PROLOGUE: STAN LEE CONFERENCE FINALS

The rivalry between Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches and Team Sleeping Pussy predates the Fantasy Fantasy League itself. The two team owners, closest of friends, have clashed over a great many of things throughout their time as hetro-life partners. But none more viciously as what we are about to be witness to here in the Stan Lee Conference Finals. The Backyardigans have a near immaculate record against the Pussies during these past first five years of the League. Though, unlike any time before now not only do they meet in the Playoffs, but they shall do battle for the right to proudly wave the flag into the Universe Bowl for their Conference. These two teams are short of pep rallies and speeches; instead, they waste no time searching one another out in this galactic sized confrontation.

"KANG!! WHERE ARE YOU???!!! COME CONQEUROR!! COMES SEE HOW YOU FARE AGAINST PERAXXUS, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!!!" screams one of the newest additions to Beckerman's impressive roster of talent.

His words echo across the Playoff Planet, where Kang has assembled a small team to assist him in his latest machinations.

"This is the information Kang has been able to gather," begins the Conqueror. "The entire roster of what we're up against is unclear, but these are the pieces that shall be utilized and lead us to glory."

The team looks over what Kang has brought them.

"I recognize some of this from my Planetary guides," says Elijah Snow "Some heavy, heavy hitter. You sure about this, Rama?"

"Kang is always sure, are you sure that your man can assist Kang with his device?" the time traveler retorts.

"Drums is the best I got, he's already on it,” responds Snow. “What about that madman screaming for you, Kang? Shouldn't you deal with that?"

Kang smirks. "Feh. Kang has more important things to deal with than the latest destroyer of the moment. Why don't you and the rest of your underlings go and handle the light work. Kang still has much to prepare."

"Well, since you asked SO nicely" grimaces Snow, and with that he, Ambrose Chase and Jakita Wagner go off to face Peraxxus while The Drummer remains behind with Kang and black lantern Kyle Rayner to work on Kang's latest master-weapon.

The Planetary trio finds the new 52 villain and engages him. Ambrose Chase slows time around the mighty behemoth, allowing Jakita Wagner's mighty punches to be landing with what seems to be super speed. This staggers the giant, dropping him to his knees. Snow then notices that Peraxxus seems to be bleeding. He studies the time displaced creature and begins lowering Peraxxus' internal body temperature. Snow eventually succeeds in completely freezing the destroyer's heart, giving Wagner the opportunity to punch her fist right through his heart, completely shattering it and killing Peraxxus.

Exhausted from the effort, Snow looks at his teammates "Well…the easy… part is… over. On to the tough stuff.” The group goes to the next part of Team Sleeping Pussy's battle plan.

While this is going on, the work on Kang's super-weapon is interrupted when Oblivion finds the group.

"Right on time," sneers Kang. "Kyle. If you will."

"Of course. Been meaning to take this back," growls Kyle. He aims his ring at Oblivion and begins to absorb the creature. Kyle begins glowing and smiles "Home again, home again," he mocks as Oblivion is returned back to where he came from, the dark, evil part of Kyle Rayner's mind.

"Drummer. Report!" exclaims Kang.

"It's as you thought, the absorption of the creature has overpowered our black lantern. He's at near god-like powers now," the Drummer informs.

"And the device?" asks Kang.

"Is ready and should work, provided you get the final component," replies The Drummer as he hands Kang a large backpack type device with a gauntlet.

"Excellent. Be off to assist your comrades, they'll need you. Kang shall give this a proper test run," says Kang as he puts on his latest creation.

Drummer departs, leaving Kang alone with Black Lantern Kyle/Oblivion. "For GLORY!" he cries as he fires a blast at his teammate/adversary, causing him to vanish leaving his black lantern ring on the floor. Kang quickly puts the ring on the hand opposite the gauntlet.

"Now to make sure it works" says Kang as he triggers the gauntlet while the black ring begins to reform its original host. Suddenly, the reformation stops, and the energy begins to envelope Kang. The descendent of Reed Richards lurches forward for a moment as the energy overwhelms him.

He hacks several times as it consumes him. But Kang regains his posture, arches back and yells into the heavens, "YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!" THE POWER!!! THE ABSOLUTE POWER!!!! THIS SHALL BE KANG'S GREATEST HOUR!!!!"

With the effort it takes a person to blink, Kang is instantly transported to the moment he's thinking of; Planetary's battle with the In-Betweener.

Things have not gone well for Planetary, as the In-Betweener has quickly and neatly destroyed the entire team. He looks as the near omnipotent Kang appears.

"I have been expecting you," he calmly says to Kang.

"As you should have. For the moment of you death is near.”

The In-Betweener extends his hand out and attempts to vaporize Kang, but the time traveler is prepare for such an attempt. He uses his gauntlet and manages to absorb the energy blast. One that should have thoroughly annihilated him. “My power now supersedes yours. Any last words?" snarls the near omnipotent Kang.

"Just a question. What next?After you dispatch me, what will you do?" asks the In-Betweener.

"What do you mean?Victory. I will celebrate victory!" says Kang. "I have seen the proof. I destroy you."

The In-Betweener floats there with his arms crossed. "You may, but is you victory assured? Are you certain this is your day? For we have more dangerous weapo-"

"Enough of your tactics. DIE!" screams Kang as he obliterates the In-Betweener.

Kang then notices the Death Star, orbiting the site of his latest bloodbath.

"A fitting throne for Kang," he thinks, and with that sets off to overtake the ominous space station.

PROLOGUE: George Lucas Conference Finals

The entire starting line-up of the Commandos, with the exception of Black Lantern Set, is aboard Commando-1 high up in space, awaiting a few words from their Head Coach. President Barack Obama makes his way to the podium that has been set up on a platform. He is joined by his War Cabinet; President Thomas Jefferson, President John Adams and Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Obama takes a moment to look over his team as they wait for him to speak. He clears his throat and then begins…

“There has never been a team that I am more proud to lead into battle than the one that stands before me right now,” Obama starts. “You are the finest soldiers I have ever had the honor to command. All of you have bled for this organization. You have all laid your very lives on the line week in and week out this season in our quest for the Championship. We have lost many this year. I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge all they sacrificed so that we may be in this position once again. Teammates like Willow Rosenberg and Ellen Ripley.”

He turns and points to the enormous banner that hangs behind him, a banner that has their team logo emblazoned across it. Even our Assistant Coach, Dr. Doom, laid his life down so that we could defeat the nefarious Horsemen of Apokolips. We were fortunate enough when we lost Orion Pax against the vile TEAM, for our Black Lantern Optimus Prime to be resurrected by the wondrous powers of the Matrix. Prime,I hope there’s still a little magic left in that trinket.”

Barack shoots Optimus a wink, to which Prime nods back as to sooth Obama’s concerns.

The President and Head Coach continues, “And then there was Dora.” Obama pauses for a moment as he is caught off guard by a wave of emotion. “Our locker room has had a void in it ever since the Slaves took her from us. It’s known as “The House That Dora Built.” Are we going to let them take from us what all of our friends gave their lives for?! The Slaves have made a career out of keeping us from our goals. I say, enough is enough. Dora gave me a note before the final week of the season. She asked that if she did indeed fall that week, that I would read it to you if we met the Slaves in the Conference Finals.”

He pulls out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket. “It simply says… Send Yoda to me.”

Buffy Summers interjects, “But Mr. President, Yoda survived against the Horsemen. He doesn’t have 9 deaths.”

Barack listens to the Slayer and responds to her apprehensions, “Well then Ms. Summers. We’ll have to kill him twice.”

These are the Commandos’ Head Coach’s final words before teleporting his team to the Playoff Planet.

Meanwhile, George Washington stands in the middle of the Slaves’ locker room. He is surrounded by his starting line-up.

“My brave fellows, you have done all I asked you to do, and more than can be reasonably expected; but our quest for a championship is at stake. You have worn yourselves out with fatigues and hardships, but we know not how to spare you. If you consent to fight one match longer, you with render that service to the cause of a championship, and to your team, which you probably can never do under any other circumstances. Now join me in doing what we do best…. Let’s beat the Commandos.”

As the team begins to leave, Washington stops Yoda. “Master Yoda, how are you feeling, considering?”

Yoda turns slowly as one who is almost 900 years old would, “A day over 400 I barely feel sir.”

These two teams have a storied and epic rivalry between each other. They have fought countless times throughout the history of the Fantasy Fantasy League. This is the third time these teams each have made it to a Conference Finals and the second time they have faced off against each other for the right to represent their Conference in the illustrious Universe Bowl. Neither team has, nevertheless, reached the top of the mountain. This year, however, could be a different. George Washington’s Slaves have already defeated the very team they lost to in the 2009 Universe Bowl and the Commandos put on a dominating performance during this year’s regular season. However, only time will tell, as they first have to survive this confrontation.

Season 5, Consolation Round 2 - Tijuana Taco Benderz vs. Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

The Tijuana Taco Benderz are:

Waluigie

Bo Jackson

Teddy Tear

Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living together To Make a New Family are:

The Jokester and his pet monkey Harley

The teams each start in separate cells and the doors are swung open simultaneously.  The Jokester takes off down the corridor with Harley quick on his heels.  The Taco Benderz are more cautious and send out Teddy Tear as a scout.  Not knowing which way to go, Teddy goes right and silently (because of his feet made of cotton) tip toes down the hallway.  He peeks his marble eyes around the first corner and, upon seeing no sign of the opponent, signals for Bo and Waluigie to follow.  Bo is much quicker than the unloved Mario villan and catches up to Teddy first.  Waluigie is still several feet away from the rest of his team when he is ambushed and yanked into an empty room.  The Jokester begins to strangle him with the strap from a strait jacket and Harley jumps on his chest and presses a mask on his face as nitrous oxide begins to flow.  The gas quickly calms the lanky Waluigie and as he relaxes, the Jokester is able to finish him off in a matter of seconds.

“Help me with his overalls!” exclaims the Jokester.

Harley tugs the bottom of his pants as the Jokester lifts Waluigie up off the ground.  The Jokester hops into his outfit and throws on his hat.

“Go around the other side, Harley” says the Jokester.

“Oooo oooo aahhh” says the monkey.

The Jokester runs down the hallway and stops behind Bo.

“What took you so long?” says Jackson shaking his head.  “Come on, let’s go”

They turn the corner and see Harley come around the opposite end of the hall and face the three of them.  As Bo and Teddy take off to destroy the little primate, the Jokester trips Bo and he falls to the ground.  Now unassisted, the teddy bear doesn’t stand a chance in this fight.  Harley pounces on the stuffed animal and rips his limbs from his torso.  Quickly, the stuffing is ripped out of Teddy and his cries of pain fade into silence.

Bo turns over to yell at his clumsy teammate and is shocked to see the Jokester in disguise.  The Jokester wastes no time and puts his boot square into his face.  Dazed, Bo finds his way to his feet and runs toward Harley who is now defiling the corpse of the bear.  Bo scoops him up and spikes him on the ground like he was back in the NFL.  The force of the impact breaks the neck of the monkey and he dies instantly.  Bo then sees the Jokester catching up to him so he picks up Harley and shows the Jokester his other sports skill by swinging the monkey’s limp body directly into his face.  The monkey’s head is sheared off his body and covers the Jokester face with blood.  As Bo steps to punch the Jokester, he slips in that crazy monkey blood and loses his balance.  The Jokester jumps on his back and grabs his head.

“Bo knows death!” says the Jokester as he snaps neck of the two sport all-star.

Season 5, Consolation Match Week 2: Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs. Horsemen of Apokolips

“This is the last person you’re ever going to see alive.”

 -Ghostface

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Consolation Week 2 Match located at Arkham Asylum.  They are as follows:

Horsemen of Apokolips: Joker with M202A1 FLASH rocket launcher.

Dope Fiends and Destroyers: Ghostface and Vizzini.

Let the battle begin. . .

The Joker is used to the cold hallways of Arkham.  He slowly trots down his scouted path and passes by a door marked: “Do not open.”  Joker hesitates, ponders and walks away.  He further strolls down the hall and see another sign on a door a few yards down from the first.  The sign on the door states: “Really.  Do not open.”  The Joker cackles to himself and resists the temptation, once again.  As he walks another few feet, he sees another door with a sign labeled: “Come on.  You know you want to open this door.”  Joker’s mind spins and he quells his dire urge.  He rushes away and finally stops at a door with a sign that reads: “Joker, just do it!”  The Joker cannot stand it any more.  Joker looks inside and is unable to see anything. 

Joker:  Pandora’s box.  Hehehehe.  Gotta open it don’t I?

Joker slowly turns the knob and Ghostface barrels out of the room, knife in hand.  He manages to sink the blade into Joker’s shoulder.

Joker:  That hurt!!!  Hahahahahaha.  But I think this is going to hurt more.  Whoever said it was smart to bring a knife to a gunfight.

Joker breaks the glass of where a fire hose used to be, miraculously next to the door currently resided in by Ghostface and pulls out his rocket launcher Ghostface sprints down the hallway and is incinerated in the rocket’s blast.  Joker shrugs and walks away.  He sees the room which he instinctively knows his next battle will occur.  Joker pulls out two cups from a tray and sits at a table in the middle of a padded room.  Vizzini slowly opens the door and sits down in front of the clown-faced psychopath.  Joker points to two cups which sit on the table. 

Joker:  I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Vizzini: For victory?

Joker nods his head and cackles.

Vizzini:  To the death?

Joker nods his head and cackles some more.

Vizzini: I accept.

Joker:  All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.

Vizzini:  But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Joker: You've made your decision then?

Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Joker: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?

Joker: Australia.

Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Joker: You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my Ghostface, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Joker:  You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!

Joker: Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?

Vizzini gestures up and away from the table.  Joker looks away and Vizzini swaps the goblets.

Joker: What? Where? I don't see anything.

Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

Vizzini and the Joker drink.

Joker: You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

Vizzini stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead.

Joker laughs and walks out the Arkham doors.

Consolation Round 2- Better Than All of You vs The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets:
Batboy
Nick Nack
Treasure Troll #1

Better Than All of You:
Megadeth - Dave Mustaine, Marty Friedman, Dave Ellefson, & Nick Menza


Silk Bishop, reporting LIVE from Arkham Asylum where an unbelievable event has occoured. Megadeth is dead ladies and gentlemen, Megadeth is dead.

It all started as the veteran musical act was going through Arkham processing. Arkham security was helping to transport the band to the battlefield so as not to disrupt any of the inmates, when out of nowhere a gang that's been referred to as "The Ducey Dukes" were somehow released from their holding cells and overtook the gaurds and Megadeth. The assailants have been identified as Poop Man, Sir Cornelius Fart, Colonel Reginald Diarreha, Ferris de Feces, Craig McCrappy, Eric Excrement, Tommy Turdburgler, and Deuce Smellington. A doctor outside of processing claims to have seen Midgets member Nick Nack leaving the area just prior to the breakout, and we're now learning that security cameras can indeed place the diminuative henchmen in the area and comfirm that he was responsible for the carnage.

That's all we have for the moment. We're hoping to hear from someone from either the Betters or the Midgets on this. This has been Silk Bishop for the Ocho.

See Cotton, you self righteous prick, I told you I can do this s**t better than the f**k Pepper. Both those a**...what do you mean this is still on???  Oh F-