S8W4: Empire Vs. Horsemen

The Empire is: The Orphan, Grayson, Abe Sapien(8) w/star wand, Madman, Weirdwolf, Monzo, 4-LOM, Zuckuss, Revan, Catarine Towani(8) w/pokeball(Jiggypuff), Jeremitt Towani w/Laser sword, Gorax, Magius, Vigo the Carpathian, El Blanco, Karg(8) w/Indigo Lantern ring, Bill Kelly: Dark Jedi w/Blue lightsaber, Energy bow, and his trusty plumb hammer(9), Eugene "Butch" Aaron Griswold w/his trusty Estwing hammer(9), Mike Huckabee w/Green Lantern ring, Moltar, Sy-Klone, Leetch, Ninjor, Forrest Gump w/Proton pack and zapper, Zombie Nick Houslander w/Yellow Lantern ring, Teddy Tear(8) w/Yellow Lantern ring, Predator #50 w/Green lightsaber, Christopher Robin w/2 green lightsabers, Cybertronian Guardian #8, Kid Gladiator, Movie Wheeljack(Que), Riik #2, Ballistic, Sith Lord #15, and Snow Troopers #1-9.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Eson the Seeker, Professor X, Cyclops, Phoenix Jean Grey, Iceman, Archangel, Beast, Scarlet Witch, Hope Summers, Dazzler, Gene Simmons, Paul Staley, Ace Freley, Peter Criss, Deathstroke wLuke's lightsaber, Witch King of Angmar, Zuul w/spirit of Gozer, Vince Cortho, Dalton, Wade Garrett, Miho w/Plo Koon's blue lightsaber and green lightsaber, Sea-man, Gipsy Danger(Pilots: Raleigh Becket and Mako Mori), Striker Eureka(Herc Hanson and Chuck Hanson), Coyote Tango(Stacker Pentecost and Tasmin Sevier), Cherno Alpha(Sasha and Aleksis Kaldonovsky), Crimson Typhoon(Chun, Jin, and Hu Wei), Romeo Blue(Bruce and Trevin Gage), Horse #41(9)+42(9), Antreides Soldier #1-6(9 each), and Blue Tech Guy #1+2

SEGA!

We're on The Streets of Rage, and if you're not down with this mess, you're at the wrong address! Ain't no BSing here, these combatants are getting down and dirty because street fighting is back on the menu, boys! Most are fighting in the center of the city, but The Horsemen have a few notable exceptions standing on the sidelines for now. Their Jaegers are gathered on the edge of the city, fearful that they might step on their own teammates involved in the kerfluffle. On the opposite side of the metropolis, Eson the Seeker stands alone. He is unable to decide if this battle has any cosmic significance, so he waits.

Deathstroke and Miho have teamed up and are spinning their lightsabers in hopes of decapitating The Orphan and Grayson. Fortunately, The Empire's boys know a thing or two about combat, and their agility is keeping the energy blades at bay. Star Wars bounty hunters Zuckess and 4-LOM are not quite as lucky against their opponents Dalton and Wade Garrett. The Roadhouse bouncers are delivering Roadhouse roundhouses (say that 5 times fast!), and are pummeling the competition. Even with her backup band KISS, Dazzler is still having trouble with the extremely durable Kid Gladiator and the Tremors beast El Blanco. Scarlet Witch is trying to even the odds with a hex or two, but the Kid's laughter is indicates trouble for the mutants (or are they Inhumans now? Stupid movie rights.) Hope Summers is weezing some of Jean Grey's Phoenix Force, which is bad news for her attackers Sy-Klone, Leetch, and Ninjor.

On the supernatural side of things Zuul and Vince Cortho are doing their best to resurrect the Spirit of Gozer, but Vigo the Carpathian has something to say about that. Meanwhile, the Witch King of Angmar is disappointed by the Horsemens' selection of transportation. He sees Horse #41 and 42 and kills them, using their spirits to make one evil ghastly steed. He hops atop his new mount to start his own personal massacre of any foolish enough to be in his way.

The Empire's wizard Magius crafts a spell to make Ryan's creature Sea-Man disappear, saving us all from the horrific description of the character. Magius notices teammates Bill Kelly: Dark Jedi and Aaron Griswold sitting on a nearby curb together cracking beers.

"Why doth these warriors shy away from the glorious battle at hand?" questions Magius.

"Hey man, we're both on our last deaths, so if you don't mind, we're going to enjoy what little time we have left." answers Aaron.

"Yeah, it's not like we're going to do much out there. Maybe if we're lucky, we'll get stomped by a Jaeger." agrees Bill Kelly.

"Perhaps, perhaps not." says Magius with a smile.

He uses the last of his lifeforce to create a spell of empowerment to aid his teammates. As the wizard dissipates, Aaron and Bills' respective hammers begin to glow. They feel themselves energized by the hammers, each now equal in power to the mighty Thor.

"Now that's what I'm talkin about! I guess the old man wanted to give us a proper send off!" says Aaron Griswold.

"Shall we?" inquires Bill.

The two fly off to confront the still stationary Horsemen Jaegers. They easily avoid the flailing of giant mech limbs, and throw their hammers at Cherno Alpha. The Jaeger and it's pilots are destroyed as the now mystic hammers return to their owners. Aaron and Bill each raise the hammers skyward, and a massive lightning bolt strikes Crimson Typhoon, frying the mech and those inside.

"Wooooo! How you bitches like me now?" asks Aaron with a grin.

The answer is "not very much", as Coyote Tango and Romeo Blue get their wits together in time to finally stomp Aaron and Bill, just like Bill had foreseen earlier.

Professor X and his core team of X-Men are acting like they have been training together forever (Who knew?). Moltar is getting punished by optic blasts, and GL Mike Huckabee cannot deny that his personal climate is changing via Iceman. Archangel and the Beast are practicing the tried and true "set em up, knock em down" method, counting Catarine and Jeremitt Towani and the Gorax among their successes. Phoenix Jean Grey is currently shielding herself and Professor X, so that Xavier can mide wipe the ever dangerous Forrest Gump before he does something stupid, yet historic. Christopher Robin is the next to go, and the telepathic whammy cuts his strings like a puppet. Xavier is intrigued by very odd thoughts while scanning for another victim, and focuses on a specific being out of sheer curiousity.

The Empire's Madman is leaping through the melee, giving the occasional smack with his trademark yo-yo. He's obviously not doing any damage, but he is clearing his path. He doesn't know why, but he feels compelled to confront Eson the Seeker. He arrives at his destination, and is in awe of the towering Celestial.

"Hellooooo up there!" shouts Madman.

He is met with no response.

"Why am I here? Why was I drawn to you? Are we connected somehow?" asks Madman, but again, there is no reply.

"Fine, have it your way, I guess I'll just have to right some other cosmic injustice... Doo doo doo, just walking away now... Bye... adios... aufweidersehen..." says Madman. He takes a couple steps, but quickly turns around and gives The Celestial a kick in his giant foot. This physical connection activates Madman's inate, yet unpredictable psychic abilities, and he sees the universe through the eyes of Eson. Normally, this would drive one insane, so I guess he's lucky that he's already mad, man. It takes a minute, but the cosmic information is eventually sorted out.

"So you are a seeker, not only of locations, but of knowledge as well? You... want something?" asks Madman.

Eson moves his head slightly to look at the battle that is still raging in the middle of the city.

"You... want to fight... with your fists?" continues Madman, piecing together The Celestial's thoughts. "It looks... fun... to you? Wow, you must be pretty bored if getting punched in the face seems like a good time." observes Madman. "If that's what you want, I can help you! This must be in the best interest of the cosmos, I think... Anyway, no time to think this through, just shrink down to my size, and I'll let you in a secret or two." advises Madman.

Eson easily manipulates his energy to comply with the request.

"Good. Now check it out. What these guys don't know is that we're not even technically real, right now we're just a simulation on a video game. An old school beat em up, in fact. So all you really have to do to kick ass is spam the attack button, and it's combo city! Watch!" says Madman while he punches and kicks the air.

Eson is unfamiliar with the working of something as cosmically insignificant as a SEGA Genesis controller, so he simply jumps aimlessly in place.

"Ok, nice try, but that is the jump button. It's the other one, bro." explains Madman.

Eson releases an incredibly powerful ball of energy into the center of the battlefield, exterminating the remaining combatants outside of The Phoenix and a couple of Jaegers.

"Holy sh*t!!! That's your special attack button! DO NOT do that again! On the brightside, that means there's only one button left. You can do this!" encourages Madman.

Finally, Eson throws his fists, followed by a straight kick to the air in front of him.

"Yes! Now you've got it! Whoa... my cosmic sense is tingling. Somehow, I think we just saved the universe... I think? Ah, screw it, high five big man!" says Madman, extending his palm.

Eson looks at the hand quizzically before raising his own hand for the high five. Said cosmic high five vaporizes Madman.

And that is the story of the unlikely Empire/Horsemen team up that righted the universe. My job is done here.

Wait, what do you mean "They didn't save the universe."? Are you kidding me? Those random commons that Eson blew up were doing something so disturbing, that if it were even transcribed by me, you'd all be dead. Something so horrific, that if I did anything more than acknowledge their presence, your brains would melt and pour out your ears. That goes for anybody else I didn't mention, too. Scary stuff, fellas. You're welcome.