Season 8, Week 2 Match: John and Vader House of Sith Aids vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“Suddenly I stop,
But I know it’s too late;
I’m lost in the forest,
All alone.”

                                   The Cure, "A Forest"

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 8, Week 2 Match located in the Forest of Hyrule.  They are as follows:

John and Vader House of Sith Aids : Zombie Master Chief, Zombie Yoda, Zett Jukassa, Young Avengers: Patriot, Wiccan, Hulkling, Hawkeye, Stature, Speed and Iron Lad, The Leader, Jaina Solo, R.O.M. the Spaceknight and Vengeance.  

Team Sleeping Pussy: Manbearpig, Al Gore, Webstor, Moss Man, Tunnel Rat, Pikachu, Hamato Yoshi with purple lightsaber, Xenomorphs 1-4, Quicksilver, Lizard and Obi Wan Kenobi’s Spirit.  

Let the battle begin. . .

In the Zelda inspired realm, Zett Jukassa wields his lightsaber as Xenomorphs 1 through 4 swarm the young Jedi trainee.  Jukassa spins and slices through Xenomorph 2.  Xenomorphs 1, 3 and 4 simultaneously attack the youngling, tearing him apart before Zombie Master Chief has the opportunity to drop from the branches above.  Although a bit slower due to his decaying body, Zombie Master Chief still manages to clamp his finger firmly down on the trigger of his brutal weapon, spraying a flurry of projectiles at the remaining Xenomorphs.   Xenomorphs 1 and 4 are shredded, but Xenomorph 3 strikes and tears Master Chief’s arm off.  As the militant’s weapon falls to the ground, the undead fails to notice Tunnel Rat spring from a ramshackle trap door located on the ground.  The G.I. Joe character fires a well placed bullet through the helmet of Zombie Master Chief, spraying the undead’s brain matter across the forest floor.  

Tunnel Rat laughs at the kill and mumbles to himself:  Everyone, even the undead should know to pay attention to your surroundings. . . and knowing that is half the battle.

Just as Tunnel Rat is about to creep back into his hidden lair, the Joe’s head is lopped off by Zombie Yoda.  Xenomorph 3 is killed by Jaina Solo.

Yoda looks to the body of Tunnel Rat: Know this now you do.  Messes with this team’s undead, no one does. 

While the skirmish finishes in one area of the forest, another fight is on the precipice of its beginning.

Al Gore stands is a clearing, speaking to no one in particular as no visible combatants can be seen. 

Al Gore:  Let this Forest of Hyrule be preserved so that generations of those in the FFL may enjoy their beautiful surroundings.  Nature is essential to our livelihood and happiness.  We must enjoy the grandeur foliage that encases our lives.  Let me continue to say. . .

As Gore rambles on, the Leader utilizes his gamma irradiated ability to predict probable outcomes of tactical and strategic scenarios.  The villain skips a rock across a hanging branch, which scuttles across to another tree, striking a large, deadened limb.  The wooden husk crashes down on Gore’s skull, instantly killing him. 

The Leader: Enjoy that foliage you ignoramus. 

While the Leader laughs, he fails to notice Manbearpig waddle behind him.  The South Park beast tears into the Leader, who dies before his body hits the ground. 

A few of the Young Avengers scream onto the scene, with their sole objective being to destroy the filthy beast that just killed their teammate.  Hawkeye shoots Manbearpig in the left eye with a well placed arrow.  Iron Lad uses an energy blast to scorch the hairs which cover the animal.   Finally, Hulkling transforms into a mirror image of Manbearpig and throws the injured Pussy to the ground. Patriot leaps into the air and coming down, uses his triangular shield to decapitate Manbearpig.  Hawkeye, Iron Lad and Patriot look to Hulkling, who is still in Manbearpig guise.

Hawkeye:  You smell.

Hulkling transforms back into his human form: No worse than you.  While I was Manbearpig I smelled your essence.

Hawkeye:  Essence?

Hulkling:  That time of the month, huh?

Hawkeye: Doesn’t affect me, you a-hole!

Iron Lad and Patriot laugh heartily at their teammate’s exchange.

Near a small lake in the forest, Obi Wan Kenobi’s Spirit discusses lightsaber forms with Hamato Yoshi, further increasing the skill already held by the ninjitsu. Jaina Solo storms onto the scene.  Although Yoshi matches abilities with Jaina Solo with his purple lightsaber, Zombie Yoda enters the fray and the two Jedi are too much for Yoshi, as the Sword of the Jedi slices Yoshi in two. Meanwhile, the Young Avenger Wiccan begins to spin his hands, warping reality and in turn, casting a spell to bring the Spirit of Kenobi into the material world.  A motorcycle is heard as Vengeance screams into the melee.  Vengeance uses his protruding spikes and throwing them, embeds more than two dozen into the solid Spirit of Kenobi, who upon his death, dissipates once again.

Quicksilver races into the skirmish and uses his mutant-enhanced ability to catch up with the running Young Avenger, Speed.  The elder statesman easily dispatches with the lesser Speed.   Quicksilver then races to Yoda.  Due to the failings of the undead to utilize the essence of the Force since they are no longer living, Yoda is unable to overcome Quicksilver’s whirlwind and the Jedi’s desiccated corpse is destroyed by the mutant.  

As Hulkling, Hawkeye, Iron Lad and Patriot arrive, the Lizard surprises the team by jumping from lake.  Lizard grabs Hawkeye and drags her to the bottom of the murky waters, drowning her.  R.O.M. the Spaceknight comes upon the lake and as the Spiderman villain surfaces, the Marvel hero uses his neutralizer and sends the Lizard through a dimensional portal, killing him. 

Moss Man comes out from his camouflaged hiding place and is joined by fellow He-Man nemesis, Webstor.  Webstor spins his webs and encases Stature.  The Young Avenger diminishes in size, but the webbing does not release her.  In an attempt to free herself, she quickly grows.  Unfortunately, the webs do not break, but instead, slice her into many pieces; Stature dies.  Moss Man manages to injure Patriot, but is killed by Iron Lad.   Webstor is killed by R.O.M. and Jaina Solo.  The strength, speed and maturity of Quicksilver allow him to dispel with Patriot and Hulkling.  Nonetheless, Quicksilver is killed by the combined efforts of Wiccan, Solo and Vengeance.

A lone Pikachu faces the remaining Aids.

Pikachu:  Pikachu.  Pikachu!!!

Pikachu uses volt tackle to electrically rip into Iron Lad and R.O.M. the Spaceknight, who are burned within their suits.  A worn Pikachu looks to Jaina Solo, Wiccan and Vengeance, knowing that its time is up.

Pikachu: Pikachu. . .