Horsemen of Apokolips star Hal Jordan arrested

Hildy Johnson ⎪ The Fantasy Press – 5:22pm

Los Angeles (FP) Horsemen of Apokolips star and known rabble rouser Hal Jordan was arrested Friday on a sexual harassment and assault charge after police said he got into a fight with a group of men and yelled sexual advances at them.

Jordan was standing outside of an Adult Film Theatre at about 1:30 a.m., where he was enjoying a quick break after the devastating loss to the Murderflies. Nearby, a group of about four theatre performers in fake robotic regal were allegedly accosted by the “Horsemen” member. Hal, according to police approached the young men and began screaming what sounded like “Suck my black c@#% you Skinjobs” repeatedly at the four young men.

It was not clear what Jordan meant, but he got into a tussle with the theatre troupe, and a 27-year-old man sustained scratches to his elbows and inner-thigh, according to police.

Both Jordan and the group went inside a near-by motel, and at some point, police were called, and Jordan was arrested, police said. He was arrested on a charge of aggravated sexual harassment and assault. Jordan was first taken to a hospital because he was believed to be intoxicated, police said. He was at a police precinct and may be facing arraignment later.

“Horsemen” president and general manager Ryan Poteracki had no comment. The team said in a statement that it was aware of the incident. Because of a provision in his labor contract, the team said any allegation involving alcohol/drugs/spice is referred to their employee assistance program that has been under the control of Bill the Butcher since year two.

''The GM don’t have any-ting to say about this but I know the truth. Hally hates them robots somethin’ fierce. They must have f#$%ed with him and everybody knows not to f$%@ with Mr. Jordan. Oh Sonny, anybody with a brain in their skull knows not to be messing with that man.''  Mr. Butcher said in a quick statement to the Fantasy Press.

It was not clear whether Jordan would play in the week 7 match-up against Logical Genocide at this time. The Horsemen were in space this week, where Jordan impressively killed BL General Grievous and sent Bubbles to the graveyard. Unfortunately for the “Horsemen” though, Jordan also killed teammate The One Above All as an act that could only be described as a “dick measuring contest” with the Eternal. Jordan is having another outstanding year this year but with this most recent loss, not only does it bring him to 9 deaths but also with it, the worst start in the history of the “Horsemen” with a record of 3-3.

Jordan has played for the “Horsemen” since year three, finally coming into his own last season. No word on what the repercussions of his actions will be from a league standpoint, but one thing’s for sure, Hal Jordan will never go quietly into the night.

Week Six- Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies vs The Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Brock Samson's Fighting Muderflies are:

(BL) Guy Gardner
Powerpuff Girl: Bubbles (9 deaths)
Andre the Giant     in an imperial Shuttle
Black Lantern General Grievous
Robonic Moe, Robonic Larry and Robonic Curly
Mars Attacks! Martians  #1-10
Black Panther w/ John Stewart's Green Lantern Ring
Batgirl w/ Green Lantern Ring
Howard the Duck w/ Green Lantern Ring
Booster Gold
Teddy Roosevelt w/ Green Lantern Ring
Ernie Harwell w/ Blue Lantern Ring
Fluke Starbuster in an A-Wing

The Horsemen of the Apocalypse are:

Eternity
The One Above All (Celestial)
Aron, the Rogue Watcher
Scar (Evil Green Lantern Guardian)
Firestorm - Jason Rusch
Phoenix - Jean Grey
Annhilius
Stitch in a Jedi V-Wing w/R2 Unit #11
Dai Atlas
White Lantern Sinestro
Black Lantern Mike Sroka
Red Lantern Jeff Houslander
Brother Hymn
Ce Ce Denowi w/Indigo Lantern Ring
Hal Jordan - Parallax - Ophidian w/2 Green Lantern Rings, Sinestro's Yellow Lantern Ring, a Red Lantern Ring & a Star Sapphire Ring.

While flying in the deep reaches of space. Members of the Murderflies talk about their current situation.

"Aaak! Aaak aaak akk! Aaak!" screams Martian #9

"Aaak. Aaak aaak aak. Aaak aak." Martian #4 chimes in

"Aaak." Martian #1 somberly states.

Aron, the Rogue Watcher smiles as he watches that entire exchange take place. For it is plain to see from their conversation, things are not going well for the Murderflies.Ce Ce Denowi took out five of the Murderflies' Martians before she was felled by BL Grievous. Fluke Starbuster's death was no fluke as he was out gunned by Stitch in his V-Wing. Aron then smiles as he locates Andre the Giant's craft and decides to teleport him into Eternity, figuring a battle between to ridiculously giant beings is something he'd like to see.

What Aron didn't count on, is Andre being a master of giant anatomy. Andre pulls up the navigation on the imperial shuttle and discovers he's right near the central system that composes Eternity's heart.  Andre goes to fire, but the missles are deflected. Eternity just changes the gravity around the stars and causes the light based missle to go off target. In order to  penetrate the gravitational well, he's gonna need more mass. Then it hits him. Andre realizes that he can kill Eternity, but will end up dying in the process. For Andre, it is not an option. He kicks things to light speed and before Eternity can react, the shuttle pierces Eternity's heart system killing both of the giant combatants, and Annhilius who snuck onto Andre's shuttle and hoped to take the giant by surprise.

"F***K!" screams Aron. What seemed to be an obvious squash match didn't turn out the way he'd planned. He sees Howard the Duck fly by and decides to go duck hunting. He's about to make Howard pay for his own underestimation and for being the subject of such a terrible movie, when he hears something.

"Hey, knucklehead. How'sa bout you watch this!" Aron turns and sees Robonic Stooge Moe, who fires his pointer and middle fingers in a V right at Aron's eyes.

It is the last thing that the Rogue Watcher will see this match, as he is now dead.

"Thanks for the assist pal!" exclaims a relieved Howard

"Soitenly! Us terrible movie subjects gotta stick together! Nyuck nyuck!" says Curly

"Alright, numbskulls. Comeon. These Horsemen ain't gonna take this lying down. Say, where's Larry?" asks Moe

suddenly Larry's head floats by.

"Ooooo. A wise guy! RrrArf! Arf! Arf!" snorts an enraged Curly, as Larry's killer Dia Atlas makes himself known to the group of misfits.

"Hey, fella, Pick two" says Moe as he loads up his hand to blast the transformer.

"Fine. One. Two!" replies the supreme commander of the Autobot forces who pulls on the Stooges like he was Raylan Givens-quickly finishing off the Stooges, leaving the green ringed Howard the duck on his own.

Howard thinks quickly and wills up an emerald can opener. This was probably the most offensive thing you could ever use in conjuntion with a Transformer, so Atlas shoots off Howard's hand, grabs the cripples duck, and  begins mashing him in his fist the way you'd smash an ant.

"Now." says a voice, and a giant black garbage truck appears.

"What the?" questions Dai Atlas when a giant green hand pushes him into the truck and smashes him.

"Good work, guys" says Booster Gold. "I knew that can opener thing would ruffles some feathers"

As Batgirl silently shakes her head at the terrible pun, and Black Lantern Guy Gardner goes to retort. All three are instantly vaporized.

"Idiots" sneers Hal Jordan "This is taking too long. Enough fooling around. Let's finish this"

"Patience, Jordan" replies Sinestro "They'll all fall soon enough. Let the others earn their pay this match. We just need to wait, and let victory come to us."

Jordan reluctantly agrees to wait with Sinestro, while the other Horsemen "earn their pay" but only after he single handedly destroys black lantern General Grievous. The Murderflies have gotten a few breaks, destroying black lantern Mike Sroka and  Brother Hymn, but not without a price. After Black Panther assisted in destroying the black lantern, he died at the hands of red lantern Jeff Houslander who made a tasteless joke about "black on black crime".

Jeff turns to look for another victim, and finds them in our Martian friends from earlier.  He instantly kills Martian #4, and wounds #1. #9 fires at Jeff and hits him. In the arm. This act further enrages the elder Houslander, which causes his power levels to rise. Still not used to controlling a power ring, Jeff immediately vomits the burning red plasma of anger and finishes off the two martians. Jeff stops to catch his breath, when a giant green baseball bat knocks his head off.

"And it's a beautiful day for an asskicking" says legendary voice of the Detroit Tigers Ernie Harwell "With my blue ring, and the green energy of will power provided by the 26th President of the United States, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse are finding themselves in the cen-"

Ernie can't finish his exposition, because renegade Guardian Scar has killed him.

"Courtesy is as much a mark of a gentleman as courage" says Teddy who fires upon Scar with his ring.

"Fool" she hisses. "You can't use the ring to slay a Guardian! You know NOTHING of our laws!"

"All I know, is you talk to much you rapscallion" Teddy calmly replies "Now, how about you come over here and I'll give you what for. Powers or no powers I'm a trust buster, and your hording of galactic power is just the sort of thing I will niot stand for."

Enraged by Teddy's dismissal of her, Scar charges as Teddy puts up his dukes. While their battles begins, elsewhere Teddy's teammate Bubbles is in the fight of her life. Knowing this to be her last match, Bubbles is fighting her heart out. With help from the last two martians, Bubbles was able to kill Jean Grey since the dominant psychic feed back of martians is nothing more that having an extremely loud bike horn beeped right in your ears. This gave Bubbles enough of a distraction to fly through Jean's midsection and cleave her in half before she could use her Phoenix powers.  Bubbles turned her attention to Firestorm just as he finishes off the last of the martians.

"Oh! Come on! A girl!" whines Jason "How am I"


ZzzzzrrraCCCkkkkk!! Bubbles fries him with her heat vision.

"Impressive. Most impressive" booms the voice of Hal Jordan "But now it's time to end this" he readies himself to slay the Powerpuff Girl

"Wait." says Bubbles "Can I have one last request?"

"Don't do it Jordan, kill her" urges Sinestro

"What can it hurt? She's just a little girl" smirks Jordan. "What do you need sweetie?"

"Can I be killed by the most powerful member of the Horsemen, so it looks good on my tombstone?" she whimpers

"You're about to be"  Hal says

"No. Not you, The One Above All."

"What? He's not more powerful than me! Do you see all these rings? Plus I have two entities. I'm more powerful" Hal curtly responds.

"Yeah, but he's an Eternal" responds Bubbles "You couldn't kill an Eternal. I want an Eternal to have the glory of killing me."

"Don't listen Jordan!" screams Sinestro "Kill her. Now!"

"Yeah, Jordan. Kill me, since you couldn't kill an Eternal" goads Bubbles.

"F**L YOU YOU LITTLE B***H!!!" scream Hal "THAT F*****T ETERNAL WON'T GET MY GLORY!!!!!!"  and Hal rockets off after The One Above All.

"You think you're so clever" starts Sinestro "Well I'm not so easily duped" and Sinestro levels his white ring at Bubbles, readies to fire, and...

nothing happens.

"You can't use the white light to kill a little girl, smart guy." smirks Bubbles as she cracks her knuckles. She then flies up and snaps the defenseless Sinestro's neck. However, this was not the best time to drop her innocent act, as just as she kills Sinestro Hal returns with the corpse of the One Above All.

"You. You tricked me?" Hal seethes. His red ring begins to glow.

Bubbles knows her time is coming to an end, so she decides to go down like a true hero. By talking trash

"Yeah. It's not like it was hard. But you got me. I'm just glad I'm being killed by Parallax Hal Jordan and not Ophidi-whatever Hal Jordan. That'd just be stupid"

"Shut up!" screams Hal, his red ring beginning to glow

"I mean, come on. Why did YOU have to get to entities? Are the rest of your teammates so sucktacular that they couldn't use the boost of the entity of greed? Or are you just too afraid to share the emotional powers?"

"You....you don't know anything." begins Hal his Parallax form beginning to wither, but the orange power of greed begins to grow brighter. "I'm Hal Jordan. The greatest green lantern ever!!"

"But you're not even a green lantern on your own team. You owner only has eyes for Sinestro!" Bubbles screams "Who did he pay Ethan Van Scriver to do a commiss.."

"F**K YOU!!!!! DDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  screams Hal Jordan as he unleashes every bit of energy he has in him to silence the insolent Murderfly.

"I'm Hal Jordan. I'm the best, I get the glory. Me. Me. Me." screams Hal as he surveys the carnage around him. "I did this. I unleashed all the destruction. I w-"

BLAM! Hal's head explodes in a burst of green light.

"Bully for you" whispers a bruised, battered and bloody Teddy Roosevelt. His knuckles bloody raw after beating Scar to death with his hands. Teddy surveys the scene and shakes his head in disgust.

"Bully for you."

EXCLUSIVE EDITION OF 'WATCHED': An interview with President Barack Obama

This is Cotton McKnight here, welcoming everyone to this exclusive edition of ‘Watched’, where tonight I had the pleasure of talking with President Barack Obama, the head coach of ‘Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both World’s” Touring Battalion of Commandos. By now the news has broken about the trade that the “Commandos” made with the “Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers” but at the time of this interview, it had not been released. ESPN 8 – The Ocho has insiders all over the league and the news of this was very carefully guarded. Though not exactly pleased with the information leak, the Commandos head coach was very gracious to talk with me over the phone from their team headquarters.

Cotton McKnight: I suppose a congratulations is in order Mr. President.

President Barack Obama: Thanks Cotton, we here at the Commandos are overly joyed by this edition and even I am still a little shocked by the events of the last 48 hours.

CMK: Surprised in what way?

PBO: We were well aware of the problems that Clark had been having with his former team but it never really occurred to me that we would be in the running to acquire someone of his ability.

CMK: Are you telling me that you never even discussed going for KC Superman? Because as far as I’m concerned this is on par with TEAM trading for Thor back in ’09.

PBO: It was naturally discussed between myself and Mr. Houslander but more in a concerned manner in regards to the imminent departure of Optimus Prime. I told him that if we were to lose Optimus, it was really going to put a lot of stress on Clark [Earth 2 Superman] to have to take the brunt of the heavies in every match. I told him, ‘Somebody will do a solid job for us, but there’s only one player out there who you would consider a ‘premium-type’ player, and that’s Kingdom Come Superman. I did not say that with the idea we’d be going after KCS, because, from a trading perspective, I knew it would be very difficult to do.

CMK: But here you are now, sitting pretty with easily the biggest deal your team has ever made.

PBO: Well yes, without a doubt. Back in 2008 we made a deal with the Kennelz to secure the rights to Dr. Doom, which for me at the time was a huge undertaking. After that it never occurred to me that I would ever again be involved in a deal as high profile as that. So to be back once again in this situation, especially in the middle of a season is quite exciting indeed.

CMK: When was the decision ultimately made for you to go for KCS?

PBO: Saturday night I received a call from the GM [Nick Houslander] telling me he had thought about our discussion and wanted me to not only throw our hat in the ring but outright try to acquire the rights to Superman. It took me by surprise but after a couple of days of negotiations with Griffin, we were able to make the deal happen.

CMK: Do you worry about the possible backlash that could be attached to a deal of this magnitude?

PBO: Sure it is possible that this could ruffle a few feathers within the league but honestly, after being a head coach for almost five seasons now, I’ve gotten pretty good at not paying any attention to that.

CMK: Is there a bitter sweet feel about trading such long time Commandos as HAL 9000 and Sidney Poitier?

PBO: Of course, we have always been a very tight knit team and anytime we lose somebody it is difficult. Erasmus and HAL have been friends for a long time so he will be truly missed. It’s funny because Miley and I were discussing this last night and she told me the only person she would be unwilling to part with was Claire [Danes], so when Griffin’s counter-offer came back and Claire was included on it, she was pretty upset. But after a talk with both Miley and Claire last night, they both realized it was in the best interest of the “Commandos” to make the deal. So yeah, it will be tough to lose everybody, except for maybe Laufey.

CMK: HUH?

PBO: Sorry I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s no secret that Heimdall and him did not get along. It was the biggest mistake I made in this years draft, a mistake I was luckily able to fix.

CMK: Well okay then. Anyways, with this addition, what do you think “The Commandos” chances are of winning the Universe Bowl this season?

PBO: Look, this league is much more difficult this year then in previous years. Every team has improved and though Clark [Kingdom Come Superman] gives us the strength we were looking for, it by no means guarantees us anything in the way of victories. We are only half way through this season and though we have had a great start to the year, there is still a long way to go. We are being realistic, albeit hopeful about our chances.

CMK: Thank you for your time and good luck to “The Commandos” for the remainder of the season.

PBO: Thanks Cotton.

So there you have it people, an exclusive with the man himself, President Barack Obama. I personally feel ‘The Commandos' have a much more promising season ahead of them then Mr. Obama talked about but I do understand his trepidation in regards to this season. I thank you for joining me on this exclusive edition of “Watched”, this has been Cotton McKnight and from everyone here at the Ocho, we wish you a good night.

Spoiler Sport- FFL Week Five Wrap Up

And then there was one.

Greetings everyone, Cotton McKnight here with your weekly FFL wrap up "Spoiler Sport", right here! On ESPN 8-The Ocho. Let's get right to the wrap up. That's right folks. The field of the unbeaten has been culled down to one remaining team. Our top story. In what has to be considered a stunning upset, "Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies" finally tasted the bitter fruit of defeat at the hands of "Logical Genocide". Team owner Goof Juice took the loss in strike saying "It's an honor to lose to Fozzie Bear"

Things don't look to be getting easier for the Murderflies, as next week they'll be meeting another member of the Stephen Spielberg division, the always feared "Horsemen of Apokolips" The Horsemen utterly and completely decimated "Xavier's Annihilation Squad", in a near perfect match for the Horsemen. We at the Ocho wish a speedy recovery to Squad owner NFG Mike, who ended up contracting every STD known to man as a side affect to this contest.

One team that's not suffering from any ailment is " 'Pop Superstar' Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos" who retained their golden touch handing TEAM yet another loss this season. The winning streak isn't the only big story with the Commandos at the center, as right before we went on the air, a huge trade went through which saw the black sheep of "Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers" Kingdome Come Superman sent to the Commandos for a variety of players including King Laufey, E.T., and a green lantern ring. This trade is sure to be a game changer, but the fallout won't really be seen until week seven as the deal was pushed through just under the roster deadline for week six. Speaking of week six, we'll bring all the deep space carnage later on in the week. But that'll do it for now. This has been "Spoiler Sport". I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you, and good night.

BREAKING NEWS: Kingdom Come Superman... TRADED!!

Thank you all for joining me here today. As you know, I am Ryan Poteracki. I am the Commissioner of the Fantasy Fantasy League and Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. As you may have heard, there has been a situation that has come up between a Team Owner and Combatant on said team. Well I am here to clear up any confusion and lay all rumors to rest.

Unhappy with his currently situation and the tumultuous relationship he has had with Team Owner Griffin Poteracki, Kingdom Come Superman had no other option but to reach out to the charity organization, Heroes without Homes, to aid him in securing a trade from Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers. Team Owner of the “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos, Nick Houslander, worked tirelessly to acquire the contract for Kingdom Come Superman. And after stiff negotiations, they were finally able to reach an agreement and Kingdom Come Superman will be joining the ranks of the Commandos.

The Dope Fiends, as you all know, have been in the spotlight since prior to this season’s Draft, when they made a major trade with Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve over the rights to the Number One Draft Pick for this year’s Draft. The Commandos, however, were fairly low key in this year’s Draft; with the exception of snagging the final available White Lantern, against what many said was an unintelligent move, only for those individuals to retract their statements rather quickly. Since then, they have been off to a remarkable undefeated season thus far. They face their stiffest challenge this week in Space when they take on defending Champions, the Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. Undoubtedly, Team Owner Nick was hoping to finalize this deal prior to this week’s roster deadline. However, that was not meant to be. None the less, with the addition of Kingdom Come Superman, the Commandos are poised to continue their domination in the upcoming weeks. Only time will tell if they can keep this pace up through to the Playoffs and possibly the Universe Bowl.

The Dope Fiends did receive a much needed Green Lantern ring as well as the leader to their Frost Giants, King Laufey. Their locker room also gained a little bit of breathing room, as the tense relationship between owner and star was reaching a boiling point. Though his actions are sometimes questionable by a few and his emotions have a tendency to get the best of him, Team Owner Griffin, is always highly involved in the Dope Fiends day to day activities and is never afraid to make a change if he feels it’s right for the future of his organization. I for one commend him for this and feel that he is a shining example, one that several Team Owners could learn from.

Thank you for your time. Good luck to all in the second half of this already exciting season.

Details of Trade
Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers receive:
King Laufey
E.T.
Hal 9000
Claire Danes
David Hasselhoff
Shortround
Martin Riggs w/M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher
Roger Murtaugh
Sidney Poitier
1 Green Lantern Ring

Miley and Barrack's Commandos will receive:
Kingdom Come Superman

Week Six Schedule

WEEK 6: Space (Interleague Play)

700 Points
Prize: Ferengi Energy Whip

Horsemen of Apokolips vs Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies (Seeney)
Better Than All of You vs Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family (Goof)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers (Becks)
Logical Genocide vs Xavier’s Annihilation Squad (Josh)
George Washington’s Slaves vs TEAM (Josh)
Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos vs Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Becks)
The Transfoamers vs Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches (Nick)
Tijuana Taco Benders vs Team Sleeping Pussy (Ryan)

Week Five Standings

B3 Press Conference: The Murder of Pablo

It has been almost three weeks since I, Darth Vader, last addressed both the members of this league and the media regarding the death of our beloved, Pablo.  It is my intention to advise you of the most recent and relevant events which have transpired during this time period.  First and foremost, I would like to thank the current FFL Commissioner for the forensic team he provided to B3 to investigate this matter. With that said. . .   

 Be advised that the initial evidence has indicated that the death of Pablo was not an accident, as first thought.  Additionally, the incident was not self inflicted as has been rumored throughout the league.  Science has affirmed that this incident was one of. . . murder- murder most foul.  What is extremely alarming is the fact that the evidence appears to indicate that a particular family was involved with the death of our fair penguin.   The family. . . is the Poteracki family.  Please.  PLEASE.  PLEASE!  Let me finish.  Let me finish.

Although the Poteracki family has been implicated in this matter, an additional allele analysis must be conducted to uncover the true culprit behind this devastating event.  Once we have our results, we will contact the Commissioner, as a courtesy, before requesting action upon same and addressing you, once again. 

 Pablo. . . you will be avenged.  No questions at this time.

Logical Genocide Vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies: Moon Knight, Mr. Immortal, Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha, Flatman, Quick Draw McGraw, Blair Witch, Dynomutt: Dog Wonder, Ernie Harwell w/Blue Lantern Ring, Denver:, The Last Dinosaur, (BL) Guy Gardner, Quint, Sarah Palin w/Sith Lavarouk (9 deaths), Graboid #1, Sandworm #1, Sandworm #2, Sandworm #3, Sandworm #4, Sandworm #5, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Jedi Master #20, Ginaz Swordmaster #10, Greedo, Jedi Knight #39B, Jedi Knight #40B, Batgirl (Barbara Gordon) w/Green Lantern Ring, Burt Gummer, Heather Gummer, Black Lantern Qui Gon Jinn, Zombie Arwen, Aaron Eggemeyer, Red Power Ranger: Jason, Black Power Ranger: Zack, Yellow Power Ranger: Trini, Pink Power Ranger: Kimberly, Velma (9 deaths), Lorne Michaels w/Laser gun, Jareth, the Goblin King, Dobby, Forge, Scattershot (9 deaths), Strafe (9 deaths), Afterburner (9 deaths), Marine #58, Marine #59, Marine #60, Marine #61, Marine #62.

Logical Genocide: Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Red Lantern and Star Sapphire Guy Gardner, Indigo Lantern John Stewart, Blue Lantern Kyle Rayner, Ion (Kyle Rayner), Nekron, Black Lantern Brainiac (9 deaths), zombie General Zod (only has 1 arm), Bucky O'Hare w/ green lightsaber, DeadEye Duck w/ red lightsaber, Bruiser w/ red lightsaber, Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny in a Z-95 Headhunter, AFC Blinkie, Logical Genocide Gen eral Manager: The Champion of the Universe, Logical Genocide Offensive Coordinator: The Winter Soldier, Mera w/ red ring, Siren (DC comics), Xebel Soldiers #1-4. Sandworm #11, Goro w/ yellow lantern ring, Predator #48 w/flesh rotting disease gun, Terminator #40 (Clanks), Az-Rel, Nadira, Widget the World Watcher, Cosmic Spider-Man, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Fozzy Bear

The Mood in logical Genocide’s Transport ship is grim. Hal Jordan stands up, clears his throat , and address’s the team. Hal Jordan: I am sure your all pretty SCARED! But don’t be the worst that could happen is maybe your eyes get sucked out by the vacuum of space, or you get you brain ripped out you’re a**. Maybe someone sets you on fire. I once saw a man eaten by a shark! Another man had his face ripped off by a badger with paws like frying pans. Wait, Wait, Guys I am sorry that’s not gana happen the yellow ring just got the best of me. What I am trying to say is stay the F**K out of my way, and everything will be cool. Everyone looks around at each other waiting for someone else to speak first. Ion Starts to slowly clap, the rest of the lanterns join in, and then the rest of the team does to. No one knows why, but it gets the people going. All members race to the area they have the most advantage. BL Brainiac Makes some adjustment to Clanks ”Terminator#40 “ Hydrogen Fuel cells, Then locks him into the bomb bay of the Z-95 Headhunter. All members of Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies have take position in their own comfort zones. Sandworms #1-5 are fighting over the carcass of Sandworm #11, Graboid #1 is wisely avoiding the frenzy. Just as The Five Sandworms run out of their enemies flesh they turn on each other. It’s at that moment that the legendary crew of the Righteous indignation drop a make shift Hydrogen bomb on the desert section. All five Sandworms are decimated as well as Graboid #1 Sarah Palin makes her way into Sandy’s Bar her sith Lavarouk at ready. THE TOILET FLUSHES! Xebel Soldier # 1 walks out and is dropped by to well placed shots from Palin. As Sarah stands on top of her kill and takes a picture with her I-Phone. Fozzy Bear uses this opportunity to rush the one time vice presidential nominee and secure a garrote around her neck. She claws, scratches, and kicks. Fozzy just smiles and pulls so tight that he almost severs her head. Marines #58-62 are alerted that their V.I.P has been terminated, and bust through the door guns blazing. Xebel Soldiers 2-4 Jim Tebow and Sue Yerazzov return fire. Blood is spilt, grenades are thrown and just about everybody dies. Fozzy Bear Survived the blast by cutting open Jim Tebow and climbing inside, Skywalker style. Fozzy: Ugh. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside, Wocka Wocka! Fozzy Gets up and runs to the woods, once safe he stops to catch his breath. That’s when the Blair Witch makes its move. Coming up from behind, she wraps her arms around his neck slowly. Fozzy counters with a back fist to the face and a stone cold stunner. Then the Jim Henson Original whips out his garrote and gets back the 12 dollars he spent on her s***y movie, and by get his money back I mean he strangled her. Above the surface of the playoff planet, a dog fight erupts between Scattershot and the crew of the Righteous Indignation. Despite Jenny’s expert piloting, Scattershot’s firepower is just to great. The Z95-Headhunter is practically blown in half. AFC Blinkie is the only one left alive and he uses his last moments to steer the falling ship into Jedi Master #20, Ginaz Swordmaster #10, Greedo, Jedi Knight #39B, Jedi Knight #40B.Killing them all. The original Power Ranger Team looks to match up against Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan Red Lantern and Star Sapphire Guy Gardner Blue Lantern Kyle Rayner and Black Lantern Brainiac. Red Ranger Jason: This will be easy, these guys are just knock off versions of use. Pink Ranger Kimberly: That’s what you said about the Green Ranger. Red Ranger Jason: Shut the f**k up Kimberly. The two team square up but before anyone can throw a punch Hal Jordan creates a huge orange hand and crushes all the Rangers to death. Black Lantern Brainiac: Hey, I was gana eat their hearts. Hal Jordan: I OWN YOU! I am sorry ,I don’t own you. That was inappropriate. The Lanterns Fly away looking for someone else to fight. That someone ends up being Black Lantern Guy Gardner. The two Gardner’s come face to face and are in aww of each other. Of course Hal Jordan has to ruin the moment when he hit’s the Black Lantern with a burst from each of his rings. RLSS Guy Gardner : WHAT THE HELL MAN? WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT. Hal Jordan: I am sorry man I thought he was comin at you. Nekron Finds Scattershot, Strafe , Afterburner , and Velma discussing a plan to stay alive through the match. It wasn’t a very good plan as Nekron walks up behind and give ‘s them all a pat on the back. That Sends all of them to the graveyard. Dynomutt: Dog Wonder and Ernie Harwell try avenging their teammates, but there is no hope for the legendary Broadcaster and his gay dog, And by no hope I mean there dead. With the Murderflies on the ropes, GM The Champion of the Universe for his team to regroup for one last assault. Logical Genocide storms the Murderflies hideout. Lorne Michaels is ready and puts on right between general zods eyes. Lorne Fires again, this time at Ion. Ion forms a shield and the laser ricochets and kills zombie arwen. Ion then Forms a hammer and flattens the producer. RLSS Guy Gardner goes bezzerk and rips through Moon Knight, Squirrel Girl, and Flatman. Quick Draw McGraw gets off one shot before being beaten to death by the champion. Quick Draw’s one bullet makes its way into the back of the winter soldiers brain, killing him instantly. Nekron starts to feel a little greedy standing next to Hal Jordan and decides to use his reality warping powers and disintegrates the building killing everyone inside. Mr. Immortal was standing outside the building when it happened and saw the whole thing. Maybe if he had paid more attention he would have noticed Fozzy bear creepin up behind him. Fozzy Strangles him to death like he has to some many others, but Mr. Immortal just comes right back to life. Mr. Immortal: I can do this all day! Fozzy Bear: So can I.

Season 5 Week 6: Better Than All of You vs Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches

Better Than All of You is Symbiote Suit Spider Man w/ Indigo Lantern Ring, Iron Suit Spider Man, Anti Venom, G.I. Joe Mech Unit Team; Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, & Roadblock, Yellow Lanterns #1 & #2, Batman (Dick Grayson) w/ Green Lantern Ring, Robin (Damien) w/ Purple Lightsaber, Bret “Hitman” Hart w/Mithril Vest, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Davey Boy Smith, Dynamite Kid w/Tron Light Suit & Light Disc, Macho Man w/ Mandalorian Armor, Jake Blues w/ Storm Shadow's Katana Blade, Elwood Blues w/ Snake Eyes Katana Blade, Nightwing (Lor-Zod), Flamebird (Thara Ak-Var), Sando Aqua Monster, Black Lantern She Hulk, Morpheus, Smoke, Mr. Mind, Yogurt, Skeletor w/ Gandalf the White's Staff, Rogue, Flash (Wally West), Nick Fury, Eye of Sauron, Granny Goodness, Red Wing, Super Sonic.



Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are Michael Myers with red lightsaber, Dracula, Vulcan, In Betweener, Master Order, Lord Chaos, Matt Oblak with Mandalorian armor and blue and green lightsabers, Teresa Oblak in a Tron lightsuit with light disc, along with blue and green lightsabers, Gladiator Voltron 1-5, Black Zarak, Victory Leo/Star Saber, Chaos King, Peraxxus and Signalmen 1-4, BL Apocalypse, Predi-Alien with red ring, Oblivion, Deathstorm and Peppy Hare with Maul's double lightsaber in an AT-ST.

The Playoff Planet has drawn the gaze of the Eye of Sauron as his team enters the battlefield. They are led by the sixteen time World Champion, Ric Flair, who is adorned in special armored, yet still crystal-encrusted and feather trimmed, robe. He is flanked by Tully Blanchard and Nick Fury (in the interest of the upcoming movie, we will be going with the Samuel L. Jackson version of Nick Fury here) and closely followed by the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs. The rest of Better Than All of You is marching behind them as well as they all look upon what very well may be their destruction. The Backyardigans have opted to unzip their pants and show exactly how big their dick is for this battle. A shadow begins to cover the ranks of BTaoY as Black Zarak begins to stand up and transform into his robot form. The Decepticon is massive and towers over the whole lot. Flair ignites his blue lightsaber and lets out a thunderous “Wooooooo!!”

“That’s our cue, Thara,” Nightwing says to his partner Flamebird as the two Kryptonians take flight and blast over their team. They move at such a high velocity that moments before they tear through Black Zarak chest and out the other end there is a loud sonic boom. They fly back to their ranks and give each other a quick fist bump as the enormous transformer crashes to the ground.

Yet even with this first strike, the Backyardigans do not retaliate. Gladiator Voltron, along with Victory Leo and Star Saber (whom have now formed Victory Saber) hold their ground as BTaoY charge towards them. The G.I. Joe Mech Units quickly swarm Gladiator Voltron as Batman and Robin try to attack the much larger Victory Saber. The Joes work quickly and efficiently as they take down Gladiator Voltron. Batman then uses his Green Lantern ring and blasts Star Saber’s head clean off. They are then ambushed by Peraxxus and his Signalmen. They in turn, find themselves surrounded by Symbiote Spider-Man, Iron Spider-Man, Anti-Venom, Rogue, Black Lantern She-Hulk and Skeletor. Peraxxus quickly dispels Iron Spidey as the Signalmen converge on the others. Robin ignites his lightsaber and races towards Signalman #1, slides underneath him and lops his right leg off at the kneecap. The Son of the Bat then back flips up and drives his purple blade into the skull of his foe. Peraxxus then turns his attention to the G.I. Joe Mech Unit team and annihilates them all in one fell swoop. As Rogue, Symbiote Spider-Man and Skeletor work on taking out the three remaining Signalmen, Batman, Black Lantern She-Hulk and Anti-Venom triple team Peraxxus. As powerful as the world destroyer may be, even he falls to the guts and determination of the trio. With another small victory under BTaoY’s belt they push on, in hopes of wrestling another victory away from certain defeat.

Out in space, Master Order, Lord Chaos, In-Betweener and Chaos King are all patiently waiting. Silent. Motionless. Boring.

But something catches Master Order’s and Lord Chaos’s attention. They send the Chaos King to eliminate the disturbance. He teleport down to the volcanic ruins of the Playoff Planet where he find the Eye of Sauron watching the events of the battle unfold. The Chaos King is well aware of the power that “Lidless Eye” holds and knows that it can not be allowed to interfere. He attacks the eye, and in a massive explosion, which decimates the entire volcanic region, the Chaos King destroys the Eye of Sauron, but at the cost of his own life as well.

The dying sun still peaks out over the horizon as Matt Oblak climbs out the AT-ST. his Mandalorian armor shines as it catches the last of the sunlight. The light reflects and accentuates the scrapes and mars that emblazons the chest plate courtesy of Matt’s years of battle on the now defunct Untouchables.

“You got this, Peppy?” Oblak says as he looks back down into the AT-ST.

“Oh yeah, I have this well under control,” replies the aged grey rabbit.

Matt reaches back into the AT-ST and extends his hand out to lend his wife, Teresa. She grabs hold of his mighty arm and climbs up out of the AT-ST. The vibrant green from her illuminating strips begin to travel up her curves as she prepares for battle herself. The chemist’s helmet begins to digitize over her head moments after giving her loving and devoted husband a sensual kiss. Matt launches into the air, courtesy of his Mandalorian jetpack as Teresa flips off of the AT-ST and races off. Peppy begins to make his way into the battle when the top of the AT-ST is opened up again. Thinking it was one of the Oblaks, Peppy pays no attention to it. However, it actually ended up being the Blues Brothers who must have been on a mission from God. They move quickly with their katana blades that they received when Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow fell. Peppy Hare wasn’t even able to grab Darth Maul’s double bladed lightsaber. Jake opens the hatch back up and tosses Peppy’s carcass out to the ground.

Teresa moves carefully through the city, when she soon finds herself in a handicap match against the British Bulldogs. Davey Boy Smith tries to clothesline the chemist, but she bends back, Matrix-style, and dodges it. She runs up close to a building and uses the wall to kick herself off of it, spins around and flings her light disc. Davey Boy turns around just in time to see it go right into his neck. Dynamite Kid, however has a lightsuit of his own. The illuminating strips are formed into a pattern that resembles the Union Jack. The two of them square off. Dynamite is quickly gaining the upper hand, until Teresa does something quick unexpected. She backs up from Dynamite, reaches up to her neck and begins to slowly unzip her lightsuit. Dynamite Kid is mesmerized by her seduction and doesn’t hear the slow hum of the jetpack flying in behind him. Matt flies in, with both lightsabers drawn and takes Dynamite out.

“What the hell are you doing, Terese?” asks her husband.

“Whatever we need to do to with for the Backyardigans,” she sternly replies. “That’s the team we’re one now. The Backyardigans. Not the Untouchables, not Oblivio, and certainly not the Kennelz. We’re Backyardigans now. Now come here.” Teresa removes Matt’s helmet and grabs a hold of her husband, shoving his mouth into hers so hard it looks like it hurts. Matt is shocked by her new found passion, and in turn fired up himself.

“Alright, now let’s finish “Better Than None” off and go back to the locker room so we can continue this,” she says.

Their AT-ST comes clomping in as Matt signals to what he still believes to be Peppy. Teresa, however, sees that its blasters are turning their aim right at them and knocks Matt out of the way.

“There’s blood smeared down the side of that thing,” Teresa says to Matt. “I don’t think that’s Peppy in there. Plus I don’t think Peppy ever listened to John Lee Hooker.”

The AT-ST fires several shots at them, confirming her suspicions. The Oblaks draw their lightsaber and leap into action. Matt takes off up into the air to draw the attention of the AT-ST as Teresa runs up and uses her lightsabers to slice through its left leg. The AT-ST crashes to the street below as Matt fires a missile from his jetpack, destroying it and the Blues Brothers. The Oblaks seem to be running rough shot through the ranks of BTaoY.

That is until…..

“Wooooooooooooo!!!!!”

The stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun arrives in the city, followed closely behind with The Hart Foundation, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and Tully Blanchard. Savage in his own Mandalorian Armor takes to the air and engages Matt as Flair struts towards Teresa.
“My, my, my. Wooooo!” says Flair. “What do we have here?! Let me take a look at you.”

Teresa, completely smitten by Flair’s advances, takes Ric’s hands as he slowly spins her around so that he can properly drink in Teresa in her lightsuit. The green glow from her illuminating strips bounces off the crystals that adorn Flair’s magnificent armored robe.
“Honey, lets you and me go over here, so you can take a ride on Space Mountain,” says “Slick Ric.” Strangely enough, Teresa shows no sign of struggle and willing follows Flair.

This completely distracts Matt and allows Macho Man to level him with a massive jetpack powered flying elbow. Oblak crashes into a parked car, crushing the roof and shattering the windows on impact. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart grabs him and gives him a wicked suplex. All the while there are various “Wooooo’s” and moans that can be heard from the nearby alley.

Bloodied and battered, Matt tries to pick himself up off of the pavement. “Terese… what are….you… doing…” he tries to call out.

“Don’t worry about her, she’s in the best hands in the game,” quips Tully Blanchard as he kicks Matt in the stomach. He tries to end Matt with a blow from his Sith Lavarouk, but Matt isn’t going to go down without a fight. Something he fears his wife is doing at this very moment. Matt ignites his blue and green lightsaber and blocks the Lavarouk. He then sweeps Tully’s legs out from underneath him as he rolls back up onto his feet. Matt fires his wrist mounted grappling hook to tie up the Anvil’s legs and yanks him down to the ground. Bret Hart, however, dropkicks Matt back to the ground and stomps him. He then grabs a hold of his legs and locks in the Sharpshooter. Matt screams in anguish as the Hitman wrenches back harder. Tully gets back to his feet, wipes a little blood from his mouth and spits on Matt.

“That’s it, you’re finished,” says Blanchard as he drives his Sith Lavarouk down into the back of Matt’s head.
It’s just about at this time, that “the Dirtiest Player in the Game” is walking back out from the alley. Teresa, completely disheveled, her hair completely a mess and her lightsuit barely zipped. As she tries to fix her hair somewhat, she notices a small worm crawling out of her ear. She grabs is and sees that it’s Mr. Mind. He had been controlling her mind so that she wouldn’t refuse Ric’s seductions. Now, filled with anger, she crushes the alien worm in her hand. She then looks up from her hand and sees Flair being congratulated by his boys for a job well done with her. Teresa also sees her husband, lying dead on the ground and is now enraged. She reaches for her light disc, but it’s not there. She goes to grab her lightsabers, but finds that they too are no where to be found.
Flair then turns around and says, “Oh honey, you looking for these? Boys why don’t you go and finish her off… again for me. Woooo.”

Teresa, not one to back down from a fight, welcomes the challenge. The Anvil rushes towards her, but Teresa quickly moves out of the way. She then sees that Ric arrogantly left his own blue lightsaber behind. She snatches it up quickly and decapitates Neidhart.

“Come on, steroid boys! Bring it on!” she yells. Teresa then rushes towards the four remaining wrestlers. She manages to still be able to take out Macho Man, but in the end Ric Flair is able to drive her own lightsaber through her chest.

Meanwhile, in the arctic, there is another small war waging on between these too teams. Red Wing is slammed to the ground by a red energy blast from the vicious Predi-Alien. He manages to get one quick hit in but is then hammered four times and is defeated. (Anyone see what I just did there?) Deathstorm has already turned Smoke into a pile of ash and is currently trying to get a bead on Super Sonic. The two Yellow Lanterns are embroiled in an aerial battle with Vulcan. But it is all for not, as Vulcan quickly and easily dispatches to the two lanterns. He then notices in the icy waters below that BTaoY have a Sando Aqua Monster waiting in the depths. He focuses a great deal of energy and fires it into the water, killing the mighty beast. And with a smirk and a chuckle, Vulcan files away.

Wally West comes racing in to lend a hand to Super Sonic as he is still evading Deathstorm’s attacks. The two speedsters zip around Deathstorm and manage to distract him as Nightwing and Flamebird fly in and take him out. Morpheus is trying to best Dracula, but the lord of the vampires is simply too fast for even one as skilled as Morpheus. Dracula disappears only to rematerialize virtually instantly behind Morpheus and snaps down onto his neck. He drains the very life out of him and drops Morpheus’s carcass into the snow. Anti-Venom, hidden by the snow, leaps out and tackles Dracula. Brock uses his Anti-Venom powers to weaken Dracula and ultimately destroy him, by “curing” him of his vampirism. This, however, has taken a lot out of Anti-Venom and he doesn’t hear or notice Michael Myers coming up behind him. “The Shape” ignites his red lightsaber and cuts Anti-Venom right in half sending him to the graveyard. Black Lantern She-Hulk then nails Michael with a ferocious right cross that sends him slamming into a tree. She flies over and jams her hand into Myer’s chest, only to find that he has no heart, nor a soul. Michael re-ignites his lightsaber and with a quick swipe, the crimson blade cuts Black Lantern She-Hulk’s arm off. He stands back up, with the severed arm still sticking out of his chest, and processed to brutally (and I mean brutally, I actually threw up when I witnessed it) hack Black Lantern She-Hulk apart.

Batman and Robin then enter the fray only to be attacked by both the Predi-Alien and Black Lantern Apocalypse. They do manage to receive some aid from Symbiote Spider-Man and his Indigo Lantern Ring. Spidey taps into both Batman’s Green ring and Predi-Alien’s Red ring and focuses the power at Black Lantern Apocalypse. Though the decaying and former Horsemen is vastly powerful, he is unable to defend against this attack and perishes. Damien is narrowly avoiding Predi-Alien’s rage vomit, but is able to evade him long enough for his two teammates to fly in and destroy him. Robin motions to Batman and Spider-Man to continue on and that he just needs a moment to catch his breath. What Damien did not realize is that breath was going to be his last. He lets out a loud scream as he is lifted into the air by Michel Myers, who has driven a large icicle into Robin’s abdomen. Blood spurts out of his mouth as he continues his wails of agony. Defiant until the end, Damien looks right at Michael and spits blood all over his white emotionless mask. Batman hears Damien’s cries and doubles back, hoping he’s not too late. Which is exactly what he is. Just like his mentor, he now has lost a Robin to the hand of a demented killer. He sees Michael Myers standing over the body of Damien and launches a dozen green energy batarangs at him. They slice and penetrate various parts of Myers’ body, but they do not drop him. Now enraged with vengeance, Dick Grayson, loses control, flies in and tackles him to the snowy ground. Batman begins to wildly throw lefts and rights, ignoring any of his past training and discipline. Michael then grabs a hold of Damien’s purple lightsaber and uses it, coupled with his own to slice Batman’s arms off. He then finishes him off by driving both of them right into his face.

By this time the rest of the ranks of Better Than All Of You have all regrouped to find their ranks dwindled, but not completely defeated. Nick Fury tries to rally his troops but they are quickly attacked by Vulcan, Oblivion and the In-Betweener. Oblivion obliterates Yogurt, Granny Goodness and Bret Hart in an instant. Skeletor tries to conjure some magic, but is vaporized by Vulcan before he can cast any spell. Flamebird and Nightwing rip into the air and attack the In-Betweener with all their might. They work as a unit, trying to take down the cosmically powered being, but he bends reality and eliminates both of them from existence. Vulcan then, in a cruel twist of irony, saps the power from Rogue and kills her. He then absorbs the speed force right out of Wally West, making him easy prey for Oblivion. Super Sonic races in to try and aid his speedster friend, but is met with a similar fate.

“ENOUGH!!” a voice from the heavens bellows. “I have seen enough. You have all battled well, but there is no chance for victory for you. We shall spare your lives.”

The voice comes from Master Order. He, along with Lord Chaos use their vast powers to remove the remaining members from Better Than All of You from the Playoff Planet and ends this confrontation.