Thursday, July 10, 2014

Season 7, Consolation Round 3 - Horsemen vs Turrible Decisions

Ryatu looks up from his desk inside the Horsemen clubhouse as a knock is heard on his door.  Taking the last swig of Jack Daniels from a bottle, he drops it to the floor with the others.  His anger over his loss in the conference finals has turned to depression.  The last thing he wants to do is talk to or see another person.


“Enter! You F#$%ING Loser!”


Snowflame enters his office and while he is normally very vocal and outgoing, he is extremely reserved in the presence of his owner.


“Mr Ryatu…” He begins, “some of the guys are… well… the guys were wondering why…” he struggles to get the question out.


“Spit it out SnowFu*k!” says and annoyed Ryatu who cracks open a new bottle.


“Well, sir.  It’s the trades.  We all felt like we had a good season.  Back to back 8-1 seasons, a championship last year and we went really far this year too.”


“You guys lost, Snowglobe.  That makes you ALL losers.  And I don’t keep losers on my team!” Ryatu says opening his laptop.  “So what team do you want to go to?  I hear the Rabble Rousers are looking for a bench warmer.  Maybe I’ll trade you for a dozen Smurfs”


“Please.  No.  I need to stay!” Snowflame begs,  “I’m a Horseman.  I don’t belong on any other team.  Plus I got so many guys hooked on coke that you would have half your roster in withdrawals for next year.  We aren’t losers sir.  We are a great team.”


“Pretty sure you are still a loser.” Ryatu says leaning back in his chair. “But if you want to prove me wrong, go show me where it counts.  Go show the league what happens when you f*#k with The Horsemen.”


Snowflame stands up straight with pride.  “Yes, sir” he says before turning to head out the door.  Ryatu stops him as he hovers in the threshold.


“And Snowball…” Ryatu says as Snowflame looks back, “ Send a fu#*&ing message.”


-------


“Quit screaming!” Snowflame yells as he is repeatedly punching Sandra Bullock in the face.  He already broke both her arms and legs to keep her in one spot.  Snowflame stops the attack and looks down on her mangled face and smiles.  The academy award winning actress has finally calmed down enough and has focused her energy on taking deep breaths.  She coughs and gags on her own blood and teeth, spitting them back in the face of her attacker.  “Dumb Bitch” he says giving her another large backhand.


He stands up and wipes the blood off his face on Care Becks’ soft belly. He has the vile bear bound and gagged with his belt and even though he is filled with rage, he can’t help but giggle as Snowflame inadvertently tickles his belly.  Snowflame slings the teddy ruxpin wanna be back over his left shoulder, secured in his belt, and sets Bullock on his right.  He climbs down to where the giant Donkey Kong lay docile on the ground.  His breathing is rhythmic but slowing. He is unable to move after having his spinal cord cut.


“Stay with me Kong.” Snowflame says. Don’t go ruining the surprise by dying on me.
“What are you going to do?” a terrified Bullock asks.
“You know who John Madden is?” Snowflame asks.  “This is going to be a sort of tribute to one of his favorite meals.”


Snowflame drops Bullock to the ground without care and taking out his knife, cuts the belly of Care Becks open and removes handfuls of stuffing.  Without the support of the cotton, Care Becks can only watch as Snowflame drops his pants and takes a dump inside the open chest cavity of the bear.


Terrified and appalled, Bullock watches as Snowflame approaches her.  “You’re next sweetie.” he says, removing her clothes and exposing her bare torso.  He stops for a second and grins as he takes in her naked form.  His grin fades and he turns the knife around in the palm of his hand.  Hovering over her, he cuts her open from sternum to navel.  Bullock nearly passes out from the pain.  Picking up the shit filled bear, Snowflame opens up the flesh of Bullock and crams the bear inside her.


In similar fashion, he opens up the belly of the beast and stuffs Bullock & Bear in with the intestines of Donkey Kong.


Taking out a Zippo, he lights it, looking into the eyes of Kong.


“Nobody Fucks with the Horsemen.” He says as he tosses the lighter.

This sets the fur of Donkey Kong on fire, engulfing the trio, who are relieved to finally die.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Trade Update...

The Horsemen of Apokolips have made the following trades:

The Dinobots: Slag, Snarl, Sludge and Swoop to THE COMMANDOS for The Sucker Punch Crew.

White Suite Anakin Skywalker and CM Punk to MICKEY MOUSE GRINDHOUSE for Black Tom Cassidy and Stryfe.

Darkseid to THE EMPIRE for Faker.

Godzilla, Batman, Commissioner Jim Gordon, Alfred Pennyworth, Elderly Bruce Wayne w/ his dog, R2 Unit #11 and Bedtime Bear to THE ROYAL HIGHNESS for Professor Charles Xavier, Imhotep, Anak Sanamun and the A-Team.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Season 7, Week 3 Consolation Match: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Real Man's Rabblerousers

“Looks so good, bring a tear to your eye.  Sweet cherry pie, yeah.”

           
-Warrant [Cherry Pie]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 3 Consolation Match located at the Pie Stage of Donkey Kong. They are as follows:

Murderflies: Vampire Lestat.

Rabblerousers: Sheeva.

A LOUD SMASH IS HEARD AS A PIE STRIKES THE GROUND FLOOR. 

Let the match begin. . .

Sheeva’s battle cry is heard as it echoes across the tower of ladders and conveyors.

Sheeva: For the Shokan!!!

Sheeva rushes at Lestat and utilizes her “throw” move to grab the vampire using her upper arms, while delivering two body blows using her lower arms.  Lestat falls to the girder below.  The vampire looks up to see Sheeva attempting to “jump stomp” him.  Lestat is too quick as he twists over the warrior and sinks his teeth into the neck of Sheeva.  The bite does some damage, but not enough to fatally wound the Mortal Kombat fighter.  Lestat soars in the air at Sheeva, who uses her “anti-air grab” move to capture the undead midair, throwing him to the ground and then stomping on both his chest and groin. 

Lestat:  You b@#ch!

Lestat shakes off the pain and delivers a strike across the neck of Sheeva, who screams in pain as blood begins to trickle down her sinewy form. 

Sheeva manages to capture Lestat in a bear hug.  Lestat struggles, but the Shokan holds true.  Sheeva uses a signature move and rips Lestat’s arms off with her lower arms, slaps the vampire twice in the face with his severed arms, breaking his neck with the second slap.  Lestat cracks his neck back into place by sheer will alone.  Taking advantage of the situation, Sheeva brings her fists down upon Lestat’s head in succession using her “hammerhead” move, driving him into the ground.  The pies repeatedly strike Lestat’s face, whose head only rises above the level. 

Sheeva then uses her signature move – “stomping fatality” to finish off Lestat.

 

Monday, July 7, 2014

King of Consolation: B3 vs Nutbusters.

Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches are: Triple H w/red lightsaber, The Rock w/ blue lightsaber and Dr Evil w/ indigo lantern ring.

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler, ICP (Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J), Marlon Brando, and Ewok Child #1


The Nut-Busters arrive in the trap door level of Donkey Kong Country and lay their eyes on their prize- Admiral Ackbar's 2 seater B-Wing.

Suddenly, Ackbar's security system begins to blare

"IT'S A TRAP" *SIREN NOISE* "IT'S A TRAP" *SIREN NOISE* "IT'S A TRAP"

"Yo. Yoyoyo. That sh*t is MAD annoying" yells Shaggy 2 Dope

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THAT WACA** ALARM" screams Violent J

Suddenly Violent J is decapitated in a red flash and a blue lightsaber explodes through Shaggy's chest the other Nut-Busters whirl around and see Triple H and The Rock standing before them. Triple H clicks a button and the sound "beep boop" silences the alarm.

"They said that alarm is annoying and that this was a trap" smirks Triple H.

The Nut-Busters rush forward when one of the trap doors opens beneath their feet sending them plummeting to their deaths.

"Well that was easy" says the Rock

"Yeah, a little TOO easy" replies The Game.

BAMF AoA Nightcrawler appears in fromt of them.

"Ello, and En Garde" he says as he takes a sword fighting stance.

"The Rock's got this one." says Dwayne Johnson as Triple H motions for him to go ahead

They began to duel. Nightcrawler avoids all of the People's Champ's death blows by teleportation, but his code of honor will not let him attack his opponent from behind. He finally gains the advantage, and stabs The Rock through the chest.

Unfortunately, Triple H doesn't share the same honorable code and immediately  hits Nightcrawler from behind as the Rock dies, lacerating his tendon and rendering him unable to walk.

"Valiant effort, but if there's one thing a Beckman is good at, it's costing someone from Apocalypse a championship. He goes to finish off Nightcrawler when there's a shimmer of orange light and a loud explosion.

Superman appears in front of him.

Superman, seeing the scene playing out in front of him rushes forward and snaps the dazed Triple H's neck before he can strike.

"What was that for?" asks Nightcrawler as he struggles to his feet.

"I don't have much time" says Superman "I have to get back to my match against the Commandos but before I go I need you to tell me everything you can about the Phoenix Force. It's a matter of life and..."

before he can finish his sentence or get the information that just might save his life, Superman disappears into the timestream again, not knowing if he'll return to his original match or at another random time.

Nightcrawler reaches his feet and begins to laugh through the pain.

"We did it. We DID IT!! We're the Kings of..."

His head explodes in a flash of indigo light.

Dr Evil raises his pinky to his lips and says

"Nok."

Universe Bowl VII

I would like to formally congratulate both Layanderlet`s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to make a New Family and The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets for making it to the seventh annual Universe Bowl.

As everyone knows it is a long season and not an easy task to make it this far. I hope that you will be enjoying the next two months as this match will be soon getting under way.

The format of this match will be slightly different so if at first it comes off as strange, just stick with it. It will all make sense in the end.

With that I wish the both of you luck and I hope you both enjoy the story that is to come. The first post can be expected shortly.

Nickatu the Watcher

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Consolation Round 3: The Empire vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

The Empire is: Watchdogs #5-8

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Vanisher


The Empire's Watchdogs arrived at Donkey Kong's pie level on a mission. They had word that some immoral activity was underway at the pastry factory; Apes behaving inappropriately toward women, women dressing provocatively, and perhaps worst of all the delicious desserts being put to waste in the commotion. As they scaled the conveyor belts, they came across an absurdly costumed man walking casually along the belt and eating from the oncoming pies. "Thief! Those pies are the property of Entenmann's, a subsidiary of Bimbo Bakeries USA!" Shooting first and asking questions later, Watchdog #5 fired his shotgun, but Vanisher had vanished. He heard a crack and turned to see #7 carried away by conveyor with a broken neck. "Stealing pies AND murder? Show yourself and accept corporal punishment immediately!" Vanisher obliged and appeared between #6 and #8, pushing them from the sides of the platform before disappearing again. "Only God should have the power to be anywhere at once!" #5 began firing wildly around him hoping to hit his unseen enemy. Vanisher appeared behind him, grabbed him by the arms and pointed the shotgun at the Watchdog holding it. "Wait, please! We were just here to murder an endangered Giant Cartoon Ape for lewd misconduct!" he cried. Vanisher raised the barrel away. "Oh, you just wanted to see the ape? Why didn't you say so?" Again he grabbed #5 and the teleported to the top of the level where he shoved #5 into the raging Donkey Kong. "Happy to help!"

Rob C is Back!!!

Hello FFL lads:
I'm back from Jolly Ole' England and I madest me a song, I did!  Keep in your head that Mary Poppins movie as you hum to yourself me sonnet.  Enjoy lads!!!  Rob C out!!!


Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
I'm back from Jolly England
It's me boys, Rob C

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-oo
I blew all the boys
And drank all their goo

Now as the ladder of life
Has been strung
You may think Rob C's
On the bottommost rung

Though I spends me time
With the young lads and blokes
In this 'ole wide world
There's nothing I'd rather smoke

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
I am a pedi
A boy lover is me

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-oo
Good luck will rub off
When I suck your testes blue

 I choose me sex toys
With pride, yes, I do
A clamp for the shaft
And a bristle for your flute

Up where the special sauce
Is all billered and curled
'Tween balls and the head
Is Rob C's world

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
That's all I have to say
Signing off is Rob C.