Week 9 Staff Consortium: The Washington Redskins vs The Sigmaz

Redskins: Grand Master Yoda w/ Dwarf Ring #4

Sigmaz: Kratos, Goblin #3 w/ AR-15 and Goblins 4-7

Week 9 Democracy: David Byrne's Meat Suits Vs The Sigmas

Sigmas: Nikki Royse, Linda from the Copper Door, Samuel L Jackson, Vincent Vega, Marcellus Wallace, and Sarah Conner

Meat Suits: Pee-Wee Herman, Fred Rogers, Refrigerator Perry, Big Jake and his Dog, Ellie Satler, Don Barrzinni, Calvin Coolidge, and Airmen #1-3

Dolla McRib Vs. The Underhills

 Dolla 49 McRib is The Sentry and Terminator #1-5

The Underhills are The Punisher, Captain Britain, and Nightsister #1

USA, USA, USA.....  Is the match for this week.

Week 8 - Meat Suits vs Redskins

 The Meat Suits are:

Mr. Hankey, Mr. Garrison, Airmen #1-20, Bruno Samartino, Cookie the Clown, King Henry II, Calvin Coolidge, Willow, Toadette, Elmo, Big Bird and Snuffaluffagus, Sandy of Sandy's, Lewis, Clark, and Sacagawea, Pee Wee Herman, Fred Rogers, The Sorceress of Castle Grey skull, Amazons #1-10, Refrigerator Perry, Big Jake and his Dog, Don Barzini, Ellie Satler Jules Winfield

The Washington Redskins are:

Yoda (w/ Dwarf Ring #4), Sinestro (w/ The White Lantern Ring)., Wolverine, Asajj Ventress, Chuck Norris (w/ The Houslander Family Katana) and Dobby in a Speeder. , Black Lantern #9 & 10., OA Guardian #2, Cybertronian Guardian #2, Wallabee #2

Naturally, Lewis and Clark are leading the Meat Suits on their expedition through Sherwood Forest. They have carefully kept their team hidden while they mapped the entire forest. That is the reason this match was late, it’s not my fault. They were preparing. Sacagawea reports back that the Redskins have just setup camp in a clearing nearby and have just been hanging out waiting for the match to start. She reports that scores of beer cans and cigar butts litter the area. 

Louis decides that it is finally time for the attack. Detailing the layout to the rest of the team, he sends squadrons down carefully assigned paths and they will be attacking in waves from different directions to try and gain the upper hand. When the teams are in position, the diplomats will head in first. But first, they need to eat and drink.

“Where is Sandy with the food and drink? We gave her our order days ago!” asks Lewis. Sandy, sticking soundly to the same training manual she provides her staff, gathered the orders and left. She will never return.

The Redskins hear a rustling in the woods and turn off the tape deck blaring GnR. Slowly walking towards them is King Henry II, Calvin Coolidge, Don Barzini, and Fred Rodgers. 

“Howdy, Neighbor!” says Mr. Rodgers politely just before Ventress throws her lightsaber through his chest. 

“Ayeee yo!!” cries Barzini. “I’m walkin here! That was as tasteless as my mother in law’s tomato sauce! Bippity Boppity. You a knocka thata out, capisce?”

“No” says Wolverine pouncing on him like a cat and cutting him into thin slices. Which is the opposite of how his mother in law cuts up garlic. (ayee yo whatta crime).

Lewis sees that negotiations were short and has the Sorceress of Castle Grey Skull sound some type of horn or something signaling wave two on the attack from the rear. It’s the large and in charge members of the team to tank and do some quick damage. Snuffy barrels into the crowd like it was a BLM rally and starts kicking and stomping. Wallabee is squished under his feet and the Cybertronian Guardian goes flying. Big Jake sics his dog on the cybertronian and with the help of the amazons, they finish him off. Wolverine pounces again and stabs his claws into the giant beast. Big Bird swoops in from the sky (of course he can fly) and picks up one of the black guardians and soars up. The BL vaporizes the bird in flight but is unable to right himself on the fall and lands on his neck and dies. Refrigerator Perry and Bruno Samartino come bumbling out of the woods but can do nothing when they see they are faced off against Sinestro.  

The horn sounds thrice this time and all squads pour in from the woods. Mr Hanky decides to eat his teammate toadette and by some magical powers of mario, he grows tremendously in size. It’s the second biggest pile of shit that Ellie Satler has been near. Sinestro takes a shot at Mr Hanky and he explodes and the mess is horrific. A whole bunch of poop got in the mouth of Ventress that she died of dysentery. 

Chuck Norris races around the clearing with Dobby on a speeder mowing down Willow and dozens of Airmen with the Houselander family katana. As his face is drenched in blood, he takes his shirt off and uses it to wipe the blood from his face so he can see again. He speeds off again and tosses the shirt to Dobby and says “Get rid of this!”.

“Master has given Dobby clothes! Dobby is FREEEEEE!” 

Dobby jumps from the moving scooter and collides with Pee Wee who was still standing in the bushes and not participating in battle. He appeared to be preoccupied staring at that sweet native american turdcutter that Sacagawea was flaunting. Regardless, they both are killed on impact. Chuck then loses control of the speeder and it blows up in a big ball of flames right where everyone is fighting (what a coincidence). Chuck had jumped to safety in just the knick of time and thats when the duke (Big Jake) spots him. The two of them proceed to participate in a fist fight so epic, that any man born before 1970 would instantly get an erection watching it. The fight went on so long that they both died of a heart attack. 

So we got fire burning and poop everywhere. Clown guts and yellow feathers still falling from the sky. But when the three remaining Redskins looked around at the carnage, they just decided to hit play on the tape deck, crack another cold one and go back to hanging out. 

Week 8 - Dolla 49 McRib vs Darkseid's Horsemen of Apokolips

Five Dollar Filet O’Fish: Blackfire, Optimus Prime, Roller, Combat Deck, Brachiosaurus #1-15, Dr. Alan Grant, Ronan the Accuser, The Fallen, Dead Men of Dunharrow #1-10

Lightside Followers of the New Age: Flash w/ Blue Lantern Ring, Superboy, Blockbuster, Nekron, Black Lantern #1-3, Indiana Jones, Paradoom #1-5

Ahh, yes, the forest of Robin Hood. We’ll have to spend this week over the pond hanging with some Brits that are in desperate need of some quality dentistry. When reading this match, imagine my portrayal to be an appropriation of a terrible British accent. Anyhow, on this Earth (Earth-9238562719836748273654387692), each of these characters are slight variations of their Earth-1 counterparts in that each of them are rubber duckys instead of human beings. I know what you’re thinking, “How can rubber duckys move on land? They have no legs.” And see, you’re right. But in this universe the laws of physics and nature are not the same as we know. Here, these rubber duckys can move without any apparent visual information that supports it. It’s almost as if they are able to fly, but only ~0.000001 nanometers off the ground. Now to be a rubber ducky, it’s in the name that you are made of rubber. Therefore, all these transformers, dinosaurs, aliens, humans, etc. are all made of the same malleable material. Don’t get me wrong, they still have their respective powers of sorts. Now that you get the logistics of it, that’s enough yapping, time for the match.

The McChickens (McRibs) have set up camp amongst the array of trees. It is the Pig Ladies (Horsemen) who take offensive action on the resting McDanks duckies. The dead men do not rest and thus were not caught off guard from the attack and were able to quickly counter the black lanterns. Although, their own demise occurred soon after from the paradooms. By this time, the brachiosauruses have awoken and start wreaking havoc across camp for both teams. Superboy is found going dino to dino as he struggles with taking down each of them without any rubber ducky arms, he’s more just ramming them… ayo. While Superboy is distracted, Blockbuster and Nekron advance onto the rubber transformers. It’s an awkward battle as both squads can only simply run into each other without being able to do hand to hand combat, but eventually Optimus is the last standing. Meanwhile, Indiana Jones whips Dr. Grant like it was a different century (he used the whip with his mouth considering he has no arms). After much energy is used, Superboy defeats the last dino.

Ronan and Blackfire go to attack Superboy while he was weak, but the rubber ducky Flash stops them. He zips so fast all around them and continually distracts them while Superboy soaks up the sun’s rays in between the cover of the trees. The paradooms come to help the Flash but are quickly dismantled by the duo. Flash keeps playing with them… ayo… until Superboy comes back and full speed flies through each of their bodies. Optimus does not stand for this (or at all because he’s a rubber ducky) and swipes through the rubber kryptonian with his sword-like beak. Following this, Indiana Jones steps up and whips Optimus’ beak so hard that it falls off. The Flash moves quickly and shoves the freehand Optimus beak back into its original owner.

The League of Extraordinary Heterosexual Gentlemen Vs. The Sigmaz

 The League of Extraordinary Heterosexual Gentlemen is The Inhumans:  Black Bolt, Lockjaw, Medusa, Karnak, Maximus the Mad, & Triton, Parallax, Yellow Lantern #1A, Ancient Sith Lords #1-5, & Cobra Viper #1-4.

The Sigmaz are Snake Eyes w/ Wolf, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhies, Aragorn son of Arathorn, King Hiss, Bacchus, Pan, Warg Rider #1-5 atop Warg #1-5, Goblin #1 (w/ an AR-15), & Goblin #2-7.

Black Bolt, Snake Eyes, Cobra Viper #3, and Michael Myers sit down next to each other on a log to have a deep conversation.  

Just kidding, I just thought that would be a goofy way to start off the match.  It's your boy The Neon Master Pogo here.  It's Joshatu's week off, so when he got called in to write this week anyway, he decided to dust me off and throw me out in the woods instead.  I didn't bring any Off with Deet or anything either here to Sherwood Forest; but that Aight.  This one shouldn't be too long or have much dialogue in it to slow down the writing process, considering that a healthy number of the people in this match don't talk (as referenced by the opening joke for those who didn't get it).  Let's get to it.  

I am starting to see why Ol' Joshatu the Salty didn't feel like handling this one as I take a glance at today's starting  line up.  Without bothering to look up the rosters, all I know is that it is Week 8, these two teams are both still in a payoff race, and at the very least Odin, Goku, Martian Manhunter, and Superman are nowhere to be seen.  

Lockjaw teleports right next to Wolf and eats the smaller canine; but doesn't see the sleek ninja Snake Eyes stealthily approach and remove his head.  <Let's just kill the dogs early to trigger the pet lovers.>   

Medusa is the only woman in this match; so upon entering the woods, she chose the bear and was promptly eaten.   

Bacchus and Pan are getting kanga-rippin-rooed with Karnak, Maximus, and Triton who are completely butthoused at this point.  Like most of the old mythological tales of drunkedness, they all briefly forget that they are supposedly straight and start doing some messed up stuff after the wine starts hitting.  They then sober up, realizing what they did and let's just say that there is 41% chance that they all suicided themselves within a year.  

The Wargs and various types of Goblins are duking it out in a pretty fast-paced and fun to watch battle with The Ancient Sith Lords, when King Hiss from The Sigmaz and Parallax from the Gents join the party.  Goblin #1 in his last FFL Appearance goes ham with his AR and mows down Cobra Viper #1, 2, & 4, as well as Sith Lord #2 & 5.  Goblin #2 joins his homeboy Uno-Gob in final deathing but takes out the last Viper and Sith Lord #1.  The rest of the Sith Lords lightsaber up the other five goblins and then do the same to the five Warg/warg rider combo packs once Yellow Lantern #1A lends a hand after he yellow energy blasts Goblin #2.  Paralax manages to pick up the muscle bound King Hiss and use him as a human shield from the wild 7.62 x .39s flying out from the gat of my boi Uno-Gob and then uses the lifeless body of the Hissernator to send the notable item wielding common to the Graveyard.  Aragorn then appears out of the shadows like Rangers do best and manages to will his fears away like only the true king of men could as he takes up his sword and smites Parallax down.  Yellow Lantern #1A is shocked to see Parallax fall from the sword of a mere mortal; but the Dunadan proves that he is a bit more than mortal as he flings his Ranger Knife into the forehead of the Yellow Lantern from about five yards out.  Snake Eyes teams up the Returned King to match swords with the remaining two Lords of the Sith:  Darth Snus and Darth Zyn.  

To end this bout Micheal Myers and Jason Voorhies start brutally, violently, and gratuitously stabbing the crap out of Black Bolt; which makes The Inhuman Leader say:  "Ow".  Causing the two horror villains to blow up. 

Week 8 Staff Consortium: Naza vs. Doctor's Madhouse

 Naza: Avatar Kyoshi, Alucard, Red Hulk, Hercules, Monkey D. Luffy, Swamp Bender #1-3, Badger Mole #1-4

Doctor's Madhouse: Mok #1-10, Zorak, Black Widow, Brak, Creature King, Moltar, Metallus, Transit, and Lokar, Umman Kudu, Princess Irulan, Face Dancers #1-15, Princess Wensica, Dr. Frankenstein, Elf #1-10, Woodlen Elf #1-10, Troll #1-8, Hobbit #1-10, SHIELD Agent #1-10, HYDRA Agent #1-10, Gremlin #1-10, Stegosaurus #1-15, Martin Van Buren