Season 8 Week: Commandos vs. Grindhouse

Barrack Obama and Miley Cyrus' touring Battalion of Commandos are: Alan Thicke (P), Kirk Cameron, (RP), Hannibal of Crete (C), Mohammed Ali (1), Chow Yun Fat (2), Adam Hernandez (SS), Robin Thicke (3), Katy Perry (RF), Sporty Spice (CF), Dave Grohl (LF), John Adams (DH), Thomas Jefferson (IF), James Baldwin (OF), John Henry (PH), Joan Jett (Closer), and Brad Pitt (Manager).

Beckerman presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse featuring: Tom Brady (3), Spider-Girl (SS), Bruiser (C), Swiftheart Rabbit (P), Cody Jones, (RF), Warwolf #1 (2), Warwolf #2 (LF), Warwolf #3 (CF), Warwolf #4 (IF), Warwolf #5 (OF), Warwolf #6 (RP), Warwolf #7 (Closer), Warwolf #8 (DH), Warwolf #9 (PH), Warwolf #10 (1), and Ryder (Manager).

Spin-off sitcom pitch: Years after his divorce, Dr. Jason Seaver is finally putting his life back together, fueled by the hope of finally becoming an MLB pitcher despite his advanced age. He is joined by his ultra right wing, yet well meaning son, Mike. Can this wacky pair overcome their differences to help give an old man a second chance at living his dream?

Starring Alan Thicke as Dr. Jason Seaver.
Co-starring Kirk Cameron as Mike Seaver.

"Throwing Pains" is filmed before a live studio audience. (* denotes audience reaction)

Mike Seaver sits alone in a well furnished living room and is reading his Bible.
Dr. Jason Seaver enters through the front door.

*Applause

Jason Seaver: Hey son, how's your day been?
Mike Seaver: Great dad, just spending a little time with my other Father.
JS: (Looks at camera) There he goes again!

*Catchprase laughter

MS: Very Funny. Where have you been all day?
JS: Well son, if I'm going to make it to the big leagues, I had been start practicing. I put some fliers up around the neighborhood inviting everyone to a pick up baseball game. Let's see how many people have the guts to face the ol' Seaver Heater!
MS: But dad, why baseball? I thought you played football in school. Wasn't your nickname 'The Receiving Seaver?'
JS: No son, that was your cheating whore of a mother's nickname.

*Hooting and hollering

MS: Daaaad!

*Laughter

Their conversation is interrupted by the doorbell

JS: I'll get it!

The door opens to reveal Brad Pitt, Chow Yun Fat, and Mohammed Ali.

*Guest star applause

Brad Pitt: Good afternoon Dr. Seaver. My friends and I thought maybe a couple of famous faces would help raise a few extra dollars for your charity baseball game today. What do you say?
MS: Charity?
JS: (Aside to Mike) Just go with it.

*Laughter

JS: Of course you boys are more than welcome to join us! Have a seat for now. We'll start game planning in a bit.

The guest stars are seated as the doorbell rings again.

JS: I'll get it!

Dr. Seaver opens the door and finds John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Baldwin, John Henry, and Hannibal of Crete on the other side.

*Guest star applause

John Adams: Greetings Dr. Seaver! Surely a few historical figures will boost the popularity of you baseball game!
JS: Naturally! Glad to have you all, just make yourselves at home.

The historical figures and the celebrities strike up a conversation. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell rings again.

JS: I'll get it!

This time it is Adam Hernandez, and he is holding a trophy.

*Standing ovation

Adam: I have a delivery for Jason Seaver. Here's the MVP trophy you ordered, and here is you name engraved on it, just like you asked for.
MS: Daaaad!

*Laughter

JS: This must be some kind of mistake. I didn't order a trophy, I ordered an all-star shortstop! What do you say, kid? Are you in?
Adam: Quite frankly, I'm not sure that I have much of a choice.

*Laughter

JS: Great! Welcome to the team! (Aside to Adam) You can just put that trophy on the mantle when you walk by.

*Laughter

Adam: Sigh, whatever.

*Laughter

Adam sets the MVP trophy atop the Seaver's fireplace and mingles with his new teammates. The doorbell inevitably rings for a fouth time.

JS: I'll get it!

Dave Grohl, Katy Perry, Sporty Spice, Joan Jett, and Robin Thicke appear at the front door.

*Guest star applause

JS: If it isn't my distant cousin Robin Thicke and his musical friends! Are you guys here to play too?
Dave Grohl: We have heeded The Call!
Joan Jett: Rock and roll!
Katy Perry: ROAR!
Sporty Spice Zig a zig zaa!
Robin Thicke: I believe these daft c*nts mean to say we're in.

*Laughter

JS: Alright gang, looks like we have ourselves a ball club! Let's get...
MS: No! Dad, I refuse to be associated in any way with someone who makes the choice to live an alternative lifestyle! Burn in Hell Joan Jett!

*Oooooooooooo

Mike Seaver races up the stairs to his bedroom.

JS: (looks into camera) There he goes again!

*Uproarious Laughter

Jason Seaver climbs the stairs to speak with his son. He opens the door to find Mike furiously scanning his Bible to find spiritual strength.

JS: Son, listen to me. I...
MS: No dad, you listen. You knew my beliefs wouldn't allow me to play with that lesbian, but you didn't care. Noooooo, it's always about your big comeback, and nothing else matters! Some father you are!

JS: Your beliefs? Of course that's it. How could I be so insensitive? I'm sure it has nothing to do with what's in your closet, right son?
MS: I... don't know what you're talking about dad.
JS: Of course you don't.

Jason Seaver walks over to mike's closet and slowly opens it.

MS: Dad! No!

The back of the closet door has a vintage Joan Jett poster hung on the back.

*Gasp

JS: Seems like someone's taking their old crush's alternative lifestyle a little too personally. I think when she turned to the other side, you also took a pretty drastic turn with your own personal feelings. Am I right?

Mike Seaver hangs his head for a moment before lifting it with a slight smile on his face.

MS: I guess I did go a little overboard, huh dad?
JS: Maybe a little

*Laughter

MS: Well, if I'm going to cherry pick the Bible to suit my own ends, maybe this time I'll start with 'Love thy neighbor'.
JS: Atta boy.

Jason Seaver puts his hand reassuringly on his son's shoulder.

*Awwwwwwww

The father and son duo descend the stairs and find all the players gathered to greet them at the bottom.

MS: I wanted to apologise to all of you for my outburst, and especially to you Ms. Jett. I guess I was the one being a bit of an abomination, huh?
Joan Jett: Hey kid, no harm, no foul. Besides, we all heard you two talking upstairs. That must have been some crush if you went that extreme to the right!
MS: Um...er...uh...

*Laughter

Adam: Can we please get on with this thing? I don't have all day for this sitcom BS.

*Laughter and standing ovation

JS: Okay, okay... Gather 'round everybody! On three. One... Two... Three.
Everyone: GO TEAM!!!!

*Applause

The gathered Commandos leave together and head to the local sandlot. A screen wipe is used to show the passage of time. Jason and Mike Seaver burst through the front door and quickly slam it behind them. Their clothes are torn to shreds and both have various minor wounds.

JS: Well THAT went well.

*Laughter

MS: Gee dad, ya think?!? Which part? Was it when you threw a meatball right down the pike to Tom Brady who proceeded to knock it out of the park? Or was it when they took their one run lead and released their Warwolves to eviserate our team?

*Laughter

JS: Sorry if I wanted to stick it to that pretty boy Tom Brady. How was I to know he was good at baseball, too?
MS: Dad, he was drafted by The Montreal Expos back in the day!
JS: Well excuuuuse me!

*Laughter

The doorbell rings a final time.

JS: I'll get it!

Tom Brady, he team captian of the Grindhouse appears before them.

*Guest star applause

JS: Tom Brady? You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Mr. Superbowl! You got your one run, then decided to kill us? Veeeery sporting!

*Laughter

Tom Brady: Yeah... Sorry about that, guys. I felt really bad winning like that, and I just came by to apologise. I've seen the error of my ways and from here on out, Tom Brady's playing by the book!

*Applause

MS:Wow, that's great Mr. Brady! I guess everyone learned a little something about being a better person today!

Tom Brady: Not really. I just needed a reason for you to open the door so the Warwolves could finish you two off.

*Laughter

The Grindhouse's Warwolves waste no time barging into The Seaver household to finish the job on Jason and Mike. The Seavers' blood begins to coat the room. Swiftheart Rabbit hops up to a smiling Tom Brady.

*Guest star applause

Swiftheart: Gee Mr. Brady, can you ever win without cheating?

Tom Brady ponders the question for a moment.

Tom Brady: Nope!

*The crowd goes wild with laughter and applause

Credits Roll