra dollars for your charity baseball game today. What do you say?
MS: Charity?
JS: (Aside to Mike) Just go with it.

*Laughter

JS: Of course you boys are more than welcome to join us! Have a seat for now. We'll start game planning in a bit.

The guest stars are seated as the doorbell rings again.

JS: I'll get it!

Dr. Seaver opens the door and finds John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Baldwin, John Henry, and Hannibal of Crete on the other side.

*Guest star applause

John Adams: Greetings Dr. Seaver! Surely a few historical figures will boost the popularity of you baseball game!
JS: Naturally! Glad to have you all, just make yourselves at home.

The historical figures and the celebrities strike up a conversation. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell rings again.

JS: I'll get it!

This time it is Adam Hernandez, and he is holding a trophy.

*Standing ovation

Adam: I have a delivery for Jason Seaver. Here's the MVP trophy you ordered, and here is you name engraved on it, just like you asked for.
MS: Daaaad!

*Laughter

JS: This must be some kind of mistake. I didn't order a trophy, I ordered an all-star shortstop! What do you say, kid? Are you in?
Adam: Quite frankly, I'm not sure that I have much of a choice.

*Laughter

JS: Great! Welcome to the team! (Aside to Adam) You can just put that trophy on the mantle when you walk by.

*Laughter

Adam: Sigh, whatever.

*Laughter

Adam sets the MVP trophy atop the Seaver's fireplace and mingles with his new teammates. The doorbell inevitably rings for a fouth time.

JS: I'll get it!

Dave Grohl, Katy Perry, Sporty Spice, Joan Jett, and Robin Thicke appear at the front door.

*Guest star applause

JS: If it isn't my distant cousin Robin Thicke and his musical friends! Are you guys here to play too?
Dave Grohl: We have heeded The Call!
Joan Jett: Rock and roll!
Katy Perry: ROAR!
Sporty Spice Zig a zig zaa!
Robin Thicke: I believe these daft c*nts mean to say we're in.

*Laughter

JS: Alright gang, looks like we have ourselves a ball club! Let's get...
MS: No! Dad, I refuse to be associated in any way with someone who makes the choice to live an alternative lifestyle! Burn in Hell Joan Jett!

*Oooooooooooo

Mike Seaver races up the stairs to his bedroom.

JS: (looks into camera) There he goes again!

*Uproarious Laughter

Jason Seaver climbs the stairs to speak with his son. He opens the door to find Mike furiously scanning his Bible to find spiritual strength.

JS: Son, listen to me. I...
MS: No dad, you listen. You knew my beliefs wouldn't allow me to play with that lesbian, but you didn't care. Noooooo, it's always about your big comeback, and nothing else matters! Some father you are!

JS: Your beliefs? Of course that's it. How could I be so insensitive? I'm sure it has nothing to do with what's in your closet, right son?
MS: I... don't know what you're talking about dad.
JS: Of course you don't.

Jason Seaver walks over to mike's closet and slowly opens it.

MS: Dad! No!

The back of the closet door has a vintage Joan Jett poster hung on the back.

*Gasp

JS: Seems like someone's taking their old crush's alternative lifestyle a little too personally. I think when she turned to the other side, you also took a pretty drastic turn with your own personal feelings. Am I right?

Mike Seaver hangs his head for a moment before lifting it with a slight smile on his face.

MS: I guess I did go a little overboard, huh dad?
JS: Maybe a little

*Laughter

MS: Well, if I'm going to cherry pick the Bible to suit my own ends, maybe this time I'll start with 'Love thy neighbor'.
JS: Atta boy.

Jason Seaver puts his hand reassuringly on his son's shoulder.

*Awwwwwwww

The father and son duo descend the stairs and find all the players gathered to greet them at the bottom.

MS: I wanted to apologise to all of you for my outburst, and especially to you Ms. Jett. I guess I was the one being a bit of an abomination, huh?
Joan Jett: Hey kid, no harm, no foul. Besides, we all heard you two talking upstairs. That must have been some crush if you went that extreme to the right!
MS: Um...er...uh...

*Laughter

Adam: Can we please get on with this thing? I don't have all day for this sitcom BS.

*Laughter and standing ovation

JS: Okay, okay... Gather 'round everybody! On three. One... Two... Three.
Everyone: GO TEAM!!!!

*Applause

The gathered Commandos leave together and head to the local sandlot. A screen wipe is used to show the passage of time. Jason and Mike Seaver burst through the front door and quickly slam it behind them. Their clothes are torn to shreds and both have various minor wounds.

JS: Well THAT went well.

*Laughter

MS: Gee dad, ya think?!? Which part? Was it when you threw a meatball right down the pike to Tom Brady who proceeded to knock it out of the park? Or was it when they took their one run lead and released their Warwolves to eviserate our team?

*Laughter

JS: Sorry if I wanted to stick it to that pretty boy Tom Brady. How was I to know he was good at baseball, too?
MS: Dad, he was drafted by The Montreal Expos back in the day!
JS: Well excuuuuse me!

*Laughter

The doorbell rings a final time.

JS: I'll get it!

Tom Brady, he team captian of the Grindhouse appears before them.

*Guest star applause

JS: Tom Brady? You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Mr. Superbowl! You got your one run, then decided to kill us? Veeeery sporting!

*Laughter

Tom Brady: Yeah... Sorry about that, guys. I felt really bad winning like that, and I just came by to apologise. I've seen the error of my ways and from here on out, Tom Brady's playing by the book!

*Applause

MS:Wow, that's great Mr. Brady! I guess everyone learned a little something about being a better person today!

Tom Brady: Not really. I just needed a reason for you to open the door so the Warwolves could finish you two off.

*Laughter

The Grindhouse's Warwolves waste no time barging into The Seaver household to finish the job on Jason and Mike. The Seavers' blood begins to coat the room. Swiftheart Rabbit hops up to a smiling Tom Brady.

*Guest star applause

Swiftheart: Gee Mr. Brady, can you ever win without cheating?

Tom Brady ponders the question for a moment.

Tom Brady: Nope!

*The crowd goes wild with laughter and applause

Credits Roll

The Royal Highness Vs. John and Vader's House of Sith Aids

John and Vader’s House of Sith Aids are: Anakin Skywalker, Ahsoka Tano, The Guardians of The Galaxy: Starlord, Groot, Rocket, Gamora, and Drax, Lucario, Desmond Howard, State Farm Agent, Kit Fisto, Snoopy the Dog, and Larry, Moe, and Curly.

The Royal Highness is The Flash (Barry Allen), Batman Beyond, The Blue Marvel, The Thing, Miracleman, Invincible, Batman, Human Torch, Mr. Fantastic, Midnighter, Paul Atreides, Demolition Man, Supergirl (Matrix), Ronan the Accuser, Good Luck Bear, and The Grandmaster.



Welcome all, to the famous sports opening of The Fantasy Fantasy League!! Baseball will be our sport of choice to open up this “purge year”, chosen exclusively, because it requires the most amount of players, and then we get to kill more people because that is what we’re in to here at The FFL (#Isis). In this week’s game, we will be putting Designated Hitters to use; but the pitchers will still be hitting as well in a ten man batting line-up. We are doing it this way, because as I have discussed at length for the past few years, (#The Majors LIVE, #TMSNX Radio) this is the system that I truly wish The MLB would adopt. But don’t worry, for those of you who think this would not work; because I am pretty much the only person on the planet that is for this. So, considering that I am in fact the Watcher in this match, we’ll do it my way, this one time only

Now for the game:

The Sith Aids are the home team today (I flipped a coin, they were tails). Which means that famed Jedi Knight “The Chosen One” himself Anakin Skywalker takes the mound. Anakin can really bring the heat, but he is known more for his control of the ball, basically putting it wherever he wants it. Batters who have faced him in the past have even sworn that the ball even seems to slow down on occasion before it reaches the plate. First up to bat for The Highness is The Flash; no, not Dwayne Wade; but Barry Allen. Here comes the pitch: The Flash bunts the ball right in front of Skywalker, who uses his Jedi speed and reflexes to grab the ball, and turn to safely throw to second knowing that this batter has unheard of speed. But even in his overestimation, Anakin underestimates as The Flash has already turned his bunt into an infield homerun. The score stands one to nothing after the first pitch. Anakin is fuming already as 2nd baseman Terry McGinnis comes up to bat. This young Batman looks BEYOND confused as three quick curve balls zoom right past him, giving Skywalker his first K of the day. The Blue Marvel steps up to the plate next, he watches the first pitch fly by for strike one, then a couple of balls, but then sends one down the line between second and third. The Blue Marvel races around first but Gamora sends it on over to Star Lord to try and catch him on second. SAFE. The Thing comes up next and starts out with a mighty swing and a miss, he then barely catches Anakin’s next pitch but his strength still has it heading for the fences, luckily for Sith Aids, Desmond Howard uses the superior intellect he gained at Michigan, matched with the amazing athleticism that got him in to leap up at the farthest point at center field to rob The Thing of a homer. Leave it to a Michigan man to make a play like that (that one’s for you John). Anakin looks deep into the force for an answer before he decides to intentionally walk Miracleman, putting men on 1st and 2nd; but then gives up a double to Invincible. Both men score. Batman ends up with a strike out for out number 3. Batman then takes the mound as Anakin comes up to bat. Anakin hits what looks like a possible leg-double; but somehow the ball just keeps moving up and out of the park. Homerun!! Groot comes up next and starts talking some smack to the catcher The Thing by saying: “I am Groot”. Batman puts some good spin on his balls and although it takes him 9 pitches to do it, he strikes him out. Drax comes up next and crushes a homer off Batman into deep left field, but Starlord pops out to Miracle Man at center. Gamora hits a ground rule double, but Ahsoka hits into what could have been a double play if the two outs were needed.

End of the 1st: Highness 3 Sith Aids 2

Human Torch, Mr. Fantastic, and Ronan make for a quick 1,2,3 inning for Anakin, while Batman retakes the mound. Lucario pops out to short, while Desmond gets a single. The State Farm Agent strikes out, while Snoopy’s hit is snagged by First Baseman Reed Richards. No score in the 2nd by either squad.

Now, I’m not one of those dicks that thinks that Baseball is boring, but I fully acknowledge that me writing about it probably is, so I’ll zoom ahead a couple of innings and cut to the chase.

Flash continued to do the same thing every time he was up, only running into problems when other people where on base and he wasn’t allowed to pass them on the baseline; while Anakin could hold most of The Highness at bay; but still ran into trouble with some of their power hitters. Anakin pitched through the seventh, until they brought in Starkiller for the 8th which was a bad idea as he let 9 runs in that inning alone. Kit Fisto closed out the game, doing a significantly better job than Starkiller; but still letting in 2 more runs before the game was over. Although he did pop a two run homerun in the 9th, in addition to his pitching performance.

Batman on the other hand, eventually started to tire out by the fourth inning after having to go up against so many super-humans. He was pulled out and replaced by The Midnighter, who did not have a whole lot more luck than Bruce. The power hitters started really coming into their own, and it helped that Snoopy finally realized that he was too short to have a strike zone so he would walk every time as long as he didn’t swing (known to some as The Josh Houslander rule in softball). Letting in 5 runs in the 5th and another 7 in the 6th. Paul Atreides, set to be the closer, came in in the 7th and by the end of the game had the entire crowd chanting “Ooh Maud Dib” as he used his weirding ways to deliver the ball with sheer excellence. He used his Bene Gesserit training to put careful spin on each pitch placing it wherever he wanted over the plate, as well as running Mentat projections before each batter to know in advance the exact probability of how each batter would swing. The lack of depth in The Sith Aids dugout did not do them any favors either (unlike The Highness who had Supergirl replace Human Torch in the outfield and help out in the batter’s box as well). Paul still ended up letting in 3 runs over those 2 innings; but a good switch nonetheless.

In true Fantasy Fantasy fashion, crap got real after the game when Manager Rocket Raccoon decided that the best way to end this match-up would be to kill the other team. This was broken up quickly by the Watcher Joshatu the Great and Powerful; but before his Greatness could intervene, this resulted in The Midnighter, Demolition Man, Batman Beyond, and Mr. Fantastic dying at the hands of The Guardians and a really pissed of Starkiller.

Some Sith Aiders may have died in the skirmish as well; but their time of death is to be labeled as irrelevant in the eyes of this watcher, for all must die on the losing team this week.

Final Score: The Royal Highness: 30 John and Vader’s House of Sith Aids: 25

Season 8, Week 1 Match: Griswold's Nut Busters vs. Layanderletson's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

                            
“You know I think it's time to give this game a ride. . .”

-John Fogerty, “Centerfield”

I look upon the teams which will play baseball in this Season 8, Week 1 Match located at Camden Yards.  They are as follows:

 Griswold’s Nut Busters: Black Slacker (SP), Jedi Master 1A (RP), Dark Side Marauder 2 (CP), Even Blacker Slacker (C), Colored Slacker (1B), Dark Slacker (2B), Brown Slacker (3B), Damn Near Purple Slacker (SS), Bill Brasky (CF), Riddick (RF), Weapon XIII -Bad Fantomex (LF), War Skrull 9 (UI), War Skrull 10 (UO), Harley Race (DH), Death Adder Jr (PH) and Bill Lambier (MGR).

Layanderletson's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Warpath (SP), Gary-Jedi Master 1B (RP), Jedi Master 50A (CP), Zak Saturday (C), Brady Hoke (1B), NS5 36 (2B), NS5 35 (3B), Kid Flash (SS), Green Goblin (LF), Quil - Twilight (CF), BL Kyle Houslander (RF), Komodo (UI), High King Peter the Magnificent (UO), Cinderblock (DH), Predator 47 (PH) and Bo Schembechler (MGR).

Play Ball!!!

1^st Inning. . .

Brady Hoke, bat in hand, lumbers up to home plate.  Even Blacker Slacker signals Black Slacker from behind the plate.  Black Slacker throws the ball directly at the head of Brady Hoke.  A loud crash is heard as Hoke’s helmet is shattered.  The ball is firmly entrenched in the former University of Michigan Football Coach’s skull.  Hoke falls to the ground, dead.  The entire Kitties and Cats’ Squad scream and holler at the intentional murder.  Harley Race takes it upon himself to rush toward the mound.  Race is decimated by a well placed goblin bomb thrown from Left Field’s Green Goblin.  The umpire crew contains the members of both squads and the inning continues with the teams not scoring any runs.

GNB: 0

LSOKACLTTMANF: 0

2^nd Inning. . .

The top half of the second inning proves significant as Cinderblock “accidentally” releases his bat on the backswing.  The bat flies through Bill Lambier’s head. A skirmish is narrowly avoided.    During the bottom of the second, Warpath sizzles smoke by the Nut Busters’ first two batters.  While all focus on the game, Kid Flash takes advantage of the situation, races out from the dugout and snaps the neck of Bill Brasky in center field.  Not knowing what happened to Brasky, Lambier immediately substitutes War Skrull 10 in his stead. 

GNB: 0

LSOKACLTTMANF: 0

3^rd Inning. . .

The Green Goblin hits a solo home run. In response, Colored Slacker, Dark Slacker and Brown Slacker manage to hit singles off of Warpath.  Weapon XIII- Fantomex hits a double and drives in two runs. 

GNB: 2

LSOKACLTTMANF: 1

4^th Inning. . .

As the first half of the inning ends, Gary (Jedi Master 1B) is put in to relieve starter Warpath.  Gary lets up two runs.  Jedi Master 1A replaces Black Slacker in relief as a “slacker” can only go so far into the game.  Jedi Master 1A not only manages to strike both NS5 35 and 36 out, but also destroys them with crushing force pushes into their dugout. 

GNB: 4

LSOKACLTTMANF: 1

5^th Inning. . .

During the bottom half of the inning, Jedi Master 1A releases his lightsaber instead of the ball and slices through High King Peter the Magnificent.  Predator 47 uses its shoulder canon to fire at the relief pitcher.  The blast is deflected and rips through the chest of fellow teammate, Zak Saturday.  Pandemonium breaks out as both benches clear and a full out brawl ensues.  The Slackers grab onto one another and form Mighty Jackin Power Slacker.  The entity manages to crush Bo Schembechler, but is destroyed by Quil, Green Goblin, BL Kyle Houslander and Cinderblock. Black Slacker, Even Blacker Slacker, Colored Slacker, Dark Slacker, Brown Slacker, and Damn Near Purple Slacker are all killed in the melee.  Dark Side Marauder 2, Riddick, Death Adder Jr and the War Skrulls kill Komodo and Quil.   

After the bodies are cleared from the field, the remaining members of each team try to field as best they can.  The game starts again while each diminished team attempts to cover several positions on the field and have enough strength to swing the bat while on offense.  

GNB: 4

LSOKACLTTMANF: 2

6^th Inning. . . 7^th Inning. . . 8^th Inning. . . 9^th Inning. . .

The Nut Busters fail to take advantage while at bat, but the Layanderlets succeed and score 4 runs over the next four innings through the combined efforts of each remaining member.