UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER IV: FAMILY FRACAS IN THE FOREST

            A soft voice is heard in the background as a figure hovers over an unseen mechanism.  The being is surrounded by the dense foliage associated with the Playoff Planet’s forest region. 

            “...so I was thinking about love tonight...,” states Billy Mack.

            “And you realized it was all around,” finishes Joe.

            “Hey look I’m serious, I just left Elton’s where there was a...” chimes Billy Mack before his voice is quickly cut off by the voice of Chris Artrip in Black Lantern form.

            “What are you doing over there?” asks BL Chris Artrip toward the figure.

            “Umm, nothing,” replies Black Lantern Julie Artrip to her dead husband as she briskly puts her cell phone away and steps from the trees’ shadows.

            “No seriously, what are you doing over there?” requests BL Chris.

            “None of your f@#$ing business, okay…  Sweetie,” responds BL Julie.

            A frustrated BL Chris flies over to his bride and floats in front of her face, an angered look creasing his decayed face.

            “You were watching a movie instead of paying attention to the match,” says BL Chris through gritted teeth.

            “I was watching ‘Love Actually!’  Okay?!?!  Which is more than just a movie. . .  Honey.”

            “Well get your sh%t together asap because we are not going to be taking this team lightly!  I want to win this championship and I want to be the one to see it through!”

            “You think pretty highly of yourself don’t you… Sugar Tits!” coos BL Julie.

            BL Chris’ face becomes even more grotesque.  “Kiss my a$$ Julie. Just because we were brought back to life doesn’t mean we have to be friends!  I wouldn’t touch your desiccated piece if the owner paid me!”

            “Suits me just fine… Babe,” replies BL Julie.  “It was ‘til death do us part after all; nothing about post mortem in that contract.”

            “F$@# you, you defunct dirt-napping piece of drek!”

            BL Julie appears to have actually been hurt by that last comment of her spouse.  “Have fun winning the match all by yourself... D#ck!”  BL Julie turns around.  The cell phone floats upward from her shredded garment and she begins to look upon one of the best romantic comedies of the last decade, once again.

            BL Chris turns around to leave his dearly departed when he suddenly finds himself staring face to foot with an AT-ST.  He mumbles an expletive that cannot be heard and twists his head slightly around. 

            “Umm, honey,” begins BL Chris.  “I think I am going to need a little help here.”

            BL Julie begrudgingly begins to turn her attention away from the movie as she chatters to BL Chris. 

            “Oh now you need some help in this,” BL Julie says.

            Before BL Julie can finish making light of her husband’s bravado, she finds herself engulfed in a barrage of laser fire from the AT-ST. The fusillade knocks her to the ground where she is rendered barely conscious.  BL Chris quickly soars over to his wife; dead or not, arguing or not, he still loves her putrefying body. BL Julie is badly wounded, but he notices, in relief, that her black lantern ring is still intact.  His mind is put to ease in a brief respite.  BL Chris leaves her lying on the ground and flies up to the cockpit of the Imperial monster only to find a familiar face behind the viewport.

            “Oh hey, Heather, fancy meeting you here tonight,” exclaims BL Chris.

            Heather Houslander opens up the channel on her communications’ system so that her voice can be heard outside of the vehicle. 

            “Charming to the last, Chris,” replies Houslander.

            “I swear if you lay another finger on her...” an enraged BL Chris begins to spout.

            “You’ll what? Kill me?” she mockingly laughs.  “You think somebody like me has any chance of surviving a match like this?  My fate is already predetermined by the powers that be!” 

            BL Chris hovers above her cockpit, speechless.

            “Go ahead Chris,” antagonizes Houslander, “make a couple more idle threats!”

            “I’ll show you what an idle threat looks like!” admonishes BL Chris.

            BL Chris smashes the cockpit’s window and lunges straight for Houslander’s chest.  His right claw rips through her bosom and pulls her heart out through the leather jacket she is wearing. Heather dies.  BL Chris notices that the now dead Heather Houslander lays motionless in her seat with an eerily, discomforting smile on her face. BL Chris shrugs off the strange sight and consumes the remaining chunk of her heart.  When he finishes (quickly as rumor has it), he floats out of the broken cockpit and notices that where his wife once was, only a single, hatched egg remains.  He brazenly flies down to where BL Julie was lying down.  The dead lantern picks up pieces of the shell and wonders what sprang forth from the egg.  He notices a small squeak as a miniature dinosaur hops out from behind the bushes with blood around its muzzle and a dead female’s arm with a black lantern ring on it.  BL Chris becomes enraged.

            “Oh you piece of s@#& motherf$@&er! I am going to rip your G-dd@$& c@&#sucking heart right out of your...”

            “But I am afraid you will not arrive at the chance to do so Mr. Artrip,” a softly spoken BL Albus Dumbledore states.

            BL Albus Dumbledore removes the ring off of the lantern’s hand with all the skill and professionalism he had when he was the Head Master of Hogwarts. As the black lantern formally known as Artrip crumbles into nothingness, a look of almost sadness rises to his face.  A tragedy of the events suffered by his team due to his own hubris clouds his thoughts as he loses his final life in the league.

            “What a shame it is to take the life of somebody with such promise. I mean, not that this exactly fits the situation, but just in general.  It is such a shame,” ponders BL Dumbledore.

            BL Dumbledore floats to where the little lizard is and rubs the head of the Yoshi, as it still chews on the shriveled arm of BL Julie Artrip. The two of them stand together for another moment longer to take in their last bit of calm before they rejoin the rest of their team in the never ending storm.