Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Hannah Indiana and President "Don't Worry, it's Only Discrimination When Republicans Do it" President Barack Obama's: Best of Both Worlds Touring Battalion of Commandos

Team Sleeping Pussy is Bad Scaner (Darryl Revok), (movie) Rachet, The Mountain Dew Transformer, Droid Fighter Ship #13-14, Ash (w/ mandalorian armor), Moss Man, Capt. Boomerang, Sunfire, Big Jim w/ truck and trailer, Zombie Bryan Beckerman, Zombie Ryan Poteracki, Jubilee, Xenomorph #5-8, Skrull #25-28, Wargs and their Riders #1-4, and Marine #91-92.

Miley Skankrus and “The Iranians are cool; but Israel is wrecking the middle East” President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is Tleilaxlu Master #1-2, Marine #55-62, The Secret Circle: Cassie Blake, Jake Armstrong, Faye Chamberlain, Diana Meade, Adam Conant, and Melissa Glazer, Angel (w/ blue lightsaber), The Question (w/ red lantern ring), Prof. Henry Jones Sr. (w/ White Lantern Ring), Danger Mouse (w/ red lantern Ring) and Ernest Penfold (w/ red lantern ring), Lazarus Long in a Fairchild VZ-5, Ginger Spice, Immell #5 (AKA: The Captain) (w/ Captain America’s Shield), Angelina Jolie w/ Maddox, Shiloh, Zhara, Pax, Knox, and Vivian Jolie-Pitt, Muhammad Ali on Horse #12, Ewok Baby #5, Anus the Touchable, Worm Becks (w/ green lantern ring), Capt. Latin America w/ Cannon Man, The Bottomless Stomach, and Kid Knee, Red Dragon #1-2, Rachel Ray (w/ flamethrower and green lightsaber), Alan Thicke (w/ green lantern ring), Joanna Kern (w/ blue lantern ring), Kirk Cameron (w/ yellow lantern ring), Tracy Gold (w/ star sapphire), Jeremy Miller (w/ indigo lantern ring), and Robin Thicke.


Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey y’all, it’s everybody’s favorite Watcher The Neon Master Pogo here. I realize that I was supposed to watch the other match and that Joshatu the Old and Stuffy was supposed to watch this one; but when “His Mighty Boringness” Joshatu read The Commandos line-up he had to pawn this one off on me. Sooooooooooooo, here we go….

Umm, alright I think there is quite enough characters for one 450 point match here so I’m gonna need to start this one off with The Secret Circle tripping on some desert rocks and falling into some quick sand or something because I’ve only got so much ridiculousness to throw around in the course of one story. We’ll give the credit to these kills to …….ummmmmmm…….. MOSS MAN!! Yeah, Moss Man. I mean, dude’s cool and guy is entirely made of moss; so he should prolly have five super-legit kills right off the bat.

Whether it be because Rachet is the smartest guy on the squad or the biggest is unclear, but he seems to be acting like the unofficial squad leader for The Sleeping Pussies, who have made their camp outside of the large pyramid out in the far eastern corner of the Doky Doky Panic Desert, or… wait a tic…. That pyramid was in the desert world of Mario 3 wasn’t it? Well, whatever; they are in it anyway, or one like it or something. There they wait, formulate, and prepare for what will surely be a rough battle as they are outnumbered almost 2 to 1.

The roaming band of vagabonds that has seemingly very little to do with the desert, video games, or video game deserts is roaming around like um well, like a band of vagabonds to be precise.

The two Tleilaxlu Masters are gunned down by The Droid Fighter Ships on their perimeter straifing run; but the few (and proud) Marines manage to gun down the Star Wars Droids with some heavy weapons fire.

Out in the open desert, The Warg Riders and their Warg steeds are battling The 2 Red Dragons who #2 of whom happen to have an Ewok Baby riding on top of it (really more of an Ewok Toddler by now (I mean he’s been on The Commandos for years at this point)). The Marines from both teams join the fray as well (8 from The Commandos and only 2 from The Pussies). The Red Dragons seem to have the upper hand in the skirmish as they attack from the air, that is until the four Xenomorph Aliens from The Pussies rush into make an even bigger mess. The Wargs and their orc riders all get torched by the dragons, although they do manage to take out dragon #1 before they die a gross, gurgling, and dirty orc death like they always seem to. The Marines on both sides fight valiantly; but they find themselves inadequate to battle with the monsters in this particular terrain and in such close quarters. They all sadly go to The FFL Graveyard pondering the unanswerable question of what they could have possibly done wrong to be dropped by Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies in the first place. The Xenomorphs Aliens do manage to rip apart Red Dragon #2, but not before the dragon and his adorable little ewok partner take out 2 of the 4 Ridley Scott creations (#5 & 6 (you really should have seen the spear throw from that little furry guy, I mean right in the FACE, made ya proud to be a Return of the Jedi fan ya know (it was kind of like what it would have been like if Leonidas in 300 would have hit that Persian dude right in the face with the spear instead of just grazing his cheek (and if the Persian dude was a double faced alien of course)))).

Zombie Bryan Beckerman and Zombie Ryan Poteracki are squaring off against Anus the Touchable and Worm Becks, and by squaring off I of course mean that the two couples are having a passionate love-making competition to see who can cause the most vomit induction from innocent bystanders. Zombie Ryan and Zombie Bryan seem to be winning the contest, despite Worm Becks entire body being engulfed within his partner’s mutant colon. The two zombies suck face and grope one another in the way in which their formerly living counterparts always wanted to; but were too scurred because of oppressive conservative social norms and an undying fear that they would not be able to purchase baked goods should their love for one another become known. Instead of the typical yells of “BRAINS” they instead mumble the word “JOSH” over and over again. This of course being because the one person that they would rather be with instead of each other is of course their friend Josh, who they know is unattainable not only because he is so super straight, but also because they know that even middle-of-the-night-prison-rape is out of the question because of the fact that Josh could kick both their asses at the same time with one hand tied behind his back. So instead Bryan and Ryan engage in the tired old process of settling for Bryan and Ryan (#Teresa and Amy, #poor souls). But that does not stop them from being taken by the physical bliss mixed with undead zombie blood and rotting man-flesh falling from their blackened gums that is just soooooo typical of male on male zombie sex. Ginger Spice walks by and becomes so sickened at the sight that she basically catches zombieitus or whatever just from witnessing it. The sight of the naked zombie Becks causes her to heave uncontrollably. Trixie Firecracker then begins to rip off her clothes so she can pull off her own breasts just so she can have something to shove into her eyes, she dies right before Robin Thicke and his undersized (yet raging) boner can force himself onto the Spice Girl (she so wanted it). Robin Thicke then falls over dead from lack of talent, but at least as he does an enormous banner magically fall from the sky that says “Robin Thicke is a huge Dick”. Muhammad Ali’s horse begins projectile vomiting as well, so badly that it flings the boxer from his back before the steed dies of dehydration. Angelina Jolie’s kids are unaffected by this because all the slobbering reminds them of a mix of some of their home countries in which they were born, their mom without make-up on, and their father’s brief stint on the show Friends. Angelina herself is unaffected as well, because it reminds her of her brief relationship with Mick Jagger in her youth. Rachel Ray is vomiting as well (yeah, you got it, this joke still isn’t over); but she survives the experience because of her meals being such a good, quick, and efficient source of protein and vitamins. She throws her vomit-covered garbage bowl at Zombie Ryan to sever his brain in two, while Angelina Jolie’s brats pummel the nude Zombie Becks into the ground, whilst never actually separating the two zombies whose bodies will be eternally connected via butt and rotted genitalia. Anus the Touchable then finally finishes buttgasming do to what Worm Becks refers to as “The Super Sperm Squirm”. Anus the Touchable then forces out a green lantern laden mutant fart that propels Worm Becks out of his anus and into Skrull #25 and 26. Worm Becks and Anus are then put to rest by Capt. Boomerang because all of the melee fighting characters from Team SP refused to go anywhere near the duo.

Big Jim is off-roading through the desert with his truck and trailer that Fred didn’t actually start, while being chased by Danger Mouse and Ernest Penfold in their little convertible that Nick didn’t actually start. Big Jim drives directly over the much smaller Mouse and sidekick; but the red lantern explosion that is given off makes Big Jim rattle off a string of expletives that are definitely not appropriate for Holy Week. The superbad dumpster dude then joins his rodent prey in death.

Next up is Alan Thicke and his T.V. family who go all out in a full-frontal assault on The Team SP Pyramid Base. Alan Thicke is getting used to his green ring quite well, but Kirk Cameron has rejected his yellow ring altogether. You see he cannot produce fear or feel it himself because there is nothing to fear when you have Christ. For though he walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he will fear no evil, for the Lord is with him, his rod and his staff they comfort him. For the Lord makes him lie down in green pastures and leads him beside quiet waters. But on the other hand, God is love; and on the third hand (wouldn’t it be cool if that was a thing) have you seen Tracy Gold lately?? I mean that chick is scary. Talk about legit reasons TO have anorexia. So, needless to say the two Growing Pains brats just simply trade rings and all is well. Jeremy Miller on the other hand is just flying around in a circle with his Indigo Lantern Ring crying and complaining about the evils of subjecting children to television, while Joanna Kern does what she does best: hangs close to Alan Thicke while she charges up the power of his career,… err green lantern ring I mean. The whole fam then begins using their various lantern powers to begin crushing The Sleeping Pyramid (cool name for a base huh??). The pyramid starts closing in on itself as Alan Thicke screams: “HAHAHA SHRINKING PAINS BEOTCHES”!! Both of the Skrulls, both of the Xenomorphs, Darryl Revok, and Moss Man all die in the pyramid collapse (good thing the mosster got those 5 wicked solid kills at the beginning of the match to get on the board). Rachet then leads a final push from his squad that has Capt. Boomerang take out Joanna, Sunfire torches Tracy and Jeremy, while Rachet and Ash dispose of the leaders Kirk and Alan himself.

Oh, phew now that all of those super-powerful characters are out of the way I can clean up the riff-raff and really start this match:

Rachet, Sunfire, and Jubilee square off against Angel and The (red lanternized) Question. Angel moves swiftly with his blue lightsaber while the question spews a heavy dose of red rage energy to lend him some cover; but The Sleeping Pussies wake up and bravely take them both down.

The Mountain Dew Transformer then exposes The Jolie-Pitt clan to his non-organic, carb-laden flavor that makes them all die within seconds. His sugar rush then attracts Muhammad Ali, making him float over like a bee and sting like a butterfly against the robot’s hardened exterior, killing the legendary boxer. An excited Lazarus Long then comes flying in like a madman in his Fairchild VZ-5 as he has decided that he cannot wait to finally die today in this match. The man who has lived for so many hundreds of years and through so much adversity is reveling the opportunity to fly in a plane from his youth in what will finally be his last day of existence. Despite his major technology disadvantage, Lazarus Long swoops in, perfectly targets the robot, and pulls back up with ease to destroy the spark of the Mountain Dew Transformer.

Ash chainsaws Rachel Ray’s face off, while Sam Raimi directs from behind the scenes and laughs hysterically at his own work but then does not have the heart to let Ash win completely against Henry Jones Sr. who join each other in death while movie fans around the globe simultaneously complain and blow their loads all over the place.

Capt. Boomerang dodges a toss of Cap’s shield from the Immell clone of Steve Rogers and Steve Yzerman and then puts a boomerang into the skull of the Mike Illitch clone. Capt. Latin America then sneaks across the border into Team SP territory and picks up the star-spangled shield gaining benefits that no natural American would ever dream of asking for as he launches the shield into the temple of Jubilee to send her to the graveyard. But unfortunately for Captain Latin America this valiant act occurs only after Sunfire and Jubilee have laid to waste Cannon Man despite his FACE BEING A CANNON, as well as filling the bottomless stomach with fiery laser junk and taking out Kid Knee right above the ankle.

Lazarus Long has perhaps a little too much faith in his buddies, Capt. Latin America and the crew; as he does not know that they are losing their skirmish. Long crashes his plane in sacrifice into the SP Squad leader Rachet, while Sunfire and Capt. Boomerang converge on Capt. Latin America.





















Epilogue:

JOSHATU: Oh well, it looks like we will just have to cover this up and ignore it.

RYATU: I’m getting a little sick of our cover-ups; but oh well I don’t see any other way.

LAZARUS LONG: What the hell am I doing here?!!? Why the hell did you idiots resurrect me again?? That was my 10th death. For all powerful Watchers you guys sure do suck at counting.

RYATU: We did not resurrect you Mr. Long.

JOSHATU: This is simply what has come to be. You will be removed from the league, sent off on your own, with a new name and happy life and all will continue on as if this….. anomaly never took place.

LAZARUS LONG: Come on!! This is stupid, there must be some mistake. Just kill me already and be done with it.

RYATU: I want to agree with you more than you know Mr. Long; but unfortunately the writings of you are correct: You cannot die.