Pop Superstar Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are Ben Kenobi, Azeem Edin Bashir al-Bakir, and Ahmed Best.
Le’ Napoleon’s Brigade is John McClane, Desmond Hume, Kate Austen, John “Sawyer” Ford, and Pee Wee Herman.
John McClane, Desmond Hume, Kate Austen, John “Sawyer” Ford, and Pee Wee Herman are all sitting at a table in the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings in Novi, Michigan. “I can’t believe we’re barely over .500 right now. We’re defending N.L. champs for Christ’s sake!” says John McClane as he knocks back a brew. “Hey at least we’re still in the playoffs. This year’s been rough for everyone,” replies Kate Austen. “The hell with that. All I’m saying is no one better come in here looking for a fight, cause I’m in the mood to kill someone,” fires back McClane. Just then Ben Kenobi, Azeem Edin Bashir al-Bakir and Ahmed Best walk into B-Dubs. “Aww God damn it!” McClane says as he tosses a beer bottle to the ground. All four members of Le’ Napoleon’s Brigade pull out guns and start firing at the Commandos. Errant shots pelt several waitresses including Lindsay and Sara, but smart thinking by Angela keeps her out of harm’s way. Ben Kenobi and Azeem are able to block the shots, which allows Ahmed Best to leap and tackle Pee Wee Herman off his bar stool. They proceed to get into the girliest slap fight one will ever see between two grown men. It’s so bad that Sawyer shoots both of them just so they would stop. Ben Kenobi then Force pushes McClane off his stool and over the bar. “Hey John, come out to the bar, drink some beer, have a few laughs,” McClane sarcastically mumbles to himself as he pulls shards of liquor bottles out of his arm. The three Lost characters then triple team Azeem and overwhelm him with bullets, but before he falls he launches his sword into the air and impales Desmond with it. As Desmond falls to the ground he says “Should have seen that coming.” Ben Kenobi then engages Sawyer and Kate with his lightsaber drawn. He immediately takes Sawyer’s left arm off, before taking Kate’s right arm off. Then with another couple swings of his lightsaber, he takes their other arms off as well. Now with both Kate and Sawyer unarmed (get it? HA!), the old Jedi Master makes quick work of them. “What the F*#& are you doing John? About to get killed by a Jedi, that’s what!” McClane grumbles to himself as he checks his gun. He then tosses a couple bottles of booze at Master Kenobi and shoots them with his gun, soaking Kenobi with liquor. This does not stall the Jedi from coming after the disgruntled detective. He jumps on top of the bar with his lightsaber drawn, but just as Ben lands, McClane lights a match and flicks it at the Jedi. The match ignites the liquor that was splashed all over Kenobi, which gives McClane the opportunity he needs. "Yippee ki-yay, m!#$%&*&^#@r!" John says as he fires two shots square into Ben Kenobi’s chest. He then climbs back over the bar and the moment he sits back down, Angela is already there with a fresh beer for him.
LE’ NAPOLEON’S BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The Untouchables vs. TEAM
I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 11 Match: The Untouchables v Team. The Untouchables are Deadpool, Horatio Caine and MacGyver. TEAM is Yarael Poof, John Wayne, Musashi and Amy D'amico.
I transport the teams into The Lodge, except for Horatio Caine and Amy D’amico.
Horatio Caine (takes off his sunglasses): Ms. D’amico, tell me, I hear you’re going to be married soon, isn’t that right.
Amy D’amico: Yeah.
Caine: Ms. D’amico, do you recognize that this is a Death Match?
Amy D’amico: I do Detective Caine. But TEAM plans to win this match so it shouldn’t be a problem.
Caine: It may be a problem for you Ms. D’amico. [Caine puts his sunglasses on]. It may be a problem for you. [Caine walks into the bar in slow motion. . . followed by D’amico].
As the two walk into the bar they see the teams fighting one another. Musashi has his sword drawn and is approaching MacGyver. MacGyver has a matchstick, a bottle of Jim Beam, a dishrag and a piece of gum in his hands. He is quickly using these items to form a “special” MacGyver invention. As Musashi is about to slice the young adventurer in half, MacGyver shows that he has a Molotov cocktail in his hand. He has created this weapon by stuffing the dishrag in the bottle of Jim Beam and holding the rag in place with the piece of gum. He used the match to light his contraption. He throws the fiery cocktail at Musashi. Although Musashi smashes the bottle with his sword, the bottle’s flaming pieces strike the warrior. Musashi catches on fire and runs around the bar. He is shot and killed by Deadpool.
John Wayne sees Deadpool across the dance floor. The marksmen face each other.
John Wayne: Hello Pilgrim, let’s say we draw.
Deadpool (smiles to himself): Sure old man, don’t mind if I do.
Deadpool snatches a pen from a waitress pad on the floor. Wayne is taken aback as Deadpool shows him what he drew on the pad. It simply says “Bang!!!”
Wayne: Bang?!?!
Deadpool draws his weapon and fires, hitting Wayne squarely in the forehead. Wayne drops dead.
Deadpool: Yeah, like as in, you’re dead.
Yarael Poof has seen enough. He ignites his lightsaber and runs at both Deadpool and MacGyver. Deadpool fires his guns repeatedly at the Jedi Master. Poof easily deflects the bullets, which disintegrate into small pieces. Poof manages to deflect a spattering of pieces at MacGyver. MacGyver drops to the floor, mortally wounded. Horatio Caine sees his comrade fall. Caine takes off his glasses and bends down in slow motion to assist his comrade in his death.
Caine: What is it MacGyver? What can I do for you, my friend?
MacGyver: Tell my son, MacGruber, that I loved. . . . [MacGyver dies].
Caine (looks at MacGyver with remorse): I will my friend. I will.
Caine slowly gets up and sees D’amico picking up a broken bottle to use as a weapon. Caine walks toward her, gun drawn.
On the other side of the bar, one notices that Poof has gained ground on Deadpool. Deadpool must reload his guns, which is the instant that Poof has been waiting for. Poof takes advantage of the weapons’ interruption and decapitates Deadpool. Poof then looks over to see Caine walking toward D’amico.
Caine: Ms. D’amico, please put down the bottle.
D’amico: I don’t think so.
Caine: Amy! Don’t make me say it to you again! Put down the weapon!
Amy hesitates and puts the bottle down.
Caine: Remember what I told you earlier. This is a Death Match.
D’amico: I remember.
Caine: I have no pleasure in doing this Amy.
Caine raises his weapon, ready to fire at the woman. Amy thinks how much Ryan will miss her. Amy also thinks that Ryan will never be able to find someone as cool as her, especially since he is. . . Ryan. As Amy closes her eyes, Poof strikes and lops off both hands of Caine. Caine screams and falls to his knees. D’amico stands over Caine. D’amico now has the broken bottle in her hand.
D’amico: Horatio, never stand between a girl and her wedding.
D’amico slashes down with the bottle and slices his neck. Caine bleeds out.
Poof: Let’s get ready for more wedding planning, young lady.
D’amico: Sounds good to me.
Poof: I almost think that I enjoy it just as much as you do.
D’amico: Maybe you do Poofster. Maybe you do.
Untouchables: All dead.
TEAM: Yarael Poof and Amy D’amico alive.
TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!
I transport the teams into The Lodge, except for Horatio Caine and Amy D’amico.
Horatio Caine (takes off his sunglasses): Ms. D’amico, tell me, I hear you’re going to be married soon, isn’t that right.
Amy D’amico: Yeah.
Caine: Ms. D’amico, do you recognize that this is a Death Match?
Amy D’amico: I do Detective Caine. But TEAM plans to win this match so it shouldn’t be a problem.
Caine: It may be a problem for you Ms. D’amico. [Caine puts his sunglasses on]. It may be a problem for you. [Caine walks into the bar in slow motion. . . followed by D’amico].
As the two walk into the bar they see the teams fighting one another. Musashi has his sword drawn and is approaching MacGyver. MacGyver has a matchstick, a bottle of Jim Beam, a dishrag and a piece of gum in his hands. He is quickly using these items to form a “special” MacGyver invention. As Musashi is about to slice the young adventurer in half, MacGyver shows that he has a Molotov cocktail in his hand. He has created this weapon by stuffing the dishrag in the bottle of Jim Beam and holding the rag in place with the piece of gum. He used the match to light his contraption. He throws the fiery cocktail at Musashi. Although Musashi smashes the bottle with his sword, the bottle’s flaming pieces strike the warrior. Musashi catches on fire and runs around the bar. He is shot and killed by Deadpool.
John Wayne sees Deadpool across the dance floor. The marksmen face each other.
John Wayne: Hello Pilgrim, let’s say we draw.
Deadpool (smiles to himself): Sure old man, don’t mind if I do.
Deadpool snatches a pen from a waitress pad on the floor. Wayne is taken aback as Deadpool shows him what he drew on the pad. It simply says “Bang!!!”
Wayne: Bang?!?!
Deadpool draws his weapon and fires, hitting Wayne squarely in the forehead. Wayne drops dead.
Deadpool: Yeah, like as in, you’re dead.
Yarael Poof has seen enough. He ignites his lightsaber and runs at both Deadpool and MacGyver. Deadpool fires his guns repeatedly at the Jedi Master. Poof easily deflects the bullets, which disintegrate into small pieces. Poof manages to deflect a spattering of pieces at MacGyver. MacGyver drops to the floor, mortally wounded. Horatio Caine sees his comrade fall. Caine takes off his glasses and bends down in slow motion to assist his comrade in his death.
Caine: What is it MacGyver? What can I do for you, my friend?
MacGyver: Tell my son, MacGruber, that I loved. . . . [MacGyver dies].
Caine (looks at MacGyver with remorse): I will my friend. I will.
Caine slowly gets up and sees D’amico picking up a broken bottle to use as a weapon. Caine walks toward her, gun drawn.
On the other side of the bar, one notices that Poof has gained ground on Deadpool. Deadpool must reload his guns, which is the instant that Poof has been waiting for. Poof takes advantage of the weapons’ interruption and decapitates Deadpool. Poof then looks over to see Caine walking toward D’amico.
Caine: Ms. D’amico, please put down the bottle.
D’amico: I don’t think so.
Caine: Amy! Don’t make me say it to you again! Put down the weapon!
Amy hesitates and puts the bottle down.
Caine: Remember what I told you earlier. This is a Death Match.
D’amico: I remember.
Caine: I have no pleasure in doing this Amy.
Caine raises his weapon, ready to fire at the woman. Amy thinks how much Ryan will miss her. Amy also thinks that Ryan will never be able to find someone as cool as her, especially since he is. . . Ryan. As Amy closes her eyes, Poof strikes and lops off both hands of Caine. Caine screams and falls to his knees. D’amico stands over Caine. D’amico now has the broken bottle in her hand.
D’amico: Horatio, never stand between a girl and her wedding.
D’amico slashes down with the bottle and slices his neck. Caine bleeds out.
Poof: Let’s get ready for more wedding planning, young lady.
D’amico: Sounds good to me.
Poof: I almost think that I enjoy it just as much as you do.
D’amico: Maybe you do Poofster. Maybe you do.
Untouchables: All dead.
TEAM: Yarael Poof and Amy D’amico alive.
TEAM IS VICTORIOUS!!!
Alice's Wonder Team Vs. The Syracuse Valley
Alice’s Wonder Team is Vampire #2 (Augustus Lamva), Vampire #3 (Bob), & Goblin #2 (Hoog).
The Syracuse Valley is Jedi Guardian #3 (Sen Ages), Jedi Padawan #37 (Tim Cheveldae (no relation to the all-star goalie)), Fire Bros #3 (Hotsie), Hammer Bros. #2 (Dead On), & Boomerang Bros. #1 (Aussie).
The Syracuse Valley have all grabbed seats at the bar at Livonia’s Leather bottle on Farmington Road. Denise brings them all some happy hour Bud Lights (except Boomerang Bros. #1, he only drinks Fosters), and then gives them a bubble so there next one can still be at the discounted price (what a gal). The Syracuse Valley have been thru a lot this season, and although they have actually made a little bit more out of this year then some expected (especially with their surprise win over N.L. champs Le’ Napoleon Brigade) they still have put a record amount of combatants into the Graveyard. Head Coach Mcgruff the Crime Dog has truly appreciated the contribution these 5 members have made to the team and their positive attitude which he believes has kept the team together thru the rough times. For a reward he has given the team credit card to Master Jedi Sen Ages and the boys so they could go have a good time. I believe his exact words were “Go take a bite out of fun”. Hotsie turns to his Bros and says “you know, I haven’t even gotten over the loss of Fire Bros. #1 yet; and now that Fire Bros. #2 is gone as well, I just don’t know what to do with myself”. Sen Ages says “It’s rough isn’t it. I admit it, I even miss Darth Maul a little bit. I know we were on different sides of the force but he was a heck of a fighter. “Not to mention that Darth Rave just hasn’t been the same since he saw his master killed” Dead On the Hammer Bros. adds. Aussie the Boomerang Bros. then says “You sure are right about that mates. But do you know what blokes I think I miss the most are Soundwave and all his crazy tapes. I know that Ravage and Ratbat were always ripping up the furniture and all, but the practical jokes that Rumble and Frenzy used to play on the team; the stuff those 2 blokes did just never got old to me, it was brilliant”. Tim Cheveldae (again no relation) adds “yeah Aussie, Master Sen and I were just saying the other day that the other 4 tapes just seem lost without Soundwave there to keep them warm and energized at night in his chest cavity/tape deck”. As the Valley orders their next round Denise gives them one more bubble each (even though it is technically 2 minutes past the happy hour deadline; now that is service you just can’t get anywhere else). While Sen, Tim, Hotsie, Dead On, & Aussie all start on their next beers 3 hooded figures enter the bar. As the squad’s unofficial leader Augustus Lamvas approaches the bar Denise puts down a napkin and says: “What are you drinkin honey”. Augustus pulls off his hood and smiles at her revealing his sharpened teeth and replies with the word “Blood” as he takes his nails and rips open the jugular vein of Dead On to kill him. At this opening move Bob and Hoog jump into action while Sen Ages and his squad pop out of their stools ready for a fight. Bob Lunges thru the fire attacks of Hotsie and bites his neck saying “MMM Spicy” on his way to attack Aussie. Aussie launches his Boomerang at Bob but the quick reflexed Vampire ducks under it and continues moving towards him. Bob is in mid jump toward Aussie when his boomerang returns and cuts off the vampire’s head before Aussie catches it. “No worries, tis Nothin to lose your head over mate”. Aussie says with a cheery chuckle to Bob’s both dead and undead body. Hoog the Goblin pulls out his short sword/knife combo and attacks Sen Ages. Hoog may be a fierce fighter, but Sen is to quick for the goblin. He dodges Hoog’s initial attack and then ignites his lightsaber and stabs him thru the heart. Despite Denise’s warnings from behind the bar Augustus jumps up behind Aussie before he can get his Boomerang off and rips into the Boomerang Bros. The quick moving Augustus then leaps toward Sen Ages. Sen goes in for the kill but Augustus moves out of the way. The lightsaber swing removes 3 of the vampire’s fingers but it does not seem to slow him down in the least. Augustus grabs the Jedi’s wrist and begins squeezing, causing him to lose his grip on the weapon. Augustus then bites the neck of the disarmed Jedi Guardian to kill him. “NOOOOOO” Tim screams as he sees the death of his master. Tim lunges at Augustus but the vampire dodges his attack. The 2 opponents square off against one another. Augustus lets his rage and bloodlust take over while Tim attempts to use the force to calm his nerves just like his master Sen Ages has taught him. Tim stands back patiently waiting for Augustus Lamva’s attack and when he does Tim waits until the last second to move out of the way and kill Augustus with a head removing swing of his lightsaber.
THE SYRACUSE VALLEY IS VICTORIOUS!
The Syracuse Valley is Jedi Guardian #3 (Sen Ages), Jedi Padawan #37 (Tim Cheveldae (no relation to the all-star goalie)), Fire Bros #3 (Hotsie), Hammer Bros. #2 (Dead On), & Boomerang Bros. #1 (Aussie).
The Syracuse Valley have all grabbed seats at the bar at Livonia’s Leather bottle on Farmington Road. Denise brings them all some happy hour Bud Lights (except Boomerang Bros. #1, he only drinks Fosters), and then gives them a bubble so there next one can still be at the discounted price (what a gal). The Syracuse Valley have been thru a lot this season, and although they have actually made a little bit more out of this year then some expected (especially with their surprise win over N.L. champs Le’ Napoleon Brigade) they still have put a record amount of combatants into the Graveyard. Head Coach Mcgruff the Crime Dog has truly appreciated the contribution these 5 members have made to the team and their positive attitude which he believes has kept the team together thru the rough times. For a reward he has given the team credit card to Master Jedi Sen Ages and the boys so they could go have a good time. I believe his exact words were “Go take a bite out of fun”. Hotsie turns to his Bros and says “you know, I haven’t even gotten over the loss of Fire Bros. #1 yet; and now that Fire Bros. #2 is gone as well, I just don’t know what to do with myself”. Sen Ages says “It’s rough isn’t it. I admit it, I even miss Darth Maul a little bit. I know we were on different sides of the force but he was a heck of a fighter. “Not to mention that Darth Rave just hasn’t been the same since he saw his master killed” Dead On the Hammer Bros. adds. Aussie the Boomerang Bros. then says “You sure are right about that mates. But do you know what blokes I think I miss the most are Soundwave and all his crazy tapes. I know that Ravage and Ratbat were always ripping up the furniture and all, but the practical jokes that Rumble and Frenzy used to play on the team; the stuff those 2 blokes did just never got old to me, it was brilliant”. Tim Cheveldae (again no relation) adds “yeah Aussie, Master Sen and I were just saying the other day that the other 4 tapes just seem lost without Soundwave there to keep them warm and energized at night in his chest cavity/tape deck”. As the Valley orders their next round Denise gives them one more bubble each (even though it is technically 2 minutes past the happy hour deadline; now that is service you just can’t get anywhere else). While Sen, Tim, Hotsie, Dead On, & Aussie all start on their next beers 3 hooded figures enter the bar. As the squad’s unofficial leader Augustus Lamvas approaches the bar Denise puts down a napkin and says: “What are you drinkin honey”. Augustus pulls off his hood and smiles at her revealing his sharpened teeth and replies with the word “Blood” as he takes his nails and rips open the jugular vein of Dead On to kill him. At this opening move Bob and Hoog jump into action while Sen Ages and his squad pop out of their stools ready for a fight. Bob Lunges thru the fire attacks of Hotsie and bites his neck saying “MMM Spicy” on his way to attack Aussie. Aussie launches his Boomerang at Bob but the quick reflexed Vampire ducks under it and continues moving towards him. Bob is in mid jump toward Aussie when his boomerang returns and cuts off the vampire’s head before Aussie catches it. “No worries, tis Nothin to lose your head over mate”. Aussie says with a cheery chuckle to Bob’s both dead and undead body. Hoog the Goblin pulls out his short sword/knife combo and attacks Sen Ages. Hoog may be a fierce fighter, but Sen is to quick for the goblin. He dodges Hoog’s initial attack and then ignites his lightsaber and stabs him thru the heart. Despite Denise’s warnings from behind the bar Augustus jumps up behind Aussie before he can get his Boomerang off and rips into the Boomerang Bros. The quick moving Augustus then leaps toward Sen Ages. Sen goes in for the kill but Augustus moves out of the way. The lightsaber swing removes 3 of the vampire’s fingers but it does not seem to slow him down in the least. Augustus grabs the Jedi’s wrist and begins squeezing, causing him to lose his grip on the weapon. Augustus then bites the neck of the disarmed Jedi Guardian to kill him. “NOOOOOO” Tim screams as he sees the death of his master. Tim lunges at Augustus but the vampire dodges his attack. The 2 opponents square off against one another. Augustus lets his rage and bloodlust take over while Tim attempts to use the force to calm his nerves just like his master Sen Ages has taught him. Tim stands back patiently waiting for Augustus Lamva’s attack and when he does Tim waits until the last second to move out of the way and kill Augustus with a head removing swing of his lightsaber.
THE SYRACUSE VALLEY IS VICTORIOUS!
The Abomitrons Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad
The Abomitrons are Hancock, Joe Levine, & Ratta the Hutt.
The Annihilation Squad is Mary Embery & Lurch.
Abomitron Head Coach Alfred Pennyworth & Assistant Coaches Steve Yzerman were a little disappointed with the show that #1 draft pick Hancock and team veteran Joe Levine put on after they had to much to drink at the end of the year party, so as a punishment they have been assigned with the task of baby-sitting Ratta the Hutt over Memorial Day weekend. After they packed up Ratta’s diaper bag with small toads and a baby bottle full of slime they decided that the best place to take this child was naturally the bar. The 3 of them grab 3 seats at the bar at George Murphy’s on 7 Mile and begin to drown their sorrows. Joe lights up a Marlboro Medium 72 or whatever weird junk they had on special at the smoke shop and orders an ice cold Miller Light Boomba (beer of the month). Hancock digs the size of the glass that the beer comes in, but he orders his boomba with Jack Daniels in it (it’s nice to be on a team with Bruce Wayne & Tony Stark, where everybody gets an expense account and little things like this can go unnoticed). The 2 Abomitrons “yuck it up” in the bar while Ratta sleeps in the chair next to them (actually Ratta is wide awake they are just ignoring him). The 2 Abomitrons then order another round right before Joe turns to Hancock and says “Dude, is it just me or is this the greatest bar team ever assembled? I mean with your powers and ability to consume mass quantities of liquor we’re basically unstoppable in this setting”. Hancock replies with: “yeah, we are pretty awesome, I think…..”. Hancock’s thought is then interrupted by Joe who says “Holy crap! Look at the fun bags on this chick”! He says this of course as Mary Embery walks into the bar. Hancock turns to look over at the woman who has Joe so excited and says “Oh crap! Dude I think my incredible level of awesomeness that you were just talking about is about to die down”. A confused Joe says “Don’t tell me that that chick is making you the second most powerful dude in this room”? “Actually” Hancock replies “with that chick walking into this room, I am now the second most powerful person sitting at this bar”. Hancock is of course referring to the fact that once he and his counterpart Mary Embery are within close proximity of one another that there powers of super-human strength, durability, and flight are all erased and that they are no better than average humans. Mary Embery has an even better understanding of what happens when she and Hancock are close to each other due to the fact that she has no loss of memory of their long tenure together and that she hasn’t consumed 44 ounces of Jack. Mary Embery tells Lurch to attack Hancock which he does. The lumbering member of the Adams Family rushes at Hancock knocking both Joe and Ratta out of their chairs. Lurch grabs a hold of Hancock and begins strangling him. The bigger Lurch has no problem choking the life out of the power depleted Hancock even with Joe struggling to get up and pull Lurch off of his teammate. Hancock dies which bums out Joe a lot, but what really gets him mad is when he goes to pick up Ratta off the floor and realizes that the poor little Hutt is dead after landing on his head from the fall. Joe may not have outwardly shown a ton of affection for “Stinky” but he had grown pretty attached to the little guy and definitely didn’t want him to get hurt. Joe grabs his almost empty boomba and jumps off his bar stool to crack Lurch in the head with it (how else would Joe reach Lurch’s head). The enraged Joe uses the cracked beer mug to finish Lurch off and then says: “what a waste of 3 ounces of beer to Lurch’s dead body. Joe then turns to see where Mary Embery ran off to but right as he turns his head he is hit head on by 7 Iron that Mary Embery took out of one of the other patrons’ golf bags. Joe falls to the ground where Mary Embery beats the life out of him.
XAVIER’S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!
The Annihilation Squad is Mary Embery & Lurch.
Abomitron Head Coach Alfred Pennyworth & Assistant Coaches Steve Yzerman were a little disappointed with the show that #1 draft pick Hancock and team veteran Joe Levine put on after they had to much to drink at the end of the year party, so as a punishment they have been assigned with the task of baby-sitting Ratta the Hutt over Memorial Day weekend. After they packed up Ratta’s diaper bag with small toads and a baby bottle full of slime they decided that the best place to take this child was naturally the bar. The 3 of them grab 3 seats at the bar at George Murphy’s on 7 Mile and begin to drown their sorrows. Joe lights up a Marlboro Medium 72 or whatever weird junk they had on special at the smoke shop and orders an ice cold Miller Light Boomba (beer of the month). Hancock digs the size of the glass that the beer comes in, but he orders his boomba with Jack Daniels in it (it’s nice to be on a team with Bruce Wayne & Tony Stark, where everybody gets an expense account and little things like this can go unnoticed). The 2 Abomitrons “yuck it up” in the bar while Ratta sleeps in the chair next to them (actually Ratta is wide awake they are just ignoring him). The 2 Abomitrons then order another round right before Joe turns to Hancock and says “Dude, is it just me or is this the greatest bar team ever assembled? I mean with your powers and ability to consume mass quantities of liquor we’re basically unstoppable in this setting”. Hancock replies with: “yeah, we are pretty awesome, I think…..”. Hancock’s thought is then interrupted by Joe who says “Holy crap! Look at the fun bags on this chick”! He says this of course as Mary Embery walks into the bar. Hancock turns to look over at the woman who has Joe so excited and says “Oh crap! Dude I think my incredible level of awesomeness that you were just talking about is about to die down”. A confused Joe says “Don’t tell me that that chick is making you the second most powerful dude in this room”? “Actually” Hancock replies “with that chick walking into this room, I am now the second most powerful person sitting at this bar”. Hancock is of course referring to the fact that once he and his counterpart Mary Embery are within close proximity of one another that there powers of super-human strength, durability, and flight are all erased and that they are no better than average humans. Mary Embery has an even better understanding of what happens when she and Hancock are close to each other due to the fact that she has no loss of memory of their long tenure together and that she hasn’t consumed 44 ounces of Jack. Mary Embery tells Lurch to attack Hancock which he does. The lumbering member of the Adams Family rushes at Hancock knocking both Joe and Ratta out of their chairs. Lurch grabs a hold of Hancock and begins strangling him. The bigger Lurch has no problem choking the life out of the power depleted Hancock even with Joe struggling to get up and pull Lurch off of his teammate. Hancock dies which bums out Joe a lot, but what really gets him mad is when he goes to pick up Ratta off the floor and realizes that the poor little Hutt is dead after landing on his head from the fall. Joe may not have outwardly shown a ton of affection for “Stinky” but he had grown pretty attached to the little guy and definitely didn’t want him to get hurt. Joe grabs his almost empty boomba and jumps off his bar stool to crack Lurch in the head with it (how else would Joe reach Lurch’s head). The enraged Joe uses the cracked beer mug to finish Lurch off and then says: “what a waste of 3 ounces of beer to Lurch’s dead body. Joe then turns to see where Mary Embery ran off to but right as he turns his head he is hit head on by 7 Iron that Mary Embery took out of one of the other patrons’ golf bags. Joe falls to the ground where Mary Embery beats the life out of him.
XAVIER’S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Right Wing vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 11 Match: The Right Wing vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies.
I have cleared the patrons from the Brewhaus located in Keego Harbor, Michigan so that the combatants may fight without distraction.
I transport The Right Wing to the bar. The Right Wing are Hulk, Scrappy-Doo and Ewok #74. I then transport Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies to the bar. The Murderflies are Lobo, Greedo, Ewok #5, Aunt May and Speedy Gonzalez.
Ewok #5 dispels with the battle and immediately jumps behind the bar. He reminds himself of the adage (in case he must fight later): “Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never sicker.” With that, Ewok #5 double fists a bottle of Tequila and Grey Goose Vodka. Aunt May approaches Ewok #5, meaning to confront the Ewok with a form of intervention.
Aunt May: You know #5, I believe you may have a drinking problem. I want to help.
Ewok #5 flips Aunt May the bird in defiance as he tosses the bottles currently in his paws away and grabs for bottles of Goldshlager and Dewars.
May: Listen #5, I want to help you.
Ewok #5: Oooneebeee! Ooogoocha! Beeeeeyaaaaaaccchhhhoooo! [Translation: Help this, b$@ch!].
Ewok #74 hears the confrontation between Ewok #5 and Aunt May. Ewok #74 slowly creeps behind the bar. He has heard enough from his Ewok brother. Not only has Ewok #5 embarrassed his team and insulted his teammate, but more importantly, he has disgraced his species. Ewok #74 finds a microphone stand near the bar and bashes Ewok #5 over the head. He then slides the mike holder off the stand and skewers Ewok #5. Ewok #5 is now an Ewok kabob. Ewok #5 slides down the pole, a bloody, alcoholic, (and dead) mess. At the shock of seeing this, Aunt May has a heart attack and dies.
Greedo is sitting at a table in the bar and finally wakes himself from a flashback of the Mos Eisley Cantina. He knows that this time “Greedo will shoot first!” He travels over to the bar and fires at Ewok #74, instantly killing the furry combatant. Greedo hears “Puppy Power” from behind. He notices Scrappy Doo jump from the top of the bar. The puppy barrels into Greedo and knocks him over. Scrappy Doo takes advantage of having the upper hand and begins to beat on Greedo. Greedo easily swipes Doo off of him. Before Scrappy can gain his footing, Greedo fires his blaster and scorches a hole through the pup. Scrappy Doo falls down, dead. Before he turns, Greedo is met by the right fist of the Hulk. The Hulk’s blow knocks Greedo into the wall. The Hulk then picks up a table and smashes Greedo into the wall further, encasing him in his own sarcophagus. Greedo suffocates and dies, a permanent fixture of the bar.
Speedy Gonzalez races around the Hulk’s feet. The mouse is too fast for the Hulk’s lumbering body. As the Hulk focuses on attempting to squash Speedy, he is struck by Lobo. The anti-hero biker and the Hulk fight with one another. Although the Hulk is stronger, he is more cumbersome in the small bar. Lobo’s agility and the fact that he is more adept in, and used to, the whole bar scene, plays to his advantage. Although the Hulk would probably dispel of Lobo in any other setting, Lobo manages to kill the Hulk in this instance. Lobo looks down at Gonzalez and smiles.
Gonzalez: Gran lucha mi amigo! Hemos expulsado butt! [Translation: Great fight my friend! We kicked butt!]
Right Wing: All dead.
Murderflies: Lobo and Speedy Gonzalez alive.
BROCK SAMPSON’S FIGHTING MURDERFLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!
I have cleared the patrons from the Brewhaus located in Keego Harbor, Michigan so that the combatants may fight without distraction.
I transport The Right Wing to the bar. The Right Wing are Hulk, Scrappy-Doo and Ewok #74. I then transport Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies to the bar. The Murderflies are Lobo, Greedo, Ewok #5, Aunt May and Speedy Gonzalez.
Ewok #5 dispels with the battle and immediately jumps behind the bar. He reminds himself of the adage (in case he must fight later): “Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never sicker.” With that, Ewok #5 double fists a bottle of Tequila and Grey Goose Vodka. Aunt May approaches Ewok #5, meaning to confront the Ewok with a form of intervention.
Aunt May: You know #5, I believe you may have a drinking problem. I want to help.
Ewok #5 flips Aunt May the bird in defiance as he tosses the bottles currently in his paws away and grabs for bottles of Goldshlager and Dewars.
May: Listen #5, I want to help you.
Ewok #5: Oooneebeee! Ooogoocha! Beeeeeyaaaaaaccchhhhoooo! [Translation: Help this, b$@ch!].
Ewok #74 hears the confrontation between Ewok #5 and Aunt May. Ewok #74 slowly creeps behind the bar. He has heard enough from his Ewok brother. Not only has Ewok #5 embarrassed his team and insulted his teammate, but more importantly, he has disgraced his species. Ewok #74 finds a microphone stand near the bar and bashes Ewok #5 over the head. He then slides the mike holder off the stand and skewers Ewok #5. Ewok #5 is now an Ewok kabob. Ewok #5 slides down the pole, a bloody, alcoholic, (and dead) mess. At the shock of seeing this, Aunt May has a heart attack and dies.
Greedo is sitting at a table in the bar and finally wakes himself from a flashback of the Mos Eisley Cantina. He knows that this time “Greedo will shoot first!” He travels over to the bar and fires at Ewok #74, instantly killing the furry combatant. Greedo hears “Puppy Power” from behind. He notices Scrappy Doo jump from the top of the bar. The puppy barrels into Greedo and knocks him over. Scrappy Doo takes advantage of having the upper hand and begins to beat on Greedo. Greedo easily swipes Doo off of him. Before Scrappy can gain his footing, Greedo fires his blaster and scorches a hole through the pup. Scrappy Doo falls down, dead. Before he turns, Greedo is met by the right fist of the Hulk. The Hulk’s blow knocks Greedo into the wall. The Hulk then picks up a table and smashes Greedo into the wall further, encasing him in his own sarcophagus. Greedo suffocates and dies, a permanent fixture of the bar.
Speedy Gonzalez races around the Hulk’s feet. The mouse is too fast for the Hulk’s lumbering body. As the Hulk focuses on attempting to squash Speedy, he is struck by Lobo. The anti-hero biker and the Hulk fight with one another. Although the Hulk is stronger, he is more cumbersome in the small bar. Lobo’s agility and the fact that he is more adept in, and used to, the whole bar scene, plays to his advantage. Although the Hulk would probably dispel of Lobo in any other setting, Lobo manages to kill the Hulk in this instance. Lobo looks down at Gonzalez and smiles.
Gonzalez: Gran lucha mi amigo! Hemos expulsado butt! [Translation: Great fight my friend! We kicked butt!]
Right Wing: All dead.
Murderflies: Lobo and Speedy Gonzalez alive.
BROCK SAMPSON’S FIGHTING MURDERFLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
George Washington's Slaves vs Better Than All of You
George Washington’s Slaves are Sgt. Slaughter, Mercer, Taurus, & Red Dog.
Better Than All of You is Snake Eyes and Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac The Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazey P. Martini.
Gwar comes busting wildly into Sandy’s By The Beech in Redford, Michigan, which The Renegades don’t take too kindly to. They stomp in there and start throwing their weight around, knocking down patrons. Sgt. Slaughter stands up and says to Oderus Urungus “At ease, disease. Welcome to Sandy’s.” Oderus then starts to piss all over the Sarge, which he receives a face full of fist for. Sgt. Slaughter then finishes off the leader of Gwar by grabbing a knife from the chef and jamming it into his throat. This causes Gwar to charge the rest of the Renegades, but if you’ve ever been at Sandy’s, you would know that there’s no way Gwar would be able to move around in their costumes inside the small bar. This allows the Renegades to quickly gain the upper hand on the metal band. Mercer takes out Sleazy P. Martini and Flattus Maximus as Red Dog kills Beefcake the Mighty. Balsac The Jaws of Death tries to break a chair over Taurus’s head, but he just laughs it off as he shoots Balsac away. Slymenstra Hymen then makes a really stupid mistake; she bumps into Colleen while she has a tray full of beers in her hands. See, even though there is an all out brawl going on, people are still ordering. Colleen grabs a broken bottle and grinds it into Slymenstra’s throat, causing blood to spurt and spray everywhere. “Goddamn annoying b!#%$,” Colleen says as she walks back to the bar to get more drinks. Sgt. Slaughter then wraps Jizmack da Gusha in a headlock and pulls back hard until he hears the pop of his vertebrae. The three Renegades then make quick work of The Sexecutioner. They then go to sit back down at their table, but Red Dog stops moving and then falls to the ground with a throwing star in the back of his neck. Before Taurus and Mercer can turn around and react, they both are shot several times in the chest. “Snake Eyes. I never thought I’d have to take you down,” says Sgt. Slaughter as he sees the last member of Better Than All of You, who was hiding and waiting. Snake Eyes then says… nothing. (Come on, you didn’t actually think I’d have Snake Eyes talk? The only thing more ridiculous than that would be for Superman to randomly show up and win a match for a team he’s not even on. And that would never happen. Right?) Sgt. Slaughter tackles Snake Eyes through the round table closest to the exit. Snake Eyes then leaps back to his feet and dropkicks the Sarge over the bar. As Snake Eyes jumps over the bar after him, Sgt. Slaughter grabs a hold of the ninja and slams him into the back of the bar where all the bottles are. He then brings his fists up into a double axe handle and starts slamming them down onto Snake Eyes chest. The ninja is then able to stick a knife into the Sarge’s leg, which allows him to roll back to his feet and then drive his katana blade into Sgt. Slaughter’s chest, finally finishing this fight.
BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU ARE VICTORIOUS!
Better Than All of You is Snake Eyes and Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac The Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazey P. Martini.
Gwar comes busting wildly into Sandy’s By The Beech in Redford, Michigan, which The Renegades don’t take too kindly to. They stomp in there and start throwing their weight around, knocking down patrons. Sgt. Slaughter stands up and says to Oderus Urungus “At ease, disease. Welcome to Sandy’s.” Oderus then starts to piss all over the Sarge, which he receives a face full of fist for. Sgt. Slaughter then finishes off the leader of Gwar by grabbing a knife from the chef and jamming it into his throat. This causes Gwar to charge the rest of the Renegades, but if you’ve ever been at Sandy’s, you would know that there’s no way Gwar would be able to move around in their costumes inside the small bar. This allows the Renegades to quickly gain the upper hand on the metal band. Mercer takes out Sleazy P. Martini and Flattus Maximus as Red Dog kills Beefcake the Mighty. Balsac The Jaws of Death tries to break a chair over Taurus’s head, but he just laughs it off as he shoots Balsac away. Slymenstra Hymen then makes a really stupid mistake; she bumps into Colleen while she has a tray full of beers in her hands. See, even though there is an all out brawl going on, people are still ordering. Colleen grabs a broken bottle and grinds it into Slymenstra’s throat, causing blood to spurt and spray everywhere. “Goddamn annoying b!#%$,” Colleen says as she walks back to the bar to get more drinks. Sgt. Slaughter then wraps Jizmack da Gusha in a headlock and pulls back hard until he hears the pop of his vertebrae. The three Renegades then make quick work of The Sexecutioner. They then go to sit back down at their table, but Red Dog stops moving and then falls to the ground with a throwing star in the back of his neck. Before Taurus and Mercer can turn around and react, they both are shot several times in the chest. “Snake Eyes. I never thought I’d have to take you down,” says Sgt. Slaughter as he sees the last member of Better Than All of You, who was hiding and waiting. Snake Eyes then says… nothing. (Come on, you didn’t actually think I’d have Snake Eyes talk? The only thing more ridiculous than that would be for Superman to randomly show up and win a match for a team he’s not even on. And that would never happen. Right?) Sgt. Slaughter tackles Snake Eyes through the round table closest to the exit. Snake Eyes then leaps back to his feet and dropkicks the Sarge over the bar. As Snake Eyes jumps over the bar after him, Sgt. Slaughter grabs a hold of the ninja and slams him into the back of the bar where all the bottles are. He then brings his fists up into a double axe handle and starts slamming them down onto Snake Eyes chest. The ninja is then able to stick a knife into the Sarge’s leg, which allows him to roll back to his feet and then drive his katana blade into Sgt. Slaughter’s chest, finally finishing this fight.
BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU ARE VICTORIOUS!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is Darth Yardigan & Usagi Yojimbo.
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are Wolverine & War Skrull #4.
The Brotherhood members arrive at Mulligan’s Irish Pub on Newman Street in East Tawas, Michigan. The aroma of fried pickles fill the air as Usagi Yojimbo walks into the bar, followed closely behind by Darth Yardigan. “Let’s find these Backyardigans and end this quickly. I want revenge for them trading me as if I was unworthy of their ranks,” says the Sith Lord. “Patience, Yardigan. Besides, now you’re with us and you’re N.L.” replies Usagi. They quickly see Logan sitting at the bar out of his costume, smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. “Bubs, if I were you, I’d turn around and get out of here, cause you’d don’t want any of what I got,” Wolverine gruffly says to his opponents. Darth Yardigan ignites his lightsaber and takes a step towards Logan. War Skrull #4, who now has the combined powers of Doomsday and Wolverine, pops out of his seat and kicks Darth Yardigan back into the wall. Usagi Yojimbo leaps up on top of the bar and runs at Wolverine and with one quick swipe of his sword he cuts Logan’s cigar in half. “Oh Bugs, that was a stupid thing to do,” Wolverine says to Usagi. Snikt! Wolverine pops his claws and swipes at the samurai rabbit’s legs, but Usagi hops out of the way. He does a back flip off of the bar top and drives his sword deep into Wolverine’s back. Wolverine spins around, which forces Usagi to release his grip on his sword. Logan then lops Usagi’s head off with his adamantium claws. He lets out a sigh and says “Man, I liked you Bugs, I really didn’t want to do that.” He then pulls the sword out of his back, sits back down and orders another beer, only to find that the bartender is nowhere to be found. Logan climbs over the bar and helps himself to another beer. He then looks up and sees that Darth Yardigan is back on his feet and has just Force pushed War Skrull #4 into the juke box. The War Skrull regains his footing and lunges at Darth Yardigan with claws extended, but the Sith Lord gracefully flips over him, lightsaber drawn and cuts him right in half. As Yardigan lands, Wolverine takes a drink from his beer and without even turning his head says, “Nicely done, bub. Want a beer before we finish this?” “No, I want your blood on my hands now,” says Darth Yardigan. Logan pops one of his claws and draws it across his forearm. He then flicks some blood at Yardigan and says, “There. Now, it’s on ya. Gonna sit with me now?” Darth Yardigan gets enraged and rushes towards the mutant. Logan lets out another sigh and in one quick move, leaps off of his bar stool and smashes it in Yardigan’s face, which causes him to stumble back. Wolverine lunges at him and drives his claws deep into Darth Yardigan’s chest. He then picks up Yardigan’s lightsaber, ignites it and lights what’s left of his cigar with it. Wolverine then goes back behind the bar and grabs another beer. Just then a group of obnoxious twenty-somethings walk into Mulligan’s shouting “We run this! We run this!” Wolverine sighs yet again and says “So much for a nice quiet night.”
BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGANS BEEYAATCHES ARE VICORIOUS!
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are Wolverine & War Skrull #4.
The Brotherhood members arrive at Mulligan’s Irish Pub on Newman Street in East Tawas, Michigan. The aroma of fried pickles fill the air as Usagi Yojimbo walks into the bar, followed closely behind by Darth Yardigan. “Let’s find these Backyardigans and end this quickly. I want revenge for them trading me as if I was unworthy of their ranks,” says the Sith Lord. “Patience, Yardigan. Besides, now you’re with us and you’re N.L.” replies Usagi. They quickly see Logan sitting at the bar out of his costume, smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. “Bubs, if I were you, I’d turn around and get out of here, cause you’d don’t want any of what I got,” Wolverine gruffly says to his opponents. Darth Yardigan ignites his lightsaber and takes a step towards Logan. War Skrull #4, who now has the combined powers of Doomsday and Wolverine, pops out of his seat and kicks Darth Yardigan back into the wall. Usagi Yojimbo leaps up on top of the bar and runs at Wolverine and with one quick swipe of his sword he cuts Logan’s cigar in half. “Oh Bugs, that was a stupid thing to do,” Wolverine says to Usagi. Snikt! Wolverine pops his claws and swipes at the samurai rabbit’s legs, but Usagi hops out of the way. He does a back flip off of the bar top and drives his sword deep into Wolverine’s back. Wolverine spins around, which forces Usagi to release his grip on his sword. Logan then lops Usagi’s head off with his adamantium claws. He lets out a sigh and says “Man, I liked you Bugs, I really didn’t want to do that.” He then pulls the sword out of his back, sits back down and orders another beer, only to find that the bartender is nowhere to be found. Logan climbs over the bar and helps himself to another beer. He then looks up and sees that Darth Yardigan is back on his feet and has just Force pushed War Skrull #4 into the juke box. The War Skrull regains his footing and lunges at Darth Yardigan with claws extended, but the Sith Lord gracefully flips over him, lightsaber drawn and cuts him right in half. As Yardigan lands, Wolverine takes a drink from his beer and without even turning his head says, “Nicely done, bub. Want a beer before we finish this?” “No, I want your blood on my hands now,” says Darth Yardigan. Logan pops one of his claws and draws it across his forearm. He then flicks some blood at Yardigan and says, “There. Now, it’s on ya. Gonna sit with me now?” Darth Yardigan gets enraged and rushes towards the mutant. Logan lets out another sigh and in one quick move, leaps off of his bar stool and smashes it in Yardigan’s face, which causes him to stumble back. Wolverine lunges at him and drives his claws deep into Darth Yardigan’s chest. He then picks up Yardigan’s lightsaber, ignites it and lights what’s left of his cigar with it. Wolverine then goes back behind the bar and grabs another beer. Just then a group of obnoxious twenty-somethings walk into Mulligan’s shouting “We run this! We run this!” Wolverine sighs yet again and says “So much for a nice quiet night.”
BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGANS BEEYAATCHES ARE VICORIOUS!
The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Team Sleeping Pussy
I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 11 Match: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Team Sleeping Pussy.
I have located a bar with the name of “Flight Club.” Before transporting the teams to the location, I bring a black light into the establishment. Due to the tremendous amount of bodily fluid remnants, I am unable to establish locker rooms for this particular match. Notwithstanding, I see the rosters of the teams. The Horsemen are Sabertooth, Charlton Heston and The Kings of Crunk: Josh Houslander and Chris Artrip. Team Sleeping Pussy is Frances "Franco" Begbie, Mr. Joshua, William "Bill the Butcher" Cutting, Dirty Harry Calahan and Biff Tannen.
I transport the teams to the main floor of Flight Club. The Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” blares on the speakers. I announce: “And now for your entertainment – let’s give a rousing cheer to both Candy and Blaire!!!”
Candy and Blaire come out of the dressing room and begin to dance on the stage (and its pole). The Kings of Crunk: Josh Houslander and Chris Artrip are immediately distracted and locate a booth in the back. They believe the booth will allow them the opportunity to enjoy the show without anyone actually noticing them. While the two are enjoying the female duo they are confronted by Charlton Heston.
Heston: You damn, dirty Kings of Crunk! This is a match for g@ddamn sake! Get up and get fighting!
Artrip and Houslander decide that they can fight and still enjoy Candy’s and Blaire’s tassels at the same time. Before entering the formal battle, Houslander rushes to the stage area and places a dollar bill in a strategic area. Candy kisses him and says: “For luck. . .”
Mr. Joshua is seen in the executive area watching Trixie and snorting a white powder. He screams in exhilaration and commences looking for a Horsemen victim. He is joined by William “Bill the Butcher” Cutting, with knives in both hands. The two approach Heston, who has left the Crunk duo, deciding the two are too easily distracted at the moment. The NRA-card-toting Heston pulls out a gun and fires at Mr. Joshua. Being completely obliterated, Joshua takes seven bullets before falling down and dying. Bill the Butcher, utilizes his skills and throws both knives at Heston before he is able to fire another shot from his gun. The knives pierce Heston’s eyes and throat. Heston falls dead. Bill the Butcher then locates the Kings of Crunk. The Butcher decides that they will be easy prey since they are still too distracted at the show going on (and the fact that Houslander is whining for Artrip to give him more dollar bills). Bill approaches the two, pulling out additional knives. Sabertooth pounces on the scene.
Sabertooth: No match for my knives, Butcher.
Sabertooth slashes Bill’s arms, causing the Butcher to drop his weapons. He is bleeding profusely and falls to the ground.
Sabertooth (looking at Houslander and Artrip): All yours boys. . .
Houslander and Artrip decide to begin and fight. They smash the glasses left on the tables and turn them into weapons. The duo then repeatedly stabs him. Bill the Butcher dies. Sabertooth looks for more meaningful prey.
Artrip and Houslander are then met by Frances “Frank” Begbie and Biff Tannen. Houslander, having just come from a fresh kill (and from a back hair waxing only days before), is revved up. He tears off his shirt. One of the dancers sees Houslander, rushes over to him and pours a greasy spray, often utilized by the women of the Club, over his body. Biff Tannen attempts to tackle Houslander, who without hair and all greased up, easily escapes. Houslander then smashes Tannen over the head with a chair, crushing his skull. Artrip, not wanting to be overshadowed by his brother-in-law, tears off his shirt too. Begbie, unfazed, begins to pummel Artrip. Thinking about his newborn, Ella, gives Artrip the strength to take on Begbie. Artrip eventually wins the fight and kills Begbie. Houslander and Artrip hug each other. Due to Houslander’s body spray, the men are now all greased up. The women dancers marvel at the sight of the near-Adonis duo.
Dirty Harry Calahan: Isn’t this a touching moment.
The Crunks look for weapons around them. They see broken bottles and a knife.
Calahan: Uh, uh, I know what you’re thinking.
Houslander: What?
Calahan: Are there six more women to dance today, or only five. . .
Artrip lunges for the knife. Calahan fires and hits him in the leg. Calahan then fires at Houslander, who slips because of all the grease on his body. Houslander is struck in the shoulder. The two Kings of Crunk are ready to die. As Calahan is about to fire he screams. Calahan looks down at his disemboweled body. Sabertooth, at the scene, smiles.
Sabertooth (looking down at a mortally wounded Calahan): I needed to make sure that my teammates and I were going to find out whether there were five or six dancers left to be seen. . . .
Five dancers later. . .
Houslander: I guess it was five dancers left.
Houslander, Artrip and Sabertooth enjoy some “pop” and special company for the remainder of the day.
Horsemen: Houslander, Artrip and Sabertooth alive.
SP: All dead.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!
I have located a bar with the name of “Flight Club.” Before transporting the teams to the location, I bring a black light into the establishment. Due to the tremendous amount of bodily fluid remnants, I am unable to establish locker rooms for this particular match. Notwithstanding, I see the rosters of the teams. The Horsemen are Sabertooth, Charlton Heston and The Kings of Crunk: Josh Houslander and Chris Artrip. Team Sleeping Pussy is Frances "Franco" Begbie, Mr. Joshua, William "Bill the Butcher" Cutting, Dirty Harry Calahan and Biff Tannen.
I transport the teams to the main floor of Flight Club. The Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” blares on the speakers. I announce: “And now for your entertainment – let’s give a rousing cheer to both Candy and Blaire!!!”
Candy and Blaire come out of the dressing room and begin to dance on the stage (and its pole). The Kings of Crunk: Josh Houslander and Chris Artrip are immediately distracted and locate a booth in the back. They believe the booth will allow them the opportunity to enjoy the show without anyone actually noticing them. While the two are enjoying the female duo they are confronted by Charlton Heston.
Heston: You damn, dirty Kings of Crunk! This is a match for g@ddamn sake! Get up and get fighting!
Artrip and Houslander decide that they can fight and still enjoy Candy’s and Blaire’s tassels at the same time. Before entering the formal battle, Houslander rushes to the stage area and places a dollar bill in a strategic area. Candy kisses him and says: “For luck. . .”
Mr. Joshua is seen in the executive area watching Trixie and snorting a white powder. He screams in exhilaration and commences looking for a Horsemen victim. He is joined by William “Bill the Butcher” Cutting, with knives in both hands. The two approach Heston, who has left the Crunk duo, deciding the two are too easily distracted at the moment. The NRA-card-toting Heston pulls out a gun and fires at Mr. Joshua. Being completely obliterated, Joshua takes seven bullets before falling down and dying. Bill the Butcher, utilizes his skills and throws both knives at Heston before he is able to fire another shot from his gun. The knives pierce Heston’s eyes and throat. Heston falls dead. Bill the Butcher then locates the Kings of Crunk. The Butcher decides that they will be easy prey since they are still too distracted at the show going on (and the fact that Houslander is whining for Artrip to give him more dollar bills). Bill approaches the two, pulling out additional knives. Sabertooth pounces on the scene.
Sabertooth: No match for my knives, Butcher.
Sabertooth slashes Bill’s arms, causing the Butcher to drop his weapons. He is bleeding profusely and falls to the ground.
Sabertooth (looking at Houslander and Artrip): All yours boys. . .
Houslander and Artrip decide to begin and fight. They smash the glasses left on the tables and turn them into weapons. The duo then repeatedly stabs him. Bill the Butcher dies. Sabertooth looks for more meaningful prey.
Artrip and Houslander are then met by Frances “Frank” Begbie and Biff Tannen. Houslander, having just come from a fresh kill (and from a back hair waxing only days before), is revved up. He tears off his shirt. One of the dancers sees Houslander, rushes over to him and pours a greasy spray, often utilized by the women of the Club, over his body. Biff Tannen attempts to tackle Houslander, who without hair and all greased up, easily escapes. Houslander then smashes Tannen over the head with a chair, crushing his skull. Artrip, not wanting to be overshadowed by his brother-in-law, tears off his shirt too. Begbie, unfazed, begins to pummel Artrip. Thinking about his newborn, Ella, gives Artrip the strength to take on Begbie. Artrip eventually wins the fight and kills Begbie. Houslander and Artrip hug each other. Due to Houslander’s body spray, the men are now all greased up. The women dancers marvel at the sight of the near-Adonis duo.
Dirty Harry Calahan: Isn’t this a touching moment.
The Crunks look for weapons around them. They see broken bottles and a knife.
Calahan: Uh, uh, I know what you’re thinking.
Houslander: What?
Calahan: Are there six more women to dance today, or only five. . .
Artrip lunges for the knife. Calahan fires and hits him in the leg. Calahan then fires at Houslander, who slips because of all the grease on his body. Houslander is struck in the shoulder. The two Kings of Crunk are ready to die. As Calahan is about to fire he screams. Calahan looks down at his disemboweled body. Sabertooth, at the scene, smiles.
Sabertooth (looking down at a mortally wounded Calahan): I needed to make sure that my teammates and I were going to find out whether there were five or six dancers left to be seen. . . .
Five dancers later. . .
Houslander: I guess it was five dancers left.
Houslander, Artrip and Sabertooth enjoy some “pop” and special company for the remainder of the day.
Horsemen: Houslander, Artrip and Sabertooth alive.
SP: All dead.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Week 11: Death Match
Points: 55
Setting: Bar
Prize: Pod Racer
-Built Ford Tough Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve
-Better Than All of You Vs. George Washington's Slaves
-The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy
-Pop-Superstar Hannah Montan & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring
Battalion of Commandos Vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade
-The Right Wing Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
-Alice's Wonder Team Vs. The Syracuse Valley
-The Abomitrons Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad
-The Untouchables Vs. TEAM
-The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches
Setting: Bar
Prize: Pod Racer
-Built Ford Tough Vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve
-Better Than All of You Vs. George Washington's Slaves
-The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy
-Pop-Superstar Hannah Montan & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring
Battalion of Commandos Vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade
-The Right Wing Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
-Alice's Wonder Team Vs. The Syracuse Valley
-The Abomitrons Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad
-The Untouchables Vs. TEAM
-The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches
Better Than All of You vs The Syracuse Valley
Better Than All of You is Cobra Viper #1-6, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Terry Funk, The Four Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, & Tully Blanchard, Rob Van Dam & Sabu, Loki & Bartleby, Lonestar & Barf, & Dozer #4.
The Syracuse Valley is Movie Megatron, Movie Starscream, Darth Rave & Darth Techno, & Raiden w/ Kid Thunder.
Movie Megatron and Movie Starscream come flying into the battle and blast away almost all of the members of Better Than All of You in just one pass. The only members left standing after the attack are Ric Flair, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Rob Van Dam, Loki, Bartleby and Cobra Viper #4. Raiden and Kid Thunder then teleport themselves behind what’s left of Better Than All of You and electrocute Cobra Viper #4 and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Loki and Bartleby then fly into action and double team Kid Thunder. Loki pulls out his heavenly sword and decapitates Kid Thunder. Raiden loses control at the sight of his sidekick’s death and unleashes all of his power upon Loki and Bartleby, killing all three of them in the process. Flair and RVD then find themselves squaring off against Darth Rave and Darth Techno. The two wrestlers try their best but ultimately are simple no match for the two Sith Lords, as they are sliced into ribbons by their lightsabers.
THE SYRACUSE VALLEY IS VICTORIOUS!
The Syracuse Valley is Movie Megatron, Movie Starscream, Darth Rave & Darth Techno, & Raiden w/ Kid Thunder.
Movie Megatron and Movie Starscream come flying into the battle and blast away almost all of the members of Better Than All of You in just one pass. The only members left standing after the attack are Ric Flair, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Rob Van Dam, Loki, Bartleby and Cobra Viper #4. Raiden and Kid Thunder then teleport themselves behind what’s left of Better Than All of You and electrocute Cobra Viper #4 and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Loki and Bartleby then fly into action and double team Kid Thunder. Loki pulls out his heavenly sword and decapitates Kid Thunder. Raiden loses control at the sight of his sidekick’s death and unleashes all of his power upon Loki and Bartleby, killing all three of them in the process. Flair and RVD then find themselves squaring off against Darth Rave and Darth Techno. The two wrestlers try their best but ultimately are simple no match for the two Sith Lords, as they are sliced into ribbons by their lightsabers.
THE SYRACUSE VALLEY IS VICTORIOUS!
Built Ford Tough vs Alice's Wonder Team
Built Ford Tough is USAgent, Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones, Han Solo, Moltar, Diego, Cowboy Curtis, and Sardaukar #1-6.
Alice’s Wonder Team is Vampire #1-8.
Built Ford Tough is teleported to the hot sands of the Jundland Waste, where they are met by… no one. “What the hell is going on? We’re not early are we?” asks USAgent. “That’s impossible. We’re Built Ford Tough,” responds Han Solo. Just then Vampire #1 leaps out from beneath the sand and bites the neck of Cowboy Curtis, killing him. He then lunges at Diego, but instead gets a mouthful of USAgent’s shield. Indiana Jones then comes over and finishes off the Undead by pouring his canteen on Vampire #1’s face, washing off the sunscreen he was wearing, which had an SPF of 1,000,000,000 (which we all know by its more traditional name of Mustard). “How did you know that he was wearing sunscreen?” asks USAgent. “Well why you were giving him taste of your shield, I noticed that we were actually standing on the remains of Vampires #2-8,” says Indiana Jones. “But how did they die before the match even started?” asks Harrison Ford. “Tattooine has two suns. Vampire #1 must have been the only one smart enough to put sunscreen on before the match,” Indiana says to his team. “Good, I was worried that I was going to miss the CHiPs marathon on TV Land,” says Moltar.
BUILT FORD TOUGH IS VICTORIOUS!
Alice’s Wonder Team is Vampire #1-8.
Built Ford Tough is teleported to the hot sands of the Jundland Waste, where they are met by… no one. “What the hell is going on? We’re not early are we?” asks USAgent. “That’s impossible. We’re Built Ford Tough,” responds Han Solo. Just then Vampire #1 leaps out from beneath the sand and bites the neck of Cowboy Curtis, killing him. He then lunges at Diego, but instead gets a mouthful of USAgent’s shield. Indiana Jones then comes over and finishes off the Undead by pouring his canteen on Vampire #1’s face, washing off the sunscreen he was wearing, which had an SPF of 1,000,000,000 (which we all know by its more traditional name of Mustard). “How did you know that he was wearing sunscreen?” asks USAgent. “Well why you were giving him taste of your shield, I noticed that we were actually standing on the remains of Vampires #2-8,” says Indiana Jones. “But how did they die before the match even started?” asks Harrison Ford. “Tattooine has two suns. Vampire #1 must have been the only one smart enough to put sunscreen on before the match,” Indiana says to his team. “Good, I was worried that I was going to miss the CHiPs marathon on TV Land,” says Moltar.
BUILT FORD TOUGH IS VICTORIOUS!
Xavier's Annihilation Squad vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve
I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 10 Match: Xavier's Annihilation Squad vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve.
I look into the locker room of The Annihilation Squad and find Imotep, The Scorpion King, Sandman, Darth Voltress, Darth Ocron and Kevin (from Sin City).
Scorpion King: This match is ours!!! We ARE the desert team of the FFL!
A mute Kevin sits in the corner and smiles to himself.
I look into the locker room of Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve and see Anakin Skywalker, Fremen #1-6, (movie) Scorponok and Shao Kahn.
Skywalker: Remember, the Squad has an excellent desert team. Be ready for anything!
Fremen #2: If we can survive in the Dunes of Arrakis, we can fight in sands of the Jundlands!
I transport the teams to the battlefield. . .
As the match begins, Imotep brings forth a storm from the Jundland Waste’s sands. Imotep’s sandstorm engulfs the Kennelz team. The Kennelz are temporarily taken off guard, but not for long. Anakin Skywalker uses the Force to shield himself from the elements. Fremen #1-6 are used to the storms of Arrakis and manage to fight their way through the blinding fury of Imotep. Scorponok uses its sensors to glide through the storm. Shao Kahn himself manages to wade through the sands. The Kennelz notice that although they are squarely in the Squad’s territory, the Squad itself is not there.
Scorponok attempts to locate the squad. The Transformer is too late to warn Shao Kahn as two arrows soar through the sky and hit Shao Kahn. The Kombat Emperor screams. He notices that the Scorpion King is notching another arrow in his bow. Before Kahn is able to focus his magic on the Scorpion King, Sandman bursts from the ground and twists around Kahn. The sand around the combatants begins to swallow Sandman and Kahn. Kevin sees that Kahn is having “issues” with Sandman’s abilities and rushes at Kahn. Kevin, a knife in each hand, repeatedly stabs Kahn. The combination of Kevin’s stabbing and drowning in Sandman’s sand is too much for the warrior. Kahn eventually succumbs to his fate and dies. A mute Kevin smiles at the death of Kahn. His scary happiness does not last long as he is surrounded by Fremen #1-6. Although Kevin manages to kill Fremen #2 and 4, he is killed by the remaining Fremen.
Darth Ocron and Darth Voltress come upon the scene with ignited lightsabers. It does not take long for the Sith Lords to destroy remaining Fremen #1, 3, 5-6. After the Fremen carnage is finished they are confronted by Anakin Skywalker. The Sith utilize their strengths against the young Jedi. Skywalker is wounded in his right shoulder and left leg. Nonetheless, although wounded, Skywalker’s mid-chloridian count is much more substantial than the other two, and utilizes his Force ability, destroys the lesser Sith - Ocron. Voltress escapes in a cloud of sand.
In a weakened condition, Skywalker is met by Imotep, Sandman and the Scorpion King. Skywalker kills the Scorpion King, but eventually suffocates due to the sand being forced down his throat by both Sandman and Imotep.
Scorponok faces Imotep, Sandman and Darth Voltress. Voltress lunges on Scorponok and begins to use her lightsaber against the various parts of the Transformer. Voltress manages to damage Scorponok. Scorponok fires upon Sandman. The lasers rip through Sandman, who reformulates his body into a solid block of sand. Using both arms, Sandman’s “sandblocks” pound on Scorponok. The Transformer takes on additional damage. Before Imotep can utilize his powers Scorponok destroys the Mummy warrior. Scorponok takes damage repeatedly by the Sith and Spidey villain. At the end of the match Scorponok is destroyed beyond recognition and Voltress is lying in the sand with a hole through the Sith’s torso.
Squad: Sandman alive.
Kennelz: All dead.
THE ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!!!!
I look into the locker room of The Annihilation Squad and find Imotep, The Scorpion King, Sandman, Darth Voltress, Darth Ocron and Kevin (from Sin City).
Scorpion King: This match is ours!!! We ARE the desert team of the FFL!
A mute Kevin sits in the corner and smiles to himself.
I look into the locker room of Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve and see Anakin Skywalker, Fremen #1-6, (movie) Scorponok and Shao Kahn.
Skywalker: Remember, the Squad has an excellent desert team. Be ready for anything!
Fremen #2: If we can survive in the Dunes of Arrakis, we can fight in sands of the Jundlands!
I transport the teams to the battlefield. . .
As the match begins, Imotep brings forth a storm from the Jundland Waste’s sands. Imotep’s sandstorm engulfs the Kennelz team. The Kennelz are temporarily taken off guard, but not for long. Anakin Skywalker uses the Force to shield himself from the elements. Fremen #1-6 are used to the storms of Arrakis and manage to fight their way through the blinding fury of Imotep. Scorponok uses its sensors to glide through the storm. Shao Kahn himself manages to wade through the sands. The Kennelz notice that although they are squarely in the Squad’s territory, the Squad itself is not there.
Scorponok attempts to locate the squad. The Transformer is too late to warn Shao Kahn as two arrows soar through the sky and hit Shao Kahn. The Kombat Emperor screams. He notices that the Scorpion King is notching another arrow in his bow. Before Kahn is able to focus his magic on the Scorpion King, Sandman bursts from the ground and twists around Kahn. The sand around the combatants begins to swallow Sandman and Kahn. Kevin sees that Kahn is having “issues” with Sandman’s abilities and rushes at Kahn. Kevin, a knife in each hand, repeatedly stabs Kahn. The combination of Kevin’s stabbing and drowning in Sandman’s sand is too much for the warrior. Kahn eventually succumbs to his fate and dies. A mute Kevin smiles at the death of Kahn. His scary happiness does not last long as he is surrounded by Fremen #1-6. Although Kevin manages to kill Fremen #2 and 4, he is killed by the remaining Fremen.
Darth Ocron and Darth Voltress come upon the scene with ignited lightsabers. It does not take long for the Sith Lords to destroy remaining Fremen #1, 3, 5-6. After the Fremen carnage is finished they are confronted by Anakin Skywalker. The Sith utilize their strengths against the young Jedi. Skywalker is wounded in his right shoulder and left leg. Nonetheless, although wounded, Skywalker’s mid-chloridian count is much more substantial than the other two, and utilizes his Force ability, destroys the lesser Sith - Ocron. Voltress escapes in a cloud of sand.
In a weakened condition, Skywalker is met by Imotep, Sandman and the Scorpion King. Skywalker kills the Scorpion King, but eventually suffocates due to the sand being forced down his throat by both Sandman and Imotep.
Scorponok faces Imotep, Sandman and Darth Voltress. Voltress lunges on Scorponok and begins to use her lightsaber against the various parts of the Transformer. Voltress manages to damage Scorponok. Scorponok fires upon Sandman. The lasers rip through Sandman, who reformulates his body into a solid block of sand. Using both arms, Sandman’s “sandblocks” pound on Scorponok. The Transformer takes on additional damage. Before Imotep can utilize his powers Scorponok destroys the Mummy warrior. Scorponok takes damage repeatedly by the Sith and Spidey villain. At the end of the match Scorponok is destroyed beyond recognition and Voltress is lying in the sand with a hole through the Sith’s torso.
Squad: Sandman alive.
Kennelz: All dead.
THE ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!!!!
George Washington's Slaves Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
The Murderflies are Sandworm #1-6.
The Slaves are Sandworm #15-20
I Dumir, Fremen of the Sietch Lagir will now tell the story that I personally witnessed from atop the rocky outcroppings of the sandy landscape that I call home. The Maker is a territorial beast; ruling miles of Dune’s landscape, is a feat accomplished even by the smaller worms, but I alone was gifted with the opportunity to witness 12 makers compete in battle as if they were mere humans. All creatures of the desert, including us Fremen do not recognize leadership without combat. Here on Dune we value real power as the means to lead, not like the water fat off-worlders that you may find in Arrakeen with their white colored eyes peddling their garbage and selling drops of water to anyone weak enough to require it. They refer to our planet as Arrakis and no nothing of our ways with their gray colored plastic stillsuits, wasting the body’s water into the air as if they can spare such a resource. It could be better utilized by a worthy sietch to grow our boys into strong men for the coming battles. Let them believe that their imperium is ruled by their puppet emperor, for my people know that no man rules over Shai Halud. As I stand on the rocks, I use no thumper to call upon Shai Halud, I was simply sitting studying my Orange Catholic Bible and thinking over the prana bindu exercises taught to me by my sietch’s Reverend mother. I watch as the 12 worms crash into the air simultaneously creating a dust storm that must have been felt by Fremen miles away. The cinnamonny smell of mélange pleases my nostrils as the orange dust fills the sky. Shai Halud was very angry indeed to call these massive beasts into such a holy melee as they use their crysnife lined mouths to attack one another for the honor of ruling the land that they all currently occupy. Even in the initial leap from underneath Dune’s surface to where I could witness the eye defying battle 7 worms (#2, 5, 6, 16, 17, 18, & 20) die leaving their massive bodies strewn across the desert for Guild ships to view from the space above and more importantly for sietchs such as mine to collect enough holy weapons known as crysknives to supply a tribe for generations to come. The worms possess such power that it is just as impressive as Usul’s ability to simply kill men and destroy objects with his voice’s killing words. Even Maud Dib himself with his prescient visions would have been shocked to see this incredible display of infighting transpire. Another Maker attacks a different Maker with its razor sharp teeth but as it does that, the original Maker is attacked as well resulting In the death of 2 more (#15 & 4). But it is the Maker I witnessed next that impressed me the most; for it was this worm that was the biggest worm I have ever witnessed in all my 97 years of life. It contained scales enough to allow entire sietch’s to ride upon its massive back and had a mouth that could fit a dozen sand crawlers along with the carrier. When this worm shot out of the Dunes to reveal its full size and potential I knew that Shai Halud would gift this mighty beast with the rule of the land below me. This gigantic worm leapt into the air with such ferocity that I nearly snapped my own neck just looking to see the mouth. The 2 worms battling below it stood no chance of survival as the other reigned down upon them killing them both (#3 & 19). After this life altering battle I quickly grabbed my Maker hooks out of my fremkit and swung myself on top of the truly mighty version of Shai Halud and road the sole survivor back to my sietch to tell the unbelievable tale that you were just privileged enough to hear.
BROCK SAMPSONS FIGHTING MURDERFLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!
The Slaves are Sandworm #15-20
I Dumir, Fremen of the Sietch Lagir will now tell the story that I personally witnessed from atop the rocky outcroppings of the sandy landscape that I call home. The Maker is a territorial beast; ruling miles of Dune’s landscape, is a feat accomplished even by the smaller worms, but I alone was gifted with the opportunity to witness 12 makers compete in battle as if they were mere humans. All creatures of the desert, including us Fremen do not recognize leadership without combat. Here on Dune we value real power as the means to lead, not like the water fat off-worlders that you may find in Arrakeen with their white colored eyes peddling their garbage and selling drops of water to anyone weak enough to require it. They refer to our planet as Arrakis and no nothing of our ways with their gray colored plastic stillsuits, wasting the body’s water into the air as if they can spare such a resource. It could be better utilized by a worthy sietch to grow our boys into strong men for the coming battles. Let them believe that their imperium is ruled by their puppet emperor, for my people know that no man rules over Shai Halud. As I stand on the rocks, I use no thumper to call upon Shai Halud, I was simply sitting studying my Orange Catholic Bible and thinking over the prana bindu exercises taught to me by my sietch’s Reverend mother. I watch as the 12 worms crash into the air simultaneously creating a dust storm that must have been felt by Fremen miles away. The cinnamonny smell of mélange pleases my nostrils as the orange dust fills the sky. Shai Halud was very angry indeed to call these massive beasts into such a holy melee as they use their crysnife lined mouths to attack one another for the honor of ruling the land that they all currently occupy. Even in the initial leap from underneath Dune’s surface to where I could witness the eye defying battle 7 worms (#2, 5, 6, 16, 17, 18, & 20) die leaving their massive bodies strewn across the desert for Guild ships to view from the space above and more importantly for sietchs such as mine to collect enough holy weapons known as crysknives to supply a tribe for generations to come. The worms possess such power that it is just as impressive as Usul’s ability to simply kill men and destroy objects with his voice’s killing words. Even Maud Dib himself with his prescient visions would have been shocked to see this incredible display of infighting transpire. Another Maker attacks a different Maker with its razor sharp teeth but as it does that, the original Maker is attacked as well resulting In the death of 2 more (#15 & 4). But it is the Maker I witnessed next that impressed me the most; for it was this worm that was the biggest worm I have ever witnessed in all my 97 years of life. It contained scales enough to allow entire sietch’s to ride upon its massive back and had a mouth that could fit a dozen sand crawlers along with the carrier. When this worm shot out of the Dunes to reveal its full size and potential I knew that Shai Halud would gift this mighty beast with the rule of the land below me. This gigantic worm leapt into the air with such ferocity that I nearly snapped my own neck just looking to see the mouth. The 2 worms battling below it stood no chance of survival as the other reigned down upon them killing them both (#3 & 19). After this life altering battle I quickly grabbed my Maker hooks out of my fremkit and swung myself on top of the truly mighty version of Shai Halud and road the sole survivor back to my sietch to tell the unbelievable tale that you were just privileged enough to hear.
BROCK SAMPSONS FIGHTING MURDERFLIES ARE VICTORIOUS!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade
The Horsemen of Apokolips are Luke Skywalker Grand Jedi Master, Achilles, Supergirl, & Sandworm #14.
Le’ Napoleon Brigade is Duncan Idaho Ghola, Allia Atreides, Obi Wan Kenobi, Hecate, & Atreides Soldier #1-6.
Luke looks to his teammates Supergirl and Achilles and tells them: “Hold Back. We need to be patient and let this battle play out. I used to live here you know”. “A lot of people are going to die here you know, it’s convenient”. Achilles replies. For Allia, it feels good to walk thru the arid desert air, but it is Obi Wan who leads the team, considering the fact that he is the only person who has set foot on this particular planet, even if it was only briefly when he was a padawan. Obi Wan says: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” as his force powers tremble with an unknown feeling of uneasiness. Just then Sandworm #14 blasts out of the Jundland’s wastes, and comes back down onto the ground consuming Atreides Soldiers #1, 2, 5, & 6, as well as Jedi Master Kenobi. Achilles goes against Master Skywalker’s plan and engages Allia Atreides and her husband Duncan Idaho in a fierce melee battle despite the destruction that is going on around them. Hecate does not particularly like the tone of this match, but when she sees that this battle cannot possibly be won without heavy causalities she takes a chance and blasts the area that Achilles has attacked with some massive firepower. Hecate hopes to destroy all 3 humanoid members of the Horsemen with her attack, even if it causes deaths on her own team, but Luke and Supergirl are able to use their superhuman gifts of speed to barely evade the attack. Hecate destroys what was destined to be an amazing sword battle by killing not only Achilles, but her own teammates Duncan and Allia as well. Sandworm #14 jumps out of the sand once again, but this time Supergirl uses the training she has received as a Horsemen of Apokolips to her advantage. Supergirl grabs a hold of the Sandworm’s open casing while it is in mid-air and launches the enormous beast toward Hecate. The huge Sandworm hits the original Titan Cymek head on causing a massive explosion, that takes out both team’s heaviest hitter. In the meantime, Luke uses his lightsaber skills to take out Atreides Soldier #3 & 4.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!
Le’ Napoleon Brigade is Duncan Idaho Ghola, Allia Atreides, Obi Wan Kenobi, Hecate, & Atreides Soldier #1-6.
Luke looks to his teammates Supergirl and Achilles and tells them: “Hold Back. We need to be patient and let this battle play out. I used to live here you know”. “A lot of people are going to die here you know, it’s convenient”. Achilles replies. For Allia, it feels good to walk thru the arid desert air, but it is Obi Wan who leads the team, considering the fact that he is the only person who has set foot on this particular planet, even if it was only briefly when he was a padawan. Obi Wan says: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” as his force powers tremble with an unknown feeling of uneasiness. Just then Sandworm #14 blasts out of the Jundland’s wastes, and comes back down onto the ground consuming Atreides Soldiers #1, 2, 5, & 6, as well as Jedi Master Kenobi. Achilles goes against Master Skywalker’s plan and engages Allia Atreides and her husband Duncan Idaho in a fierce melee battle despite the destruction that is going on around them. Hecate does not particularly like the tone of this match, but when she sees that this battle cannot possibly be won without heavy causalities she takes a chance and blasts the area that Achilles has attacked with some massive firepower. Hecate hopes to destroy all 3 humanoid members of the Horsemen with her attack, even if it causes deaths on her own team, but Luke and Supergirl are able to use their superhuman gifts of speed to barely evade the attack. Hecate destroys what was destined to be an amazing sword battle by killing not only Achilles, but her own teammates Duncan and Allia as well. Sandworm #14 jumps out of the sand once again, but this time Supergirl uses the training she has received as a Horsemen of Apokolips to her advantage. Supergirl grabs a hold of the Sandworm’s open casing while it is in mid-air and launches the enormous beast toward Hecate. The huge Sandworm hits the original Titan Cymek head on causing a massive explosion, that takes out both team’s heaviest hitter. In the meantime, Luke uses his lightsaber skills to take out Atreides Soldier #3 & 4.
THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!
Trade Deadline
-The trade deadline is Monday May 18th at 11:59 PM.
-The waiver wires will also be closed at this time.
-If you are already eliminated from the play-offs, this does not apply to you.
-Waiver wires will re-open for all teams once the play-offs begin.
-The waiver wires will also be closed at this time.
-If you are already eliminated from the play-offs, this does not apply to you.
-Waiver wires will re-open for all teams once the play-offs begin.
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