Week 8 - Meat Suits vs Redskins

 The Meat Suits are:

Mr. Hankey, Mr. Garrison, Airmen #1-20, Bruno Samartino, Cookie the Clown, King Henry II, Calvin Coolidge, Willow, Toadette, Elmo, Big Bird and Snuffaluffagus, Sandy of Sandy's, Lewis, Clark, and Sacagawea, Pee Wee Herman, Fred Rogers, The Sorceress of Castle Grey skull, Amazons #1-10, Refrigerator Perry, Big Jake and his Dog, Don Barzini, Ellie Satler Jules Winfield

The Washington Redskins are:

Yoda (w/ Dwarf Ring #4), Sinestro (w/ The White Lantern Ring)., Wolverine, Asajj Ventress, Chuck Norris (w/ The Houslander Family Katana) and Dobby in a Speeder. , Black Lantern #9 & 10., OA Guardian #2, Cybertronian Guardian #2, Wallabee #2

Naturally, Lewis and Clark are leading the Meat Suits on their expedition through Sherwood Forest. They have carefully kept their team hidden while they mapped the entire forest. That is the reason this match was late, it’s not my fault. They were preparing. Sacagawea reports back that the Redskins have just setup camp in a clearing nearby and have just been hanging out waiting for the match to start. She reports that scores of beer cans and cigar butts litter the area. 

Louis decides that it is finally time for the attack. Detailing the layout to the rest of the team, he sends squadrons down carefully assigned paths and they will be attacking in waves from different directions to try and gain the upper hand. When the teams are in position, the diplomats will head in first. But first, they need to eat and drink.

“Where is Sandy with the food and drink? We gave her our order days ago!” asks Lewis. Sandy, sticking soundly to the same training manual she provides her staff, gathered the orders and left. She will never return.

The Redskins hear a rustling in the woods and turn off the tape deck blaring GnR. Slowly walking towards them is King Henry II, Calvin Coolidge, Don Barzini, and Fred Rodgers. 

“Howdy, Neighbor!” says Mr. Rodgers politely just before Ventress throws her lightsaber through his chest. 

“Ayeee yo!!” cries Barzini. “I’m walkin here! That was as tasteless as my mother in law’s tomato sauce! Bippity Boppity. You a knocka thata out, capisce?”

“No” says Wolverine pouncing on him like a cat and cutting him into thin slices. Which is the opposite of how his mother in law cuts up garlic. (ayee yo whatta crime).

Lewis sees that negotiations were short and has the Sorceress of Castle Grey Skull sound some type of horn or something signaling wave two on the attack from the rear. It’s the large and in charge members of the team to tank and do some quick damage. Snuffy barrels into the crowd like it was a BLM rally and starts kicking and stomping. Wallabee is squished under his feet and the Cybertronian Guardian goes flying. Big Jake sics his dog on the cybertronian and with the help of the amazons, they finish him off. Wolverine pounces again and stabs his claws into the giant beast. Big Bird swoops in from the sky (of course he can fly) and picks up one of the black guardians and soars up. The BL vaporizes the bird in flight but is unable to right himself on the fall and lands on his neck and dies. Refrigerator Perry and Bruno Samartino come bumbling out of the woods but can do nothing when they see they are faced off against Sinestro.  

The horn sounds thrice this time and all squads pour in from the woods. Mr Hanky decides to eat his teammate toadette and by some magical powers of mario, he grows tremendously in size. It’s the second biggest pile of shit that Ellie Satler has been near. Sinestro takes a shot at Mr Hanky and he explodes and the mess is horrific. A whole bunch of poop got in the mouth of Ventress that she died of dysentery. 

Chuck Norris races around the clearing with Dobby on a speeder mowing down Willow and dozens of Airmen with the Houselander family katana. As his face is drenched in blood, he takes his shirt off and uses it to wipe the blood from his face so he can see again. He speeds off again and tosses the shirt to Dobby and says “Get rid of this!”.

“Master has given Dobby clothes! Dobby is FREEEEEE!” 

Dobby jumps from the moving scooter and collides with Pee Wee who was still standing in the bushes and not participating in battle. He appeared to be preoccupied staring at that sweet native american turdcutter that Sacagawea was flaunting. Regardless, they both are killed on impact. Chuck then loses control of the speeder and it blows up in a big ball of flames right where everyone is fighting (what a coincidence). Chuck had jumped to safety in just the knick of time and thats when the duke (Big Jake) spots him. The two of them proceed to participate in a fist fight so epic, that any man born before 1970 would instantly get an erection watching it. The fight went on so long that they both died of a heart attack. 

So we got fire burning and poop everywhere. Clown guts and yellow feathers still falling from the sky. But when the three remaining Redskins looked around at the carnage, they just decided to hit play on the tape deck, crack another cold one and go back to hanging out.