Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Hannah Indiana and President "Don't Worry, it's Only Discrimination When Republicans Do it" President Barack Obama's: Best of Both Worlds Touring Battalion of Commandos

Team Sleeping Pussy is Bad Scaner (Darryl Revok), (movie) Rachet, The Mountain Dew Transformer, Droid Fighter Ship #13-14, Ash (w/ mandalorian armor), Moss Man, Capt. Boomerang, Sunfire, Big Jim w/ truck and trailer, Zombie Bryan Beckerman, Zombie Ryan Poteracki, Jubilee, Xenomorph #5-8, Skrull #25-28, Wargs and their Riders #1-4, and Marine #91-92.

Miley Skankrus and “The Iranians are cool; but Israel is wrecking the middle East” President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is Tleilaxlu Master #1-2, Marine #55-62, The Secret Circle: Cassie Blake, Jake Armstrong, Faye Chamberlain, Diana Meade, Adam Conant, and Melissa Glazer, Angel (w/ blue lightsaber), The Question (w/ red lantern ring), Prof. Henry Jones Sr. (w/ White Lantern Ring), Danger Mouse (w/ red lantern Ring) and Ernest Penfold (w/ red lantern ring), Lazarus Long in a Fairchild VZ-5, Ginger Spice, Immell #5 (AKA: The Captain) (w/ Captain America’s Shield), Angelina Jolie w/ Maddox, Shiloh, Zhara, Pax, Knox, and Vivian Jolie-Pitt, Muhammad Ali on Horse #12, Ewok Baby #5, Anus the Touchable, Worm Becks (w/ green lantern ring), Capt. Latin America w/ Cannon Man, The Bottomless Stomach, and Kid Knee, Red Dragon #1-2, Rachel Ray (w/ flamethrower and green lightsaber), Alan Thicke (w/ green lantern ring), Joanna Kern (w/ blue lantern ring), Kirk Cameron (w/ yellow lantern ring), Tracy Gold (w/ star sapphire), Jeremy Miller (w/ indigo lantern ring), and Robin Thicke.


Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey y’all, it’s everybody’s favorite Watcher The Neon Master Pogo here. I realize that I was supposed to watch the other match and that Joshatu the Old and Stuffy was supposed to watch this one; but when “His Mighty Boringness” Joshatu read The Commandos line-up he had to pawn this one off on me. Sooooooooooooo, here we go….

Umm, alright I think there is quite enough characters for one 450 point match here so I’m gonna need to start this one off with The Secret Circle tripping on some desert rocks and falling into some quick sand or something because I’ve only got so much ridiculousness to throw around in the course of one story. We’ll give the credit to these kills to …….ummmmmmm…….. MOSS MAN!! Yeah, Moss Man. I mean, dude’s cool and guy is entirely made of moss; so he should prolly have five super-legit kills right off the bat.

Whether it be because Rachet is the smartest guy on the squad or the biggest is unclear, but he seems to be acting like the unofficial squad leader for The Sleeping Pussies, who have made their camp outside of the large pyramid out in the far eastern corner of the Doky Doky Panic Desert, or… wait a tic…. That pyramid was in the desert world of Mario 3 wasn’t it? Well, whatever; they are in it anyway, or one like it or something. There they wait, formulate, and prepare for what will surely be a rough battle as they are outnumbered almost 2 to 1.

The roaming band of vagabonds that has seemingly very little to do with the desert, video games, or video game deserts is roaming around like um well, like a band of vagabonds to be precise.

The two Tleilaxlu Masters are gunned down by The Droid Fighter Ships on their perimeter straifing run; but the few (and proud) Marines manage to gun down the Star Wars Droids with some heavy weapons fire.

Out in the open desert, The Warg Riders and their Warg steeds are battling The 2 Red Dragons who #2 of whom happen to have an Ewok Baby riding on top of it (really more of an Ewok Toddler by now (I mean he’s been on The Commandos for years at this point)). The Marines from both teams join the fray as well (8 from The Commandos and only 2 from The Pussies). The Red Dragons seem to have the upper hand in the skirmish as they attack from the air, that is until the four Xenomorph Aliens from The Pussies rush into make an even bigger mess. The Wargs and their orc riders all get torched by the dragons, although they do manage to take out dragon #1 before they die a gross, gurgling, and dirty orc death like they always seem to. The Marines on both sides fight valiantly; but they find themselves inadequate to battle with the monsters in this particular terrain and in such close quarters. They all sadly go to The FFL Graveyard pondering the unanswerable question of what they could have possibly done wrong to be dropped by Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies in the first place. The Xenomorphs Aliens do manage to rip apart Red Dragon #2, but not before the dragon and his adorable little ewok partner take out 2 of the 4 Ridley Scott creations (#5 & 6 (you really should have seen the spear throw from that little furry guy, I mean right in the FACE, made ya proud to be a Return of the Jedi fan ya know (it was kind of like what it would have been like if Leonidas in 300 would have hit that Persian dude right in the face with the spear instead of just grazing his cheek (and if the Persian dude was a double faced alien of course)))).

Zombie Bryan Beckerman and Zombie Ryan Poteracki are squaring off against Anus the Touchable and Worm Becks, and by squaring off I of course mean that the two couples are having a passionate love-making competition to see who can cause the most vomit induction from innocent bystanders. Zombie Ryan and Zombie Bryan seem to be winning the contest, despite Worm Becks entire body being engulfed within his partner’s mutant colon. The two zombies suck face and grope one another in the way in which their formerly living counterparts always wanted to; but were too scurred because of oppressive conservative social norms and an undying fear that they would not be able to purchase baked goods should their love for one another become known. Instead of the typical yells of “BRAINS” they instead mumble the word “JOSH” over and over again. This of course being because the one person that they would rather be with instead of each other is of course their friend Josh, who they know is unattainable not only because he is so super straight, but also because they know that even middle-of-the-night-prison-rape is out of the question because of the fact that Josh could kick both their asses at the same time with one hand tied behind his back. So instead Bryan and Ryan engage in the tired old process of settling for Bryan and Ryan (#Teresa and Amy, #poor souls). But that does not stop them from being taken by the physical bliss mixed with undead zombie blood and rotting man-flesh falling from their blackened gums that is just soooooo typical of male on male zombie sex. Ginger Spice walks by and becomes so sickened at the sight that she basically catches zombieitus or whatever just from witnessing it. The sight of the naked zombie Becks causes her to heave uncontrollably. Trixie Firecracker then begins to rip off her clothes so she can pull off her own breasts just so she can have something to shove into her eyes, she dies right before Robin Thicke and his undersized (yet raging) boner can force himself onto the Spice Girl (she so wanted it). Robin Thicke then falls over dead from lack of talent, but at least as he does an enormous banner magically fall from the sky that says “Robin Thicke is a huge Dick”. Muhammad Ali’s horse begins projectile vomiting as well, so badly that it flings the boxer from his back before the steed dies of dehydration. Angelina Jolie’s kids are unaffected by this because all the slobbering reminds them of a mix of some of their home countries in which they were born, their mom without make-up on, and their father’s brief stint on the show Friends. Angelina herself is unaffected as well, because it reminds her of her brief relationship with Mick Jagger in her youth. Rachel Ray is vomiting as well (yeah, you got it, this joke still isn’t over); but she survives the experience because of her meals being such a good, quick, and efficient source of protein and vitamins. She throws her vomit-covered garbage bowl at Zombie Ryan to sever his brain in two, while Angelina Jolie’s brats pummel the nude Zombie Becks into the ground, whilst never actually separating the two zombies whose bodies will be eternally connected via butt and rotted genitalia. Anus the Touchable then finally finishes buttgasming do to what Worm Becks refers to as “The Super Sperm Squirm”. Anus the Touchable then forces out a green lantern laden mutant fart that propels Worm Becks out of his anus and into Skrull #25 and 26. Worm Becks and Anus are then put to rest by Capt. Boomerang because all of the melee fighting characters from Team SP refused to go anywhere near the duo.

Big Jim is off-roading through the desert with his truck and trailer that Fred didn’t actually start, while being chased by Danger Mouse and Ernest Penfold in their little convertible that Nick didn’t actually start. Big Jim drives directly over the much smaller Mouse and sidekick; but the red lantern explosion that is given off makes Big Jim rattle off a string of expletives that are definitely not appropriate for Holy Week. The superbad dumpster dude then joins his rodent prey in death.

Next up is Alan Thicke and his T.V. family who go all out in a full-frontal assault on The Team SP Pyramid Base. Alan Thicke is getting used to his green ring quite well, but Kirk Cameron has rejected his yellow ring altogether. You see he cannot produce fear or feel it himself because there is nothing to fear when you have Christ. For though he walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he will fear no evil, for the Lord is with him, his rod and his staff they comfort him. For the Lord makes him lie down in green pastures and leads him beside quiet waters. But on the other hand, God is love; and on the third hand (wouldn’t it be cool if that was a thing) have you seen Tracy Gold lately?? I mean that chick is scary. Talk about legit reasons TO have anorexia. So, needless to say the two Growing Pains brats just simply trade rings and all is well. Jeremy Miller on the other hand is just flying around in a circle with his Indigo Lantern Ring crying and complaining about the evils of subjecting children to television, while Joanna Kern does what she does best: hangs close to Alan Thicke while she charges up the power of his career,… err green lantern ring I mean. The whole fam then begins using their various lantern powers to begin crushing The Sleeping Pyramid (cool name for a base huh??). The pyramid starts closing in on itself as Alan Thicke screams: “HAHAHA SHRINKING PAINS BEOTCHES”!! Both of the Skrulls, both of the Xenomorphs, Darryl Revok, and Moss Man all die in the pyramid collapse (good thing the mosster got those 5 wicked solid kills at the beginning of the match to get on the board). Rachet then leads a final push from his squad that has Capt. Boomerang take out Joanna, Sunfire torches Tracy and Jeremy, while Rachet and Ash dispose of the leaders Kirk and Alan himself.

Oh, phew now that all of those super-powerful characters are out of the way I can clean up the riff-raff and really start this match:

Rachet, Sunfire, and Jubilee square off against Angel and The (red lanternized) Question. Angel moves swiftly with his blue lightsaber while the question spews a heavy dose of red rage energy to lend him some cover; but The Sleeping Pussies wake up and bravely take them both down.

The Mountain Dew Transformer then exposes The Jolie-Pitt clan to his non-organic, carb-laden flavor that makes them all die within seconds. His sugar rush then attracts Muhammad Ali, making him float over like a bee and sting like a butterfly against the robot’s hardened exterior, killing the legendary boxer. An excited Lazarus Long then comes flying in like a madman in his Fairchild VZ-5 as he has decided that he cannot wait to finally die today in this match. The man who has lived for so many hundreds of years and through so much adversity is reveling the opportunity to fly in a plane from his youth in what will finally be his last day of existence. Despite his major technology disadvantage, Lazarus Long swoops in, perfectly targets the robot, and pulls back up with ease to destroy the spark of the Mountain Dew Transformer.

Ash chainsaws Rachel Ray’s face off, while Sam Raimi directs from behind the scenes and laughs hysterically at his own work but then does not have the heart to let Ash win completely against Henry Jones Sr. who join each other in death while movie fans around the globe simultaneously complain and blow their loads all over the place.

Capt. Boomerang dodges a toss of Cap’s shield from the Immell clone of Steve Rogers and Steve Yzerman and then puts a boomerang into the skull of the Mike Illitch clone. Capt. Latin America then sneaks across the border into Team SP territory and picks up the star-spangled shield gaining benefits that no natural American would ever dream of asking for as he launches the shield into the temple of Jubilee to send her to the graveyard. But unfortunately for Captain Latin America this valiant act occurs only after Sunfire and Jubilee have laid to waste Cannon Man despite his FACE BEING A CANNON, as well as filling the bottomless stomach with fiery laser junk and taking out Kid Knee right above the ankle.

Lazarus Long has perhaps a little too much faith in his buddies, Capt. Latin America and the crew; as he does not know that they are losing their skirmish. Long crashes his plane in sacrifice into the SP Squad leader Rachet, while Sunfire and Capt. Boomerang converge on Capt. Latin America.





















Epilogue:

JOSHATU: Oh well, it looks like we will just have to cover this up and ignore it.

RYATU: I’m getting a little sick of our cover-ups; but oh well I don’t see any other way.

LAZARUS LONG: What the hell am I doing here?!!? Why the hell did you idiots resurrect me again?? That was my 10th death. For all powerful Watchers you guys sure do suck at counting.

RYATU: We did not resurrect you Mr. Long.

JOSHATU: This is simply what has come to be. You will be removed from the league, sent off on your own, with a new name and happy life and all will continue on as if this….. anomaly never took place.

LAZARUS LONG: Come on!! This is stupid, there must be some mistake. Just kill me already and be done with it.

RYATU: I want to agree with you more than you know Mr. Long; but unfortunately the writings of you are correct: You cannot die.

Week 6 Consortium

The Empire Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

The Empire is
-Sandworm #9
-Sandworm #13
-Duncan Idaho Ghola #10
-Count Hasmir Fenring
-Neo-Cymek #19
-Waluigue (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring)
-Ash (from Pokemon) (w/ Mandalrian Armor) w/
-Jiggly Puff
-Wiggly Tuff
-Mew
-Mewtoo
-Diglet
-Blastois (w/ yellow lantern ring) (-8)
-Charmeleon
-Grottle
-Wartortle (w/ green lantern ring) (-8)
-Infernape
-Diagla
-Palkia
-Rayquazza
-Reglrock
-Empoleon
-Prinplup
-Piplup &
-Drago
-Weirdwolf and Monzo
-Mon Mothma (w/ the green mantle)
-Eomer
-Sebulba
-4-Lom (w/ 2 green lightsabers) (-8)
-Zuckuss (w/ green lightsaber) (-9)
-Madman
-The Cyber Force:
-Stryker
-Cyber Blade
-Rip Claw
-Velocity
-Ballistic (w/ Star Wand) (-8)
-Heat Wave
-Impact
-Chris Benoit (w/ bottle of Xanax).
-Elite Stormtrooper #1-10

The Murderflies are:
-Tresspasser
-Onibaba
-Yamarishi
-Graboid #1
-Sandworm #4
-Sandworm #5
-Jawa #3
-Mars Attack Martian #1-6
-Al Qaeda Terrorist #12-20 (some are 8 or 9 death, some are not).
-Squirrel #15 (-9)
-Marine #40
-Jedi Knight #2A-5A
-Ninja #1-4, 13-15

In a vote of 6 to 0:

Be warned and take heed.

Week 6 - Midgets v Nut-busters

The sands are pretty sandy.  The dwarves of the Lord of the Rings look at Brood Alien #6.

Ori says “Hey, ugly. You look like a Uruk Hai.”

Dori says “you smell like one after he takes a dump!”

Brood Alien #6 runs to Ori and Dori.  Brood Alien fights the gang bang of dwarves.  Brood Alien #6 kills Oin and Gloin.  Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Bombur, Ori, Dori, Fili, Kili, Biffer and Boffer cut Brood Alien #6 to pieces.

Predator X #1-5 look at Yellow Toad and Blue Toad.  They rip the Toads apart because the Super Mario Brothers dudes are nothing more than happy jokes. Adi Gallia uses her blue lantern ring to pummel Predator X #1.  The Dune characters, Allia Atreides, Thufir Hawat, Princess Irulan, Stilgar and Fremen #52-56 use the location to their advantage and manage to kill all of the Predator X #2-5 with their special desert knives.

Green Dragons #3-14 come together and blow clouds of chlorine gas at the dwarves.

Green Dragon 3 says “you may have killed Smaug, but not our band of beasts.”

The huge cloud of chlorine gas engulfs the dwarves, killing Thorin Oakenshield and his band of merry dwarves.  Before their deaths, they sing:

Thorin sings, “We die on the Doky Doky Desert.”

Bombur sings, “We gave it all our guts.”

Fili sings, “We die for our team, the Midgets.”

Kili sings, “We die with sand in our butts.”

The dwarves die.

Bat-boy sees the destruction of the dragons and the dead dwarves.  Bat-boy poops in his hand and flings some guano at the Dragons.  In unison, the Dragons jump on Bat-Boy and eat him. 

Durge races in his Adardi AD-3 and due to his faulty vision because of his helmet, crashes it into the ground.  The Dragons attack, but the bounty hunter uses his weapons and kills a few of the Green Dragons.  Adi Gallia, Pre Viszla, Bontu Sitmus is joined by the Dune dwellers again and they manage to kill all of the Nut-buster Green Dragons #3-14.

Adi Gallia says, “This match sucked.”

Durge mumbles, “Tell me about it.”

Bontu Sitmus states, “No more guest watchers.  They are up to no good.  No good, I tell you.”

The surviving Midgets walk away in the sand.

 

 

Season 8 Week 5 Standings

Season 8, Week 5: Griswold's Nut-Busters vs. B3

B3 is: Predator X #6-19, Predators #15-44, Green Dragons #1-2, Marines #93-100, and Storm Troopers #46-49 and #75-80.

The Nut-Busters are The Brown Slacker, The Black Slacker, The Blacker Slacker, The Colored Slacker, The Dark Slacker, The Damn Near Purple Slacker, Sentinels #1-18, Brood #6-10, Predator X #1-5, Dementor #1-5, Green Dragon #3-9, Elmo, all of Aerosmith's current members, Tick-Tock, The Gump, Jack Pumpkinhead, Billina, Wald, Starship Troopers #82-87, Skeleton #7-10.

Miles above the surface of the Play-Off Planet, the Mighty Jackin' Power Slacker hovered as the Slackers inside surveyed the planet's regions for their enemy. "We got anything yet, Emmett?" The Dark Slacker asked. "Actually, yes. The thermal scanners are picking up a huge cluster of lifeforms in the jungle. Couldn't tell you what they are, but there are definitely a lot of them." replied The Colored Slacker. "Do we engage or not?" asked The Brown Slacker. "We don't have the fuel to stay up here forever, Kevin." The Dark Slacker hesitated, then answered "No. Find us the safest place to land. And Neil, contact Squad B. We'll have them do a little reconaisance."

The Slackers monitored Squad B (comprised of Elmo, Tick-Tock, Jack Pumpkinhead, Billina, and Wald riding The Gump) by radio as they flew in to explore the jungle for whatever creatures were waiting there. "Nothing so far, not even a track. Just your average wildlife, you sure you weren't seeing that?" Pumpkinhead crackled through the radio. "Are you questioning my competence? I didn't graduate top of my class at MIT to take flak from a talking pumpkin." snapped Neil. "What? No, I'm just saying, we haven't seen a thing. Jeez, you've been pretty salty since you guys came out as geniu-" Jack cut his sentence short and could be heard asking away from the radio, "Did anybody hear that? In the trees." There was a silence, followed by the sound of a blast and a scream muffled by the radio dropping to the ground. Jack was heard fumbling with the radio before he whispered urgently into it "The poor Gump's been shot out of the sky, but the attack came from nowhere! It's as if the jungle came alive and killed him!" "Look around, Jack, we need to know what we're dealing with here" urged Kevin. "There's nothing, I'm telling y- no... no, there's something there. Almost like heat haze, I can barely... my word, what is THAT?!" A vicious roar and clashing metal were the last things The Slackers heard before communications were lost. "Jesus... that can't be good. I've got no idea what makes a roar like that." The Colored Slacker admitted. "We can't risk any more individual groups. Right now, we give them everything we've got."

The Nut-Busters gathered at the western side of the Jungle and made their way in. Quickly the Sentinels were able to track down a trace of mutant genes, which lead them to the gruesome resting place of Squad B. The source of the trace was the liquid metal skin of a Predator X, which lay dead with Jack Pumpkinhead's sword driven between its eyes. Before anyone could ask, a dripping sound came from behind and the team discovered the lost squad's bodies hanging skinned from the treetops. "Oh boy..." said a nervous Blacker Slacker. "I think I just realized what we're dealing with." Before he could finish the thought, a thunderous thumping of heavy quadrupeds boomed through the forest and in an instant a dozen or more Predator X's were upon their team. Aerosmith's reflexes weren't what they used to be, and all the band but Steven Tyler were eaten by the beasts for their cancer-ridden, mutated DNA. While The Slackers formed the MJPS as fast as they could and the commons of their team began to fight back, B3's Marines and Storm Troopers arrived under the command of a pair of Predators. While their allies began to gain the upper hand in the attrition, the Power Slacker took down one of the Predators with its giant broken 40 bottle. The other cloaked and retreated, and the Power Slacker turned back to defend their team from the Predator X's tearing in to the Nut-Busters Sentinels and Brood. After their first kill on one of the creatures, the remaining five circled the Power Slacker and as they parried the first to pounce, a second tore off the the Slacker's left leg and Neil along with it. The Mighty Jackin' Power Slacker fell apart without the solidarity of the full team, and the individual Slackers scrambled to protect themselves without their combined power. As Kevin was eviscerated, the Dementors moved in to drain the life from the last handful of Predator X's. Steven Tyler hunched over the corpse of the killed Predator and, unable to resist the allure of its glowstick-juice blood, snorted up a small handful of the fluid just to see if he liked it. He felt his eyes begin to tingle and the Yautja power to see heat came to him. "Holy S*** guys, there's like 100 of these f***ers around here! Bad trip, I'm done with this." He ran away from the team into the jungle and was immediately cut down by an unseen force and dragged away. The team looked over the trees for the unseen Predators hunting them. Marcel thought fast and shouted to his allies "Mud! Cover yourselves in mud, it's the only chance we have!" As they rushed to scoop up the wet earth and slather it on themselves, the 29 remaining Predators uncloaked and unleashed a hail of blaster fire on the Nut-Busters, leaving nothing behind but a crater of smoking detritus.

Real Man's Rabble Rousers Vs. TEAM

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers are (book) Arachnid #1-10, Ewok #75, Yuzzem #15, Sand Trooper #10, Treasure Troll #26, Sardakaur Terror Troop #11-12, Gears, Topspin and Twintwist, Skids, Quick Switch, Blue Streak, Hardhead and Duros, Siren and Quig, Whirl, Nightbeat and Muzzle, Hubcap, Outback, (movie) Mirage, (movie) Showckwave, (movie) Driller, Domino, (movie) Sideways, Weasel, Max Mercury, Bishop, Stripe, Martin Blank, Van Helsing, K’ Kruhk, Dar’ Nala, Duncan Idaho Ghola #11, Death Bringer, Shiva, Michael “Tank” Ellis, Corporal Jen “Pilot” Chase, Oroko Nagi, Dark Side Acolyte #19, Fremen #58-63, and Jedi Guardian #5.

TEAM is Battletrap, Powerdasher Car, Drill, and Jet, Perceptor, Arcee, Luuke Skywalker, Zobie #1, Crutus Penari, Ewok #51, Trioculous, Separatist Commando #1-6, lady Votari, Sardakaur Terro Troop #25-28, Davtokk, Naboo Soldier #2-7, Melkor, Skeletor’s Personal Guards #1-2, Beorn, Gothmog, Glaurung, Gil-Galad, Varda, Aule, Lorien, Tulkas, Ghanima Atreides, Lady Jessica Atreides, Duncan Idaho Ghola #3, Duke Leto Atreides, Duke Paulus Atreides, Tomoe Gozen, Shimmell (w/ Halberd), Ethan Hunt, General Thade (w/ Dark Ring), Cypher, Sith Lord #6-7 (Darth Fuzzy and Darth Cocky), Cybertronian Guardian #6-7, Nightsister Sith Witch #19, and Cock Sneak Goomba #9.


TEAM…. , Or is it team? This tEaM that was once synonymous with greatness, once feared throughout the league, once the one true blood rival to The Horsemen of Apokolips, now no longer seems to hold such standing. As the winners of the first ever Universe Bowl, TEAM still has within its roster several people wearing Universe Bowl Rings. Some of those characters appear in this match today, cast aside as too nostalgic for most weekly squads, but not so important that they cannot be put out for this 5 death week. Fans of TEAM would have you believe that the TEAM has remained great. That they are simply biding their time and waiting for the perfect moment to make another epic play-off run. But team critics will speak of their momentous fall from grace. The Horsemen and TEAM; at one point were considered by all the two top tier franchises; but in recent years it would be hard to even make a career long comparison to George Washington’s Slaves or The Commandos who have both had far more success than team has of late. But as Duke Leto, his concubine Lady Jessica, his father Duke Paulus, his granddaughter Ghanima, as well as Ethan Hunt the TEAM trainer, and Gen. Thade among others proudly wear for display their Universe Bowl Championship Rings this squad seems as if they are about even odds with Real Man and his Rabble Rousers. An expansion team that was cast aside by its original owner, only to be shuffled off to the very troll that would mock the league that TEAM once dominated…..

Strategy be damned for this match, The Watcher in a most vindictive manner has scattered both squads throughout the map, in all corners of The Play-off Planet which has led to nothing more than breakouts of tiny skirmishes throughout the multi-faceted landscape.

You will be witnesses….

Jedi Guardian #5, almost silently makes his way through the heavily forested region, being well-aware of the TEAM History lesson listed above. As a character from The Season 1 draft that has been floating around the league for the last 8 years he knows that no team or TEAM should be taken lightly. As the Jedi hears rustling in the trees, he stands at the ready, the only sound being made by him being the quick ignition and low hum of his now ignited blue lightsaber. Battletrap leaps into action, with the opposite of silence surrounding him. Several trees fall to the ground like toothpicks as the Jedi Guardian leaps into action toward his attacker. The Jedi is quick, but Battletrap hits him with a punch in mid-air that sends him flying into a tree, not only breaking it in half; but doing the same to every bone in the Jedi’s humanoid frame.

The Fremen (#58-63) explore the landscape of this unfamiliar desert much like the Zensunni wanderers that were their ancestors. As they feel an uncomfortable rumble below them they stand prepared with their hands nearing the holsters bearing their crysknives and maula pistols. As the Powerdasher Drill comes crashing onto the scene from underneath them, they are shocked at how small the transformer looks in comparison to the massive worms that they are used to seeing. The Fremen leap into action against the giant robot and begin fiercely pounding on the Cybertronian with attacks that seem as though they could not possibly affect it. The hardened fists, fighting style, and attitudes of The Fremen manage to make their way through the hardened exterior of the robot and smash its spark into nothingness. Only Fremen #59 and #62 survive; but the Transformer is destroyed. The water of their former tribesman is a gift from their former friends, and a true blessing from Shai-Halud.

Dark Side Acolyte #19 slowly walks the salt water beach, pondering her future with the dark side, when the Powerdasher Car comes ripping through the wet sands. The Acolyte can barely ignite her lightsaber before the half robot form of the Powerdasher drives directly over her much smaller body.

Perceptor is working on several algorithms within his makeshift lab in the city in an attempt to locate some of his other TEAMmates and create an offensive plan, when he is stumbled upon by Oroko Nagi. What the Autobot has in brains lends very little to his fighting prowess, as he is unable to make contact with the much smaller ninja. Oroko Nagi takes a while to do so, but eventually chips away at the Cybertronian Metal exterior, until Perceptor’s energon level runs so low that he is unable to fight. Only the untouched Nagi walks away from the skirmish.

The Powerdasher Jet sits perched atop a nearby skyscraper, awaiting some sort of enemy activity, but does not even see Corporal Jen Chase sneaking inside the cockpit of the Autobot. After having disabled and reprogrammed dozens of similar robots with the power to easily crush her in her place. The one nicknamed Pilot easily uses her high-tech suit, tech, and know-how to wipe out the operating system connection to the Transformer’s spark and take over the controls of the Powerdasher Jet. Pilot then takes off with a new ship and one less enemy to worry about.

In the same city, but hundreds of feet below, Michael “Tank” Ellis another member of the Captain Power Team has teamed up with the mutant Shiva. Tank decides that he will stick close to this guy until they find some more Rabble Rousers to team with, when Arcee comes racing onto the scene in her Cybertronian Race Car Form. The Rabble Rousers open fire on Arcee, who swiftly transforms into her robot form and returns fire. Tank is hit in the crossfire; but his attacks lend enough time for Shiva to prove that his metal body is made of even sterner stuff than that of the best chick Autobot (which of course puts her somewhere near the bottom when ranked with all if them). Shiva stands triumphant and alone as the skirmish comes to a close.

Deep in the jungle, Jedi Master Crutus Penari and his trusty sidekick Ewok #51 sneak through the humid brush until they are confronted by Duncan Idaho and Death Bringer. Duncan Idaho and Penari break into an acrobatic exercise in the perfection of fighting prowess, while Death Bringer easily puts an ax through the face of the Endor native. Penari swings his lightsaber busting yellow blade toward the head of Idaho, but the Ginaz Swordmaster ducks out of the way and then delivers a blade directly into the midsection of Crutus. Less than a mile away in the same jungle, Luuke Skywalker and his undead paparazzi Zombie #1 easily dispatch K’ Kruhk and Dar’ Nala.

Back in the city, Trioculous leads a squad of six Separatist Commandos into a small office building where the hired assassin Martin Blank and the vampire slayer Van Helsing have taken up residence. Blank sets up a boobie trap that takes out three of the Commandos, while Van Helsing and Trioculous engage in a pitched battle (#Becks FO Life). Trioculous manages to deliver a lightsaber into the gut of Helsing; but in turn leaves himself open to a .40 caliber bullet to the brain. Unfortunately Blank is not able to finish the skirmish as the last remaining Separatist Commando (I believe in the whole league) puts a laser blast between his eyes, making him the sole survivor of this encounter (#2).

Lady Votari leads her group of Sardakaur Terror Troops into a forest enclave, where her force sensitivity and their fighting prowess allow them to easily defeat Bishop and Stripe (only Sardakaur #25 & 28 do not make it out).

Melkor has set up a throne room not quite fit for an evil Lord of his stature; but a throne room nonetheless, deep in the forested region. His two protectors being the former guards of Skeletor himself. They are stumbled upon by the powerful trio of Sideways, Max Mercury, and their buddy Weasel (okay, maybe a powerful duo). The Speedster and the Transformer manage to take out both of Skeletor’s guards but Melkor unleashes a fury of evil incarnate that not even a Cybertronian can withstand, nor any speed force user outrun.

Davtokk and his six Naboo soldiers have commandeered a vessel in an attempt to gain a water power advantage, but before they can even board the ship Shockwave and Driller, joined by the mutant Domino ambushed them. Davtokk and his followers once they were focused were actually able to extinguish the spark of Driller; but Shockwave and Domino easily finished off the rest of them.

Back in the forest, the unlikely duo of Beorn and Gothmog, have ripped apart Whirl, Nightbeat, and Muzzle. But Glaurung and Gil-Gilad had some horrible luck against Hubcap, Outback, and Mirage.

The select members of The Valor: Varda, Aule, Lorien, and Tulkas manage to dissipate the sparks of Hardhead, Duros, Siren, and Quig, but their mighty yet failing power was unable to complete the task without sacrificing the lifeforce of Tulkas.

Ghanima Atreides and her grandmother, the Lady Jessica positioned deep into the desert were able to take out Quick Switch with their weirding ways; but they were not quite quick or powerful enough to take out two Transformers at once, as his partner Blue Streak was able to finish off the two Atreides noblewomen soon after Quick Switch was killed.

Duncan Idaho has managed to protect his Duke (Leto) from the massive amounts of blaster fire being distributed by Gears, Topspin, Twintwist, and Skids by hiding behind a thick jungle tree; but he knows that he can’t hold out forever. Idaho calls for back-up to an old locker room ally of his and is then granted support from a mini-squad led by Nightsister Sith Witch #19, consisting of Cybertronian Guardian #6 & 7, & Cock Sneak Goomba #9. The C.S. Goomba sneaks its last cock after being stomped on Gears; but the rest of the backup mixed with Duncan and Leto take out the Autobot foursome.

Duke Paulus pulls his ceremonial broad sword from its sheath to do away with the double team of both Sardakaur #11 & 12, all while he is stomping on Treasure Troll #26.

Tomoe Gozen, the only true female samurai, wanders the desert alone, and makes short work of Sand Trooper #10, on her way to bravely battling and then running through Yuzzem #15, despite the furry alien’s quick and vicious attacks.

Shimmell (w/ her halberd) attacks. A stunning attack inflicts 36 points of damage on Ewok #75. Ewok #75 is defeated.

In a rundown part of the city, Arachnid #1-10 rush in to attack, but they are met by Ethan Hunt, Gen. Thade, Cypher, Darth Fuzzy, and Darth Cocky. The five skilled Season 1 veterans manage to evade the laser fire and melee attacks of the super-intelligent oversized bugs and to battle back with superior fighting technique. Only Cypher is killed once the last Arachnid ceases breathing.

The remaining Real Men gather in an abandoned building in the heart of the Play-off Planet’s city (aren’t they all abandoned though??). While Duke Leto formulates a counter-offensive from all angles. The limited communication provides no opportunity for a true plan; but it does bring their superior numbers together for one final push. The Cybertronian laser defensive strategies and technology of the makeshift fort, almost instantly takes out Zombie #1, the over-sized Cybertronian Guardians, Nightsister Sith Witch #19, Separatist Commando #2, Sardakaur #26 & 28, and Shimmell; and the protective curse set out by Death Bringer proves too much for Lady Votari, Varda, Aule, and Lorien, causing them to expire into the great void as well.

With the initial damage done, the remaining Real Men come rushing out of the fortified building and the final leg of the battle begins. Duncan Idaho and Duncan Idaho square off with each other in holtzman shield combat and join each other in death after using the exact same moves and training. Death Bringer then brings some deaths to the over-confident and peach-fuzzed Darth Cocky and Darth Fuzzy, while The Australian sounding Autobot Outback and the outback acting Beorn join each other in death (but not before Beorn takes out Hubcap too).

Corporal Jen “Pilot” Chase takes one for the team by crashing her ship which was once the Powerdasher Jet into Gothmog in true kamikaze fashion to take out the balrog.

General Thade takes on both of the remaining Fremen at once and leaves no person remaining in the sietch with whom to share their water; and then uses his Dark Ring to cast a stunning attack of Blaze 3 to finish off Mirage. Luuke uses his superior lightsaber techniques to attack and destroy the spark of Blue Streak with pinpoint accuracy, while Ethan Hunt brings a streak of bad luck to Domino under the guise of repeated G-34 fire riddling her body after she took out the sword-wielding duo Paulus Atreides and Tomoe Gozen.

Shiva and Shockwave make a final run and combine fire to rip apart Battletrap and the Powerdasher Car; and then use the wreckage to crush the not-so-nice clone of Luke Skywalker, who was too busy evading the magical attacks of Death Bringer to notice the flying debris.

Duke Leto then orders his trio of Season 1 draft picks to form up and make their last defensive stand. Ethan Hunt: The TEAM Trainer, General Thade: The TEAM Tactician, and the Noble Born Leto Atreides stand prepared in defensive position as Death Bringer, Shiva, Shockwave, and Oroko Nagi make their final push; but before this sloped melee skirmish can come to fruition, Melkor slams his iron clad foot to the ground and channels a force of evil that is so powerful that it once controlled even the likes of Sauron the Deceiver. Hunt, Thade, and Leto all shield their eyes as the remaining Real Men melt into the nothingness that is true malice…..

S8W5: Midgets vs. Kitties

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are:  Ron Popeil, Jedi Master #33A-35A &17B-19B, Velociraptor #21-23, Dwarf#1 on Pony#1, Ent Wife #1, Troll#1, Evil Dwarf#1, Bene Gesserit Reverend Mothers #1 &5-6, New Sisterhood Reverend Mother #1, Honored Matre #1, Bene Gesserit#2, Mentat #1, Centaur #1-6, Gold Dragon #3-8, Green Dragon #27, Purple Dragon #13, Brass Dragon #7, Copper Dragon #10, Dragon #1, Griffin #11, Storm Trooper #62-71, Sand Trooper #11-22, Ice Bros #1-6, Zombie Silver Dragon #2, Suk Doctor #19, Avian #1, Balrog #3, Dark Jedi Master #13A-14A, Nightbrother #2 & 4, Dark Side Acolyte #2, Dark Side Adept #3, NCIS crew (Mike Franks, Dr. Donald Mallard, Abby Sciuto), Flint Fireforge, Thorin Oakenshield, Balin, Oin, Gloin, Dwalin, Bombur, Ori, Dori, Kili, Fili, Bifur, Bofur.

Layanderletsons’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are: Scott Pilgrim, Wallace Wells, Kim Pine, Stephen Stills, Dr. Liet Kynes, Dr. Liet Kynes Ghola, Dr. Pardot Kynes Ghola, Tugg Speedman “Four Leaf Tayback”, Kirk Lazarus “Sgt. Lincoln Osiris”, Jeff Portnoy “Fats”, Alpa Chino “Motown”, Kevin Sandusky “Brooklyn”, Princess Wensica, The Peach, Assassin X, Major Maxim, Natalie Kassie, Deuce, Abbey Chase, Silicon Valerie, Sydney Savage, J.C., Secret Agent Zero, President Skroob, Scott Evil, Fat Bastard, Zak Saturday, Solomon “Doc” Saturday, Drew Saturday, Fiskerton, Komodo, Zon, Doyle Blackwell, Josh Hutcherson, Nexu #3, DArk Side Adept #14, Finn McCool, Nichol Valdez, Super Battle Droid #1-2, Copper Dragon #9, Purple Dragon #23, Bronze Dragon #7, Twisted Mentat #2, Decepticon #3-6, Predator#47, Ice Bros #7-10, Brachiosaurus #10, Xenomorph #51, Black Dragon #12, Silver Dragon #16, Brass Dragon #8, Griffin #23, Uruk Hai #1-8, Benegesserit Reverend Mother #2, Ginaz Swordsmen #13, Avian #4-5, Balrog #2, Navy Seal Chief #5-6, Droid Fighter ship #3-6, Knights of Solamnia #7-10, Jedi Master #8A-15A &50A, Duncan Idaho Ghola#2, Horse #26.

“Neigh” Says Horse #26.

“Look, Baby.  All I’m sayin’ is that I don’t care if you are 100% Horse. Maybe we don’t need to make war today.” a smooth talking Centaur #1 says stroking the mane of the exquisite looking equine.  “You have the most beautiful coat.  What I wouldn’t give to-”

WACK!!  Horse #26 suddenly gets an arrow to her head by Centaur #2 and dies instantly.

“Hey! I was just about to get those digits!” an angry Centaur #1 yells to his teammate.

“We have a battle to win.” says Centaur #2 being joined by the others. “Get over it.”

“GET IN MY BELLY!” Yells Fat Bastard running at the 6 Centaur.  Scott Evil is charging with him along with the Secret Saturdays crew.  Scott must have went back up to his bedroom before the match started because he has a gun and is able to shoot 4 of the Centaur before Doc Saturday dispatches of the other 2.  Fat Bastard immediately begins to feast on just the horse half of the 6 centaur. They are suddenly rushed by a wave of Midgets, Velociraptors and Storm Troopers move in as backup arrives for the kitties.  The Kitties Decepticons are stomping on Trolls and Dwarves while Ron Popeil has taken the Lightsabers off the fallen bodies of his comrades and is over to the side ripping parts off fallen robots and I am sure will have an invention for us soon.

Xenomorph #51 and Predator #47 are fighting even though they are on the same team.  Josh Hutcherson yells at his teammates: “Isn’t there a movie that already figured out which one of you is better?”

Brachiosaurus #10 whips his long tail around killing the Dark Jedi Masters.  Brass Dragon 7 circling overhead burns the head of the giant beast.  He falls with a mighty thud and several members of each team are crushed under his massive weight.

Scott Pilgrim climbs on the back of Black Dragon #12 and they take to the sky torching everything.  Other members from both teams follow his lead, for the Kitties, The Tropic Thunder Crew is sharing the back of Silver Dragon #16, Ron Popeil with his new invention is on the back of Copper Dragon #10 and Finn McCool on Purple Dragon #23.

On the ground, Sydney Savage, Natalie Kassie and the Danger Girl crew are ready to attack the Bene Gesserit Mothers for the Midgets.  Thorin Oakenshield and his band of dwarves give them an unexpected party and ambush their ambush.  Axes hit their mark with a satisfying crunch of bones and mist of red.  Kili, Fili, Ori and Dwalin (aww, he was my favorite) as well as the Bene Gesserits are lost in the melee but so too are the Danger girl crew.  Their celebration is short lived as the battle is fast paced.  

Both teams fight in a dense forest and the little light is making it through the canopy of the trees, is being further diffused by the swarming dragons taking their fight to the air. Dragons from both teams take shot at each other and at the forest below without regard to team affiliation.  Chaos in the sky.

The surface playoff planet suddenly moves.  The planet is alive and without warning or prediction, the entire forest disappears and is replaced by an expansive desert.  Two suns supply light to the playoff planet and both are scorching overhead.  The cover of the forest is gone and in a panic, both teams charge toward one another in that genius way that soldiers in britain used to do war back in the 1700’s before drones and nukes existed.  Sgt, Four Leaf is spraying imaginary bullets at the other dragons while Alpa Chino throws cans of Booty Sweat.

Ron Popeil on the back of his dragon is ready to unleash the “Wheel-O-Death 3000”.  Using a windshield wiper motor from one of the Decepticons and 5 lightsabers, he turns on his invention and perishes immediately.  The lightsabers were not secured properly to the invention and he and his dragon fall from the sky.  The other lightsabers become projectiles of death and kill Green Dragon #27 and Brass Dragon #8.

The planet comes alive again and the temperature plummets to -20.  Many of the still standing animals die including the last 2 Gold Dragons who fall to the ground.  The Ice Bros from each team are loving it and start to have a snowball fight.  In fact, everyone is now just throwing snow at each other.  They are having so much fun when….

The planet turns into an endless sea and everyone is plunged into the depths of ice cold water.

Within a matter of seconds, the planet returns back to the forest form from which it started the match.  Scott Pilgrim can only watch in amazement as every combatant on the ground has now vanished and is trapped inside the planet… somewhere.

He lands Black Dragon as Finn McCool and the Tropic Thunder Crew touchdown as well.  “Did you people see that!?” exclaims Finn McCool in disbelief.

“What do you mean ‘You People’?” snaps back an annoyed Osiris.

“Can it.” Says Scott Pilgrim.  “I hear something.”

Indeed a voice can be heard a few hundred yards away.  The 7 remaining (human) members of the Kitties stalk through the trees to investigate.  They see just the head of Abby Sciuto and her stupid black ponytails sticking out of the ground.

“Oh good.  Help me please!  I don’t know what happened! First I was treading water and then the water was gone!” a panicked Abby says.

Scott looks at Finn and asks,  “You want to help her out or should I?”

Finn smiles, draws his sword and approaches the wiggling head of the last Midgets member.

S8W5: Barkleys Vs. Horsemen

Charles Barkey's Turrible Decisions are: Captain Universe, Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Matt Parkman, Claire Bennett w/Asohka Tano's green lightsaber, Hiro w/blue lightsaber, The Haitian, Blue Dragon #7-12, Red Dragon #19-22, Sandworms of Saturn #2 and #5, Ajax, Barbarossa, Golen Army #31-33, Golden Army #34 (Inge-bot), Golden Army #35 and 36, Super Cyborg Charles Barkley, Super Cyborg Michael Jordan, Balrog #1, Manhunters #4-6, Stargirl, S.T.R.I.P.E., Squeeze Play, Lokas, Nexu #2, Marine #70-78, Skeleton #1-6, and Ewok Child #2-5.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Eternity, Hargen the Measurer, Tefral the Surveyor, Nezzar the Calculator, Gammenon the Gatherer, Arishem the Judge, Jemiah the Analyzer, Eson the Searcher, Oneg the Prober, Ziran the Tester, Colossus (Juggernaut), Daken, Dark Archangel, War, Famine, Pestilence, Death, Ozymandius (Clan Akkaba), Yellow Lantern Freddy Kreuger, Dalton, Wade Garrett, Private James F. Ryan, Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki, and Arachnid #21-40.

In week 5, The Horsemen of Apokolips unleashed a firestorm of cosmic power on the FFL, and even they were unaware of the potentially disasterous consequences that would follow. In space, The Celestials silently compiled data to determine the fate of the Playoff Planet below. One by one, the "thumbs down" was given, and there came a day when Eternity itself decided to cut the cancer known as the Playoff Planet out of the universe.

Could Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions save the beloved Playoff Planet, or have The Horsemen's own turrible decision doomed it? Will future playoff matches be held in a local bingo hall from now on? Find out after this "not as good as it could be" fight sequence!!!

Most of The Barkleys are stationed in the desert section of the planet, as there is little point in them occupying another section. Here, they are at their strongest, and they await The Horsemen's charge. Normally, The Horsemen engage the enemy on their own terms, but this is an exception. Their scout Private James F. Ryan has been captured, and they intend to save him. (Sounds like an awesome movie, someone should make that).

With little tact and zero subterfuge, The Horsemen run headlong into battle using their superior numbers to their advantage. The army of Starship Trooper Arachnids lead the charge, with Juggernaut-Colossus, Daken, War, Famine, Pestilence, Death, Ozymandius, Dalton, and Wade Garrett trailing slightly behind them. Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki and Dark Archangel stay where they are to survey their team's progress from a distance.

Green Lantern Ryan is lounging on a green light construct of a lawn chair, and is fanned by beings of light energy (Yes, of course they are shaped as hot chicks.) Dark Archangel, however, seems less than enthused about the course of action.

"Is this wise? There was reletively little discussion or forethought into our strategy" observes Dark Archangel.

GL Ryan laughs. "Duh, of course this is wise. We have an army of Arachnids between us and the enemy, and if they somehow get through them, we have some serious asskickers backing them up. And, if by some miracle they actually make it close to us, we got something for them" states GL Ryan as his ring sparks with emerald energy.

"We do not need to stay behind like cowards! We should be leading our team to victory!" suggests an increasingly annoyed Dark Archangel.

"Ha! Good one! This match is 5 deaths a piece, and I'm in no mood to head to the Graveyard just yet. Plus, honestly, you're the man Warren! One of my favorites, but unfortunately, we never get a chance to hang out. So... how are the kids?" asks GL Ryan.

Dark Archangel grabs GL Ryan by the throat. "Warren is no longer my name. I am Apocalypse, and I tire of your foolishness. Only the fittest shall survive my wrath" vows Dark Archangel as he flies off to join the fight.

"Whatta d*ck" comments GL Ryan to himself as he dusts himself off. He remakes his relaxing constructs, and continues to watch the melee from a distance.

The Horsemen's Arachnids are the perfect storm troopers, and easily overwhelm The Barkley's first line of defense, Golden Army #31-36. This includes the always polarizing Golden Army soldier #34, Inge-bot. They have losses, but they are minimal as move on to attack Nexu #2, Marine #70-78, Skeleton #1-6, and Ewok Child #2-5.

Dalton and Wade Garrett are using their Roadhouse skills to kick Super Cyborg Charles Barkley and Super Cyborg Michael Jordan into scrap metal, although to be fair, Barkley and Jordan had bet on their opponents to win. War's ax, Daken's claws, and Jugger-lossus' power easily make short work of Stargirl, S.T.R.I.P.E., Squeeze Play, and Lokas. Barkley's Dune Titans Ajax and Barbarossa are gaining some momentum, and have crushed Ozymandius, Pestilence, Famine, and some Arachnids. An arriving Dark Archagel takes offense at the killing of his personal horsemen, and quickly smashes the Titans' brain containers with his metallic wings. The now lifeless husks are torn asunder by the ravenous Arachnids that still swarm the area. Only one Barkley is left standing after this skirmish: Balrog #1. The LoTR beast is not going down easily, and his flaming whip engulfs Dalton, Wade Garrett, Daken, and a few Arachnids in an inferno. Jugger-lossus marches through the fire, and laughs before his devastating punch relieves the Balrog of it's head. With the sector seemingly clear, The Horsemen survey the area, tryting to find their lost scout Private James Ryan. They find the last of Mrs. Ryan's boys not far from the battle, and his discovery leads to an uncharacteristic display of emotion and comraderie from the team.

GL Ryan looks through a pair of light constructed binoculars, and is disgusted by the scene. "Ugh, f*ckin pussies" he mutters to himself. "Whatever, a win is a win." he reasons as he continues to relax. Soon, his emerald energy chair begins to dematerialize.

"No man escapes The Manhunters" say Manhunter #4, #5, and #6 in unison. They drain the power from GL Ryan's power ring, and the rest of his creations dissipate. This includes the fanning women, which really has GL Ryan steamed.

"No! Not the babes! It took me all day to perfect that kind of hotness! Now I'm pissed." GL Ryan says. The Manhunters ignore him and continue to fly in for the kill.

"It would be a real shame if a certain Roster Wizard decided to add you guys to the death list for the week, wouldn't it?" threatens GL Ryan.

The Manhunters disappear into thin air as a fudged death list becomes reality. GL Ryan sees his team in the distance still celebrating the saving of Private Ryan, and decides to walk over and get their asses in gear. He doesn't take many steps before he feels a tremor beneath the sand. A puzzled GL Ryan takes out his phone to look over the Barkley's roster and see if there is anything he has missed. His eyes widen in disbelief as he realizes a fatal mistake. "IT'S A TRAP!!!" yells GL Ryan Ackbarishly, but he is still too far away for his teammates to hear him.

The Barkley's Sandworms of Saturn #2 and #5 erupt from beneath the sand and consume many stunned Horsemen easily. They corral the survivors of the attack in between them, and the 4 Red and 6 Blue Dragons of The Barkley's swoop in from high above to provide air support. Their breath weapons of fire and lightning are devastating to the concentrated Horsemen, and all are not long for this world. Luckily for The Horsemen, the disease inducing aura of Death gave the Sandworms and assorted Dragons GonoSyphaHerpeAIDS, so they eventually die a painful death. The desert action has ended, as no one remains on the battlefield, save GL Ryan Poteracki. He views the carnage, and regrets underrating The Barkley's strategy.

"This is all your fault!" screams GL Ryan at his still drained power ring.

We head back to space, where nothing has changed. Eternity and the gathered Celestials are still floating above the Playoff Planet, seemingly actionless. In reality, they are disassembling the planet molecule by molecule, which, naturally, is taking forever. They do this as to not disrupt the galaxy around them too suddenly, and frankly, when you're immortal, you have time to do things the right way. Unfortunately, it is as boring as it gets, so what say we head back to the surface of the planet, and check in on a ragtag group of Barkley's Heroes.

Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Hiro, Claire Bennett, Matt Parkman and The Haitian are gathered on a peaceful plain, while Captain Universe meditates to divine any kind of plan to stop the Celestials and Eternity. He uses the Enigma Force to synch with the will of the universe. And the Heroes continue to wait.

"I should take his power for myself. I will finish this alone!" boasts Sylar.

"No. He said he doesn't understand why, but this is a team effort. All of us are needed, including you. Now he just has to figure out how we pull this off" says the even tempered Peter Petrelli. The Haitian, Matt Parkman, Hiro, and Claire Bennett agree.

Captain Universe extends the power of the Enigma Force outward, sharing his unlimited power with the Heroes. They fly to the outreaches of space and confront The Celestials. The unpredictable energy is erasing The Celestials from existence one by one, until Eternity itself loses conciousness.

"That's quite the story. To bad you fell asleep while meditating. The planet's plains section can be quite tranquil this time of year" observes The Horsemen's Yellow Lantern Freddy Kreuger. In the land of dreams, even Captain Universe is just another victim to YL Freddy, and his hand blades prove it by eviserating the Captain.

"Thank you" coughs a downed Captain Universe. "I knew I was not to be the champion this day, but you have insured that the real Captain would be chosen to right the universe. You may have mastery of the dreamscape, but the Enigma Force can at least keep you here with me until the end. You must know what happens to you when you die in a dream, don't you?" explains Captain Universe with a bloody smile.

YL Freddy desperately attempts to find any way out of his predictament, but soon the lights go out for both combatants.

The Enigma Force quickly scans the remaining Barkleys to select it's new bearer. Peter Petrelli is deemed worthy, and feels his cosmic senses expanding. He hears the universe itself whisper the divine plan to him, and he follows his new insticts. The lifeforces and the subsequent powers of his Heroes comrads are added to him by the Enigma Force, and he flies through the atmospere and into space to confront Eternity itself.

Peter speaks to Eternity in a language reserved for only the highest of cosmic beings.

"Listen carefully to my words, Eternity. I have the universe itself on my side, and it is telling me that The Celestials decision on The Playoff Planet is wrong. It may seem wise and prudent to destroy the planet. We are all aware of the destruction that occurs here, and it is very much a tumor on the wellbeing of our reality. But the tumor is benign. All of the nonsense and insanity is confined to one place for now, and if it is destroyed, who knows what havoc The FFL could unleash on the cosmos? What part of the universe will be tainted and contaminated next? Anywhere will be free game to them, and that will be far more dangerous to the universal balance, and also yourself. The Celestials knew this, and their actions would have eventually destroyed you, allowing them to become the new Eternity. Listen to the cosmic wind, and know I speak the truth" explains Peter Petrelli.

Eternity considers the facts and agrees with the bearer of the Enigma Force. He is displeased with the self serving judgement of The Celestials, and determines that they are the true danger to universal balance. They are destroyed with a thought, and Eternity leaves the Playoff Planet in peace.

Peter Petrelli and the combined might of the other Heroes has righted a cosmic mistake, and all is balanced again. There is no longer a need for The Enigma Force to occupy his body, so it leaves him, and will find it's next champion when the universe is again desperate for a savior. As Peter returns to normal, the vacuum of space quickly kills him. No one ever said being a Hero, even one on a scale like this, was rewarding.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions have saved the Playoff Planet!!!

Season 8, Week 5 Match: The Royal Highness vs. Obama's Best of Both World's Touring Battalion of Commandos

“And the planets of the universe,
Go their way;
Not astounded by the sun or the moon,
Or by the day;
You and I will simply disappear,
Out of sight;
Well but I'm afraid soon there'll be,
No light.”

            “Planets of the Universe,” Stevie Nicks

 

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 8, Week 5 Match located on the Playoff Planet.  They are as follows:

The Royal Highness: Mogo, Q2, the Grandmaster, The Collector, The Gardener, The Possessor, Apocalypse, Ronan the Accuser, The Blue Marvel, The Flash ( Barry Allen), Paul Atreides, Sandworm 8, Atreides Soldiers 11-15, Spider-Gwen, Spider Girl, Lex Luthor, Molecule Man, Pyro, T-X, Mumm-Ra and Mutt, Deep 6: Attuma with atlas axe, Naga, Orka, Pirahna, Sea Urchin, Tiger Shark, Eggplant Wizard, Doozer 3, Marines 88-90, Futar 1-2, 7-10, Balrog 5, Skeletor’s Crack Troops 2-5, 14-15, Stormtroopers 84-87 and the Death Star.

Commandoes: Whizzy the Super Cat, Batzarro, The Question with Atrocitus’s red ring, Original Human Torch, Rhino, Vindicator, Baby Nightcrawler, Jared Nomak with Despotellis’s yellow ring, Reapers 1-6, Insecticons: Venom, Ransack, Barrage, Chop Shop, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale, T-3 Terminator, Space Jockey, Dr. Alan Grant with green lantern ring, Dr. Elle Satler with blue lantern ring, Professor Henry Jones, Sr. with white lantern ring, Clairy Fray with Katniss Everdeen’s bow and arrow, Secret Circle: Cassie Blake, Jake Armstrong, Faye Chamberlain, Diana Meade, Adam Conant, Melissa Glaser, Jonathan Levinson, Warren Mears, Andrew Wells, Cecelia “CeCe” Jones and Raquel  “Rocky” Oprah Blue, Flynn Jones, Ty Blue, Deuce Martinez, Gunther Hessenheffer, Tinka Hessenheffer, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, Danger Mouse with red lantern ring, Ernest Penfold with red lantern ring, Herculoids: Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop and Gleep, Jax with yellow lantern ring, Jen Linley with star sapphire ring and green lightsaber, Mansquito, Joan Jett with indigo lantern ring, Gungan Soldiers 14 (trident)-39, Sardakurs 13 and 50-57, Ewok Child 9, Doozer 9, Blue Dragons 13-14, Skeletor’s Crack Troops 7-12, Duncan Idaho Ghola 12 and Sand Troopers 1-5. 

Let the battle begin. . .

The Royal Highness Locker Room. . .

Marines 88-90, Futars 1-2, 7-10, Balrog 5, Skeletor’s Crack Troops 2-5, 14-15 and Stormtroopers 84-87 sit on their bench, waiting for the signal to join their ranks.

Desert [Grid 4.23]. . .

Paul Atreides stands before Atreides Soldiers 11-15.  Atreides scoops a cup of sand in his right hand.  The bottom of his palm opens and the grains begin to fall.

Atreides: These are the grains of sand beneath our feet!  These are the grains of sand of our battlefield.  These.  Are.  The.  Grains.  Of.  Sand.  Of.  Our.  Desert!!!

Atreides raises his left arm and his soldiers follow, crysknives in hand.  Sand Troopers 1-5 take aim at the Dune inhabitants. 

Sand Trooper 1 (laughs):  Who brings knives to a blaster fight?

Atreideis Soldiers 11 and 14 are killed instantly.  Atreides Soldiers 12, 13 and 15 throw their crysknives at the Sand Troopers.  The crysknives split the armor of their targets and Sand Troopers 1, 2 and 3 drop, mortally wounded.  As Sand Troopers 4-5 are about to shoot the remaining Atreides Soldiers, they are swallowed by the sands beneath their feet. A horrendous belch is heard.   

Duncan Idaho Ghola 12 is surrounded by Sardakurs 13 and 50-57.  Ghola rushes Atreides and the two battle one another while the Sardakurs dispel with Atreides Soldiers 12, 13 and 15, only losing Sardakur 13 in the skirmish.  Ghola manages to cut Atreides, but the Mahdi eventually kills the Tleilaxu bred warrior. Just as the Sardakurs surround Atreides, Sandworm 8 bursts forth from the sand, Sand Trooper armor brandishing its gullet.  Sandworm 8 swallows Sardakurs 50-57.  Paul Atreides smiles and stands with his beast. 

Water. . .

Attuma holds an atlas axe, floating with fellow Deep 6 teammates, Naga, Orka, Pirahna, Sea Urchin and Tiger Shark.  Gungan Soldier 14 raises his trident while behind him swim the vicious Gungan Soldiers 15-39. 

Gungan Soldier 14:  Meesa brrothersss and sisterrrss!!!  Wesah swimmmm to victoree, or enter the Graaaveyard!!! 

The Gungans swarm the Highness crew.  Blood filters through the water as the Gungans strike often and repeatedly.  Sea Urchin is miraculously stripped of his power suit and drowns.  The homo mermanus, Orka, is the next to succumb to the sheer numbers of the water Commandoes. The remnant Deep 6ers, in reality, is just too strong for the Gungans.  All of the common Naboo soldiers are eventually killed, but taking in death with them, Naga.

Attuma: To land.

Pirahna and Tiger Shark follow their leader toward the shore.

City. . .

The Rhino careens to a halt as he is webbed by both Spider Gwen and Spider Girl.  Skeletor’s Crack Troops 7-12 burst from a building and begin to fire their weapons at the Spiderverse characters.  Using their spider senses, both Spider Gwen and Spider Girl easily dodge the firings.  The two women use their webbing and strength to dislodge a large billboard of J. Jonah Jameson.  The monstrous structure falls to the ground, crushing all of the Crack Troops.  While the duo search the robotic carnage under the billboard, the two fail to notice Rhino escaping and then running down the street to gather additional forces.

The Royal Highness Locker Room. . .

Marines 88-90, Futars 1-2, 7-10, Balrog 5, Skeletor’s Crack Troops 2-5, 14-15 and Stormtroopers 84-87 sit on their bench, waiting for the signal to join their ranks.

Desert [Grid 1.27]. . .

Doozer 3 meets Doozer 9.  The two fight to an embittered standstill.  Both are bloodied and covered with sand as two blue behemoths lumber to the scene.  Blue Dragons 13 and 14 open their gaping maws and dispense waves of lightning at the two three inch characters.  They are both incinerated.  Mumm-Ra’s Mutt races toward the dragons, loudly barking.  The brutish canine is burnt to a crisp.  Seeing his pet destroyed, the Thundercats’ nemesis calls upon the mystical arts and uses his own form of electrokinesis.  Mumm-Ra’s power shred both Blue Dragons 13 and 14.  Mumm-Ra kneels before his pet and becomes enraged.  Mumm-Ra’s eyes glow with venom.

Space. . .

Mogo orbits around the Playoff Planet.  The entire brigade of Commando ring bearers focus on the living planet’s power battery.   The green lantern’s battery is pummeled by the Question’s red lantern ring, Jared Nomak’s yellow lantern ring, Dr. Alan Grant’s green lantern ring, Dr. Elle Satler’s blue lantern ring, Professor Henry Jones Sr’s white lantern ring, Danger Mouse’s red lantern ring, Ernest Penford’s red lantern ring, Jax’s yellow lantern ring, Jen Linley’s star sapphire ring and Joan Jett’s indigo lantern ring.  The spectrum’s barrage is too much for Mogo’s energy cell.  The battery is overwhelmed and shuts down.  Mogo falls into a comatose state of death.  The planet’s green essence ceases to exist and Mogo is no more in this week five match.

Mountains. . .

While holding his special staff in his left hand, Eggplant Wizard launches his magical attack on Vindicator.  Vindicator’s suit takes the brunt of the burst and throws her into the mountainous terrain.  While focused on Vindicator, Molecule Man swirls his hands and creates an energy beam launched at the Eggplant Wizard.  The Eggplant Wizard explodes.  Meanwhile, Pyro sends a burst of flames at Clairy Fray, who avoids the fires and pulls her drawstring, launching an arrow straight through the eye and brain of Pyro.  Molecule Man pushes a force field around Fray and tightens it, sucking the oxygen from her lungs, killing the Mortal Instruments’ character.  Molecule Man then takes on the Insecticons.  Although the villain manages to destroy Barrage and Chop Shop, Ransack and Venom take advantage of the numbers and destroy the man.  Vindicator joins her teammates after shaking off the effects of the skirmish.

 The Royal Highness Locker Room. . .

Marines 88-90, Futars 1-2, 7-10, Balrog 5, Skeletor’s Crack Troops 2-5, 14-15 and Stormtroopers 84-87 sit on their bench, waiting for the signal to join their ranks.

City. . .

Lex Luthor stands in his battle armor, facing imminent doom.  The Buffyverse trio, Jonathan Levinson, Warren Mears and Andrew Wells has lured the super-villain from his stronghold into the streets.  Having matched the mind of Luthor, the three have concocted a dastardly deed to dispel Luthor from the fight.  Mears presses a button and dance music emanates from loudspeakers which are strewn across the area.  The music plays from the stanza.

Bring the lights up!
Bust the doors down!
Dust yourself off,
Shake it up!
Shake it up!

Cecelia “CeCe” Jones, Raquel “Rocky” Oprah Blue, Flynn Jones, Ty Blue, Deuce Martinez, Gunther Hessenheffer and Tinka Hessenheffer strut from various buildings located across the street. 

Luthor looks in dismay as his suit is being taken over and practically shut down by the superior minds of Levinson, Mears and Wells.  Luthor begins dancing to the music.  He screams and manages to temporarily take control of his suit, blasting Gunther and Tinka Hessenheffer.  Luthor then uses a sonic boom to kill Flynn Jones, Ty Blue and Deuce Martinez.  CeCe and Rocky spring toward Luthor and smile.

CeCe:  This fiery red-head is gonna take you down Luthor.

Rocky:  Down to the ground Lexy!!!

Although Luthor tries to blast the duo, he is unable to do so.  The Buffy trio is in complete control of the armor.  Luthor disintegrates himself.

Dj set it off!
Take it up a notch
All together now!
Shake it up!
Shake it up!

CeCe and Rocky walk toward Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.  The four are then joined by the eggheads.

 Fox Mulder:  Not pretty, but good work guys.  You remind me of the Lone Gunmen.

Dana Scully: Only smarter.

Forest. . .

Once again, the adage of size matters carries weight in the battle held in the Forest Region of the Playoff Planet.  Barry Allen races across the wooded land, focusing on Mansquito.  The Flash manages to kill Mansquito, but fails to notice Ewok Child 9 and unfortunately trips over the Endor inhabitant, breaking its furry neck.  The Secret Circle coven holds the Flash in place with their witchcraft while Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale and Rosalie Hale leap upon Allen and tear him apart, bathing in his blood.  T-X comes to the scene and her mimetic polyalloy coating comes to life, skewering the hearts of both Cullens and Hales.   The T-3 terminator then battles its T-X counterpart.  The two battle to a standstill until the Blue Marvel comes to the scene and destroys the T-3 Terminator with his anti-matter manipulation powers.  Space Jockey flies to the scene and immediately is killed by Blue Marvel.

Plains. . .

Baby Nightcrawler bamfs next to Apocalypse and smacks the mutant in the face.  Apocalypse catches the small blue hero by the throat and breaks his neck in one small twist of his hand.  Meanwhile, Ronan the Accuser battles the Original Human Torch.  The two smash each other repeatedly, but the Kree is eventually too much for the hero.  The Original Human Torch’s flames are snuffed out and his life follows.  Reapers 1-6 join the Herculoids Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop and Gleep. Although, once again, the numbers are on the Commandos side, this time it is for naught as both Ronan and Apocalypse easily dispatch with the Reapers and Herculoids. 

Final Battle. . .

The Grandmaster, the Collector, The Gardener and the Possessor stand above their teammates, Apocalypse, Ronan the Accuser, The Blue Marvel, Paul Atreides, Sandworm 8, Spider-Gwen, Spider Girl, T-X, Mumm-Ra Attuma, Pirahna and Tiger Shark.

For the Commandos, Whizzy the Super Cat and Batzarro arrive to the scene, joined by the Question with Atrocitus’s red ring, Rhino, Vindicator, Jared Nomak with Despotellis’s yellow ring, Insecticons – Venom and Ransack, Dr. Alan Grant with green lantern ring, Dr. Elle Satler with blue lantern ring, Professor Henry Jones, Sr. with white lantern ring, Secret Circle: Cassie Blake, Jake Armstrong, Faye Chamberlain, Diana Meade, Adam Conant, Melissa Glaser, Jonathan Levinson, Warren Mears, Andrew Wells, Cecelia “CeCe” Jones and Raquel  “Rocky” Oprah Blue, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, Danger Mouse with red lantern ring, Ernest Penfold with red lantern ring, Jax with yellow lantern ring, Jen Linley with star sapphire ring and green lightsaber and Joan Jett with indigo lantern ring.

Whizzy the Supercat and Batzarro spring upon both Pirahna and Tiger Shark.  Although the Deep 6 members manage to fight against the two, they are eventually killed due to the sheer power of the Commando duo.  Attuma comes to the aid of his now dead brethren and destroys Batzarro, slicing the twisted doppleganger with his heat axe. The Secret Circle faces Mumm-Ra.  The coven’s combined powers are immense, but still not enough to defeat the undead mystic.  The entire Secret Circle is ripped apart by the magical abilities of a superior foe.   Spider Gwen and Spider Girl finish off the Rhino for good during this encounter, but are ripped apart by the Insecticons, Joan Jett and Vindicator. 

The Elders of the Universe, with the other powerhouses are bombarded by the combined ring abilities of the Commandos.  Miraculously, the Royal Highness team is losing the ultimate campaign due to an onslaught of ring weaponry. The Grandmaster, the Collector, the Gardener, the Possessor, Apocalypse, Ronan the Accuser and the Blue Marvel, all unfathomable power houses, are actually losing the battle to the remaining Commandos.

The Death Star floats into view above the Playoff Planet. Q2 surveys the final battle situation and calculates the ultimate outcome.  There is no other option.  Q2 commences the firing of the battle station’s weapon. 

All inhabitants fighting on the Playoff Planet look to the sky. 

Rocky holds CeCe and the two embrace.  They kiss, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths.

The Royal Highness Locker Room. . .

Marines 88-90, Futars 1-2, 7-10, Balrog 5, Skeletor’s Crack Troops 2-5, 14-15 and Stormtroopers 84-87 sit on their bench, waiting for the signal to join their ranks.

Marine 88: What is that sound?

Stormtrooper 86:  I’ve heard that sound before when I was on the Death Star!!!

The locker room realizes what is happening.

Stormtrooper 87 turns to Stormtrooper 84:  Good to sit alongside you, even though we never made it into battle. . .

An explosion rips across the entire Playoff Planet, destroying the Locker Room and all inhabitants battling upon same.

Death Star. . .

Q2:  The only outcome. . .

Q2 lowers its head and walks to the sanctum sanctorum of the station.