S8W5: Barkleys Vs. Horsemen

Charles Barkey's Turrible Decisions are: Captain Universe, Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Matt Parkman, Claire Bennett w/Asohka Tano's green lightsaber, Hiro w/blue lightsaber, The Haitian, Blue Dragon #7-12, Red Dragon #19-22, Sandworms of Saturn #2 and #5, Ajax, Barbarossa, Golen Army #31-33, Golden Army #34 (Inge-bot), Golden Army #35 and 36, Super Cyborg Charles Barkley, Super Cyborg Michael Jordan, Balrog #1, Manhunters #4-6, Stargirl, S.T.R.I.P.E., Squeeze Play, Lokas, Nexu #2, Marine #70-78, Skeleton #1-6, and Ewok Child #2-5.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Eternity, Hargen the Measurer, Tefral the Surveyor, Nezzar the Calculator, Gammenon the Gatherer, Arishem the Judge, Jemiah the Analyzer, Eson the Searcher, Oneg the Prober, Ziran the Tester, Colossus (Juggernaut), Daken, Dark Archangel, War, Famine, Pestilence, Death, Ozymandius (Clan Akkaba), Yellow Lantern Freddy Kreuger, Dalton, Wade Garrett, Private James F. Ryan, Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki, and Arachnid #21-40.

In week 5, The Horsemen of Apokolips unleashed a firestorm of cosmic power on the FFL, and even they were unaware of the potentially disasterous consequences that would follow. In space, The Celestials silently compiled data to determine the fate of the Playoff Planet below. One by one, the "thumbs down" was given, and there came a day when Eternity itself decided to cut the cancer known as the Playoff Planet out of the universe.

Could Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions save the beloved Playoff Planet, or have The Horsemen's own turrible decision doomed it? Will future playoff matches be held in a local bingo hall from now on? Find out after this "not as good as it could be" fight sequence!!!

Most of The Barkleys are stationed in the desert section of the planet, as there is little point in them occupying another section. Here, they are at their strongest, and they await The Horsemen's charge. Normally, The Horsemen engage the enemy on their own terms, but this is an exception. Their scout Private James F. Ryan has been captured, and they intend to save him. (Sounds like an awesome movie, someone should make that).

With little tact and zero subterfuge, The Horsemen run headlong into battle using their superior numbers to their advantage. The army of Starship Trooper Arachnids lead the charge, with Juggernaut-Colossus, Daken, War, Famine, Pestilence, Death, Ozymandius, Dalton, and Wade Garrett trailing slightly behind them. Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki and Dark Archangel stay where they are to survey their team's progress from a distance.

Green Lantern Ryan is lounging on a green light construct of a lawn chair, and is fanned by beings of light energy (Yes, of course they are shaped as hot chicks.) Dark Archangel, however, seems less than enthused about the course of action.

"Is this wise? There was reletively little discussion or forethought into our strategy" observes Dark Archangel.

GL Ryan laughs. "Duh, of course this is wise. We have an army of Arachnids between us and the enemy, and if they somehow get through them, we have some serious asskickers backing them up. And, if by some miracle they actually make it close to us, we got something for them" states GL Ryan as his ring sparks with emerald energy.

"We do not need to stay behind like cowards! We should be leading our team to victory!" suggests an increasingly annoyed Dark Archangel.

"Ha! Good one! This match is 5 deaths a piece, and I'm in no mood to head to the Graveyard just yet. Plus, honestly, you're the man Warren! One of my favorites, but unfortunately, we never get a chance to hang out. So... how are the kids?" asks GL Ryan.

Dark Archangel grabs GL Ryan by the throat. "Warren is no longer my name. I am Apocalypse, and I tire of your foolishness. Only the fittest shall survive my wrath" vows Dark Archangel as he flies off to join the fight.

"Whatta d*ck" comments GL Ryan to himself as he dusts himself off. He remakes his relaxing constructs, and continues to watch the melee from a distance.

The Horsemen's Arachnids are the perfect storm troopers, and easily overwhelm The Barkley's first line of defense, Golden Army #31-36. This includes the always polarizing Golden Army soldier #34, Inge-bot. They have losses, but they are minimal as move on to attack Nexu #2, Marine #70-78, Skeleton #1-6, and Ewok Child #2-5.

Dalton and Wade Garrett are using their Roadhouse skills to kick Super Cyborg Charles Barkley and Super Cyborg Michael Jordan into scrap metal, although to be fair, Barkley and Jordan had bet on their opponents to win. War's ax, Daken's claws, and Jugger-lossus' power easily make short work of Stargirl, S.T.R.I.P.E., Squeeze Play, and Lokas. Barkley's Dune Titans Ajax and Barbarossa are gaining some momentum, and have crushed Ozymandius, Pestilence, Famine, and some Arachnids. An arriving Dark Archagel takes offense at the killing of his personal horsemen, and quickly smashes the Titans' brain containers with his metallic wings. The now lifeless husks are torn asunder by the ravenous Arachnids that still swarm the area. Only one Barkley is left standing after this skirmish: Balrog #1. The LoTR beast is not going down easily, and his flaming whip engulfs Dalton, Wade Garrett, Daken, and a few Arachnids in an inferno. Jugger-lossus marches through the fire, and laughs before his devastating punch relieves the Balrog of it's head. With the sector seemingly clear, The Horsemen survey the area, tryting to find their lost scout Private James Ryan. They find the last of Mrs. Ryan's boys not far from the battle, and his discovery leads to an uncharacteristic display of emotion and comraderie from the team.

GL Ryan looks through a pair of light constructed binoculars, and is disgusted by the scene. "Ugh, f*ckin pussies" he mutters to himself. "Whatever, a win is a win." he reasons as he continues to relax. Soon, his emerald energy chair begins to dematerialize.

"No man escapes The Manhunters" say Manhunter #4, #5, and #6 in unison. They drain the power from GL Ryan's power ring, and the rest of his creations dissipate. This includes the fanning women, which really has GL Ryan steamed.

"No! Not the babes! It took me all day to perfect that kind of hotness! Now I'm pissed." GL Ryan says. The Manhunters ignore him and continue to fly in for the kill.

"It would be a real shame if a certain Roster Wizard decided to add you guys to the death list for the week, wouldn't it?" threatens GL Ryan.

The Manhunters disappear into thin air as a fudged death list becomes reality. GL Ryan sees his team in the distance still celebrating the saving of Private Ryan, and decides to walk over and get their asses in gear. He doesn't take many steps before he feels a tremor beneath the sand. A puzzled GL Ryan takes out his phone to look over the Barkley's roster and see if there is anything he has missed. His eyes widen in disbelief as he realizes a fatal mistake. "IT'S A TRAP!!!" yells GL Ryan Ackbarishly, but he is still too far away for his teammates to hear him.

The Barkley's Sandworms of Saturn #2 and #5 erupt from beneath the sand and consume many stunned Horsemen easily. They corral the survivors of the attack in between them, and the 4 Red and 6 Blue Dragons of The Barkley's swoop in from high above to provide air support. Their breath weapons of fire and lightning are devastating to the concentrated Horsemen, and all are not long for this world. Luckily for The Horsemen, the disease inducing aura of Death gave the Sandworms and assorted Dragons GonoSyphaHerpeAIDS, so they eventually die a painful death. The desert action has ended, as no one remains on the battlefield, save GL Ryan Poteracki. He views the carnage, and regrets underrating The Barkley's strategy.

"This is all your fault!" screams GL Ryan at his still drained power ring.

We head back to space, where nothing has changed. Eternity and the gathered Celestials are still floating above the Playoff Planet, seemingly actionless. In reality, they are disassembling the planet molecule by molecule, which, naturally, is taking forever. They do this as to not disrupt the galaxy around them too suddenly, and frankly, when you're immortal, you have time to do things the right way. Unfortunately, it is as boring as it gets, so what say we head back to the surface of the planet, and check in on a ragtag group of Barkley's Heroes.

Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Hiro, Claire Bennett, Matt Parkman and The Haitian are gathered on a peaceful plain, while Captain Universe meditates to divine any kind of plan to stop the Celestials and Eternity. He uses the Enigma Force to synch with the will of the universe. And the Heroes continue to wait.

"I should take his power for myself. I will finish this alone!" boasts Sylar.

"No. He said he doesn't understand why, but this is a team effort. All of us are needed, including you. Now he just has to figure out how we pull this off" says the even tempered Peter Petrelli. The Haitian, Matt Parkman, Hiro, and Claire Bennett agree.

Captain Universe extends the power of the Enigma Force outward, sharing his unlimited power with the Heroes. They fly to the outreaches of space and confront The Celestials. The unpredictable energy is erasing The Celestials from existence one by one, until Eternity itself loses conciousness.

"That's quite the story. To bad you fell asleep while meditating. The planet's plains section can be quite tranquil this time of year" observes The Horsemen's Yellow Lantern Freddy Kreuger. In the land of dreams, even Captain Universe is just another victim to YL Freddy, and his hand blades prove it by eviserating the Captain.

"Thank you" coughs a downed Captain Universe. "I knew I was not to be the champion this day, but you have insured that the real Captain would be chosen to right the universe. You may have mastery of the dreamscape, but the Enigma Force can at least keep you here with me until the end. You must know what happens to you when you die in a dream, don't you?" explains Captain Universe with a bloody smile.

YL Freddy desperately attempts to find any way out of his predictament, but soon the lights go out for both combatants.

The Enigma Force quickly scans the remaining Barkleys to select it's new bearer. Peter Petrelli is deemed worthy, and feels his cosmic senses expanding. He hears the universe itself whisper the divine plan to him, and he follows his new insticts. The lifeforces and the subsequent powers of his Heroes comrads are added to him by the Enigma Force, and he flies through the atmospere and into space to confront Eternity itself.

Peter speaks to Eternity in a language reserved for only the highest of cosmic beings.

"Listen carefully to my words, Eternity. I have the universe itself on my side, and it is telling me that The Celestials decision on The Playoff Planet is wrong. It may seem wise and prudent to destroy the planet. We are all aware of the destruction that occurs here, and it is very much a tumor on the wellbeing of our reality. But the tumor is benign. All of the nonsense and insanity is confined to one place for now, and if it is destroyed, who knows what havoc The FFL could unleash on the cosmos? What part of the universe will be tainted and contaminated next? Anywhere will be free game to them, and that will be far more dangerous to the universal balance, and also yourself. The Celestials knew this, and their actions would have eventually destroyed you, allowing them to become the new Eternity. Listen to the cosmic wind, and know I speak the truth" explains Peter Petrelli.

Eternity considers the facts and agrees with the bearer of the Enigma Force. He is displeased with the self serving judgement of The Celestials, and determines that they are the true danger to universal balance. They are destroyed with a thought, and Eternity leaves the Playoff Planet in peace.

Peter Petrelli and the combined might of the other Heroes has righted a cosmic mistake, and all is balanced again. There is no longer a need for The Enigma Force to occupy his body, so it leaves him, and will find it's next champion when the universe is again desperate for a savior. As Peter returns to normal, the vacuum of space quickly kills him. No one ever said being a Hero, even one on a scale like this, was rewarding.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions have saved the Playoff Planet!!!