Real Man's Rabble Rousers Vs. TEAM

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers are (book) Arachnid #1-10, Ewok #75, Yuzzem #15, Sand Trooper #10, Treasure Troll #26, Sardakaur Terror Troop #11-12, Gears, Topspin and Twintwist, Skids, Quick Switch, Blue Streak, Hardhead and Duros, Siren and Quig, Whirl, Nightbeat and Muzzle, Hubcap, Outback, (movie) Mirage, (movie) Showckwave, (movie) Driller, Domino, (movie) Sideways, Weasel, Max Mercury, Bishop, Stripe, Martin Blank, Van Helsing, K’ Kruhk, Dar’ Nala, Duncan Idaho Ghola #11, Death Bringer, Shiva, Michael “Tank” Ellis, Corporal Jen “Pilot” Chase, Oroko Nagi, Dark Side Acolyte #19, Fremen #58-63, and Jedi Guardian #5.

TEAM is Battletrap, Powerdasher Car, Drill, and Jet, Perceptor, Arcee, Luuke Skywalker, Zobie #1, Crutus Penari, Ewok #51, Trioculous, Separatist Commando #1-6, lady Votari, Sardakaur Terro Troop #25-28, Davtokk, Naboo Soldier #2-7, Melkor, Skeletor’s Personal Guards #1-2, Beorn, Gothmog, Glaurung, Gil-Galad, Varda, Aule, Lorien, Tulkas, Ghanima Atreides, Lady Jessica Atreides, Duncan Idaho Ghola #3, Duke Leto Atreides, Duke Paulus Atreides, Tomoe Gozen, Shimmell (w/ Halberd), Ethan Hunt, General Thade (w/ Dark Ring), Cypher, Sith Lord #6-7 (Darth Fuzzy and Darth Cocky), Cybertronian Guardian #6-7, Nightsister Sith Witch #19, and Cock Sneak Goomba #9.


TEAM…. , Or is it team? This tEaM that was once synonymous with greatness, once feared throughout the league, once the one true blood rival to The Horsemen of Apokolips, now no longer seems to hold such standing. As the winners of the first ever Universe Bowl, TEAM still has within its roster several people wearing Universe Bowl Rings. Some of those characters appear in this match today, cast aside as too nostalgic for most weekly squads, but not so important that they cannot be put out for this 5 death week. Fans of TEAM would have you believe that the TEAM has remained great. That they are simply biding their time and waiting for the perfect moment to make another epic play-off run. But team critics will speak of their momentous fall from grace. The Horsemen and TEAM; at one point were considered by all the two top tier franchises; but in recent years it would be hard to even make a career long comparison to George Washington’s Slaves or The Commandos who have both had far more success than team has of late. But as Duke Leto, his concubine Lady Jessica, his father Duke Paulus, his granddaughter Ghanima, as well as Ethan Hunt the TEAM trainer, and Gen. Thade among others proudly wear for display their Universe Bowl Championship Rings this squad seems as if they are about even odds with Real Man and his Rabble Rousers. An expansion team that was cast aside by its original owner, only to be shuffled off to the very troll that would mock the league that TEAM once dominated…..

Strategy be damned for this match, The Watcher in a most vindictive manner has scattered both squads throughout the map, in all corners of The Play-off Planet which has led to nothing more than breakouts of tiny skirmishes throughout the multi-faceted landscape.

You will be witnesses….

Jedi Guardian #5, almost silently makes his way through the heavily forested region, being well-aware of the TEAM History lesson listed above. As a character from The Season 1 draft that has been floating around the league for the last 8 years he knows that no team or TEAM should be taken lightly. As the Jedi hears rustling in the trees, he stands at the ready, the only sound being made by him being the quick ignition and low hum of his now ignited blue lightsaber. Battletrap leaps into action, with the opposite of silence surrounding him. Several trees fall to the ground like toothpicks as the Jedi Guardian leaps into action toward his attacker. The Jedi is quick, but Battletrap hits him with a punch in mid-air that sends him flying into a tree, not only breaking it in half; but doing the same to every bone in the Jedi’s humanoid frame.

The Fremen (#58-63) explore the landscape of this unfamiliar desert much like the Zensunni wanderers that were their ancestors. As they feel an uncomfortable rumble below them they stand prepared with their hands nearing the holsters bearing their crysknives and maula pistols. As the Powerdasher Drill comes crashing onto the scene from underneath them, they are shocked at how small the transformer looks in comparison to the massive worms that they are used to seeing. The Fremen leap into action against the giant robot and begin fiercely pounding on the Cybertronian with attacks that seem as though they could not possibly affect it. The hardened fists, fighting style, and attitudes of The Fremen manage to make their way through the hardened exterior of the robot and smash its spark into nothingness. Only Fremen #59 and #62 survive; but the Transformer is destroyed. The water of their former tribesman is a gift from their former friends, and a true blessing from Shai-Halud.

Dark Side Acolyte #19 slowly walks the salt water beach, pondering her future with the dark side, when the Powerdasher Car comes ripping through the wet sands. The Acolyte can barely ignite her lightsaber before the half robot form of the Powerdasher drives directly over her much smaller body.

Perceptor is working on several algorithms within his makeshift lab in the city in an attempt to locate some of his other TEAMmates and create an offensive plan, when he is stumbled upon by Oroko Nagi. What the Autobot has in brains lends very little to his fighting prowess, as he is unable to make contact with the much smaller ninja. Oroko Nagi takes a while to do so, but eventually chips away at the Cybertronian Metal exterior, until Perceptor’s energon level runs so low that he is unable to fight. Only the untouched Nagi walks away from the skirmish.

The Powerdasher Jet sits perched atop a nearby skyscraper, awaiting some sort of enemy activity, but does not even see Corporal Jen Chase sneaking inside the cockpit of the Autobot. After having disabled and reprogrammed dozens of similar robots with the power to easily crush her in her place. The one nicknamed Pilot easily uses her high-tech suit, tech, and know-how to wipe out the operating system connection to the Transformer’s spark and take over the controls of the Powerdasher Jet. Pilot then takes off with a new ship and one less enemy to worry about.

In the same city, but hundreds of feet below, Michael “Tank” Ellis another member of the Captain Power Team has teamed up with the mutant Shiva. Tank decides that he will stick close to this guy until they find some more Rabble Rousers to team with, when Arcee comes racing onto the scene in her Cybertronian Race Car Form. The Rabble Rousers open fire on Arcee, who swiftly transforms into her robot form and returns fire. Tank is hit in the crossfire; but his attacks lend enough time for Shiva to prove that his metal body is made of even sterner stuff than that of the best chick Autobot (which of course puts her somewhere near the bottom when ranked with all if them). Shiva stands triumphant and alone as the skirmish comes to a close.

Deep in the jungle, Jedi Master Crutus Penari and his trusty sidekick Ewok #51 sneak through the humid brush until they are confronted by Duncan Idaho and Death Bringer. Duncan Idaho and Penari break into an acrobatic exercise in the perfection of fighting prowess, while Death Bringer easily puts an ax through the face of the Endor native. Penari swings his lightsaber busting yellow blade toward the head of Idaho, but the Ginaz Swordmaster ducks out of the way and then delivers a blade directly into the midsection of Crutus. Less than a mile away in the same jungle, Luuke Skywalker and his undead paparazzi Zombie #1 easily dispatch K’ Kruhk and Dar’ Nala.

Back in the city, Trioculous leads a squad of six Separatist Commandos into a small office building where the hired assassin Martin Blank and the vampire slayer Van Helsing have taken up residence. Blank sets up a boobie trap that takes out three of the Commandos, while Van Helsing and Trioculous engage in a pitched battle (#Becks FO Life). Trioculous manages to deliver a lightsaber into the gut of Helsing; but in turn leaves himself open to a .40 caliber bullet to the brain. Unfortunately Blank is not able to finish the skirmish as the last remaining Separatist Commando (I believe in the whole league) puts a laser blast between his eyes, making him the sole survivor of this encounter (#2).

Lady Votari leads her group of Sardakaur Terror Troops into a forest enclave, where her force sensitivity and their fighting prowess allow them to easily defeat Bishop and Stripe (only Sardakaur #25 & 28 do not make it out).

Melkor has set up a throne room not quite fit for an evil Lord of his stature; but a throne room nonetheless, deep in the forested region. His two protectors being the former guards of Skeletor himself. They are stumbled upon by the powerful trio of Sideways, Max Mercury, and their buddy Weasel (okay, maybe a powerful duo). The Speedster and the Transformer manage to take out both of Skeletor’s guards but Melkor unleashes a fury of evil incarnate that not even a Cybertronian can withstand, nor any speed force user outrun.

Davtokk and his six Naboo soldiers have commandeered a vessel in an attempt to gain a water power advantage, but before they can even board the ship Shockwave and Driller, joined by the mutant Domino ambushed them. Davtokk and his followers once they were focused were actually able to extinguish the spark of Driller; but Shockwave and Domino easily finished off the rest of them.

Back in the forest, the unlikely duo of Beorn and Gothmog, have ripped apart Whirl, Nightbeat, and Muzzle. But Glaurung and Gil-Gilad had some horrible luck against Hubcap, Outback, and Mirage.

The select members of The Valor: Varda, Aule, Lorien, and Tulkas manage to dissipate the sparks of Hardhead, Duros, Siren, and Quig, but their mighty yet failing power was unable to complete the task without sacrificing the lifeforce of Tulkas.

Ghanima Atreides and her grandmother, the Lady Jessica positioned deep into the desert were able to take out Quick Switch with their weirding ways; but they were not quite quick or powerful enough to take out two Transformers at once, as his partner Blue Streak was able to finish off the two Atreides noblewomen soon after Quick Switch was killed.

Duncan Idaho has managed to protect his Duke (Leto) from the massive amounts of blaster fire being distributed by Gears, Topspin, Twintwist, and Skids by hiding behind a thick jungle tree; but he knows that he can’t hold out forever. Idaho calls for back-up to an old locker room ally of his and is then granted support from a mini-squad led by Nightsister Sith Witch #19, consisting of Cybertronian Guardian #6 & 7, & Cock Sneak Goomba #9. The C.S. Goomba sneaks its last cock after being stomped on Gears; but the rest of the backup mixed with Duncan and Leto take out the Autobot foursome.

Duke Paulus pulls his ceremonial broad sword from its sheath to do away with the double team of both Sardakaur #11 & 12, all while he is stomping on Treasure Troll #26.

Tomoe Gozen, the only true female samurai, wanders the desert alone, and makes short work of Sand Trooper #10, on her way to bravely battling and then running through Yuzzem #15, despite the furry alien’s quick and vicious attacks.

Shimmell (w/ her halberd) attacks. A stunning attack inflicts 36 points of damage on Ewok #75. Ewok #75 is defeated.

In a rundown part of the city, Arachnid #1-10 rush in to attack, but they are met by Ethan Hunt, Gen. Thade, Cypher, Darth Fuzzy, and Darth Cocky. The five skilled Season 1 veterans manage to evade the laser fire and melee attacks of the super-intelligent oversized bugs and to battle back with superior fighting technique. Only Cypher is killed once the last Arachnid ceases breathing.

The remaining Real Men gather in an abandoned building in the heart of the Play-off Planet’s city (aren’t they all abandoned though??). While Duke Leto formulates a counter-offensive from all angles. The limited communication provides no opportunity for a true plan; but it does bring their superior numbers together for one final push. The Cybertronian laser defensive strategies and technology of the makeshift fort, almost instantly takes out Zombie #1, the over-sized Cybertronian Guardians, Nightsister Sith Witch #19, Separatist Commando #2, Sardakaur #26 & 28, and Shimmell; and the protective curse set out by Death Bringer proves too much for Lady Votari, Varda, Aule, and Lorien, causing them to expire into the great void as well.

With the initial damage done, the remaining Real Men come rushing out of the fortified building and the final leg of the battle begins. Duncan Idaho and Duncan Idaho square off with each other in holtzman shield combat and join each other in death after using the exact same moves and training. Death Bringer then brings some deaths to the over-confident and peach-fuzzed Darth Cocky and Darth Fuzzy, while The Australian sounding Autobot Outback and the outback acting Beorn join each other in death (but not before Beorn takes out Hubcap too).

Corporal Jen “Pilot” Chase takes one for the team by crashing her ship which was once the Powerdasher Jet into Gothmog in true kamikaze fashion to take out the balrog.

General Thade takes on both of the remaining Fremen at once and leaves no person remaining in the sietch with whom to share their water; and then uses his Dark Ring to cast a stunning attack of Blaze 3 to finish off Mirage. Luuke uses his superior lightsaber techniques to attack and destroy the spark of Blue Streak with pinpoint accuracy, while Ethan Hunt brings a streak of bad luck to Domino under the guise of repeated G-34 fire riddling her body after she took out the sword-wielding duo Paulus Atreides and Tomoe Gozen.

Shiva and Shockwave make a final run and combine fire to rip apart Battletrap and the Powerdasher Car; and then use the wreckage to crush the not-so-nice clone of Luke Skywalker, who was too busy evading the magical attacks of Death Bringer to notice the flying debris.

Duke Leto then orders his trio of Season 1 draft picks to form up and make their last defensive stand. Ethan Hunt: The TEAM Trainer, General Thade: The TEAM Tactician, and the Noble Born Leto Atreides stand prepared in defensive position as Death Bringer, Shiva, Shockwave, and Oroko Nagi make their final push; but before this sloped melee skirmish can come to fruition, Melkor slams his iron clad foot to the ground and channels a force of evil that is so powerful that it once controlled even the likes of Sauron the Deceiver. Hunt, Thade, and Leto all shield their eyes as the remaining Real Men melt into the nothingness that is true malice…..