Pre-Season Tournament: Match #2

American League Pre-Season Throw Down

The Announcers are Dean Cain and Shia LaBeouf.

The Special Guest Referee is Terri Hatcher (not modern day “South Beach Crazy” Terri Hatcher; but “HOT”, young, “Maybe she could peal “7” lbs. because we don't know how “not great” she is going to look when she does” Terri Hatcher.


“Welcome to Season 6 ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dean; and my cohort over here is Shia. We've got a ton of Pre-Season action for you here tonight so lets get down to it”.

“Well Dean, let's not get to excited about it; after all, it is only Pre-Season.” says Shia.

Your host with the most Dean Cain says: “Hmmm... wow Shia, are you just purposely being a dick; or was that just an example of your natural need to publicly criticize everything that you are directly involved in”?
Shia begins to retort but Dean evidently decides to let that question transform in to a rhetorical one right before our eyes. The Super-stud gets on with the match per-cursors by saying: “We are especially happy to be here and to introduce our special guest referee Terri Hatcher, who is currently in the ring awaiting the two teams, while wearing absolutely nothing. She looks great; but Shia, before I turn it over to you for the team introductions, I must admit that I am not looking forward to going in to this crowd of wrestling fans and explaining to all of these adolescent-minded retards why there wiener is getting hard”.

Shia shakes off a bewildered look and says: “Wow Dean, if that comment was any shittier, the National Enquirer would be informing me that I said it at a bar I don't remember being at. But, anyway here are our teams. Now coming down the aisle representing the Ryan Poteracki Division are Jedi Master #38C (from TEAM), Sardakaur #47 (from Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers), (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler (from Griswold's Nut-Busters), and Andre the Giant (from Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies). And from the Matt Oblak Division... Sorry, for the antiquated division names here by the way. I just never did learn those new-fangled divisions last season”.

“Of course you didn't.... Dillhole”. Says a smug Cainster.

Shia continues: “The Midnighter (from The Royal Highness), (Vampire) Starfire (from Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family), Dark Jedi Pete Sosa (from Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve), and The Flash (Golden Age/Jay Garrick) (from Team Sleeping Pussy)”. Shia continues: “But aside from that, I gotta say: Damn 90's Terri Hatcher looks good. Sooooo Dean, I gotta know... Did you hit that back in the day or what”?
Cainasaurus Rex answers: “Did I hit that?...? Did Iiiiiiii hit that you say?? What do you think La-poof? I'm Dean F*&^%ng CAIN!! I'm a blond haired, quarter Asian guy who eats less than 385 calories a day and can bench-press your mom. I was done with that before you could “Even Steven” son”.


The Match begins with Nude Terri Hatcher attempting to maintain some semblance of rules. She instructs both teams that only one person per team may fight at a time and that they need to tag in their desired teammate when they wish to switch. It works great for the first few minutes, until Vampire Starfire gets hungry and decides to eat her. This throws off any semblance of order as all 8 competitors jump in to the ring and begin battling wildly. The Jedi Master and the Sardakaur terror troop get instantly locked in to intense battles with Vampire Starfire and The Midnighter, while Andre the Giant starts thundering towards Pete. The Flash starts circling the ring at amazing speeds in order to throw off his opponents.

Dean Cain comments awesomely: “Holy crap, I haven't seen anything move that fast since the last time Shia had to much to drink and got behind the wheel”.

Shia is about to retort smugly when two poison darts come sailing through the air and hit the non-desired targets of Dean Cain's eye and Shia LaBeouf's throat. The Sardakaur carefully aimed these projectiles; but The Midnighter anticipated the attack and moved out of the way in the nick of time. The Midnighter then kicks the imperial-crested blade out of the hands of the terror troop, but the well-trained trooper parries and backs in to a defensive position. The Sardakaur then pulls the shigawire strand out of his hair and begins to move towards The Midnighter; but this Batman rip-off isn't afraid to get down and dirty when it comes to killing his opponents. He moves swiftly ducking under the Sardakaur's right arm and then grabs a hold of both of his elbows to pull the razor sharp wire back on the trooper's own neck slicing it open. The Jedi Master manages to hold off Starfire's eye blasts with his lightsaber; but in the end is no match for the “Vamped-up” Tamaranian when she goes in for the kill by flying in feet first to take the lightsaber out of his hand. She then grabs a hold of his head and starts squeezing. Blood begins to drip from the eyes and nose of the Jedi before she digs her fangs into his neck.

The well-groomed, very disciplined, and perfectly physically fit Dark Jedi known as Pete Sosa begins to talk all kinds of smack to Andre the Giant, as he ignites the green lightsaber he took from the dead Jedi Padawan who had the poor foresight to cross him. “Someone of your stature could be so physically powerful, but instead you obviously waste your gifts with a self-indulgent life style. I will happily end your existence”.
Andre then surprises the Sosa-nater, by moving much faster than expected. He bats the lightsaber out of his hand with his massive fist and then picks up Pete by his neck. Pete struggles to get the massive hands unlocked from around his throat but even with his strength being aided by that of the force he cannot budge him. Pete's face is completely red when begins to concentrate with all of his might on using the force to aim the antiquated .45 Taurus Pistol that it is holstered at his back. Without touching the gun at all, he pulls back the firing pin with his mind and blasts off one of Andre's toes through his enormous black boots. The Giant is furious as he throws Pete down to the ground. Pete manages to jump up much quicker than expected after being thrown down hard by the wrestler and uses the force to suck his lightsaber back in to his right hand. Pete then leaps in to the air and drives the lightsaber deep in to the shoulder blade and down into the body of Andre the Giant to take his revenge. Flash is still moving at astounding rates but he is still having trouble keeping up with Nightcrawler's constant teleporting. The mutant then teleports directly in front of Flash's line of travel and has a Cutlass-style sword waiting for the meta-human to run right into. (A of A) Nightcrawler then begins to attack The Midnighter who manages to parry the initial attacks of the alternate dimension mutant. But before The Midnighter's brain can formulate a scenario to defeat his opponent, the action becomes unnecessary. While Nightcrawler is busy with his “pitched”1 battle against The Midnighter, Starfire bears her fangs once again and uses them to rip the back of the blue mutants neck off effortlessly.



1 Becks shout-outs Fo' Life