Season 5, Week 2: TEAM vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“Behold and marvel my immense blue cock!”
-Dr. Manhattan

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 2
Match located in the Arctic. They are as follows:

TEAM: Sif, Hogun, Volstagg, Fandral and Black Lantern Incredible Hulk.

Team Sleeping Pussy: Planetary- Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, The Drummer;
Doctor Manhattan, Kang, Khan Noonien Singh and Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic.

Let the battle begin. . .

Elijah Snow uses his ability to manipulate the cold. The weather reaches an extreme temperature. Unfortunately for Team SP, a majority of the TEAM members are used to this weather since they have fought in the land of the Frost Giants.

Khan Noonien Singh stands defiantly against Black Lantern Incredible Hulk (hereinafter “BLIH”).

BLIH: Puuunnnnyyy maaaannn!

Khan: How dare you defile my name! I am Khan Noonien Singh! I am a warrior who killed Captain James Tiberius Kirk’s son! I am a man who controlled over one quarter of the Earth in the Eugenics Wars! I am a man of fine Corinthian leather! I am. . .

Although Khan is a genetically enhanced human, he is no match for BLIH. Before Khan can finish his next sentence, BLIH walks up to the man and pops his head off.

BLIH: Puuunnnnnyyyy maaaann!

BLIH leaps away just as Sif and Jakita Wagner begin to battle. The augmented strength of Wagner allows her to hold her own against the Asgardian. The Drummer, watching from the side, marvels at the two beautifully, dangerous women and his hands begin to move his drum sticks slowly. As the females become ensconced in a fierce fight, the Drummer’s sticks beat harder and faster. Sif teleports behind Wagner. Before Wagner can react, Sif skewers Wagner through her chest. The Drummer’s sticks crescendo. Wagner falls down, dead, on the snowy ground beneath her. Sweat is seen dripping down the Drummer’s brow and he licks his sweaty lips.

As Sif walks away from the dead Planetary character, Black Lantern Mister Fantastic (hereinafter “BLMF”) uses the combined abilities derived from both his elastic body and ring to engulf Sif. BLMF dislodges Sif’s sword, depriving her of the ability to transport herself away. BLMF’s black lantern ring’s powers encase her entire body. Kang uses his superior intellect to show the Drummer a new ability, which he can use against the trapped Asgardian. The Drummer runs to the encasement and begins to drum. The Asgardian screams in agony as the stick’s vibrations reverberate throughout the artifice. Eventually, Sif succumbs to the syncopated beat and falls. BLMF then slowly closes the trap and she is crushed. Sif is miraculously killed.

BLIH jumps to the scene. Kang whispers in the ear of his new minion, the Drummer, and the Drummer begins to work his sticks again. The repeated vibrations are felt, but not understood by BLIH. BLIH kills Kang, but as he is about to kill the Drummer, the Drummer’s beats dislodge the ring from BLIH’s finger. BLIH’s desiccated body shrivels and Elijah Snow deals the final blow to the black lantern. The Drummer has become, with the help of the now deceased Kang, a “most-valuable-player” candidate of the match.

The Warriors Three-Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg rush to the side of their dead Asgardian sister. The three unified look to Team SP and scowl.

Volstagg: You shall be avenged!

Hogun pulls out his mace and Fandral pulls out his sword. Volstagg will use his immense size and strength to battle. The three face their lessers. Although Elijah Snow attempts to freeze Hogun, Hogun’s mace is too quick. Snow is killed by Hogun. The Drummer’s beats, now enhanced by Kang’s theories, strikes Fandral repeatedly. Nonetheless, Fandral manages to eventually behead The Drummer with his sword. BLMF is killed by the combined efforts of all three Asgardians working together. The three savor their victory for only a short moment as Dr. Manhattan floats across the tundra to confront them. He looks at the TEAM-mates and tilts his head. The three are battle ready.

Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.

Fandral: Fight us, you blue beast!!!

Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.

Volstagg: Say something!!!! Do not just stand as one of stone!!!

Dr. Manhattan stands, without saying a word.

Hogun: We are Asgardians!!! We are gods!!!

Dr. Manhattan’s head un-tilts: I . . . am. . . G-d.

In the blink of an eye, Hogun, Volstagg and Fandral are wiped from existence as their bodies burst into flames, leaving holes in the icy ground below.