Week 9: Angry Li'l Individuals With Gender Dysphoria vs The Sith Formerly Owned By Johnny

 The Midgets are: Vlad the Impaler and Duncan Idaho Ghola #5 (w/ red and purple double-bladed lightsaber)

The Sith AIDS are: Weapon H

Sometimes, in this League of Fantasy Fantasy, a watcher is presented with a conundrum. Two formidable squads, toe-to-toe, neck and neck. Sometimes, the opposite problem: two teams of D-list celebrities, or parodic amalgamations some long-forgotten lawyer and Care Bears. This scene represents neither of these scenarios, but rather, a troubling third option. An unstoppable behemoth of muscle and steel versus a Romanian sociopath and a sandy clone with a very hot sword.

Fade in:

INT. BAT CAVE

We see a panning landscape shot of the Bat Cave. All is quiet, all is dark. Suddenly, the hum of a lightsaber breaks the silence as its red and purple glow cuts through the darkness.

Cut to:

INT. BAT CAVE, BY THE BATMOBILE

We see the ghola of Duncan Idaho, saber fully erect and pulsing with heat in his soft hand, staring upward with a perplexed look on his strikingly handsome face.

DUNCAN

(Toward the ceiling)

"Vlad? Vlad! What are you doing up there? What sort of strategy is this?"

Pan upward:

We see Vlad Tepes III, former Warlord of Wallachia, suspended upside-down from the ceiling by a rope around his ankles. The other end of the rope is fed through holes bored through a cluster of stakes he has hammered in to the ceiling as anchors for his suspension rig. His already grotesque face is reddened with blood rushing to his head.

VLAD

"No, silly Idaho man, there is no Vlad you speak of. For I, grim ruler of hole in ground, am the bat! Man and beast alike make fear of my terrible power!"

He emits a gargling hiss as he expels the saliva pooling in the roof of his mouth.

DUNCAN

"I will not stand for this foolishness, Vlad! We have to search the cave for something, ANYTHING to stop the fourteen-hundred-pound Juggernaut pursuing us!"

Cut to:

EXT. BAT CAVE - NIGHT

Weapon H is standing at the side of a large rock formation, searching. He puts his ear toward the face of the cliff.

C.U. on Weapon H face against rocks:

VLAD

(Muffled, through wall)

"Silence, clone-thing! I am the terror that flaps in the night!"

Cut back to full shot:

Weapon H snarls and begins pummeling the rock, quickly forcing a tunnel toward the voices he hears.

Cut to:

The cave rumbles and shakes as Weapon H approaches. Duncan Idaho sways to maintain his balance on the trembling ground. Vlad begins to swing in the air on his ropes, cackling madly.

DUNCAN

"There's no time, we need to go! Quickly Vlad, to the Batcopter!"

Duncan breaks in to a sprint for the helipad inexplicably located inside a cave. He makes it about 30 feet from helicopter before the wall bursts open, hurling a boulder at him and flinging him off-screen.

C.U. on Vlad's swinging ankles:

We see a stray rock knock loose the largest anchor suspending Vlad from the ceiling. The rest are torn out with him as he swings through the air. As his trajectory throws him toward Weapon H, he catches a stake in his hand.

VLAD

"Aha, the bat takes flight! I impale you, foul creature!"

The impact of the stake against Weapon H's chest makes a dull wooden clunk, and Vlad bounces off forcefully. He lands on the ground with a grisly snap as his neck breaks. He twitches twice before becoming motionless

C.U. on Weapon H's face and chest:

Weapon H glares briefly at Vlad's corpse for a moment. He turn to look in to the camera, smirks deviously, and shrugs his shoulders as the Looney Tunes closing music plays and an iris-in begins to close the scene. It pauses briefly on his face, he winks, and the iris completes.

THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!

S12 W9: Assassins vs Popeyes

Ahsoka's Acrobatic Assassins are: Dick Grayson (Batman) w/ Green Lantern Ring, Damien Wayne (Robin), Ajax w/ Green Lantern Ring 

Affirmative Action Popeyes are: Nemesis Enforcer (4 death), Nolan Peterson: Sith Bro (4 death w/ Red Lightsaber), Austin Perrison: Sith Bro (4 death w/ Red Lightsaber), Tatsu (4 death)

Tatsu goes right for Ajax. The highly skilled ninja warrior has fast moves but not as fast as Ajax. Tatsu is able to strike Ajax several times with his sword but due to the fact he doesn’t have any nerves in his body, Ajax is able to push through the pain and send the Foot Soldier to the graveyard. 

His victory is short-lived as Nemesis Enforcer snaps Ajax’s neck as he takes flight to combat Batman and Robin who are throwing gadgets and stuff at the Bros from a catwalk suspended above the cave floor. He kicks Grayson down to take on Damien Wayne and hits him in the chest with his blade. He then uses his bare hands to rip the Walmart brand Robin in two and throws his remains down to the cave floor below. 

Fueled by rage, Dick Grayson uses his GLR to hit Nemeis from the backside and then gain the upper hand. With nowhere to roll to on the narrow walkway, Nemesis is trapped under the former sidekick turned hero. With a bellowing scream, he pushes his thumbs into the eyes of Nemesis and into his brain, killing him for good.

Before he can stand up, two lightsabers cross his vision and rest in an X pattern below his chin. With his attackers standing behind him on each side, he has no escape as the the Bro Bros pull back their sabers and behead him Dooku style. 

Austin grabs the headless corpse and with an audible grunt, heaves him over the edge of the railing. 

“Bro!” Nolan says disgusted at the amount of effort Austin took to throw the body. 

“What?! It was heavy!” Austin quips back.

“Do you even lift, Bro?!” Nolan says with a chuckle.

The two of them walk hand in hand out of the batcave in eternal bromance and they go to GNC to split a protein shake.

Week 9: Crack Danks vs Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Crack Danks: Joker, Harley Quinn, Three Musketeers Squad: d’Artagnan, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis

Barkley’s Turrible Decisions: Batwoman, Robin (-4), and Alfred (-4) in Golden Age Batmobile, Terminator #2-3 (-4)

With Batman nowhere to be found, Robin and Catwoman decide to hit the town to have some fun. After some poor decisions, they return with Terminator #2 and #3, rolling in the Golden Age Batmobile.

Alfred advises “Master Grayson, Master Wayne will not be happy when he finds out you have brought strangers into the batcave.”

“That’s why he’ll never find out,” responds Robin.

Reluctantly, Alfred agrees, “Of course, Master Grayson.”

Little did they realize Joker and Harley had planted trackers on the two common Terminators so they could find out exactly where the Batcave is. The two lovers also hired the Three Musketeers to help break in and mess with the Batman. The Crack Danks squad now await outside of Wayne Manor waiting for the call from Joker to go inside.

Back inside the Batcave, the Bat squad starts opening bottles of champagne and continues the party with their new Terminator friends. It soon becomes interrupted by the Crack Danks squad blowing a hole in one of the cave walls. 

Joker announces his presence, “Batsy, Batsy, Batsy. Come out to play. I want to have some fun.”

The three musketeers quickly jump into action towards the two Terminators. While they are busy, Joker and Harley move towards the Bat family with maniacal laughter. Harley goes for boy wonder as Joker moves towards batwoman. Each side wins as Robin holds Harley by the throat and the Joker does the same to Batwoman.

Joker demands, “I want the Bat! Where is he? You two are not as fun as Batsy.”

Robin responds, “He’s not here. Looks like you’ll have to try another time.”

“What?!? I did all this for him to not be here?” Joker exclaims.

Obviously upset, Joker knocks out Batwoman and starts dragging her away. He has no use in being there anymore, but he can take Batwoman as a lure to bait Batman into a later trap. Robin snaps Harley’s neck out of anger to try and stop the Joker from taking Batwoman. As he makes his way to the Joker, the cave trembles from a massive hit across the Batcave which makes the cave wall crumble behind the Joker, blocking Robin’s way to saving Batwoman.

Meanwhile, the Three Musketeers were making their way through the Terminators but not without Aramis and Porthos dying with them. As the fight is occuring, Alfred hopped into the Golden Age Batmobile and full speed ahead trampled the remaining two Musketeers into the cave wall. Alfred received a minor concussion but will survive. The smash into the wall is what resulted in the unsteady cave wall across the Batcave to crumble.

All that remains in the Batcave is Alfred and a heartbroken Robin. Robin with tears, “I was supposed to protect her, and now she’s in the hands of that crazed clown.”

Alfred attempting to console him, “Master Grayson, she will survive. You will find her and save her.”

Robin notices a note left on the ground. It seems to have an address and time for Robin to go to. He immediately hops in the Golden Age Batmobile, which with a few dents is still running just fine.

Alfred advises, “It’s a trap, Master Grayson. Do not go. Wait for Master Wayne to return and help you.”

Robin responds, “I can’t wait. Her life depends on me now.” And he speeds off towards the unknown location.

Alfred alone whispers, “I know. Goodluck, Master Grayson.”

Robin arrives at an abandoned warehouse… classic. He attempts to sneak around a back entrance, but when he walks through the door the Joker echoes his voice, “I knew you’d come all alone and trying so desperately to be the hero. I’m afraid that won’t happen today.”

Robin calls out, “Why don’t you show yourself and we can find out who’s gonna win this fight.”

The lights instantly turn on, revealing Batwoman tied to a chair and explosives in the middle of the warehouse. Joker continues, “Like I said, you don’t become the hero today. Today, I show you what true loss looks like…”

And the chair explodes. Batwoman becomes no longer and Robin, in shock, falls to the floor becoming overwhelmed with tears. He notices the Joker walking towards him and Robin jumps up and knocks Joker to the ground.

On top of the Joker, Robin yells, “Why?!? Why did you do that? Give me an answer!”

All Joker can respond with is laughter. Uncontrollable laughter. Finally he gets out, “I just wanted to see your face, and it’s hilarious!” And the laughter resumes.

Robin cuts the laughter short by stabbing Joker through the heart, thinking it would make him feel better by doing to Joker’s heart what just happened to his own. He unfortunately felt no better.

As Joker coughs up blood, “You finally did what the Bat could never. Well, it was fun while it lasted.” And the Joker takes his final breath.

Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight Vs. TEAM

 Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight are Nightwing (w/ a green lightsaber & green lantern ring), Red Robin (w/ double-bladed orange lightsaber), and Bene Gesserit Sisters #1-6.

TEAM is Black Lantern Yoda.

Nightwing and Red Robin have returned to a place where they both spent much of their youth for some necessary training exercises.  Batman and Alfred are not there; but they know their mentor will have lessons on file that can help them in properly wielding not only their new lightsabers, but also the green lantern ring that has been gifted to Nightwing.  Dick Grayson remembers well that Batman too briefly was empowered by one of these rings back when he was the original Robin.  The six Bene Gesserit Sisters were blindfolded when entering the Bat Cave; but are very much looking forward to enhancing their own hand to hand combat skills by utilizing Batman's many training facilities.  It is unfortunate, that before they can begin, alarms start going off and the Bat Cave begins to go into an automatic shutdown mode as a counter-measure to some sort of existential threat.  

"Were we followed Dick"??  Tim Drake asks of his friend.

"Can't be.  We covered our tracks perfectly.  This is something very different, with amazing skills that has sought out this location".  Grayson answers.

The eight Dino-Mites rush over to the computer to see the threat assessment appear on the screen.

Threat height:  Very small.

Threat weight:  Very small.

Threat size:  Immense.

DANGER.

DANGER.

DANGER.

Full lockdown and counter-measures suggested.

Full doomsday protocol highly recommended.

Nightwing orders Red Robin to take five of the Bene Gesserits and begin the defensive posture that he has been trained to do in these situations, and assures him that he will join them shortly.  But before he can, Dick Grayson takes Bene Gesserit Sister #4 with him and leads her to the Bat Cave's secret elevator which leads directly back up to Wayne Manor.   He hands her a piece of paper instructing her to read it carefully and do exactly as it instructs, before he pushes her into the elevator and sends her up to The Wayne Family Library.  

The Bene Gesserit reaches the library and opens up a desk drawer that becomes a screen, giving a full view of the cave and the fight that is beginning to take place in it.  She cringes as a tiny dark figure with a sword similar to that which Dick and Tim were training with mows through her five sisters with relative ease.  Not even using his sword on them, he blasts them with what seems to be a wall of black-colored energy before engaging the two Batman-trainees in a melee energy-saber battle.  The young initiate of the sisterhood then watches as the diminuitive figure moves with amazing speed and athleticism bouncing around Red Robin, working his way behind the accomplished fighter and acrobat and removing the young Tim Drake of his head.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO" Nightwing screams, as he flips into the air himself, lands in position picks up Tim's double orange saber and rushes at BL Yoda with both the sabers and a thick green-energy aura around him as his only remaining allies.  Nightwing attacks with perfect form, not allowing the death of his dear friend to cloud his judgement, his choices, or his fighting prowess.  After a seemingly pitched battle continues for a few moments, Grayson lunges with what he feels is a perfect finishing manuever; but before said move is delivered, he sees the creature move with amazing speed to get underneath him and then feels the intense heat of a black-energy laced lightsaber enter beneath his chin and up into his brain.  

Bene Gesserit #4, safely in the above library gasps as she sees her final teammate die and then quickly rereads the last sentence on the sheet of paper Nightwing handed to her:

"Should every member of our last line of defense fall, head swiftly to the book shelf and pull out the top shelf copy of "A Tale of Two Cities"".  As it said it would, the book had a small touchscreen on the back with only two button options:  

1.  The Best of Times.

2.  The Worst of Times.  

She follows the orders exactly as instructed, presses option number 2, and then watches on the monitor as The Bat Cave uses its advanced computers to fully analyze the threat and go into full Self-Destruct Mode.